Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 19: Is Coronavirus Revealing You Have a One-Sided Relationship?

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

Another week in isolation... This crisis is really putting a magnifying glass on my (alarmingly natural) gift for hibernation, as well as my capacity for eating chocolate. How about you? It’s also exposing a lot of cracks in relationships – both those under the same roof and the long-distance ones – as they strain under the weight of this “new normal.” Just this morning, I had the pleasure of working with a woman who is in my live coaching group, and she confided that she was having an issue with her boyfriend. Like many, she found herself in a long-distance relationship all of a sudden, as she and her guy self-isolate about 30 minutes from each other in their separate homes. I said to her, “That must be tough. Are you speaking every day?” Her answer revealed more than I anticipated... It quickly became clear to me that her needs were being ignored, and that she was ignoring a conversation she needed to have. Something I’m worried too many people are doing right now. If you’re in a similar situation, where you’re feeling scared to ask for what you need, then you need to hear this episode. Thinking of you. Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey Get the FREE video training at TheBravestYou.com

In a really balanced and positive relationship, two colors blend together to create a new color altogether, a beautiful, bright, new color that is the representation of both worlds, both personalities, both sets of routines, both sets of ideas. Well, well, get in here you little rascal, how the heck are you? It's Stephen Hussey here and oh my, have you been working out? You look fantastic and I see you've showered this morning. Wonderful news.

Hello, welcome to the Love Life Podcast with me, Stephen Hussey, hosting, of course, my brother, big brother, Matthew Hussey's podcast. And I'm popping my head through the door to say hello, as usual, and check everyone's okay. Make sure things are going well. I hope things are in your world. And we are talking about a relationship issue today that is universal, but we're also specifically applying it to being in a quarantine situation a lot of us are in, in this coronavirus. I don't know if you've heard of it that we're going through right now but it's the problem of being in a one-sided relationship

and this can happen even with someone you really like that you think is a great person or you're really attracted to but you can suddenly realize that your needs are constantly being subsumed into their needs. And it seems to always be on their terms, like the kind of things you do together, the activities you do, who you hang out with, or in this case, how often you speak on the phone, on text, how much communication you have. And suddenly you feel like, well, it's always on what they need and their expectations are never on mine. And that's a scenario many of us can relate to. And so if that's something you've been through, that's what we talk about in this clip. And before we jump in, there is a link as usual, Matt mentions in the clip. And as usual, he doesn't quite specify the link. So the link is

thebravestyou.com. If you want to get the free confidence training he the link is thebravestu.com if you want to get the free confidence training he talks about, thebravestu.com. And I'll be back at the other side of the podcast to clarify that again when he mentions it. So I'll mention it again, but thebravestu.com. All right, that is all from me. I'll catch you on the other side over to Matt hello another week in isolation there was a woman who I had the pleasure of working with for a little while this morning who told me of an issue she's got with her boyfriend who is now long distance they live about 30 minutes apart they're're not seeing each other. I asked her, are they speaking every day? It was just a casual question. I didn't know that anything

would come of it. I said, oh, that must be tough. Are you speaking every day? And she said, well, actually we text every day, but we speak on the phone about once a week. And I thought, oh, that's interesting because I don't know many people who in a relationship can get by on just one phone call a week. Not to say that there's anything wrong with that. There are many ways to have a relationship and it depends on how each person feels. But I know for me, that wouldn't be nearly enough. And so I said to her, is that enough for you? I said, who is it? You don't like talking on the phone. Does he not like talking on the phone? She said, well, he doesn't like talking on the phone. I said, well, have you talked to him about it?

She said, well, he's kind of stubborn. And she kind of almost shrugged that off like it was a cute quality of his. And I said, well, do you want to have that conversation? And she said, well, I don't know. I mean, I think it's good for me anyway because I need to focus on my independence. And I think this is actually a good time for me to do that because I need to focus on my independence. And I think this is

actually a good time for me to do that. It's to focus on being more independent. Now, I'm always interested in those moments where people find ways to square in their own mind, something that maybe isn't meeting their needs. Because clearly this person, because even when I said to her, do you like speaking on the phone? She lit up. She said, oh, I love speaking on the phone. I said, so this is not a situation that's meeting your needs. I get that you want to be more independent or that you feel that's something that you could focus on during this time. And that's wonderful. But there's a quote from one of my favorite movies, Interstellar, where Matthew McConaughey's father-in-law says to him, never trust the right thing done for the wrong reason.

And I would apply that in this case, that whilst it may be a good thing for her and all of us to focus on our independence and our ability to take care of ourselves or self-soothe at times, in this case, it was being used as justification for her not speaking up about her needs, which really wasn't happening because she was afraid of what might happen if she did. When we're afraid to bring up our needs, what is it we're scared of?

We're scared that we might be seen as high maintenance. We're scared that it might lead to confrontation. We're scared that we might seem weak or needy or overly vulnerable, and that will be perceived as unattractive. We're afraid that we'll be perceived as a nag. At its most extreme, we're afraid that, rightly or wrongly, rationally or irrationally,

that us bringing something up could precipitate a breakup. We've pictured the unhappiness of someone leaving, but we're not associating with the unhappiness we already have in our needs not being met. We are already in pain if our needs aren't being met in the situation we're in. We're not avoiding pain, we are in pain. We're just in a different kind of pain.

That's something that can be avoided by A, approaching something with confidence, with calm. And of course we're going to have emotion, but try to have some emotional neutrality in the moment so that you're able to make your case without losing control to your emotions where you now get angry or excessively upset when you're trying to just communicate that, hey, this is something that's important to me. It may not be right or wrong that you don't want to speak to me as much as I want to speak to you, but it's not enough for me right now. It's not enough connection. I see a relationship as a blending of two colors. You represent a color, he represents a color. In a bad relationship that's imbalanced, where one person holds all the power or is in the driving

seat and dictates the rhythm, the routine, the atmosphere, the environment of the relationship, it's almost like this person has this really dominant color and one person comes along and, you know, puts a droplet of their color in there just to stain that color slightly, but ultimately it remains this person's color. So the entire relationship now is the color of this person. If you've ever been in the driver's seat, you've noticed this in reverse. You know, they added a tiny drop of their color to you, but ultimately the hue of the relationship, the color of the relationship was your color. In a really balanced and positive relationship, two colors blend together to create a new color altogether,

a beautiful, bright, new color that is the representation of both worlds, both personalities, both sets of routines, both sets of ideas. We of course retain our individual colors outside of that, but the relationship's color is an equal representation of the two, as opposed to this person retains their individual color and also makes sure the entire relationship is their color as well So ask yourself this question whether you're married whether you've been together a few years or whether you're just starting out with someone what's the color of your relationship and is that color

representative of a balanced blend of the both of you or have you through a desire to appease, to please, to placate, to hold onto that relationship, allowed it to become 90% their color and 10% yours, all the while pretending to yourself that their color is yours too. If you're watching this and thinking, oh, I want to be braver. This is going to require some bravery

and I want to push myself to get outside my comfort zone. Then I invite you to watch a training where I coach a woman on stage and show her exactly how to do that. And I think by watching her, you'll also see how you too can be braver and get out of your comfort zone. So go to this link, check it out, and I will see you there. And once again, that link for you is thebravestyou.com. That is thebravestyou.com. Go to that link. You can get the free training.

All right, pickles. That is it from your old pal Steve today. Just because we're in unusual circumstances, a strange situation, it doesn't mean we have to accept less. It's very easy in this scenario to get into a scarcity mindset where we think, oh my God, this is the only thing I've got. I've got to hold on to it. This person I'm talking to, this person I'm seeing, it doesn't mean we shouldn't communicate firmly our expectations. Every time we do, respect goes up, attraction goes up, our self-worth goes up only good things come from communicating what you need and asking for that from the person you want to be with because that's who you should ask it from um okay i'm gonna head out now if you want to email the show and i urge you to do so because i'd love

to hear from you you can email at podcast at matthewhussey.com and I will read every single one that comes in my inbox that is it I'm heading off now have a wonderful day wherever you are take care of yourselves and I will see you very soon see you later I see the blog sites. Got a new wife. Shorty got a new boo. Yeah, love beautiful. I'm looking for love.