Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 204: The Allure Of The “Alpha Male”

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

Today, Matt answers a question from a listener who feels she is independent, successful, and ambitious, but is only meeting guys who fit a more "beta" male stereotype (who take the backseat in a relationship), rather than the driven "alpha" guys she would like to meet.  Matt talks about some practical strategies to meet the right kind of person for you, and how to think about the qualities that you value and seek out in a relationship.   ---  Do You Have a Question About Your Love Life? Join Love.Life and send it to me at. . . AskMH.com

You may not want these beta guys who are caretakers and take the backseat, but you may be comfortable with those guys. What's up everybody? I'm here on my own today on the Love Life podcast. I'm going to be answering one of your questions that have been sent in to podcast at matthewhussey.com. Before I do, I wanted to make sure you know that there is a place on my website where you can go and answer a multiple choice questionnaire that asks you what your greatest love life challenge is right now. And then it will give you, based on your answer, the best solution from everything I've created for what you're going through right now. Go to yourdatingsolution.com to take that multiple choice questionnaire now, and I will see you over there. That link again is yourdatingsolution.com.

All right. This question is from B. She says, Hello, Matthew. I recently started listening to your podcast. And can I just say you and the crew are relatable, refreshing and encouraging. So thank you. I do have a question for you if you don't mind answering. I'm from the San Francisco Bay Area, and I'm what some have called an alpha woman. I am independent, graduated from a great university, started a career, and became a homeowner at a young age. I'm seeking a partner who is also driven, motivated, ambitious, and kind. I have noticed that I tend to attract gentlemen who ask me out who are beta. Apologies, I do not mean to say this in a derogatory way. But men who do tend to look for caretakers, take the backseat in a relationship,

and might even try to take advantage of my giving heart and financial ambition. I am not attracted to men like this. Any tips to attract a man who I'd consider an equal in kindness, drive, and ambition? Think power couple. Is it truly just a numbers game or is there something I'm missing? Also, for the record, while I am independent, I'm also very feminine, kind, and generally fun to be around. Don't want any of the comments above to be misconstrued as stodgy. And that is from B. Well, thank you for the question B and the vulnerability in asking it. This is the kind of question that makes me want to ask you five more

questions to try to get a little more precise with my answer and understanding what might be going wrong. Look, let's just start from the place of saying dating is always to some extent a numbers game. And the answer to many things can be have some patience because over time if you're proactive life will put people in front of you who could be right for you so there is that element of it's a numbers game you sound from what you've said and you said you graduated from a great university became a homeowner at a young age i'm guessing you're in your 20s. I don't know that for sure, but it sounds like that from the way you're saying it. There's time and it will be a numbers game in the sense that I think that at that age, you're still trying to figure out who your people are,

the circles that you want to be around, the places you like hanging out, your peer group is evolving. It's going to change a lot. So at that age, it's natural for you to feel a sense of, I don't feel a lot of connection to the people I'm around. And by the way, I'm not even just saying that about romantic partners. It can also be true of friends in general. You know, a lot of the friends that you end up being friends with in your thirties or your forties can end up being quite different from the people that you're friends with in your twenties because your life evolves, but your peer group hasn't necessarily evolved with it yet. And so you will end up meeting interesting people. And I think that

it's important to note that those interesting people that you meet may be people who are driven, are ambitious, are motivated. They're doing really interesting things with their life. They're on their own mission. It sounds like what you want is someone who's on their own mission, someone who's got their own thing going on. They're not relying on yours. There's a kind of self-perpetuating passion that they have of their own thing going on. It's not, they're not relying on yours. There's a kind of self perpetuating passion that they have of their own that's driving them forward. Uh, which by the way, I wouldn't even say is synonymous with having money. Uh, you could find someone who's passionate and does it and is very driven and has a sense of purpose and they don't earn much money, but they

also don't spend a lot of money. They don't want a lot. You know, they're fine doing what they're doing. They're living on purpose for themselves. So if that's the case, you almost have to further break down, well, am I looking just for someone who doesn't rely on me for a sense of passion and purpose?

And if I found someone who had those things, who had that ambition, who had motivation, who was driven driven do they have to have money okay it's different if they're trying to take advantage of the money i have but if they're not if they're not trying to get that out of the relationship can i live with someone who's not on the same financial status as me but is this awesome driven human being who's really tapped into their sense of purpose i think that's an important distinction to make so that you know what it is you're really asking for but once you start to meet more people like that you meet more people like that. You know, you only have to meet one person who's driven, one person who's ambitious or who's got some really interesting stuff going on. And if you

make friends with that person, that can introduce you to a whole network of people who are like that. So one of the, I suppose, practical pieces of advice I would give you is when you find yourself at a party, an event, and you meet someone who maybe they're not right for you, maybe they're not even the right gender for you, it doesn't matter. If you meet someone who's of that kind of type of person, make friends with that person, hang out with that person more. Get to know the people that person knows because they will likely know other people like them. And when you start to get invited to the places they go, they may be only one of their kind at a certain event you're at. But if you get tapped into who they know, now you're into a whole group of people

who are the kinds of people that you would like to meet. So finding new communities, fresh ones, not the ones you're in already, not the ones where they keep delivering the kinds of people that you don't want, but instead tapping into communities of people that are doing the kinds of interesting things that you want to be around that would be a good starting point and that means you being proactive not just reactive and waiting for the right person to walk into a room you're already in but be proactive ask yourself where would people like that be where could i go and involve myself with a different group of people, a group of people that frankly won't find me that impressive because they're all doing really, really cool

things with their life. Seek out groups like that. Go to, you know, it could be a course that you sign up to where the people that would be interested in a course like that are people who are like you or it could be self-development and you do you do you get more into live events in self-development where you could meet other people who are growth minded that could be a really interesting place for you to be but put yourself in those places proactively and don't don't judge them too quickly the patience is really important with this i've got people in my life today that it took me 15 years to meet and now i'm you know connected with some really like interesting and extraordinary individuals doing interesting things all different walks of life but people i'm really grateful for in my life now. And those things happened gradually by accretion. They didn't,

you know, it was like I knew someone for eight years and then all of a sudden I went, I formed a deeper relationship with that person. And then they introduced me to a whole new group of people like them. And that was really cool. That takes time that, you know, this idea of, there's this kind of, uh, ugly idea of networking that is, you know, this idea of just, you're like this very short term is transactional meet who you can get invited to the right parties and so on. I don't, I don't like that me, that reads as really inauthentic and tactical. And also I think that people who are successful and have the right values can usually smell that kind of behavior a mile off. So I'm more into actually building relationships

with people, actually getting to know people from the kinds of walks of life that you want to be around and being curious to, you know, add to that person's life or learn more about that person. That's what's going to organically bring you into more new communities. So I think there's a community element that you'll benefit from, especially if you're young, because those things take time. There's also, I think it's worth pointing out that you say, I'm seeking a partner who is driven, motivated, ambitious, and kind. Right there, that's already a rare bird. There's not, you know, that of the people who you started with three different adjectives driven motivated ambitious those three things are not necessarily synonymous with kindness they can be or they i

should say they can come packaged with kindness as well but that's not automatic and a lot of people with those qualities will be the kinds of people that, you know, either use people or are quite ruthless. They may not be interested in what you have to offer because they're not really seeing your personality. They're seeing what you have to offer in a more material sense or an opportunity or opportunistic sense. So you almost have to start by recognizing B that you are looking for something that's somewhat rare. Someone who's kind and big hearted at the same time as being driven, motivated and ambitious. A lot of kind, big hearted people don't spend as much of their lives trying to take over the world. It's not like that's not their thing.

They love their family. They love their friendships. They invest a lot of time in the people in their lives. They're not trying to get more, more, more, more, more all the time. And so they can be different. They're impressive in a completely different way, but they're not, they're not trying to do that. And a lot of the people you meet who will have achieved the most, the kind of power couple thing that you're talking about is like the two of you

together will look, you know, like this power team because of what you've both achieved and how driven you are. But a lot of people who are like that don't make great partners. And, you know, if you think Dr. Ramani would validate this, the expert on narcissism, that there's a reason that narcissists, in fact, she has told me this, there is a reason narcissists often go very far. It's because they're more ruthless than other people. They're willing to be more cutthroat. They're able to do things without that same level of guilt or concern or empathy for other people and how it might affect them. They're able to use people more easily and dispose of people more easily. So that's not me saying don't go for someone who's

driven, motivated and ambitious. It's me saying, recognize that what you're asking for is rarer because you also have thrown kind in the mix. So that's kind of me saying, be patient with that too. And by the way, don't overvalue anyone who comes along who is driven, motivated and ambitious, but isn't kind. Because that's where you'll get yourself into a lot of trouble. You'll say, oh, I have this power couple thing going on now, but you'll also have someone who treats you horribly. So don't settle for someone who has the first three, but doesn't have the kind part. I also want to say that it feels a little bit, and I'm going out on a limb and saying this, but it feels a little bit like you're playing it safe. There is this, you know, you said, I have noticed I tend to attract gentlemen who ask me out who are beta. So that already implies a little bit of a hang back and wait kind of thing. Like I'm not going to be proactive in going and asking someone out or trying to make something happen with someone that I'm attracted to. I'm going to hang back and see who's attracted to me. And then you're not happy with who's coming over to you. So that to me, almost, you know, sometimes I hear I, over the years, I've been doing this for 15 years now,

over the years, I've dealt with a lot of people who feel like they're always attracting the wrong people. But what I later find is that those are the people they feel comfortable with. So they don't want to stick their neck out to talk to someone or try to attract someone who's more challenging or maybe doesn't need them as much or, you know, is more independent because that feels vulnerable that, you know, it's like that person could reject me. You know, this person who's driven, motivated, ambitious, and kind, that person has options and that person can reject you. And it's scary being around people that we feel like it's not in the bag. It's not, they don't need us for, to be their caretaker. They don't need us to be in the driver's seat. They don't need us for our financial status. When we're around someone who doesn't need all of the things that we have kind of come to use as our significance, that's scary. You know, you start by saying you're independent, graduated from a great university, started a career and became a homeowner at a young age.

You saying those things early on in your email suggests to me that that's where you see a decent amount of your value. And when we see something as our value, we often like to find people who that value can create some kind of power with. Where does that give us power? Power may sound like too evil a word, but where does it give me leverage? And those things, your great university, your career, your being a homeowner, it gives you a decent amount of leverage

with people who need those things. Someone who wants you to be a caretaker, someone who wants to take advantage of your financial position, someone who's looking for someone to look after them. Those things are going to be leveraged to them because that's what they feel they need. But somebody else who comes along and sees those things in you, if you're wearing those up front as your badges of honor, that's not going to attract them because that's not what they need. They don't need to have those. There's no benefit to them other than being with someone that they see as, oh, this is a person who's also doing interesting things. We have some shared values, but achievement isn't shared values. The shared values are the drive,

the motivation, the ambition, which goes back to my first point is be careful about asking for things that you have to make a distinction between the material and the values that you're looking for. Because someone cannot have arrived yet, especially if I'm right and you are in your twenties, there's going to be a lot of guys that are going to come up in their thirties and that's when they're going to find their feet. That's when they're going to figure life out in a bigger way and maybe have a little success or be in a better position financially that aren't there in their 20s. So if you're someone who's ahead of the curve in their 20s, you are naturally going to find that unless you go and embed yourself in certain communities where you find people who are ahead of the curve like you, which by definition is going to be small

pools of people, you're going to find that there's going to be many more people who haven't arrived in that place yet. But it doesn't mean that they don't have some of the same values. It doesn't mean that they're beta. It doesn't mean that they're not driven or motivated or ambitious. There are people who are driven, motivated, and ambitious in their 30s. And they haven't got the material rewards for that, but they are those things. So it is really important to make that distinction between what you want. But in terms of my playing at safe point, you may be getting stuck with people that you don't want, but you're comfortable with. You may not want these beta guys who are caretakers and take the back seat, but you may be comfortable with those guys those guys might make you feel safe you don't have to be vulnerable with those guys because

those guys are not going to reject you but someone who has these things you say you're looking for they could reject you and i want you to be honest with yourself and say, how much am I going over to making conversation with the kinds of people in the room who could reject me? Who could decide that I'm not offering enough? How much am I doing that in my life? Am I even in the rooms where people like that are? Because I can say from experience, you can feel like a big shot in life until you're in certain rooms. And, and, and that doesn't, I'm not just talking about achievement here. I'm talking about intelligence. I'm talking about people with real wisdom or experience.

We can feel like we're so, if we feel we're so smart and we're like really enamored with how smart we are, we're probably not in rooms with people who are that smart. Because there's definitely rooms you can go into where you just realize, Oh my God, I am a Neanderthal. Like this is extraordinary what these people know or how sharp these people are. Like this is not, I'm, I no longer feel like my level of intelligence is impressive. There are rooms you can go into like that. So anytime someone says to me, I'm just always around people I'm not impressed by, I almost want to politely and warmly and compassionately suspect them and say, why is that? Because there are definitely rooms

where you will not feel impressive. There are definitely rooms where people are doing more than you, have achieved a thousand times more than you, are much brighter than you, have much more experience than you, need you a lot less than you need them. You know, like that, there are rooms like that. I'm not suggesting that you should spend your life in rooms like that, but if we're always finding that we're around people or being asked out by people who we're not that impressed by, then something might be going on with us that we're continuing to put ourselves around these safe people while complaining that we're not around the kinds of people that would

light us up. But deep down, we're terrified of being rejected by. And the last thing that I'll say on all of this is I believe you when you say that you're very feminine, kind, fun to be around. But I think that it's important that you lead with those things. Semantics, when you look at semantics in sentences, it's about the order of the words. And the order of the words can completely change the meaning of a sentence. Well, semantics can be applied to attraction too. What are the semantics of what you're leading with versus what someone gets to know about you as they get to know you more. Because those semantics will have a major effect on what you attract or whether you attract people

or whether you attract the right people. There's semantics at play when a guy who's made a ton of money. I rocked up to a doctor's office recently, and this was in L.A. And for those of you that aren't aware of what L.A. can be like, there's a lot of doctors and dentists with pictures on the wall of famous people that have come to their surgeries or have come to their, you know, get their teeth done because that's like a status play in LA. And I remember going to this doctor and this doctor had a video playing in the lobby of them driving fancy cars and being, you know, just in these expensive suits. And the whole thing was like a, a beauty campaign and a look how much money I make campaign for this doctor. And what's funny about it is I immediately thought, I don't know that I'm going to resonate with this doctor. I immediately thought this

is so materialist. I'm in this place about something health-wise, and yet this is so materialistic that I just don't know that I'm going to vibe with this person. And I had this immediate feeling upon showing up that I wanted to leave. Now, this doctor, by the way, was immensely qualified. So it's not like this doctor couldn't do the job that I was there for. But something about what this doctor was leading with made me want to run for the hills, not the actual hills in LA, because that would be the wrong place to run to if I was trying to get away from all of that. But it immediately, it turned me off. The irony is when I met this doctor, he was lovely.

I got on well with him. He was like a nice guy, very clued up, very informative. But I almost left because this is what this person led with. And I thought, you know what, this isn't, these aren't my values. So that's to me is a semantic problem. They're not leading with how astute they are or how much they care about the customer. They're leading with, look how much money I've made as a doctor. In attraction, there are many different examples of that. One of the examples is when we lead with how many different impressive things there are about us. Let me lead with how much I've achieved. Let me lead with how high status I am. Let me lead with the fact that I'm a homeowner or that I graduated from a great university,

that I have a high-flying career. Let me lead with these things. And then we create a semantic problem because you're saying, I'm also very feminine, kind kind and fun to be around but and I'm not I don't know you so I don't know to what extent this is happening but I could imagine a world where people are seeing up front these things that aren't those what they're seeing is all of these ways that you're sort of outwardly impressive, but not the femininity, the kindness that you're generally fun. You said people that know you describe you as alpha. That tells me

something about what you're putting forward. So if we reverse the semantics and said, okay, I'm going to be feminine and kind and fun to be around. That's my first priority when I meet someone. And I'm going to let my success sneak up on them. I even, there are people in my life who are way smarter than me. And I feel really smart when I talk to them because they're not leading with their smarts. They're leading with their curiosity and their interest in me. And they're smarter than me, but they make me feel smart because they don't lead with how smart they are. They wear their own intelligence lightly, but they're excited about hearing what I have to say.

That is, to me, that's a different level of mastery than just being intelligent. It's semantics. Have you weaponized these things that you think make you impressive and that's what you lead with? And does that need to be moved to later so that that stuff sneaks up on people and your deeper values, your personality, the things that make you really pleasant to be

around, those are the things that announce themselves loudly when someone meets you. And by the way, this isn't something that I would be saying to a woman and not a man. This to me is a non-gendered point. I'd be saying this to anybody who came to me. I think it's part of what makes us likable in life. So let me know what you think, Bea. I'm really curious to see, I'd love to read a follow-up from you if you get a chance to hear this podcast. Thank you for emailing in your question. And for anyone who really enjoys this style of coaching, and this is really, you know, I'm getting to just kind of have fun talking about one question here, but where I do my real coaching is in my Love Life Club. For anyone who is interested in that, we have a

14-day free trial to an exclusive club of people that I coach every month as my inner circle. It's called the Love Life Club. You can go to askmh.com to be a part of that. And there, I'm not answering one question. I am taking my members and coaching them, bringing them on live, answering their questions that they've written in. We do many questions a month. My brother also answers a whole bunch of questions. There's also a community element. You get to know other people who are on the journey with you and support you and you can support them. And that's a global community. And it's the most access that you get to me and my team anywhere. So if you want to graduate from the podcast to the membership, come join us in the Love Life Club by going to askmh.com. And like I

said, you get a 14 day free trial to that membership when you go there today. Go check it out and I'll see you in the next episode of Love Life. Bye.