Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 197: What If I Love Him But The Sexual Spark Is Gone?

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

Can you have a relationship that starts great - but becomes sexually boring? Can it happen with someone you're truly meant to be with? It's always a hard moment if you're with someone who ticks many of your boxes, but one crucial aspect of the relationship isn't working. So how much should you work to get the spark back? Matt, Stephen, Audrey and Jameson discuss why the spark fades, how to get more honest with your partner about your intimate needs, and strategies to inject sexual excitement into your relationship again. --- Download our free guide on simple texts you can send to spark attraction. Go to 9Texts.com to get your copy. --- Email us! You can in touch with the show and give your feedback/thoughts at [e-mail] --- Follow Matt on Insta @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen on Insta @stephenhhussey

It's not just you wonder why you're less attracted to them because they're in their pajamas all the time, literally or, you know, metaphorically. It's also that you are. Welcome everybody to the Love Life Podcast with the Jams crew, Jameson, Audrey, Stephen and me. We are the Jams. Do we still play that theme song? We have not been. Wow. Can we give it a rerun right now, Thomas?

Can we just give everyone a little reminder of that wonderful theme song that was presented to us by andrea andrea gal they are the gems help where they can inspiration in life and love and confidence they'll make you laugh sometimes you'll cry and that is why pickles peaches pears we love the gems just a reminder of who we are we are answering a listener question today this one is from Ella and she emailed in to our email address for the podcast, podcast at matthewhussey.com. A question about losing the spark in her relationship. If you are currently in a situation with somebody where maybe there was never that chemistry and you're wondering whether you've made a mistake

by staying in something where there wasn't chemistry in the first place, or you felt it early on and it started to fade, or maybe you feel like you've lost that spark altogether and you're wondering what to do about that. That is what this question addresses. I think you're really going to enjoy the conversation that comes afterwards. There's a lot of different perspectives and there's a lot of really practical advice thrown in. So enjoy this episode. And if you want to email us your question for a future episode, send it to podcast at matthewhussey.com. This listener is Allah and Stephen, will you do the honors? Hi, Matt and co. Love your podcast. I listened to the episode. Why aren't you attracted to him? And I found it very relevant to me, especially the part about fixing my brain. I am with an

amazing guy who is kind, generous and makes me feel special, but I am lacking a sexual spark. We have been together for a while now and I'm very torn if it's an effect of a long-term relationship or if I fell out of love. How do you tell the difference? I know it is challenging to keep the spark alive, but the sexual chemistry is a must for me in the relationship. Thank you. And I forgot to mention that I went and bought a pumpkin spice latte after listening to the episode, even though I live in Sydney, Australia, and it's the middle of spring here.

Regards, Allah. That's a real Matt move. I like that Australia still does pumpkin spice lattes on the schedule of the rest of the world, even though their season is different. It's a Halloween thing, isn't it? Yeah, that's right.

Well, it's also a fall thing. Pumpkins are more of a fall thing. I feel like that's become, what's the word, deracinated from its original association there. Good word. Good French word. Deraciné. Didn't know that was a french word i

suppose pumpkins have become synonymous with halloween i remember matt when we were in australia and it was very very hot in december and it felt very weird for us because it was christmas right around the corner and it was blazing hot um and there were all these adverts for like shrimp barbecue at christmas it's like enjoy your christmas with a lovely shrimp barbecue barbecues on the beach yeah yeah it's really interesting well i uh alla um thank you for your email i you know i was trying to see if anywhere in your email you had said you started attracted to him but then lost it and correct me if i'm wrong anyone but did i feel like she didn't actually say anywhere that she was attracted

to him in the beginning no but i think it's implied by saying um that she is torn whether it is an effect of a long-term relationship or whether she has fallen out of love. So she's been with him for a long time and she's wondering whether that's why. So I do think it was working. Do you think she had it in the beginning? I think so. I think so.

I think it was fine in the beginning, but now it's been a while and she's no longer feeling sexually attracted in that way. What do you think about that i think it's quite common um for that to happen it's really difficult because i'm no expert on sort of like i don't know how long her relationship is but how how to keep the spark alive in a 20-year marriage or in a really long-term relationship but I think if people you know with with sex and intimacy I sort of feel like it's something that has to be nurtured along the way and it's something that it's quite a sort

of delicate ecosystem and it's something that you have to put effort into all the time and you have to almost put you know significantly more effort into it as you go on because in the beginning you have all the dopamine and the hormones basically just making you like making it so effortless and easy and obviously um over time they get replaced with different hormones you just you become more sort of loving and you nest a little bit more and I think those kinds of urges aren't as prominent but I think that you you know having regular intimacy like daily or every couple of days it doesn't mean you have to have sex every day but I think having daily kind of intimate contacts and sexual contact of some form allow for your relationship to continue down that track and I and sometimes I think that the reason this is really common is that

over time you become complacent and you do it less and less and less and the act of doing it less means that you really kind of fracture yourself from that person sexually. And then it becomes really difficult to tell the difference. So for me, reading that and not knowing a ton of information on it, my advice would be that if she's not sure, she should find out. And maybe the way to find out is to have a conversation with him and explain that she would like them to be more intimate and she misses the intimacy and then they can go on a kind of 30-day journey together where they commit to you know whether it's three times a week or every day or whatever they can

manage they say they say like we're gonna actually try and proactively be intimate x amount of times and then see if that sort of kickstarts it back a little bit and it might be that in the beginning she's not feeling it or it might be that after 15 days she's really not feeling it and then you probably have your answer but I think that if there is any hope for it to be revived and it isn't that she's fallen out of love and attraction with him that could be the thing that revives it i i want to add something to that which is that you we all have to kind of learn to be a bit of an expert on what turns us on and and pay attention to the things that do and then drop giant honking clues to your partner about what those things are on a regular basis and make sure that they're doing those things and it's you know

we so much of of and what i'm losing the spark to me is we stop listening. We stop listening to, part of it is proximity and we just get very close. And when you're around someone all the time, it's just easy to lose the spark, isn't it? It's easy to go, you know, to get dull on anything that you're around too much all the time. You can lose that thing that makes it feel special and mysterious and even challenging. You know, I lose that, that element of wanting to grab onto something. If it's always in your lap, there's nothing to grab onto. So some of it is proximity, but it's also, we, we stopped listening to each other. You know, we, we gradually start to, you know, when we get into a relationship, we started by going on dates and getting dressed up for each other. And, and at a certain point

you stopped doing that. And, and it's not just, you wonder why you're less attracted to them because they're in their pajamas all the time, literally, or, you know, metaphorically. It's also that you are. And when we're in our pajamas, we don't feel sexy either. You know, the very act of getting dressed up and going on a date and feeling a certain way makes us want to have sex more. And sometimes we stop doing that when we feel like we can stop trying. So there's part of it that we need to try more and put ourselves in a sexy mood and a sexy mindset. Part of it is dropping clues as to how they can do it more and what they can do. If you notice like, oh, weirdly these days I kind of am attracted to

this kind of outfit or to when you do this, or there was some weird thing you did the other day that caught me off guard and was kind of interesting. Follow that and encourage it in the other person. Don't expect them to be a mind reader. Don't expect them to figure out three years into a relationship, how to newly turn you on. Learn what newly turns you on and then find tactful ways to get them doing those things, dressing that way, you know, encourage those little behaviors or those surprising things they can do. And that's a real gift to your partner. And what it does is it takes responsibility for bringing that sexuality and that spark and that chemistry back

into the relationship. And if after some time of doing that, you realize that, wow, you really have just become friends, then that's a different story. You can address what that means and whether that's something that is tenable for you long-term or not. But I would say that take responsibility first for bringing that element back into the relationship instead of hoping that it will change on its own. And then if it's not working, you can assess the bigger decisions. Yeah. I think if you're truly wondering if you should end it, then it's worth experimenting quite a bit first. Like, go ahead and throw some Hail Marys.

I mean, I think I have three quick pieces of advice. One is work out with your partner or alone, but make sure he knows that you're working out. That's such good advice. Like if you go to go to the gym together, but like, you know, do your separate things. But to be seen improving yourself separately can just be he can be looking at you from a distance and be kind of turned on. Or you're just feeling a little bit better about yourself. You might be a little bit more turned on. There's also, I think, just literally a chemical effect that you work out and it just, you know, boosts testosterone and it just, you know, it, it just the act of working out itself, what it does physiologically to us,

primes us to, to be more in that gear. 100%. If it, it might even out your hormones, but it might for him, for a guy who's in a long-term relationship, he might need a boost of testosterone. If he takes a boxing, boxing class or something, it might help him out and it's funny because we just did a we just did an episode about porn and we said that we pretty much said like probably should could get by with less porn but if you're gonna throw hail mary why not just like okay introduce a little bit of porn and see if there's something there if you guys watch it together if it's like a a category of like it doesn't have to be a BDSM or awful intense category.

It could be like real couples having sex and see if that does. I mean, this guy's probably like still masturbating, I assume, if it's not just a pure sex drive thing. And again, maybe you'll find out there too. If he's really not interested in sex maybe that's your hail mary um decision or what you find out i like i like that concept of at a certain point why not be more experimental because what do you have to lose even if it surprises someone and they're like whoa like that that may initially catch them

off guard and it might even make them a bit defensive but it also reintroduces a sense of mystery into the relationship too and that that in itself can be an aphrodisiac to be like whoa i feel like i know you a little less today and if you're gonna end up having these conversations that you're talking about audrey um that might be a good way to get into it because instead of just starting with like let's get intimate and discuss our intimacy issues and let's set a schedule to try to have sex once a day or three times a week or whatever the schedule is that's not very sexy i think if it starts with like a hail mary and that gets the conversation going like, oh, that was kind of like fun and different. Like, yeah, we should, we aren't like actually doing this the same way we

used to. We, I don't know. Do you want to like do this again sometime? I don't know. I'm just open to it. And then you can begin those conversations rather than, you know, making it a little bit clinical about these decisions. I totally agree. I also want to, I think it's important to address how, you know, if the sex isn't going well between two people, there's, my friends and I used to call it the sexy elephant in the room. We coined it years ago because it's like this real thing where you know if you're not having sex or you're not enjoying sex or whatever and you're both kind of aware of it because both both parties are you know if it's like you used to have sex every day and now you do it once a month like no one's unaware of that it becomes this elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about because it's awkward it's embarrassing you don't want to hurt feelings and it just becomes this really very toxic thing actually

that's unaddressed more than hurt feelings it it kind of becomes this complicit thing like neither of us are in that mood so like we're both not mentioning it because it serves us to not mention it yeah or one person's not in a mood and the other person has been rejected one too many times to keep trying yeah and i think that you know it's really important not to let that that's a very insidious thing in relationships that happens and i think you're totally right Jay like the communication needs to be light it can't be like scheduling daily sex at 6 p.m meet me there so we can have our 20 minutes daily sex obviously that's not right but I do think opening up communication if you're in a committed relationship where you really love the person instead of making it this kind of secret um like I said the sexy elephant in the room

opening it up in a way where you are going I want us to have more sex you know I really miss we used to have sex all the time I really miss that like you know I think we should try this I think we should do that it's as long as it's coming from a playful adventurous excited place I think these conversations are really important because they're it's as long as it's coming from a playful adventurous excited place i think these conversations are really important because they're it's important to state that it's not happening because you almost the moment you communicate it that breaks down and that's a really good thing so i think that's just i just can imagine in that situation half of the problem being that nobody wants to talk about the fact that no one's having sex. And then it becomes the bigger problem of the relationship. And then

no sex happens. And then it just grows and grows and grows. And that's over time, it just becomes irreparable. I just say maybe try a couple Hail Marys before that Hail Mary too. Because so much of, I mean, you're going to get, you just get in your head about it, right? And like so much of, I mean, you're going to get, you just get in your head about it, right? And like so much of sex is the best sex. You're not really thinking about it, you know? And how are you going to not think about that pink, sexy elephant in the room? I'm just talking about that. If I mentioned the pink, sexy elephant in the room.

No, you don't say there's a sexy elephant in the room. I also would say it's an, surely it's an unsexy elephant. No, we used to say, we used to say like come along and like swing his trunk and be like well that sounds like a good thing yeah this is more of a cock blocking elephant yeah someone having an affair with the elephant no no it's because it's like the elephant is sexy and it's in the room and it's the thing you're not having so it's like standing out to you i feel like if an elephant was that sexy you'd want to talk about it i i feel like that the elephant in the room is sort of like it's more of an eeyore that we're like we don't

want to talk about this because this is not going well you're missing the point you're missing the point no but i would just i would say be a little bit guys egos are so wrapped up into this if you suddenly bring up the fact like oh yeah i'm not satisfied in the bedroom let's now satisfy me in the bedroom he's gonna be like oh shit like in his head he's gonna not be able to think no i agree but i do think saying like oh like i do you remember when we did this like it was so fun i miss and you know, you can be in that moment, you can touch them. And you can almost be very much like you try and almost stoke the fire and the flames a little bit. Because I think that I guess my point, I totally agree with

you, Jay, there's like so many wrong ways to bring it up that will absolutely hinder and like damage the whole thing further. But I do think I'm speaking more in terms of her question which is very much I'm trying to identify whether the sexual spark is gone forever and I've fallen out of love or whether there's something I can do about it right and I sometimes think if she's got in her head about the fact that she doesn't want to have sex with him half of that will be because she hasn't been able to communicate that to him in any way so throwing Hail Marys if she's the one who doesn't fancy it might actually be like it's it's it's a good idea and I think she

should do it but I think almost kind of getting eliminating the and all of the heaviness that she's feeling around it and having a real connected conversation about it that isn't serious and that isn't doing that. Just more from a kind of looking back and going like, you know, that was really fun. I want to do that again. I really miss that. I think that creates intimacy. And communication is at the heart of every functioning couple in every department well i think it's somewhere between the two right

communication is super important and and in your case you're saying you could look backwards and reference things you've enjoyed doing before and you miss it and you want to do it again you could also look forwards and say here's something i'd love to try with you or this is something that's like on my mind as a fantasy with you i'd love to try with you or this is something that's like on my mind as a fantasy with you i'd love to do it what's your fantasy that's all a version of communication it's just about the communication that doesn't wreck someone's ego in the process and and i think both points are true i do think though that and i agree with you but i do think that if she's the one who's struggling i don't know how he is feeling but if she's the one who's struggling to want to do it he needs to know that to a degree there's

obviously he doesn't need to know that it's in its entirety because that would be really damaging but it is up to him to have that information so he can fix it too rather than her constantly being like let's try this let's try that when she's not in the mood for it because that's actually going to be further detrimental it needs to be something where they work together on it. some version of I'm not turned on, that's hard for him to come back from. Like it's hard for him to suddenly go into sexy mode because it feels like such a giant risk at that point. Because if I like try to go into sexy mode now and it doesn't work, I'm shattered.

I think I have a litmus test for this which it just ask yourself before you make any of these moves is this gonna be is gonna add pressure is it gonna be a pressure valve sometimes talking about it can be a pressure valve and let it out let it out a little bit sometimes it can add pressure which is like i'm not i'm sorry i'm not i'm not in the mood i haven't been in the mood for a long time. Or, you know, you could say, I feel like it's taken me longer to get into the sexy mood. Let's make out a little bit more or something or whatever that is that kind of just relieves the pressure.

Pressure and sexiness doesn't go well together. It's not like peanut butter and jam. It's the yes and of sex isn't it really like it the the yes and of sex is how do i create this kind of you know i want that's fine but i'd love to do this too or and i and i'd love to do this and it would help me if you did this as well. And I'm excited about the idea of trying this and I miss this thing we used to do. What you want, if anything, this is, I think the, I guess the point I'm trying to make to try and make it practical. You want this person to be in a mindset where they'll take more risks. And people take more risks when they're feeling reassured or when they're feeling confident,

when they're feeling bolder. They don't tend to take risks if they already feel like they're in a losing position. So it's how do I put this person in a mindset where they're actually willing to take more risks because more risks is what I need from them. If they play it safer, if my words suddenly make them retreat and make them play it even safer than they are now, we're doomed. Thank you for listening, everyone. Don't forget to email your responses to this podcast. How did you feel about it? What resonated with you?

Is there anything you'd like to add? Tell us a story. We love hearing your stories. Send them to podcast at matthewhussey.com and we'll speak to you next time in Love Life.