Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 226: 3 Lessons to Get Over a Break Up

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

I recently went through an experience that felt a lot like a break up. And today I want to talk about it.  If you've been through something like this, you'll learn one of the biggest insights that changes the entire meaning you take away from the experience of "getting dumped" ►► Pre-Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com ►► Access My Happiness After Heartbreak Series for FREE by Pre-Ordering Your Copy of Love Life Now. . . → http://www.HeartbreakSeries.com

Welcome Welcome back everybody to the Love Life Podcast. Just me today. We are trying something a little new. I have for the last few weeks in January been writing a weekly newsletter to everyone on our mailing list. This is something I haven't done for many years and I've been putting a lot of effort into it. I'm really proud of the letter that I send out every week and we thought it might be a fun experiment for me to do an episode on my own simply reading one of the newsletters I have written. So leave us some feedback afterwards, podcast at matthewhussey.com. Let me know what you thought of this format. It's not going to be the only format, of course, that we do. I'm still going to be doing lots of other episodes with

Audrey and there'll be some with Steven and obviously the interviews that I continue to do when I feel called to speak to a certain person on the Love Life podcast. But we want to mix things up and try new things and this is one of them. So let us know what you think by the end of it. And also before we start, I have something that I have created in the last few weeks that I am immensely proud of, which is a heartbreak expert series. If you are someone who is going through some kind of heartbreak in your life, whether it's recent or whether you have a longstanding heartbreak or a situation, not just in your love life, a situation in life that has broken your heart, because of course life is full of heartbreaks of all different kinds.

This is one of the most powerful things I think anyone could do to overcome their heartbreak is to participate in this expert series. I went in with the mission of taking people that I thought if I brought them together would be the kind of avengers of finding happiness after heartbreak. And so I spoke to Dr. Ramani, who is the world-leading expert on narcissism and deals with people in all different tremendous states of heartbreak every day of her life. I spoke to David Kessler, the world-leading expert on grief. I spoke to, and by the way, that interview along with Dr. Ramani's are two of the most powerful conversations I've ever had. I spoke to Dr. Nicola Pera, the holistic psychologist. I talked to Lewis Howes, Amy Porterfield, and several others.

It has become one of the things that I've created that is most valuable. And it's actually kind of a one-off thing. I haven't created this as a program that is intended for people to buy. I actually created it to be a thank you gift to all of the people who have supported me by pre-ordering a copy of my new book, Love Life, before it goes on sale officially on the 23rd. This expert series is going to be sent to everyone who's already pre-ordered a copy of the book, but you can still get it if you pre-order a copy right now until the end of this month. So it's a very, very powerful series. I really hope as many of you as possible watch and listen to it. It's going to help a lot of people and you can get the whole thing for the price of a book. To get it, go over to heartbreakseries.com.

There you'll be able to pre-order a copy of the book and you'll be able to sign up for the expert series so that you can watch all of the conversations I'm talking about and I promise you that by watching these your heartbreak is going to get better so this particular newsletter actually this wasn't a time where I got my heart broken it happens to relate to a work situation that happened, which I'll explain, but it did involve me getting dumped. And so I titled this newsletter, I got dumped in the second end of a phone call where I was getting fired by someone representing my company for services we had signed up for a couple of months back. If this phone call was happening in my personal life, I would have had to say I was getting dumped. My company was supposed to be working with this person and their team until at least midway through this year, and I had high hopes for the partnership. This call dashed those hopes entirely

and proceeded to terminate the arrangement way before its natural time was up. In the course of the conversation, which didn't last long, I was told we weren't compatible and that it just wasn't a good fit. God, I really did get dumped. I played the role of the dumpy well. I explained the reasons why I thought the relationship could continue, that we could resolve our differences, and that we could ultimately make it work. I don't know if I really believed

any of these things, but in the moment it was almost reflexive. But more than being a reflex, and despite having got off on the wrong foot, I was actually optimistic, I think, that we really didn't know each other that well yet, and that if we did get to know each other better, we might actually realize how great it could all be. It didn't matter. Their mind was already made up before they had gotten on the call. And every time I thought I'd provided sound logic to counter an argument that this person made about why it wasn't a match, another one sprouted up right behind it. Ultimately, I was told, the writing was on the wall for an unhappy relationship between our two companies. And they were letting me go. Before you think this company must have found my team

horrible to work with, it wasn't that. It was in fact that this person was quite sure they didn't and wouldn't vibe with me. Having finally admitted defeat, I wished this person well, they did the same and that was that. Upon finishing a conversation like this, most of us begin with the customary righteous anger. How could they? What were they even talking about? Their points made absolutely no sense. What a ridiculous and infuriating person. This is often the first line of cover we erect to try to shield ourselves from the inevitable attack that we know from experience is coming. Not an attack that's coming from the outside, but the one we know we are about to inflict on ourselves. What could I have done differently? Was I that bad? Did I say

something entirely unreasonable the last time we spoke? Oh God, have I just blown this whole thing with my actions? If left unchecked, this excavation of our actions becomes the basis of our self-loathing. It's the train of shame and self-blame hurtling towards the inevitable terminus. It was me who screwed it up. This, of course, is all the work of our old pal ego. Had we reached the conclusion ourselves that the relationship wasn't to be and been the one to instigate the breakup, we might have been disappointed, but our ego wouldn't rear its head in the same pernicious way. But having been on the receiving end, and at a time where we hadn't arrived at such a conclusion yet,

ego blinds us to the bigger picture, instead making it about our own worth. The post-mortem we do on the relationship, and part to play in its demise risks blinding us to the headline truth that if something blew up went wrong, but they got the punchline right. We just aren't compatible, at least in the context in which we were trying to make it work. Obviously, we have to reserve enough self-awareness to consider whether we did anything entirely heinous or extreme to frighten someone away. But if our only crime was in being ourselves and expressing certain needs, needs that any sensible friend around us would tell us aren't crazy things to ask for, then we have to chalk it up to incompatibility. It's important to note that doesn't mean that that person is wrong for not wanting to sign up to our particular needs.

It's not about right and wrong. It's about whether the puzzle piece of what you need fits with the puzzle piece of what they are able and willing to give and vice versa. And in this case, for me, the puzzle pieces didn't fit. In fact, they were bending each other out of shape. So what about you? Have you experienced a breakup, personally or professionally, where the pain of feeling like you were the one being rejected blinded you to the genuine incompatibility that was there. Did disagreeing with their specific reasons for the breakup or who was to blame distract you from the ultimate truth that you would have been unhappy in this relationship had it continued? And how could

you take ownership of the breakup by telling yourself that regardless of who pulled the trigger, your happiness was the winner and you would have ended up doing the same thing anyway. Remember, when someone beats you to the punch, your ego may feel like a loser, but the winner is your time and your happiness, which are infinitely more important. Key takeaways here. Some things just aren't a fit. Don't let ego and the direction of travel when it comes to the rejection blind you to that. Two, when someone calls it quits before you do, focus on the truth of the incompatibility, not the perceived rejection. Number three, someone had to pull the trigger. Only your present day ego cares whether it was them or you. Your future self and your happiness will simply be happy that someone did. All right. So let me know if you enjoyed this episode. Let me know if you found this format

valuable, or if you just enjoyed the change. Send an email to podcast at matthewhussey.com. Tell me what you thought and some housekeeping before you go. Remember that you can get access to the Heartbreak series by going and pre-ordering a copy of the book at heartbreakseries.com. This really is a special opportunity. This is the kind of program that had we created it as a heartbreak program would have been worth hundreds, if not thousands of dollars. And we have created it for free as a gift, just as a thank you for anyone who pre-orders the book this month. So make sure you do that. It is an incredibly valuable series and I don't want you to miss it. Go over to heartbreakseries.com to pre-order the book and get access to the series. And for anyone who wants to

tick something huge off of their bucket list this year, our retreat dates have been announced. The retreat is taking place from the 9th to the 14th of September in Florida, where we normally run it in Fort Lauderdale. People are flying in from all over the world to spend six days working on the deeper healing and changing the patterns that have been getting in the way of them either getting the results they want in their lives, not just their love lives, but their whole lives, or getting in the way of them enjoying their life by feeling happy and peaceful. If you want to work on these things with me live for six days in a beautiful location, then come join us. You can learn more at mhretreat.com. Thank you so much as always for listening to the Love Life Podcast. I so value you being here. I love having a podcast.

It's so fun, such a wonderful, enjoyable medium. And I just really appreciate every single one of you that listens each episode I'll see you next time