Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 279: Do THIS If You Want To Reach Your Relationship Goals In 2025
Episode Date: January 15, 2025In this episode, Matthew and Audrey explore the problem of waiting to find love until the "perfect time", and how this thinking can hold us back from living fully and achieving our goals. Whether you'...re contemplating a life-changing decision, trying to date amidst personal challenges, or simply struggling to move forward, this episode will give you the tools and mindset shifts to take action today. Topics Covered: The pressure of starting fresh in January and why it can be counterproductive. The challenge of single motherhood and facing fears about dating with children. The concept of "Nel Mezzo" (in the middle): Living life amidst its chaos. Common mental traps: Waiting for the ideal time, trying to avoid pain, and over-planning. The role of self-compassion when dealing with setbacks or unproductive days. Redefining the idea of a “new chapter” and leaning into life’s ongoing conversations. Practical steps to challenge limiting beliefs about what’s possible in life and relationships. ►► Join The "Matthew Hussey Weekend Retreat" In Miami, October 18-19. Grab Your Early Bird Ticket Before Prices Go Up! → https://matthewhussey.com/weekend-retreat-25-eb/ ►►Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com ►► Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com
Transcript
Discussion (0)
What's up guys welcome to another episode of Love Life. A little bit of housekeeping
before we start. We have had so many questions about our new event taking place in October,
the two-day weekend live retreat. You can find out all of the information you need to
at MHAweekendretreat.com. So get your ticket right now because this is the cheapest they will be
for the entire year. Grab them for you, grab them for a friend, grab them for a family member and
all come together to be with us in Miami this October for the live weekend retreat. Go to Retreat.com for all of the information and to grab your ticket and enjoy today's
episode of Love Life.
So you wrote a newsletter recently and in January there's a lot of pressure around of starting a new chapter, you know, really getting it right this time, making all of
our dreams come true, you know, breaking all of the kind of patterns and negative habits that govern our lives.
And you talked at length in this newsletter about how that pressure that we put on ourselves to have a new chapter
can actually be counterproductive to the goal itself and can be quite damaging for people. So I just would love for you to talk a little bit
about the newsletter and how you illustrated this point. Yeah, this is so for those of you that
don't know every Friday, I have a newsletter that I send out called The Three Relationships. You can
sign up at thethreerelationships.com and there was a newsletter that I sent out in December
towards the end of December where it was really sparked out
of something that happened when you and I were
in New York together.
And we were doing an event for our Love Life members
called Love Life Live in Williamsburg for about 70 people.
And there was a woman who stood up
and started talking about her appreciation
for the fact that on this podcast
and in my new book that came out last year, Love Life,
I talked about fertility,
I talked about family planning options,
and she was really grateful
that we brought that conversation to the table
in a really vulnerable and honest way
because she said it's actually prompted me to freeze my eggs.
And I'm now going one step further,
I'm gonna become a mother through a sperm donor,
and I'm no longer gonna wait to meet someone.
Which by the way, can I just very quickly pause,
isn't that incredible that we live in a day and age where women feel like that's an option and
they can do that and there is a sort of you know empowerment to that where they're not having to
wait, people aren't having to wait for somebody else to make their dream come true. I think it's amazing. It's incredible and it's an intensely personal decision for everyone.
You know, one of the things I know we've been really careful of in any of these conversations
has been to not ever kind of talk about what's a preferable route or what people should do.
It's never coming from a place of having any agenda about what people should do. It's never coming from a place of
having any agenda about what people should do. It's about helping people
understand that actually they might have more power than they think. They might
have more agency, more options than they realize. And for her, us having those
conversations led her to freeze her eggs and led her to make that very brave decision to say,
you know what, I'm in my 30s, I am dating in a way that is highly anxious,
where I am constantly not being the best version of myself because I have this in the back of my mind.
And I don't want to have this in the back of my mind, I don't want to have this in the back of my mind making
me a worse version of myself. So for her, the personal decision was, I'm going to go
ahead and do this and become a mother. And she was actually quite clear. She was like,
if in the time that I'm going through this process, I met someone amazing and it turned
out, you know, like I'm not closed off to the possibility that I could co-parent with
someone or that I could have someone's baby, but I am moving forward regardless. And in the future,
if someone co-parents with me, great, I'm still going to look for the love of my life,
but in the meantime, this is what I'm doing. Now, her question wasn't around, wasn't that.
Her question was essentially, how can I deal with the fear that by now pursuing this course of action, I am delaying by several years, my ability to date.
That years from now, I will date again, but in the meantime, especially for the first two years, I'm not going to be able to date.
So it had almost been like I'm doing this because I have this sense of fear or anxiety that
if I don't, I'm going to lose control over this big life goal of mine. So that's why I'm doing it.
But now that I'm doing it, I have this new anxiety, which is I now can't date for a long time.
And one of the people in the audience
when this woman was asking this question
was my publisher, Karen Rinaldi,
who we know and love, is a dear friend of ours.
She came out, she lives in Brooklyn
and she came out to see the event.
She's seen me speak many, many times.
But she heard this woman's question and in the car as we were leaving and on our
way to get pizza, which is true several times a day for us in New York, she
called back to that moment with that woman and she said, what was that whole
thing about it being impossible to date for those first
two years?
Like, what was that?
She's like, I had to bite my tongue not to put my hand up and say something because Karen
is a mother herself.
And she said, this idea she has that it's going to be impossible for her to date. And that that's just a given is just an abstraction.
It's a limitation that she's put on herself and idea that she's decided
is true, that it's impossible.
And it, that period of two years that she's saying is going to be the case will never exist.
That was the way she put it. It will never actually exist. It's entirely conceptual.
What do you mean by that? Because I even went to the reason I'm, I know, I obviously, I now know what she meant by that, but even when she said it, I was almost like,
I was quite confused by what she meant.
And I'm sure people who are listening
will feel the same way.
The reason that we feel the same way
is because instinctively,
we can hear some grain of truth
in what this woman is saying, right?
We hear the logic that she's going to be pregnant.
She's going to have a lot on her plate in that time.
When she gives birth,
she's going to have even more on her plate.
I think also the real thing that somebody,
a woman who's pregnant will feel is no one will want me
because I'm pregnant with another person's child,
albeit not an ex, you know, it might be a donor,
but regardless, no man will want me when I'm, you know, it might be a donor, but regardless, no man will want
me when I'm carrying another man's child. Whether or not that's true, that's a very
real thing that people feel.
Absolutely. And by the way, that story can continue into that child's early years. It
can continue into that child's teenage years.
Like that story, when does that story officially end? I guess would be my question.
At what point do you say that story is no longer true? It's hard.
That story tends to just evolve into a new version of the story. No one's gonna want me because I have a teenager
and it's, you know, a teenager from me single parenting
because I decided to become a mother.
Other people, it's like, no one will want me
because I have this teenager from my ex.
And then when that teenager is 22,
she could be saying, no one's gonna want me now
because I'm too old.
So the story will always morph.
There'll always be a story.
I never want to kind of have our own version of gaslighting
where we're telling people that there's no truth to the story.
There is of course a truth to that story.
There will of course be people who meet her during that time and say, not for me.
This is too complicated for me. Or this isn't how I envisioned my life. You know, or some people
for whatever reason just decide, oh I don't like that. You know, there's always going to be those
people. But that will always be true in every chapter. There'll always
be some version of that. Now my point with this and repeating this story was not to say that it
will be easy. It's to say that Karen's argument that this two-year period of it's impossible to date is a kind of abstraction from real life, which
inevitably continues. She will still be a woman who's three months pregnant, who might
be in a coffee shop and have a great conversation with someone. And yes, if they end up going
on a date, she's a woman with a story to tell.
She's a woman with information to give, but it doesn't change the fact that she's still
a woman out there connecting or a person with the desire to connect and someone that someone
else could fall for.
So it led me to this kind of concept that actually I'd come across before in my own
life from a writer and a poet, David White, a famous British poet, Irish poet.
And he had a quote I want to read. He was talking about how difficult it is at times for him to
write and how in the course of a career writing, he had come up with all sorts of rules
about what he needed it to be like for him to write.
The perfect conditions. Yeah, and he'd said, you know, I need two weeks of clear uninterrupted time.
And I need a week before that to work up to that
and get in flow.
And I need a week after that to decompress.
And he said at one point, you know, David,
you've come up with all of these rules
for what you need the conditions to be in order to write.
And there's a quote from him that says,
"'Work is achieved not by creating a hermetic space
sealed off from the world, but nel mezzo,'
which is the Italian phrase for in the middle of everything.
And or in the middle, literally.
And I love that that phrase Nelmetso became
what for anyone who's been to our retreat would know I would call an
emotional button a reminder of something an idea a feeling an emotion. To me, Nelmetso, the Italian phrase for in the middle, became a
way to connect me to the realization that life is always taking place in the middle.
It's never not in the middle. We have this idea that we're going to begin a new chapter and that that chapter, this new chapter is going to be about this.
In her mind, this chapter is going to be about pregnancy and becoming a new mother. for sure that will be the headline. But you know a magazine or a newspaper isn't made up of one
headline. There are many stories happening simultaneously and even if you don't engineer
those stories or create those stories, life will create them for you no matter what. Life will create them for you no matter what. Life will continue with or without your cooperation.
And I had this idea that, you know,
back when I was writing Love Life,
I had this kind of romantic concept of,
now that I'm writing in earnest,
real life, the rest of life,
will just neatly tuck itself away in a cupboard for a year so
that I can write. That's hilarious. When you consider how you actually
wrote the book that's really funny. Because I wrote it in El Mezzo, I wrote it in
the middle. In the middle of a storm. Storm problems, still needing to work out so that I didn't get wildly out of shape,
having a relationship and actually a new relationship at the time when I
was first starting out really you know getting to it. Family obligations, you name
it, travel.
The idea that life was gonna pause for me
and my convenience was nonsense.
And this is true of everything.
I sometimes think when we say life's now gonna be about this,
we're really describing a direction
in which life is going to tilt,
describing a direction in which life is going to tilt, but we're not describing this hermetically sealed package of time that's only going to be about this one thing. And that actually becomes
a really liberating thought. Because what we come to realize is that all these things that I keep putting off, whether
it's in my case writing a book, whether it's beginning a new project, whether it's spending
time with a new friend who's invited you to coffee but you keep putting off, whether it's going out and
trying dating. These things are often things that we delay until a time where
our current responsibilities are done with and magically life opens up for an
entirely new chapter. In reality that new chapter will never quite
begin in the way that we originally conceived. There is in a sense no kind of set of chapters
where one concludes and another one begins. There's just, as David White would put it, the conversational nature of life.
That we are in constant conversation with life. And it is an ongoing conversation.
So I love this. But I do have a question for you, because I think it's all very, very true.
But obviously, ultimately, when it comes to the woman who raised her hand and asked a question about starting
a family on her own and dating and all of that stuff,
what she's trying to do, I think, in that situation
by saying it's gonna be hard for the next two years
because of this, that, and the other.
She's trying to preempt pain before it comes,
and she's almost trying to do that as a bid for control.
Instead of, I'm gonna go out there, live my life,
and then I'm gonna get rejected, it's not gonna work,
I'm gonna feel disappointed.
She's protecting herself by preempting future pain.
Now you can argue that that keeps you
from even participating in life in the way that you should,
which is exactly the point that you are making.
But it's also true that we, as individuals, as humans,
we always try and control the outcome of things
because we really
worry about feeling like pain is coming for us and it's going to blind sight us on some
idle Wednesday. And I'm just curious how you, well, what you think about that tension, I
guess, between this idea of like, let's ultimately be present with our situation today.
Let's make the best and the most of every single minute
of every single day as it comes to us
without any preconceived idea of how something's going
to turn out.
And also, let's try and kind of future plan
and future-proof pain so that when it does happen
or if it does happen I'm not completely
knocked sideways. Like how do you kind of handle the relationship between those two
tensions that exist in both of us?
Well I think there's self-compassion is an important answer to that because being realistic realistic about the amount of time or energy we might have to offer to something is a way
of being compassionate to ourselves. If I say, this is such an intense week, there's
so much going on, I am back home with family in England. You and I are trying to manage family obligations.
We're trying to fit a lot in.
If I don't get to the gym today,
accepting that it was actually harder
to get to the gym today than it is
when we're in our perfect rhythm in Los Angeles
and life is all, you know, extremely planned and structured
and we have a lot more control. If I accept that it's harder this week, that becomes a
route to self-compassion. It becomes a route that is if I tell myself in advance it's impossible
for me to go to the gym this week because I have so much on and family obligations and
I rule out any possibility of working out, then I've also gone too far in the other direction because who's to say
that one morning I don't wake up early and feel like you know what actually I
have a couple of hours that I didn't think I'd have. Maybe I will go to the
gym this morning, maybe I'll go for a walk, maybe I don't have time to do an intense workout but doing a walk is okay. I make
space for all of the degrees of you know in-betweens that can happen right
because life isn't I worked out or I didn't. Life can be did I get outside the
house? You know I might get in 5,000 steps today
and that's certainly better than doing nothing.
It, the same happens in dating, right?
If you, you know, in that conversation I had
with Esther Perel towards the end of last year,
the way she described dating, for her at least,
if she, you know, if she saw herself single again,
she's happily married, but if she was single again,
she said, I would, she described a world
where she would just be very open to possibility,
where she would like to meet someone,
and that she would kind of in the course of living her life
be very open to where conversations with people might lead.
Because this idea of this on and off switch of dating,
like the on switches, I'm on the apps all the time and I'm constantly out there dating and I'm
aggressively pursuing finding a partner and the off switch of I'm just not dating,
is even that is an abstraction because the reality is you could be at an event this evening and meet someone that you get along really well with.
And her argument would be, yeah, but if they like me,
it's so complicated because they've met me
in a time of my life where all of this is going on.
And well, how many relationships begin
in complicated stages of life?
You know, it's so true.
I think as well for people, I think people feel, and I'm really curious to know
what you think about this actually, because I'm only like asking these questions because I want
to make this argument bulletproof for people. I want people to get away from this episode and be
like, this is actually something that I know I can take in my life. And if when those questions come
into my mind, I have an answer for them for myself in order to keep driving forwards.
You know, whether it's somebody who is going, I'm having a family on my own and I know I'm,
you know, my intuition and everything I know about the world tells me that, like you say,
that's going to be harder. There's going to be people for whom that's not going to be for them,
et cetera, et cetera.
Um, whether it's that or somebody who feels like they're on dating apps, they,
you know, keep talking to people for a couple of days and then getting ghosted
or every date they go on, they either end up not feeling any chemistry with, or
that person ends up hurting
them two months down the line because they don't want commitment or whatever it is. If
that has been your experience for long enough, it is the natural instinct to almost believe
that that is the world. Our views of the world ultimately is just a sum of our experiences in our lives and
what we have worked out is and isn't true and is and isn't in general. And so I suppose
you know when I hear what that woman was saying about having a baby and stuff, I heard a very
real fear around it's hard enough already that I'm having to do this.
And now in a way, even though this is my big goal
and my dream, and so I've made that decision
as to that being the most important thing,
I'm also afraid that I'm making it even harder
than it already is.
And I suppose- That's true, by the way. already is. And I suppose...
That's true. By the way, she is.
Yes. And so...
But for good reason.
So how do you what's the kind of because I for me, I believe that I overcome personally most negative thoughts and beliefs about myself in the
world through adjusting my lens.
And I think our ability to adjust our lens and almost live in a kind of, it's not about
delusion, right?
It's about like going, if I'm looking for the best in life, then the best will come
to me.
If I'm looking for the worst, I'm going to notice all the bad things.
And there's always going to be bad things to notice, by the way, if you decide to switch
your lens to the worst,
the world is a painful, horrible, unfair place
full of horrible people and life can suck.
So that also exists concurrently with all of the good stuff
that happens, right?
But so I suppose for somebody who is in that situation,
who's listening, who is either starting a
family or thinking about starting a family on their own, or maybe a less niche situation
is just going, I want a fresh start, I want to get back out there and date, but ultimately
I feel like I have a belief that it's not going to work out because it never does for
me and never has for me.
And this idea of a new chapter feels like this kind of empowering way of going like,
screw the past, I'm going into the future and everything's going to be different. Obviously,
you know, then when it's not, we get so disappointed and we feel like let down by ourselves about
this idea of a new chapter. but how do you combat those thoughts?
And how do you live in the middle when you don't actually have a belief that things are going to
work out for you? Firstly, the idea of the new chapter, which is really appealing by the way,
and I've done it plenty of times. I'm pretty sure I've probably even used it when talking about programs that I'm releasing
or things that, you know, events that we're doing.
I'm sure Begin A New Chapter is the kind of language I've used in the past.
But I actually think in many cases the idea of a new chapter, and I still look, let me
separate two things.
It can be useful from a motivational standpoint
to lean into the idea of a new chapter.
So it's not like I have some allergic reaction
to that language in general.
I'm sure I'll use that language again.
But if I'm really splitting hairs,
the idea of the new chapter itself can be one of the things that demoralizes
us because we feel like in beginning a new chapter, now things are going to be different.
But of course we bring the past with us into the new situation because we bring ourselves
into the new situation because we bring ourselves into the new situation.
So you-
That's so true.
You're bringing your old wiring and your challenges
and you're even bringing your life.
Cause no matter how much you decide on a piece of paper
in your journal to draw a physical line
under everything in the past,
you still are gonna get a bill on Thursday
for money you spent a month ago.
You don't get, you can't just draw a line and go,
that's it, the past is in the past.
Well, there are people who beg to differ
because there are certain things we still have to deal with.
There are certain, if your cupboards are full of junk
and you say, I'm leaving the past behind,
well, those drawers and cupboards
aren't gonna clear out themselves.
You're still gonna have to open them up
and deal with the past to actually change things.
So there is this reset button
that we all want to hit on January 1st is kind of a farce to begin with.
And this is why I like that idea of the conversational nature of life that David
White uses. This is why I like that idea of Nel Mezzo, of we begin in the middle,
of Nel Mezzo, we begin in the middle. Because I think it actually offers
something much more hopeful.
Rather than a kind of false promise of a fresh start,
it offers us the ability to truly engage with life,
to be active and involved in sculpting and shaping a different experience today than
maybe the ones we've had in the future. And yes, we have been through things, many of us,
over and over and over again that have helped to create a belief about what is or isn't possible.
create a belief about what is or isn't possible. And if we've dated and kept getting the same results in dating and we've kept being treated the same way
then it's natural, it's normal that we now have this idea that this is what
life is like, this is what the world is like. But there is something to me that's very exciting about life, which is that we are always in a sense
with everything we do and all of the ways that we shift or change or learn, try new approaches,
develop a different kind of energy in us, have more of an acceptance of ourselves.
We're always kind of expanding that frontier, like the edge of our being, the edge of who we are as a person.
And that's always unknown territory really you know you you don't
we all think we know it all in a sense because of the experiences we've had but
the experiences we've had are a direct result of who we've been until now. And who we've been until now is by definition extraordinarily limited.
Because you have not been all of the ways that you could be.
Expand on that. Give me practical examples of what you mean.
I think it's easier if you think of someone else in your life. Okay. Think of your brother,
your sister, your mother, your best friend. It's easy to see how, how narrow the range of who they've been actually is. You know
what I mean? They may have shifted and they may have changed, but, but they've always
been the same person. They kind of, in some way they've always kind of been the same person. Yeah. It's still a limited range. And you know,
you might know someone who's been incredibly sarcastic all their life, and then they get a
little less sarcastic, but they're still very sarcastic. But they get a little less sarcastic.
And for them, they're like, I'm a much more open and friendly and vulnerable person today
than I used to be.
But there's still nowhere near the most vulnerable and open person that you know, not even close,
not even on the same planet.
So this idea that like, we've been everything, we've tried everything, there's nowhere to go from here,
is always a failure of perspective from being in the driver's seat of our own mind.
And so there's that frontier of what we can be and what possibilities we're able to grasp and see
able to grasp and see from that frontier are always changing or at least have the potential to change. So this may all sound very kind of abstract or grandiose but it's actually very,
very practical because instead of telling us, I think actually what's more abstract in many ways is this idea of beginning a new chapter.
Like I'm now as of tomorrow stepping into being a new person with a different life and brand new opportunities. find ourselves frustrated at how much our old way of being, our old wiring and our old life
reasserts itself in that new chapter. But if instead we realize that this is always
a kind of venturing into new territory that we fight for, that we're constantly discovering.
And from that place, you can't see
from where you're standing now,
what you'll be able to see,
a couple of steps forward from now.
It's almost like we should accept the fact
that we can't see more than we can see right now.
We should accept the fact that the old beliefs are there
and that they are speaking very, very loudly
because they're speaking of only what they know.
So they keep saying the same thing.
And instead of going, that's my belief,
it almost is powerful to see that belief,
to step outside of it and see that belief for what it is. It is a very limited
being that is doing, it's speaking all the words it knows, it's speaking all of the language it has
and it can't do more than that. So you can't expect that belief to say more than that. It is doing everything it can, but that belief isn't you.
And it's certainly not your future.
It is just the being that was created from that past.
That's so powerful.
And I think I think useful from a kind of like,
you know, there's a kind of like,
you know, there's a lot of people out there talking about meditation and presence and consciousness
and all of this stuff, but the most,
the easiest way to boil it down, right,
is you are not your thoughts
and you are not your feelings,
you are not your past, you are not your future,
you are this other thing that basically isn't actually
attached to any of those emotions. And so I find it very useful to even just create
that space because consciousness is the space between you and your thoughts and creating
that space between the beliefs and the thoughts and the reoccurring patterns we may have about ourselves,
the future, dating, how it's gonna go,
how it's never gone well before,
our fears around not finding someone, all of those things,
separating that from us and realizing that we actually
have the impetus to completely change that narrative
because the more we embody and kind of,
the more, not embody, the more we
enmesh ourselves with those thoughts,
the more those thoughts become our reality
because how can they not?
Yeah, and I think it allows you the space
to look at those beliefs in some cases, or maybe in all cases,
not with hatred or not with frustration,
but instead just to see them
as the very limited things that they are,
the very limited perspectives they are.
It might even allow you to kind of cherish them
with a kind of affection.
That you're being all you can be.
This belief, if it were a being, is being all it can be.
It can't be more than that.
Yeah.
Because once you become more than that,
once you get a new vantage point,
that belief will cease to exist.
It will morph into something else.
Asking that belief, you know,
what would it be like to have more than this?
What would it be like if you could trust people?
What would it be like if you could have a healthy relationship?
It would be like asking, I don't know, the people that started on the East Coast of America
at a time when people from foreign land, from Europe had never ventured West.
It would be like asking them, what's California like?
What's the West Coast of America like?
And what's what's the West Coast of America going to be like in 100 years, actually?
Well, that too. Yeah, that too.
That these things.
We are we are always
standing with looking out onto an extremely limited perspective of what is possible and where we could go and what we could be and what we could have. And that's a very, that's just, that itself is a life-changing idea.
Because we stop taking our existing beliefs so seriously.
We see them for what they are.
They're a perspective into the past.
But they are not, they are not an indication of what we will be able to expect or achieve or experience at the frontier of where we're going next.
So our job is not to know all of that.
Our job is just to go there next.
And telling ourselves, you know, that all of that progress will start in two years,
instead of just being active and involved now, I think is often a mistake. Telling ourselves
there's no point doing something because I can't do all of it is another trap. Or if I can't do it
perfectly, or if I can't do it exactly the way that I want to do it, if I don't have exactly the right amount of space and time and energy and, you know, life
to be able to do that, that's a trap.
It's just another way to say I'm waiting for a new chapter to begin, but that chapter
can't begin yet.
And it's a way of ignoring the truth,
which is that so many of these different chapters
of our life are actually overlaid on top of each other,
simultaneously.
So my invitation to people out there right now
is that instead of waiting for the perfect time
for a new chapter to begin,
or in fact, instead of trying to begin
that new chapter perfectly, which is what a lot of people are doing in January, you
just become, everyone out there becomes an active and engaged participant in their own
life. And that of course, for those of you by the way that are coming to join us in October, which we just released the announcement
that we have a brand new,
really exciting event happening in October,
the retreat, but the two day version,
not the six day version.
It's never been done before.
It's not been done, not by us.
The invitation to join us there
is an invitation into a much more real version of self growth.
That can be unlike anything you've done before because it recognizes that when you come to that retreat, you're starting in the middle.
It doesn't matter. Look, it's January. There are going to be a bunch of people who are like,
I'm going to have boundaries this year. You know, my mother or my father or this person in my life
who's really demanding, they always take advantage of my good nature and my people pleasing and my
desire to say yes
and I say yes too much and then I get overwhelmed and burnt out and enough is
enough I'm gonna start sticking up for myself and advocating for my needs and
I'm gonna say no. Well great but then you do that. Someone says I need you to come
and do this today and you say, I have things going on today.
But then you spend the next 24 hours feeling guilty
and questioning yourself and not trusting that decision
to say no and feeling like you're a bad son or daughter
or sister or brother and feeling like you've let someone down and that makes you feel horrible.
And now you start worrying that that person's going to love you less.
And through all of this fear and anxiety and guilt, it all feels so bad
that you eventually call that person and you say, what is it you needed again?
Because there's all this old wiring there.
The reason that we're saying yes is based on patterns.
And those patterns are, those are the old life.
That's what's reasserting itself.
Unless we work on these deeper things, which is messy and kind of chaotic,
it won't simply change.
And that's kind of all interlinked
with what we're talking about today,
because it's all part of what is the very messy process
of trying to get better,
trying to have better relationships,
trying to have a better life,
trying to have a better relationship with ourselves.
You know, those three relationships, we always talk about the relationship with life, trying to have a better relationship with ourselves. You know, those three relationships
we always talk about, the relationship with life, people and ourselves. It's a messy process to get
better at those things and it begins in the middle. And by the way, for those of you that haven't
signed up, this is the first month that we have announced the brand new live
retreat and you can get tickets at MHWeekendRetreat.com. And if you are a
man listening you can come too. Yeah men, women, non-binary, it doesn't matter we're
just everyone please come and join us. It doesn't matter your sexual
orientation this is not designed for one type of person. This is designed for people.
So if you're a person listening to this, it's going to be really,
really special at this event.
And I've, you know, for a long time, it has bothered me that the best thing that
we do is only available to the smallest number of people who can A, take an entire week off
work and B, afford to come to a six-day $4,000 retreat, which is what our retreat was up
until last year.
And it's now highly inclusive.
It's now something that's really affordable for people, for so many more people than it
ever used to be. This is the time to come and do this.
And we're gonna be doing the deepest work together
to overcome these patterns.
And this podcast is butter taste of the kind of thing
that we're gonna be doing there.
So if you're enjoying this kind of content,
and if you feel like, oh, I'm actually,
this feels like a huge pressure valve for me, and I feel like I'm growing, and I feel like I'm in, I'm actually, this feels like a huge pressure valve for me.
And I feel like I'm growing and I feel like I'm learning and I feel like this is
resonating with me on a level that a lot of other things aren't, then come and join us there because that's going to be a really special experience of it.
And it's going to be highly immersive.
Uh, M H weekend, retreat.com is the link for that.
Well, I think we'll leave it there.
Yeah, thank you so much. Such an amazing and helpful concept. I hope everybody
sitting at home listening or watching enjoyed it. I definitely did. Yeah, I hope
so. Leave us a comment if you're watching this on YouTube. If you're
listening to the podcast, send us a message podcast at matthewhussy.com
and we will see you in the next episode of Love Live. you