Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 25: 4 Fears That Stop People Opening Up To You

Episode Date: May 21, 2020

From Stephen (@stephenhhussey) People spend a lot of time asking the question: “How to do I get my partner to open up?” But they rarely think about the ways in which they regularly punish their partner whenever they want to reveal their beating vulnerable heart. The problem with just saying to someone, “you should open up more”, is that it’s a frustratingly vague request.  I’ve noticed that a huge amount of my emotional openness depends on feeling like I have the right environment to be free to express what’s really going on inside. So if you want your partner, family, or friends to open up emotionally, here are 4 worries that are probably going through their minds that need to be dealt with first...  

Hello there listeners, one and all, snuggle up, settle in and get ready for another episode of the Love Life Podcast with me, your host, Stephen Hussey. Now, the last couple of episodes have been, shall we say, quite Matt heavy, as in my brother, Matthew Hussey, which is a good thing because this podcast, of course, bears his name, so it's probably right that we rather feature him as much as we can. But I thought I would go back to a format I did a few episodes ago and dive into one of my own written pieces talking about something I've been thinking and writing about lately and kind of draw out some of the best points for you. So let's do that. So this article was on why people don't open up. And this is a topic we've talked about before. It's a topic Matt's talked about before about the male fears.

Well, he specifically spoke about the male fears of opening up and the kind of things that scare men about emotionally putting themselves on the line and I wanted to kind of take that to a more general place and focus on something else which is what are the things that you can do that make it easier for someone to bring their honest, true feelings to you. And not just in a romantic relationship, but in any relationship. Could be a friendship, could be your family, it could be your partner.

But in kind of all areas, really, I've noticed that, you know, specifically from my own point of view, there are people I am so much more comfortable opening up and being my true self with, and it doesn't have anything to do with closeness. What I've noticed is whether you open up to someone or not is not a function of how much time you spend together or how close you are. It's how they make you feel about that and how comfortable they make you feel

in revealing those vulnerable parts of yourself. So let's jump into the article. So people spend a lot of time asking the question, they send us questions a lot, how do I get my partner or someone else to open up? But they rarely think about the ways in which they regularly punish that person whenever they want to reveal their beating vulnerable heart. The problem with just saying to someone you should open up more is that it's a frustratingly vague request. Being of a British upbringing myself, inculcated with some of my countryman's stereotypical reserved psyche and raised by parents who are mostly of the school of get up, keep going, don't complain, some of my early relationships were tricky when it came to emotional sharing. That said, I believe that too often the blame

is squarely focused on the person who doesn't want to open up. Yes, part of the onus is on them to be more generous in sharing how they feel, but we should also ask ourselves, am I making it easy or difficult for others to open up to me? I can't speak for everyone on this topic. No doubt there are many people who have had past trauma and deeper issues that make it hard or nearly impossible for them to trust in someone enough to show vulnerability. But for myself, I've noticed that a huge amount of my emotional openness depends on feeling like I have the right environment to be free

to express what's really going on inside. So, if you want your partner, family or friends to open up emotionally, here are four worries that are probably going through their minds that need to be dealt with first fear number one if i open up will it just create more worry for example something goes badly at work and you find yourself on your phone to your partner i screwed up on that project today you say i'm not sure if i'm going to survive here. Their response, shit, that's terrible. What are you going to do if you lose your job? Suddenly, they go into a panic. They freak out, worrying for the both of you. And now a frustration at work for you has turned into you trying to console your partner, even though you were the one who had the crappy day and so you think to yourself okay in

the future i'm just not going to say anything next time when people share their fears and concerns the last thing they want in response is despair and a response that's going to send them further into a spiral of stress and panic what we usually want is for our partner to tell us it's not so bad, it will be okay, you can survive this, you can survive anything, I'm here to listen. Hey, even if you lose your job, we'll still find a way to get through this mess, you're going to be fine, don't worry so much. We open up to our partner for support, not for them to amplify our anxiety. So that's crucial. Number one, if someone opens up, the important thing is not to amplify their worry

because then they're not going to want to do that in future because they're going to go, oh my God, if I reveal even one thing that went badly today, suddenly they're going to double or triple distress and be worrying so much that now I'm going to have to look after them. Number two, second fear in their head. Am I going to get judged for being emotional or sensitive about this? So for any person, blurting out their emotions is always risky. Because when we do that, suddenly we're naked and the other person might not like what they see underneath. Our worry when we open up is, am I going to be made to feel foolish, stupid, oversensitive for having this feeling?

For example, in a relationship someone might bring up that they had a little jealous moment or that they feel worried about something their partner said earlier, or maybe something happened that made them feel insecure. And if that concern gets brushed off with a response of, oh, don't be stupid, or oh my God, I can't believe you would say that, it's a signal to their brain never to bring the topic up again or else feel belittled and stupid. This often happens with men who are often made to feel weak or unattractive if they share their fears and it's often a big reason why certain men avoid it altogether because they think if I bring up that little insecurity or that problem or that thing

that maybe feel a little jealous or upset, they might say, oh my God, how could you say that? What? You don't trust me? Or whatever it might be. It might just be a visible sign that someone is turned off or finds it unpleasant. So if you want emotional honesty, show someone that even in their weaker moments, even in their insecure moments or emotional sensitive moments, show that they're still strong, they're still capable, they're still loved even in those moments. And at the risk of adopting some therapeutic treacly language people want to feel their feelings are validated they want to feel their feelings are valid and okay to have even if they're more sensitive vulnerable feelings so again if you want someone to open up to you

the less you can judge the more you can allow the fact that this was an emotional issue for them this upset them this made them feel sensitive or vulnerable the less you can allow the fact that this was an emotional issue for them, this upset them, this made them feel sensitive or vulnerable, the less you judge them, the more they're going to do it in the future. Okay, number three. Third fear in someone's head when they open up. Is this person actually interested in what I have to say. Now, you may be very familiar with a certain moment where there's something you really want to get off your chest, you're looking for support, and then the reply comes back, oh my god, I had the exact same problem with my family, here's what happened, and suddenly it's all about them. So if you want someone to open up, the best gift you can give them is space.

Dig deeper, ask more questions. Just say, tell me more, or I'm here for you. Tell me what happened. Just allowing someone to know they have the freedom to really say their piece, and them knowing you really want to listen and are curious and want to know they have the freedom to really say their piece and them knowing you really want to listen and are curious and want to know more is enough to make someone think wow I like talking to this person about this I like talking to them about this because they really just listen and let me get it off my chest and most people in their first moment when they when they open up they don't fully

open up they initially just say slight you know a glossing of the problem or they give you the kind of surface level stuff but you know and what most people mistake is they never go deeper they never let that person talk long enough and keep going to get to the heart of what's really wrong you know they might just say i'm stressed or I'm this thing at work. And you might have to just let them talk and talk and dig deeper. And maybe the deeper truth is they're really not happy doing what they're doing right now, or they feel insecure because, you know, they feel like they're not skilled enough to do this. And, you know, they're

worried if they're not going to be enough for you or whatever it is, but you need to let them talk and develop that thought out, and that's by you showing curiosity, paying attention, and making them feel like you're actually interested in what's going on. Okay, number four, the final fear going through someone's head before they open up to you. Are they going to try and solve the problem for me? So this one might sound a little confusing at first, but unless someone explicitly says, what do you think I should do? Or can I get your advice on this? When they bring up a problem or

open up to you, they're not looking for you to solve it in that moment they're not coming because there's just some answer they don't have yet about what to do and they need you to direct them in the right way again if they specifically ask and say i need i need your advice on this like i don't i have idea what to do. I need you to help me. But if someone is just bringing up a frustration with their family, their parents, a friend, their job, their finances, certain things, they're just looking to express them. Just because we want to talk about a problem

does not mean we are looking for an immediate solution. Deep down, we may even already know what the answer is, but we just need to be able to talk it out and think it out for ourselves and have someone who will be a sounding board to kind of gently steer us where we want to go. So the best thing you can do when someone brings you this kind of problem is just play Sigmund Freud. Ask questions, give space when necessary, don't offer any strong opinions or advice unless they ask for it.

And if you're close to them and they don't want to talk immediately, you can just give them physical contact, give them a hug, show closeness, show signs of love that you're present, that you're there for them. And these are ways of making them feel like they're supported. And when they're ready, they can actually either come and ask for advice or talk about the problem even further. But their big fear is like, they're going to come down, talk about this thing that's been bugging them. And suddenly you're going to get the spreadsheet out and try and start solving it. And they think,

I don't need you to fix this. This is not what I'm asking. I just wanted you to tell me I'm going to be okay and listen to me and let me express this annoyance I have. And that's often what makes people feel so much better. It's not having someone who tries to dictate or fix their life for them. So as a shorthand, remember, reserve judgment, curiously ask questions, give reassurance and support, and let people feel like their emotions are valid. When you do that, you're going to find that more often than not, you're the person who people seek out when they want to say how they really feel. Okay, that is it for today.

I hope you enjoyed that piece. Let me know in the comment, well, there are no comments, are there? What am I saying? This isn't a blog post. Let me know, comment to our email address. Send an email to podcast at matthewhussey.com. Let me know what you think of this episode. I know a bunch of you sent emails in after the last one I did like this and said you really enjoyed it. So I thought I'd carry on with this format. And it's a great way to kind of elaborate on some of the things I write and think about. And yeah, I hope it's really useful to you.

And these are times where there's plenty of stress going around and plenty of people who are bubbling up with emotions they want to express. So it's a very useful skill right now to have to be able to be an ear for people to talk about what's really going on inside. All right. Thank you so much. I will be back very soon. And please subscribe, of course, to the podcast if you don't already on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, all those great platforms. I'm going to head out right now. That's it. Take care of yourselves.

I'll see you soon.