Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 262: "I Want A Serious Relationship, But They Want To 'See How Things Go'"

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

How do you know is someone is ready for a relationship? What if they use phrases in their dating app like "If the right person came along, I'd be open to a relationship", or "I want to see how things go"? In this episode, Matt, Audrey and Stephen discuss how certain you need to be of someone's intentions in the early dating stages and how you should decide who to invest in so you don't waste your time with the wrong person. ►► Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com

Welcome back to the podcast everyone. This is Love Life with Matthew Hussey. I'm also joined by Stephen Hussey and Audrey Hussey today. We're excited to be with you. If you haven't already, I want you to go over to askmh.com and ask the question that if I were in the room with you right now you would want to ask me and what you will get is a very specific answer tailored exactly to your situation from our newest development Matthew AI you can text it you can call it if you call it you'll literally hear my voice answering the question as if you and I were on a phone call together. It is wild. It is not a generic answer. The answer is pulled from my content, from everything I've said over 17 years, which is why it is so accurate and the answers are so in-depth. You can call Matthew AI and hear my voice. You can text it

and get a text back. You can show it text messages. You could do all sorts of things with it. So just go play with it. That's my challenge to you. Just go have fun with it right now. Askmh.com is the link. And I think you're really going to enjoy today's podcast episode because we are going to be talking about a very confusing thing that people say on dating apps or when you're starting to talk to them about their intentions that can make you question whether you should continue to invest time in them check it out this is from a listener question that i wanted something more serious and since then I have tried to be more intentional about my dating goals when I chat to people on the apps. For example I swipe left straight away

when it says people are looking for something casual. However I wonder what your thoughts are on the I'm open to seeing where things go guy. Often when I share my attentions for dating when I'm chatting on apps I get responses that say well if the right girl came along I'd totally be open to seeing where it goes I find myself unsure of whether to date people who have this kind of dating goal if you can call it a goal because it feels as though it creates a power imbalance or something as if it puts the pressure on me to be that girl that makes them want a relationship as opposed to being two people who want the same things

and want to find out if it's with each other. I feel as though maybe I know the answer but I'd really like your take on when you're dating for something more serious and long-term. Do you bother dating men with this type of dating goal or do you just send them their way is it a recipe for disaster love the podcast and thank you for everything that you do Katie hey Katie I really like that she referred to these this genre of men as the I'm open to seeing where things go guy I think it's very common yeah it's also i think her instincts are good in that it's a very weak answer and i want to point out that it almost in some ways it sounds

more hopeful than it is if you think of someone who wants a relationship right you it would be logical to say if i found the right person i'd be in a i'd absolutely be in a committed relationship with them or if i found the right person i'd marry them if marriage is your thing seen in that context it's a weird thing for someone to say if i met the right girl i'd be open to seeing where it goes what i hear when i read that is if i met the right girl it's still not a sure thing yeah i'm still sort of all your work is ahead of you i'm still just seeing what that might become. Well, she astutely said, right?

It's basically, she's not, she feels like she doesn't just have to convince them to want a relationship with her. She feels like she has to convince them to want a relationship altogether, which is a big difference. Yeah, you don't want to be in the role of the convincer early on and i think a lot

of people get into this trap where they find someone who they go well they have 95 of everything i like but there's this pesky five percent of they need to be convinced and i think that's a false way to look at it because that five percent is actually a huge deal but you'll go well he is smart he works hard he's loving he loves his mom he's good at blah blah but you know and then you go well if we can just bring that five percent over then it's my perfect person and and yeah I think that role of being a convincer is just is a power imbalance for sure but you mentioned something interesting maybe having that conversation on a dating app before you've gone on a date with someone might be premature and kind of maybe not being able to take whatever the answer is that she gave too

seriously yeah here's the thing i think if on a dating app on a dating app you should definitely put what you're looking for just it asks you are you looking for a relationship whatever do you have to put it like do you don't have to but you can just tick a box that says looking for sneaky people who don't put anything you can put nothing um and I think that's fine but I don't you're not what you're not gonna get up front you know let's say a guy doesn't put that on his profile. I don't think it's going to help you to immediately try and screen and go, well, what are you looking for? Because I think some people have this idea, like I'm going to get all the information before I'm possibly going to even invest in going for a

coffee or a drink with someone because I want to know everything and I don't want to waste any time but I think that's like a false economy because it's very in it's it is intense up front it does put a lot of pressure on the person to think well maybe I do just want to go on date and see how this person is but maybe I won't vibe with them and i i you know i don't want to feel like i'm a jerk if i then don't and you you are going to have to at some point you're going to see how they are in person their dynamic the conversation and you can get information in that conversation which we were talking about earlier right matt you can still have all your boundaries early on and they're gonna be the thing like if he asks you to come back with him on a first date and

that's too fast for you if he just wants to every day he just wants you to come over to his place and hang out and you know go to bed together you're going to be able to have all kinds of opportunities to say hey i'm not actually looking for that i'm actually looking for something that isn't just casual those opportunities are going to come up and you're going to see the consistency of his communication how he talks about what he wants so those are going to be your times to talk about what you're looking for and see that but i don't think on a dating app you're going to have this thing where it's like tick tick tick i got everything up front and i know exactly this guy is going to be the commitment guy yeah but i a minority of guys

will just say up front i'm looking for a wife but i think those are a minority i also think that that's that would be suspicious if someone said, I'm looking for my wife. Right. So you're agreeing that it is a bit much. That would be love bomb, love bombing. No, my wife. If someone said like, yeah, I'm looking, you know, I want to find someone. I'm ready to meet someone.

I want to, you know, I want to, I want a relationship. That's fine. If someone says I'm looking for my wife, that would also be a red flag to me. Yeah. I do think that we have to yeah i don't know why looking for my wife is a red flag but it's because it's like what women want to hear but they know that they're doing it like it's it's a love bomb move in my opinion i agree i i think we have to separate out a couple of things so on a profile if someone says I'm looking for casual, then obviously swipe left.

I would argue if they say on their profile, if I met the right girl, I'd be open to seeing where it goes. Swipe left. Especially because they said girl. Right. I agree with that. If we're past that point because their profile hasn't necessarily alluded to what they're looking for, but you're in an exchange with someone and it's going well, I would argue that having a text exchange about what their intentions are is the wrong forum for that. And I think that I'm only thinking about this in real time,

but there's something interesting to me about this. We only really feel licensed to have those conversations with someone by text on a dating app because we're on a dating app. Now, there's no shortage of people that say they hate dating apps, right? I would argue most of the people that listen to this podcast, if they could meet someone in real life as opposed to on a dating app, they would opt for that. But let's take that scenario for a minute if you met someone in a coffee shop today who you thought was attractive

you had a nice conversation with and they said why don't we meet for coffee sometime you would not in your first few text exchanges then ask them what their intentions are that's so true it's a really really good point it would feel very very strange for someone to do that so that's kind of interesting because that's actually how most people would like for it to go down or a party you had a chat i met someone had a nice time oh my god i'm actually find this person attractive and we had a nice little five minute conversation and we have exchanged numbers great you all you say to that is great great great and you look forward to the possibility that you might end up on a date together and you kind of

write it off as well if i find out on the date together. And you kind of write it off as, well, if I find out on the date, a whole bunch of things I don't like, then I guess so be it. That's part of the nature of the game, right? I met a stranger and it turned out they weren't right for me or our goals aren't aligned. But we then take a much more ruthless approach in online dating where we don't even want to have a conversation with someone before we know what their intentions are. And I think that we would have a here is to see if me and this person can have a great conversation, to see if we enjoy texting each other, to see if we make each other laugh, to see if it feels like we flow and we have a similar sense of humor. And that's my first port of call. And then if we get on a date and I find out our goals aren't aligned, we are only talking

about one evening here. We're not talking about you're two months in and you find out that they have different intentions than you. So I agree with you, Steve, that it's good to have filters. We are always talking about having filters in all of our work. But you can't hedge your way out of every possible risk to your time and energy. You just can't do it. And I wrote this article where I said, what you need in the first, first, just to go on a date, CFA, like cute, friendly, available. And, you know, obviously you should trust that they're, you know, a good person and, you know, going to be safe and all those things, but cute, friendly, available. That's all you're looking for at the beginning. It's like, tick. Okay, let's go get a

coffee. Let's get a drink. And being judgmental for like five other criteria at that point, it's just stuff that you don't know yet and you can't really judge yet. But where the people I know who go like trying to judge everything before they meet tend to not do well in dating. They tend to not be open-minded enough to meet someone who surprises them or to they're not taking enough roles of the dice yeah oh and by the way let's let's you know this works on the other side of the spectrum too where people will say they texted a bit too much and that's why I never went on a date with them. And that's always interesting to me because that goes to your point that there's all these ways that we disqualify people before we ever really give them a chance. Again, I'm not saying the

person who openly says, you know, if I met the right girl, I'd be open to seeing where it goes. I think that is a bullshit weak answer that if now that she has heard that from him or any guy, I would say don't look back. Yeah. The guy, the guy who says that in real life is a big no. I would absolutely. I agree with her that that, that to me is a red flag for you're going to waste your time with this person. And all that person has learned is that saying they're not in the market for anything and killing any hope is a great way to not get laid. Not get laid. Can we dissect that sentence quickly just to before because it's just it's so perfect well if the right girl

came along i'd totally be open to seeing where it goes yeah could you imagine anything non more non-committal being said ever not open to a relationship to seeing where it goes how many hoops does this woman have to jump through before she gets approved that means that means that if by chance of all the people in the world you happen to be this man's right girl then your grand prize is that he'd be open to seeing where it goes. Like what that's, you have to then say to yourself, the prize for being number one is not worth winning. And your gap on seeing where it goes is absolutely nowhere to lasting marriage

and everything in between. Yeah. Yeah. It's a wide gap. Yeah. We'll see if you're, if you are my perfect partner, if you are what I've been looking for my whole life, then yeah, absolutely. We'll see what happens.

No, I mean, she's right. Katie, you're right. It's weak. It shouldn't interest you. It's worth moving on from anyone who says that i the only challenge i'm making is that when you're talking to someone i do think that it's far more important to see if you get along with someone and then to understand that your your actual filters are the boundaries you have in real time. That if you're on a date with someone and you ask them questions about their life and, you know, how they find it being single and are they someone who enjoys being in relationships? And, you know, you can ask those questions, but that's a conversation. Right. I think that that's when it happens by text, it's not a conversation, it's an interrogation. And it doesn't allow for that easygoing flow of this is part of me getting

to know you in, in which then by the way, you could do what you like with that information. But I think in texting someone that it almost is a way of communicating that you're afraid or that you've been burned in the past too many times, that there is a sense of like frustration about the way you're going about this process. I don't think a date is the biggest risk to your time in the world. And I think you can learn a lot by being on a date with someone. And by the way, they'll also learn, there's many more crossroad moments where someone will learn what you're all about. You know, if at the end of the date, they try to go home with you, they'll learn what you're all about they'll learn your standards if they have a date with you and then they drop off the map for five days and you don't hear from them and then all of a sudden they

text you again they'll learn who you are and what you're all about that you value consistency and so all everything we ever talk about is about how you respond in key moments but what you can't do before you've ever got to the point of really even connecting with someone is try to ward off any of those crossroad moments so that they never happen because that's just not real life i love that and i just have one last question because if i'm'm Katie, I'm going, yep, loud and clear. I won't do that again. But you know, you know, you make a good point. I think she's basically being like, I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to get hurt. I've, you know, basically been on enough dates now to know that men will quite gladly waste my time if I let them.

So how do I find out an early dates that somebody is actually open to being in a relationship? Not just, you know, if the right girl comes along, they're open to seeing if it potentially could, might go somewhere, maybe. I would make the date. If you imagine a business meeting, right? For an opportunity between two people who may do business together sounds very sexy imagine you're just business hold on there's a point to this comparison imagine you're on zoom business meeting, there's often a combination of, do we feel that we get along and are two people who would enjoy doing business together? And that is not something you can ask someone. It's only something you can feel by having conversation by telling a couple of jokes by

seeing if you have the same kind of outlook on life and you see if you have chemistry with that person and you would enjoy doing business with this person but what their intentions are in business or where they want to take this project or how long they want to be in this business for, those are questions that you have to ask. And so there's often a kind of part of a business meeting where you're looking for whether you have chemistry. And then there's often a part where, you know, there's an acceptance that, and now I'm going to ask you some questions to actually see what we've got here. So, you know, that thing you were, you know, you were talking about, I wanted to ask you about it. And now you get into the kind of brass tacks of, is this going to work? Do you on, albeit less formal, which is first we're trying to figure out if there's chemistry and you can't ask if there's chemistry. You can only feel if there's chemistry based on the way that you interact with each other. But at some point, you also want to see if there's any point in seeing each other again based on the goals that the two

of you have and that doesn't have to be as ruthless as so what are your goals for your love life I think a lot can be learned from just talking about whether they are a relationship person whether you know do they feel like a relationship is something they're looking for at this stage or are they enjoying being single and is you know for them is being out there just something that they're enjoying for its own sake so are they a relationship person do you prefer being in a relationship or being single what other ways in what other conversations that we can have? Remember, you can always start by stating the things that are exciting to you. Right? You don't have to launch in with a question for them.

You can say, I am, you know, I've really enjoyed my, you know, my life being a single person. I have a lot of independence. I've kind of structured my life in a way that I really enjoy. And, you know, it's fun to have, you know, time for my friends and time for my work, which it brings me so much joy or which I really love. And, you know, I can get a bit carried away with my sense of purpose sometimes. And however you want to dress that up, right. It's that you can talk about the positives of your life, but say, but I also, as someone who's, you know, I, I'm a very, I'm a person who really values connection. I'm a person who really values meaningful relationships. And I've definitely got to a point in my life where the idea of something really meaningful with someone, the idea of having an amazing team with someone is really exciting to me you know I look at friends of mine who have partners where they're just an amazing team and it's awesome you know to me that's like what it's what a great relationship is is two people who are a team like that and

you know I've I know that i wouldn't sell for less than that but i know that for me finding that is something that's really exciting to me how about you like what what do you get excited by for your life you know by the way let's not forget because people might be like yeah but if you don't ask them a very direct question about whether they want a relationship or not you're not going to get a direct answer no no no no people are talking all the time even when they're not talking people are telling you things when they're not telling you things if you say what about you and they spend the next 10 minutes talking about their career you got an answer that was an answer that's clever i never thought of that before yeah

that was a chance for them to tell you that they also love the idea of finding a relationship and they chose not to that was a decision So you did learn something in that moment. I think you're totally right. It's like, how do they see their future? You can find out how they feel about their previous or recent relationships. And what are they prioritizing now? What do they say matters to them a lot and they're looking for? And I talk about this in the book, the new book, Love Life, for anyone who already has a copy. There's a moment where I tell a story about Tanya, my friend, who would, she would even go on dates and talk about the fact that she's'm not saying this is right or wrong for anyone else, but she would go on a first date and talk about how she had, has had an amazing career, but how that career

had her really focusing intensely for a long time. And now, and she loved that part of her life, but she's also really excited now to, um, you know, for other goals in her life, personal goals, like having a relationship and being, you know, becoming a goals in her life, personal goals, like having a relationship and being, you know, becoming a mother. And those things are really exciting to her. So even at that level, when she's talking about something even more serious than finding a relationship or something that's even more of a commitment, she's still able to bring it up in a way that is exciting and positive and framed around her life and why this moment in time is something is a time when she's excited about that and she gets to see his response and

you get to see their response and remember if you're coming away from their response going i don't know what they think about that then they opted not to tell you that they had the same goal and and occam'sor says the reason, Occam's Razor is the simplest explanation, is often the best explanation. If they chose not to say, I agree or I resonate with that, it's because they don't resonate with that.

Confusion is an answer. Katie, I hope this was helpful. Thank you so, so much for sending your question in. And thank you so so much for sending your question in and thank you guys so much for the amazing insight send in your questions podcast at matthewhussey.com what should the subject line be for the for these emails um open to seeing where things go guy it's quite it's a very long subject see wait and see guy what about see where it goes i'm not a casual girl not yet a woman that was left field it was just quoting britney songs now he called her girl got it okay casual clancy casual

i know um all right i know the subject line should be right girl let's see okay i like it okay right girl let's see thank you everybody thank you everyone for watching don't forget to check out matthew ai if you have a question for me, which, you know, why wouldn't you? We all have questions. Go and actually get Matthew AI's response to your question. You can text it, you can call it, whatever you want. If you can think up a question, you can ask it. And I promise you, Matthew AI will have an answer for you. Go to askmh.com to try it out now, and we will see you next time. Be well, friends, and love life.