Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 207: Finding Your Greatness In Love And Relationships (with Lewis Howes)

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

This week, our special guest is New York Times Bestseller, entrepreneur, and host of the "School of Greatness" podcast, Lewis Howes! Lewis joins Matt for an in-depth discussion about all things love and relationships. In this episode we cover: - What makes men decide to commit long-term and stop chasing - Why just finding the right person "on paper" isn't enough - How to find your mission (and why it matters) - How to turn fears and insecurity into confidence - Questions to ask early on in dating - The importance of FREEDOM, PEACE, and CLARITY in your relationships and healing your pain - ... And MUCH more! --- You can order Lewis's new book "The Greatness Mindset" here. Get your copy today!

Welcome welcome back everybody to the love life podcast with me matthew hussey and today a very special guest he is none other than my dear friend lewis howes from the School of Greatness podcast. It is one of the top 100 podcasts in the entire world on iTunes. He is an incredibly wise man and today we have the kind of conversation that him and I normally only have behind closed doors. Lewis gets incredibly honest and vulnerable about his own love life, about the relationship and the love that he has found and what led him to commit to that love. We talk about the male mind. We talk about why men struggle to commit and what makes them commit. And Lewis, frankly, gets a lot more personal than I ever thought he would in this conversation. I think you're really going to love it. This was a private conversation that

I did live for all of my Love Life Club members. We also did a private Q&A where our Love Life Club members got to ask Lewis their questions. That will remain inside the Love Life Club members got to ask Lewis their questions. That will remain inside the Love Life Club membership app, but we are bringing you the conversation that Lewis and I had here on the podcast. If you do want to see the entire session that I did with Lewis and the Q&A, which had some really valuable, valuable tools and advice for your love life. I'll give you a chance to access that at the end of the conversation. But for now, just enjoy this candid conversation about dating, love and men with Lewis Howes. Welcome, everybody, to this members session for the Love Life Club. I am here with an incredibly special guest today.

His name is Lewis Howes. He is a New York Times bestselling author of The School of Greatness, former professional football player, two-sport All-American, current U.S. Olympic team handball athlete. His podcast, The School of Greatness, which I know so many of you will have heard of, is in the top 100 in the world on iTunes. He's been recognized by President Obama and the White House as one of the top 100 entrepreneurs in the world under 30. He's a contributing writer to Entrepreneur and has been featured on Ellen, The Today Show, The New York Times, People, Forbes, Fast Company,

ESPN, Sports Illustrated, Men's Health. And you can find everything he does on greatness.com and lewishouse.com. He's also one of my best friends in the whole world. My man. I love you, man. Love you too, man. It's so good to have you here in the whole world. My man. I love you, man. Love you too, man.

It's so good to have you here. Good to see you, brother. I've been so excited to do this one. I'm excited, man. We've got so much to talk about. You have a new book out, The Greatness Mindset, which I'm excited to dig into today. I wanted to start with a question. You don't know anything I'm going to ask you today. So I thought this would be fun because we can take the title of your book, The Greatness Mindset, and apply it

through the lens of love. Yes. But starting with a question that's going to be very relevant, I think, to a lot of people who watch our stuff and are members of our club. You have spent an enormous amount of time around successful men of one kind or another, different ages, different backgrounds, but achievers, many of them have a lot of options. They are very conscious about making the best decisions and optimizing their lives and doing all these things. What do you see as the number one reason those guys end up committing? Well, the guys that end up committing in a conscious way, I think the reason they do it is because they know with focused energy is going to create more abundance in their life, more results in their mission. So the men with a meaningful mission, I believe, know they need

a support, someone that brings them peace, someone that fully accepts them, someone that elevates them towards their mission. I think one of the most dangerous things is a man without a clear mission, is a wandering man, a man with no direction. Because then we're easily susceptible to latching onto things that other people are doing that maybe aren't the right things for us. But a man with a clear, meaningful mission, meaning has a purpose, is a drive, is a creator, wants to do something in the world, but also wants to impact people around them, I feel like he needs a safe space to be fully accepted for when he goes after crazy stuff and when

he makes mistakes. And I think having that safe space, that peace and harmony is priceless. We can't buy peace. I've been in relationships. I'm sure, I don't know if you talk about this, but I've been in relationships where I tried to buy peace in the relationship. Someone was mad at me. Okay, we'll do what you want to do. I'll buy this. Someone wanted me to buy them something or they were going to be angry at me. Okay, we'll do what you want to do. I'll buy this. Someone wanted me to buy them something or they were going to be angry at me, okay, I'm going to buy it for you. You buy peace for a moment, but then there's always more stress. You can't buy the peace and you can't buy that in a relationship.

You have to be it yourself and attract and partner with someone who also has that type of peace. It doesn't mean it's not going to be perfect and it's not going to be chaotic moments, but I think a man really wants a driven man, a man who is in his creative, a man who is driven for a greater purpose, wants peace at home. So I have a couple of things to ask about that

because there's, as you say, right, there's, and I remember someone saying to me years ago, back when I was like in a very much a single time in my life, he was like, Matt, the, you know, results show people who are in committed healthy relationships, the men that are in committed healthy relationships, they go further. They do. Even if you're ambitious and you want to achieve and you want to get ahead, the people who are in committed relationships actually go farther. I think they're healthier.

They live longer. Right. They feel a greater sense of meaning. So what do you think, because a lot of guys who are achievers, they actually struggle to commit. They live in constant doubt or confusion or worrying if they're making the right choice. Could I do better? Should I try and get like, this person doesn't have this thing maybe, but yeah, I like that they have this thing, but they don't have this thing. So could I find someone who has both? And then they find someone

who has both, but they still don't have that. Could I find someone who has all and then they find someone who has both but they still don't have that could i find someone who has all three it's you know that optimization can be the enemy of actually choosing yes so what do you think happens in a guy's mind when he stops obsessively trying to optimize and starts being able to accept someone's imperfections and lean into a person instead of constantly playing the game of, could I do better? Well, I speak for experience. I was always in the chase mode for a long time in my 20s, where the chase was the thrill, but then once you got into the day-to-day and you realize, oh, do I actually want to be with this person?

Or are we in alignment of our values, our vision, our lifestyle? Do we want the same things? Or the 10,000 meal test. Do I actually want to spend 10,000 meals sitting with this person for 10,000 meals? And when men choose or chase from a desire, a sexual desire first, as opposed to more of a spiritual connection or just life alignment, it typically will fail.

From my personal experience, I don't know, five or six different relationships in my teens and 20s and 30s that didn't fail in the sense that I didn't learn great things, didn't have great moments, but weren't the right alignment, weren't the right fit for a long-term mission that I have. And that's when we choose from

sexual desire versus spiritual alignment, or at least just values, vision, and lifestyle. And I think we learn to commit differently, and I speak for example, from my own personal example, is when that becomes exhausting. When it's so exhausting, we realize chasing and choosing out of sexual desire hurts us in the long run. It's hurting us from our meaningful mission, pulls us away from our path, from our purpose. When our energy is lower because we're constantly managing chaos and stress, we realize this is not what we want anymore. This was fun, but it's not fulfilling. This was interesting, but it's not in alignment of my higher self and

my higher calling. And so we have to heal the wounds within us as men to stop choosing from a desire that is not of our highest self. And when we can choose from a higher self-desire alignment, there's a lot more peace. And so you've known my story. You've seen me in, I don't know, how many relationships in the past? We've been friends now for going on 10 years, I think. Struggle, suffer, struggle, highs, lows, excitement. This is crazy. Oh, now I'm in suffering.

And the energy, the amount of energy it takes to manage chaos is exhausting. It's draining. And it sucks the life out of you. It could give you this rush and excitement for a while, but then eventually, it's an unsustainable energy that burns out. And do you think, in your case, do you think that was because you put attraction before compatibility in those relationships?

100%. And it was more putting a desire from a wound that I was unconscious of. So I was attracted to someone to fulfill something inside of me that I was lacking. So I had to learn how to stop lacking in that thing inside of me, stop being attracted to something that I thought would fill something inside of me that was missing inside of me. Instead, I had to go create that and remind myself where it was inside of me and accept myself, the parts of me that were missing, accept it, create wholeness in my heart, and then I could choose differently.

Because I'm not choosing from a desire of like like I need this thing to make me feel good About me. Yeah, and I still don't feel good about me when I have it. Well, it's really interesting because so many people Choose people that they feel like will elevate them or make them look good to the rest of the world or oh I finally will look like I've made it because I attracted this really hot person or you know Like it all happens to everyone. It happens to women too. It's like you, you're going through this process of, you know, getting approval from the world for who you chose. Right. And I'm not sure how many women watching or listening have dated the guy with who's perfect on paper, like the perfect resume. Like they were

tall, dark, handsome. They came from a good family. They made good money. Their job was like a high position somewhere. Like everything looked perfect. They went to the right school. They had the right friend group. And they were like, I should be happy with this person

because they have this thing that I feel like I'm supposed to need or want, or it gives me some sense of safety. But they knew maybe they just weren't in alignment with this person. Doesn't mean they're wrong or knew maybe they just weren't in alignment with this person. It doesn't mean they're wrong or bad. It just wasn't the right match for them. And they try to force it. And again, I don't know if anyone is watching can relate to that.

When you force it, you realize, oh, this just is not working. So we've got to choose from not from something that's lacking, but from something that's complete within us and choose from that space. And sometimes it's not just incompatibility in outlook or behavior or values. It's incompatibility in intentions. You don't want a relationship and I do, but because you're hot and tall and handsome and this and that, I go, well, maybe I can just keep going casually to see where this goes. When normally if it was like, if you didn't have all those attributes

that made me put you on a pedestal, then I would say to myself, I'm not doing this. You're not even serious. You text me every three days. But because they have all those things that we're trying to like get because we're trying to fill something in us, we put up with these

things that we would never normally put up with. Yeah. And when you're trying to be in a relationship because you're lonely and you feel alone, you're probably not going to choose correctly because you'll put up with things or you'll oversee things that'll come out later. And the sexiest thing that I know you talk about all the time, the sexiest thing for a man in a woman, for a conscious, healthy man in a woman is when they are fully loving their lives, literally living love life, right?

When they're fully loving their lives, that is one of the sexiest things and most attractive things for a male counterpart. So let me ask you this, because this kind of gets to the heart of one of the things I wanted to talk to you about today. You just said something really, really important. It's really attractive to a guy when you are not coming from a place of need or desperation. Neediness, loneliness, sadness.

Right. You love your life. And yet so many people will say, I really love my life. I'm super grateful for what's going on in my life right now. I have friends. I have a good job. You know, I have lots of good things in my life. And yet there's this ache inside of me that doesn't go away because I really do want to meet.

Like love is one of the best things you can find. Maybe it's the best. And I don't have it. And I suppose the question I have for you, because you work so much with people in their confidence and self-doubt, and it's one of the things I want to come on to later when we do our members Q&A. But what do you think is the way to go through life if someone is in a stage of their life where they're like, I'm ticking all the boxes of like things going well in my life, but it still pains me not to have this and maybe throw into that that I feel like time is ticking and I'm worried I want a family and it's like that's clocks running out on that.

I almost want to like put you as strange as it may sound and as hard as it may be to do. You're one of the best people I've ever met at, when you want to get something, you go out there and you make it happen. Everything you've ever said to me that you want to do, everything that you've ever set your mind to, you're like the ultimate strategist. You believe in yourself.

You move through life from a place of action. I almost want to put you in like, you know, now you're 40 year old Lewis the woman, who's like looking for love. I'm a woman. Yes. Okay, yep. Like, and you've got that fear of like, time is running out.

I'm single. You're single, time is running out. I'm afraid, I've got a great life, but man, do I want to meet someone? What would you do to stop yourself coming from? That place of need and lack so that you could bring your best to that's great. I love the question. I think I Saw someone say this. I'm not sure where this quote was from but someone said The biggest failure is winning at the wrong game. And I think that relates to relationships. Being in a relationship,

being in the wrong relationship doesn't mean you're not going to experience love at the greatest levels. Just because you're in a relationship, you could still feel completely alone and unseen and unlovable, but you're in a relationship. It's almost like you're losing even though you've won. We don't want to make a decision. I love one of your early videos. I watch a lot of Matt's videos, by the way, because I just think it's fascinating. One of your early videos was of you and all these stick figures. It was like, I don't know, 100 men.

It was like just crossing them all off the list until you find the one who's a good match for you. It's not being disappointed if the first four or five dates don't work out. It's just like, oh, you're one person closer to finding someone who is a good match. So don't choose out of loneliness or because it's like the clock is ticking too soon. Because the worst thing you can do is live a long life with the wrong person. That, for me, is a sad, like it's sad. You could have just waited another year,

and maybe you'd have found someone who would have been a better match. Now, obviously, when you make the choice, you've got to go all in and make that choice. And like you said in the beginning, there could always be someone who's going to be younger or more successful or more talented in something. So you can't let that confuse you. But making sure you are matched in values, vision, and lifestyle, I think is huge. And you align in those things. When you find that, then that's an opportunity for love and success and love.

But I would really, you know, when you are, if you're 40 and you're single and you're saying hey clock is ticking and maybe i made some mistakes in the past and i was in relationships too long or i stayed in that relationship for six or eight years which i hear from a lot of women and then i got out of it and now it's too late what do i do i mean i met martha when she was 39 you know and she she was married and divorced and she doesn't have kids yet. And she was in a state of, she wants a family. She wants kids. But she wasn't willing to negotiate her values, her vision, or her lifestyle.

She wasn't willing to give in because she had done that before and it left her heartbroken in a sense, right? It left it just not in alignment because she chose, like I had chose previously, not in alignment. So you're going to fail when you win if you choose a wrong relationship. So I think wait as long as you can until you feel like here's an opportunity for growth. Here's an opportunity for a real genuine connection. But for me, don't wait by sitting around saying, I'm going to wait for the guy to find me. Really, as you say, drop the handkerchief as many times

as you can to attract more opportunities for you. And freaking get a basket of handkerchiefs and throw them out around the world if you need to, to let guys pick it up and see, OK, who's interesting? And let me explore this person. And let me go down the path of having more interesting connections. As opposed to, is this the one? Just have an interesting connection with guys without thinking, am I sexually attracted? Or this. You're going to learn about it little by little. But drop a bunch of handkerchiefs.

So that's perfect because I want to take the way you see the greatness mindset and apply it to that directly. As I was going through your book, which is fantastic. I think it's the best thing you've ever made. Thank you. It's really, really good. Thank you. I'm going to make sure everyone gets the details for this afterwards.

I'll link it up. But it's called The Greatness Mindset. And there was a page that I circled, because I almost want to, like any tools that you think are really valuable from the book that people should apply to going out there and making it happen. And one of the things you talk about is creating that mission. Like, what's my vision? What am I actually trying to do? Right? So you wrote, I thought this was really fantastic. You said, none of us can see how a mission can be accomplished at the start because our only perspective is what we have at the moment. So that made me think of like people who have been single for a while, or people who have come out of divorce, or people who have been broken up with, or maybe they feel like in every

relationship they get cheated on, or they're always the person before the person that they marry, never the person they marry. And so it's like, they can't even see, maybe they don't specifically know what their mission is. And I want to talk about that because how, you know, what's your view of how you create a love life goal? I want to talk about that because it's a little, it's kind of interesting, but we'll come back to it. But then, you know, we lack perspective when we're trying to achieve it of how it's going to be accomplished. That perspective is shaped by what we've experienced in the past, not by what we might experience in the future. But when we start moving forward, our perspective begins to change. Opportunities we never imagined were suddenly open to us.

Connections we didn't realize were possible, open doors we didn't even know existed, resources we assumed were unavailable, suddenly become accessible because we learned secrets we didn't know were once hidden from us. And it all starts by having a meaningful mission. Yes. So beautifully put. And it's sort of, to me me it almost describes what we're doing here in this club is it's like figuring out Realizing that you don't know until you start moving and maybe moving in ways you haven't before What is actually possible? so how what's the mission you think people could start with in their love life because it feels to people like If I create a goal that I want to meet someone by the

end of the year, I don't have full control over that. So it feels like this hard goal to have. Or you can meet someone, but maybe the wrong person. So it's getting very clear on what you want to experience. What's the feeling that you want to experience in this relationship you want to have? And I created this mission for myself. I actually had a vision for a relationship 10 years ago that I spoke about on my podcast. And I had someone put me in a meditative state and close my eyes and imagine like, okay, what does the ideal life look like

in a relationship for you? And I visualized it and I spoke it into existence. Now, I acted based on sexual desire the previous eight years after that. I didn't act on the mission. I acted on my wounds still, my desires. And so I got painful results because I didn't act on the mission. And in order to step into that, like you said, I had to become someone different.

I had to be someone differently in order to attract into that, like you said, I had to become someone different. I had to be someone differently in order to attract something I had never had. I had to show up in different ways. I had to heal. I had to face certain things that I was afraid of in order to create an environment for that partner to come to me. I want you to keep going, but I feel like a lot of people are going to be asking this inside. There's, you and I, you know,

you and I talk all the time about this stuff. We're not in front of audiences. We're like always talking about our own lives and what's driving us today. And one of the things that we talk, the word that comes up a lot is peace. Yes. Like the, how much we value peace.

There was a time, it sounds like for you, where what was most important was sexual attraction. And at a certain point, it actually became something else. It became peace or whatever word you prefer. For people out there who are listening to this and going, how do I make that shift? Because even when I'm telling myself, yeah, peace would be really nice, or feeling loved or feeling needed or feeling like someone was good communicator or consistent, that would feel really nice.

And yet, what I keep getting attracted to is these people that are charismatic and super kind of sexy or handsome or unavailable or like spontaneous. Which might be fun momentarily, but doesn't support me for a long-term committed relationship. So exactly. So how did you make the switch? Not just logically, because to me, what I hear when you say I had, you know, eight years ago, I had a vision, it felt like almost you logically knew that that was probably a good thing to go for. But emotionally, you kept going for the other thing.

How did you make that switch? And how do you think other people can make that switch? I made the switch through constant suffering, through experiencing pain and breakdown in multiple relationships that didn't work out. So because there were multiple relationships that I was a part of, that didn't work out. So because there were multiple relationships that I was a part of, I was the common denominator. So I was the root of all these relationships

not working out. I can't blame these other people, although it takes two people to be in a relationship, but I can't blame them for what they did. I take responsibility because my value, based on my actions, I would devalue myself and give in For something else that wasn't what I truly wanted. I would give in so I didn't value my values or myself It doesn't make me bad or wrong. It's just that's what gets me challenging results

So because I wasn't valuing myself and I wasn't in alignment with my values I got different results. Maybe there's fun and crazy exciting moments here and there but it wasn't in alignment with my values, I got different results. Maybe there's fun, crazy, exciting moments here and there, but it wasn't what I wanted long term. I had this vision in my mind eight years ago, 10 years ago, and I'm living that vision now because I started to value and appreciate myself and heal the things that I was running away from or I wasn't addressing. I was concealing these pains, these wounds. And I think the first step for any woman who has been in a heartbreak or gone through a challenging breakup or divorce or been alone for a long time and feel like

they're struggling getting in a great relationship is you've got to be willing to heal and reveal your past pains. I'm not saying you need to dump all this on the guy that you're on a date with, but you need to be able to do this with yourself and with someone close to you. And one of the things of the difference between the greatness mindset and the powerless mindset within relationships is when you are powerless, it's because you're concealing past pains. You're controlled by fear. You're crippled by self-doubt. Because when you are powerless, it's because you're concealing past pains.

You're controlled by fear. You're crippled by self-doubt. So that makes you feel more powerless. You will attract certain men when you live in a powerless mindset. You could still get in a relationship, but it might be abusive. It might be dismissive. They may not be the communicator you want them to be. But it's not because of them.

It's because you are powerless in certain ways of being. Your energy is showing up in a powerless state. Doesn't mean you're bad or wrong. This is not a judgment. It's just, is it useful for you? Is it helpful for you to have the vision you want, the environment of love that you're looking to create? So when we overcome the powerless mindset, there's six key elements in this.

And we make a decision, and we look ourselves in the mirror and say, OK, I'm realizing I'm living in some of these states. What is it the roots that's causing me to be powerless in these moments? How do I learn to heal certain wounds that cause me to feel this way so that I can move forward in a more greatness mindset, a powerful mindset. And that way I can make decisions. I can have confidence when I'm around certain people. I can put my walls up if I feel like, no, I don't want to abandon myself in this situation. This is a no for me. I'm not going to sabotage myself here. I'm not going to give in here with this guy

again. And I can value myself. Again, ladies, what we value appreciates in value over time. But if we say it's a value, but we discount it and we go against it, then we will be discounted and we'll be treated that way with the men that we're dating. So we must learn to appreciate our value so that we appreciate in value to the person that we're dating. We become more desirable, more attractive when we do that. I'm not talking about sexual or outer looks desire and value. Although obviously put yourself together, make yourself look presentable, but it's really the character of your value,

your heart, your generosity, your compassion, your acceptance. one of the things that we want as men, and I'm sure women want as well from their men, is acceptance. But it's hard to be in a relationship when someone's constantly judging you, nagging you, comparing you to someone else that they used to date, comparing you to their girlfriends, you know, husbands or boyfriends. Like, no man wants to feel that way.

They wanna be accepted. And no woman wants to be judged either. They want to be accepted. So when I chose You know dating Martha I went into the relationship saying There's one condition There's multiple actually conditions that I wanted to have we have to be an alignment on a lot of things but one main thing I Said I will fully accept you that doesn't mean I may not be frustrated or let down at certain times,

but I'm gonna accept who you are as a human being at your core, your values. And again, we may have arguments and disagreements, but I'm not gonna try to change who you are, because I know that you are on a growth journey. I know you want to constantly work on self. So for me, I feel confident that you will continue to improve as I'm committed to my growth and us coming together as a core value of growth, then I will accept you.

And that's just something I've chosen because it brings me peace. And going into that, as opposed to saying, well, there's lots of other women out there that could do this or that or whatever, younger, hotter, this, more money, whatever it is, I've made a choice because I want to have a long-term, healthy, committed relationship. That'll bring peace to my heart. It'll bring me more joy and abundance and love and excitement than chasing a bunch of other girls for moments. And again, for the women watching, you've got to appreciate your value because then it will appreciate over time. But most women, I think, discount it. And what do you think, can you talk to that process of people coming from that powerless place? And what are the practical

tools that people can use to become more powerful? Exactly. On page 201, I'll show you real quick. There's a chart. There's a little graphic that I'll show people. I'll just read it really quick for you guys. There's the powerless mindset includes six things. And this is for all human beings.

But if you're a woman and you lack a meaningful mission in your relationship, then you'll say yes to any guy that comes your way that gives you attention. Oh, he likes me. He's showing me interest. Okay. So you're going to say yes to someone, but you don't know what your mission is. So when you lack a meaningful mission, you're willing to be susceptible to lots of different opportunities. Maybe you get lucky, but usually it's going to hurt you in the long run. So you've got to be super clear on what you want. The greatness mindset is someone that's driven by a meaningful mission. You've got to be so clear. And then every time you go against your clarity, you will suffer.

So it's almost what I want. He's halfway there, but he's got a good heart. Yeah, but is he really what you want? Is he saying mean things to you all the time? Is he hurting you? Is he doing these other things? He abusive is he okay, but he's nice here, but he's horrible here Okay, you're giving in on your meaningful mission and you're doing that then from a wound you're saying I'm not enough So I'm gonna choose someone who treats me like I'm not enough because I don't believe I'm enough and When we come from that wound ladies that I'm not enough

You will always see that in account of that in the guys you date believe I'm enough. And when we come from that wound, ladies, that I'm not enough, you will always see that and encounter that in the guys you date. They'll treat you well for a while to get what they want, but to get what you want, you'll have to constantly give in and abandon yourself. So lacking a meaningful mission is a powerless mindset. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It doesn't mean you're wrong. It doesn't mean you're not going to have an okay life or whatever. It just means you are making a decision in a powerless state as opposed to being powerful. I love that, by the way. Yep. The second thing is being controlled by fear. I'm afraid I'll be alone forever. I'm afraid no one will ever love me. I'm afraid I'll never meet the guy. I'm afraid the

clock is ticking and I'm not going to be able to have babies one day. I've waited so long now, now I'm going to turn 40. I'm just so afraid. When we're controlled by fear, fear has power over us in a relationship, in our career, in life, in whatever it might be. So instead, we need to learn how to turn fears into confidence. And we do that by really trying to have fun with this. It doesn't have to be so serious. I was so afraid of so many different things that I wrote a list called My Fear List. These are all my fears. Public speaking, dancing in public, singing, all these emotional, irrational fears. Not fears of physical fears, but more social fears, social anxieties. One fear might be I'm afraid to go talk to guys.

I'm afraid to go talk to guys. I'm afraid to be rejected by guys. We got to create games around our fears so that it can become more fun. I was afraid to talk to girls when I was a teenager. This was one of my fears. Same here. This was one of my fears. And I said to myself, I gave myself an experiment, a game for one summer. It was like two and a half months. I said, every time I go anywhere and I see a cute girl, I don't care if she's across the street, I'm going to sprint across the street and go say hi to her in a try to be non-creepy way. And I got rejected and felt so much humiliation for the first few weeks doing this. But then by the end of the summer, I was going up to 40-year-old women being like, hey, what's up, ladies? Just having conversations. And I wasn't trying to date people. I was just trying to overcome the fear to build confidence so that the fear didn't control me anymore. So we got to

create games, scenarios, exercises, social experiments. Do this with your girlfriend. Say, hey, every night when we go out, we're going to do this experiment to overcome a fear. We're going to go talk to a cute guy and just give him a compliment. We're going to go over here and drop a handkerchief. Whatever it is, we're gonna overcome this fear by being in it and practicing it constantly. So when you learn to turn fears into confidence, you're living in a greatness state, a greatness mindset. You start to draw in opportunities in life,

specifically in relationships. You are a magnet for the right men when you do that. The third thing is you're crippled by self-doubt. Powerless mindset, crippled by self-doubt. And to overcome it is you overcome self-doubt. I'll give an example about this. I dated one of the sweetest girls, I don't know, 13 years ago.

This girl was the sweetest girl. Of all the relationships I've been in, most of them haven't ended well. I take the blame for that. This one didn't end perfectly, but there was nothing wrong with this girl. She was nice, kind, sweet, beautiful, smart, all these things. But she had so much insecurity about something. She had like a skin condition, like a psoriasis that would come and go and kind of flare up.

Sometimes it was intensified and it'd be kind of all over her back and her neck. Sometimes it'd be in her face and just kind of covering her arms. For me, it didn't look bad. It was her own insecurity and self-doubt. I was like, you're beautiful. I don't care if you have this stuff. I just think you're an awesome person. You're beautiful.

She was so sweet, so kind, an amazing human, generous to everyone. But she was constantly crippled by her self-doubt. The skin condition, which I get it. It's not fun. This is the thing you got to experience. You got to go through. It crippled her. It crippled her self-confidence with me. She was always doubting herself around me. And after a year and a half, I was constantly trying to build her up, build her up. No, you look amazing. You look beautiful. You look great. She's very tiring.

It is draining. It is exhausting if it's constant, right? If this happens once in a while, I get it. We all have insecurities. No one's like super confident here. But if it's an every day, to 60 minutes a day of like needing to Wear different outfits needing to cover up and just looking in the mirror and just saying mean things to yourself and not feeling good No matter what I said and whatever I tried it didn't work

And no man wants to feel like a failure in a relationship and making you feel good and happy No man wants to say i've tried over and over again and she's still never happy She's still never confident. No man wants to say, I've tried over and over again, and she's still never happy. She's still never confident. No man wants to feel that. They feel like a failure. So it's our duty and responsibility in relationships as men and women and all human beings to build our own confidence. And yes, get some of that from our partners when we're down and we need that boost, but you can't rely on that from another person all the time Rely on it when needed and you're really like you're down on yourself cool But if it's an everyday thing It's going to feel exhausting. It's going to feel draining. So And you're going to feel powerless when you're crippled by self-doubt. You're going to feel like I have no power

Because this insecurity is like making me feel Less than or not smart enough or not pretty enough or I don't have what she has or he has. It's going to make you feel powerless. So we must learn how to overcome self-doubt. And I can talk about that later if you want. The fourth thing is concealing past pain. I think this is an interesting thing. There's 20,000 books out there on success and mindset, if you just Google those words. And a lot of them talk about discipline and hard work and grit, right? But I don't really hear people talking about revealing past pains. And this is something for me that I think, speaking about relationships and vulnerability, I had to learn how to reveal past pains to my intimate partners.

And by being okay with them myself first, by revealing them to me, facing them, processing them, healing them first, and being comfortable, like, if I told this to a potential partner, would they still like me? Would they still love me? And if we don't think they will love us or like us

or want to be with us, then that has power over us. Then we are a victim to that past fear and pain, that wound that we're holding onto, that shame, that insecurity. And you will be powerless in the relationship if you cannot reveal something. It doesn't mean it might be hard to reveal. But if you are unable to because you're so afraid, will they love me and accept me? You're powerless. So we had, I want to circle back to that one.

I want you to keep going, but we'll circle back to that one because we had a member question that we'll do in the member Q&A portion that was exactly around that. And it's going to introduce a little nuance about when is the right time to say certain things. So we'll go into that. I've got some interesting thoughts on that. Yeah. So that's number four.

The fifth one. And so the interesting thoughts on that. Yeah. That's number four. The fifth one, and so the greatness mindset is healing past pains. There's a process to that. The fifth out of the six is you're powerless in a relationship when you are defined by the opinions of others. I used to be, I mean, listen, I was powerless in every area, off and on. Not all the time, but momentarily when I was triggered, when I was wounded, when I was like, I don't like this feeling, let me give in.

I'm reactive, let me give in. What would be an example of that for you? When someone would yell at me in a relationship and say, you need to do this, otherwise you're better, whatever, making me feel wrong and bad if I don't do something. And then they scream, or they get passive aggressive, or they give the cold shoulder and they go shut the door and they don't come out for three days. Then I feel like I'm defined by the opinion of this person, so I need to give in. So was it like a feeling of being abandoned or a feeling of being like someone leaving?

It all stems from I'm not enough. Every fear at the center is I'm not enough. Every fear at the center is I'm not enough. You can call whatever word you want to. I'm going to be abandoned. They're not going to love me. They're going to leave me. But it's I'm not enough. And the feeling that you would get, was it like anxiety at the time?

Yeah, extreme anxiety and this need to create peace. So again, one of a man's, I think, priorities is to have peace. Because a man on a purpose is tackling stress all day, is tackling challenges, adversities, is out tackling wildebeests and trying to bring home the food and just dealing with what feels like emotional or psychological threats. It may not be physical threats, but it feels like you're tackling a lot of different challenges. So one of the highest currencies is peace in a relationship for a man. It's other things as well, but they want to make sure that they feel that peace. So I wanted peace. It was a huge value of mine. But when I wasn't having it, I would give in to try to buy it. So I was devaluing my values, my standards,

my vision. I would devalue it to give in and have peace. Yeah. You just give all of it up in an instant because you're like, if it just gets rid of this feeling. Okay. I'll buy this thing for you. Okay. I'll do this thing for you. Okay, I'll say this thing. Okay, I'll post this thing because you want me to do something. I'll do whatever you want because I'm defined by your opinion. What would you have said to that Lewis? If you could go back and be like, hey, in this moment right now, do this instead of this, what would you have told him? It's really hard when you're in it to do a simple shift. I would have said, don't give in on your values. That's what I would have said. Don't abandon yourself.

But it's a lot easier said than done because in order to do that, we'd have to learn how to heal what is causing us to abandon ourselves in the first place. So that's why I think before you get into a relationship, if you're single, step one is face all the wounds, insecurities, and past pain and start the healing journey. It's going to take time. It's not an overnight thing, but start the journey. What was the biggest thing that helped you heal? And is there a practical thing you would suggest to anyone out there who's going, I absolutely need to deal with the reasons why I'm abandoning

myself in those moments and my values and what's important to me. Is there a tool or a practical piece of advice you can give? I feel like I was pretty wounded just from all the different stuff I'd been through. And so I tried a lot of different things. I tried meditation, emotional intelligence workshops, therapy, talk therapy, heat therapy, cold therapy, Wim Hof meditations, Joe Dispenza meditations. I went to India and studied meditation. I did all these different things, and they all worked at certain levels. But I kept repeating. In my life, I felt a lot more peace,

but I kept repeating the intimacy abandonment. I kept abandoning myself in love. So what was the most powerful thing that in all of that, because I feel like you've done the research for so many people who don't have to travel to all four corners of the world in order to figure out what the best solution is. What for you was the most powerful tool? I mean, I don't think it's the mechanism because I don't want to say like one mechanism is In order to figure out what the best solution is, what for you was the most powerful tool that you learned? I don't think it's the mechanism, because I don't want to say one mechanism is the way,

because I think they can all be the way. But it's the mechanism you want to choose that you're willing to go all in on until you feel free. So I didn't feel emotionally or psychologically free in relationships still. I felt free in other areas of life, but not intimacy So it just so happened to be all these workshops and trainings worked. Well, it helped me get growth, but it wasn't until I Had I kept repeating the same thing over and over in intimacy Where I was like, I need peace, and freedom because I don't have it.

So I found an emotional coach, a therapist, that I just said, this is what I want. I will do whatever you tell me to do until I get this. I will run around the street naked if you tell me I'm gonna get peace and freedom and clarity in my heart because I feel trapped. I feel suffocated. I feel like I'm working really hard,

but I'm not getting results in a relationship. I feel like I don't know what else to do. I've changed who I am a thousand times to get someone to like me and be okay with me. They're not okay with me still. I don't know what else I need to do, how much more I need to spend, what I need to abandon for them

to finally accept and love me. And again, just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're going to succeed or doesn't mean you're not going to feel alone if you choose poorly. So I was afraid of getting out of relationships because I didn't want to look like a failure. I didn't want to hurt people. I didn't want to abandon them. I didn't want them to feel bad. So I would wound myself to try to please one person over and over and over again It took about six months of going to therapy every single week multiple multiple hours a week Because I said I'm committed to freedom peace and clarity

So this mechanism supported me because I was committed to it. Because I went all in on it emotionally. Because I said, I will say whatever, do whatever, be whatever to get to a place of freedom and unlock this pain so that it starts to heal. And it just took a series of, it was a moment when I got clarity and the pain in my chest disintegrated throughout my body. Because I had a ball of pain in my chest that would come and go. What was that? What was the moment? There was a moment where, and I think it was a series of things kind of like unlocking.

And again, healing is a journey. So it's not like it's all going to happen from one conversation with a therapist. And you're like, OK, I'm free. And I'm like, got to find the man of my dreams. It was a journey of really going back and mending different memories that caused me a lot of pain, creating new meaning around them, reconfiguring the story of my parents because they were trapped. They didn't have freedom.

They didn't have peace. So I didn't have freedom or peace or clarity as a kid. It was stressful. It was chaotic in the house. They loved us as kids, but they didn't love each other. So I modeled this, and I tried to fix this as an adult through the people that I would choose. I tried to fix my parents.

But I was uncautious in these actions. So it wasn't until I really went back and healed all these different memories and did lots of different weird exercises to kind of help my younger inner child feel seen, loved, and accepted. Because as an adult, if we don't heal and create new memories and meaning around those psychological wounds, we carry those things with us. And we have a child wound inside of us in an adult body. So I had to go back and face my younger self as weird as that might sound and face the inner Little Lewis inside of me that was wounded that I was been running from

But 37 38 years running away from trying to chase something To feel good, but I just needed to face myself and accept who I was when I started to accept these things about me reveal them heal them I I felt whole and complete inside. So therefore, I was able to exit a relationship that no longer supported my value, my vision or lifestyle because I valued me and healed and was on the journey of healing me. And so there was a moment when it all kind of connected where the coach was

like, Lewis, you're free. You're not, you don't, you're not stuck in this thing. Even if you get married, you're not trapped for life. Like your parents were, you're free. And it was after months and months and months of like learning this, revealing stuff, applying it, integrating it, when it finally like, I'm free. And it clicked. And then a few weeks later, I exited the relationship. And then I was able to see the world differently from this space of, I don't need to give in to get the affection from one girl. I don't need to chase a girl for sexual desire because I'm wounded. I felt wholer. It's a journey. It's not like I'm perfect, but I felt like I can see things differently.

And also, something that I think was really important that I did as a man, you know, men, it's gonna be really rare if you're an attractive woman and you wanna sleep with a man, it's gonna be really rare that a man's gonna say no to you, right? Even on the first couple of dates, a guy's probably going to want to sleep with you if

you're attracted to him and he's attracted to you. Just how guys are wired. And I don't know if you're in the chat live, and if that relates to you, feel free to leave a yes. If you believe a guy would sleep with you if you said, hey, let's come back to my place tonight after the first night. Most guys would be like, they're not going to say no. Right.

I made a decision in my current relationship to wait a number of months before sexual activity. It didn't mean I didn't want to dive into that sexual activity. But I was like, I want to get to and see like this do we really have alignment? In our values vision and lifestyle and I'm not saying if you did sleep with someone in the first few weeks that you can't do This still but I just wanted to be clear because I was like I don't want to jump into something and then get trapped I want to make sure that I'm clear that there's alignment And so the old adage of like, you know, wait until, you know, you commit, I think is actually really important because I waited until we committed.

I didn't wait till marriage. I think that's a little too much, but I waited till we committed exclusively until those acts to occur. And it gave me an ability to see things differently. Yeah. And it doesn't mean we didn't have challenges and had to work through things and disagreements, but it allowed me to not get chemically bonded. As our friend Stepan Speaks says, an orgasm is like the God drug. It makes us feel like the closest to God we can humanly be as men.

It's like you feel like you're closest to God when you have an orgasm with a woman. When that happens, you're gonna like, you want to feel close to God. This woman gave you that feeling when you connected with them sexually. I want it more and more from this person. So we get into the pattern of the sexual connection first as opposed to spiritual or emotional compatibility or just lifestyle compatibility. Do we want to live a good life together in certain ways?

And I think waiting for as long as you can. I'm not saying you have to wait months or years, but just make sure you get to know people first before you give away something that can make you feel the closest to God. Well, that's, yeah, it's an interesting way of putting it because it really has nothing to do with them and how they'll perceive you if you sleep with them quickly. It's not about that. It's about what's this doing this going to do to distort your perception of the value of this person or this relationship you have, which isn't even a relationship right now, but like, what's it going to do to distort the value of it? What you're saying is actually you need to front load the importance of compatibility or as you say saying is, actually, you need to front load the importance of compatibility, or as you say, alignment. Yeah, communication. Yeah.

Before you start muddying the waters with, we feel close now because we slept together, but we don't even really know each other. But now I sort of, I'm in this strange position of, I'll feel used if you don't call me, even though you owe me me even though you owe me nothing and even though we don't even know. You didn't value yourself. So why should someone else value you? And again, we would never get into business together if we just met in one day and had a conversation at a coffee shop meeting for the first time saying, oh, we've got this idea. Let's do this deal. Let me give you a million dollars in one night.

Like we would never do that. We would let's get to know each other. Let's do due diligence. Let me give you a million dollars in one night. We would never do that. Let's get to know each other. Let's do due diligence. Let's have a lot of meetings. Let me meet other past people that you've hung out with and you've done business with and make sure you're a good reference. You're going to do good by me. But women give a million dollars to the guy right away, essentially, if they sleep with them within the first few days, I think. It doesn't mean it can't work out. It doesn't mean it's bad and wrong. But you're putting a lot of trust in someone with money or sex right away if you do that.

And it doesn't mean it can't work. It just means it might be harder to figure out. You made the stakes high. You made them very high. And now it's like, OK, here's a million bucks. And if it doesn't work and you take it and you don't call me and you run with the money, I'm the idiot, not you. And the stakes, the giving a million is relevant to all sorts of behaviors.

It can be relevant to how much value you've put on this person. Oh, man. Not even knowing that. No, but we had such an amazing date. We had so much connection. Or we went away for a weekend together. Why would he invite me on holiday? Like, why would we go on vacation together for this amazing three day trip? Because he wants to sleep with you. So he's going to do whatever he can to sleep with you. That's the mentality that a guy thinks about a lot of the time. I'm raising my hand here. You know, this is how I was.

And it's not bad or wrong. It's just human nature. This is just chemicals. You know, we're driven by the way we think and feel, and we're going to act in these ways. It doesn't mean we still may not like the person. We may really like the person and be interested in them, think they're an awesome person.

But a lot of it is driven by sex, as we know. And so we have to learn how to navigate that. And that's why I just think it's only going to be even more explosive if you wait. If you wait a few weeks, a few months, it's not going to make the sex worse. It's going to make the tension stronger. And when you feel that connection, you have more shared experiences, then it's actually more special and you start building a bond in a healthier way as opposed to a chemical sexual bond first and then a spiritual bond second. What would you say to someone who met a younger Lewis, who hadn't done that healing, who was chasing that sexual attraction, who was, you know, putting a lot of effort in at the front end because there's a result he's looking for, but can't necessarily back it up.

You know, like- And I don't think it's conscious that men are doing this. No, no, no. I don't get into the kind of demonizing of anyone because, my God, it puts me directly in the firing line as well. So, you know, we've all, we've all done things that we look at and we go, man, like that was the result of that was incredibly so like that was selfish. But at the time I didn't feel selfish at the time. I was, if you said to me, you're just, yeah, you're unconscious. You're not, you, you may, you may not truly have the empathy at that stage or the understanding of what the damage is that you can do to people.

That's stuff that you learn as you, well, some people learn as they get older and they become more conscious. But I guess my point is there's a lot of people out there who are coming across a version of that guy in one form or another, but they see like, you know, you clearly had all this potential because look at who you are as a human being. And, you know, you and I have both grown so much, but even in situations where someone maybe will one day grow, it's incredibly dangerous to invest in them today based on the fact that they might grow. So I suppose it's a two-part question.

What would you tell a woman meeting Lewis at that stage? Would it just be run or would it be handle him in this way? And second question is, a lot of people will be listening to this chat and thinking, this is not a normal chat. Like this is not a level of awareness that a lot of people have in life. And this is so awesome that I'm getting to hear this level of consciousness and awareness from you. But I'm out there dating, you know, Jeff, who's not been to India and hasn't done this course and hasn't done therapy. So they're looking for someone who's growth minded and someone who has this level of introspection and clarity, but maybe not knowing how to meet a guy like that. So I guess the first question is, what do you do when you come across a guy who's not arrived there yet? And the second one is, how could you start attracting more of

those kinds of guys? Well, I think the first thing you said was like, what would you say to women who were like hanging out with me like 15 years ago? I would have said like, what is your meaningful mission? If your meaningful mission is to have fun and have some intimacy but non-commitment and lack of clarity, then cool, go hang out with me. You know what I mean? Because that was the space I was in. But if your meaningful mission is to actually meet a guy who wants to grow with you, who wants to fully commit, who wants to be exclusive, who wants to build a life together at this

season of life at 25, 30, or 33, or whatever, then Lewis is not the guy for you. Sure, he looks good. He's got potential. He's got maybe one day he could be that, but he's not that now. So don't invest in someone who could be something in 10 years or five years. Take the guy for face value. Your meaningful mission has to be your North Star. I think so.

Never the guy. It's got to be. Otherwise, you could get the guy but still suffer. It's like you're just going to struggle and be like two, three years later breaking up being like, why did this happen to me? Well, you were led by a fear, an insecurity, a need as opposed to a mission in your relationship values. So that's what I would have said to someone.

So first stick to your meaningful mission. Don't value the guy over the mission. I think so, yeah. And then what can they do to start finding more of the people that are at a stage in their life where they have had these realizations and done this work? Well, I think one, if you meet a guy that you like, but he doesn't line up with your values, vision, or lifestyle, it doesn't mean he's wrong or bad, he's just not the right guy for you.

And once you find a guy who has alignment, again, not gonna be perfect, none of us are, but has alignment, and if you wanna make a conscious decision and say, okay, I'm gonna choose this person, meaning I know they, maybe they wanna grow or maybe they don't wanna grow, but I'm gonna choose them, you can't try to change them after they don't want to grow but i'm going to choose them

You can't try to change them after that You have to choose to accept who they are because again no man wants to be Made wrong blamed put down or told what to do. No one wants that. No woman wants that either to not be accepted So if you want to be totally accepted You've got to accept the guy you're choosing That's why don't sleep with him on the first night. Don't sleep with him in the first week. Get to know him to see, do you actually want to choose this man?

Get to know all the things he says, his behaviors, his actions. Are they consistent? That takes time to see. Someone can do that for a few weeks because they want something from you, but see how they do it over time when you've pulled the thing they want the most away.

So with Martha, I was like, we're not going to get intimate sexually. I said that to her. She said that to me, but I also said at the same time, I go, yeah, I'm not going to do this because I don't want to make the same mistakes I've been making. And after months of this, I got to witness, okay, is she who she really says she is? You know, being in Hollywood, you never know, or like people a certain way. I had to actually see, is she consistent with her words, her actions, her behaviors? Did they line up? Do I want to hang out with her? And I also asked the guy, like if you, I mean, it's maybe a little bit different for women, but like for me as a man, I had to ask myself, would I spend 10,000 meals with this person

if I never had sex with her? Would I still want to spend time with her? Because there may be a season of life where we don't have much sex. Do I still want to hang out with her? Do I still want to spend time with her? Does she inspire me? Does she make me laugh? Do we have fun conversations?

So I, as a man, had to do that. I'm not sure what the woman would need to do if sex is as important. For some women, I think it is. But if you pulled away the thing, any sexual or intimacy connection, affection, would you still want to spend time with this man? Does he treat you well? Does he say nice things to you? Does he speak good about you behind your back?

Is he consistent? Is he in integrity with his time and his energy towards you? If not, and you're just with him because you want that affection or because you want to feel safe or feel protected, but then you're giving in on all these other things that don't serve your meaningful mission. So I got very clear on that. And there were some moments where she asked me tough questions, which I think every woman should do early on. In the first, I don't know, six weeks, she was like, do you see yourself being married and having kids?

And I think if that is part of your mission in life, that you want to be married and have kids as a woman, and you're just dating guys for fun and you don't want to scare them, scare them. Scare them early and soon. Don't waste too much time. You don't have to say this in scare them. Scare them early and soon. Don't waste too much time. You don't have to say this in the first night or whatever, but it's like- Right. And you don't need to make, it's not like you're saying, I want to do this with you right now. You're literally just assessing where they're at.

Do you want this in your life? Do you want this in your life? What do you say to women who are looking at a situation like that going, I want to be the person that can go and just experience someone and build a connection and have fun and, and not immediately make him feel like I'm trying to, like I'm on a mission and he's, he's almost not even important. I just need a vessel for a new person. Will he do this, this and this for me? Yeah. Yeah. You know, like how, what do you think is the right way to say that? I mean, maybe you just said it,

but like, what do you think is the right way for a woman to broach saying those things in a way that gets across the fact that she's like got a standard here of what she's looking for, or at least allows her to see, even if it doesn't communicate to him that there's a standard,

at least it allows her to see where he's at. Yes. But doesn't scare him off. What do you think is the right balance? If you're a woman who's single right now, there's three things that I think you should think about and practice daily until you get into a relationship. Number one, you should think about the exact vision you have for a conscious relationship, for the relationship you want.

You should think about that. Write it down. Get very clear. I know you talk about these exercises in the Love Life Club constantly. So use the exercises in the club and write them down and get very clear on what does that look like? What does that feel like? That's one.

Get clear on your meaningful mission or your vision for the relationship you want. Number two is ask yourself, what are the things that hurt me in the past or held me back from having that already? So I'm not living this vision yet. So I haven't experienced it. What has caused me pain, loss, heartache, and past to why it hasn't happened yet? Essentially means you got to face things, you got to heal them, you got to mend the wounds, you got to create new meaning around past pains. And that is a daily practice.

So being clear on the vision is a daily intention. Like I know what I want, I'm clear. So when I see it, I can start to explore it more to see if this is a potential match. A daily healing journey. Okay, the things I did in the past didn't work. So I gotta take a look in the mirror and ask myself what caused me to show up in a way that hurt me.

Yes, I allowed someone to treat me bad. Yes, this wasn't okay, what he did, whatever it might be. But I'm at the source of allowing it to happen. I could have left, I could have done certain things. For most people in the world, they can do that, right? So what caused me to abandon self now? I got to heal that consistently every day I got to do the work to heal that that's what I did for many many months. That's not fun That's uncomfortable. Most people just want to hang out have fun drink with their girlfriends go to a party. I get it

It's not fun going to a therapist office for five hours on Saturdays talking about the inner child wounds This is not something I want to do, but I wanted peace, freedom, and clarity. So I did the work. So do the healing journey work is step two. And then number three is what you talk about every day in this club. Love your life to the fullest. Men are attracted to a woman who loves their life. I don't care if you like Magic the Dragon or if you like, I don't know, SpongeBob SquarePants or whatever the interests you are, go all in on your interests and hobbies

and dreams and activities. Love your life to the fullest. You will be a magnet for attracting men. You'll attract all types of men. The goal for you is to get clear on which one fits within my mission, my values, my vision, my lifestyle, and weeding them out. Because you're going to attract everyone.

They're all going to come. They're going to be like, huh, who's got this energy? I want some of that in my life. People are attracted to someone that loves their life. So you have to then decide, OK, am I just saying yes to this guy because I want attention or what he makes me feel good or because he's like whining and dining me but You can't give up your power that quickly with with sex Just like you wouldn't give someone a million dollars in the first night for a business deal

You'd want to get to know them first. So those three things I think are crucial if you're a single lady right now It's incredible. It's so I mean if you're a single lady right now. It's incredible. It's so, I mean, everything you're saying is so, so powerful. I want to move to the members questions portion of this so that we can give our Love Life Club members a chance to ask some questions. Before we do. Yeah, go ahead and type in the chat if any of this has resonated or if any of this has supported you. Just type in a chat if any of this has resonated or if any of this has supported you. Just type in a yes if it's connecting with you.

Before we jump into the Q&A, and I want everyone out there to go and grab a copy, by the way, of The Greatness Mindset. This is Lewis's best work, I believe. And I know that, Lewis, you've achieved an extraordinary amount in your life. Like truly, by other people's standard of what greatness is, you achieved it a long time ago with what you did in your life.

But I know for you, that wasn't a high enough standard for what you wanted. You didn't just want outward greatness of what you'd achieved. You wanted peace, clarity, and freedom. And that's like, I have watched you, man, on this private journey that other people don't know about where you inspired me to double down on the self-growth work I've been doing for myself. You and I were at a mastermind very recently and you stood up and you spoke in front of leaders who were at the top of their food chain in every area. And when you spoke, these people who were at the top of the food chain in self-development were like, you actually did it. Like you, the work that you've put in through therapy, through coaching, through courses

to create peace in your life is so evident in the way that you speak. And what's amazing is that you've put that journey and that healing into this book. So this is created by someone who actually did it and it's been such a privilege and such an inspiration for me as your friend. Thanks brother. To watch you do it and it's made me, like I watch you and I'm like, oh that's amazing the way you reacted to that situation

or that's amazing how you just got through that difficult thing. And then I go, well would I have done that as well as that? Would I have found pieces quickly through that? And it inspired me to do much more of my own work on myself too. So go grab a copy of this book, The Greatness Mindset. I'm very, very proud of my friend here for having created this. By the way, if you haven't checked out School of Greatness, check it out because you'll see why.

Lewis is literally one of the best hosts and interviewers on planet Earth. Just incredible. And obviously, you've seen that today. It's nice to put you in the hot seat. My man. Appreciate you. Love you, brother. Fun times.

Love life, community. You guys are amazing. We'll see you soon, guys. Thank you so much. I hope you enjoyed that conversation. Two things before you go. The first one is do go grab a copy of Lewis's brand new book, The Greatness Mindset from Amazon or wherever you get your books, I'm sure already from listening to that conversation, you see how much valuable insight there is on your healing journey inside that book. And the second thing I wanted to tell you is if you want to watch the rest of the session that I did with Lewis, because we did a whole other hour that's not aired here on the podcast,

where he answered all of our Love Life Club member questions. He talked about anxiety in dating, overcoming self-doubt. He talked about the thing that he said to his now partner that he thought would scare her off, but actually made their relationship stronger. By the way, if you thought Lewis got personal in this part of the conversation, wait till you hear what he said in the Q and A. And I said, do you really want the truth?

I looked her in her eyes and said, do you want the truth? She said, yes. I go, are you sure you want the truth? Because I don't think you're going to like what you hear. And she goes, yes. And she's like, now I'm worried. Are you going to say something crazy? So she said, what are your priorities?

And I said, you will never be. I want to give you context here. I want to give you context. So the context is coming at the end. So don't take this out of context. But I said, you can by becoming a Love Life Club member. We have a 14-day free trial for you to do just that. You can go to askmh.com, that's A-S-K-M-H dot com to get your free trial. And you don't just get the chance to watch the Lewis Howes full session. You'll also be able to access our Ask Your Question tool inside the app. So you can literally ask a question you want to know the answer to as our ask your question tool inside the app. So you can literally ask a question you want to know the answer to as if you're asking me as your coach, and it will bring up as a search function, a moment from a previous webinar I've done where

I answer that question. We also have other masterclasses you can check out on meeting people, attracting people, building your confidence, getting over heartbreak, spotting the red flags early in dating. We have amazing interviews with other experts like Guy Winch and Esther Perel and Dr. Ramani and an entire Love Life Club community inside the app that you can interact with so that you don't feel alone in your journey to creating the love life you want. If you can't tell already, I'm super proud of this. We have a brand new app as part of our membership now that you can download on your phone. So to watch any of the live coaching sessions with me or watch any masterclass or expert interview, you don't even need to leave

your phone. You can do it through the app. Go to askmh.com to become a Love Life Club member today and start your free trial. Thank you everyone. I'll speak to you in the next episode of Love Life. Bye.