Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 21: How To Stop Playing The "Waiting Game"

Episode Date: May 3, 2020

Your phone buzzes. It’s a text from him ;) You can feel your stomach flip over with excitement. Every message he sends is like sweet honey for your brain. “Damn”, you think, “I’m an addict.��� And then you fire a cute message back. And you wait...and wait… “Why isn’t he replying?” you want to scream to your friend on the couch next to you. But she’s too busy with her phone to notice. You try to shift focus, but you obsessively check for a text every 30 seconds. Sound familiar? We’ve all had this agony of “anxious waiting” with someone we like. It’s distracting, it’s unattractive, and it drains you of your peace of mind every minute you sit in limbo. If you’re sick of waiting for his text and want to finally take back your power, listen to this... --- Apply for our next retreat program at matthewhusseyretreat.com Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey Follow Matthew @thematthewhussey 

Hello and welcome back to the Love Life Podcast with me, your host Stephen Hussey. And today I want to talk about a feeling that is all too common and dangerous in dating, particularly for those of you who perhaps in lockdown right now you're doing a lot of swiping on dating apps. Maybe you've had a couple of promising conversations or there's one person you're kind of interested in and excited about. And what can happen if we're not careful? Maybe we get a little excited, a little butterflies in our stomach about someone and we text them and we get text back and it's exciting every time their text comes in it's like a little hit of dopamine and then one time the text takes a little longer to get back from

them and we think okay but i get the nice little hit of dopamine again when they text back then the next one takes even longer and maybe even the whole evening goes by and they don't text back and we go to bed a little anxious and suddenly before we know it we're in that situation of anxious waiting where even if it's someone we didn't know a couple of weeks ago suddenly our self-esteem feels completely invested in this scenario of acceptance or rejection and we're waiting for that back and we think well what can I do in the meantime is there something else I can say is there something I'm saying wrong that means they're not texting me back in time what is it and you know suddenly you're you've lost control you've lost emotional control your happiness seems dependent on this person, and it's a very anxiety-inducing

place to be. So if you've been in this scenario before, I want you to listen very carefully to what Matt says in this clip. Check it out. You are waiting for a text message, or for someone to call you back, or someone to ask you on a date again or to express that they still love you, that they're thinking of you. But right now your phone is blank. There is no message. There is no phone call. There is no person giving you that validation that you're looking for. And the result is that you are anxiously waiting. I believe that this anxious waiting, when we're sat by our phone, staring at it, waiting for this person to show up and reassure us that we are still being thought of, that we're still attractive,

is responsible for so much unhappiness on any given day. The problem with waiting for someone's reassurance is that it doesn't last. You know someone could text you right now and you'd feel good, you'd feel elated that they reached out to you, but that feeling lasts minutes or hours before the anxiety creeps back in again and you start asking the same questions.

Are they thinking about me now? Do they like me as much as they did yesterday? And so on. So there has to be another way. And it can't just be distracting ourselves. Because I think that's a lot of people's answer is, well, if you're feeling that anxiety, if you're feeling like you're thinking about someone too much,

just distract yourself. But we all know that that's paper thin. Because you could be with your friends, doing something that should be fun. And you, once again, you find yourself checking your phone every three seconds to see if those three little dots are coming up on your phone that show that hope is on the way. They are about to text you. We cannot live like that. And it also makes us bring bad energy to the people around us. It's not about distraction. It's about something deeper than that. The cure is find something meaningful for you to do right now.

Go deeper on something. Now, that could be to read a book that brings meaning to you or that is really teaching you about something that you're curious about. It could be deepening a skill set you have by focusing on something difficult and practicing it. It could be losing yourself in a project or something that's related to one of your passions. If you can lose yourself for an hour in something that gives your life color and meaning outside of that relationship, now you're into a better state. Because I know that there

can literally be a 30 minute to a one hour difference between feeling despairing that someone isn't reaching out to you and actually feeling pretty great because you did something meaningful with the last hour that has made you feel full, that has given you purpose and allows you to come back to that person with a great energy. Here's what I'm gonna anticipate is gonna be the problem for a lot of people watching this video. You may not know what to turn to in those moments that is gonna give you meaning. You may not right now have books you love losing yourself in

or skill sets that you're set on practicing or mastering or work projects or passions that give your life meaning outside of this relationship that you're focused on. And this is what's so interesting about this concept to me is that we often relate that anxious waiting to insecurity, to a lack of confidence. And yes, on some level it's tied to that. And you know, twice a year, I run an entire five and a half day retreat specifically to transform people's confidence. But what people forget, what they don't realize, one of the other things I do on the retreat is change people's sense of purpose. Give them something or many things that they can focus on, that they can connect with, that reinforce their sense of richness in life, that give them a focus, a burning desire to work on something, to train a part of

themselves, to educate themselves, to learn something new, to try something new. A sense of fulfillment and purpose that has nothing to do with their love life. And I think that's one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. So the retreat removes your anxiety by doing both of these things, making you as confident and as high value as you can possibly be, but also showing you how to build a rich and full life

that is full even when you're away from somebody. You don't feel like you're deficient simply because someone's not texting you back right now or not calling you. And that's the greatest way to be attractive to that person in the first place. I can give you a hundred different lines to use, but the greatest attraction is when we meet someone who has this full and complete life that doesn't depend on us and they are their own person in their own right. If you want to do this for yourself, if you are sick and tired of waiting around anxiously for somebody to reach out, to validate you, to text you, to call you so that you can feel good and you want to feel good right now

so that you can bring your best energy to that person when you do engage with them, try the retreat. I'm going to leave a link here right now. Check it out for yourself. I will see you as always in next week's video, but please, before you go, check out the retreat. I know I've said it to you before. I'm going to say it to you again. If I think something's important, I'm going to keep saying it and saying it and saying it until you do it, because I know it's going to help you. So check it out for yourself. I hope you'll try the retreat program and I'll see you soon. If you are really serious about taking your confidence to the next level, about creating that meaning and purpose

so that you feel grounded and centered and strong with or without a relationship and you have that to bring to your love life, go and check out the retreat at MatthewHusseyRetreat.com. You can apply there. We only ever hear incredible, powerful, amazing stories from anyone who comes on that program. We are constantly blown away by the changes that people make after they leave our retreat. It is the best thing we do in our company. It is our baby. If you're really serious about this, we would love to see you there.

Go to MatthewHusseyRetreat.com to apply and you can get started right away. So I hope you see through that clip how anxious waiting, how damaging and dangerous it can be, how we can, it's not about distraction. It's not about just finding something mindlessly to switch off to while you still wait for that person. It's about you being in charge of the train on your life. You're not standing on the platform. You're driving the train. You're deciding where it goes. You're deciding who gets to come on board with you. You know, I remember a story from the film director, Kevin Smith, who, you know, he's not a big blockbuster director,

but has been successful by anyone's standards and made many films. He came out of the indie scene. And, you know, he talked about this concept once when he turned in a script for Clerks 3, his latest film. And he was waiting to get the financing, to get the green light, to get the people to back it, to say that he was allowed to go and make this film. And instead of sitting on his hands and waiting, he decided to just start plunging into another big project to get that moving. And anytime I've seen throughout his career, he's talked about how

he dives into the next things. He has things on the go. He lets them go on the back burner when they're finished. Okay. Send them out. Let's see what comes out. And then he's onto the next thing. He's moving the train forward. He's creating his own purpose. And you know, whether you like or dislike someone's output, the fact that they have that philosophy makes them continually successful. It makes them not attached to one singular project, no matter how special it can be. We don't get precious about something because we realize we're the asset. As long as we have us, as long as we're creating, as long as we're able to make opportunities in our lives, yeah, people can say no, people can drift away, whatever. Some people don't text back. Okay, great. Well, I'm on to the next thing. I have bigger purpose here. I have bigger things occupying my thoughts. This is just

one other opportunity. It's a very, very powerful place to be. So go and start creating that in your own life now if you are waiting decide what is my bigger purpose what are the things that bring me meaning that bring me joy what some people I can connect to right now some problem I can solve some people I can help some way I can be of service these are all ways of getting greater purpose so that you're not that person fixated on, did I or did I not get a text back from that guy off Tinder? That's a low stakes, you know, it's a low stakes, low value thing to be concerned about. It's one thing. It's nice. It's lovely when people do reciprocate and the right people will. And when we have people who don't, we just aggressively filter them out. Okay, that person's not responding.

Great, my criteria is I need someone who thinks I'm the shit. I need someone who thinks I'm great. I need someone who's excited to talk to me. So next, move forward. Very, very powerful. Okay, that is it from me. I'm gonna go finish off the rest of my weekend strong.

I'm going to get some exercise in. I'm going to hang out with my family, have dinner, and probably have a little read, which my want is to read in the bath during lockdown. So I'm going to have a workout and then have a lovely bath and a read. I hope you take care of yourself. I hope you're being productive or creative. I hope you're connecting with the people around you. I will head off and see you next week. All right. Bye-bye.