Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 258: “He Was My First Real Love, And Broke My Heart…"

Episode Date: August 21, 2024

The first time you experience heartbreak is a shattering experience. It's a new pain, it feels like your entire world falls apart, and you don't know if you'll ever feel better. In this episode, Matt and Audrey talk about how to shift your perspective on your heartbreak, the mindset that helps your recover, and how to stop seeing this person as your only path to happiness. ►► Transform Your Relationship With Life in 6 Magical Days. Learn More About The Matthew Hussey Retreat at. . . . → http://www.MHRetreat.com ►► Pre-Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com ►► FREE Video Training: “Dating With Results” → http://www.DatingWithResults.com

What's up everybody before we get into this episode of love life couple of quick announcements the retreat is coming up in September the 9th to the 15th in Fort Lauderdale Florida on the beach who wants to come and join us for six days of immersive coaching or you, you still can, but not for much longer because the tickets are extremely limited right now. Go over to mhretreat.com. If big changes are what you want in the coming years, this event is for you. mhretreat.com is that link. An announcement for all of our Love Life Club members.

We, for the first time ever in Love Life, are doing live cities for members. In October, there is going to be an LA event, and in December, we are doing a New York event. Go to the Love Life members app to find out more if you haven't already got your tickets for that. And if you're not currently a Love Life member, you can still join in time to join one of these live events and get access to the entire Love Life portal and me being your coach for the whole year. Go over to lovelifeclub.com to become a member today. All right, this episode of Love Life, we have a question that came in.

Podcast at Matthew Hussey dot com is the email address for anyone who wants to email us. Email us. Email us. This came in from someone who is at university or just finished university. She's finished university. She's 22. And she's actually the same age as our intern, Ryan, who's also 22. And I asked him whether he would like to hear advice from oldies like us. And I said, when did we become oldies? And I said that you're 15 years older than Brian.

And I don't know if that makes me an oldie, but fair enough. What did Ryan say? You were okay with it? Ryan was okay with it. Ryan's nodding. Ryan's okay with it. He's okay with it so far. So far.

So we, we will keep this person anonymous. She hasn't asked to, but just in case, you know, just in case. You never know. Can we have, can we give her a name though? I'm going to give her a name. We'll call her. Wesley Snipes. Not, why would we call her wesley snipes why would we do that isn't it weird that that was the first thing that came into my head

it is weird free will is an illusion i didn't choose that thought. That just came into my head. Anyway, what should we call her? Let's call her Ruby. Okay, Ruby. so ruby says hi i had a boyfriend of nearly four years we went through the whole of university together and covid we lived together met each other's friends and family everything looked good we started having real problems however once I moved back home after university. Between the distance and the arguments, everything went wrong. I've listened to episode 161, I don't know which episode 161 is, but she says, and I believe he just didn't feel it as strongly as I did. It's now been a year since the final breakup and he's been seeing a work colleague for well over

four months I'm lost and clueless there is nothing more I could have done I tried to see him so many times and he would always reply and finally I decided to go over to his so that he could hear me out in person I poured my heart out to him and three days later he blocked me. I know he's probably moved on with her but he's my first real love and I just don't know how to get over him. My future and him as a person seemed so perfect when he cared. What should I do? Thank you. It broke my heart a little bit that email when i first read it um i think the last sentence broke my heart because um i think i saw myself in that sentence just that feeling of you know it's her first love doesn't know how to get over him and when she says the future and him as a person

seemed so perfect when he cared i just think yeah it's just sad it's just it's a horrible place to be so first of all ruby even though it's not your real name but you know through the email that we're speaking to you thank you so much for writing in and sharing your story with us um i'm so curious to know what you have to say about it, Matthew. Well, there's something so profound about that feeling of first love because it's, you know, or A, naturally it feels so important. And by the way, it is important at the time as an experience. Yeah. Like, you know, it's not.

How old were you when you had your first love? I actually don't even know the answer to that question. That's crazy. I've never asked you that question. I'm excited to hear the answer. I'm not... I don't know if, like, immediately, I think... You were 32?

Yes. When you met this woman in...'m joking yes exactly I feel like my first loves were like people I didn't even have relationships with they're like people I just in my mind loved from afar not even from afar we were at school together i like would pass them i remember once speaking to michael gendy my friend who you know yeah weirdly you knew him at a time when we didn't know each other yeah because we have mutual friends yeah but i was I was walking along the pathway at school having a like in-depth conversation with him and this girl walked by who you know I was in love with and I just stopped talking he just described how I just stopped talking oh like I did I didn't realize I'd stopped talking but like she walked by and I just completely fell silent breathing yeah and didn't like I I but in completely involuntarily and then as soon as she passed by he looked at me and just had a field day making fun of me because he was

like do you did you see what just happened? We were just having this really intense conversation, and then she walked past, and you just fell silent. But I love her. And then he started going, Matthew has the love bug. Oh, no. I know, that was Michael's way of dealing with it. But, yeah, I remember being very much, like, full-on thought about this person all the time.

Yeah. But it never happened. I still think about her. All right. I think we should get back to Ruby. Okay. We'll talk about this when we get home. You asked.

What advice would you give to Ruby? Just to remind you, she says, I believe he just didn't feel it as strongly as I did. And it's been a year since they broke up. And now he's obviously moved on with this other girl. And she wanted to see him, poured her heart out, and he blocked her. And blocked her and she's just like it's been a year can't get over him think about him all the time everything was perfect when he actually was making an effort ruby there is something firstly it is such an intense experience to have those kinds of feelings for someone especially when

you haven't had them before because you have nothing to compare them to. You haven't yet had the experience of having those feelings again. And there's something really valuable about having the experience of having those feelings again because if nothing else, it shows you that it's possible to have them again. And often you do end up looking at the way those feelings present in the future and the kinds of relationships you might experience those feelings in. And you get to look back on a relationship like this, which don't get me wrong, the feelings you felt were real and valid and beautiful for

the time that you felt them but there's a i mean i keep saying i'll bet our house and you keep telling me not to i think i only bet it when i'm sure i'll bet our house that you're going to look back on this experience and smile at the idea that you know this was this was it it you will at some point look back on this and it will pale in comparison to what you experience later on that doesn't help you when you're hurting and when you're in pain but there's something about this ruby that's a really valuable lesson to learn at the age that you are which is that relationships are more than feelings you know when he was showing you intense feelings when you were together, that felt amazing.

But what you discovered was that when the season changed, and in your stage of life and in your situation, the season changing meant that now you were no longer at university together. Now you both went home, wherever home is. It didn't survive that. And so you had this kind of relationship for a season, right? Which it was what it was for that season. But the kind of love that is really like on another level is love that is able to continue through seasons.

And this wasn't meant to continue through seasons. And this wasn't meant to continue through seasons. It was a seasonal relationship. You know, you had, you went to university, you went to college for a season, but college wasn't for life. It was for a period of time and he was like college he was this experience that happened for a season but i guarantee you ruby when you look at when you think of relationships you really admire all of them outlast the seasons i love that i love love love love love love love love what you just said i think it's so beautiful and it's so true i love it i'm curious because if i'm ruby i'm thinking yes but what if i never love like that again? It's all fine it being a season, but what if this was the best season of my life and I will never have such an amazing season?

I've lost the best thing and the best time of my life. What would you say to her then? Well, I think every season brings different things. It doesn't, A, you almost certainly will feel that again. You will experience that again if you're talking about chemistry, if you're talking about the kind of excitement you felt with this person, you will feel that again. Right. And it will be its own thing.

Because it's always its own thing. People are different. Relationships are different. Every relationship has its own right that it doesn't matter to you that it's different from the relationship you had when you were 21. It becomes an irrelevance. I'm not thinking right now like, oh oh will i ever experience the highs of college again i'm like fucking glad to be done with college you couldn't pay me to go back to those three years anymore do you still have those reoccurring dreams that you it's the end of the year in college or university if you're english and listening and

you have to sit an exam but you haven't gone to any lectures all year because you didn't realize that you were back at college so you're like oh my god i haven't handed in my coursework i have an exam to sit i don't know what i don't know about the subject at all. Do you still have that dream? I do. I have it. No. My dream like that is that I'm on stage for a Broadway show. And I have not learned any of my lines.

I like completely procrastinated to the point where i now the it's time to go out on stage and i do not know the script it's always terrifying sometimes it's off broadway like it's not always a big theater sometimes it's bigger but it's not sometimes it's not big but it's big enough that i feel like i'm ruining my life somehow but that's i don't know i haven't had that one in a minute last night i didn't even tell you this last night i dreamt i was swimming with a baby dolphin oh that was last night yeah i was in a swimming pool as well it was really nice yeah that sounds lovely so I would say, like thinking I'm never going to feel this again, A, you will feel this again. But B, you'll feel evolutions of this that will get better. As we evolve, our tastes evolve.

And they mature and they, they get more refined. I'm sure for you, Audrey, the idea of like what excited you as a 20 something now is like, like not even, it doesn't register for you as attractive in the way that it would have then yeah of course of course I mean I have been in Ruby's position in the sense that I have been

I remember my first love and I remember feeling incredibly like I would never get over them. And they were just it was that was it. And it was my only it was just it was just I was so in love with them because I had never felt that before. And I can tell you now, Ruby, I never think about him. Yeah, I never think about him. I and I mean, I didn't think about him for I stopped think about him I and and I I mean I didn't think about him for I stopped thinking about him I should say many many many many many many years ago and I don't even really remember anything about that relationship I don't I remember how I felt I remember that I loved them

and I remember moments if I think about like you know memories here and there but I couldn't I can't actually pinpoint them onto a person or a relationship I can't remember us together does that make sense because your mind just moves on and you have so many new points of reference so I don't know if that's helpful to hear but I never let Matthew bet the house and I'm absolutely letting him bet the house that you will recover from this and you will love again and I really loved what you said about every relationship has its own DNA because what you won't find is that same relationship again you won't find that same love you won't find that same person the same jokes you had the same ways that you

connected the same things that you did together but you'll find something different and you'll find something better and it won't be you won't be able to predict how it's gonna look. It's like when you're like a kid and you know, you get like spaghetti in a can. It's like the greatest thing ever. But it's pretty good. But like you don't know that you're gonna grow up and discover uni.

Oh my God. I did not think you were going to go to uni. Can you explain what uni is for those people who... Sea urchin. It's sea urchin and it's delicious. I know you don't like it, Audrey, but like everyone's got their uni. You know, that thing that they didn't know about when they were a kid eating spaghetti out of a can and that's their favorite thing and now it's like i can't

believe i thought that i can't believe i thought spaghetti in a can was the greatest thing you could eat i can't believe i thought that was the greatest taste in the world. You know, it's, then you discover like, you know, truffle pizza. And you're just like, what planet was I living on that? I guarantee you, whatever you think was amazing about this relationship, you're going to look back and it's going to be spaghetti in a can. You'll be like, I can't believe I thought that was the greatest thing that i was gonna find i found someone so much more interesting i found someone who sees me on a whole other level than this person ever saw me i feel understood i laugh with this person in a way that i've never laughed with

anyone before i can't believe I thought that was good sex. I can't believe I thought. You're going to think all those things. It's just going to blow your mind. So you don't know that yet. But that's partly why we're here. Is it because I don't need to know your future to see the future in this situation. Because that just is the way it's going to go.

And the pain, none of that changes the fact that you're heartbroken. What it can do is give you perspective on this, that this is very much temporary. But also, I just want to say that I'm not mad that you've had this experience Ruby I think it's a good thing that you've had this experience to go and experience that firstly to experience those feelings is fun and it's new and it's fresh and that's a whole kind of new experience of life but then to to lose it is another really interesting experience of life it sucks and it's so painful and oh it's the worst but it's another experience of life and you know to find that you went there and you said everything you wanted to say, which by the way, congrats, that's brave and it's open and you got it off your chest. You got the closure you needed because he blocked you

three days later. Great. Thank you for the closure. I said everything I wanted to say and that was the response. Can't ask for more closure than that. You're not sitting awake at night going, what if I would have done this? What if I would have done that? You went and told him what you felt. And his response wasn't, oh my God, I'm such an idiot. I didn't realize you cared so much. Let's give it another go. His response was, I'm blocking you, right? That's valuable. That's closure. And the right person is the person who when you express your feelings to them turns around and says me too what you have is the memory of these really intense feelings but anyone who's got 10 years on you 20 years on you 40 years on you will tell you that relationships are more than feelings. Relationships are people showing up and they are people sticking with you when it gets difficult.

Like you didn't cry in the notebook because he gave up. You cried in the notebook because he was there through thick and thin. Like no matter what, he was like, this is my, this is what I'm doing. This is my person. This is who I'm going for. Right. I happen to think that he, you know, probably shouldn't have been building a house for someone he didn't even know he was ever going to get with again. I feel like that was a little much. I don't think I've ever seen The Notebook. Isn't that an accurate telling of the story? He's not with her. She's married.

He's still building a house for her. If that's what he did, you're right. He shouldn't be doing that. Probably shouldn't have built a house. Shouldn't have built a house. But my point is, it's a movie, firstly, based on a book. But we cry at that it's we it's so romantic because he was there through all the seasons we wouldn't cry if she told him how she felt and he blocked her that wouldn't make the notebook a tearjerker so i want you to think ruby about the real

relationships that you look up to where you're like i that's the kind of love i want and recognize that this is the complete opposite of that maybe i'm showing my age in this but you know the movie legally blonde yep you know how she's like really into her boyfriend and he breaks up with her because she's at the very beginning and that's why she goes to law school because he says basically she's not smart enough and she's too like i think he says she's too marilyn monroe and not enough someone else i can't remember anyway in a movie ruby your ex would be that guy not the guy that she ends up with at the end yeah do you know what i mean would be the reason you became a lawyer no but you know we watch that movie and we're like oh my god he's such an asshole he breaks

up with her and he's mean to her and then whatever and then she goes off and and goes to harvard and all of that but in that, he's not the protagonist. She's the protagonist, first of all. But he's not the great guy that she ends up with or the relationship that's exciting or the love story that we cry for, to your point. He's just like this weird side character that we don't like. And hopefully this is helpful for Ruby

because she can maybe look at him through that lens. I'm going to read a moment from the book that relates to what you have just said. Audrey, please hold. At the end of the day, remember, this is your life we are talking about, Ruby. Not your exes. Breakups only remain devastating if you continue to make them the star of the movie you're watching about your own life. Very good. In truth, the moment the breakup happened, their life, their choices, their successes, the romance or love they find are utterly irrelevant to you.

Now that you're no longer with them, who they are dating or what they are up to is no more important than who a random barista is dating in a coffee shop you don't even go to. They are just another person living their life. You're the hero of this story, Ruby. And there's no better time to be heroic than when things are at their worst. We love the character Rocky Balboa. Ruby, that was a film in the 80s. In case you've never seen it, go watch it. It's very relevant to your story right now.

We love the character Rocky Balboa not because he was a winner but because he was a fighter so fight fight i love that but ruby definitely watch legally blonde over rocky because you're going to enjoy it way more i'm just saying in a way same movie in a way some would say few would say ruby this whole thing is going to make you a more interesting person it's going to make you a more worldly person because you'll have experienced more of life. It's going to give you a greater empathy and compassion for other people who have been through the same experience. It's going to bring you closer to what real love is by learning what real love isn't, which is

what you've experienced in this situation. And what is so exciting for you is it all the best stuff is still ahead of you it is not behind you this story you're telling yourself is that the best stuff is behind you and the best stuff is ahead of you it's all to come think how good that felt and now know that something way better is coming. How awesome is that? We are sending you so much love. Yeah, Ruby. We know how hard it is. It really is painful.

But better times are coming. And you'll get through this. Because we do. Because we're resilient. And you are resilient, Ruby. So let us know. Send us another email, Ruby, in a month or after you listen to this episode and let us know how it impacted you.

Send us an email in six months. Keep us up to date with your journey so that we can follow along. And by the way, for everyone out there listening, if you haven't already, go over to whattosaynext.com because we have a free guide over there that shows you nine specific ways that you can spark up a conversation with someone new and connect with them. Ruby, I think you're going to enjoy it because it's going to create new opportunities for you.

Everyone else out there who feels like, you know what? Yeah, I want to meet a new person. I want to get out there and actually start connecting with new people. Again, this guide is for you. Whattosaynext.com is the link. Thank you all for listening. Leave us a review on wherever you listen to your podcasts. They mean a lot to us and we will see you next time. Be well and love life friends