Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 246: Q&A Episode! Answering YOUR Dating Questions

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

We answered YOUR dating questions! Join me and my wife Audrey as we dive into fears of cheating, red flags on dating apps, confusing post-break up texts and more!  ►► Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com   ►► FREE Video Training: “Dating With Results” → http://www.DatingWithResults.com   ►► Get Vulnerable Stories, Real Insights, and Practical Tools Delivered Straight to Your Inbox Every Friday. Sign up Now For My Free Weekly Newsletter, The 3 Relationships at . . . → http://www.The3Relationships.com

and then underneath he seems to have posted some kind of picture of himself he needs to get in the bin in the bin what is that message Welcome to Love Life with me, Matthew Hussey and Audrey Hussey. Hello. You said that so funny. Thank you. I'm not sure that was a compliment, but okay. We are doing a little bit of a different episode today we're going to read some listener questions and just comments that have been sent in to podcast at matthewhussey.com every once in a while we want to come along and do something a little different for you guys so i'm not going

to read the names of these just in case people you know don't want their names yeah for sure so uh this person will call her amanda says i'm in a relationship with a man i love dearly someone i met after doing your online retreat and reclaiming my confidence and finally being able to communicate my boundaries and standards. But this one thing has been a recurring issue. We've been together for four years and from the start to now, I have had women after women message me that he was being unfaithful, sending me screenshots of their DMs. Up until now, I have been able to let it go by going off the logic that he defended himself with, that they are photoshopped. But my

hope begins to fade. I remember watching an old YouTube clip of yours of you helping a woman through the limiting belief that all men cheat and how you reiterated not to go through their phone because if you had to the relationship was already over or something like that i don't exactly remember what i said but i get the gist and i've held myself to that standard the entire time but at this point when considering that this is the man i hope to marry i can't help but wonder if i don't find out now then it will be too late when does it make sense to look through someone's phone because you know in your heart that's the only way you'll ever know the truth versus keep chugging along in the dark hoping the secret never comes to the surface thank you so much

with love and gratitude, Amanda. Oh, I wasn't, I didn't know what this question was going to be. Did I? You don't, I've, I've picked a few to read. You don't know any of them. No, I didn't know that. What's your instinct? I feel like rapid fire.

So my gut instinct is Occam's razor. Occam's razor being? Being the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. And I think if multiple people are messaging you, it's probably the case that it's true. To be clear, she says, we have been together for four years. And from the start to now, so we're talking four years i have had woman after woman woman after woman message me that he was being unfaithful and sending screenshots of their dms yeah so that is not one woman who has something against him or has some jealousy of your relationship who is like deranged and is

trying to ruin a good thing that you have and is just when you imagine the orchestration that it would take for a whole network of women to get together and say let's all lie let's all create photoshop screenshots of him dming us uh so that we can ruin this relationship of yours yeah it is so far-fetched i know it's so it's so sad though i think what um she needs to do and what i would do in that situation is i would say to him on a random on an idle tuesday i would say to him babe this has been really getting to me it's been really on my mind it's been bothering me I know you say they're photoshopped but can can you show me your messages if you have nothing to hide I'm sorry I will never ask you again if I don't find

anything if you show me and there's nothing in there I'll never ask you again but can you show me your dms messages well I think that's step one okay i think that's step one to uncovering it i think if he willingly is like hey you go have a look at everything and there's nothing then i think it's step two which is checking in with yourself and going even though he has so like quote unquote proven that there's nothing in there as you say they could be deleted to the point you're making what does my gut tell you tell me on this if so many people have messaged and I think that at that point you just have to go even if it's a retroactive decision you just have to go and confront him about it and say I don't believe you I know I know you've shown me no messages but I don't believe you Don't believe you. You could have deleted them.

It's really weird that many people sent me this. And reach back out maybe to even to the people who messaged you and find out, ask more information. I don't know whether or not she bothered to have conversations with those women. And that's a really painful thing to do, by the way. Like I think like having somebody message you saying your boyfriend or your partner's been unfaithful um and then having to kind of almost go back to the very person who they've been unfaithful with and say hey can you give me more information it's embarrassing so i understand if she didn't even respond to those messages and was like i'm taking his side it's it's a normal reaction but i would almost be like maybe these women are kind of almost your allies in this moment because if they've bothered to

reach out to you, then you're more likely to get the truth from those people than you are from him at this stage. I'm so sorry that she's going through that. I'm really sorry. If you're listening, I'm so sorry that that's happening to you. Really, to me, it doesn't feel good. And I just think confronting him head on when he's not expecting it,

so you can get the truth. And the truth is, if he's been getting away with getting away for four years you've never gone through his phone multiple women have messaged you'll find something amanda i'm so sorry that you're going through that but let me tell you what's more painful than the short-term pain of actually confronting this situation is the long-term pain of marrying someone who validates this concern years into marriage this one is from someone else again I will choose a different name but Susan says this person broke up with me in a ruthless way and reappeared after two months with the following message. What does this mean? And why would he send me a photo of himself?

Very bizarre. What's the message? Dear Susan, I am not sure if you will get this message, but I want you to know I am sorry for how things ended and how I made you feel at the end. I wish we could have one more heart to heart conversation over the phone or in person. One where I could let you know how much I respect, admire and just think you are incredible. But no matter what, I wish you the best and know you are going to flourish in your career and life

and then underneath i can't see the full photo but there's a half a photo of like he seems to have posted some kind of picture of himself he needs to get in the bin in the bin what is that message what is that message this i have to assume it is some kind of retroactive guilt for well what's with the picture the picture's weird the picture is so weird and but also it's like i wish i could have one last phone call to tell you what a good girl you are, Susan. Yeah, nothing to do with like I've had a change of heart. Oh, I'm really sorry for the way I behaved. I was an absolute douchebag in the end who hurt your feelings because I broke up with you in a brutal way. This screams to me.

Have a photo of me. This screams to me. It is playing on my conscience the way i broke up with you it is affecting me somehow i still want to be liked i still want to be thought of as a great guy his social acuity is so bad that he thinks that this is going to do the trick? I think if I were you, Susan, I would see it as quite cringe, which should give you some nice fodder to get over him. Because really it's kind of cringe and embarrassing and really weird.

And so I would just, every time I would be thinking, oh my God, like I'm upset. He broke up with me and this and that i just refer back to this weird message and just be like oh my god he's so cringe yeah that's what i would do sasha says hi matthew steven audrey and team i am a 31 year old female i've been on dating apps for years and I have not yet found a connection with the raw materials that could lay the foundation for a healthy, committed partnership. I wanted to ask about something that piqued my curiosity. I'm noticing more and more men, typically ages 29 to 38, are writing something along the lines of,

I'm looking for someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously. What on earth does that mean? I'm assuming that even pondering this question automatically disqualifies me as someone who is too serious. So this isn't likely my pool of compatible people, but I'm simply curious to understand. For the most part I've always assumed that seeing this on a profile was a telltale sign that the individual themselves likely wasn't looking for a serious relationship slash partner or was looking for someone low maintenance but recently I'm wondering if there's something different that can be taken away from this messaging. Is there any deeper intention behind someone soliciting a partner who

doesn't take themselves too seriously or is it best to just accept that at face value thanks for any thought and consideration i appreciate the insight and perspective that you offer on so many levels of life and human behavior thanks pickles that was for steven she says oh so sasha's the men who put on their profile i'm looking for someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously well i i didn't realize this was a phenomenon then lots of people did this i didn't either i can it makes sense to me that that people are putting it for me it doesn't I don't feel like it's that bad it almost sounds to me like looking for someone who is a bit carefree and isn't going to kind of come into this with like a heavy energy which obviously you know is a little bit

can have its so is your view that these men are coming off the back of like having met too many women who are bringing a very heavy energy to the dating process do you get the sense that it's another way of saying somebody who isn't looking for anything serious but without saying it because they know it would instantly disqualify them jeremy what's your what i'm curious what do why do you think men are putting they want someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously on their profile because uh because it sounds like a guy who's been yelled at a lot jeremy says this sounds like a guy who's been yelled at a lot so he's like you're you think he's like he he's just had enough and he's like i

just need someone more light-hearted yeah i mean it's a red flag it's a red flag you think it's a red flag it seems like it seems like women have like had problems with things that he's done in the past and this is a guy who's like been in trouble with women so your your view is that he's this is a red flag because it's a sign that he's been in trouble for things he's done in the past and he's over being in trouble for that. But she's saying, she's saying like loads of men are doing it. Is that loads of men? That makes sense. Loads of men are just sick of being called out for the things they're doing wrong.

Can I also say just as a, as a side note, I don't really like it when people on their dating profiles are like I am looking for this it's like what the hell do you bring to the table do you know what I mean like stop coming in like with all your demands and instead be like here's what I bring well don't some prompt you don't they they probably prompt you in the direction of saying what you're looking for maybe not yeah I know I'm sure they do but like the fact that that's your answer what i don't like about it whether or not it's truly a kind of red flag what i don't like about it is i read that in the negative as opposed to the positive like it's not someone saying looking for someone you know playful and with a great sense of humor it's not someone saying looking for someone, you know, playful and with a great sense of humor. It's looking for someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously.

Like I can't help but read that with like a hint of edge. Yeah, of course. And so it doesn't. I think that the irony, Sasha, is that you can be someone who is approaching dating with nothing but fun and sincerity or a good attitude and it's almost a it is kind of a line that I can see how that would throw you off because it means you're like you're starting from a place of going am I taking myself too serious it's already got you in your head sasha about whether you're taking yourself too seriously so it's kind of i do find it to be a comment with a little bit of edge and i and i don't like the idea of like not to get too deep into it but i do

i don't love the idea of like people who are making themselves the arbiter of whether someone takes themselves too seriously or not but that's sort of the point i was making is like going into dating apps being like no crazy people no this no no you know like it's fine to be like i don't want someone who smokes because i hate smoking like that's different but if it's like i'm looking for someone who's like this and who's not like that and who's it's it's just coming in making all these demands before you've even shown your own value like all he's doing is just coming as his negi and then it's like well then you don't want to match with him because he's all like i kind of think it's like a person who's a vegetarian instead of writing that they're

a vegetarian writing looking or no i someone who doesn't yeah exactly like someone who doesn't think that eating animals isn't immoral like or it's like a meat eater who's like looking for someone who doesn't you know cry over eating a steak it's like instead of just being who you are yeah it's it's a little bit of edge around who other people are you know I think I'm sort of with you I don't want to read too much into it because I don't know but Sasha I do I do get I get why this has got in your head and I don't think you're wrong for detecting like a little bit of edge in that comment I agree and I it's kind of for me it's like in the beginning I don't think it's like a red flag don't match with him and never speak to him again, run away.

And I don't think it necessarily suggests that he doesn't want, or they don't, these men don't want a relationship. I think they're kind of separate, but it does sort of suggest something about that person's personality and character. Yeah. I think, Sasha, I'm with you. I might be a little put off by that comment. Hmm. Sasha I'm with you I might be a little put off by that comment so this was sent in who says dear Matthew and Audrey thank you so much for your podcast I hope you'll give my voice note a listen and see what you think about the idea of broadening your topics to reflect a wider range of minority dating experiences So I haven't heard this yet, but I'm curious about what he says. Hi, Matthew and Audrey. First off, thank you so much for your podcast, which has been super

helpful and informative to me. And I know to millions of other people. I'm calling today because even though your podcast has been incredibly enlightening to me, I've often felt like it doesn't reflect a lot of my life experiences or the life experiences of people like me. It seems to me like the vast majority of the podcast takes a very sort of heteronormative approach to dating. It assumes certain gender roles. It assumes that people are straight. And also it doesn't mention any other kind of sort of minority difference that might have impacts on people's dating experiences or relationship experiences. So I identify as a queer and transgender person. And I'm also someone with a physical disability that is not always visible. So there are certain kinds of challenges that I face in dating that I would love to hear a podcast like yours talk about. And I really haven't seen them represented anywhere. Questions like when and how

might you disclose your transgender status or talk about your sexuality or show up to a date with a disability if, say, your dating profile did not make that visible. Yeah, how do you navigate that? And how might that impact also your self-esteem, your tendency to get into certain kinds of relationships or a difficulty with choosing better, healthier ones. I think there's a whole series of issues surrounding minority identity and queerness that your podcast could represent. And I would love to see you do that, maybe with guests who have some of those experiences or experts in those fields, because your podcast already has changed my life

and I know it changes many people's lives for the better. Thank you so much. I think that's a really good piece of feedback. I love it. Yeah, we should do that. I wonder if I'm going to say Danny for now. I wonder if Danny would be interested in maybe even joining us for a conversation.

Wow. Yeah, that'd be so fun. I have no idea if Danny, and I don't know, Danny, what your pronouns are, because I don't think you state them in the email, but I, Danny, if we could maybe have a conversation with you, wouldn't even have to be you on video it could just be audio but maybe you could actually tell us about your experiences you know I don't think either myself or Audrey would claim in any way to be an expert on the kinds of issues that you might be facing but i have always found in life that there is a universality to what we all go through and that while it feels like these situations are

so different on the surface that they have so many common things at their core, but that doesn't make me an Audrey expert in your particular challenges. It does make us people that would love to talk to you and to see if we can arrive at some principles together that could help a lot of people like you, not just yourself. So, um, Danny, if you're willing, we'll email you because danny obviously you know danny's not your real name um but we'll email you and we'll see if you're open to having that conversation and even if you're not danny which would be totally understandable if there is anyone out there who would love to have that conversation with us then we would love to have that conversation because we, you know, my history in doing this has been that I have been largely for a long time aiming this advice at women, but over time it has grown

and grown and grown to the point where now we have all genders listening to us. We have all sexual orientations. Everyone is listening to this at this point. So for us, it's a, firstly, it's a joy to know Danny, that you're listening and you're enjoying our work. And it also would be a joy to create more work that's relevant to you or that you feel speaks to your particular challenges. So I love that. Thank you for, for leaving us this voice note. I'm also going to check Danny with you that you're okay for us to play that voice note. Um, cause I want to make sure that you're okay for, for us to do that. But, um, but thank you. Keep sending us emails podcast at Matthew Hussey.com. We'd be excited to hear from you. And if you haven't

already go sign up to my brand new newsletter, The Three Relationships, which is a free newsletter that I'm releasing every Friday, letting you know philosophies, principles, ideas, strategies that can help you in all three of the big relationships in your life, your relationships with other people, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with life itself. It's a newsletter I'm putting a lot of energy into. It will be, I promise you, a newsletter that you actually look forward to every week that's incredibly value-driven and you'll get it in your inbox this Friday if you sign up today. So go to the3, that's the number three, the three relationships.com.

And you can sign up right now for free. Thank you everyone for listening today. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Let us know if you enjoyed this format. Audrey, great wisdom as always. You really caught me off guard with some of these. I wasn't expecting it. I feel like I was outraged for half the episode.

Well, normally it's you catching me off guard. That's true. So it's nice to kind of switch it up. You're a bit better on the fly than I am. No, you were great. But thank you all for listening. We will speak to you in the next episode of Love Life. Be well and love life.

Bye, everybody. Thank you.