Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 253: “How Do I Get Him to Try Harder?”

Episode Date: July 17, 2024

Theresa says, “I feel like I’m his lowest priority”. Even though the guy she’s dating long-distance says all the right things, he is constantly busy and now she feels like an obligation to him rather than someone he’s excited to see. “He doesn’t want to lose me”, she says, “but he doesn’t want to try either”. In this episode, Matt and Audrey talk about how to handle this on-the-fence situation, when someone says they want to see you but isn’t able or truly willing to fulfil your needs, and whether you should date someone who is too busy to make you their priority right now.   -- ►► Transform Your Relationship with Life in 6 Magical Days... Learn More About My Live Retreat at → http://www.MHRetreat.com ►► Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com ►► FREE Video Training: “Dating With Results” → http://www.DatingWithResults.com

Hey everybody, it's Matthew Hussey here. Welcome back to the Love Life podcast. I am recording this on my phone right now because I just found out that this episode doesn't have our normal quality of sound. Unfortunately, we had a couple of technical difficulties with my microphone that we only found out in post-production. So I am a stickler for sound. I love good sound, so it's frustrating, but the content of this episode is important. I really wanted you guys to hear it. I didn't want to pull the episode entirely because I know it's going to help some people and you might be one of them. So enjoy the episode. I hope the sound isn't too distracting and that the content makes up for it. Don't forget to send

us an email podcast at matthewhussey.com once you've given the episode a listen and enjoy the episode friends. Thanks for being here. Guys, just some news. We have our retreat coming september 9th to the 15th if you want to come and spend six days with me on the beach in florida this year the one and only time this is happening this year then come join us you don't want wanna wait till the next time we do something like this. It's gonna be a long time and your progress can't wait that long. If there are big things holding you back

in your life right now, if you feel like there's more that you want to achieve, if there's more peace you wanna achieve internally, if you wanna find love, but there are ways that you feel you're sabotaging or holding yourself back, or there are just emotional patterns or past trauma getting in the way of you enjoying your life. This is where we do the deepest work. You can still apply at mhretreat.com. Spaces are

very limited at this stage. So jump on board while you can. mhretreat.com. Are you trying to meet someone right now? If you are, you probably are wondering how you can actually get out there and connect with more people. Maybe you're on the apps, maybe you're not. Either way, we all could use sometimes some ways of going on autopilot, some things that we could just say to initiate a conversation that we find attractive. So if there isn't a special someone in your life right now and you want there to be, the first step is always going to be going out there and connecting with new people. We have a brand new guide called Spark and Connect that shows you nine different ways that you can begin a new connection with someone. It's very practical, specific things you can say, you can make them your own, completely free. You can be reading it in 30 seconds so go check that out lastly before we get into the episode if your love life is your number one priority this year if when you sat down to

make your resolutions your number one resolution was around finding your special someone so that you could go forward in your life knowing that you are sharing your life with someone, that you are in a relationship, then the Love Life Club is where you want to be. Many people ask me if they can have one-on-one coaching with me and I give the same answer every single time. Do more than make me your one-on-one coach for an hour, which is completely inaccessible for most people. And not to mention, I don't have any time these days to actually be able to do that

because I'm spending all of my time inside the Love Life Club working with people year round. So if you want to make me your coach, not just for an hour, but for an entire year in helping you find love, join the Love Life Club. You can find out more at lovelifeclub.com. Inside, we have masterclasses on every part of dating and love. We have live sessions every single week with either

myself, my wife, Audrey Hussey, my brother, Stephen Hussey. We have experts, interviews, tools in there that can help you on your journey. There is no other year round program for your love life that exists that can do this for you. Come find out more at lovelifeclub.com you can either be part of it on a month-to-month basis or you can do what many people do and just join up for the whole year in one go i'll see you over there so we're back we're back how are you feeling you know what oh no honest answer yeah honest answer i just woke up feeling a bit meh today and i was saying this to you wasn't i was saying like no reason just woke up a little bit like a little bit meh and so yeah the reason i say this by the way

sorry the reason i say this because i think we should eliminate the stigma around feeling like bad and it's okay to feel bad sometimes right i can't stand what's it what do they call it toxic positivity yeah toxic positivity i don't like living in a world where we all have to just be happy all the time or feign happiness all the time yeah no it's true and i yeah also like it's a positivity is such a wonderful and beautiful thing and we should always try to be positive but i think part of the human experience is sometimes just not feeling that good and that's okay so sorry that you i gave you such an honest answer well Well, not to rush in with a, you know, like let's make you feel better, but I do actually think this episode's

gonna make you feel better. Oh, I'm excited. I feel confident that you're gonna feel better by the end of this episode. Okay. We've been reading the podcast emails and there is a particular email that caught my eye from Therese that I thought would be a lot of fun and would be very kind of in, it's

going to speak to a lot of people. So we'll read that email, but first the theme song. So Teresa goes on to say, Even though I feel the guy I am dating and I are now exclusive, we have been long distance since we met, nearly 12 months. The biggest issue is I am pretty sure I am definitely his lowest priority. Exclusivity is the last of my concerns, I think. I've listened and read so much of your work and it has really helped keep us together for this long. Plus, I know he is trying his best and seems to really want to be the guy for me and keeps taking on board all the things I say. Except I can still feel and hear myself finding it not enough. Am I impossible to please? Should I

put up with his incapacity to talk about feelings or to offer reassurance when I need it or empathy when I'm down? Do I need to accept his avoidance of making clear plans for our next catch-up? I have started to feel like an obligation, all things I have expressed to him. And yes, he is busy, granted, but that just tells me that he is clearly capable of making plans with other people and things, just not me. And when I ask about our next catch-up, he sends me his calendar and so I bring it up. And still, through his his busy lens there is very little joy in his voice more like a groan as if I am some sort of job obligation. Okay I'll get to it I have some dates in my head I just have to blah blah blah. There is always something more important more pressing

so I'm forced to either keep my mouth shut and let him change the subject and then the next time we talk I either hope he brings it up or I bring it up again or maybe I disappear and play his silent no reply game. I feel trapped in these choices. None of them leave me feeling free or happy. I guess I have my answer. Dull. It's like he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't know what to do with me either. And I try to come up with ways to break up over the phone, but I can never bring myself to do it. He's not a bad guy. I love his dogs and knowledge for nature. But most of all, I love that he just keeps trying and keeps showing up. I keep naming my standards and boundaries of you have so expertly taught me to do so. Seriously, at 55 years old,

I think this is the first time I've actually done this. It's carving a new story for me around asking for what I want and it not equaling them leaving. But maybe this is all he can offer. He is 58. And I want to be cherished more than this, to have my company sought out, valued, enjoyed, and to be able to enjoy theirs too without being shut down or ridiculed for being a softie

or told I am giving too much or left till the last minute. Though when we're actually in each other's company, getting on with life and orbiting around each other with daily life, we're great. So yeah, anyway, it's a mess. Thanks for listening. I love hearing you both laugh. And sometimes things get said on your episodes that would offend me, like the mukbang eating too much stuff thing and i'd be totally fat shamed by it but i just love how audrey laughs and knows your intentions are clearly not that hashtag relationship goals thanks again we'll keep reading your book and newsletter and i joined the love life club for a bit and inhaled some courses too but plus plus all the

other things i bought and saved in my matthew plus audrey dropbox folder keep shining you too i have lots to say about this i want to hear it i get the impression theresa that you have always only known staying quiet or not speaking your boundaries or you were taught that your needs don't matter or you or you grew up in an environment that had you unable to have a voice in that way. And maybe you had early relationships that were exactly the same, where that was the expectation of you. So all of this is new. And as it's new, you're kind of calibrating in real time. What does it mean to have standards? What does it mean to stand up for myself?

What should my expectations be? It's kind of like you know that your expectations should be higher than in the past, but you don't know yet exactly what they should be or what's too much. And there's still a sense of being in a situation where you are worried that you're asking too much even though to me there are some really glaring red flags about this situation let's run through a few of them i mean you said i'm pretty sure i am definitely his lowest priority and you said exclusivity is the last of my concerns which I take to mean that you're not even nearly at the stage of being asked for being able to ask for exclusivity because even the most basic needs aren't met you don't feel

important you don't feel this person shows up for you you don't feel you they ever make a plan around you so rewinding back even a little bit earlier than that theresa said something like i'm pretty sure we are exclusive or or something like that she says even though i feel the guy i am dating and I are now exclusive we have been long distance since we met nearly 12 months the biggest issue is I am pretty sure I am definitely his lowest priority exclusivity is the last of my concerns I think yeah so it sounds like the assumption that they're exclusive maybe stems from the fact that they've been dating for 12 months rather than the conversation has been had. Yeah, which is a really dangerous thing.

Yeah, for sure. But it certainly seems like she doesn't even feel like she could bring that up. Like, I'm not even able to agree to when we're going to see each other next let alone when you when you're made to feel like you're not someone's priority you're kind of always fighting for an equilibrium and a place from which you can then bring up things like exclusivity and if somebody never makes you feel safe you never feel like you reach that place where you can even have that conversation yeah which is what a lot of people do actually to try and keep you in that non-committal kind of you know like in between limbo stages they kind of just they never let you feel safe or close enough that you actually feel like you can have that conversation you're always fighting to kind of get to that place does that make sense yeah i think it's a it's a really big it's a really used kind of tactic by people is to make you feel like you're walking on eggshells

so that then you feel like you can't even have the conversations that need to be had and she says am i impossible to please you know that's to me that's history combined with it's a history of feeling like your needs don't matter combined with a person in the present who is reinforcing that idea and making sure that you feel just uncomfortable enough in mentioning things that you you don't feel like they're the one who's not giving you enough you feel like you're impossible to please it's really it breaks my heart actually to hear that because I think it's so difficult to discern where you're being too demanding and where somebody's not meeting your needs I think that's a very difficult thing to kind of get to the bottom of and I think that like even in a healthy relationship you can sometimes feel like I can't tell this is whether this is my fault or whether this person

isn't meeting my needs and if you're in an unhealthy relationship that's even more the case because like it just makes you feel crazy and you know Teresa if you're in an unhealthy relationship, that's even more the case because it just makes you feel crazy. And, you know, Teresa, if you're listening, I just want his energy and his attention which is perfectly normal reasonable and kind of required actually to have a long distance relationship or any form of relationship so i don't think you're the problem i think the problem comes from this person's inability to meet your needs rather than you being too needy yeah and where whether that inability to meet your need is sincere or whether he's just pretending to even try to meet your needs it almost is irrelevant you know you you say therese i know he is trying his best and he seems to really

want to be the guy for me it's kind of irrelevant someone saying I want to be the guy for you. What's relevant is whether they can do the job. And we have to stop in our love lives giving people the role if they're not capable of doing the job. I don't know whether he's sincere. To be honest, he strikes me as insincere. But even if he was sincere in his effort to be the guy for you, what's relevant is not that he wants to be that.

What's relevant is, can he do the job? You say, Therese, should I put up with his incapacity to talk about feelings? Okay, well, that's a problem, especially if you're someone who's communicative. Do the job. You say, Therese, should I put up with his incapacity to talk about feelings? Okay, well, that's a problem, especially if you're someone who's communicative. If he cannot talk about his feelings, that's gonna be difficult, right?

That doesn't mean you cannot have a relationship with that person, but if someone can't talk about their feelings, can they talk about the fact that they aren't good at talking about their feelings? And do they the fact that they aren't good at talking about their feelings and do they show a desire to get better at that and is there evidence of the fact that they're actually trying to get better at that you know all of that is just a little world on its own that by the way could be relationship ending because it's really hard if you're someone who

can talk about feelings to be with someone who. So all of that on its own is something that could spell the end of a relationship. You say he can't, he doesn't offer you reassurance when you need it or empathy when you're down. So there's two other big strikes. That's horrible. That's really, that's really shitty. And if we stop there, that would be a a challenge a massive challenge to say the least but then theresa you say do i need to accept his avoidance of making clear plans for our next catch-up right so you go on to say he's so busy that he when you ask to see him he shows you his calendar as if to say can't you see this this calendar? I have no time, right?

Well, that on its own, even if he was the most empathetic person in the world, even if he was a great communicator, great at talking about his feelings, if that was the only issue, and you said, he just never has the time to see me and he makes me feel like an obligation anytime I'm trying to see him that on its own is a huge problem for a relationship is someone deciding not to

prioritize you in their day their week their month you know our friend a wildly successful entrepreneur, has, you know, started Zico coconut water and sold it, started Marquee Jets and sold it. You know, we're talking about someone that's worth hundreds of millions of dollars and is a serial entrepreneur, his philosophy for his life is, I plan my life before I plan my work. That is his overriding philosophy is, I take out a calendar. I plan all my trips with my family for my year. I plan the weekends with my kids. I plan the date night

with Sarah, my wife. His wife is Sarah Blakely who owns Spanx or did own Spanx. I think she sold it. He said, I plan all of these things before I plan my work. My work gets planned around my life because he's all about building his life resume. He's about getting time with his kids while they're still kids. He's about getting time with his relatives while they're still around. That is his obsession. Jesse is one of the busiest people I've ever met. But the way he lives his life is a reflection of his priorities. And we have to stop giving people a pass for being busy. When I see this man, or I think about this man, Therese, I don't just see a busy man. I see a man who has made very clear what his priorities are in life.

And you should listen to that. Your problem, Therese, is not that you can't handle being with a busy person. Your problem is that you are with a person who does not prioritize his intimate connection, his relationship at all. And there are many, many highly successful, busy people, and not just highly successful people, people on the way up, people trying to be successful, who still manage to prioritize other aspects of their life that are important to them. Don't focus on the busyness. Focus on the hierarchy. Focus on the prioritization.

What does it say about the person and what they value in life? Someone can be busy raising five kids. But if they spend most of their time raising their kids, you know what their priorities are. Yeah. There's a hundred different ways to be busy. Busy doesn't tell you what someone's priorities are. How they choose to be busy is what tells you what someone's priorities are. And you are clearly not a priority to this person. Let's add that to the list along with he can't talk about his feelings. He doesn't offer you reassurance when you need it. He has no empathy when you're down. These are your words, not mine. You said there is always something more important,

more pressing. You should listen to that. You should listen to the fact that you feel forced to either keep your mouth shut or disappear and play his game of the silent no reply game. Okay, so now there's a whole other third thing, which is the silent treatment that he gives you. So now it's not, there's not even kindness in the way that he deals with this. He just disappears and goes silent on you. So we have a whole other thing you know um and i i'm reluctant to say this in a way because i don't want to hurt theresa's feelings with it but to me it sounds a little bit like there is his life that he to your point he prioritizes and then whatever he gets from her in the form of attention validation

like comfort whatever it might be he then dips into as and when he pleases and that's the role that that relationship is serving for him i don't know the guy but that's how it feels to me when I listen to to that story it's like if she voices a need for reassurance or for anything he's like just nowhere to be found if she wants to see him and he's busy he doesn't make the time but he doesn't let her go either because there's some convenience in having somebody there who is wonderful to you and cares about you and checks in on you and is there if you're having a bad day or whatever it might be like you you can get that kind of connection piece met without any of the strings attached and it's probably no coincidence that the long distance has probably kept this alive far longer than it

would have if you were actually in the same city and he was having to show up and didn't couldn't hide behind the distance and the only reason I say this is because I would hate for you Therese to blame yourself and feel like you're going crazy trying to understand why this person is behaving in a certain way sometimes you know whether or not they're a good or a bad person is neither here nor there but sometimes there is a level of kind of being treated like a an option a commodity versus a priority and you know none of us should settle for that i think it can be helpful to imagine something else that a person might do in their life that falls into this kind of category that you're talking about Audrey which to me is like video games okay if someone continue let's say he likes video games

he can choose when to go and engage with video games he He can work a week, pay no attention to them, and then Friday evening comes around and he's like, oh, I've got a minute, I've got a couple of hours, let me go play this game. And he enjoys playing the game. It gives him something, it gives him dopamine, it gives him satisfaction, it gives him some reward. So he enjoys playing it while he's playing it, but then he puts it down and when he puts it down, he gets on with the rest of his life. And that relationship

works because the game asks nothing of him when he's not playing it he can just go and play that game on his terms when he wants and therese i you have to start looking at it like you're his video game like no needs. You are there for his enjoyment. You are there for his satisfaction. You're there for his entertainment. Or reassurance in the case of a relationship. Or... Company.

Company. Empathy. All the things you give him. Right? But this doesn't not work because you have the wrong needs or because your needs are too excessive or too demanding this doesn't work because you have needs and for him any needs that you have are too many because you're the video game. You're not supposed to have needs.

That really like hit me. That hit me right there. We're gonna continue to unpack this and I have a model that I wanna give everyone to go away with from this episode before we do a word from our sponsors. Hello. It's me again.

We have no sponsors. It's just Matthew Hussey. Every Friday, I send out a private email to everyone who is on my mailing list, The Three Relationships. This is an email that I take a significant amount of time to write each week. I really found that during the book writing process I enjoyed sitting there and crafting something that I knew would be both entertaining and helpful to people and I know that the book Love Life has resonated with so many of you and it's been really beautiful to see how many of you have really enjoyed my style of writing if you have enjoyed that and you're like I finished the book already I like you know that feeling you get when you get

to the end of a season of some TV show and you're like, so what are they making season two? And you wish that there was season two was available right now, but you know, it's not going to be available for like two years. Well, the nice thing about this is if you got to the end of Love Life, my new book, and you want the next book already, well, I'm literally writing to you new material every single week. So you're never more than seven days away from getting a new piece of writing from me.

You can sign up to this. It's completely free at the3relationships.com. That's the3, the number three, relationships.com. Check it out. This is super valuable. People are really enjoying it. I now get hundreds of emails back every single week from people reading this. There's many, many, many thousands of hundreds of thousands of people who receive this, but I'm literally getting hundreds of personal emails every week from people who are reading it and enjoying it. And I'm reading all of the responses,

even if I can't reply to all of them. So check it out at the3relationships.com, sign up, and I will deliver my next email direct to your inbox this Friday. Quick note as well for anyone who has not taken our free masterclass, Dating With Results. This is our most popular free masterclass of all time at this point. We have had over 1 million people who have now watched Dating With Results.

It is for anyone who is struggling to navigate modern dating, for anyone who is sick and tired of situationships, flaky people, time wasters, people who just want to use you and then drop you for the next person, strange people that you meet through dating apps that you're like, really, this is what's on offer today? This is what I'm up against? For anyone who is serious about getting out of the dating swamp and finding real and lasting love with a great human being,

dating with results is the foundation of starting a productive path in your love life. Go to datingwithresults.com to get it for free right now. You can literally be watching it minutes from now. And don't forget to let us know what you think. Podcast at MatthewHussey.com. Imagine that in any relationship with someone, with another human being, there are three things that can change. There's your standards, their behavior, or the status of the relationship itself. Any of those three can change at any time. Your standards, their behavior, or the status of the relationship. Your standards are the behaviors you're willing to accept from someone. Their behavior relates to how they treat you.

And the status of the relationship is about whether you choose to be with them or not. Or in the case of friendships or family, the degree to which you choose to have that person in your life or close to you. Because whereas in romantic relationships, it tends to be more, you're either in or you're out, in other kinds of relationships, there might be degrees of closeness that you accept. Now, if any one of those three can change, you have to decide which one is going to change. In Therese's situation she has tried to change her standards from what they used

to be by raising them because his behavior is not working for her she tried to say here's what I want and he's basically made her afraid to say, here's what I want. And he's basically made her afraid to say anything, afraid to speak up, feel like she's asking too much. She's an inconvenience. She's an obligation. So that his behavior can remain the same. Right. Because when someone doesn't want to change their behavior, what they'll try to do is shame you for your standards yeah and that's exactly what he's done now what therese has shown is that she is not willing to change the status of the relationship

she's not willing to go from this long distance situation because is it a relationship? It doesn't sound like they're exclusive to me. It sounds like she has assumed that they're exclusive, even though they've never had the conversation, but let's just call it a relationship. This relationship is one that she does not want to let go of, but his behavior also isn't changing so which one of the three has to change her standards because if the behavior won't change and you're unwilling to change the status of the relationship then your standards have to change okay one of the three has to be pliable. But it sounds like Therese would say to that, I have changed my standards, right? In theory, but not in reality. Therese has started to understand the concept of standards, is starting to connect with the idea

that maybe she should want more. But in reality, she is not demanding more. Because if she was, and his behavior didn't change, which it's not, the status of the relationship would have to change. When someone realizes that your standards are malleable, then their behavior will not be. Their behavior will remain the same. It's like if you break up with someone and they keep coming back to you, you are never going to be scared

because you realize they keep bouncing back anyway. So you realize my behavior towards them never has to change because they don't actually have standards I broke up with them and yet they're still staying in contact with me they keep coming back to me they keep reaching out they keep hooking up so in a sense I'm learning oh I don't even I don't even, I don't have to change anything because their standards are pliable. I can change them. In any situation, one of these three things can change. We have to decide which one it is. Now, there may be some areas of relationships where their behavior doesn't change and we don't want to lose the relationship.

But the behavior that we don't like is not actually that bad. It's not even that important. And so our standard around that thing changes. We say, screw it. It's not a big deal. I can live with that one. So in that case case our standard does change and sometimes for the better sometimes that allows us to have a harmonious relationship because we say there are things that are worth caring about and things that are not worth caring about but what we have to ask is can my standards change in this area and i keep the relationship status the same i will stay together

and i remain happy or i'd be happy and the answer in theresa's case i would say is categorically no. The areas of his behavior that he's unwilling to bend on are areas that are going to cause you misery for a lifetime. So what should she do? Because I'm assuming the reason she hasn't said, these are my standards and this is what I expect is that she's afraid she's unwilling to change number three exactly so the status of the relationship i understand why she feels trapped she feels trapped because of the rules that she's set up if we become willing and capable of changing a different variable than the ones we've tried to change in the past, all of a sudden our options open up again. She's unwilling to have hard conversations because she's trying to keep number three, the same, the relationship.

So his behavior is not changing. That's the one thing that's not budging, right? And because of that, her standards are having to change. That's the, by the way, what's proven in everything that Teresa said is that's the one thing that she is willing to change. It's her standards. Yeah. He's not willing to change his behavior. She's not willing to change the status of the relationship. But she is willing to change her standards so what should she do become willing to change the status of the

relationship become so hard though like i agree with you but that's so hard in practice when you're attached and invested and you know you love someone and it's hard yes how do you generate a big enough why that you can actually be brave enough to risk it all whether that's through changing your standards and therefore pushing them away or whether that's through just saying i'm not putting up with this anymore like which is kind of the same thing like how do you how do you get yourself there if you haven't been able to get yourself there in a year that is a giant question it's a giant like that's a six-day retreat question yeah because it's it's in part connecting to what the much bigger thing that we're going to lose if we stay right and that that's those answers are personal yeah but there are always much bigger things that we'll lose if we stay than what we gain if we stay

and whatever is our fear is going to happen when we if we leave is like certainly in Teresa's case, the fear of what happens if she lets go is the actual reality of that is nothing compared to what she should be afraid of if she stays. But right now, Teresa isn't connecting to that pain. She's only connected to the pain that's right in front of her face. I think she's in survival mode as well i think she's trying to live day by day the goal every

single day is to try and feel safe and closer to this person because they don't make her feel safe and close and she's almost a good day is a day where that happened or she got closer to that and because she's living day by day in that kind of a way she doesn't have time or space to be thinking about everything else and so that brings us nicely on to the another big feature of that fear and where it's coming from which is trying to derive a sense of safety from something that is inherently unsafe and that is a game that she will never win that she's you're therese right now you are literally playing an unwinnable game you are not crazy there is nothing wrong with you you might have some uh trauma from the past or you might have some wiring in your body that predisposes you to this kind of dynamic but that can shift

we all have something you'll have that in one form or another but what you're feeling the anxiety you're feeling the fear that you're feeling the the way this is monopolizing your energy and your thoughts, you're not crazy. Those are appropriate things to feel when you're playing an unwinnable game, which is I'm trying to derive a sense of safety and security and comfort from a situation that is fundamentally unsafe and for as long as you do that you're going to feel like this

so the why as you put it audrey is that there has to be a greater sense of you have to become more afraid of something else you're afraid to lose this person what are you more afraid of and you have to have a really good answer to that yeah and the second part of it is we have to get out of survival mode we have to start realizing why we're in survival mode in the first place. It's because we are trying to derive safety in an unsafe situation. And therefore, because that's unwinnable, this relationship has now become

a chronic stressor in your life. And you're now trying to figure out how to do how to lower your chronic stress thinking that if I could just get them to give me a little more if I could just get them to make a plan with me if I could just get them to show me some empathy or some love then I wouldn't be so stressed about this not realizing that the game you're playing in even being in relationship to this person, not with, the game you're playing at trying to be in relationship to this person is a form of chronic, that is the source of your chronic stress.

And that will change when you start saying my certainty my safety has to come from something that actually is fundamentally secure that is fundamentally safe and we can take a whole other episode to talk about that but if you want to do that work with us by the way that is what we're doing in september on the retreat if you want to transform your confidence pick a new target for your certainty and lean into that and pick a target that actually is safe and we will show you how to do that in september mhretreat.com i wasn't even planning on saying it here but just for anyone who wants to do that work on the deepest level with us mhretreat.com is where you will find that program this year in september if you want to join us you literally have said so many mic drop things there are like

five mics on the floor right now you've said so many things in this episode that i think are going to be so valuable to so many people well thank you thank you audrey and and tell us you know tell us what resonated with you podcast at matthew hussey.com the reason this email ended up on this episode was because someone sent us an email podcast at matthew hussey.com you can do the same send us an email even if it's just a couple of lines about what the podcast means to you. It also energizes us to read these emails because we we know that there are real people out there. It's not just numbers on a screen for how many, you know, listener downloads we get per episode. We know that there are real people out there listening.

I also think, by the way, it would be really fun to play a couple of like uh answer phone messages voice notes yeah like yeah with practically speaking they're going to be voice notes but i want to almost play them as if like someone's left an answer phone message for us um just telling us what the show means to you or you know it could be a question if it's not too long if it's like 20 to 30 seconds or less um it could be just you know telling us something you liked on the podcast recently but you know leave us a little a little message you can literally do a voice memo on your phone and send it to podcast at matthewhussie.com and thank you so much therese for sending in your question for being vulnerable and open and honest.

I think it was very honest, the way that you wrote it. So thank you. Thank you. And we hope that this was helpful for you in your situation. And we're glad we make you laugh. You sound like such a fun person. I hope we get to meet in one of our events sometime. Hopefully, not too far from now now we'll end up doing another

event in australia because australia has been some of our favorite events have been in australia the crowds there are incredible i love spending time with you guys over there so um yeah shout out to therese and everyone in australia who is listening by the way public service announcement for every love life member out there right now. We have live events coming to the cities of London in July, Los Angeles in October, and New York in December. If you are one of our Love Life members, you can come to those events. If you're not a Love Life member, you can still become a Love Life member so that you can attend those events. These are going to be very intimate.

I mean, the kind of events we don't even do these days anymore, like a hundred people. So come join us. You can go to lovelifeclub.com if you want to become a member. You won't just get access to these events. Of course, you'll also get access to master master classes and experts and live sessions with me every month including live sessions with my brother steven audrey and a whole suite of other tools that can help you in your love life this year go to lovelifeclub.com to become a member and for all existing members don't forget to register for one of our live in-person meetups

this year. Thanks everyone be well and love life.