Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 273: How to Stop Yourself Over-investing in Early Dating

Episode Date: November 27, 2024

Do you find it easy to fall for one person too quickly? Maybe you start dating with the intention of keeping your options open, but you find yourself repeatedly chasing the first person you like (even if they aren't showing the same level of effort in response). In this episode, Matt, Stephen and Audrey discuss how to date intelligently and find the balance between meeting enough people to give yourself options but also investing in the right person when they come along. ►► Never Face Your Love Life Alone Again Try Matthew AI at http://www.AskMH.com ►► Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com -- Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey Follow Audrey @theaudreyhussey

Welcome back everybody to the Love Life Podcast. I'm here with Audrey Hussey and Stephen Hussey today. We are going to be talking about whether it's okay to date multiple people at the same time. In fact, we're going to go a step further and say, should you date multiple people at the same time? Now, before you have a strong reaction to that, I want you to hear everyone out because there are some interesting reasons for approaching early dating this way that you might not expect. Before we get into the episode, we have a super special, super rare Black Friday offer right now for Matthew AI. You can try Matthew AI for a whole month, unlimited, half off, which makes it $19. That's essentially the next best thing to having me coaching you in your love life every minute of the day, whenever you need, for the entire month for just $19. Go try it out at askmh.com

and take advantage of the Black Friday sale while it's available. When you get there, you can try it for free. And then if you love it, which I think you will, you can get it for an entire month, half off at $19. Askmh.com is the link. Enjoy. so we are talking today about whether we should date multiple people i want to just... Caveat. Well, yes. Hedge. Hedge away, my friend. I'm not suggesting... This isn't an episode about having a rotation of people that you're hooking up with at any one time. It's not that. where we are just getting to know someone a little bit, where maybe we just met them and we went on a date or two and we like them, or we're speaking to them from an app. How quickly should we eliminate all of our other options, stop texting other people back, stop going on dates, stop being intimate with somebody else

versus continuing to explore other options because it feels like the wise thing to do and why and what are the benefits of continuing to explore our options is your experience do you think people get obligated too quickly to one person one of the things that i always pains me a little bit when people ask me questions is it often feels immediately evident that the person they are agonizing over isn't agonizing over them. That they have made someone their only option when the other person maybe isn't thinking of them like that at all. And that creates this big power imbalance between you and another person where how could you not think too much about them when you've made them your only option and you're like, well,

I really want to see where this goes, but they're still seeing other people. And this is tricky, right? Because if you go on a great date with someone and you have a really good time, that feels like something we should say, well, let me give this a try. But that's the thing, right? Is that when you, if you meet someone and you think this has potential and you like them, let's say you even see them a couple of times, you might go, if I see someone else, if I sleep with someone else, that feels like this taints this thing. It spoils something about it. I think that's what some people feel. Yeah. And I want to be clear. I think it is, you're creating headaches for yourself at the very least if you go and sleep with other people after you've decided you like someone and you want to see where it goes you are creating complications because now you're you're you're creating situations you have to explain and talk to someone about so i don't necessarily think if we even are advocating for dating

multiple people, and I want to get onto the nuances of what that might actually look like, but I do think sex complicates things unnecessarily. You might even, to go one step back even further, you might even say to yourself, well, let me not jump too quickly into bed with the person I like. Because once I've done that, I am now going to feel strange going on dates with other people. Then maybe I don't want to introduce that complication for myself yet until I've got more of a sense of their intentions. But if we break this down to a very nuanced level, when we talk about dating multiple people, what do we even mean? Does it actually mean going on dates? Does it actually mean seeing other people regularly? Or does it just mean speaking to people continuing to keep your options open because these days everyone i'll say let's say most people are on

dating apps people do start these days by speaking to multiple people that's probably become more normal than it ever used to be because maybe it used to be the case you just met someone at a bar you met someone at a coffee shop that's your potential for a date this week now most people are on an app they get a few matches they're talking to a few people so everyone has more like potential leads and maybe i'm talking a bit with this one maybe this person wants to go on a date this person maybe so i think people then are always trying to decide what is this other person seeing other people and do they have other dates lined up this week and is it okay if i continue to do the same or can i just go home and talk to those people but see where it goes with this person should i just it i think that's where people are making that decision

should i should i date multiple at the same time should i wait till see how one goes and then go back to those other people i think these are the dilemmas that are very common right now i think so much depends on the momentum you feel with someone like if you go on a great date with someone and within a few days they're like it'd be great to see you again then you know go on another date with that person it's not like you have to go well no i should go on another date i should go on a date with someone else first just to spread you know hedge my bets yeah it's certainly not going to be a crime for you to text other people in the meantime right just for you to have some exchanges or

if someone, if there's someone you're talking to right now, like there's nothing wrong with that. You haven't done anything wrong. But if you see someone again and you have a great time and it feels like the conversation, the communication is really good after that date, then you may conclude, well, I certainly certainly i don't need to be seeing anyone else or i don't need to be talking to anyone else because there is a genuine momentum to this that like there's real progress here like you're talking every day you're on the phone or you've got a plan for the next weekend yeah there's momentum rather than we went on a date and i'm not sure if they're going to call back yeah it's probably down to the intentionality that you feel from the other person because what

dating culture these days has created is a real lack of intentionality no one's very present with each other in the early stages to your point steven like it's the norm now to be dating, texting, just kind of keeping multiple options open if you have multiple options going. But you're right, like sometimes you meet people and you just feel a level of intentionality. You feel a level of like it clicks in a way that this isn't, by the way, like we have a great connection. That's a different thing, because what you might feel is a great connection might just be someone giving you a great date. So I think that's a really important distinction. But you do feel it when somebody is in the evenings because they're telling you I'm going out for dinner with my friends I'm going to see my mom I'm staying in playing video games I'm doing whatever and you know I can't wait to see you on in two days and then they text you and they call you and you just kind of think like okay if you're dating other people I don't really know where you're fitting all of that in there like you might be texting other people but I get the sense that

my attention your attention is on me I think if you get that feeling from someone and you feel the same way about them then like totally focus on that person but one of the things that is really interesting about this subject in my opinion is when we like someone we almost use this kind of like, this kind of devotion to them as an excuse to just almost give in to the fact that we're feeling pretty obsessed and keen on that person. Yeah, the I don't date multiple people at once policy is almost like a righteous cover for our over-investing in someone

at a stage where they haven't really earned that from us yet I don't know like it's case by case but there's something in my opinion healthy about you know meeting the person where they're at and one great day does not mean that you should be messaging all the other people you've been messaging going I'm sorry I've met someone and I like them and I'm gonna see where it goes because you don't even know if you're gonna get a second date yeah you don't know if like you don't you have no idea how this person feels about you versus if you've been dating for a few weeks and you really feel like it's going somewhere then I think yeah by all means you know there is definitely something to be said about focusing on one person. And I think that that does give you, you don't know

what you have with someone unless you focus on them and you go all in on them. But it has to be earned. Yeah, it's really tricky. We've used the analogy before that, like, the paradox of this is that when I'm asked what's hard about modern dating, one of the things I will say to your point, Stephen, about online dating and how many options it can present us with in a short space of time is that we struggle to really get invested in someone when we're never really connecting to that person and we have multiple stories going on at the same time it's like having six different tv screens all on the wall at the same time and putting six great movies, one on each of them and hitting play on all of those movies all at the same time. They may be six great movies, but at the end of it, if you ask that person watching all six screens, what did you think? Did you get it? Did you feel impacted by that movie? They won't feel impacted by any of them because you can't get connected to a single movie when you're watching five other movies at the same time. And there's some element of that going on

in dating today where a lot of people never really commit because they never get invested enough to see how amazing someone is because they never get invested enough to see how amazing someone is because they're spreading their energy around so much now that sounds like a very confusing point to make in the context of what we're talking about and i think it highlights the kind of the the paradox between you know this is seemingly impossible thing of how do I give enough and get curious enough and invest enough to get genuinely invested while not getting too invested while not becoming giving someone too much power and continuing to maybe talk to other people to explore other options so that I don't give that person too much power.

It all can feel like, God, this is just impossible. Now, you're right to feel that confusion if you're watching this right now and you're hearing all of that. This is what makes it challenging. This is what makes dating so confusing. We didn't make dating this confusing. Dating is this confusing in a lot of situations. You have two different people at different like, I'm going to just play the field and meet lots of people until one person really stands out to me. And then I'll let go of everybody else. But I'm certainly not going to do that on date one. And that's also, by the way, why a lot of people probably ghosting happens and people wonder why.

It's probably because that person just decided, oh, I actually met someone I'm really into. And then they just stopped talking to like three other people and then people go what like we went on two dates so what happened it might be literally that you know i mean they just went oh bam actually i really want to go for this person and they didn't have the and the courtesy to say like hey i met someone i'm so sorry yeah you know that's absolutely right the the truth is there's no one right answer to any of this and there is no perfect rule that you can apply to any of this for example and i know audrey you mentioned this the other day that it gets even

more complicated when the person you just met and had a great time with is actually long distance they were in your town for a couple of weeks and now they're back in their town somewhere far far away that's even more difficult because now you're going what do like am i really gonna now stop seeing anyone else based on this encounter that I had, which I really enjoy, or which I had a great time in. I felt amazing connection. And like, am I going to put my life on hold right now? Does this situation actually warrant me putting the rest of my life on hold right now? Would it be reasonable for this person to assume that I am putting the rest of my life on hold right now. And I often think that a kind of a good test to run on ourselves is to say, do I feel comfortable

having a real conversation with them about how I expect them not to see anyone else right now do i feel comfortable having that conversation and if the answer is no because it feels really premature for that then why is it i'm acting in that way you know what i mean that's a good point why am i applying that test to myself and then we have to suspect ourselves because now i'm probably over investing and over obsessing in this person not from a place of we're both doing the same thing and yeah okay maybe we're moving a little fast but we both really like each other so we quite quickly decided that we want to see where this goes no we're not having an open conversation about that you're investing on what you hope will happen rather than what

you're seeing yeah you're investing and maybe more than what you hope a story you've constructed in your mind about what is happening even though there's no evidence that that is happening how do you date with intentionality and find someone who's also intentional whilst acting fairly unintentional because you're dating other people because you don't know if they're dating? It's very confusing. Like, how do you actually navigate that? I think we have to try to find a rhythm that works from the point of view of it's not like i met you yesterday and now we're going to get in

a love nest together for the next two weeks because there is something inherently kind of unreliable about that even if it's a good human being it's like trust the love nest well you just don't you can't trust the feelings you get in that for two weeks beware the love nest that's the email sub subject for this episode all right if you want to email us put beware the love nest in the subject line podcast at matthewhussy.com you sound unhappy about that no no Calling everyone who wants to come and see me and Audrey live in New York this December. We are going to be in New York on December the 5th. If you are a Love Life member, you already are eligible for a ticket. If you are not currently a member of my Love Life coaching program, there is still time to join so that you can get an invite to this event. The event is called Love Life Live. It is

an exclusive in-person member event for all of my Love Life members. It's going to be super intimate because I'm not doing big tours right now. I'm just showing up to a few cities for my Love Life members. But I wanted to say to anyone who is either around New York, the East Coast, or frankly, anybody who wants a trip to New York for the holidays, because I mean, New York's one of the best places

in the world for the holidays. If you want to turn it into a little adventure and make it a destination and come and spend a little bit of time with us, I am going to be in an intimate setting with my Love Life members. Tickets are on sale right now, but they're only available to people who are in my Love Life coaching program. If you would like to come and join my Love Life coaching program so that you can come and see me in New York, go to joinlovelife.com. Those feelings we have when we are in that proximity to someone every single day, nonstop,

they are unreliable, right? We are, what we're trying to see is if we get to know someone organically over the coming weeks does it progress to something and i i do think what we should be careful of is not doing anything with another person that we feel like we will feel uncomfortable explaining right that's a pretty good rule to have for yourself if i feel like i don't want if this goes somewhere and i have to explain this and it's going to make me feel bad then let me not do that but if it's just that i don't know what this is right now and at some point we'll have a conversation and that conversation will look something like hey i'm not you know I'm I'm kind of open to seeing where this goes and not seeing anyone else right now if you're in the same place because I feel like we have a

this is we've got kind of a good thing going here when you have that conversation then it becomes a very real moment to say okay we've set a little bit of a boundary here but before that we have to be very very careful of saying i'm not gonna entertain anyone else because the extreme of that is someone who says i've been seeing someone for the last year and i haven't seen anyone else and what do I do and then when you explore it you realize that this person on the other end of this isn't texting them all that much is only seeing them sporadically and it's like you've used the language that you're seeing someone I don't think this person over there is using this language when someone asks them about their

love life i don't think they're saying i'm seeing someone i think that they're saying i'm single and i think that's crucial to understand the context of where this conversation is coming from because we hear the result when people do over focus too early and we hear the result when people do over-focus too early. And we hear that result, they're just like, a year, two years, this person came back, they said this, then they went away again. We've seen what happens if someone does. They're like, I'm just going to keep doubling down this investment and maybe eventually it has a big payoff but you know like you say you you kind of need to go to investing again you need like a margin of safety there or you need to say like how much cost am i willing to bear for this uncertainty and that cost might be too much time too much energy i i agree i if you like spell it out it's like let's say you have

a great date with someone tonight you then arrange to see them again next friday if you suddenly decide okay I'm not gonna see anyone else now then you are in a situation where you've already decided I'm mentally I've kind of gone all in on this person and what this could be and you're now wondering what it could be and you're overthinking and you're overplanning and you're talking to your friends about this person and you're getting frustrated that they haven't texted you today or upset or insecure or anxious

and all of this is happening over someone you had a great date with on Friday or upset, or insecure, or anxious. And all of this is happening over someone you had a great date with on Friday. Like all of that emotion is happening in week one of you having had a good time with someone. And again, I'm not suggesting that you should go and like, if you've been hooking up with someone and then all of a sudden you meet someone great tonight, I'm not suggesting three days from now go and hook up. you maybe hit pause on something for a moment but you don't have to stop texting everybody all of a sudden you don't have to suddenly withdraw from your dating life because you had a good date with someone and i think what happens a lot is people don't scope out the field enough not as in play the field go sleep a lot of people but actually have experience of

maybe going on dates with different kinds of people meeting different kinds of people and sometimes this is why I always say be very unselective about who you will meet or have a conversation with be very selective about who you will invest time and emotion in and a lot of people I think do it the other way around sometimes. They might close themselves off, be really selective, like, I never meet anyone I'm attracted to ever, ever. It's so rare, blah, blah, blah. They meet the first person that's exciting to them in however long, six months, a year, two years, and they're all in. Like this, like, bam, this this never happens I never meet

anyone I'm attracted to you're just not being exposed to enough options you're not being open enough about you know maybe you do go for a coffee with someone maybe you're not meeting enough people in your everyday life maybe you're not initially going on enough dates to meet different kinds of people and then when you get excited about someone this is the other dangerous thing you have like one good day or two good dates with someone in a way even if it's not going anywhere it it satisfies a drug hit the drug hit might even just be like it's fun to go through the roller coaster of being into someone and i story going on in my love life now i think about them i listen to spotify music that i wouldn't usually listen to because it's about

love and i'm kind of enjoying talking about them and like the chess move of should i text them today and and in a way it gives you your drug of like i've got a thing a person to focus attention on and i think that's what can be the dangerous part is you actually kind of you can have quite a toxic relationship with that sometimes even if it's not going somewhere per se it's kind of like but i've got this thing and it's better than when i was just like didn't have someone i was attracted to i want to almost back out of this for a moment and bring in the romantic in me who doesn't want any of this to be the case because i at my core i truly understand anyone who is like i hate the idea of dating multiple people at the same time, or talking to multiple people at the same time. It is not for me. I am a one person at a time

kind of a person. And if I meet someone I like, I want to explore that love story. I, on a visceral level, I understand that and I feel connected to that and I like that reality. And if you went on a great date with someone tonight, like let's play this scenario again and go, okay, now you've gone on a great date with someone tonight. And at the end of the day, it's so clear you've both had an amazing time and the person you went on a date with says I hope it's not too forward but I'd really like to see you again like a couple of nights from now like are you free the day after tomorrow and you say yes and then you wake up the next day to a text from this person I'm not talking about the love bomber who starts saying ridiculous, crazy shit. I'm just talking about someone who is wakes up and is excited to text you. It's like, hey, I was thinking about last night.

I had such a great time. How are you? How's your morning? And you're straight into having like a great text exchange. You keep texting through the day. The next day you are seeing each other you send a couple of texts before seeing each other looking forward to seeing you tonight how's your day been if that's what you're dealing with right now put people on pause but that's what i was saying about the intentionality if you're sensing that level of intentionality yeah lean into it like see what it is this is not us saying that you have to

artificially crowbar other in love interests in yeah in order to uh in some way assuage your nerves or your anxieties or stop you from over investing in this person this is not that i in that scenario that i've just laid out i don't think you should continue to talk to other people because you wouldn't want to in that scenario because you're just like it all depends as well on how much you like somebody like that that's literally like your ability to continue texting other people is dependent on how into the person you are and how much intentionality they're showing you now let me give you another example okay because i almost think what we have there is one example

of someone who's being very intentional where there's great like a sense of progression there's a the communication between the dates is great. It's not a long period of time between the dates. So go with it. What the hell? Like amazing. See where it goes. Don't get ahead of yourself, but be in it while it's happening. The other scenario we've talked about is the person who's just sort of, in a sense, playing you and playing on the fact that they've been on one date, wowed you, and now you're into them and only them. Meanwhile, they're off having their fun with whoever they want, right? But there's a middle ground between these two, which is the person who goes on a date with you, does like you, but is also, for whatever reason, the kind of person who's kind of chill in this area of their life

right now right they're not like trying to hook up left right and center but they had a great date with you they're very busy at their work they're busy enough in their life in general to sort of be able to drop the ball for a few days but well you know what i mean like maybe they send a couple of texts they don't ghost you for those days but it's not like there's not this feeling of like this person's into me since this date and we're continuously talking and there's this sort of mutual excitement instead what you have is a person who had a great time who is like i had a great time i did they're being a little laid back about it yeah because they're maybe like there's something i don't know i don't want to stereotype about this kind of person but let's say this person is a person who has options let's say they're a person who is uh

attractive or gets attention let's say they're a person who's pretty happy in their life. But then you should have options. So this is where I'm going, is that you might meet someone who is not a player, but is very much in a place in their life where they're quite happy to have a great date, see you again a week from now to see where it goes, but their life is very full.

So in the meantime, they're just doing their thing. And so there's a kind of a different rhythm, right? There's nothing wrong with that. That's not like, oh, what a bad person, you should ditch. No, they're just, that's their rhythm. But that rhythm shouldn't earn your sole focus if that's someone's rhythm and your response to that is i don't date multiple people at once

then you start looking like a person who's very out of sync with the the temperature of what's actually going on here you're out of rhythm you're playing out of time yeah i think also you touched on this in the beginning but one of the most important points of this is it does create such a big power imbalance in a situation like this because the person who is continuing to date and who is continuing to just live their life and is like yeah it likes you but isn't like necessarily investing in you in that way they hold all the cards and they hold all the power because they can be very chill because they have got other options they have other things in their lives meanwhile if you really like them you're just kind of like zeroing in on them.

And every day that goes by that you're texting or not texting as much as you like, or every time that you see them, you just reconfirm yourself. You sort of reaffirm the fact that you really like them. And I think that creates like, it literally makes your value drop and then their

value rise in a world where actually if you were going well I will just not over invest in this situation I will be to your point in sync with what they're doing you get to actually retain your value and then even in their eyes they go like oh well this person has stuff going on they're not waiting at the end of the phone for my text they're not you know you've sensed that energy i think it's something that you can feel do you know what this is really about is presence it's actually about being present with the situation you have that's so true if you're dating someone and their rhythm is like at the moment it's like they're up for seeing you maybe once a week. They'll send a few texts in between.

There's nothing about them that says player type, bad guy, whatever. It's not like when they see you, it's all about, can I get you home to sleep with you? You are actually having great dates with this person. But that's the cadence. It's once a week. Well, be present with that if if you don't hear from someone for two or three days and put them in the bin someone else figuratively you're so you're like if someone doesn't text you for two or three days just

that's it well hang on when though like after the first day no well yeah kind of I sort of think like it's a long time not to text if you obviously means you don't care but that's my point is that we almost I think we get too in how easy to say right because when you like someone you like someone but in in some ways we get too emotional about these things and not kind of objective it we what what do i mean by this no it's not that we get too emotional we get too personal it's like someone doesn't text us for two or three days and we start like questioning our existence and we start going how do i get more of them instead of just recalibrating and going well if you don't text me for two or three days and in

the meantime someone else sent who's cute sends me a text i'm responding to that text i think if someone yeah and i think if someone doesn't text you for two or three days, they probably don't, like, for me, I would read that as they just don't like me that much. Yeah, or they like me but they are not in any way being intentional. Someone can really like you and absolutely not be being intentional in their love life. Someone can really like you and be seeing for other people they really like like it's not at a certain point it's not even about like the whole he's just not that into you thing it's like it assumes that every time someone is really into someone they commit to them that's not true you can be really into lots of different people at the same time and that's what you're doing with your life is you're just getting really into lots of people and there's all kinds of reasons people don't commit

yeah they could be really into you and be like i'm not looking for a relationship or i'm not in a stage of my life where this is what i'm about or whatever and so i think sometimes we get so sort of hung up on this idea of whether they're into us or not that we don't it again it's another way of just not being present with the reality of the situation which is and i agree with you audrey because if someone's not takes to do for two or three days whether they're not into me or not being intentional they just became a lot less interesting like that that person should now be a lot less interesting and every time a situation gets less interesting we it should be a signal to us to start opening up the playing field again to what is interesting you know something that has really been on my mind lately a lot which i think is really relevant to this in life you one of your most valuable currency in life is your attention

and yeah keep going with this i like this i think i've talked to you about this already you know i was i think about it with social media it's like everyone's trying to get your attention and you know when you're when you're where it's scrolling on social media on the phone to somebody on a date with somebody whatever it might be what you're doing in that moment is you are pouring your energy and your attention into them and we only have a certain amount of attention and energy to give right in any given day and every time we are every time we're pouring our attention into somebody else we're not pouring it into ourselves and when i think of the person for instance i know we're sort of on a tangent

but it's kind of all relevant because it does tie into your point about presence when somebody doesn't message us for three days what that tells me if someone doesn't message me for three days is whether or not they like me, they're not thinking about me. Yep. I don't have their attention. So the idea of then spending the next three days of my life putting all my attention on somebody who isn't even thinking about me, seems crazy, logically, if you remove the emotion from it. And the idea that I have a policy that because I've had a good time with this person, I am going to reserve all of my attention exclusively for them, which is another way of saying I'm not going to date around, is kind of, when you think of it that way, it's a little bit bonkers. Because we're not basing anymore,

we're not basing the exclusivity of our attention on the attention they're giving us. We're basing the exclusivity of our attention on the fact that we had a good time with them two weeks ago. It's a really dangerous place to come from. This is what I mean by being present. Not dating other people should be a response yeah it's a really dangerous place to come from this is what i mean by being present not dating other people should be a response to the amount of attention you're getting from someone yeah it

should be a response to the amount of consistency and communication and progression you're getting from someone if it's not you're not being present with the situation you're imagining a situation you're projecting a future that you want to happen you're living in some idea of what it could be you're not being present with what is intellectually this is so true and i agree with all of it it is really really hard to put into practice when you like someone because i think when you like someone you don't want to date other people and I'm not you know there's so many so much nuance to this conversation right because after one date yes you should probably not over invest but what if you've been on like four dates and you really like them but you're not really getting that kind of intentionality and attention

that you're talking about but then you're going well it is early days so I can't expect it necessarily from them but also like I don't really want to meet other people because I'm like really into this person I don't always like comparing it to a kind of business situation but if if you are like I just really, really want to make the sale to this client. And you sit by the phone because you had one good call with them or four good calls with them. You sit by the phone hoping that they're going to call you back. And you're like, I know, I just, I don't want to call any other potential prospects. I don't want to. I just potential prospects. I don't want to. I just, I want to, I want it to be this person.

Well, you're like, your business might go under while you wait. You're not, you're not respecting the fact that your business can't rely on this client. It's something you can't do in your love life. It's not, we think it's all about how much we like someone. It's not. We think it's all about how much we like someone. It's not. Since when did that become like the arbiter of our love life? And like what happens is how much I like someone. Our love life isn't dictated by how much we like someone. We know that, right? We've liked people in the past a lot and nothing has happened. So the idea that like it matters how much i like this person that that's what i should be deciding on and not what it is they're actually how they're actually showing

up in my life that is a recipe for wasting our lives and it's true when you're even trying even if you're pursuing someone at the very beginning of something, like there's this Charlie Munger quote about like in investing, it's like, you've got to fish where the fish are. There's no point going and putting out your lure out where the fish aren't. You've got to go where the fish are. And in a way, it's like start with the people who are giving you the response you want and see who you like out of those.

Yeah, those are the only ones that matter. It doesn't matter how much you like the person who's not calling you right it's almost like who's giving you the actual attention and interest right now oh these people at the party are all want to talk to me so let's see out of them which i like not those people who are totally ignoring me as well how do i like you know can i just win them over or beat them down until they like finally pay attention and it makes you such a like when you decide you don't want to date anyone else because you just really like this person even though they're clearly not making you their only option you're just ripe to be taken advantage of

because if they're this kind of person they can rely on the fact that you are not going to see anyone else while they do whatever they want. They rely on the fact that you're like, I just like this person too much to go on any other dates. But they're not earning that from you. They're not earning your sole focus. So who wins? If we're like, oh, but I don't want to see anyone else. You don't win from that mindset.

Someone else might win, but you definitely don't win from that mindset. It doesn't get you more respect. It doesn't make someone try harder. It doesn't make them call us more. We have to get into the mindset of being present with the situation we have. And someone who's not really trying or progressing things or, you know, I got a question this week from someone saying, you know, they, they, what do you do in a situation where, know they text you every couple of weeks and still don't ask you on a date and it's like this is what we're talking about like yeah this we're giving air time to this person i'm wasting my breath on this person now can you imagine imagine this person who exists somewhere in the world who texts someone

every two weeks never asks them on a date and now he's got matthew hussey doing a video on him and he'll never know i am sitting here talking about this person with my life. That makes me mad. Sorry, Matt. You brought it up. It's not your fault. No, I don't. But that makes me mad that I'm talking about them.

And I'm talking about them because you're talking about them, even though this person would be blown away by the fact that they're talking about me that's it is a shocking level of airtime that this person is getting why because we're not being present with the situation and saying oh but I don't want to date anyone else I really like this person it actually starts to look like a really crazy thing to say I really love that point you said on presence I think it's so powerful when you really connect to that intellectually connect to that point I think it's yeah it's kind of the key to to all things i always have this thing in life where if like if someone in any context work relationship it's like if i'm not getting that response or investment

or something didn't work out it's like like a gps when it's like recalculating and it changes the route it's good you know it goes like recalculating okay like the root the roots chain like down on how you do that because i think people will be like okay great i'd love to be able to do that but i don't know how to do it yeah we'll talk about that sometime but i'll say this one thing we have to be it actually requires a kind of discipline it requires a kind of discipline to say enough to your own imagination yeah to say i'm not gonna let you run rampant right now and go down this this path imagining what this could be and how amazing this person is and you know how great we'd be together and And I'm not going to let you go down that path because that path doesn't exist. So I'm actually going to have a level of discipline about my own imagination.

To me, that's what the recalculating is. It's a commitment to what is real. And if something just became not real, then you recalculate towards something that is real or has the potential to be real. I am sure that this episode for many of you will have brought up a lot of questions, maybe a lot of emotions. I think there's been a lot of sort of hard truth in this episode. So that may leave you wondering practically what to do about a situation,

or it might leave you feeling like you need someone to talk to about a situation because you now feel like you're on the verge of a kind of heartbreaker having to move on from something. I want to encourage you to go and try out Matthew AI as a coach, whether it's to give you practical advice about what to say or do, or to ask about a situation and what it could mean, or whether it's for emotional support on something that this episode has brought up for you. Like I said, Matthew AI right now is part of our Black Friday offer. You can go and try it for free at askmh.com, A-S-K-M-H dot com. And you can even go one step further than that once you're there and buy unlimited access to Matthew AI for the

entire month for half price right now, which makes it $19. And you can use it as much as you want. Someone recently had a six hour conversation with Matthew AI on a call, literally called Matthew AI and had a six hour conversation. And the more you talk to it, the more nuanced the answers get because it takes account of your specific situation. So check it out, askmh.com, take advantage of the Black Friday offer. And thank you as always for being here. Bye.