Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 202: YOUR BIGGEST Fears In Dating (And How To Get Over Them)

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

We asked YOU for your biggest fears in dating and you gave us answers! In this episode, Matt, Stephen, Audrey and Jameson talk about the common fears in early dating that hold us back, make us insecure, and cause us to self-sabotage. We give some practical tips on how to break through these limiting beliefs and feel your best when dating and meeting new people. --- Download our free guide on how to get out of a dating rut. Go to 3SecretsToLove.com! --- Register for my FREE live training "Dating with Results". Go to DatingWithResults.com

Anxiety, what it does to us, is it has us putting this one thing under a microscope and living there and just watching that thing. oh i've got a bit of news to start this show what's the news today is the first day that you can register for our free 90 minute training Results, that is taking place on the 15th of February. I am going to be giving 90 minutes live, virtually, to everyone all over the world who signs up for this training. And so if you are sick and tired of dating, if you are getting burnout from the number of bad dates you're getting on, or the number of bad dates you're getting on, or the number of texts that you're having to exchange that aren't even leading to dates, this training is for you. Maybe you've been single for a while. Maybe you've just had your heart broken by someone who you really liked but wasn't serious. Maybe you're tired of hookup culture. No matter what

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today about people's fears when dating. Yeah, we actually put something out on social media which was uh it read what is your biggest fear in early dating and we had 1350 comments and uh people just basically shared with us their biggest fear so we pulled out some of the most kind of reoccurring themes and the most relatable fears in early dating and i intentionally didn't look at these because i was like i'm i'm gonna wait and do this live on the show what percentage of these fears were spiders i would have put that one i would have put that too in early dating well imagine you're dating someone spider in the kitchen and and they need you to take it outside right they're equally if you imagine if you're dating someone who's equally afraid of spiders.

Oh, it's worse. It's worse. She's not afraid of spiders, but you're terrified. That's us, isn't it? That's probably me and Audrey's relationship, actually. No, what I was thinking. Did anyone put the concept of infinity?

Also, also scary if you think about it. I think people are more concerned with things ending in dating, Steve, than they are worried about infinity. What I was thinking that we could do is if I read out to you guys some of those fears and you guys can maybe come up with ways of reframing those fears for people. Because I think that will be really, really useful for our listeners. You know, methods and tools to actually overcome those kinds of fits, because they are really common in early dating. And the same stuff did come up over and over again. So you guys ready? Let's do it. Number one, somebody wrote, I'm afraid of noticing differences in communication day to day and it feeling off, but also hesitating to clarify

the difference between that and what was said in person. Because it hasn't been that long and we don't know each other well yet, but at the same time, you know it feels different. Now, what she means is basically feeling a shift in energy when you're in the early stages of dating, but feeling like it's too soon to bring it up because you don't want to come across as a crazy psycho person so instead you just suffer the inconsistency that you feel in the shift that you feel um and it makes you feel anxious and terrible about yourself because you're too scared to bring it up yeah i mean it's so common and it's a normal feeling it's a a natural feeling. How entitled are we to someone's energy in the beginning? How much should we expect things to go a certain way from someone who maybe doesn't owe us anything at this stage? this is a kind of nice way of simplifying things because that, that is almost that question.

The fear is this fear of being out of control. I'm not in control. The energy is different than the energy we had when we were in person. So I now don't know what to do because if I tell them that I've felt an energy shift, then all of a sudden I might be imposing too much on them. So I just feel like I'm stuck. in early dating is assessing whether what someone is giving me is the kind of energy that would warrant me giving more or me continuing to give to this situation. That's what I'm assessing. I'm not assessing whether I'm good enough for this person. I'm not assessing just my attraction for them. If I. If I'm wanting them to text me, then I've already got attraction. That's a tick. But if we then start by saying, okay, what

kind of energy, if I got it, would warrant me continuing to invest in this? And know that before you even go in so that you don't overvalue someone just based on an attraction. And then this is something I've been saying recently that I think is really, really important. Model the kind of communication that you would like to see from them. So that, and I will add a caveat to this, model the kind of communication that you would have on your best day, on your most confident day, not on your least. So you may, the way you could trip up is you could say, well, if I modeled the kind of communication I want to see, I'd message them every 10 minutes. But I would argue that's not you on your best day. That's you on a day where you have nothing going on, no sense of purpose, nothing, you know, you're not being present with your friends or your family or the people you're spending time with. You're not

enjoying your own company. That's not you on your best day. But if you imagine you on your best day and what you would like to see from this person on your best, most confident day, model that and see if they can reciprocate at that level. See if they give it back to you at that level. And then by the way, see if tomorrow when you don't do that, they still do it, even though you're not the one leading. And if you see a pattern where they're trying, that's great. It may even help initiate a pattern where they try more because you've actually taken it into your own hands in modeling it instead of just mirroring poor communication from them. That's a big mistake people make.

They feel like they're trapped and they're out of control because they're just in mirroring mode. They're just mirroring what someone else is doing. They're not modeling what they want to be the dynamic. And I think what's important about this point because i understand the fear very well it's like this uncanny valley of standards where you want you feel like you want to ask something of somebody else but you haven't built enough leverage to ask for something from someone else but i think that's actually the reframe i would do for this is like you're focusing too much on asking for something this standard at this stage is about you right it's like inward

looking a little bit like how much am i going to invest based off what they do not trying to kind of like get some behavior out of them at this point i love that very good very good all right this is going well this is this is such a good idea wasn't it i like this idea yeah it's great anyway um somebody else wrote that they are the stage of dating multiple women so this is interesting right because people have different standards when it comes to you know exclusivity in the beginning and it can be really difficult especially when um you know people want to rush into things physically and intimately. And they're happy to, you know, we actually had an email the other day from one of our podcast listeners who said that she's been dating someone and they're pushing them to have sex, but they won't hold their

hand in the street. And she finds that really bizarre. And there was something in that that I thought was interesting, which is, typically I think you know people some some people like to just rush into all of the physical stuff but when it comes to actually you know asking for emotional intimacy it's like a whole thing and what she's bringing up is this idea of you know if they are dating multiple people and they're being intimate with multiple people I might get hurt because that might not be my standard. So how do you sort of juggle that? Well, you don't, you don't feel the need to move as fast as anyone else they're dating. I think that's a big key. It's like, you can be okay. I don't, fine. If you don't want to hold

hands, that's okay. But I'm not going to then do all of this other stuff behind closed doors and don't make me feel like the weird one because it is a nice frame that she put it and that you just reiterated with the hand holding where it's like why is it weird that i would want to hold hands and it's not weird that you would like to have sex like that's that's so inverted yeah and it's not weird that you would like to have sex. Like that's, that's so inverted. Yeah. And it's, and by the way, it should be a kind of, that should be a bit of a red flag. I'm not saying it should be a note against someone's, a mark against someone's character, but it should be a red flag in terms of the way this person is treating dating. Because if they're more ready to jump into bed with you than they are hold your hand,

this is a person who's not necessarily open to connection. This is a person who's not open to a kind of a much more genuine form of intimacy. They're just trying to, you know, have their cookie. They're not trying to actually build anything with you, or they're not trying to see where this could go. So I think you should see it as a red flag. I think it's worth not being afraid of, but it's worth if someone's in that place, slow them down to the point that they're asking you to slow down to. If they're like, I don't want to hold hands, then that's fine. But let's slow everything down to that point then. I don't want to make out with you don't speed up don't speed up to the to the level that of the other people

you think they're dating because you won't that's not a race that's worth winning it doesn't lead you to where you want to go and it won't suddenly make them go oh my god you're so much better than the other people i'm sleeping with because you slept with me twice as fast. That's not going to help you. You once put it as it's a race to the bottom, which I thought was a very... Euphemistic phrase. Smarty. Stephen, what about this one? Somebody else wrote that what they're afraid of in early dating is getting

too invested too quickly. Probably the most relatable thing I've ever read in my life. Don't we all feel that? What do you think? I think I reframe, you know, it's like if you're in that stage where you're texting someone you like and you end up in the position of waiting by the phone for their next text. I think if that happens, something in your framing of what this person does for you has gone wrong because you don't know this person very well and you're kind of now reliant on them for your validation and something has gone really strange if that's happening. So I try and clear the decks in those moments. And you just got to be like, everything that this person invests or everything they prove to me that they're great is upside. And if they don't, then nothing's changed. Like it's the same as before I met them. It's the same as after I met

them. So if they keep proving to me that they're a great person, I text them, I'm going to be enthusiastic and positive. And if they don't, I'm like, okay, cool. Like nothing lost. I'm still going to keep up all the things that were important to me before I knew this person existed. I'm going to keep being out there, have great have great adventures have a great life and if they're on board for that amazing that's cool but i'm not going to now suddenly change my whole frame of what's important to me and what determines my happiness based on whether this person decides i'm important or not important enough to text back very good anything else to add yeah i think the the i'm afraid i'll get obsessed too quickly is a is a kind of it's almost a way of abdicating responsibility

as if to say the power is outside of me someone can come along and do this to me and I will be out of control at that point. So the way you have to turn, I'm afraid I'll become too obsessed with, you have to change that to, I currently don't feel I can trust myself. And then you have to say, well, why don't I trust myself? What do I do when I decide I like someone? That is counterproductive. That hurts me. That hurts my confidence. That takes over my life. And then start to actually look at those behaviors. Where are they coming from? Why am I doing this? And what can I do differently next time I decide I like someone? And while I'm in the process, what's this like based on? The ways that I've decided I like someone to the point of using that word obsession,

what is that based on? And, and can I, with any real credibility say that these reasons are valid reasons to be obsessed with someone? And, and I think that one of the things that can help people is just to look at it as there's no there's there should be no amount of things a person could do in 24 hours or one week that makes your entire mind up about them. Especially to the point of obsession, which is a kind of not a good word in any context, really. That, you know, obsession doesn't describe healthy love. So obsession shouldn't be the goal. But in the first couple of weeks, there should really be nothing someone could do that would make you make your mind up about how great they'll be as a partner in five years yeah those things can only be revealed with time you can have

the greatest time on earth on vacation with like a friend you just met on vacation and you're just everyone's had that moment where they come back from a vacation and there was just someone they met by the pool and they're just like, well, they were the best. You don't know who that person is in their actual life. You don't know what kind of a friend that person would be. You just know you had fun with them. And that's a very different thing. The importance that someone takes on in your life should be predicated not on how much of a great time did I have with them, which is, by the way, yes, that's a prerequisite that I in business is because you tried something with them. You learned that they were an authentic, sincere person. You learned they had integrity.

You learned when they said they would email you, they did. You learned that when they said they would pay you, they paid you. You learn these things that make you go, oh, that's built credits in the bank in this relationship that make it worth exploring what else we might do together. But you don't just do the biggest deal of your life with someone because they were really charismatic on your first meeting and they really impressed you with how smart they are because you don't really know a lot else about them and you don't know how great of a partner they would be that's how you get scammed by the way that's how scams work is i try to front load all of this trust that is not based on any kind of long-term engagement so that i can get more value from you than i'm ever going to give you. So be careful with that obsession in the

beginning. It's based on something that's a gross overvaluation of early qualities you've seen. I would add to that as well. Don't overvalue them and actually recognize that, you know, the reason you are obsessed with that person is because of what they represent to you in your head, the story you've built around them and the way that you hope that meeting them will somehow save you from a reality that you're existing in whether it's I don't want to be on my own I really want to meet someone I really want a family don't let all of that and all of that hope and all of that desire just fall on the shoulders of somebody who as you say you know, because that gives them way more power than they deserve. Fantastic point. My maxim on this is people overvalue attributes and undervalue behavior. People look at attributes, height, job, looks, charisma,

all the rest, like a top trumps card, and they undervalue everything the person's actually doing i want to add to that because i i think that's great but i almost want to say they overvalue attributes and they also overvalue early behavior or they overvalue behavior that doesn't have to do with them what i want to say to this is don't obsess about the person if you're going to obsess about anything obsess about the relationship you actually have with that person. How they are with you in relation to you. Like, see how ridiculous that is.

Like, if you really have a great relationship with somebody, then like, okay, allow yourself to be like, I'm obsessed with what we built together. I'm obsessed with the chemistry we have even. I'm obsessed with us. But if you're like sitting there just obsessing about the person then that can just be a one-way street yeah so it's literally just an objectification of that person it's not an assessment of the relationship you have with them and so what steve is saying i think is like behaviors but it's like yeah behaviors with you it's like, yeah, behaviors with you, you know, like, like how, what kind of,

what kind of value does, do they actually add to your life? And look, I, I'm, I don't want to say, I, I, I hate saying this in a way because it sounds unromantic and it sounds like I'm sucking all of the life out of anything good in early dating. I'm not, I'm just tempering enthusiasm a little bit because I would say even their behavior in relation to you is something that has to play out over time. And you don't know, just all you have to say to yourself is, I don't know who they'll be in week 52. I only know how they're treating me today or what they say they want today. And that's okay. I don't have to be cynical about it, but I also shouldn't suddenly make these huge bets right now. All I'm really doing is betting another week or another month and seeing what happens there. Instead of deciding that what the value of this

thing will be in a year, which is complete science fiction. And the obsession is often that we're already valuing what this will be in a year or in five years or in 10 years. And we're obsessed with what that could be, but where there's no sense of presence about what it actually is right now so instead of getting carried away you just have to say to yourself see what happens see what happens see how it goes let's see but it's true it's been really fun it's been really fun so far i'm you know excited to see you today let's see what happens yeah it's super common though and i and i think yeah i think, great one to write in and it came up in various different forms, but it's, um, it's, it's a real practice, isn't it? To just sort of develop self-awareness and realize why

am I obsessing? Why am I feeling this way? And is this really worth it? I think it's, it's really relatable. I felt reading it. It's by the way, it's so easy to talk about from the outside and so hard when it's happening to you. And that's the, you know, I don't say any of this just to pretend that it's easy. I say all of this because you need to, if you're in this space, you need to hear this from somebody else who's not drunk.

If you're drunk, you need to hear from something. You don't want another drunk person helping you make the decision. You need a sober person helping you make the decision right now. And I want to make this last point. The thing that helps me the most anytime I'm overvaluing something in my life and it can happen easily in business is you, you get an opportunity and it's something that feels sexy and it feels exciting. And immediately you're like, Oh my God, I really want this thing to happen. You go from, you didn't even get this email until this morning. Like yesterday, it wasn't even a thing that you were thinking about. And now you've got the email and it's on

your radar and you're suddenly confronted with the possibility that this amazing thing is going to happen. And then all of a sudden you find yourself spending all day thinking about it when you didn't know it existed yesterday as an opportunity. I make a practice of reminding myself that this is one of many things that are really great in my life. And by the way, this isn't even one of the great things in my life. This is a possibility. The things that I actually really value, the writing that I'm doing, the team that I have, the podcast that I love doing, the YouTube videos, the following we have, those things are real. That's actually great. This is just possibly great. These other things are actually great. So they're worth 10 times more right now than this thing that feels really exciting. So don't

let something that's not actually great dominate and monopolize your attention away from things in your life that are actually great. I love that. Absolutely love that. I have another one, which is from Elton, and he said that I unintentionally sabotage myself because I'm nervous instead of just being calm and enjoying it well I think that that in part that's answered by what we just said that you have to firstly see the nerves as a symptom the nerves are a symptom of having put this situation this person on a pedestal and and now I'm going to get incredibly nervous because I've told myself that if I don't, it means something really significant. If nothing comes of this, you know, I've either lost someone amazing or I've just come away from it thinking I'm not good because they didn't like me. And so why, if, if this doesn't go well, then I'm going to go away feeling like I'm not worthy and

I'm not good enough. And that this is some kind of stamp on my value in dating. And so we get nervous. If you can actually dilute that idea, like we just said of how great this person is, because they're not, they don't deserve to be put on this crazy pedestal. And at the same time, realize that if this person doesn't want what you have to offer, that isn't a sign of your value. That doesn't have to have some great meaning about what your value or what your potential is in life.

And that there is someone else for whom you will be right. So you don't need to have this feeling of panic of, if this person doesn't like me, it means something greater. No, if this person doesn't like you, that's not your person. Or if this person only likes you because you gave like a perfect 10 landing with the perfect date the perfect line whatever the perfect first two weeks is that really the person you want to be with right like that you always say the right relationship isn't brittle but it's kind of like the right first couple weeks isn't really brittle either yeah not terribly brittle and by the way if you're on a date and you're nervous, understand that that's not uncommon. That people who have zero nerves have, you know, that's not often a desirable position to be in, to have zero nerves.

Sometimes having zero nerves is a reflection of a kind of detachment or numbness. So I don't know that the aspiration is to have absolutely no, you know, call them nerves, call it just as excitement. You can kind of choose different words for it at that level. But the person who's not in any way connected to that feeling is, is to some extent, someone who's not really any way connected to that feeling is is to some extent someone who's not really living it's true i find with any emotion of nerves or anxiety in life you know you're going to do a public talk you're going to do a big pitch you're about to go and pitch your book at an important agency or something and oh my god i hope they're going to like it my reframe often is just curiosity is just looking at it and going this is a fun situation what what

an interesting situation I'm in like I'm going to pitch to this person and they're going to say yes or no what an interesting life experience this is or I'm going to give this speech on stage what an interesting feeling this is that I'm going to give this speech on stage, what an interesting feeling this is that I'm going to have, or an interesting experience. And you can do that with a person as well, of just, if you target to, I'm going to learn something about them, I'm going to learn something about myself, I'm going to practice something that makes me a little uncomfortable. If you can go to a curious place in those moments you actually relax a bit more because it's more about just i'm gonna see how this feels to stand on stage and talk about something to an audience

and that's all it is then you're in a different mindset than oh my god please like me please let this go well very good i have another one which sounds similar but I actually would like you guys to approach this one from a practical standpoint so um somebody wrote in and said that their biggest fear was not making a good first impression and that she always feels inadequate from a how to put your best foot forward in the first few dates and early dating, can you give us some practical thoughts on how to do that? Well, I actually think that the fear of having not made a good first impression or of saying the wrong thing is so intensely human. So, you know, there are people who we would all look up to and say, oh my God, they're so wise. They're so established. They have so much status. And yet they can still be in a room and say something and leave and go, that was really dumb. all capable of doing that at any point. To me, what separates people is there are people who ruminate obsessively over that thing that they said. proactive about looking at it and going okay what would I like to say differently next time or why why am I not why do I not love that I said that and then going you know I I remember I told a story recently and afterwards I just went I don't like that story anymore. I remember thinking it. I told it like a hundred times, but afterwards I just...

What was the story? Tell it one more time. No, it's done. But that was the point. I remember I told that story and I was like, I don't like that story anymore. I don't actually, it doesn't resonate with me. I think it's kind of stupid.

I don't like it the way I come across. And I just retired it. I was just like, oh, that's it. That was the last time I'm ever telling that story. I've outgrown it. And that's, that's useful. When you go home from a date and you know, like, ah, that was, I wouldn't say that again. Don't ignore that. You know, use it because it's useful. That's how our impact improves is by paying attention to those things. Where our impact gets worse is if we obsessively ruminate over those things. That's looking backwards. There's, I say it all the time because I I really I think this is such an elegant phrase that encapsulates so much but there's you can wait or you can create waiting is rumination waiting is

I can't believe I said that oh my god I'm creating is well what how would I say it next time what would I do differently how do I want to show up to that relationship or that person the next time I see them? Or if that person never calls me again, then how is what I did there on that date going to inform every other date I go on for the rest of my life? That, by the way, that's, you should make mistakes pay many, many dividends. Like that, they should be so valuable. When you feel like you said something stupid or when you feel like you did something that you should make, like make that work for you for the rest of your life. Like that mistake is going to be working hard for me. And, and then get ridiculous amounts of value out of it. If I make a public speaking mistake, then I want to earn dividends from that in every speech I do for the rest of my life.

And then I can celebrate that mistake, which I do, by the way, I'd celebrate those things. I'm like, man, okay, maybe that with that particular group, I said that thing and, you know, it's annoying. I'm a bit annoyed that now I've created a bit of an impression with that group or whatever. But that's not the only group in the world. There are so many groups. There are so many new things I'm going to do. The number of people I'm going to meet in my life from this day forward is so much more important than that one

last week. So let me take what just happened in that group and make that work for me in every meeting I ever have. And you can view dating the same way. Don't go into this mindset of, but that was the love of my life on that date and I ruined it. That's ridiculous. You went on a date with a person out of 8 billion. You learn something about yourself on that date, a different way you want to come across next time. And that gave you the gift of how you're going to be on every date for the rest of your life. And if you keep applying that mindset and you keep refining and keep improving, then every new wave of people that know you just find you more and more impressive as a human being. And by the way, you don't even have to write off the people that you've already made a mistake in front of because you'd be surprised at how malleable those impressions are too. That yes, you only get

one chance to make a first impression, but the second impression or the third impression or the fifth impression can be immensely powerful and transform how someone sees you. So you don't even have to write off the old situations. And also on the date, you might be making multiple impressions. So even if you say a couple of things that are silly it doesn't mean that you don't have 30 other chances to redeem yourself in the way that you listen the way that you talk the conversations you bring up the way that you know your chemistry the way that you look at them it's such a complex myriad thing, you know, attraction. And I think that just being stuck on what if I say something silly or what if I do something bad is it's doing a disservice to how complex attraction is and how many chances you are you have at making a good impression. Which is another way of saying create.

You've messed up. Create more because you can out create whatever silly little thing you said. But anxiety, what it does to us, is it has us putting this one thing under a microscope and living there and just watching that thing. And it rids us of the ability to say, I've got a hundred more opportunities on this date to show how awesome I am. So true.

It's such a good point, Audrey, about it. Because it actually relates to unique parents as well. Because I know this is massively individual, but I think every person can probably be a little bit self-aware about this. But on a date, default, growing up, it was just so easy for me to go into sarcastic mode. That was my weapon in social situations. And I found myself like doing that too often and then I just it's just a quick little switch where you're just like oh okay well I've said this funny sarcastic thing

now I need to like default positivity like just try to be positive and you can do that within with one anecdote an hour into the day and then suddenly you have a unique pairing and now you're married so it worked it does work it's a great point it is a great point um so we have another one this woman says this is common amongst women but i worry that my body compared to the bodies of other women they've been with or seen on the media in the media won't hold up that's true whoa how is that not true what do you mean have you seen the bodies on instagram actually no you haven't none of us have that's true that's also true

james only just seen filters that was gonna be my going to be my point. The bodies you see on Instagram aren't how people actually look. Exactly. So none of us, none of us can live up to the bodies that are out there. None of us. It's absurd. So if you understand, it's almost like lose the battle today. Lose the battle today. Get it over with. I'm not saying be down

on yourself. Be like, do the best you can with what you have, because why wouldn't you? It's ridiculous not to. You may as well do the best you can. But once you've done that, understand that you already lost that battle. It's lost already. You just need to focus on the fact that that's not what wins relationships. It's not a battle that by winning, you've figured out love. If that were true, every person that had ever come to me for coaching who had an incredible body would have found love already because they win. But that's not how it works.

How many personal trainers are there online with the ultimate body and they're single and they're struggling to find love? It's not, you don't get love by ticking that box. And you don't not get love if you don't tick that box. So attraction is this really wonderfully forgiving thing that it takes so many forms and so many tastes and so many things are offset by confidence and so many things are offset by confidence and so many things are offset by kindness or by a sense of fun or by the fact that you own whatever it is you have that you know that's a that's a lesson that we can all learn and should all learn by the way because I don't care

you may be listening to this right now and you do have the top 1% of bodies out there, but what are you going to do when you get injured and you can't do that? Or what are you going to do when someone walks into the room and is eyeing up your boyfriend and they have the same body as you. Like, are you now, are you now under threat? Are you now vulnerable? You can't, that cannot be your life. There have to be things that you do because you're excited to do them. Like you want to get fit and healthy and look great because you're excited to do it. But you are not thinking that your love life rests on your ability to do that because it absolutely doesn't having it won't automatically get you love and not having it doesn't disqualify you from love i have a question that i've always wondered

about now i'm in a room three men can answer my question. Four, Jeremy's here. It's true. Hey, Jeremy. Jeremy, somehow get a shot of yourself. We hear a lot as women. I think it's women tell each other this, but I think it's kind of true. But I've always wondered how true it actually was. We say to each other, honestly, by the time you know you are naked with a man,

they're not eyeing up and scrutinizing everything that's wrong with you. They're just, if you're doing it right and you've got good chemistry and you're into it together, they're just excited to be here. They're not actually thinking about the other person they slept with who had a better body or thinking about somebody they've seen they just are happy to be here in that moment is that true or is that something that we tell ourselves to feel better it's not entirely true god damn it i look i think that i think that anyone sorry everyone out there who thought it was true like me well anyone is capable of being excited or disappointed by what they see when someone doesn't have their clothes on anyone it's true of women too why do men walk around like feeling like they haven't

got a big enough penis they're worried about what how what's going to be the judgment when i take my And we're aware that people can be disappointed by what they see. based on that is wrong because there will be plenty of people that you will encounter in your life who have who are in a place in their life their maturity the way they see the world the way they see people that means it's not resting on that for them there are plenty of people out there who have their own taste so assuming that what you have is a thing that everyone doesn't want universally is also wrong because people have different tastes. People like different body types. And also assuming that you have no power over the situation is wrong. That you're just a kind of naked person standing there subject to whatever this person's judgment is. It's not like that. You have a massive amount of influence over the way that person sees you by the way that you handle those things yourself. If the first thing you do is point to, you know, I think I've said this in

some form before, but if, if Jameson showed me a video he made and just as I was about to watch it, he said, by the way, sorry about minute two, it kind of sucks, but enjoy the video. I now can't enjoy the video on its own for what it could have been because I'm I'm just obsessed with well hang on what's this minute two thing and I'm looking for why minute two is not great and even if it wasn't not great even if it wasn't great I'm looking for why it's not great and I'll probably find a reason. I'll find something. I'll be like, yeah, you're right. It was kind of slow in minute two. And I wouldn't have even known that. I wouldn't have even thought of that. So drawing attention to it at a time when that person is still making up their own mind is really unproductive. And more than that,

it's counterproductive. And it's telling someone what to think. And that's a big mistake people make in attraction is they say, I don't like this part of me. So now I'm going to tell you what to think about it as well. They get to decide that. So one level, it's like one level of mastery is I'm not going to make your mind up for you. I'm going to let you have your own opinion. That's one level. That's one level above what most people do, which is they point out the things they don't like so that they can reject themselves before the other person rejects them. But then there's a level of mastery on top of that,

which is realizing that you don't just have to not influence in a bad way. You can actually lead in a bad way, you can actually lead in a good way. So if you actually own what you have, if you decide that it's sexy, or if you decide that you're great and you own that with such comfort, and I'm not saying everyone can get here immediately

because this process takes time for people to reach this point with themselves. But if you can get to that point with yourself, then you're now giving, you're not just not giving a negative cue, you're actually giving a positive cue. You're telling someone what to think about this thing in a positive way. And people are very suggestible. People want to be led. When we go into a store and we go, should I get this one or this one? And we're not sure, right? We don't know what jacket to choose. And the store owner says, this one looks great on you. We're influenced by that. If they say, well, this color's really in season. Or they say, well, this one, by the way, this is my last one because five people came in and bought this one this week. We're influenced by that. We're not just going in going, no, I have my objective truth about

these jackets. No, we're going in and we're influenced. So think about that in terms of attraction. We can influence other people with our level of certainty. People can come in and go, I want that jacket. Not because objectively that jacket is so attractive, but because we go, well, this person who's selling this jacket, they really believe in this jacket. They really know that this is the best one. And so, okay, I'm willing to trust that. You've convinced me. Like Ed Milet, when he was on our Love Life Club membership,

he said, sales isn't I need to get you to believe in what I'm selling. Sales is I need to get you to believe that I believe in what I'm selling. And so that's, to me, mastery when you're naked. I can't believe how great of an answer that is. And to answer your question even more, Audrey, I just think we were making fun of Instagram filters earlier, but I do think there's something sort of, like if you look at the song lyrics,

I'm thinking of Craig David, I think he has something like of uh like if you look at the song lyrics i'm thinking of craig david i think he has something like beautiful angel materialized guys i think have this sort of perfection idea in their mind but it is so there's so much leeway in that perfection they really want you to just be that character in their sexual fantasy of that moment and they want to buy into that fantasy so if you kind of believe it if you kind of own it in that moment just believe you're the beautiful angel materialized and the guy will believe it too where did i hear i hope that i'm saying this right but i heard somewhere this idea that helen of troy um who you is, I'm saying this right, it was Helen of Troy that had the beauty that could sink a thousand ships or launch a thousand ships. That's right.

I feel like I heard somewhere of this idea that she wasn't described or that the way she looked wasn't described. I don't know if this is factually true but i remember hearing this and it stuck with me that she wasn't described because it allowed people to make her whatever they wanted her to be it didn't there wasn't this i you know you're telling me it's this well that may not be what that level of beauty is to me. Um, whether that's true about the way that, uh, Greek myth was told, um, or whether it's just a telling of it. I think that there's something to learn from that in respect to what you're saying, Jameson. 100%. Yeah. And, uh, I think the ownership part of it and the sort of

indulging that part of it and just, I have some fun. I have some fun with it. The part of what you're saying about like, once you get to the bedroom, then it doesn't matter. There's truth to that because that story does get bought into by guys as long as you believe it do you know who i want to have on the podcast um uh is page our friend page because i was speaking with jesse for those of you that don't know jesse um pepe is our resident yoga and mindfulness instructor on our virtual retreats. And his wife, Paige, has a birthmark that covers almost 50% of her face on one side. And she has an Instagram channel that I just followed this today. I'll tell you what it is.

It's flawless underscore effect. And her name is Paige Lauren Billiott. And she does a lot of work promoting and talking about what birthmarks can do to people's confidence and how to embrace them. And it's such a, it's such a cool thing because she's lived it. She's been through that. She's lived it. She's had something that is not somewhere on her body that she's going to wear clothing it's her face is always naked and people have been seeing that forever with her and she's had to embrace that side of her and the beauty in it and she has done in a way that's really profound and impactful and we all know Paige and she's this wonderful person to be around

and has this incredible confidence about her when you meet her. And she's beautiful. So I think that it would be fun. We should get her on the podcast to talk about this because I think she'd have a lot to say about it. For sure, for sure. I also want to make one last point on this, which is, and I think it's been made over and over,

but I do think that it's important for us to not put all of our confidence on how we look. I think societally there's a lot of that going on, which is like, if you're not attractive, if you're not thin, if you're not this, if you're not that, then you're not worthy of love and nobody's going to want you. actually most people in relationships they don't end up you know men and women we don't end up with the most beautiful person we've been with we end up with the person that makes us feel the most that makes us the happiest that we have the most chemistry with that we have the most you know in common with connection with if it was just the most gorgeous person we'd ever met we wouldn't be happy because that person isn't

necessarily going to be the person who's most suitable for us so and a lot of people who marry the most gorgeous person they've ever met get in a lot of trouble that way of course and look you know sometimes you're lucky and that that is the both it goes both ways but i think for the most part that doesn't tend to be the recipe for happiness and any evolved person will see that so even if you are going to bed with someone and they have been with people who have better bodies than you so what be better in all these other areas that make it that they can't actually ignore you and it doesn't matter. And also, I want to make this point because I think it's important and I don't think it gets mentioned enough.

Personal pride goes a long way in making us feel better around other people. And personal pride comes from us feeling like we're doing the things that make the most of what we have. I'm not saying obsessing about your looks, but if you know that you're doing things that make you feel good, if you know that you're doing things that make you feel good, if you know that you're going to the gym or you're eating well or you're doing things that take care of you, that creates a level of self-esteem. It makes you feel like, well, I'm proud of me. I'm proud of me that I have been working out.

I'm proud of me that I've been playing a sport or that I've been eating well and taking care of myself. I'm proud of me for that. So I don't care if you're not. I don't care if that's not good enough for you. That's okay. But I'm super proud of what I've done with what I have and I think that's really really powerful and sometimes I think we have to be honest with ourselves

about whether our what we feel as embarrassment or what we feel as shame or what we feel as unworthiness is not so much a reflection of us being objectively unattractive, but of the areas of life that we deep down feel we are neglecting. That our confidence would improve if we stopped neglecting them, not because we'd suddenly look a hundred times better, but because we now feel proud of ourselves. Absolutely love that. So this one's from Kate and she said, what she fears is that the person she's dating is being impulsive with his feelings

and that the initial high and chemistry that he exhibits is going to change. It's also kind of reminiscent of love bombing a little bit, which is very much you're getting used to that feeling of feeling adored and getting messages and being chased and being, you know, liked. And then suddenly that person kind of sobers up and realizes they just got away with themselves and got a bit too excited and then you're kind of collateral damage to that shift in energy so how do you help someone who is worried about that i look it's a really good question because people like that are very disorienting and they you know you get built up to this level that the

when that person suddenly takes their attention away from you it feels like this really dramatic change like the talented mr ripley when she's like when dickie's attention is on you it's like the sun is shining and then suddenly it gets very cold or whatever. Yeah. He moves on. Yeah. He moves on. You're no longer his favorite toy. And, and that, that is a, that's a, it's a disconcerting thought. You know, how much of what someone is showing me is real. I think that you're, it's almost worth saying that what, if that person is really giving you extraordinary amounts of attention right now and you know there it does have that sort of slightly love-bombing quality or a bit even

more positively it has just this feeling of giddiness about it that that's going to change no matter what, even if it changes to a much more stable and healthy form of attention and love, it will change. The question is, will it change to nothing or will it change to healthy love? And you just don't know that yet. So if someone is, you know, always pay attention, is the level of energy they're giving me organic? Does it feel like a projection because this person couldn't possibly know enough about me yet to like me this much? Does it feel warranted based on how much I'm giving them? You know, is it a conversation or is it a one way street in terms of what they're giving? Cause love bombing is usually a kind of one way conversation that you get dragged into, not a dialogue where the two of you are both kind of actually excited together.

What happens if you slow them down a little bit? You say, I'm so excited. I'm really excited to see you, but I also want to make sure that this is sustainable. And it's, you know, we go at a pace that's reasonable. What happens if you do that? You know, these are all, we can do a whole other episode on love bombing and we have in the past, but ultimately recognize that this level of attention will change. So instead of fearing that it will change, understand that it will change. Your job is just to see if this matures or if it dies. I think matures is a super important word there. And I would just say, for me, this whole impulsive thing is, I don't want to say a red flag, but definitely an amber light, just because anyone in life that really is dangerous usually lacks impulse control. And I just think it's

kind of something to keep an eye on. And as you get older, I just think it's becomes a less attractive trait and something, someone that is more mature just doesn't have that issue. In everything, in every type part of life, i would argue i i think in the same way with friends it's uh you you i i trust people in my life who come into my life in in organic ways at an organic pace the person the new friend who suddenly wants to monopolize all of my time and energy and is like giddy with excitement and celebrating me in every way i'm like yeah i think that's something that doesn't feel right about this and and so i think you can apply it to to absolutely everything and i love that idea jameson that impulsive people

they they tend to be the dangerous ones the dangerous people have bad impulsive control is it what did you say yeah the dangerous people in life impulsive control, is it? What did you say? Yeah. The dangerous people in life tend to have bad impulse control. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. It's great. Well, thank you everyone out there. We want to encourage all of you. If you haven't already go sign up to dating with results, that session is happening with me live on the 15th of February. It's going to be 90 minutes, literally working with you on your love life, giving you practical tools to help you find the love you deserve this year. If you go to datingwithresults.com, you can register for this session. It's completely free. All you need to do

is type in your email address. I will send you an email with all of the details so that you know how to show up, what link to use. But we're going to be doing 90 minutes of training that I promise you, if finding love is important to you this year, if this is something that's high up the agenda for you at this stage in your life, this is 90 of the most important minutes you will spend this year. So I'll see you there. Datingwithresults.com is the link. Go sign up now before you forget. And I'll see you on the 15th. Outro Music