Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 188: I'm Not Attracted To The Men Who Want Me

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

What do you do when you're not attracted to men who want you, and the men you ARE attracted to are unwilling to commit? In life, as we get older, we can find the dating world changing around us. We want different things, we're not as young and carefree as we were in our twenties, and we feel like we want something serious in this phase of our life. In this episode, Matthew, Stephen, Audrey and Jameson go deep on the dilemma of attracting the wrong people when you want to get serious, how to get excited to date again after facing painful life events, and what to do if you're facing the possibility of never finding the love you're looking for. --- Join our next Virtual Retreat (November 11th - 13th)! - Claim Your Spot Today at MHVirtualRetreat.com --- Email us! You can in touch with the show and give your feedback/thoughts at [e-mail] --- Follow Matt on Insta @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen on Insta @stephenhhussey

I'd be very careful of a narrative that goes, all of the guys I want don't want commitment with me, and all of the guys I don't want are attracted to me. Welcome everybody to the Love Live podcast with me Matthew Hussey, Audrey Jameson and Stephen also known as the Gems. Gems, Gems, Gems, Gems, Gems. We're excited to be with you today. We've got a couple of juicy topics we're going to do, both based on emails that we have received from you, our dear listeners. One of them is about someone feeling like they aren't attracting people the way they once did and what to do about that because she feels like she's lost her mojo. People used to be falling over themselves to commit to her. And these days it doesn't seem to be happening.

So we're going to explore that, why it is. Can it be changed? How can she feel better about that situation? And we also have another email from someone who has essentially asked us what to do about the fact that sometimes people do never meet anybody. And how do we deal with that hard truth? And she feels that we haven't really ever addressed that reality

in all of the bloody hope we've created. So we're going to be talking about that. Two very important and very real and very human topics. Before I go any further, I want to just give you something for free that you should go and download. This, Stephen, you have spent an awful lot of time creating. And it is a guide for anybody who finds themselves seeing someone right now and getting stuck in the casual phase of it all. Which may not even be that casual anymore.

It might be that you're spending all the time together. You feel like each other's partners, but he's never actually mentioned being exclusive or he said he's not ready for commitment or he just keeps stalling in one way or another. And you're giving him the girlfriend experience, but you're not actually getting a boyfriend in the deal. So Stephen created a guide, which is all about how to get out of limbo. And Steve, you were working on this for a long time. So I want more people to experience this. Audrey, the first time you read it,

you were like, oh my God, I don't have any, I don't have anything I would even change about this. It's great. Yeah, it's really good. It's really good because it breaks down like every single step of how, like practically how to have those conversations to get out of that casual phase. And it kind of talks about like everything down to like where you should do it, how you should do it, what kind of mood you should both be in,

what you should be avoiding. So it really kind of dives into the psychology of why that works and exactly how you can practically do it so you can go and download that guide for free at leave limbo.com send us a message when you've read it and let us know what you think a massive round of applause for steven on that incredible free guide for people i spent longer working on that than some people spend in limbo. But not as long as others, not as long as others spend in limbo.

How do we feel about people who click instead of clap? That's a generational thing. I think it starts right around the millennials turning into Gen Z. I think it's... Do people do that in Gen Z is that a gen z thing i think so is it maybe maybe i'm just aging myself but people slightly younger than me seem to do it we were so what you're in you're in you're at an event you're at an event and you do that when someone well i think when you're applauding i think I think when I was at Red Table Talk recently,

and I made a couple of good points, Willow Smith did that, didn't she? She did some clicking. There was also a guy watching the monitor outside sitting next to me and Audrey, and you would make a good point, or someone would make a good point, and then head nod.

I like it. It would have been weird to be fair. It would have been weird if you started clapping alone outside. So that's a nice, it's kind of a nice modest clap. Yeah. It's quite a conscientious clap. I might, I might adopt it. Right.

Well, again, that link is leave limbo.com for anyone who wants to go check out and click for that free guide. See what I did there and click for that free guide see what i did there and click for the free guide amazing pretty good guys um all right so that's that let's get on to this bloody episode we've got an email here from Anonymous. And this is the computer hacking group that sent in an email. No, no. I would be interesting to know what their love life question is. They would demand an answer. They'd shut us down if we didn't give them a good enough answer.

Well, this one, she signs off, Aloha. So we know she's either Hawaiian in Hawaii or likes Hawaiian culture, which should narrow it down. She says, Hi, Matthew and team. I was lucky enough to find personal growth in my early 20s and learned everything from self-esteem, interpersonal communication to Kundalini yoga and vipassana meditation. I'm happy to say it all worked. I became someone that attractive men would ask out and step up for. There was never any hesitation to commit. There were problems, yes, but commitment was not one of them. Then my mom got sick. I, alongside my dad, endured a traumatic five years trying to save her. It was heartbreaking seeing her suffer every day. Every bit of life was slowly squeezed out of her by an unknown illness until she suffocated. After three years in solitude, slowly losing every part of my own life from my successful career to dating,

I started online dating and opened up a new relationship category, casual. The intense grief and isolation led to me saying yes to relationship dynamics I never would have considered before. It was amazing, deep, healing, sexy, and fun. But now I'm not so lonely anymore and i'm starting to feel happy in my life i stopped all casual relationships and have been single for a year i have a new successful career amazing friends i lost 10 pounds and i'm doing well in all areas except my romantic story our friend nick co what up nick introduced me to your content. Otherwise, I don't think I would have found it because I don't relate to most of the people who you work with until now.

Guys not wanting to commit or just wanting to be casual or not available or really awesome available guys asking me out but the attraction is not mutual. I feel like something in me broke. I can relate to people who have been through wars, but do you ever recover? When I listen to your content, I find about 80% of it reassuring because I already do those things. And in the other 20%, I find really great ways to express high self-worth. Yet it also makes me feel a bit hopeless. What happened to me and what can I do? Well, where do I start with this? You know, firstly, it sounds like you've been through some extraordinarily difficult things in your life and come through the other side. So, um, congratulations

to you for the strength and the character that that must have built for you to be where you are today, uh, singing about your wonderful life and the wonderful things that you have in your life. Now, I'm so happy to hear that you have those things in your life that bring you joy you say that the area in your life that is still lacking is your love life you talk about guys not wanting to commit or just wanting to be casual or not available or really awesome available guys asking you out but the attraction is not mutual. Um, so then you go on to say, I feel like something in me broke. Look, firstly, I just want to, I just want to start by saying you've expressed two different things there, right? There's guys not wanting to commit and you know, the guys that just want to be casual, but you've also said there's some really great available guys that are asking you

out. So, and fair enough, you aren't interested in the ones that have asked you out, but you're not saying there's no great available guys. You're just saying that the ones that have asked you out, you've not been that into. Now, partly, I feel I have lots of things to say on this. When someone says to me, I, all the guys I go for a kind of unavailable and all the guys that ask me out, I'm not really into my first thought is, are you taking enough initiative are you taking enough risks in your own life um in other words not just responding to the kind of player types that approach you who might be attractive but also are the player types who approach everybody and never really discovering those guys that end up kind of a lot of the time in real life falling

into no man's land where they aren't rushing up to you to approach you in a crowded space but they are really great guys and they are really attractive but in order to meet them you might actually have to open up be warm be approach, maybe even do some approaching because there is an in-between. There is someone out there who you're attracted to, who also is available and wanting to commit. If any of these guys who are great, but you're not attracted to are attracted to you, then it means you're attractive and you're not just attractive to the guys you don't want. You're also attractive to some guys you do want. But probability says that most of the time, the guys that approach you and talk to you are going to be guys you don't want.

You just have to know that there are guys that you do want who are naturally going to be a bit harder to find because you're looking for a mutual attraction, not a one-way attraction. So that's the first point I would make. I'd be very careful of a narrative that goes along the lines of all of the guys I want don't want commitment with me. And all of the guys I don't want are attracted to me. Um, or everyone who's attracted to me as a guy that I don't want, that is an overly simplistic dichotomy that you've set up. And I would argue a false one. Then there's everything you've been through. And when we go through difficult things in our life, they can really kind of mess us up in a way that makes it hard for us to have that same energy that we had before. Life can kind of beat us down and make it hard for

us to come back with that same sense of play, that same sense of of joy that same sense of wide-eyed kind of exploration that can be very very attractive to people now i also think that what you've been through the suffering that you've been through is one of the things that makes you more attractive but it's a different kind of attraction there's a depth to that attraction for the attractive, but it's a different kind of attraction. There's a depth to that attraction for the person that sees it. When someone can see that you've suffered, if they've suffered, if they've lived the life, if they've been through things, if they've been through their own kind of personal war, then, you know, that phrase real recognizes real. You, you, you see that in somebody else and it becomes very compelling, but it doesn't

announce itself as loudly as, you know, you're in your twenties and you're hot and I really want to get to know you. You know, that is a different kind of connection. It's a deeper one. And someone actually has to get to know you in order to see all of that in you. So for you, what's really going to be important is for people to actually start to connect with those parts of you and to see what you've been through and to see how strong you are on the other side and to be deeply connected to you as a result and a real kind of soul connection. In order to get to that

point, you have to take risks. You have to be open and warm. You have to be the kind of person that people want to get to know better. And the kind of person that isn't, I'm not saying you are, but we all have to be careful of not being so cynical at the outset that people kind of don't find a way in to get to know us on that level. So that's the second thing. The third thing I would say is you have to be really careful of comparing the attention that you're getting now to the attention that you got when you were in your early twenties, because the kind of attention you got in your early twenties was different. It may have felt the same. In other words, it may be like, no, no, no. It wasn't just people wanting to go home with me. It was people who wanted to commit to me. Well, I would argue that in many of those cases, it was coming from a different place.

When someone, there's a dynamic that gets created. For example, if some of those men that you were dating in your early twenties were older, there's a dynamic that gets created with a lot of older men who date younger women. And that dynamic is actually one of quite a lot of insecurity because a young woman in her twenties is not easily controlled. Um, she's going out, having a good time. She's probably out a couple of nights a week, at least seeing friends, hanging out in bars, doing a living, a kind of that young exciting life and it all of that kind of represents this uncontrollable nature this spontaneity this sense of fun and and and you're an age where you're still kind of looking around and seeing what's out there and is this

is this guy really the the best i can? What does lots of attention look like? I've got this much attention, but what would it look like if I got this much attention? And so there's a lot of that that is just him going, oh my God, this person, I really like her. And he's probably slightly, he's feeling the fact that, oh my God, I've got this young, hot girl. She's into me as well,

but I need to nail this down because I feel like she could go in any direction at any time. I feel like she could be with anybody. I need to control this situation, control my insecurity. And so there's a lot of that dynamic going on that doesn't mean that that guy was actually capable of commitment it might mean that he's emotionally unavailable himself because he's not looking for someone his own age he's not looking for someone who's actually age appropriate or someone that um is in the same phase of life as him that he would have to actually take seriously and and devote time and investment to and meet the needs of. In that moment, he's going for someone where he doesn't have to quite think like that. There's something emotionally unavailable

about that scenario in the first place. Not in 100% of cases, but in a lot of them. So the illusion of these guys all wanted to commit to me, to me is dangerous. Because what it will make you do is overvalue the attention you got when you were in your twenties and actually me is so much more real than an older guy trying to pin down a woman in her early twenties. Now, also in your early twenties, I'm not, you didn't mention older men. You could have been dating men your own age, but even if you're dating a guy your own age in your early twenties, are you really going to tell me that his commitment was so serious? Like that you could really rely on that again. I'm not saying that a hundred percent

of men who commit in their early twenties don't stay committed, but we know if we plotted it on a graph, it's marriages that start younger, have a much higher chance of failing because when you're 23 and proposing to your 23 year old girlfriend, there's a very good chance you're an idiot. There's a very good chance you don't know what you're doing. And I say this, by the way, with someone on my very own team who did that and is happily married still nearly 10 years later. So I, I'm not saying this is true in all cases, but you can't tell me that the commitments that someone was willing to make to you in your early twenties mean the same as a commitment would make today. So all of this is to say that I worry that you're kind of holding onto a story of how many people willing to commit to you in your early twenties that isn't, it doesn't actually have any bearing on real life and real commitment in the same way that it's like,

it's like if someone, when they were famous was going, when I was famous, everyone wanted to be my friend. And now I'm not famous anymore. No one wants to be my friend it's like yeah but when you were famous they weren't real friendships 99 of them they weren't real friendships so it i actually value more the friendship you have now the one friendship you get when you're not famous i value more than a hundred friendships or 500 friendships you got when you were famous. I love that analogy. That's really sharp. So it's being young, like being famous. A little bit, a little bit.

It's sort of a superficial status. Like it's a, yeah, you might be, you might be sexier to some people and they just suddenly put you on a certain level, but it's like real, literally skin deep. I mean, it doesn't, it's like real literally skin deep i mean it doesn't it's not uh durable so do you guys have anything that you want to add to to to this i was so enjoying listening to you talk about this i love when matt gets on these little on those little trains of thought because you just i think you answered so many things but there is that one part where life can happen to us and it can steal our mojo or at least it can just sort of like suck that youthful vibrance out of you and and yeah the death of her mom here and a long a long painful sickness that can have a huge effect on just how you're interacting with the world and how and how

you're entering that space and how people are seeing you so what do you do in that scenario well i think for one thing what is to pick up on one of the points i was making that what you've been through will have already and can continue to become uh the most kind of beautiful or interesting or deep parts of you you can't go through something like that and not experience more humility and i think that you know i i if i can call you out slightly on this email, Anonymous, one of the things you said was, you know, I didn't really follow your content before because I didn't relate to most of your audience. That's not true. That's just not true.

I relate to practically all of our audience. There are some people that come to us with issues that are different from issues I've had before, but in one form or another, I can look at any issue that comes to the table with us and go, Oof, yeah, I've been there on some level. I've felt that insecurity. I've worried about that before. Yeah, I've done that. I've made that mistake. I, I've needed this advice before myself. I, you know, I'm, I've been, I've been our audience every day of my life in one way or another. And that's why this content is, I didn't, I didn't do this job because I saw an opportunity. I did this job because I related to it. I did it because I enjoyed the content for myself first. I was my own first client. And it was really valuable for me to then be able to help other people with the things that I'd helped myself with. And I don't say that as a sorry case. I say that as someone who's pretty great. So that kind of little bit of,

I'm not like the rest of your audience. I want to call you out on that a little bit and say, you are, you always have been on some level. You just, when you felt something or a desire to learn or grow, whatever you went to Kundalini yoga, or you went to Vipassana meditation, or you you went to like you just went in a different direction it's the same stuff

it's all the same needs it's all the same insecurities it's all the same search for purpose and meaning and and love and connection it's all the same stuff we just find our mentors down different routes and different pathways. But everything that you've been through, what it does is it opens you up to humility. It opens you up to a feeling that, oh, I am like other people. And I can, my God, just given what I've been through, I can relate to more people now. I can relate to the struggles that people go through. I can relate to the difficulties. Man, I can relate to the women now that say that no one is committing or that I feel like I'm going to get left on the shelf or I feel like something changed and I'm no longer as attractive as I once was. I can relate to all of these things. And that relatability is really,

really powerful. It's powerful in attraction because when someone gets to know the depth of you, if they've suffered, if they've been through things, which by the way, doesn't make them any less attractive. You can get incredibly attractive people who still have the depth and the humility of someone who's someone who's been through a lot. But when they see that in you, there's a chance at a real connection. What you might have to get used to is the kind of humility that you have begun to arrive at in your life does not announce itself as loudly as 22-year-old charisma. It's quieter and it takes longer to appreciate. And you know, when you, you know, when you say like about a friend, you know, you get that friend who's like immediately like exciting and glossy and whatever. And you're like, Oh my God, they're amazing. And then you're not friends a month later. And then there's the friend that after

a year of knowing them, you're like, you know, I really appreciate about that friend of mine. They never talk shit about people. They never like, they're not a gossip. They don't, they're not mean. I really, they don't, they don't talk shit about people. I really trust them because there's lots of times where I know I've known them long enough to know they could have said some really bad words and they didn't. And you come to appreciate that about that friend, and it creates a much deeper connection. But that's not something you say on week two of knowing someone. There's something you can only say when you've known someone for a little longer. So none of this means there won't be immediate attraction for you in the future but it's just to say that i don't i don't think walking into a room i get the attention that i might have gotten at a different stage in my life but i also know that that's because i walk into a room differently

i also know this because there's a there's a kind of understatedness or humility about me today because I don't need to announce myself in a loud fashion. I don't feel the need to make everyone like me. I don't feel the need to work the room at the party and be the life and soul. I just don't feel that need anymore. And so I don't get as much attention as I used to. But the kind of attention that I tend to get is, is real. It's people who, who see me and go, Ooh, I like that guy. I like what he's about. What you're, I feel like on some level coming to terms with is that you're coming back out into the, into the dating world and you're actually having to exist without so much attention and to be patient. You don't have to be patient for attention. You even saw that when you started dating again and you made it all casual, right? When you go into the dating world and you're like,

I'm going to have a year of being casual. is attention in short supply? For a lot of people, no, because there's people willing to give you that attention at the drop of a hat. If you say, hey, I'm available and there's no strings attached, you're going to get attention. And that attention initially is going to feel good, but what it left you feeling at the end of it is not really fulfilled. So you decided not enough with that. I'm going to go down a different route, but that different route might be a route where you have to be a little more patient and actually exist in a world where attention isn't the main currency. And I know you're not asking for attention I know you're asking for commitment but the kind of commitment you really want isn't men all falling over themselves to marry you right that's

like imagine beauty and the beast who's the character in beauty and the beast that women are all falling over themselves to to marry Gaston Gaston Gaston's an idiot Gaston is the best Disney character yeah you love Gaston oh he's brilliant buton's an idiot. Gaston is the best Disney character. Yeah, you love Gaston. Oh, he's brilliant. But you love him because he's such a textbook narcissist. Yeah. But, you know, Gaston's a moron and those people don't feel a real connection with him.

They've just got this image of him that they're all running towards and they think that they're going to be more by getting him. He can eat a dozen eggs as well. According to the song, he eats a dozen eggs. No, when he was younger getting him he can eat a dozen eggs as well according to the song he's true he can eat a dozen eggs no when he was younger he used to eat a dozen eggs now he's a grown man he eats five dozen eggs how many eggs now he's a grown man he's five so he's roughly the size of the barge yeah obviously i'm very constipated

which may explain size of the barge um but but i kind of liken it to that it's it's not it's not real you want commitment take your time be patient keep being the right things keep keep being the having the character but one adjustment i would make is really focus on having a character of openness and and push forward with that humility in a way that invites people into your world without judgment with curiosity and then with a little you add a little playfulness and flirtation into that mix too and i promise you you have a cocktail that is gonna um that is gonna create commitment in the right person i also want to say i think that was beautiful and i i loved every single point you made i also want to say i mean it sounds like what you went through was just unbelievably traumatic and unbelievably difficult

and you know if it's been by from my calculations it's been four years since you lost probably the person you love the most in the world and grief isn't simple and I think you know this cliche that as we get older we get jaded there's probably a little bit of that because you know you go from being carefree and bouncing around doing all of the things that make you feel good and loving your life and just being 20 something best version of you and then you spend five years every single day going through one of the most difficult things that anybody ever goes through and then literally it's just been a fraction of time in relation to your life since that moment so I think that there's an element for me is I think there's there needs to be a bit of self compassion with how long that's going to take and it's only been a year that you've actually started there's an element for me is I think there's there needs to be a bit of self-compassion with

how long that's going to take and it's only been a year that you've actually started to you know do lots of things that kind of symbolize self-love again by like taking care of your career and your friendships and actually looking to date somebody who's you know wants something meaningful with you and I just think that you know you're kind of you're on the right path with it and things might have changed and there will have been things in you that will have just naturally changed from that experience but just take comfort in the fact that you're doing all the right things and you just have to keep driving towards all those things that bring you joy you know keep chasing joy and keep going after the things that light you up and make you happy alongside being compassionate enough to know that

it's not going to be an overnight thing I think grief is is a just it takes such a long time and never you never really recover from it fully you change and it just sort of coexists with you and yeah I just want to add that because I think it has almost like what's wrong with me I'm broken well no you're still grieving and that doesn't mean you have to stay grieving and stay stuck because you absolutely are not sort of um that's not your fate and it's important to keep pushing forward and keep you know questioning yourself and whether or not you are kind of driving towards things that are going to make your life better but i do think it's a it's a big deal what you went through so the change that's happened really can be the change that attracts the person that you want if you direct that change in an open and loving way

and you stay curious that can be the change in you that actually attracts a more amazing person than you've ever met so far in your life more amazing than any of those people that were falling over themselves to commit to you in your early 20s it's about quality not quantity when it comes to finding a live partner and you only need one your email seemed to be about you know guys not wanting to commit anymore you don't need guys you need guy you need one person who wants what you want and and you only need one and like the attention that you get as a woman and I speak from experience in your 20s it's like it is a bit like being famous you know whatever it's and it's just a natural thing that as you get older you don't get the same kind of attention but

I don't really think that's a bad thing because as you say the intention you get is far more meaningful and you actually come across people who you know want to get to know you to see whether you could be a good life partner I just think it's it's incomparable there's just a different phase of your life and then your 40s is a different phase and your 50s is a different phase and you know you just you have to make peace with the things that are better in different decades and worse in different decades and I think you know I always say this to my friends but it's like I'm 32 years old and I always say I will never be 21 years old again I will never look like a 21 year old I just I just won't and that's okay because I don't that that cannot be your value and it's just because it means that you have half or you know 90 percent less attention as a result of

it it doesn't matter you know it doesn't matter it was just a different phase and that's just life as it is now and it sounds like you still have options and still people, people are still attracted to you. So it's all good. What this comes down to is managing change in our lives and adapting to new eras in our lives, adapting to new chapters. And for anyone out there who feels like they are moving into a new chapter in their life, or maybe they already have and they're just waking up to the fact that they have,

and you want to know how to forget the past. It's not the past. It's today. You want to answer the simple question, how do I make the most of my life today as it is with the resources I currently have, with the way that I am, with the way that I look, with what I have at my disposal, with the time I have left? How do I make the most of my life in this chapter?

That is what we do on the virtual retreat. The final virtual retreat is happening in November from the 11th to the 13th. That's the last virtual retreat of the year. And then we're done. And you can just talk to one of our team members on the phone about it. Well, that's the good part. You don't even have to immediately sign up.

You can literally talk to one of our specialists. And this isn't a huge group of people. We have two people who specialize in talking to people on the phone about the virtual retreat. When you have your phone call, which you diarize through this link, mhvirtualretreat.com, you'll book in a time to speak to them and they'll talk to you about your life. They'll talk to you about what you're going through. They'll talk to you about what chapter you're in, what you're trying to achieve right now, what's holding you back and help you get clarity. Even if you don't end up coming on the virtual retreat,

it's worth it to do the call by itself just to get that clarity. But you never know, you might end up coming to join us in November for three days of immersive coaching to make the most of this chapter of your life. Come book your call with either Michael or Lottie by going to mhvirtualretreat.com. Matt, there's a woman here named Cheryl who brings up a topic that she says we've never addressed. And she says in an email, you always create hope and optimism, but you've never addressed the distinct possibility that we may go to our graves without ever having found And that's from Cheryl. but I have to also hold the notion that I may possibly die without ever having had a lasting, loving relationship. And that's from Cheryl. That's heavy. I mean, you tell me, Matt, but

I think that we have to live with the possibility of those sorts of things every single day. I think people have to live with the possibility that their dreams might not come true we have to live with the possibility that terrible grief might befall us and i know we've spoken about the stoics before and you and i are fans of the stoics and the stoics kind of said this very thing is that hold within yourself all the possibilities that bad things will happen. It doesn't mean they always will, but in a way you almost want to mentally be prepared that this may be the outcome. Yes. I always think of Gandalf's words because when he says to Frodo in the minds of Moria... I just love how seriously you're building up to this.

Frodo says to Gandalf, I wish none of this had ever happened. Gandalf says, so do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to do is to decide what to do with the time that is given to us. And that line for me, it just, it is the answer to this question. That anyone who suffers grief, as in the case of our previous writer anyone who suffers tragedy anyone who suffers serious loneliness or despair or pain

will have gone through a moment where they say i wish this hadn't happened to me I wish life was different and and that's understandable but it's not our job to reorganize the universe that we're in it's our job to make the most of the time we have and the possibilities that we have cheryl no one knows for sure whether you will find the kind of love that you are looking for the only thing you can resolve to do is to make the most of the time that you have, to invite as much possibility into your life as possible, to be courageous and take a few risks along the way, wherever possible, and to then see what unfolds in your life

as you do those things. We have to resist the urge, and Audrey has to remind me of this sometimes, but we have to resist the urge to catastrophize because for the traumatized among us and for the people that have been through certain things you you will find yourself in life routinely and reflexively looking at the worst possible case scenario unless you're doing it in a very meditative stoic practice way well yeah to hold it as a possibility is not the same thing as to exist there and i think that's their point yeah to anxiously ruminate about the the worst possible

outcome because there's a good chance that the worst possible outcome won't happen and if you only exist in that outcome then you're not existing in the full breadth of possibility of what may happen in your life. You're 51. You know, there's a whole lifetime ahead of you. You know, if you live to be 100 or near 100, you're at the halfway point. So there's time. There's time, and there's so much possibility. And so seeing where you're catastrophizing is important. Yes, there's the possibility you might die without having had a lasting, loving relationship. But by the way, I bet that's not true for every part of your life. I bet there have been some lasting, loving relationships in your life,

even if they haven't been romantic. And that counts for something. That's real. That's real. And it's also worth saying to yourself, I always think there are people that I thought were incredible, whose lives at one point or another I might have said to myself, oh, I'd trade with them, who then took their own life and never made it to my age. And when I think about that, I think, well, it from that looked at from that perspective, every day I get that they didn't is a bonus. Because that could have been me.

Every day I get beyond the day that they were alive is a bonus. So I can complain about what I'm not getting or what I'm not achieving or what's not happening in my life. But I could also just see it all as upside. It's just all bonus. And you're 51. Like, congratulations. You made it further than so many people ever make it. And you weren't born in, you know, 1584

and got slaughtered in some horrible war by being sent to the battlefield as a soldier with no choice. You weren't someone who was born in a time where you couldn't even get your most basic needs met, let alone think about finding love. You're you at 51 in 2022, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Everything's a bonus. Everything's a bonus. And, and look, you know, it's what happens, I think for so many of us is we, it's so easy for us to get caught in the comparison with other people's lives. I get it. I get it. For me, I get the worst version of it because I'm in LA and there's people doing all sorts of crazy shit and achieving lots and people who are doing amazing things.

And sometimes I hang out with people that are my peers and someone's doing something cool or got a new opportunity or writing a new book or something and there's some part of me that's like oh i'm not doing enough or oh i should be doing that or oh i and and i can go home almost like feeling like man i'm not i'm not really killing it i'm not really doing enough and i realize what's made me happy is looking at what other people are doing i i remember jonah hill was um he said his he was asked who his hero was and he said his next door neighbor he said his hero is his next door neighbor because this guy just that he was he he was on his porch one day and he saw his neighbor and he said his neighbor's always happy. And he asked his neighbor, what what are you how do you stay so happy?

And the guy said to him, I don't give a damn what anyone else is doing. Like, I just pay no attention to what everyone else is doing. And there's some real wisdom in that. Because if you just at 51 see it that everything in your life is a bonus from here on out, then how bad can it be? If you go through the rest of your life with unbelievable friendships and people that you can lean on and people that you can help and people that you can alleviate the suffering of and doing things that give your life meaning and purpose. If you never found that kind of hallmark card version of love, you still would have lived an amazing life. And I get that there's

a sadness to what we don't get in life, especially when what we don't get is something that feels deeply important to us. But your life will still have been amazing. And let's just remember something. There are a thousand different versions of the thing you think you want. There's a version of your life from now till the day you die where you have three really meaningful relationships and they're really special and they added so much to your life by knowing these people and being with these people and loving these people even if they didn't last. There's a version of your life where you meet the love of your life tomorrow and they die in a car crash six months later. There's every different possibility laid

out in front of you. Right now, you're taking the one possibility of, which by the way is only one possibility out of an unbelievable number of possibilities, but you're taking the one possibility that you go the rest of your life without meeting someone that stays with you for the rest of your life and focusing on that and saying, if that happens, I will have lived to no effect or I will die an unhappy person. I refute that argument. I don't believe that's true. I believe you can live an extraordinary life without that happening. And that's, in your mind, the worst case scenario. But there's every other possible scenario. And by the way, there's every other possible scenario of love for you,

and what it could mean, and how you you find it and how long it lasts and all of them can be wonderful in their own ways. There's also a scenario where you get diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow and you have six months. And then how much are you thinking about the 30 years that you spent, quote, alone and not in love. All of a sudden, none of that matters. All of a sudden, your dream would just be that you get those 30 years. That would suddenly become the ultimate, is that you got to stay here.

So that perspective is really important. The not catastrophizing is really important. The everything is a bonus mindset is really important. The not catastrophizing is really important. The everything is a bonus mindset is really important. And one thing I would start by doing if I were you is I would find some role models that are different to the previous role models. Because you may have had role models along the way that are all married by now and have kids and are doing their own thing and they're doing this, whatever. Find some role models that are not. Find some role models that are happy without that. Find some role models that met the love of their life at 75. Find some role models that took a

different path. Because when you find other role models that have lived different paths than the very kind of specific stereotypical path that you've based your happiness on you start to realize how many different directions and paths happiness lies on i think there are so many forms of love we can express in our lives and i think that's what we under appreciate is how much love we have inside of us and can give in so many myriad ways and you know that Bhagavad Gita quote like you're not you're entitled to the labor but not to the fruits of your labor and in a way it's like you are entitled to love to like give love spread it be a force for love in every way in your life and you can't always guarantee what relationships that will or won't lead to,

whether they last, what happens. But you have the entitlement to love. That's really good. I would just add one thing here. I want to put the impetus on you for a second, Cheryl, to just stay really curious about what it is you're attracted to in people and what you love about people. Because I do sense with this, you say here, divorced after 20 years to someone I never loved, not even at our wedding. I've dated

steadily since with an open heart, lots to give and great communication skills it is possible to just take that at face value but i do worry that it's not fully an open heart i think that i think that i've met people like this before and there is a sort of it's like you were saying about comparison man i used to shoot weddings and you see the weddings where it's like people are so i'd make videos out of these weddings and you'd make this ridiculously loving montage in the wedding video and you know the bride takes that wedding video and shows it to all their friends and all their friends are just comparing themselves to that bride and that that love with that sam smith song playing at this crescendo of the first dance or whatever and it's just impossible to compare it's impossible to compare i'm never

gonna i'm never gonna achieve that fairy tale status of love and i i just worry that people have this idea of what their love life was supposed to be like and it's they could have you know you could have a date today with someone that they can have a little kindling of magic but if you're not really curious to like give that give that kindling a little bit of air and let it grow you never it might not be that sam smith song at the crescendo of the wedding. It might never be that, especially at the age of 51. It might not be that young love or whatever. But if you're curious enough about humans and you just want to love and indulge that experience with this really fascinating creature across from you, this primate, you might just find something a little bit special.

I think that's so beautifully put. And I really feel drawn to what you said about weddings. I love the idea that you, their friends see the video, you saw the wedding day. And a wedding is already like a peak moment but the wedding video is the it it's the highlight reel of the highlight reel yeah exactly and to compare yourself uh to that even even i love that idea that even you comparing yourself to what you think other people are feeling in these moments in their relationship, especially if you don't think you've ever had it, you glorify it even more. It's really, really valuable.

Well, thank you, Cheryl, for being brave enough to write in and ask that question if Cheryl if you're listening please send us an email and let us know what you thought of this podcast at matthewhussie.com we would love to to hear from you I want to just read this real quick uh this was from iTunes one of our reviews. This was, jams rock. Hello, jams. When commuting to work, I either listen to a true crime-related podcast. My girl. Just like Audrey.

Or yours. And I take that as a high, high praise. She says, or yours. And I enjoy every single minute. I adore the British accent. And whenever jams talk, I'm over the moon. Listening to high-quality content in a British accent. And whenever jams talk, I'm over the moon. Listening to high quality content in a British accent. I'm sure she also likes your voice on here, Jameson.

Remember, one fourth of jams is American. I've come to terms with this part of jams. Listening to high quality content in the British accent seems like a dream come true. You four are amazing. Love from Iran. Well, love to you in Iran. And of course, to all of the Iranians out there across the world who are, I know, going

through an extraordinarily painful and turbulent time right now. But also, I know, a time that at least creates the hope for some kind of change. And our hearts are with you all right now. And with that cause as well, because it matters deeply to us too, as people that are and have been for a long time supporting women and women's rights and female empowerment. That issue matters deeply to us. The issue of female autonomy, of women being able to make these choices without the threat of violence, without fear, is something that we in the parts of the world that so many of our listeners live in absolutely take for granted. And we know that in your country,

you don't get to do that. So we are thinking of you. We love you. We are with you. And we hope to be able to share more of your stories in the future. But thank you for writing in. And we're so happy that there are people in Iran who are listening to this podcast because that just feels so meaningful to us. So you're giving us a gift. Thank you. We look forward to speaking to you all again in the next episode of Love Life. Take care, be well, and don't forget while you're out there creating the love you want, love the life you already have. Even with all of the chaos and mess that's going on in it. We'll speak to you soon.