Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 284: How to Handle Heartbreak on Valentine’s Day

Episode Date: February 20, 2025

Heartbreak is never easy—especially around Valentine’s Day. In this episode, Matthew dives deep into the struggles of heartbreak, the emotional pain of moving on, and how to navigate feelings of loss, regret, and loneliness. And if you're struggling with heartbreak, don’t miss our free live event on February 25th, where he’ll guide you through the process of healing and moving forward. Sign up at LoveLifeTraining.com. Main Topics Covered: Why Valentine’s Day can be a painful reminder of heartbreak The different types of heartbreak: fresh, chronic, and long-term loneliness The power of self-compassion and reconnecting with yourself Why no contact feels so hard—and how to stay strong The danger of dating as a distraction from heartbreak How to stop obsessing over your ex and wishing things had ended differently Dealing with regret and the fear that you lost “the one” How to recognize and avoid emotionally avoidant partners The key to moving forward and finding love again  

Hey everyone, welcome to the Love Life podcast. Something cool today, I basically did a live across my social media platforms just in the last couple of days and so many people saw it and said, please record this, please put it back somewhere because I need to listen to this 10 times, 20 times and I need to send it to my friends and family too. So if you were there and you really wanted to be able to listen to this again, this is for you. If you weren't there and you're in heartbreak right now, there is some really good content in here

that I know can help you. The other thing that is gonna help you even more is an event I am doing on February the 25th all about heartbreak. It's a masterclass that's going to last about one hour so carve out time in your diary. It's free. I'm going to be live across the whole world to people in many many many different countries all of which are looking for a way to feel better in their heartbreak and in this masterclass which is called how to heal from heartbreak I'm gonna give you my best advice on how to move through the pain, how to get closure, how to deal with the no-contact period, how to deal with the worst possible emotions you

feel during that time, how to deal with the regret of wishing you'd done something differently. We're gonna talk about all of it so be there on February the 25th by going to lovelifetraining.com. You can sign up for free. It will take 10 seconds. This is only happening once. It's happening live. Please don't miss it. February the 25th, lovelifetraining.com to sign up for my masterclass, How to Heal from Heartbreak. I will see you there and enjoy this episode. Hi everybody, welcome to this live that we're doing on this lovely Friday, wherever you are welcome. Leave me a comment once you're here so that I know that you can see me and hear me. And I'm really excited to spend some time with you today.

I'm spending time today talking about something that is very close to my heart, which is the theme of heartbreak. And I want to make this an opportunity for you to comment and talk about what you're going through right now, because I know that many of you are currently going through heartbreak. I think there are even statistics around Valentine's Day being one of the peak moments of the year for breakups and for people to decide they no longer want to be in a relationship. So some of you may be experiencing the timing of this being very apt for your life. Welcome to Instagram as well, who have just joined. We're gonna go live today on Instagram,

Facebook, TikTok and YouTube. But Valentine's Day is typically a time, this week is a time when a lot of breakups happen. And even if we're not going through a breakup that's fresh this week, for many people, this will be a time that calls to their mind a breakup. It exacerbates a heartbreak that you feel already, because you're seeing Valentine's posts everywhere.

I mean, even, my God, the newsletters that I'm getting today from companies that really have nothing to do with love whatsoever but are still talking about products that somehow relate to Valentine's Day, I don't know how, but it's bombarding us from every direction. And for those of you who are experiencing a heartbreak today or this week, this will be very raw for you. For those of you for whom Valentine's Day reminds you that you, you know, have lost someone recently, then this will be a hard time for you. And if you're someone who is single and has been single for some time and deeply, deeply wants to find love,

Valentine's Day is a stark reminder of the heartbreak that we feel in not having found love yet. So there are different kinds of heartbreak, aren't there? There's acute heartbreak from having been freshly broken up with or having to break up with someone who we know wasn't right for us, but we still love. There's chronic heartbreak that comes from either not being able to get over someone from the past or perhaps never having found someone in the first place

and getting to an age in our lives where we really thought that or hoped that we would have found love by now and we still haven't. And so we're chronically heartbroken. We live with this sense of heartbreak that our life has not panned out in this area the way that we had hoped. I wanna talk about these various forms of heartbreak today.

And if you want to continue the session that I'm doing today with me on Tuesday of next, well, no, on the 25th of February, I should say, it's going to be on a Tuesday. I'm going to be doing a live session with all of you to work through heartbreak and to help and to give you the best of what I know. We're going to start that today. If you want to continue with me, comment the word HEAL if you are on Instagram or Facebook and I'll send you a link so that you can join that.

It's completely free. And if you're on YouTube or TikTok, you can go to lovelifetraining.com, which is that link right there and sign up. All right. Well I'd love to hear from some of you on this subject. While I'm waiting for comments and actually one of my team is going to be pulling some questions for me here. If the team can pull any questions that they think would be wonderful for me to answer. That would be great. But I wanna start by saying the obvious, but I think the thing worth mentioning,

which is that in times of heartbreak, there are plenty of well-meaning people who give us lots and lots of advice and tell us the best ways to cope, tell us the best ways to cope, tell us the best ways to move on, tell us the best ways to not think about it or to reframe it into something positive. And a lot of the well-meaning advice we get

when we're heartbroken can really fall on deaf ears because we are in a very specific place and it's so visceral. I can remember a heartbreak in my life, just driving to the gym. It was all I could do to try to just get myself somewhere where I might do something useful. And I was driving to the gym and I remember driving along a road near my house

and crying in the car, just on my own, just crying driving to the gym. And I remember getting there and there was someone who was my trainer at the time and the first thing I did I remember this so vividly the first thing we did was jump on a rowing machine for five minutes and I couldn't say a word the whole time and he knew something was deeply, deeply wrong. And I just was rowing and like a zombie, unable to speak. And then I tried to gather myself five minutes later and he looked at me and he almost didn't even ask what was wrong because he knew something was really wrong. And he could tell he didn't really know what to say.

He just was saying, I'm sorry. And I found myself start to well up in the gym as I was trying to lift a weight. And I said to him, I'm sorry, I have to go. I can't be here. I have to go. I can't be here. And I couldn't even bring myself to do this thing that, you know, in theory,

you know, what do people say? Go do the things that are good for you. Go do the things that will make you feel good. Go work out. Go, you know, hang out with friends. But we've most of us all have had that that moment where we are simultaneously a zombie in the world who it feels kind of deadened and numb to life, numb to the outside world, but internally we're anything but numb. Internally we are breaking. It feels as though we are breaking to pieces and we have no idea how to handle the amount of pain that we're in. That's, you know, what genuine heartbreak feels like. And one of the things that was a fascinating experience for me,

and you tell me in the comments if you've experienced something like this, one of the fascinating things to me was that being in that feeling, firstly I didn't do what I had done in the past in breakups. In the past in breakups I had tried to just distract myself, I tried to go meet other people, go on dates, hook up, do something that would just take... I was running from that pain and doing anything I could to numb myself from it or to it. And this time I didn't do that. It was, I don't know if you've ever experienced this before, but I felt so ill with the heartbreak that the idea of even being with another person made me feel

ill. Have you had that? Where it's like you're too heartbroken to even rebound. You feel so sick with it that you can't even imagine the idea of being with another person. And it was through this almost complete incapacitation, it was through this complete devastation, through this complete inability to do anything but be in that pain, that I started to be with myself in a different way. I actually, you know, I have spent a lot of my life and I've worked on this. One of the reasons I talk so much in my work about core confidence, the relationship we build with ourselves is because I have had in my work about core confidence, the relationship we build with ourselves, is because I have had in my life, many struggles with the relationship with

myself. For some people, I know there are those people in the world that seem to just naturally have a wonderful relationship with themselves. I wasn't one of them. And it took me a long time to figure out what it meant to be kinder to myself. It's taken me a long time to get to a point of realizing what it meant to be compassionate to myself, to have a good relationship with myself. And there was this interesting thing that happened to me during the worst heartbreak of my life, which was that I was so battered and so sad, so deeply sad, so inconsolable that I actually began to feel a sympathy for myself. It was a sympathy that I don't think I had allowed myself at other times in my life. You know, usually in my life when something bad happened, usually when I failed at something,

normally when I got hurt, I would go to a place of self blame. I would go to a place of self loathing, but I was in such a terrible place and I felt so wounded that maybe for one of the first times in my life, I actually felt genuine sympathy for myself. Does anyone relate to that in the comments right now? I'm just curious. Sylvia, it sounds like maybe you relate. Does anyone else relate to that feeling of feeling so bad that finally you're actually able to access a kind of sympathy for yourself? Christina on TikTok, Punisher on TikTok.

You can relate. Punisher sounds like a name where you'd be hard on yourself. Dede, Be Kind Be True. Yes. Stephazoid. Yes. On Instagram. Emma. Caroline on Facebook. So there was something special that happened when I began to, I actually was able to access that sympathy for myself. Something really special happened. I started to get closer to myself in a way that I hadn't before. I certainly got closer to myself than I was in the relationship.

Because when I was in the relationship, I absolutely was not close to myself. When I was in the relationship, in a way, I couldn't have been farther from myself. I spent my whole time making someone else happy. I spent my whole time worrying about whether I was enough or whether I was doing enough or whether I was being impressive enough. It was all about, you know, essentially it was a way of me telling myself constantly, I, you know, you better

show you're good enough. You better show you're enough here. You better not fail. You better not mess this up. And Claire, you said the right phrase there. I see you Claire on YouTube. You abandoned yourself. And that's exactly what I did. I abandoned myself. So I couldn't have been less close to myself.

Me, the me that needed me to show up, the me that needed love and compassion, that me was somewhere in the background. It's almost like, has anyone seen the film Get Out? There's a moment in that film where the protagonist is, he goes, I forget what they call it, but it's like he's in this sunken place, deep, deep, deep, inside his own mind, looking up at

his eyes, looking out. And I felt like I was in that sunken place. I was somewhere so small, so reduced, looking up at the me that was trying to impress and trying to be enough, uh, and trying to somehow, you know, fit in or, or, or not lose someone. And it, when I went through the breakup and when I, when I had my heart broken, I suddenly felt like this return to that version of me, this return to that part of me that actually really needed me to show up. And I was finally able to stop trying to impress somebody else and instead feel sympathy for myself. And that, that allowed me to get closer to myself. And so I want to offer this before I go into answering a few questions here. I want to say that if you are in the depths of

heartbreak right now, one of the great healing forces is when we are able to get closer to ourselves through that pain. And heartbreak offers this very unique and special opportunity to get closer to ourselves than maybe we've ever been. And that is something that it can be one of the great treasures that we discover in our heartbreak. It certainly was for me. I would drive and listen to certain songs. I still remember certain songs that I listened to. I still remember the words of those songs. I would clutch on to objects, things that made me feel love towards myself, things that reminded me to keep going, despite the fact that I didn't know how to keep going

or how, when, and if it was ever gonna get better. And I'm still, I almost, I say this with caution, because I wouldn't wish heartbreak on myself or anyone else, but there's almost something I miss about that time and that feeling. There's something special about that moment of loving yourself in that way, of showing up for yourself in that way and getting close to yourself in that way. So let's, I want to hear from the heartbroken among you and talk with you. I want to also remind you that this session is really a preliminary conversation that I get to have with you before a much more robust session on heartbreak

that I'm going to be doing for everyone live on February the 25th. So if you haven't yet signed up for that, it's free. It'll take 10 seconds and you can comment. If you're on Instagram or Facebook, just comment the word heel. H E A L heel. And if you're not on Instagram or Facebook, if you happen to be watching this on TikTok or YouTube, that won't work, but this will.

You can open up a new browser and go to lovelifetraining.com and sign up for free there. Very good. All right, well, let's look at some of the questions that have come in here. And happy Valentine's Day to all of you on this Friday. I joked in a newsletter that I wrote to my mailing list this morning that I started the email with, happy Valentine's Day, yada, yada. Who really cares? Let's get on with the email. And I feel a bit like that, if I'm honest about Valentine's Day. I'm married now and, you know, in theory, Valentine's Day, you know, would be something that we would be celebrating, but me and my wife Audrey don't really care. We care about birthdays and Christmas and you know,

but when it comes to Valentine's Day, really neither of us care at all. So I say Valentine's Day just to give you some love, but not because I really care about Valentine's Day just to give you some love, but not because I really care about Valentine's Day. Okay, let's see. Leah says on Instagram, "'It's so hard to open myself up again to new love after dating someone horribly avoidant. Any guidance there?'

So dating someone avoidant is, it's like, it could be like touching a hot stove because the burning came from someone who, every time you tried to get close or, you know, build the kind of intimacy that you need, you felt rejected by this person, you felt that this person didn't need you in the way that you needed them or needed to, you know, needed to separate in ways that were

painful to you. And it's likely a relationship that made you feel very not just not needed, not just not close to someone, but also made you feel bad for the way that you are. It invalidated the way that you are and made you feel like the strange one, made you feel like the weird one for being how you are. You know, my wife Audrey, I'm sure she won't mind me saying this,

but she's, you know, she said about our relationship that in the past, you know, she had been told that she was too sensitive and that she never felt that in our relationship. You know, she didn't, when we got together, she felt like a sense of home, like, oh, I could be who I actually am in this relationship. I can be someone who wants closeness. I can be someone who is sensitive and emotional. Um, it felt right to her. And so,

but it's easy when we've touched the hot stove enough of people who have invalidated us and made us feel like we're strange for being the way that we are. It's easy to feel like now dating itself is the hot stove. Relationships themselves are the hot stove. What we have to remind ourselves is the hot stove is the kinds of people that aren't right for us. Not love in general, not people in general. So what we need to get better at is sensing the heat on that stove when we notice it, when someone does invalidate us early in dating, or when we do express our needs more openly and honestly than perhaps we have done in the past, and someone isn't,

doesn't respond in the right way, or someone shows us that they can't provide what we need, or that they don't truly don't understand what we need, we sense the heat, and we say, oh, okay, this is, this is the hot stove again. You know, this isn't for me. Or I'm going to have a conversation to see if I can bring the temperature down and see if this could be for me. But what I'm not going to do is ignore the hot stove in the future. It's not dating and love that has been a problem for you. It's giving too much time and energy for too long to people who have hurt you or invalidated you or not been able to provide what you need. Remember you now have the resources and the tools

to be able to say no to the wrong thing and say yes to the right thing. Um, let's see. I want to find some heartbreak questions here. Angelique, okay, great. Um, P.S. Angelique, uh, says, talk about how hard no contact is, especially when it seems so easy for the other person. Well, this is a key thing that we do in a heartbreak, is we try to imagine what the other person might be feeling.

And we hope, some part of us hopes that they are hurting as much as we are, that they are finding it as hard as we are. We hope that they're going to realise what a mistake they are making and that they're going to come running back. I think many of us have had that situation where we, you know, our friends in an effort to be kind to us, to support us, to rally around us, told us that, you know, they'll be back, don't worry about that. Oh, they're gonna realize how stupid they've been and they're gonna be back.

And our ego fed on that, you know, we fed on this idea that yes, they will be back, won't they? They are gonna realize what a huge mistake they've made. Only to find that they never will be back won't they? They are going to realize what a huge mistake they've made only to find that they never did come back. Has anyone had that experience? You were you're waiting and waiting, your ego was waiting and surviving on this idea that this person would come back to you and that their you, the karma would come around and they just never did. Well, certainly they never did in the way that you had hoped.

Who here has had that experience, which is a particular kind of ego death when that happens. Nick, I see you on Instagram, you've been through that. Angie Cruz on TikTok, you can relate to that. So, Sush relate to that. So Sushri, yeah. And really the kind of the hope that

during the no contact period, someone is gonna come back and text you is not just a hope from our heart that really wants this to happen again. It's also a hope from our ego that wants to, you know, feel like it can survive this. Because the way that ego survives is by someone coming back and telling you they've made an awful mistake and begging for forgiveness. That's the way our ego survives. The way our ego survives is that this person didn't, it turns out they weren't rejecting us after all.

They were just, you know, they were just making a silly decision. But I, our ego getting involved in that way, in a sense, that feel, that thing I said at the beginning of this live where I said that during my worst breakup it was a chance to get close to myself. And it was a chance I developed a genuine affection for myself. The ego gets in the way of that, you know, because ego says I want to come out on top instead of I want to support myself. I want to show up for myself. I want to be there for myself.

I want to use this opportunity myself, I want to be there for myself, I want to use this opportunity to get closer to myself. Ego says I want to win. Or I want to have not been rejected. I want to feel enough. So I just say that Angelique, I think that was your name Angelique, because it's, there's a part of you that is secretly probably hoping this person is gonna reach out during the no contact period. And I want you to start to quieten that part of yourself and tell yourself that is ego.

That's, it's not gonna bring me closer to myself or help me become everything I can be to sit here and wait for this person to come back to me. And you frankly don't know what's going on in the other person's mind. You have no idea. You have no idea whether that person is struggling to make themselves happy right now. You don't know if they're missing you. You don't know if they are distracting themselves with work or trying to move on too quickly or anything else. You don't know what's happening with that person. And frankly, you don't know,

it might seem easy for them today. You don't know how hard it's gonna be for them a year from now or five years from now, or 10 years from now, when they realize that they've never really known how to make themselves happy, or that they've been confused for much of their life. I mean, how many people are there in the world that just go through life steamrolling people and breaking their hearts only to find that in middle age, they have a crisis because they can't seem to find what they're looking for and they don't know how to make themselves happy. This is extremely common.

So you are, what you're looking at is a very zoomed in portion of a story that has not actually been fully written yet. How many people leave someone to go and be with someone else only to find that the someone else they left someone for wasn't the right person after all? Or that the problem lied, the challenge lied within them that they don't know how to be happy. So they keep trying to find happiness in changing their partners or making, you know, trying to find little improvements in a partner in different ways that they think is going to make

them happy. People, you don't know the vast complexity of another person's mind. So please, Angelique, don't sit there and assume what is going on with this other person now and don't even assume that what's going on with them now is a reflection of what will be going on for them in the future. You just don't know. The hard part about no contact for you is that you're trying to find solace and you're trying to make yourself feel better emotionally outside of the context in which you have been trying to make yourself feel better emotionally for a long time. In other words, if you were in a relationship for a long time, you found your emotional support

within that relationship. And even if you weren't very successful because that person didn't provide a lot of emotional support or constantly was the source of your anxiety, that was where you attempted to find your emotional support. That was where you attempted to feel better, which is why, you know, in a relationship, what happens if we have someone that makes us feel anxious, we crave their attention, we crave their love, we crave a feeling of safety that they can give us

by finally showing us love or support or telling us how much they care about us or making us feel safe. We don't get it often enough in those kinds of relationships, but it's still where we seek it. And so when you're in that habit of seeking love, seeking safety, seeking support in the relationship and all of a sudden the relationship is no longer there. You're in the no contact period. Initially,

that reflex doesn't know where to go. That muscle memory of anytime I need love or support or anytime I need to feel good enough, anytime I need to feel like I'm gonna survive this life and not gonna die, I've gone to that person. And now that's the very person I'm not supposed to text anymore. I'm not supposed to call anymore. Your mind doesn't know where to go with that. Your nervous system doesn't know where to go with that.

And so there is this kind of existential, uh, breaking apart of the norms going, what do I do? What do I, where do I go? It's like suffocating. I can't get the air that I need. And we don't know how to get it in other ways. Not yet anyway. Um, so it, these are the, these are the struggles and these, by the way, these are the things I'm gonna be talking about in detail on the 25th of February. We're gonna go into this more and really break it down.

I'm gonna give you a roadmap for working on all of this and for working through all of this and even a roadmap for getting closure. I really am excited about this. We've been working so very hard on this over the last couple of weeks, and we're gonna continue to work really hard on it for the next week.

Right now I'm shooting from the hip in a live, but when we're together on the 25th of February, you're gonna be part of something that I've worked many hours on with my wife Audrey, who's sat over there right now, and we work on these things together. We will have worked many, many hours on putting together something that's going to help you. And I'm only doing it once, by the way, I'm going like I've not done anything like this on Heartbreak in years, especially going live to such a big audience. We're going

to be doing it with people all over the world. And you could do it from anywhere. You could do it from work, from could do it from work, from your car, from home, wherever you are. You can sit and watch and listen to this session, but please be there because it is happening this once live and it's happening on the 25th of February. If you are heartbroken, this will be the most important hour you can spend this year. So please don't miss it. If you are on Instagram or Facebook, comment the word HEAL. HEAL. Comment that now. And if you are on YouTube or TikTok, right,

just open a new browser because that won't work. If you're on Instagram or Facebook and you comment the word HEAL right now, you'll get a message from me giving you the details for how to sign up. Take 10 seconds, it's free, anyone can come. But if you're on YouTube or TikTok, that won't work. You have to go to lovelifetraining.com. The link is right up there. If you look, if we could just pop that link on the screen, David, that would be great. lovelifetraining.com. If you just open a browser and type in that link, it'll take you 10 seconds to sign up. I see a bunch of you doing this right now.

Tigerfeet, I see you writing Heel on Instagram. Casey Keeper with Selma. Aisha, this is great. Anna, I'll send you the link. All of you. This is great. Anna, I'll send you the link, all of you. This is great. Okay, I'm really glad that we're having this time together today. Who feels like there was something very serendipitous about you being here during this session right now given how you're feeling? Who here feels that it

was almost too perfect that you're going through what you're going through right now and we're here together on this session Angie Cruz Sarah Rose Amy on YouTube yeah Yeah. Missed mixed. Sending you love. So let's answer another question and then I will, I'll make sure, just make sure please, please please please because I'm going to send you emails about the session on the 25th, but please put it in your diary now so that you don't forget this so that you take the time off. And by the way, my advice to you for that session is really take the time. If you can mark it out now, don't book any meetings, try and

get your house to yourself or a room to yourself, a quiet space to yourself where you can fully engage and participate in that session as opposed to being distracted. Think of how much productivity you lose. If you're trying to be productive, think of how much productivity you lose by being heartbroken, by not feeling better. You know, if you're trying to, if you're like trying to manage other people at the same time, imagine if you could just take an hour for yourself, how much more present you'll be for those people by spending this time on yourself? Because when we're heartbroken, we're not present with our kids or our loved ones, our siblings, our friends, our colleagues. So give yourself an hour of true presence so that you can show up differently in your relationships.

This is the best hour you can give yourself, but only if you're truly present for it so be present for it. Okay let's do one more question. Audrey any questions in particular you like the look of? Let's see or Vanessa do we have one on heartbreak here that we can help with? Let's see Megan says should we date as a distraction from our heartbreak? Huh? You think we've already answered that one? No, maybe. Well, let me answer it quickly, but Megan says, should we date as a

distraction, it will help you get over them. That saying. Um, look, I think that we're more likely is look, no, we shouldn't judge ourselves for the things that we do in the moment to move forward or to try to distract ourselves or even numb ourselves because we're doing that because we're in pain. But there are better ways to get out of pain and there are worse ways to get out of pain. And the problem with dating someone else is it's one of those things that often leaves us with an even bigger hangover afterwards,

especially because when we're in a vulnerable state we're less likely to run into the arms of someone kind and someone who helps us. We're more likely to run into the arms of someone who is unhealthy or someone who treats us in very flippant ways or some people who discard us very easily or just unhealthy dynamics. You know, you can find someone who is kind but you get into a very codependent dynamic because you're not going there just, we say, oh, it's just a bit of fun, but very quickly that fun morphs into a kind of dependence. I'm now looking to this person for my validation. I'm now looking to this person to make me feel better. I might race through the initial stages of dating to get, you know, to get intimacy.

And all of a sudden I find myself in a relationship that isn't right for me or that I don't really want. And I'm breaking someone else's heart by having to leave it or they're breaking mine when when they leave it. It will reliable to make a lot of bad decisions from that place. And it's it does become another emotional distraction because what we're doing is we're asking for comfort and intimacy in the arms of another person, romantically. And we're not learning to find it in other ways. And by learning to find it in other ways,

what we're teaching ourselves is, we're teaching ourselves is it we're really um give we're teaching ourselves how to be strong in the tools that we have and the resources that we have outside of romantic relationships what that does is it gives us the ability to say no next time around the next when you're out there in dating the worst thing you can have is an inability to say no to the wrong people. And we are unable to say no to the wrong people when we get attracted to the wrong things, when we're feeling, when we have a scarcity mindset, when we're worried we won't be okay

on our own, when we're looking for comfort, then we say yes to the wrong things. In order to find the right person, we have to be able to say no to the wrong person. In order to say yes to the right person, we have to be able to say no to the wrong person. But we can only say no to the wrong person if we've developed a kind of muscle and an internal strength that allows us to say no and know that we'll still be okay. That's the kind of strength that you build during a heartbreak. It's the strength that becomes available to you if you don't take the easy path in a heartbreak. So it's, we're in a sense by distracting ourselves we are delaying the building

of a muscle that will actually be extremely necessary if we are delaying the building of a muscle that will actually be extremely necessary if we are to find the right person. Let's see here. We'll do maybe one more question. Last, that last one that I just posted. So this is from Sayusi, Sayzusi on Instagram. How can you back, how can you go back to the person you were before that relationship?

Oh, what a beautiful question. It has been months, but still seems I am in an endless circle wishing it never ended, even though I knew it wasn't right. There's something I think, tell me if you've had an experience like this before, this is a very common experience. You start dating someone and maybe dating that person, that particular person scratches some kind of an itch. Maybe that person is particularly handsome or beautiful and that kind of not only does that trigger attraction it also triggers our own insecurity at not

being attractive enough and when that triggers our insecurity, we want to prove that we can get this person in order to quiet that insecurity. So now we make it our mission to get this person, regardless of how they treat us, we just think I just want to know that I can get a person like this. Sometimes it's because of their status or their popularity that we feel that way. Sometimes it's because we perceive them as particularly successful or magnetic. Sometimes it's just chemistry that makes us ignore all of the bad stuff and keeps us in something for too long. But there's something that kind of had this pull,

that pulled us into the relationship. and what began perhaps as this attraction and this feeling of wanting to prove we could get someone starts to with each day of investment with each way that we show up for the relationship and become more invested in it it starts to turn into a feeling of love. We start to feel like, Oh, I love this person. Of course, when we invest in someone enough, we do love that person in a way we, you know, we are acting as a loving person towards that person. And we do so much for them that we actually start to believe our actions. We start to say, well, I must be in love.

Otherwise, why would I be doing all of this? Why would I be going through all of this? That, you know, this is an amazing thing that I'm trying to hold onto. I love this person. So what started, this is by the way, what happens to a lot of people when they start by just having a bit of fun, but you know, because of some good qualities that person has, and because of some kind of magnetic attraction, what started as a bit of fun turned into a situation where we fully

loved this person and couldn't get them off our mind and they became a bit of an obsession to us. And of course, we all know those stories. We lose ourselves trying to please someone. We forget kind of what's important to us. We lose connection with the people, the places, the things, the activities that are important to us. Everything just becomes about being there for that person and trying to keep the relationship alive.

And as we separate ourselves from all of the things that are important to us, it becomes, it sort of starts to feel existential that we must keep this relationship alive because this relationship is the headline of what we have in our life. The more we disconnect ourselves from all those things that we had and were and loved before the relationship, the more we disconnect ourselves from all those things that we had and were and loved before the relationship,

the more we start to think, this relationship is all I have. And if I don't have this, then what do I have? So when, say, Zuzi, you say, how do I go back to the person that I was before that relationship? I want to remind you of a couple of things. Firstly, that this relationship was a reflection of certain parts of you or certain needs or certain desires certain parts of you or certain needs or certain desires that were there before this person ever arrived on the scene. So if someone particularly attractive comes along and all of a sudden it triggers you because you go, Oh my God, they're amazing. Oh my God, I'm not good enough. Oh my god, can I get them? That speaks to an insecurity that was there prior to this. In a sense, that could have been another attractive person and not the person that you fell for.

So that part of you was... that existed before this person and that part of you still wants to be seen. And that part of you still needs your compassion and that part of you still needs you to show up and show them that they're good enough. In fact, post breakup is a chance to go back to that part of you and say, you know, what happened there? What happened to us? Well, someone came along and they were able to distract us with, you know, how gorgeous they were or how successful they were or how charming they were or how charismatic they were. And they kind of triggered that part of us that didn't feel good enough and didn't feel attractive enough.

And so we just started trying to please that person. But, you know, I'm, I'm that part of you, that part of that part of us that didn't feel good enough, I'm now going to tend to that part of you, that part of us that didn't feel good enough, I'm now going to tend to that part of you now. Instead of looking for another person to make us feel good enough, I'm now finally going to tend to this part of you. I'm going to show up for this part of you. You know, I'm not going to allow that to happen to you again. And the way I'm going to do that is by getting closer to you. So part of going back to the person you were before that relationship is to go back and look at what happened to a part of you that made this relationship a possibility in the first place. It's also part of this is to

this is to go back to what were the things that I was doing prior to that relationship that felt like me? Maybe things I stopped doing, maybe people I stopped being close to. What was going on in my life that I got divorced from in that relationship and how might I get back to that? Or, and this perhaps is even more interesting, perhaps I should, rather than trying to blindly go back to who I was before this relationship, maybe I should think about who I've become in the ways that I am starting to learn about myself after this relationship.

What do there there will be parts of me today that are drawn in new directions and there'll be these little voices in me that have matured and grown and maybe even grown beyond my conscious understanding. I feel you know you maybe you feel pulled in a certain direction. Maybe there's something you feel drawn to do or discover about yourself or maybe even new kinds of friends that you feel drawn to. Different kinds of people in life that you feel drawn to, different kinds of knowledge that you feel drawn to. Listen to those voices because that's,

that goes beyond just getting back to who you were before. It recognizes that you also are in a state of becoming. You're also, there's this new incarnation of yourself that is being born out of this experience that you've had that the wisdom of which supersedes the wisdom that you had before the breakup. You know, this, this is actually a chance to get to know who you are today, not simply to return to a form that you were prior to the relationship. to the relationship. Write me a note real quick if there's something today that's really spoken to you, if there's something that's meant a lot to you, what

what do you feel has been useful to you today in particular? Are you glad you came today? Do you feel like this has been a healing 45 minutes that we've had together. Let me know, I would love to hear from you. Hayley, thank you on YouTube. Nicole on TikTok saying this helps me understand myself more. Angie Cruz, the last point you made really resonated. Thank you Angie, I really appreciate that. The last point you made really resonated. Thank you, Angie. I really appreciate that. Agata, thank you. Katya, I appreciate you being here.

S on YouTube says, I'm glad I'm not alone. Michelle says, can we rewatch this somewhere? Will people be able to rewatch this somewhere? We're not sure. Is the honest answer from my tech team. We're not sure, but the good news is that we are going to be together again on the 25th of February and if you have enjoyed this then you're really going to enjoy that because this is me, as I said, this was me shooting from the hip today but we're gonna spend

some real time together on the 25th of February I want you to in fact grab your diary I have my little I have my little planner that I take with me everywhere it has all my appointments in it grab whatever your version of this is and write down in it the 25th of February and if you are on Instagram or Facebook let me show you how to access this live it's gonna be free but it's gonna be a full masterclass and I'm gonna give you the best of what I know about heartbreak I'm gonna show you how to heal I'm gonna show you how to get closure I'm gonna show you how to deal with the no contact period.

It's going to be very practical, but it's also going to be deeply emotional and healing. You know, there's going to be a real balance between very practical advice for you right now, as you go through heartbreak, you know, what do you do if you regret certain things? If you really regret having behaved a certain way in the relationship and you think you're responsible for losing the love of your life. We're going to talk about that and what you can do about it. If you feel like you don't know how to handle the no contact period or someone has reached out to you and you don't know what to say, should I break the no contact period to reply to them or I'm going to show you

what to do practically during that time. If you are struggling chronically to move on from someone, we're gonna talk about that. We're gonna talk about all of it. It's gonna be a really powerful, powerful session and I'm also gonna give you some immediate first-aid advice for getting out, like for when you're in the true despair and you don't know what to do. I'm gonna give you some tools that I learned that have changed my life when it comes to the deepest emotional pain and I'm going to show you those tools so that you can use them. All of this is going to happen on the 25th of February. If you're on Instagram or Facebook all you need to do to sign up is comment the word HEAL and I will send you a link. It'll take you 10 seconds to sign up

through the link that I send you. If you're on TikTok or YouTube that method won't work but what will work is if you open a browser and go to lovelifetraining.com I'll put the browser link right up there if you could just throw that up David that would be great. lovelifetraining.com that link just up there. Open a browser now before you do anything else today, I promise you, there will be people who have loved today, who forget to sign up. And then on the 26th of February,

they will be lamenting the fact that they weren't there on the day. This is happening once live. So please come join us. Lovelifetraining.com is the link. Sign up now and then it's done. It's in your diary. And you know that you're gonna be feeling better this month. All right it's been such a

pleasure to be with you all. What time is that event happening? So it's 11 a.m. Pacific time so I suppose that's 1, what is that 2 p.m. Eastern time, and I think that's probably 7 p.m. UK time, but 11 a.m. Pacific time, for those of you asking what time that will be, mark that time off in your diary. Please make sure you don't have anything else going on during that hour. This is your emotional wellbeing we're talking about.

And if you, remember, you are the creator of the good things in your life, whether it's career opportunities, whether it's new love, whether it's great relationships, friendships, great emotional states, you are the source of all of that. And when you work on this and this, and you get those things right again, you're gonna become powerful in your life all over again and a completely new

level of power. So if any part of you is telling you, Oh, I don't have time because I have to do this piece of work or I, I promise you everything in your life gets better when your emotional wellbeing gets better. Okay. If you're not right, everything in your life is going to be harder. Love heartbreak has a way of poisoning everything else in our life if we don't get it right. So give yourself the gift of really focusing on this session when we do it and I'll see you on the 25th. Okay? Lovelifetraining.com is the link and I can't wait to see you all. I really can't.

This has been a beautiful session and this is just the taste. The real thing's happening on the 25th of February. Alright guys, I'm sending you all so much love today. Hang in there. Stay strong. Happy Valentine's. And I'll see you on the 25th. Bye everyone. Thank you so much for listening everyone. Remember you can always email me podcast at matthewhussy.com if you want questions answered on the show or to just give us feedback on the show and don't forget to join us on February the 25th for How to Heal from Heartbreak,

my big free masterclass. You can sign up by going to lovelifetraining.com it'll take you 10 seconds and then I will see you on the 25th of February. you