Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 243: How To Attract and Keep The Relationship You Really Want

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

Today Matt sits down with Lisa Bilyeu, author of Radical Confidence, to talk about how to escape our toxic cycles in relationships, overcoming low self-esteem, communicating with your partner (even when you have different love languages), attracting the right person, and how to figure out who is right for you. ►► Follow Lisa @LisaBilyeu ►► Get Your FREE Ticket to Find Your Person LIVE on May 4 PLUS a Chance to Win a 1:1 with Matthew & SO Much More! Order Your Copy of Love Life to Enter the Love Life Giveaway at. . . → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com

And so all these things were the signals that I had learned weren't the right signals for a healthy relationship for me. But the truth was, is that we have exactly the same value system. How did you know that? my friends today i have something so special for you on the love life podcast a dear friend of mine has come along to re-release her book, Radical Confidence, 11 lessons on how to get the relationship, career and life you want. Her name is Lisa Bilyeu. She is the entrepreneur, producer, bestselling author, public speaker, and host. She co-founded the billion-dollar brand Quest Nutrition and is the co-founder and president of Impact Theory Studios, a revolutionary digital-first studio that produces wildly entertaining and original content focusing on themes of confidence and empowerment. And she is joining us today to talk about a brand new chapter that she has added to this book on relationships and finding love.

I have never seen Lisa be as vulnerable and as open as she was in this conversation. She goes all the way back to before her marriage with Tom Bilyeu, to a time when she herself was struggling with confidence, where she was accepting toxic and difficult behavior from someone, where she found it hard to leave, and where she had to do the brave work of healing so that she could finally meet the person that was right for her. It is a powerful conversation. I am so excited for you to listen to this.

And we get to talk all about her brand new chapter in her book, Radical Confidence. This book is a great accompaniment to this conversation. So if you have not got a copy, grab a copy of the new paperback. It has just come out and I highly, highly recommend it. Lisa is one of the most authentic, bold, and unashamedly individual people I have ever met. And I am so excited, especially if you don't know Lisa, to introduce you to her in this conversation. I present to you, Lisa Bilyeu. Lisa Bilyeu, my friend. Welcome.

Matt Hussey, what up dude? It's so good to have you here on the Love Life podcast because I'm normally trundling over to your house where it's really hard to coax you out. And I have to come well into the lair in order to be with my friend Lisa and do the Women of Impact podcast, of course. But now I get you. I've kidnapped you. Uh oh, is it payback? Yeah, we've got you in our home for a six or seven hour podcast. And we get to talk all about you for a change oh no I want to talk about you Matt Hussey no no no I have so many questions for you today

this is exciting to me because not only are you releasing Radical Confidence in paperback on April 30th but there's a new chapter that you have added. And I know so many of my audience have already got the book and so many of them are going to want to now go and pick it up again for this chapter. The chapter itself, can you give us the name of it? Because it's so relevant to our audience. Yeah, absolutely. Leave the loser, choose yourself. Leave the loser, choose yourself. So why is it that we find it so difficult in your mind to leave someone who is bad for us? There's so many things, but ultimately it comes down to how do you feel about yourself when you're by yourself? And the truth is, if you don't feel good enough,

if you don't feel worthy, and there's someone lying next to you that just gives you even a crumb, it's that one moment of hope. It's that one moment of maybe I'm not worthless. Maybe I'm not a loser. All that negative voice that you have in your head. And so you look externally for that proof. Now, sometimes when it's a toxic person, they may know just enough. They may be nice just enough to hold you there. And that's the thing, is that if they were truly bad, if they were truly toxic, if they were truly no good for you, I think you would spot that immediately. There's no joy to your life. You leave them.

But they know exactly what they're doing. They know how to manipulate you enough. And look, I get it. That's where I was, where I was feeling completely insecure, completely worthless. And here was this guy that would come along and tell me I was beautiful. Now, in that moment, it made me feel good. If I felt good by myself, going back to the answer, how do you feel about yourself when you're by yourself? If I could validate myself if i could give myself that the words of encouragement then i wouldn't turn to somebody else but i didn't feel good about myself i did think that i was worthless and so i turned to somebody that just momentarily made me feel good and that every time you leave, you miss it. You miss the, Ramani calls it the euphoric recall. And so you recall those moments that made you feel amazing.

And those are the things you hold on to. Why do you think it is that we miss the great moments, but we don't connect to the absence of the bad things. Because when we leave, the bad things now are no longer in our lives in the same way, right? We're not getting the abuse or the toxicity. We might feel more at peace. You know, there's all these headaches and problems that we suddenly aren't experiencing every day by being away

from someone like that why is it you think we miss the good stuff but we don't connect to the bad stuff that we're no longer experiencing well okay I think it goes in stages so just like grief it goes in stages I think when you leave someone it I at least was had a phase and a steps that I would almost go through and it became this cycle. So he would do something terribly wrong, verbally abuse me, call me names. I was like, I'm leaving you, enough's enough. And you leave, you've got that anger, right? That anger will fuel you for like a day or two. Then the anger starts to dissipate a little and then it starts to become a little sad. And then that sadness starts to go into loneliness.

And that loneliness starts telling you something about yourself. For me, it was telling me that you're no good by yourself, that you had validation when you were with him. And so it slowly goes from, like almost think of a seesaw, right? Where you've got the weight of the toxic person, and then you've got the joy of leaving them

and it just starts to tip right and over time the weight of them like being toxic you're like okay I've had enough but then it just starts to slowly swing again in the other way and so the moments where you started to feel badly about yourself and you want to leave and you finally do, it starts to go away. And what you end up with are those moments that feel good because those are the things that I think almost like through evolution, right? It's like, okay, when something feels good, like sugar, what do you do? You seek for an abundance because you don't know when it's going to come back again. Well, obviously in today's society, that's now unfortunately equated to obesity but what's out of the heart right okay you keep going back to somebody who doesn't treat you well but it's because let's say society judges you for being single for being in your 40s and not having

anybody and so you have all this external dialogue that i think dictates how you start to show up that how you start to show up dictates your belief system and it goes both ways firstly take me back because when people see you today there is this this like lisa that is formidable and is powerful and you associate with just this this level of strength and confidence and boldness it would be hard for people i think to like try and picture you as in any way i don't know how you would have described yourself at that time but whether it's scared or down on yourself or meek or afraid. A chihuahua. A chihuahua, that's how you would describe yourself. So take us back to Chihuahua Lisa

and how do we get back to her from who you are today? Yeah, I definitely wasn't confident. My confidence came with time and age. And so back then, that was one of the reasons why I stayed. So I was 15 years old. I was bullied and teased. I didn't feel pretty ever. And at 15, there was a boy that was finally interested in me.

And so that alone became the validation that I'd been seeking, that the movies told me my whole life that I was going to get to. And because I didn't have the self-esteem and I didn't understand what a value systems meant, what my morals were, I didn't have the self-esteem, and I didn't understand what a value systems meant, what my morals were, I didn't have any boundaries, so along comes him, and I basically was like, oh, do what you can to keep the guy, and that was my MO, it was, oh, okay, he wants this, okay, then I'll do that, he wants me to dress like this, I'll dress like that, and in the moment, I got tremendous validation out of those, out of

that time because he would make a comment about another girl, oh look at her skirt, you should wear a skirt that short. Now what it was doing was triggering all of my insecurities, my jealousy and it gave me an option at the time. I was like, well if I want him to be attracted to me, I guess I'm going to have to wear a short skirt. And so I started to mold myself, not realizing it, into the person that he wanted. Now look, I don't think he was deliberate. He also was 15, 16. So it's not like he had this whole strategy where he's going down with this game plan. It just evolved enough where I think he realized certain things that he could say that would trigger me to then act. And before you know it, three years later, I'm a totally different human. I'm not standing up for myself. I have zero boundaries. And before you know it, three years later, I'm a totally different human.

I'm not standing up for myself. I have zero boundaries. And so when you asked me what type of woman was I, I was the chihuahua because the chihuahua is small and it freaking barks. Why does a chihuahua bark as much as it does? Because it doesn't know how else to protect itself. So it just keeps yelling as a defense mechanism that was me so over time I realized that almost the only way I could survive now I actually don't mean that for me like my actual life was at stake it wasn't but I mean emotionally survive was over time I gave as good as I got and so as he was toxic as his behavior escalated minded too and too. And I did become that chihuahua.

It was the only way I could survive. And so if he was going to yell at me, I started to yell just as much back. Now what that did, those entangled us even more, enmeshed us even more into that dynamic. And I didn't realize. And it wasn't until I had to just over time realize what relationship do I want? Do I actually want to be here for the next 20 years? He was diminishing my dreams. He was putting me down every step of the way. Do I still want that? And then it became at this pivotal moment where I just changed because

I was going to college. So I almost was thrusted out of that environment. And I think when you are pulled out of something, it's easier to easier to see you know that's why they call it the bird's eye view because you can really see what something is and so me going to college ended up being that kind of catalyst and that pivot of like I don't want this relationship in five years I don't want to feel like this in 10 years and so I was around new people learning new skill sets and boundaries is a skill set standing out for yourself is a skill set confidence is a skill set and so it just takes these little moments these little times that really do end up stacking up and like I was saying it's not just though in that relationship arena it is in

other places it was I was starting to do better in school I was starting to make better movies I was starting to actually do well I was starting to take all these different classes and pass them so I was building really the validation in myself in all these other areas that allowed me to not just necessarily rely on one person to make me feel good about myself hmm a lot of people when they go to find something else they don't know what the right thing even is. You know, they've experienced the wrong thing for so long or something that hurts them that it's, you know, Audrey always says, you know, chase the right things, you know, and she doesn't really mean chase. But like when we spend our lives chasing the wrong things it reliably makes us

unhappy so chase the right things but a lot of people don't know what the right things are what are those things that i should be gravitating towards how do i know them when i see them what should i be choosing based on so what when you met tom what what made you go beyond feeling attracted well i suppose at first were you attracted like was there an was there an attraction immediately and then how did it develop after that into something that you felt like was actually better and healthier and worth giving your time and energy to yeah so the funny thing is if we were um dating and we were on dating apps he would never have dated me and i never would have dated him why wouldn't you have dated we wouldn't have been matched um because on the surface at the time

i was 21 years old and thinking what i wanted wasn't actually what makes for a great relationship and so what i thought i wanted was like a guy with a really nice car and he puts on the suit and he wears cologne very all very visual right because I was kind of taught growing up in North London where it was like if a guy drove a nice car it means he could provide and growing up Greek Orthodox that was drummed into me every single freaking day was you need to find a man that's going to provide. So subconsciously, you're looking for these moments in these things that signal to you that this person can provide. And so that was one thing. Also, just people say, oh, you've got to do things that you have in common.

Tom and I literally opposing music. I get in his car and I call it the screaming music where it's just like head banging and screaming and I can't understand a word of it and I'm I love R&B and hip-hop so it's like all these little things that I thought I wanted where I thought okay the car he pulls up and he's driving this old man Buick and it's so dirty and his back seat is literally chocker full of just his garbage and his leftover clothes and it looked like a you know home storage or whatever you call it in his back seat and so all these things were the signals that i had learned weren't the right signals for a healthy relationship for me but the truth was is that we have exactly the same value system. How did you know that?

We didn't. And so it just developed over time. So what made you even give him a chance? Oh, he was hot as hell. I wanted a summer fling. Got it. We were both just physically attracted to each other. And on that first date,

the man opened his mouth with his first question, and I was like, you're fascinating. Like his questions were so like, they would test me and they would like really make me think about things yeah I've experienced my fucking experience of your husband I think it's been everyone's yeah and in that moment though it's just his fascination and his curiosity and I never had a conversation with a guy who actually cared about what I thought like actually cared and so when he's asking me like oh do you watch porn like he wasn't like hey do you watch porn you know like it wasn't like that he

was just like really curious about like oh yeah you know I hear women watch porn he's like I watch sex in the city so I can learn about women and And he would read the Cosmopolitan magazine. And he's like, so question number 27. You know, like he was truly fascinated. And that was the first time anyone actually cared about what I thought and how I felt. So that became the moment where I was like, huh, something is different about this guy. He didn't care about what restaurant we went to. It was like this old, like hole in the wall chinese like in a strip mall with a b rating with rips in the cut in the seats as our first date matt first date and so i

was expecting you know like five star because that was what i was used to again going back to where i was brought up and how i thought and so we walk into this really crap ghetto restaurant i'm like he brought me here and the poor man was like oh yeah I really love their food and he really meant it he just loved their food and so he didn't try and like you know catch the the fish and so I was just so appreciative of him being really in um naturally inquisitive of who I was and so that started to really evolve as our discussions as we started to date more and more that we were like we never watched television and we you know we would entertain ourselves we would

go and go on photo shoots we would take our cameras and we would go to the desert and do this photo shoot and then go back to his house and we he had this little green uh dark room and we would print our own film like you see in the movies where it's all red in there and so it really allowed us to appreciate the arts encourage each other's creativity no one had ever done that with me he was so curious he made me think about things he never pigeonholed me and so thinking about obviously all in hindsight what we were doing is we were understanding each other's value systems we were understanding what actually drove each other instead of just seeing what was on the surface

how did you stop yourself from being deterred by those things that normally would have been markers of like not for me it feels like thoughts over feelings i think i was thinking a lot i don't want a guy with this type of car I want somebody that's like this instead of actually going well why first of all why do you not want someone with a certain car or with a certain dress sense like why is that important to you um but once I started to realize that thought was oh god his car's really crap the feeling is oh my god he just opened the car door for me how romantic so it was that thought and then the feeling would come so the thought was oh my god we've gone to this terrible strip-born restaurant he listens to screaming music and then the feeling is wow he's just so beautifully curious and asking me questions because he actually seems like he

cares and so as the feeling started to escalate and get stronger, they started to overpower the thought. And that's when I realized all of my belief systems around who I wanted was all superficial. It was all things that were told to me or things that were shown to me growing up, whether that was from my grandmother who had an old Greek belief system,

whether that was TV, whether we want to blame Disney with all the movies that they made about the prince coming to save you. But the truth is, I think that I never really questioned my thoughts enough. I think what we forget is how much thoughts can get in the way of who we could be attracted to like if you've told yourself a story already that someone who dresses like that or someone who does that job or someone who whatever it may be it could be someone with that accent like there's so many ways that we disqualify people early on if you've told yourself a story that that's not what you're into then you're not even really open for attraction to even happen for chemistry to happen to even explore what you might have with someone so it's it's almost i suppose is it lucky that when you

saw him you thought he was hot probably there's a bit of like that was fortunate because it made you overlook certain things at least in the very beginning yeah well what's interesting as you're talking i was thinking there's almost like two paths right there's the person that was like nah they don't fit the mold that i think and they just dismiss them right that's you could be dismissing someone that actually could be perfect for you but then there's the other thing that people like i like this about them i don't like that i don't like that i don't like oh well we don't like that. I don't like, oh, well, we'll just change their dress sense. Oh, we'll just change his job. And the other one's just as dangerous where you get with them because you think I'm just going to change all these

things that I don't like. Instead of like saying, do I accept this person for actually who they are? If I can't change their clothes, if I can't change whatever you want to change about them, would I still want to be with them? Because I think you need to go into that relationship thinking that you're not going to change them. You shouldn't want to change them, right? If you don't like their dress sense, which I didn't like Tom's dress sense, I still tried to change him.

But it was like, I did that myself. But it doesn't, it only leads to him feeling badly about himself. Me put, it's like a weird dynamic, puts me in a almost like authoritarian position where it's like, no, I don't like your shoes. I don't like that. And that isn't healthy for a relationship. So I think ultimately you want to get to a place where you can accept them for just who they are.

Before we continue with the episode, whether you are old or new to the Love Life podcast, you may not know that we have a free training with me called Dating With Results, where over an hour, I am with you, showing you the foundations of creating the love life you want. Dating is hard. It is not easy. It is confusing. And we meet a lot of bad behavior, flaky people, people who don't want the same things as we do. And if we're not careful, we can waste an incredible amount of our precious time with the wrong people. Dating with results is about getting you the love life life the person that you deserve by showing you practical ways to start to make progress in your love life and find love faster so if you have not already please take advantage of this free training you can find it at datingwithresults.com. This is just one hour of powerful content for you

to help you in your love life today. So go to datingwithresults.com and watch it right now. All right, let's get back to Lisa Bilyeu. The second half of the title of this new chapter in the book is choose yourself, right? How to choose yourself. Firstly, what does choosing yourself mean and how does it lead to you being able to have the kind of boundaries that you suggested? What does choosing yourself mean and what is the practical side of that? Yeah, so choosing yourself means making sure that you suggested. What does choosing yourself mean and what is the practical side of that? Yeah, so choosing yourself means making sure that you are always firm on your values, no matter what somebody else coming along trying to change them or even just like nudge them over.

So it is making sure that you are always, you know your North Star and someone doesn't come along with a different compass to lead you astray. And even if you love them, even if you want to be with them. So choosing yourself when it's not easy. And I didn't do that over and over and over again. I chose him. I kept choosing him instead of myself. So I think it comes back to like, write out your value system. And what I mean by that is not like I like this music or your hobbies. A lot of people would write out their hobbies when you say your value system. It isn't that. Value system is like I value family and friendships over business and money. What if your value system is I value love over all else?

You know, I think love is the most important thing in the world. And so that value has made it so important to you to find love. And it also becomes the reason why you overlook so many things, because in your mind, you're like, I just, this is the most important thing in the world for me to find. And I will never be happy until I find it, because this is the most important thing to me world for me to find. And I will never be happy until I find it because this is the most important thing to me. It's more important than business. It's more important than success or status or anything else. What if your value is leading you to those kinds of situations where you overlook a lot? All right. So put it like like this how much do you love your wife oh that's a difficult

question to answer an unimaginable amount i don't know how to describe it would you say that you love her more than you value your own life sorry is this a tom billiou interview this is like this is like a tom billiou scenario choose you're right sophie's choice your wife or yourself well here's here's what i go on if someone breaks in yeah no i choose i've yeah i put my life on the line 100 okay amazing but if you're on a plane and it's going down do you put the oxygen mask on yourself first or do you put it on her myself why because they always say you don't want to get in trouble with your own oxygen mask before someone else is well because if i if i yeah if i if i um if if i can't breathe and I die first, then I can't even be of service.

Exactly. That's exactly how I feel about love. Is that, yes, like I love my husband so much. He would hate it if I did that, but I would jump in front of a bullet for him. Hells yes, wouldn't think twice in a heartbeat. But the truth is when it comes to love, if you don't put yourself first,

how can you be there for them? Like if you really love Audrey and you know life's never going to be easy and you actually want to be there for her, you want to be there for her when she's struggling, you want to be there for her when she's going through these different things in life. If you don't take care of yourself, how are you going to be there for her? So i think of it like that where it's like yes love may be your most important thing but love doesn't mean then sacrificing yourself in service of it when you had a girls night recently and you audrey was just popping out for a couple of hours and then came back like seven hours later um and you said there was a piece of advice you gave to audrey that will

help so many women so i don't know what this is and audrey didn't tell me this so i want to hear this all righty then audrey so we were talking about wait wait wait before you do this oh yeah where should people go to get the book is there a specific website yeah so um if you buy the book anywhere but then you go to radicalconfidence.com there's a bunch of bonuses so tom and i actually did an exclusive hour coaching class um and it hasn't ever been released and so we're offering that for free that's so good literally me and tom i think we actually made bicker in the middle of it or something like that i believe that surprise yeah yeah um so and then you get like a workbook that also goes with the with the book and so you can actually take like workshops and stuff like

that so you can go to radicalconfidence.com once you're going to want to do it just for that conversation between tom and lisa because it is never dull Watching you guys give relationship advice is one of the great joys of my life. Radicalconfidence.com is that link. Amazing. So yeah. So I was telling Audrey about one of the biggest arguments that Tom and I are still working through right now. And this happened years ago and we're still talking about it. So I watched an interview.

I think it was like a roundtable with Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith. And they were talking about one of their biggest conflicts. And it was that Jada just wants to be with Will, and Will thinks he has to give her a lot of things. So he builds this house, and he's like, I'm doing it for my family. And she's like, you're spending too much time on it, I just want to be with you. He's like, what do you mean? I'm'm doing it for my family. And she's like, you're spending too much time on it, I just wanna be with you. He's like, what do you mean? I'm building this house for my family. And he's spending all this time building and building. She's like, I don't want it, you're doing it for you.

And he's like, no, no, I'm doing it for my family. So then he buys her this massive house and she's like, I didn't even want the house. And so they kind of move on, but he's just really upset that she's not happy. So then it's like her birthday. And she's like, I just want something mellow, really intimate friends, like really just us lot. And he throws a massive surprise birthday party. And he's like, I did it for you. And she's like, what he didn't realize is that over and over and over again, he keeps doing all of this work

and all of this effort and showing up thinking that it's for me but really it's to fill his own ego and he's sitting there going yeah you're right it is my own ego and I was like oh my god this is me and Tom he does it for himself thank you the smiths I feel like I've just taken the blinders off wow this is changing my. I can't wait to tell Tom. I sit him down. I'm like, babe, I can't believe this. I just discovered this. And he looks at me after I'm like, and babe, you're doing it all for you. And he looks at me and he's like, you've missed the point. I was like, what do you mean? He's like, that's not accurate at all. And actually it's the opposite. And I'm like, what do you mean? So it turns out what I've realized after all these years, 23 years of being with my husband, guys, I finally, finally figured this out.

He says, babe, I do it for us, but it's not that I want you to be appreciated. Like, not just that I want you to thank me for it. I want you to actually appreciate the fact that I'm doing it for us. And I was like, well, but if it's, if you'm doing it for us and I was like well but if it's if you're doing it for you who thinks it's doing it for us and I just want to spend time with you I actually appreciate the time with you not the time that you're putting to do this thing for us and we I just couldn't understand his position and he couldn't understand mine I kept saying you're doing it for you and I respect that and he's saying I're doing it for you and I respect that. And he's saying, I'm doing it for us and I want you to appreciate. So I'm like, but how do I appreciate

it when you're taking away the thing that I want, which is you? So it was this head to head conflict where he wants something that I feel like is the opposite of what I'm looking for and we just kept coming to a head and so what I said to Audrey is let me save you because she was like yeah you know Matt loves doing what we're doing we're building this business together but you know he's really doing it for himself I'm like don't tell him that do not say that to him and let me save your relationship what you need to do is you need to pull him aside and say Matt I know that you're doing this for us and I appreciate all the time that you're taking to do this for us and also I'd love to spend more time with you but if like I was like I don't want you to do it for me I want you to spend more time with me i was actually not understanding what

his love language was and it was a language of appreciation for how hard he works and if all i do is complain about how hard he works he interprets that he interprets it to mean that i don't respect how hard he works and so i'm in the process of figuring out how i show him my appreciation and i show him the respect but i also get what i want which is more time with him it's complex what's your thinking on all of this, Matthew? What do I think about all this? I think... Oh, this is so complicated. I think...

So Tom needs you to acknowledge that he's doing it for the two of you. To show my appreciation that he's working as hard as he is for us both and i used to say to him you're doing it for yourself so that you feel a certain way about how you show up in the relationship because he wants to say i'm as because this is like a source of validation for him that he gets to provide impress do these things correct this is a big part of his identity correct is doing these and i'm saying that i do not value what he is doing god God, that's complicated. So, yeah.

Because he'd have to, because you could say, I want you to do this less and give me what I really want, which is time. Correct, correct. But he'd have to change his entire way of his entire kind of how he identifies. He would have to change his value system.

So now actually looping everything together, when I said, what's your value system? He would have to change his entire value system of who he is as a man to show up in this relationship. Yes, and what gives him value as a man right correct yeah and so here's his i'll tell you how i'm now handling it so instead of thanking him and appreciating how much he works i pick specific things so for instance he always handles all the legal issues that our company ever has and it's because i really don't want to deal with legal stuff. And so I just say, I really appreciate how much you take off my play and handle the legal issues.

I really appreciate the intensity in which you showed up for your interview today, right? So let's say he takes 10 hours to prep for an interview. And I'm like, I don't want him to prep for 10 hours. I don't say that, but let's just say for argument's sake, instead of me complaining, instead of me going, you're doing it for you, I can actually understand where his value comes and say, I appreciate how seriously you take your role in the company so that you show up and actually nail that interview.

Right, so I'm showing my appreciation for that. But that doesn't mean that I'm silent about what I need. So then that's the next part, where I'm like, I need, right, so you actually separate the two. It's not, I want you to not work so that I can spend time with you. It's, I want to show my appreciation for everything you do. And also I would like to spend more hours with you. Let's, how do we do that? And so you actually separate the two. This was my new strategy where you separate the two. Now he still feels very valued. He still feels very appreciated. I'm able to say that I appreciate him without lying because that was the thing. I'm never

going to say it back. And that was my sticking point. And I'm like, but I don't appreciate how long you work. And I don't appreciate how the hours you put in because I'd rather you be with me. So now I just pivot and I say, I appreciate the what you do. And I would appreciate if you can schedule some time to spend with me. So you're separating the two. You're making them feel very valued and very valuable in what they do and how they show up. But then you're also addressing your needs. It's freaking complex. And this is why when it comes to relationships, you want to know how Tom and I have worked for 23 years.

Because we're willing to do this type of work where it's like, oh, that's so nuanced. That's so detailed. But you said this word. Okay, well, what does this word mean to you compared to what this word means to me? Oh, got it. I can't say that word because actually, you think that that's an insult. I don't mean that word as an insult. Like for instance, if I call you dude, right? Like some people are like, oh, she called me dude or homie. Oh my God, she called me homie, she's one of my homies. Some people see that word as an insult. So understand the words you use with your partner

so they can hear the message you actually mean, not the message that they interpret what you're saying in. It's freaking hard. It's so complex, but I won't give up, Matt. I won't give up. And so that's where two years ago, we went from that whole like the appreciation thing. And I'm like, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to say that I appreciate you working this hard because I don't to now where you find me today, a couple of years later, finding the nuance so that I don't lie so that he still feels

valued. And so that we're still communicating. I didn't give up. He didn't give up. We didn't dismiss each other. I didn't make his values seem pathetic or mine seem pathetic or, you know, demean each other because that's where relationships end up going. You don't get what the other person's saying. You either demean them, you brush past it, you make them wrong, or you pretend it doesn't happen none of those will resolve this specific issue and i'm just telling you men want to feel appreciated and that was my conclusion with audrey i was like no matter what happens no matter what he wants to feel appreciated for how hard he works interesting i would add a nuance to that because when i think about that for myself and tom and i

we share some dna in the way we're engineered and other areas we're very different when i think of how hard i work and when i think of the my ambition over time and how that's manifested at different ages and it certainly manifests in some ways similar today as it always has but also very differently today than it maybe say I it's it's nice to have appreciation for how hard I work but I think what makes me feel seen as well is appreciation for how hard it is for me to unwire that like do you want to unwire how hard you work yes oh interesting yeah that's where i mean me and thomas slightly were different because for me i want to find a rhythm that is better in life i'll never not work hard because it's kind of not i'm not engineered to not do hard things but the mutation of that is the like masochistic level of working the level of working that ceases to make work fun where it's no longer enjoyable it's's just, I'm always operating at this near overload.

And I would say what would make me feel very unseen is if Audrey had no context for why I'm like that and where that comes from in my life. And instead just said, basically shamed me for like working as hard as i do or for like always working or for as opposed to when this is where audrey is as you know a jedi is with empathy and because she understands there's a like my nervous system is very much trained to feel in danger if I'm not killing myself and that there's a lot of unwiring that has to happen for me to slow down and that

that's a process and it takes a lot for me to do that that acknowledgement of how hard it is for you to shift this because of your history and because of your background and because of your influences in life that acknowledgement of how hard it is for me to shift that is one of the things i would say that means the most that in a way that's like a form of appreciation for me is that i appreciate that your wiring is different to mine and a you get more enjoyment out of going this crazy than i do but b it's also harder for you to unwind because you have your own set of influences that have made you feel like in order to be safe you have to kill yourself working really hard um but it's really interesting and if nothing else i think what it proves is understanding the engineering of your partner and truly empathizing

and showing that you see them yeah for their engineering is so valuable and that's what what's so clear about you and tom is that you just you have studied each other and by studying each other you've just made it so that no one else could ever come close to making you guys as happy as the two of you make each other because you two have like spent time on that manual of each other's brains like no one else has yeah and that i find that inspiring and it's something me and audrey look at you guys and we're like there's something so special about their relationship there's something so special about what they've figured out and it's it's very very inspiring to us so yeah thank you thank you

yeah well thank you for sharing that and i think that that really it goes back to knowing the partner and the appreciation part of it right the work thing is just like my example with tom but he loves working as hard as he does right so he it's not like he um draining himself he feels shitty like it's like oh my god this is an addiction that i need to unwire like he actually likes working that hard because it gives him a sense of satisfaction. But to your point, it's really the fundamental thing of what is your partner doing? And ultimately people want to be appreciated. I don't care who you are,

whether it's your business partner, friends, romantic partner, every single person wants to be seen. And I think you said the word scene and that really actually hit me i think that's what i mean by appreciation it's like you want to be seen for exactly what you do and who you are and the problem is in relationships you you view it from your lens and so if you view something from your lens and you're echoing how you would feel if you were in their position you may be either demeaning or not showing appreciation or respect to the other person because they just have a different view

system a different you know lens that they're looking through and so one of the things even when I get asked like what's the number one thing for a relationship it's like not only is it communicate but you have to actually understand the words that you're using in that communication and that ended up being a big thing because he was saying like appreciate and I'm like well what but you have to actually understand the words that you're using in that communication. And that ended up being a big thing because he was saying like, appreciate. And I'm like, well, what does that mean to you? Like, what does appreciation mean to you? Like, how does someone showcase that? Because what that means to me is going to be very different. You may buy me flowers and all of a sudden I feel appreciated, but if I bought you flowers, not so much. So what does that look like?

And so that was where we really refined, okay, this is what it means for Tom, but I don't want to lie if I don't appreciate it. So how do I navigate making sure that I'm able to give my husband what he needs, but always staying true in my own self, back to my value system. My value system says I'm always going to speak truth, even if it hurts somebody. So how can I make sure that I stick stick to my value system i'm always truthful with tom but i'm showing him the appreciation and so that's kind of where it came from and so i just anyone listening whether you're if you're not single and you're in actually a relationship ask your partner how can i show my appreciation and if you are single write down right now how

you want to be seen how you want to be appreciated so that you know, so that by the time you get into a relationship, you've got the words that you can articulate to your partner in order for them to be able to show up and do it. But if you don't know and you're expecting your partner to figure it out, then it's like literally closing your eyes, have given me a dart and hoping me to hit a bullseye, like spinning me around and then hoping. It's like, well, not so much. So making sure that you're utterly clear on what that looks like, I think is really

the key to it all. I am so excited that you are releasing this paperback. I know that people are going to get so much value from it. We have talked all about relationships today, but this book, I mean, this book is a manual for people for confidence in so many areas of life. Not only does it take people on a journey of what you've been through and how you've risen to this place of confidence, but you know, I'm literally looking at the content section now and there's that your dreams are a gamble bet on yourself make up your mindset validation is for parking um it's there's so much good stuff in here i love that it can be applied to business and taking risks i love that it can be applied to yourself in your with your family

with your friendships and the way you show up there. I love that it can be applied to romantic relationships. It just, you know, to me, one of the most powerful ideas is just this idea that you can change. And it's so, so simple as to be laughable. But just for me, that concept, I'm watching my mom now, now she's in her 60s and i'm seeing her make these extraordinary subtle but profound changes in what she accepts in life what she doesn't accept how she shows up the way she sees things the way she sees herself and it is the most inspiring thing in my life right now is like watching the ways my mom is changing in this chapter of her life. And I think that's because at its essence, it just validates that idea that you can, it doesn't matter where you are in your life

or what you've been through or what age you are, you can actually change. you'll never get a personality transplant that you don't need one there are subtle changes you can make that drastically change the results that you get in your life and what i love is that this book gives people a manual for making those changes it's a wonderful wonderful book i hope everyone goes and gets a copy it's called radical confidence uh 11 lessons on how to get the relationship career and life you want and it now includes a brand new chapter that is focused on leaving the wrong kind of love and choosing yourself. Lisa, I love you. Thank you so much for being here.

This is such a joy. And let us know what you think as well. Leave a comment. Let us know what spoke to you the most about this episode. Let us know what hit you the hardest. What do you take away from this? And we'll see you next time on the Love Life podcast. Be well and love life.

Thank you so much for listening, everybody. If you haven't already at some point during the conversation, grab a copy of Lisa's book, Radical Confidence, 11 lessons on how to get the relationship, career and life you want. The link to get the book, career, and life you want. The link to get the book is radicalconfidence.com. So go and check that out. And thank you as always for listening to the Love Life podcast. By the way, quick note before you go. We have our retreat coming up this year from the 9th to the 14th of September. Now, we did just release a

brand new book. It has meant that my face and name has been absolutely everywhere for the last couple of weeks and the amount of demand for the retreat has gone way up. I am saying this to you, dear listener or viewer on YouTube, if you have been considering the retreat for some time and you don't want to have to wait another whole year and a half to be able to come to be with us on the retreat in Florida, now is the time to go and sign up. It is at mhretreat.com. We are already two thirds full on the program. We are getting more full all the time. It's a live event. There are a set number of seats. So once they're gone, they're gone. If you want to do the deepest work with me and my team in person for six days, then go to mhretreat.com

and check it out. In the meantime, until I see you in the next episode, be well and love life.