Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 191: Confusing Sh*t Men Say (And What They Really Mean)

Episode Date: November 16, 2022

Have you ever had a guy say things that give you completely mixed messages? Or you've heard a phrase several times and are left scratching your head wondering what it actually means?   You're not alone.   In this episode we asked YOU for your best examples of confusing phrases you've heard from guys and got together to crack the code once and for all!   --- Email us! You can in touch with the show and give your feedback/thoughts at [e-mail] --- Follow Matt on Insta @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen on Insta @stephenhhussey

I can't get away with my lies with you. You're just too smart. You special, special girl. Good for you. What a laugh we're gonna have together. Hey everyone, welcome to the Love Life Podcast. I am Matthew Hussey and today with the rest of the Jams crew, Jamison, Audrey and Stephen, we are going to be talking about the confusing things that men say. People really, because one of the men in the comment section to this post

that we put up on Instagram asking for what confusing things people have said to you, one of the gentlemen said, women say this too. So we are going to be dissecting the confusing things that people tell us in dating and breaking down what they really mean. Before we do that, I want to make sure that everyone has had a chance to go and download our guide on texting. The 9texts.com gives you nine specific messages that you can send to create attraction with someone in your life. Go check them out. You don't have to use them word for word. The idea is they'll generate ideas for you for flirtatious, fun, attractive texts. Those are at 9texts.com. And did I mention it's completely free? Speaking of texts,

if you haven't already, go grab a copy of our program, The Momentum Texts, that gives you 67 customizable texts that lead to real relationships. They are simple. They are easy to use. You get instant access when you go and get it now at MomentumTexts.com and it's $7 for the program. $7 and you get 67 messages that are designed to lead to a real relationship. Now, these aren't just designed to be text messages. We just thought that would be a fun format for the program. They're also designed to be conversations you can have in person or over the phone. But there is a real issue out there right now in dating that people continue to have relationships or casual relationships, situationships, meaningless hookups that don't go anywhere,

which is fine if where you are in your life is wanting meaningless hookups. That's all good, or meaningful hookups. But if you are looking for a long-term relationship and finding that you keep going around in circles with people who don't seem to be serious, this program is a highly practical program that will help you break free of that cycle and actually get into something that has a real momentum and progresses towards something meaningful. The Momentum Texts is available at MomentumTexts.com. Check it out and we'll see you over there. Now, on to the episode. The confusing things men say. So... Who, me? Straight as an arrow. Hopefully less than 50% of these have come from you. Not old straight as an arrow, Steve. I won't have it.

You've said some confusing things over the years. I wouldn't put you in the category of simple i prefer enigmatic yeah well i think that's enigmatic i think a few of the men on the list have said that i think we'll go on to talk about that so okay i i'm i'm actually very much reacting to things that have been said here in this episode to tell me where we're starting from. Well, we put out a post on social media and we asked our lovely audience the question, in the past, what is the most confusing thing a guy you were dating has said to you?

We got thousands of responses and interactions. How many did we get? Thousands, I don't know. Like 2,000? Yeah, probably like just under 2,000. That's a lot. Yeah. Wow.

Maybe just, yeah, maybe 1,500. But still, you ruined it. You made it sound less popular than it was. Well, no, I just, it's quite the opposite. I was quite flattered that we have an Instagram account where thousands of people comment. By the time they're hearing this, there must be tens of thousands.

Very possible. It's amazing. Yeah. Look how popular we are. You're a popular, there must be tens of thousands. Very possible. It's amazing. Look how popular we are. You're a popular guy. It feels good. Yeah. It feels good. Anyway, we have actually pulled out some of the best responses that we have found.

Some of them are quite funny and some of them are just outright confusing. And what I would love to do is get your take on what these actually mean. I'm eager to hear what these men had to say. So once upon a time, a man said to Tess, I like you too much to be with you. Hmm. I like you too much to be with you. That. Now, is our job to call bs on these or

why say what he actually thinks i think it's to say what he actually thinks i mean part of that might be calling bs on it but steve what's your opinion what does that mean i like you too much to be with you. Is that a thing? I like you too much to be with you? I mean, I guess I'll immediately call bullshit on that one. I don't think people... There is self-sabotaging behavior. That is a real thing. But I don't think people literally feel, I like this person so much and they like me back

and I'm now gonna run away they'll probably find some way to maybe destroy the relationship but they don't actually say that and just politely exit what you're saying is self-sabotage is not ever done so consciously it's not so clean as that well do you think it could be the type of thing where he knows he's not ready to settle down found himself a real catch and just you know doesn't want to hurt her feelings doesn't want to waste her time because she might be the right person for him in five years or something that's the best possible uh you know best faith interpretation of that i think he's saying he doesn't want to hurt her i could believe that he thinks he will hurt her well you have to assume that someone who says this is not someone you should be pining after

because they are going to hurt you that much is clear someone who says i like you too much to be with you is going to hurt you because what they're saying is i'm not i'm not actually looking for anything serious and if i keep going down the road with you then it's going to get more serious in some form or another and i don't want that and maybe I can't trust myself in that situation maybe I don't back myself to be loyal or faithful because I just am not ready so I me saying I like you too much there may be things I really like about you there may be things that I think are wonderful about you, but I'm not in any kind of a space where I'm ready to give anything meaningful based on that. That or it's literally the biggest crock of shit. And it's this person, their way of placating you and flattering your ego at the same time as rejecting you well whatever it is it's very confusing test so i totally understand why you wrote that in second one

you're great on paper oh that's hurtful what do you think that what do you think that in the flesh not so much what qualities would he have written on paper that are great well in if you think that is? But in the flesh, not so much. What qualities would he have written on paper that are great? Well, if you think about it, in dating apps, everyone's sort of great on paper, aren't they? If you put down what people would say are their best qualities, their jobs, what they think is great about themselves, then they seem great. So off paper, it's just everything else like their personality their smell there are there are people you're great you're great on paper but what a disappointment there are people who you think wow on every level you should have been awesome and how many women think that about a guy like it's like god you know you should have been awesome like this doesn't make sense that you're so difficult or that you're so controlling or that you're so obnoxious or that you're so like on paper

you should have been great and in person in person, you're not so much. I'm not saying it's not mean. Certainly, I mean, to say that to someone's face is an obnoxious thing to do. But so I don't give much, I don't hold much esteem for the person who said it. But I relate to the sentiment i think that's probably the point right which is uh it's the kind of thing you'd say to your friends you know they're so great on paper but i don't feel chemistry with them or it's not quite right or you know whatever but saying it to someone's face is a little bit much that says to me someone's angry like you made some someone got angry because to say you're great on paper you either have to be a

cold arsehole or you have to be someone who's like now feeling pretty mad because of the way someone has upset you or annoyed you because you wouldn wouldn't say that. You'd just say, you know, I just, I felt like we'd get on better than we did. Yeah, agreed. Anna has said, somebody once said to her, I can't get away, oh, this is actually one of my favorites. I can't get away with my bullshit with you. You're too smart.

Why does Audrey like that one so much? Yeah, why was that one of your favorites? Because he's a little swindly. He's like, he's like. Just to reiterate, we said on a video recently that from the show, The Tinder Swindler, I don't know how many of you out there have seen it, but me and Audrey just started immediately using swindly as a verb

instead of to swindle, which would be the appropriate language. We just adopted swindly, i.e., don't you try and swindly me. You know, we do have adverbs in the English language. It can be a swindly person, right? A swindly person? Yeah, no, we say you're such a swindly we'll often use it in that sense we were grammatically correct all along for you um no swindly no but you're using a person isn't a real word surely but it sounds like it should

but you're using it as a verb as like uh yeah we're using it as a verb or yeah exactly you're such a swindly or an adjective anything yeah it really can be whatever you want once you start making up words jameson they can really just be whatever you want steve's oxford education's like really his brain's about to explode oh your bloody shakespeare made up words steven he made up a lot of words so there you go well come on now. He made up the word brilliant. So there you go. Ironic, isn't it? Well, anyway. You could say that's an exercise in narcissism.

To coin the word brilliant. I don't know about these guys, but I'm really curious. And Audrey's opinion here. Sorry, Audrey. Why did you like this one so much? Because. Could you remind me? Because I've already forgotten what it was

it was i can't get away with my bullshit with you you are too smart a few things are going on here first of all he is admitting to the fact that he is somebody who bullshits women but with her ah he doesn't get away with it because she's too smart so i think he's just an absolute idiot and i think he sounds like an asshole and it's like a kind of tactic to try and make her sound somehow special and somehow like she has the upper hand in a situation even though what he's saying to her essentially is i will bullshit you and i will mess you around but before i do that i'm going to make you believe that you have the upper hand on me because you get me he's working her yeah swindling he's like you're smart he's like you're smart enough to be here you're smart enough to

call me on it but you're not smart enough to leave right now he's also giving her so little credit for her standards that he seems to believe that he can insinuate that he's a bullshitter in the sentence and that that's not going to be a turnoff i can't get away with my lies with you you're just too smart you special special girl good for you what a laugh we're gonna have together yeah the next one we have is from banner she said that somebody said to her i haven't loved you these past two years and i was lying to both of us they ended things and two weeks later he came back into her life and said i need you in my life i love you let's try again that is very confusing so he said to her i never loved you i don't want to be with you anymore.

Then he came back two weeks later and said, I need you in my life. I love you. Let's try again. What does it mean? My instant reaction to that is that he discovered he can't swim. You know, he got bored of the boat he was on maybe he never maybe he really didn't enjoy the boat that much but he jumped ship and then as soon as he was in the water he went oh help i can't swim and then he started swimming back to the boat he was like throw me a raft

and maybe he tried to get on a different boat and the boat was like absolutely not getting on my boat yeah i mean maybe he just realized like oh there's not there's not you know i didn't immediately find another boat there's it was like it was just open sea and that was terrifying maybe a couple of boats came by but they actually didn't you know they were like rusty old tug boats maybe a boat came by full of pirates and he just thought, oh, this is a bit rough out. I'm exposed to the elements.

Could have been like the Dunkirk boat could have got in there, would have got torpedoed and then sank. Back out again, straight back out in the water again. So I think he sort of realized, he thought he was going to have a better time swimming and he realized he, you know, I didn't have the stamina for it. Wasn't as strong a swimmer as he thought he was going to have a better time swimming and he realized he you know i didn't

have the stamina for it wasn't as strong a swimmer as he thought because that's the other thing you have to if you're really going to be happy you have to be able to jump ship and then be okay just swimming as opposed to getting straight back on another boat and if you suddenly realize if you were banking on having another boat immediately that's a a problem. And if you don't, and you're just out there swimming, you have to learn how to be a strong swimmer. And a lot of people aren't willing to do that. A lot of people are so unhappy single. They're terrified of that. So when it's not what they thought it would be they go back and what they say is love like i've realized the error of my ways or whatever you can translate that to i'm terrified i am so terrified i don't love you any more than i did

two weeks ago i'm just terrified and i'm calling that love now. So that was actually my question. In this instance, would you say that he believes he loves her? Or was he just saying that as a way of getting back in there because he realizes he's really messed things up? Well, what's the first thing he said again? Because it was pretty dark. I haven't loved you these past two years. I was lying to both of us that is so dark actually it's a long time to have been just going um you know and look it's honest to drown at sea if you ask me she's audrey and she is angry take the metaphor to such a dark place um i'm sure everyone else will agree it was a met you meant a metaphorical drowning sort of a hitting

of rock bottom single that made him change his ways and realize that he needed to do some real healing i don't know not dying like great white shark what's the giant octopus right that's a bad way to go i don't know who what who's who is the octopus in this metaphor what what is the octopus age it gets darker so i mean sorry yeah i don't i i think that it's um it's just quite a statement to say that for two years you haven't really been feeling you know what you'd like to be feeling it's also a really nasty thing to say to someone i don't think that's i think that's a little bit too much information really i haven't loved you for two years i mean it's yeah it's a hell of a thing to say to someone i think he just sounds like maybe a guy who's at the whims of his emotions a lot that sounds like it was said during a fight or a breakup and he goes off and he just like again is a little bit

manic with his decision making and his love life. There's something very childish about coming back after two weeks and not addressing what you will have just done to someone's reality, to their self-esteem. To say that for two years you've been living in this unreality with me thinking that it's reality that you know to come back after two weeks and be like i love you i want to make it work it's like but you didn't say that you'd had this sudden change of heart you said for two years you've been lying to yourself he said he has no heart how do how do you how do you how do you come back from that in that moment that's going to take he you know that that that seems to me a very flippant way to come back so jameson might be right about someone being at the mercy of their

emotions flippant and confusing and selfish to come back after two weeks and what you've just done to someone's reality uh is a is a very selfish thing to do because there's clearly work to be done and there's no way he did it in two weeks yeah i agree and i would just like a round of applause for the king of metaphors because that was amazing oh the swimming one swimming one, you liked it? Yeah, it was good, I liked it. Thanks. It's the Moby Dick of metaphor. I'm lost with the scene. You just wanted to fit dick in there. Okay, I have another one. Ondine said that somebody said to her,

I'm breaking up with you because I like you too much. I hate my ex and I don't want to hate you. That's really confusing well i want to make a point here stephen let me do you your face why are you looking at me well just because you've you pulled that face that makes me anxious to hear what you're about to say so i'll jump in after you i think it's funny the theme keeps coming up of guys just saying i just like you too much like clearly they they really rest on that as like a go-to like this will get me out of this there's a real epidemic of men loving these women too much i think if anything you're too amazing is that is that possible maybe you're too perfect yeah can i go now um no yeah hi um so he thinks he'll hate her is that because he would he thinks i will end this in a terrible way or why does he think he'll end up

hating her if they break up if that was true you'd say you're gonna end up hating me right exactly so i don't want to end up hating you we shouldn't go any further yeah that's what's weird about it that implies that you're gonna become a monster yeah or it's saying i'm really bad to break up with so we don't want to go we don't want to go there because i'm an absolute nightmare when you break up with me i mean there's a there's a kind of there's a kind of victimhood thing going on in this one to me yes because it Because it's not like, you're not playing the martyr here where you're saying, well, you're not playing the kind of, what should I say? The villain who doesn't want to be the villain anymore.

And you're like, oh, I just, I don't want to do this because everyone I date ends up hating me. And it always ends up to being a train wreck. And I just don't, I don't want to be in that place again of hurting someone you're not even saying that you're not adopting the villain role and saying which by the way is there's a there's you know i mean there's money to be made in that role in relationships you know the playing the villain role there are people that will go for that i just don't end up being the bad guy again't want to end up being the bad guy again. Every relationship I end up being the bad guy.

There's a crowd that will go for that. Oh, yeah. But he's not even doing that. He's going for the I'll end up hating you role, which makes me the victim. I'm the victim of a horrendous ex and I just can't take it again. I just can't take it again. I just can't take the struggle. I just can't take the arguments and the ways that you'll change for the worse, the ways that you'll end up being difficult.

It's very confusing. It's creating a lot of, it's a lot of tropes in one. It's the like, we can never be together trope. It's the man who could be fixed trope. It's the doom. I've been hurt before trope it's the man who could be fixed trope it's the i've been hurt before trope so it's just you know it's very playing the violin for yourself and it's a great way to push off commitment while getting someone to sell themselves to you and not think that you're a write-off now because you don't want commitment because they think oh the problem is that he thinks i am going to end up hurting him well i just need to show him that that's not true

and you will be barking up the wrong tree and trying to prove that point because that's never the point in the first place the point is he's not ready for a real relationship oh and by the way just to add one more thing on this it's also to me a sign of immaturity that you know it almost speaks to someone who says when i get too close to someone i end up hating them which makes him the red flag not you because it's like saying i'm i i like you for as long as we're on the surface but getting to know you better that's what will make me hate you because I can't deal with people's flaws and I can't deal with the reality of a relationship which is actually getting to know someone and dealing with the stuff in that

relationship so we may be going too deep on it he may just be an idiot I think he's a coward who wants to break up with her and instead of being a bad guy he's like i'm not the bad guy i'm the hurt guy i'm not the bad guy yeah well i've been hurt in the past guy and i don't want to hurt you guy yeah but it's just funny isn't it because the being hurt in the past card doesn't normally come with saying i'm gonna end up hating you it normally is just i've been hurt before i don't want to get hurt again yeah it's like i'm i've been hurt before i don't want to get hurt again yeah it's like i'm i've been hurt before and now i hate women i'm just letting you know right now you're going to end up being an awful person very confusing i think so what's not

confusing is he is a bad candidate for a relationship and for your time and energy yeah to the sea but not to die, Audrey. Just to swim and struggle for a while. Okay. You said that with a very menacing face. Oh, I love this one. I can't give you a title, but I act like your boyfriend.

Aren't actions enough for you? Brilliant. Was that Harry to Meghan Markle? Oh, wow. Very good, Stephen. That's very good. That's really good.

Because you can't get a title. That's good English humour. Yeah, that's really very witty, Stephen. Monarchy banter. Nope, open my head. Meghan Markle can't get a title. No, nope. Open my head. Meghan Markle can't get a title. No, no, I get it now, but it's just all of this royal talk.

And whatever Audrey just said, it's completely over my head. Monarchy banter. Monarch banter. A monarchy banter. I thought that was like another title. I didn't know. Oh, monarchy banker. No.

Banker. I feel like we made a video, but this person is the reason we had to make that video. We're used to say, like, don't listen to what they have to say. Watch their actions. And then we had to change it where it's like, no, you have to watch their actions and their words and you have to believe whatever one is less likely. I need to explain this now. Cause that was very confusing.

Well, he, he is like, so on the nose, it's ridiculous. But we, we did a video at one point where it's like, if someone is acting like your boyfriend,

but they can't say the words, then that's all you need to know. Because, uh, Oh, I, I know exactly the train of thought you were you were going on now of course because this is the addendum isn't it yeah this is why we made this

guy is probably causing the confusion that made us have to make this next video so let me start at the beginning that the point we've made for a very long time is watch someone's actions not their words which on some level we've all heard before, right? If someone treats you badly, but they say they love you and that you mean so much to them, but they treat you really poorly, then their actions are what matter, not their words. But there is a caveat to that, we realized from years of coaching people, because there would be many examples where just like in the case of this guy, a woman would come to us and say that all of his actions say the right things. He comes to my house. I go to his house. We've met each other's friends. We hang out all the time. We text all

the time. We talk all the time. He behaves completely like my boyfriend. So if I were to measure him by his actions, not his words, I would say, this is great. This is exactly what I want. Except his words are, I'm not looking for a relationship or I can't commit to you right now. Or in this case, I can't give you a title. Which is the same thing. I can't give And a title stops me doing that. I can't handle the idea that in any way I'm committed, which even if he's acting as your boyfriend in practice is a problem because it says this person can't psychologically get them to a place of, get themselves to a place of thinking in terms of building something. So you will stand still with this person, albeit giving you the attention that a boyfriend would, you'll stand still with this person for as long as it takes for you to realize it's not

actually moving forward or for as long as it takes for him to bail because he finally says, I can't do this out loud. So what he's saying is I want my cake and to eat it. And I'm telling you, you know, why do you need a title? I'm already doing all of the right things. In his mind, it's like I can walk away with ease at any time as long as we don't have a title. Yeah, I think he needs to go into the sea as well. I think a simple model for this is actions are greater than words. Unless the words are unhelpful for your penis.

And what, and if I were to decode what Jameson said, because I know that is going to need some deciphering. If he says something that, and Jameson's right. If a guy says something that is going to hurt his chances of getting laid or might hurt his chances of getting laid you can absolutely believe that thing that he says because no guy wants to do that and and telling someone i don't want to give you a title could

make you go the other direction so if he's saying that he's showing a genuine resistance to the very concept of a relationship but he also is enjoying all of what the kind of feeling of a relationship can give him thanks for decoding me matt you're so welcome you get me we decode we decode each other he just wants him in wants to throw him into the sea yeah could you stop just making every you're not even making them walk the plank what sort of medieval medieval way of killing someone is that they must be thrown into the sea yeah this is gonna be what the new phrase of the podcast get they can get in the sea it's a common phrase have you never heard of it it just came from a metaphor i made up no it's a common phrase get in the sea get in the sea. It's a common phrase. Have you never heard of it? It just came from a metaphor I made up. No, it's a common phrase.

Get in the sea. Get in the sea, yeah. I've heard get in the bin. Well, it's a variation on get in the bin. So you and all your girls back in England say get in the sea. We used to. Did you really?

Yeah, 100%. Throw him unto the ocean. A bunch of fucking cockney pirates um can i just say i when i say this i don't mean to die necessarily you literally did say that i took it back i took it back come on i took it back you have to admit this guy's a total idiot yeah no i just i don't want to wish death on him it's like another one which also makes me a little bit angry go on rachel we will take it day by day so someone said this to her we'll take it day by day which makes which makes sense if you've been on one date but it doesn't make sense if you've been on a lot of dates with

someone and you're seeing them regularly and they're asking what this is and you go let's just take it day by day it's a very short compartment of time isn't it it's not not like a toddler oh you just have to take it day by day they're growing up no it's not a parenting advice like an alcoholic one day at a time but audrey but what if it was a line in the nicholas sparks novel because i think some people would go oh when he said that oh that's so spontaneous forget the rest of our lives no i mean that is that is someone who who you know wants not to think what did jesus say take no thought for the morrow he did say he takes no he did say that oh you were there was that nicholas sparks you know he he has no care for the future whatsoever he doesn't want to even

thinking about that because there's no good answers he can provide about the future it is literally let do not look further than your face on this one let's i don't want a relationship i want an experience also it's a phenomenon of men that just go, you know, we'll take it day by day. Let's just see where it goes. Be where your feet are. And I just think, come on. Yeah. But, you know, there are some women who get ahead of themselves. And there are some men who are very prepared to waste a hell of a lot of time by using such phrases.

Right. phrases right i guess i'm what i'm getting at is that you know we know that we coach people who get very carried away very quickly about you know sort of projecting into the future with someone they barely know and that can produce a kind of intensity in early dating that isn't always productive and so how if we're trying to eliminate confusion it might be useful to say at what point does let's take it day by day become invalid versus the voice of reason i think it always comes down to the girlfriend experience like when when you're starting to do the kinds of things that a girlfriend would do showing up for them caring for them nursing them on a day where they're not well exactly they call you when they're having a hard day at work you see them every weekend you might even have a title of

sorts and and the question is more like you're looking to the future and you're like what about this what's going to happen here? And it's take it day by day. Let's just see what happens. Yeah. I think that's probably a good barometer because if somebody is willing to take whatever they want and whatever they need from you,

but they're not willing to give you any kind of concrete security or commitment, then that's a problem. I like it. I think we cleared up some confusion there. We have another lovely woman who wrote in. She's called Nanny. She wrote in that somebody said to her, your next boyfriend will dot, dot, dot.

And she said she blocked out the rest because she was so surprised. So I think an example would be if, you know, somebody was, when they met you, they didn't work out, for instance. And you got them into exercise. And now they're really into exercise. And somebody might go as a throwaway comment, your next boyfriend is going to be such a lucky guy since we've been together you've got into all these great habits I think that's how that would have been said I don't know but I would that's how I would picture it and if that's the case what does it mean well I'm looking at you James and what do you think that means do you have an instinct on that I'm just I don't know why but I'm curious about what your answer is uh yeah I think Audrey's example is quite good, I don't know why, but I'm curious about what your answer is. Yeah, I think Audrey's example is quite good.

So I don't know. I think it's probably coming from maybe just a very critical place where it is sort of like, I've improved you and I need you to acknowledge that I've improved you. And also maybe it's a slight Freudian slip the way I just said this, because this relationship probably isn't going to last. Like you're going to have another boyfriend in the future yeah and so i i think you're onto something with that i think there's an arrogance to it right but there's also a which by the way that arrogance or that feeling of i've improved you might speak to some resentment It might even speak to a level of contempt that like there's things about you that need

improving. There's things about you that need to change. And by being around me, I've seen some of these things start to change in a more acceptable direction. And the, as you say, the tail end of that sentence or the beginning of that sentence, your boy, your next boyfriend is, you know, let's say in this example, going to benefit from these changes, I think is a, is a slip where someone has already in some, they're already kind of hedging. There's some part of them that is maybe laying awake at night going is this the

right relationship for me so not like a full slip but just like a hedge where it's like i'm gonna slip this in here half consciously and you're gonna like it's gonna create a softer landing i think consciously or unconsciously it's a way of creating a little distance yeah it's a way of being like i've not made up my mind about you yet i've not fully committed i'm not fully all in and this is me this is my way of leaking that so it's not just in my head yeah it's also out there and that almost prepares you it keeps it manages your expectations for the moment. You've leaked it to the press before. Yeah.

Before the big announcement. Exactly. Don't be too surprised if this, you know, at some point did end because I'm already having thoughts of not being entirely sure about this. So I think it's a, consciously or unconsciously, it's a way of creating a little bit of distance entirely sure about this so i think it's a it consciously or unconsciously it's a way of creating a little bit of distance what about this one shani depp said let's be exclusive friends what does that mean steven i don't know that's weird exclusive friends that's i mean that's a tall demand isn't it exclusive friends do you intuitively know what

that is i i think um i think it was just a complete it's actually similar to the last one where i think this is a complete freudian slip or i think he was trying to say let's be fuck buddies let's be let's be casual but let's still be sort of exclusive. And let's, for some reason, I'm just kind of smuggling this in, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with sex. So you're saying that he, is he saying, I don't want you to have sex with other people. Like let's just be friends with benefits with each other. Yeah. I think that's where the slip came from.

Let's be exclusive. So he's like, I don't want to be in in a relationship but i want us to have our own private little thing i could see them they probably just hooked up that night he's having like a little moment yeah maybe it came from like a tender place he didn't want the real commitment but he's like let's just be like exclusive friends you're like my special friend yeah let's be exclusive but he doesn't want to actually give a relation he doesn't want to get into a relationship yeah do you think is he saying is he saying he's happy like he wants to sleep with other people i don't even think it's coming

from that he's he's just immediately thinking to lock in what he's got with her right i was assuming that that was in good faith or it's like he wanted like an exclusive like he's not going to sleep with other people but maybe not yeah maybe he's like let's have going to sleep with other people, but maybe not. Yeah, maybe he's like, let's have this moment just exclusively for us. He's saying, whatever this is, he's like, don't stop this. Let's keep doing this. Yeah, that's what I mean. Wow, good.

That's a good one, Jameson. And finally, we have the lovely Fine and Danny who has sent in the old faithful, it's not you, it's me. Well, that's sort of all of these are some not all of them but 80 of these have been some version of it's not you it's me apart from the guy well they're they're all like i'm i've got some complicated thing that means i can't be with you even though you're so incredible and i like you so much apart from the the guy that said I'll end up hating you that was

very much it's gonna be you not me um but you know generally it's the the it's not you it's me usually centers on some kind of personal complication about what I've been through the way I've been hurt why my life is complicated right now, why I don't have a lot of time right now, why I just can't get into something right now, why you're so amazing, and that's why I can't be with you. All of these things, they sound complicated. And what you have to understand is that it's much more productive for someone to be complicated than to just tell you that they don't want a relationship. Because if they're complicated, you will try to work them out. If someone gives you a Rubik's cube, you start twisting it in different directions, trying to get all the colors on the right side.

But if someone just gives you a finished Rubik's cube and the result is like it spells, I'm bad investment, then there's nothing to work out. It's just, oh, this person's trouble. This person's going to work out it's just oh this person's this person's trouble this person's gonna be bad news but if I can be complicated then I can push off a relationship at the same time as making you work harder so be beware anyone who acts complicated or who explicitly says it's complicated or who says i'm complicated or who says oh but my past oh but there's all but that whatever i mean look we always come back to the same thing which is that you you they have their reasons you have your reality and your reality is the only thing that

matters. Their reasons actually don't matter. Even if they're sympathetic, they actually don't matter because your reasons may be sympathetic. But if my reality is still that you just don't want a relationship, then that's my reality. It really doesn't matter how many different ways I try to assess and analyze and solve the riddle of why you're complicated. And when someone gives you a riddle, the most manipulative people will specifically give you that riddle. So that you spend so much time solving the riddle that you forget to actually look at what you're getting and realize that it's terrible. Distract you with the riddle. I have a quote here from Naval Ravikant.

And it's, it's the mark of a charlatan to try and explain simple things in complex ways. And it's the mark of a genius to explain complicated things in simple ways and there is a crazy amount of currency in complexity in relationships and it stems all the way from like from more picking on men in this episode but like you know the the cliche girl in high school who's just like hot and cold and confusing and mixed signals. All of that stuff is just, oh, it brings curiosity. And when you don't learn what to value,

and you start to value that complexity more than you should. Oh, this is, I mean, it's really important you say that, Jameson, because women say the most complicated things at times to men and men sit there trying to work out what these things mean like what did she mean when she said that and you're like she's fucking toying with you dude i think as well you know we actually had a guy write in underneath his comments and he wrote dude with loads of views women say this shit all the time i believe it was called toby but it made me laugh but i think you know i think it's worth noting is that nobody likes to be the bad guy and i think that a lot of these is i'm not the bad guy i'm just a confused guy i'm not the bad

guy i'm just a scared guy i'm not the bad guy i'm just a i like you too much guy and that frightens me and i think that there is a lack of ownership that goes on in both men and women when it comes to ending relationships that we just aren't that into or just aren't right for us for some reason. And instead of saying, I'm not feeling like my needs are met

or I'm not happy or I don't feel the spark, which is an awkward and difficult thing to say to someone, we make up these convoluted reasons which end up confusing the person having them think about it you know months and sometimes years down the line so moral of the story always be honest but not as honest as the guy who wrote um you're great on paper that's too too much honesty. But honest is just, honest is just not, you know, it's more than honesty. It's integrity and having the kind of character that doesn't waste someone's time. Because there are ways of saying things that give someone a sense of hope

and there are ways of saying things that make clear to someone i'm i'm not uh you know i'm not someone that is going to go any further with this because I can't give you what you want. The easiest thing in the world to do for anyone, not just men, is to continue to see someone and lead them on, knowing they want more from you than you want from them. And that's something most of us at some point in our life have fallen into, some more than others. And I count myself among the person that's the people that have done it the more, the more. But I, you know, who hasn't at some point or another known that they like someone more than that person likes them and kind of run it down the road a bit longer than perhaps they should have because they didn't have anything else going on at the time and they ended up hurting someone as a result uh it wasn't a malicious thing but they did that. And to what's been read out are differing degrees of bad,

of keeping someone on the hamster wheel, knowing that it's going nowhere, but it benefits you for them to be on that wheel for longer, selfishly. But what we can do, stopping short of changing the consciousness of the entire world, is make a point of looking for simple in our love life. Simple is someone wanting what we want, not someone who presents a whole bunch of complicated reasons about why they can't meet us there. If you have been listening to this episode thinking, I really want to learn more about how to have productive conversations with the people in my life in a way that cuts through the bullshit and actually gets me clarity on where it's going and lets that person know what my

standards are, what I'm willing to put up with, what I'm not willing to put up with so that I can stop wasting my time in my dating life. How to Talk to Men is our program that helps you do that. And today we have a free chapter from the program that we're gifting you at getthefreechapter.com. So you can go there now, download that chapter and read it for free. Go check it out, getthefreechapter.com and we will see you in the next episode of Love Life. Thank you.