Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 2: The Big Question: How Are You At Your Worst??

Episode Date: February 20, 2020

You might be the kind of person who is funny, joyful, and amazing to be around when you’re in a great mood. But what about when things get tough? Or stressful? Or when there’s conflict and problems? It’s time to ask the really important question that defines so many relationships: “how are you at your worst??” Listen to the episode to find out why this is one of the most defining parts of yourself you can ever work on to improve your love life... Follow Matthew @thematthewhussey, and Stephen @stephenhhussey  

Can you imagine if I said to you about an abusive husband? If you can't accept him at his worst, you don't deserve him at his best. What? This is nonsense. This is literally the mantra of a narcissist. Welcome back to the Love Life Podcast with Matthew Hussey. I am Stephen Hussey, co-writer here at HowToGetTheGuy.com and it is such a pleasure to be back on the airwaves doing this new series of episodes for you. So, today's topic is going to be what causes relationships to end. You know so many people come to our blogs, to our YouTube channel

and they're looking for advice on how do I be more attractive, how do I be charismatic and magnetic and how do I get that person I really want to commit to a relationship? But there's another side to this coin that is under-discussed in my opinion, which is what are our destructive or toxic relationship patterns that cause our relationships to fall apart in the same way again and again and again? And if we don't carefully look at ourselves and work on these problems then they can cause all our relationships even great ones to end in the same way so i want to jump right now into matt live on stage talking on this exact topic check it out because the thing that i've learned in this area,

everyone who says, just be your best, be your best self, be your best self, you've got to be your best self, just be your best self. I'm trying to live my best life. I'm trying to be my best self. Here's the problem. Here's the problem with that. It's easy to be your best self when everything's going well.

It's easy to be your best self when you're feeling fit and healthy, when work's going well, when your partner's telling you that they love you 10 times a day, when you feel great. It's easy to be your best self. We ruin relationships when we are at our worst. When we're our worst selves. There's this quote that's falsely, I believe, attributed to Marilyn Monroe. I'm not sure she ever said it, when we are at our worst, when we're our worst selves.

There's this quote that's falsely, I believe, attributed to Marilyn Monroe. I'm not sure she ever said it, but there was a quote attributed to her that is, if you can't accept me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best. What a ridiculous notion that is. What a recipe for any excuse. Can you imagine if I said to you about an abusive husband? If you can't accept him at his worst, you don't deserve him at his best. What? This is nonsense. This is literally the mantra of a narcissist.

No. Our worst self has the potential to do awful things, to do extraordinarily insecure things. Everyone in this room has done something really insecure that they've looked back on and gone, I cannot believe I did that. I cannot believe I did that. That was stalker-esque. That was like me playing an MI5 agent for a day. That was creepy as shit. What the fuck was I thinking? That was some crazy shit and I did that. And you know that's not you. You know that's not normally you, but like, you did it. You did it. Everyone's had that.

Everyone's done something they're not proud of. And it wasn't because you were trying to be your best and you fell short. It was because you allowed your worst self to take over in that moment and your worst self was under the dictatorship of your emotions in that moment. It's not just about being our best, it's about managing our worst. Not just being my best self, but managing my worst self. I have been in love with this concept ever since Matt and I first spoke about it. And it's one of those things that when I look back on relationships I had in my 20s or friends' relationships, when I've talked to them about why

they broke up it's one of those things that I found to become more and more true over time you know it's not often it doesn't matter how high the highs are how great things are when you're both at your best it's you know when I look back at my own relationships it's those moments when there was jealousy or there was neediness or there was anxiety and problems would mount and there would be tension. And, you know, maybe there'd be disagreements that would enter arguments and then a three day silent treatment. And those were the things that often tore the relationship apart. It was how things got when someone was feeling negative at their worst, when problems arose, how did we solve those conflicts and you know if we're bad in those moments, if we react in such a

strong way or the dragon comes out and suddenly we turn into a monster and there's a big fight or we emotionally close up in those moments and become withdrawn and impossible for our partner to get through to, those are the things that make someone snap where they think, I can't be in this anymore, I can't deal with this person, this is too much, this is too difficult, and of course then relationships end. And we think, well what happened? We were so well matched, things were so great, we were so compatible, but of course all those things are irrelevant if you go through the same arguments or the same problems every two weeks, every month, because then suddenly those

negative moments add up and become unbearable. So I think this is a huge concept and it takes a lot of self-criticism. I don't think we should beat ourselves up, but being really honest with ourselves and saying, where am I unbearable at times? What is my worst self? What am I like when the chips are down, when I'm low? How quickly do I recover? How good am I at just calmly bringing a beat in those moments when we're at our worst selves, because we're not going to get rid of that entirely or our flaws are going to be there, but we can mitigate the worst effects of them. And if we can take a beat and solve the problem in a more grown up way, that's what transforms relationships. Okay, that's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for tuning in.

If you want to get involved in the discussion, and I urge you to do so, you can email at podcast at matthewhussey.com. And in those emails, I would love to hear from you. What is a weakness you need to work on in relationships? What is something you do when you're at your worst that you think you can improve on? Email me there. I'll read every single one. Maybe we'll discuss some of them on a future show. And if you want to download our free guide to find out the main reasons a guy pulls away in the early stages of a relationship, go to whyhe'sgone.com and you can download a free guide. It's going to give you five of the biggest reasons someone pulls away. Some may apply to you, all may apply to you, maybe none apply to you. Check it out and take a look. That's whyhe'sgone.com and that's it from me today. Thank you for tuning in. I'm going to head out now and I will see you very soon.