Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 219: Is Your Ego Destroying Your Love Life?

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

Over the past 15 years, I've coached so many high-achieving individuals who seemingly have it all, but for whom finding love is a massive struggle. What's holding them back? FEAR. They fear that opening themselves up and facing rejection could shatter the identity they've built as a confident and accomplished person. To me, this is shame, as it is clear their ego is getting in the way of being happy.

Achieving something could be a big problem. You still inside have all your insecurities, but other people think you're the shit. And now you don't want to mess up that image you have with everybody else, right? It's Matthew. I am coming to you right now from Heathrow Airport in London, where I'm about to take a flight back to the States. But I wanted to drop in and share this clip with you. This is going to be particularly helpful if you're single and you struggle to meet people in real life. So I hope you enjoy it. And thanks for listening. A quick bit of news. We now have a date for the next in-person retreat of mine in Florida. It's going to be October from the 9th to the 15th. We're going to spend six days together working on the biggest challenges of your life. The things that hold you back,

the things that make it hard for you to feel confident, the things that get in the way of you dating and finding love. What are the deeper patterns that have been there a long time that you feel are impossible to shift? Those are the things we're going to work on together. You can come and apply by going to mhretreat.com. You'll see all of the information about the program. I really do hope to see you there in October so that we can spend six days together in person. I know this thing can punch me in the face. I know. You get in the ring,

you know something can punch you in the face. You go for a love life, you know it can punch you in the face. We heard that yesterday, right? Someone could break my trust. Someone can betray me. I go for something in my love life, I could get punched in the face. I go for a bigger goal in my career, I could get punched in the face. Some of us, by the way, never take a risk to get punched in the face in our career or our business. Some of us got used to it for a time when we were building something and then we got comfortable somewhere. I remember there was a time like this for building something and then we got comfortable somewhere. Right? I remember there was a time like this for me where I was just beginning of my business. When I was first starting out, I was very much used to being punched in the face. And then I got comfortable for a bit, got cozy where I was. Now that's fine by the way, if you're happy where you are, but if you don't feel like you're challenging yourself,

if you don't feel like you're pushing yourself in any way, sometimes that can be a route to unhappiness. Because I stagnate, I get bored, I feel like I'm no longer self-actualizing. The happiness that I got from challenging myself, I no longer get because I got comfortable. So now I value comfort over the task of progressing. And of course, the problem is when we achieve a little in life, it's not just comfort we get attached to. It's our own ego. It's our own validation because I did something well. I'm now known for doing something well. The risks I took in the beginning where I felt like I had less to lose, I don't want to take now because now I already have something going for me. Now people already think I'm somebody. Now it's a

little harder to take a risk. But it's harder just because we make it harder because we get attached to the validation, to the ego element of it. You know how many women I work with who have achieved a lot in their lives and one of the reasons they suck in their love lives is because they're too attached to their ego of who they are in life right now. So because they're the shit at work and because people think there's somebody or because people already think that they look confident, they're afraid to go and get rejected. They're afraid to suck at it, they're afraid to go and do something that could affect that identity they have for themselves as a together, hot, confident, successful person. And now the idea of going, I would never go over to a guy. What they really mean is my ego is too big.

My ego is too big. Because when your ego is not that big, what do you really got to worry about? I've got nothing to lose. I can run up to my Uncle Pete. My Uncle Pete is this high and he has this gear where he'll just go and run up to anyone, say anything to anyone or whatever. And I'm like, Pete kind of just ditches his ego in those moments and just goes for it. But it's like, it's not coming from a place of look who I am, right? When we develop this idea of look who I am, that's when we're fucked because we stopped taking chances. The videos that I made in the beginning that were creative and different and unique and special stopped getting made because now I'm playing it safe. Now what if I say something in the video and then it doesn't go well

or it doesn't get the same amount of views or whatever. You know the problem is achieving something could be a big problem because now you think you're the shit or other people think you don't think you're the shit. You still inside have all your insecurities but other people think you're the shit. Or other people think, you don't think you're the shit. You still inside have all your insecurities, but other people think you're the shit. And now you don't want to mess up that image you have with everybody else, right? That's death to growth.

So what we have to do is kill our ego, kill our ego, get in the ring and understand and be prepared to get punched in the face maybe for the first time in our lives maybe again maybe get used to having that feeling again okay i'm gonna get used to this again because i've been i've been in defense mode defense mode defense mode but i'm in the ring anyway so sooner or later i'm going to get hit. No, you're alive. So guess what? You're in the ring. So pain will find you even if you don't find it. And pain may not find you in the form of a failed business opportunity that you never took or a failed relationship that you never went for or a failed interaction where you never said hi in the first place. Pain may not

find you in that way, but it'll find you in other more subtle ways. And often the subtle ways are the worst. It's the drip, drip, drip, drip torture of you're not doing anything today. You're not contributing to your life today. You're not taking risks. You just saw another person you were attracted to and you did nothing.

You just saw another person you were attracted to and you did nothing. You just saw another chance to meet someone and you did nothing. You just saw another opportunity and you did nothing. You just saw another person you were attracted to and you did nothing. You just saw another chance to meet someone and you did nothing. You just saw another opportunity and you did nothing. You just had another weekend where you could have done something that contributed towards that thing

you keep telling everyone you're gonna do, but you never do, because you get more validation from talking about it than doing it, and you did nothing. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. You're lonely, not because you've been rejected, not because someone left you, but because you never try. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.

You're failing right now, not because you're actually failing, but because you're not even going for it. Drip, drip, drip, drip. You don't have a social life right now, not because you haven't gone out there and tried to meet friends or tried to make things happen, but because you're too afraid

to even put yourself out there and tried to meet friends or tried to make things happen, but because you're too afraid to even put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. That pain is constant. Getting punched in the face hurts, but so do the more subtle forms of pain that creep in. When our muscles atrophy, when we no longer have the stamina to be in the ring, but we're in the

ring anyway, when we're not prepared for pain because we've been hiding from it instead of learning how to defend against it, how to push back, how to go on offense. That's worse. Pain's part of life. We can either go find pain or it can come find us. I'd rather go hunt fucking pain down. Let me go find you and hunt you down, motherfucker, because I know you're coming for me. So I'm coming for you. I'll meet you in the middle. Let's go.

All right, I'm not going to hide in the corner. You're going to find me anyway. The ring's not that big. The ring's not that big. We're alive. We're in the ring. Ring's not that big. You're going to come find me anyway. Fuck it. I'll come find you. Let's do it. At least it's going to be on my terms

and at least I'm going to face pain going after what I want instead of defending against what I don't want. It's coming either way. Before you go, the MH Retreat is happening again this October. It's from the 9th to the 15th. It's taking place in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. We normally have more tickets left by this stage. There's less than normal. So if you know you want to come, if you want to do that deep work that is going to allow you to have a successful love life and be happy in yourself,

you need to be there with us. Go to mhretreat.com to get your ticket and to find out all about the event. I'll see you there. Thank you.