Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 287: Green Flags vs. Red Flags: How to Tell If They’re Relationship Material

Episode Date: March 12, 2025

Welcome to the new re-branded Love Life Podcast, where Matthew, Audrey, and Stephen bring you fresh relationship insights, answer your questions, and throw in a silly game or two every week! In this inaugural episode, we're flipping the script on dating talk—everyone loves to discuss red flags, but today, we're diving into green flags: the subtle but crucial signs that someone is truly relationship material. Topics Covered in This Episode: Why society is obsessed with red flags and how to shift focus to green flags The #1 trait that predicts long-term relationship success The power of celebrating each other's successes in a relationship Why curiosity and learning about your partner is a game-changer How to recognize real green flags vs. performative charm What to do if you’re only attracted to red flag energy Plus: We introduce Green Flag Dilemmas, a fun game that may or may not return 💡 Listener Challenge: Have an idea for what our Love Life members should be called? Email us at [e-mail] with your suggestions! ►► Transform Your Relationship With Life in One Powerful Weekend. Learn More About my Weekend Retreat at →  http://www.MHWeekendRetreat.com ►► Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com

It's Matthew AI, how can I help? Oh, hello Matthew AI. I am starting a podcast right now and I'm trying to explain to the world how useful you are. But it's all a bit overwhelming and I'm looking for a very kind of succinct way of explaining just how useful you are to subscribe to. I wonder if you could help. Matthew AI is like having a personal coach in your pocket, available 24-7. Whether someone needs practical advice, emotional support or even help decoding

a tricky text exchange, I'm here to provide clear, actionable guidance. I'm designed to help people navigate their relationships, build confidence and make decisions that align with their goals. It's not just about answering questions, it's about empowering people to take control of their love lives and feel more confident in themselves. Does that help you frame it for your audience?

Yeah, it's actually perfect. I couldn't have said it better myself. Is there a way that anyone could get maybe a free question from you if they just wanted to try you out? Yes, absolutely. Anyone can try Matthew.ai for free by visiting askmh.com.

They can ask a question and experience how it works firsthand. It's a great way to see how I can help with anything from practical advice to emotional support. It's all about giving people a chance to explore the value before committing further. Does that sound like something your audience would find useful? Well, we always talk about exploring the value of someone before you commit further. So I think it would.

If you want to go and explore the value of Matthew AI before you make a commitment, go to askmh.com and explore the value of Matthew.ai before you make a commitment, go to askmh.com and ask your question right now. All right, Stephen. Hello friends. All right, Audrey. Hi. We're back.

We are. With a brand new podcast. Yay. This is it, is it? The new podcast, the new format every week the inaugural episode Well, I'm very excited to be here. Well, what's coming up today in this brand new? Iteration of the love life podcast. We're gonna be talking about flags, but I want to talk about green flags I feel there's a lot in the culture right now.

Look at the best picture winner in the Oscars, Matt. Anora. Look at some of these other films that have been big in the last year. This is us. And what would you say is the relevance of Anora to this subject? Well, there's big red flags. Anora, big red flags. This is us, big red flags. Nosferatu. Extremely large red flags, This is us, big red flags. Nosferatu, extremely large red flags, especially if you saw that man.

Isn't that about Dracula? It is, but when he goes to that man's castle, he gives him far more chances than that man deserves, given how he looks. The man showing up to Dracula's castle gives Dracula too many chances. It's not Dracula gives him too many chances. I mean, he already looks horrifying when you go into his insane, creepy castle in Transylvania.

Yeah, but whoa, whoa, whoa. Have you not seen Beauty and the Beast? Yeah, it's not exactly a looker. And it turned out really well, so. She was fine. That's your model, is it? So stick around for the Beast because he might be cursed. I'm just saying Audrey's got a point. Nosferatu, you know, the whole Dracula story beauty and the beast, there's actually some common ground there. Yeah. So she should have given

him a chance. Have you seen the film? Do you know what happens if you give an inch to Nosferatu? I'll be honest. I haven't seen Nosferatu, but I am somewhat familiar with the Dracula story. Okay. Well... I didn't know if it was like a quirky new take, like a sort of... Okay, well... If it turned it into a bit of a rom-com. With Steven O'Rourke. If you were Lily Rose Depp's character in that film, you wouldn't think,

yeah, let's give this guy a few more chances to fly in through my window and try and devour me in some horrific, bloody, macabre way. Fair enough. But my point is, a lot of films lately, it's all about the red flags. This is us, bad dude, Anora, bad dude, Nosferatu, bad man, vampire, monster hybrid. Bad bat. Yeah. And Inora just one best picture.

Well, I want to talk about Inora a little bit, although I have a video coming out about Inora, so I don't want to go too much into this because I'm writing a video on the red flags in Inora right now. If you've seen Inora and you want to talk about the red flags, you saw email podcast at Matthew Hussey. So we've got that coming up today. We're going to be talking about green flags.

Yes. And maybe a couple of red flags as well. Maybe a couple. How do you know whether you should keep dating someone that you're dating right now? For anyone who is a Love Life member, we also have coming up in the next week or so, on March the 12th, how to get over them live with Audrey. So you're gonna be running an entire session for people who are trying to get over someone. Yeah, it's part of our heartbreak recovery plan that we've put together.

That's happening March 12th, March 14th. I am gonna be doing a live check-in with all of our Love Life members. March the 18th, we have the release of a brand new program with Jillian Turecki. I know that there'll be some Jillian Turecki fans in our podcast audience.

I know that our members are very excited for that. So she has a course coming out on how to choose the right person. On March 19th, Steve and you are running a course on how to rebuild your self-worth. I am, after heartbreak. And on March the 27th, for anyone who lives near Los Angeles or just wants a trip, a Hollywood trip to add to their year, we are doing Love Life Live, our special in-person event.

Every year we have a small handful of in-person events that are for our Love Life members and we have one on the 27th of March. So that's all coming up inside Love Life. There has never been a better time to be a Love Life member and you can join at joinlovelife.com is an incredible graduation from listening to the podcast. Not that I'm saying listening to the podcast is bad because listening to the podcast is wonderful. I do feel like we need a name for people who are part of our Love Life coaching group.

I don't have a pithy, I feel like we need some sort of fun name. I don't think we can trust either of you because every time you give me a nickname, it's really offensive. Well, we also can't trust Stephen because we know his nickname for everything. Pickles, peaches, puddings and pears. Which is many nicknames, but Pickles is always your go-to.

So, email us if you have an idea for what our Love Life members should be referred to as. Something that's both sort of honorary and affectionate, but also doesn't take itself too seriously, hopefully. You know, email podcast at matthewhussy.com for any ideas you have for that. So that's everything that's coming up in Love Life. And well, let's, let's get on to the subject of today. Yeah, so I think, you know, we all know about Red Flex. They're all over the place. And again, we've got a bunch of movies in the last year. And Nora just won Best Picture. You guys saw Nora. Yes.

Yeah, we really loved Nora. You loved Nora. And I mean... Can I just say something real quick? Did you guys see on Instagram all those memes about how Mickey Madison, who's the lead actress in Anorah, winning best actress in the Oscars over Demi Moore for The Substance was like the actual plot of The Substance? I did see that.

I saw someone tweet that. Wow. It was very funny. That's really funny. I mean, no shade on Mickey Madison because she was amazing in an aura, but it was just such an interesting observation. For anyone who has seen both of those movies,

you'll probably go, oh my God. That's really funny. I hadn't even connected. I did think it was Demi's year, I thought. I kind of thought so too. I thought that was it. I kind of thought so too. If there was ever a time.

Continue. Yes, so ever a time. Continue. Yes, so you guys watch a Nora. I mean, that's kind of a story of like, there's a lot of kind of tragic elements going on there, class elements, all this, but like there's this guy who's like a walking, I mean, he's a walking red flag, right? He kind of is childish, he's immature.

They meet in a strip club. Meet in a strip club. He's kind of like cavalier with using people. He's kind of a party animal, but he also kind of dazzles and seduces Nora with lifestyle, roller coaster, the places he takes her, the friends. He's got all these, you know, just-

Some very red bedsheets. Red bedsheets, I don't remember that. I don't remember the red bedsheets. Maybe that was symbolism. He has red, like silk red bedsheets. Oh, right, I never picked up on that detail. That's symbolism. No one can pick up, no one can resist

the silk red bedsheets. So I wonder kind of- There's a red flag right there. You know, people end up always listing their red flags, their turn offs, their icks, their, this is the sign to run away. I kind of want to invert a bit and look at, what are green flecks?

What are things you know at least is a tick? Like if you see this pass, go, go further. Not just like nice to have, oh we share the same taste in movies, he's a good cook or something, but like what's something where it's like that's like ah you should move towards that because I feel like there's this thing now where everyone's always just saying what they don't want and always like you've got to avoid this, move away from that, danger danger and I feel

like it can't be good for you to just always be focused on like things that turn you off. It's almost like that's, that's a dangerous way to like start, but I want to look through some for our audience and you know, some through an article that I've had a look at, but I want to talk at like, what are the signs to pass go? If you see this. Very good. So, I want to share what I think, do you want me to give what my personal ones are? Yes. Or share from this article? So, there is this article that said, the biggest green flag of them all, right?

And obviously someone's going to have, you're going to get any article that's going to have generic things, trust, communication, emotional stability. You know, we know a lot of these things, but this is had a good one by a psychologist called Mark Travers. And the thing that he said was one trait that quietly predicts long-term relationship success is the ability to change one's mind. Oh, I like that. And he kind of talks about how this can kind of bring, you know, we like to think, oh, this person's steadfast, they're consistent, they know what all their beliefs are. But he says this ability to kind of have this flexibility is very, very useful in the kind of long-term relationship

because you kind of have this self-correcting mechanism, which is the same if you believe something, you're more likely to be correct if you change your mind frequently because you're probably changing it based on evidence. You're also probably better equipped to compromise when you end up in a situation where you don't agree on something,

which inevitably always happens in a relationship. You won't agree on something big, and then you have to find a way to fight for the inches and get in the middle together. And you can only do that if you have a malleability and an ability to kind of change your perspective. So I really love that. Yeah, yeah, I agree.

And so there's like questions like, do they admit when they're wrong? Do they ask thoughtful questions instead of immediately dismissing different viewpoints? Instead of saying, are these people are all wrong, who I don't agree with, that I kind of present their ideas or ask thoughtful questions about your beliefs if they disagree. When given feedback, do they get defensive or do they take a bit of time to reflect? Even just being like, oh, that's interesting. I have to think about that. That for me is like a big tick. If I'm talking about just some ideas with someone and someone will say that and just go, oh, I'm not

sure or I need to think more about that, that's interesting. And then how do they react to small moments of correction? Like a small moment if they're proven wrong, if they think oh I acted not in the best way there, I upset someone, I did something slightly wrong, how do they react when they're corrected? So that's one of my big green flags. The other two for me are someone who celebrates your successes and supports your goals. I think a lot of people get too much in the idea of almost competing. If you've got two people who are ambitious,

they can kind of pass up, like they want someone who's successful, but they're not actually supportive of what the other person's doing. They're not actually helping like, let me, let me help make it easier for you and you do it for me. And we kind of build each other up. So that one I really like. And then them learning what you like, like learning what each other like and genuinely

taking an interest or exploring it not they don't have to like read the same books as you they don't have to like like your hobby or sport but but then being really curious to learn what you like or learning the things you like the behaviors you like the love language you like that I find if you have that you can go really far because if someone's willing to like, I wanna learn about you, what excites you, turns you on, gets you passionate, then I feel like you can go far with that.

I love that. I love all of those. I think they're really, really good. I actually really like what you said in the last one as well because I love this idea of like, I think most successful relationships are when two people really, really study each other. And, you know, if you think about it, if you're studying a subject, there will be things around that subject that you're more or less interested in. There will be

areas that you don't really understand what's going on. There'll be areas where you're like, naturally really gravitating towards certain things. But either way, you take a commitment to studying that subject so that you can learn about that subject and become an expert in that naturally really gravitating towards certain things. But either way, you take a commitment to studying that subject so that you can learn about that subject and become an expert in that subject. And I sort of think relationships are similar, where if you meet someone that you think is really wonderful, like two people coming together

and really studying each other makes for a beautiful relationship because you have to almost, it allows you to really understand like the full nuance of the person in front of you. Yeah, there's something interesting about that because in order to study someone in that way and wanna learn what makes them happy,

wanna learn what they're into and what they're all about, you have to start from a place of caring. In other words, like one of the defining features of the relationship, if you can call it a relationship, in Anora is that he doesn't really see her as a human being with needs. a human being with needs. She's just there for his entertainment, for his comfort, for his excitement. And the really the moment she has any kind of needs, it's a problem. And it all falls apart. And that's, he's like,

in a very extreme sense, he is, you know, he's the son of a Russian oligarch, essentially. I think I'm, I think I'm right about that. And there is a level of extraordinary mutated off the charts entitlement that we're seeing play out there where he couldn't give a damn about what she's into or what she likes or studying her. She exists for him as far as he's concerned. And while that's the extreme, I do think that this all kind of assumes that you're engaging with someone who's not coming with a level of entitlement that says, I'm great, I have lots to offer. So it's a given that you should be attracted to me.

And being attracted to me should be enough for you. And that you're attractive is enough for me. Like there's a lot of situations that start that way. And I, you know, there's a lot therefore of dates where people complain that like they didn't ask any questions. They didn't ask, I was asking all the questions. I was being a great company. I was showing massive curiosity about them.

And I kept, you know, I literally, we hear from people who say I tested to see how long it would be before they asked a question. And some people like it was an hour or it was the whole date. I even left pauses and barely anything happened in the pauses. Imagine preferring an awkward silence over asking someone a question.

Yeah. But that's the level of either entitlement or non-interest in somebody else. So I think a big problem of dating today is that people keep coming across people who basically are adopting the position of I think I'm a catch so you should be into me and you're attractive or you've got something I find attractive and that's enough for me. or you've got something I find attractive and that's enough for me. I therefore don't need to know who you are at a deeper level

or what you're into or what makes you tick. As long as you're choosing me and you're on my arm, I'm good. And then a lot of people feel, that's why they end up in relationships where they're like, I don't feel seen at all I don't feel I feel lonely in this relationship. I don't feel like this person really knows me or understands me So it's it's kind of

When you said these things Steven I looked at it like oh, there's almost like meta level values and Traits that are necessary for these things, for these green flags to even exist. So you have, you know, they can change their mind. Well, in order to be able to change one's mind, you have to have humility. So that's like a meta level trait. That's important.

If you're a person who is capable of changing their mind, or as you said, Audrey saying, sorry, shifting your position in an argument. You also have to have a kind of intellectual curiosity. If you look at they celebrate your successes, well the kind of meta level value they have to have there is, or trait is a sense of security. You can't celebrate someone else's successes if you're constantly envious of those successes. Yeah. And a sense of, that's a sense of mutual support.

It's like, you're not just selfishly like, it's just about my thing working. It's like you're, you're willing to support and play like play sometimes. Oh, I'm going to just support them right now. Yeah, it's not all a competition. You can't be viewing everything through the lens of competition. And ideally you have to be secure enough that you can celebrate someone else's wins. And then, you know, being curious to learn what someone else likes that requires a kind of generosity you have to have a generosity about you that says

and and again I think humility that I'm not going in so entitled that I think me being who I am is enough me looking the way I look is enough and that happens on both sides by the way I think men get. And that happens on both sides, by the way. I think men get a bad rap for this, but that happens with plenty of women too, who feel like it's enough that I look the part. It's enough that I am someone who looks this way and gets loads of attention.

So I don't have to do much else. And then we pay the price for getting into relationships with people like that. Because we're like, oh my God, at first, it was really exciting or I was blinded by how attractive they were. I was blinded by the very thing that they relied on me being blinded by.

And now that I'm with them, I hate the fact that I don't feel seen and they never say sorry and they don't celebrate my wins. They don't even care about my wins. Maybe they don't even know what my wins are because they never even asked me any questions. It's so interesting as well because we can be very myopic going into relationships, I think, because we really want to get someone.

So we're like, I just need to get this person and I'll do whatever, I'll be whoever I need to be and I'll do whatever I need to do in order to just secure this person. And I'll worry about all those things later. I'll worry about, you know, making sure that they meet my needs in these ways later once I've got them.

But, you know, what long-term relationships and marriages teach you is that the person, the quality of the character of the person that you're with is absolutely everything to the longevity of your relationship. And it really doesn't matter that you secure this person. You might end up in a relationship with them for two or three years.

Eventually, you will burst with unhappiness and you will be like, I'm not having my needs met, I'm so deeply unhappy and it will come out and it will break down. And you'll end up right back where you started. So it's really, really worth paying attention to the things you're mentioning. And being like getting increasingly more comfortable

pointing out the disparity between what behavior you would like to see and what you're actually getting. And even if you're not pointing it out, paying attention. This is a strange example, but there's someone that I've been texting with to do some work, like for our house. And this person said that they were going to send people on a certain day. And they just didn't show up.

And I texted on the day and I said, hey, um, was waiting on the guys today. What happened? You know, are they still coming, checking in? And he said, yeah, they got caught up on another job today. They can come tomorrow. And of course, internally, I'm like, wow, how rude. And of course internally I'm like, wow, how rude. You're like, your time is not worth more than mine. I'm not saying my time is worth more than his,

but if I wait around for people to show up and they don't show up and your response is not, you know, I'm so sorry, this happened, I should have not, you know, I'm so sorry, this happened, I should have gotten, you know, that's not your, that's already for me something I'm paying attention to. And I texted and I said, tomorrow works, next time could you please let me know ahead of time, because I was waiting there today

for them to show up. No response. Wow. Same person in like later on, I sent two messages. This was on a completely different day. I sent two messages. One of them was what time are they coming today? And the second one was also

when they're here, can they look at XYZ because when they came last time, this stopped working and I need them to take a look at that. I just got a message back that said, they're coming from four to five. Didn't answer my second message. I then said, thanks for letting me know what time they're coming, and then highlighted the message that I sent and said, could you please respond to this message? The reason I'm saying this is because firstly, when I have an interaction like this with someone,

I'm noting everything down like mentally I'm making a note. I don't want to become someone I don't like so I don't want to now become Passive aggressive with this person. I don't want to get into it. It's not that to me is just leaking energy but I am noting all of it and I'm making a record of it going, I know that long term, I'm not going to work with this person. Like this isn't going to work because this isn't the kind of person I want to do business with. In dating, very often we'll send a couple of messages to someone and they get back to like one message

and then they just completely ignore the other thing we've said. And sometimes in our haste to be liked, again you've said it already Audrey, when we're so focused on whether we can get that person, we don't notice or we don't want to notice that they sent a message back to one thing but then just completely ignored something we sent them, a question that we asked them and maybe it was a question about like you know are we still on for this weekend and they answered the easy part but the part that forced them to commit to a plan this weekend they just ignored. When that happens you have a choice. You can either confront that and you don't have to confront in a difficult way. You can literally just

highlight the message and be like also this. Like I'm not gonna be that person who just glosses over these things because it's us that pays the price later and I'm I'm actually all about giving people the benefit of the doubt in the moment in the sense of like maybe that person was in a rush maybe that person who was texting me was in a mad rush maybe they were driving when they sent that text and they were like I'm gonna quick send a quick text to the thing you said but I'll get back to the other part later.

Maybe that's the case. But if that happens a couple of times in a row, now I'm really paying attention. So these green flags are not just things that I think we do get too focused on red flags, but when someone does the wrong thing, they are opportunities to see if they can do the right thing.

If I point, if you don't show up when you say you're gonna show up, and I point out, can you please let me know next time in advance, because I was waiting. If you then send a message back and you say, you're so right, I'm, you know, I'm really sorry about that that's on me won't happen again. Oh green flag. Yeah. But if if I send that message and you don't text back to that or you text back a very flippant response to that or you

don't take any ownership that's a double red flag now. Yeah get in the ocean. The ocean? Yeah get in the sea. A green flag isn't never making mistakes, it's how you respond to mistakes. But you won't be able to see if someone's response to a mistake is a green flag, unless you're someone who's capable of not letting someone off the hook so easily. Albeit there's elegant and gracious ways to do that,

not everything is about being confrontational, but you have to actually, you have to have the strength to have people have to respond to those moments. And then you get to see how they respond and that response could be a green flag or they could double down on the red. Well, this is a great bridge for something that we're gonna be doing today,

which is our new segment, Love Life Line, where we've gone out to our Love Life members and we've asked them to send in a voice memo with a question. New segment, hot and fresh out of the oven. We're not calling it that. That's so London. Okay, pending.

Love Life Line. I prefer, for the record, I prefer Love Life Line to hot and fresh out of the oven. I don't know, it's quite nice. Banana bread. Freshly baked. Banana bread is hot and fresh out of the oven. Freshly baked. So are you now suggesting this whole segment should be called banana bread?

Well, I just think we should consider the merits of banana bread. Banana bread's not bad. It doesn't make any sense, but it's not bad. Banana phone. It will only make sense for people who have listened to this episode. Trust producer David to come up with a food-related title. And that is why he's here, folks. All right, let's go on with banana bread.

Love Life Line, not banana bread, is where we went out to our members and asked them a question. We got a really, really good question from a lovely lady called Samuela, who is French. Vive la France. Vive la France. Vive la France. Is that a thing we're doing now?

Yes, every time we have a French. I have to, because I'm married to a French woman, so it's, I have to. You sort of have to as well as the brother-in-law. You do, yeah, I demand it. Producer David, can we have the question please? Hi Matthew, hi Audrey, hi everyone. I'm Samuel from France. I have a question relating to what seemed to be green flags in the beginning. I have found in my last

relationship as I was discovering the person I was really feeling like they were familiar, feeling like I was recognizing them during the discovery process, feeling like that all their values aligned with mine and something felt really familiar about it. But because I have childhood trauma that landed me in quite a lot of trouble and that is a feeling I don't know how to navigate and how to trust or distrust in different contexts. Thank you for your answers and thank you for all your great work. Bye. What was her name? Samuela. Samuela. So was Samuela saying that there's something, for want of a better word, dysfunctional about the way she's showing up in the world and

therefore looking for that same, like accepting and looking for that same thing in someone else is actually not necessarily the best way for her to find a healthy relationship or is there something else she's saying? I thought what she said was that she could not discern between somebody that felt familiar because they reminded her of childhood trauma and negative things and a green flag. You know when you meet someone you're like, oh they feel really like, they feel like home,

but then when you go, oh but home is so dysfunctional for me that I'm not sure that's a good thing. Yes. That's what I think she meant. Yeah, that sounds right. Which is incredibly common. I talk about this in my new book, this idea that when we choose certain people,

it's so common for us to choose what feels familiar, what is known to us. Our nervous system responds to certain things and I think this is where we get to be a kind of empiricist in our own life. In other words we get to look at the data in our life and the stories and say, where has selecting for this kind of behavior or this kind of person taken me down the wrong path before? Or, and this is sometimes a more nuanced thing. Where has, where has going for this kind of familiar behavior not necessarily been an indicator of how good of a person someone is.

Like I'll give you an example. I have learned about myself that, and this is still true to this day in my life, you and I will go to like a party or something or a social gathering and once a year, once a year. Yes. And your outing of the house. And when we're there, they'll often be not always, but they'll often be like one person who I like quicker than everybody else. And when I like that person, initially, the feeling is so familiar to me at this point.

I'm like, oh, me and this person, how lucky we found each other. Like, we're gonna be great friends. Like, this is exactly my person. Like, I say something and they laugh really hard and they are so warm and affectionate in the way that exactly I like. And it just feels so easy. Like oh my god this feels so easy compared to everyone else in the room.

And it's crazy how many times in my life that person, if I then flash forward a month, sometimes even a week, actually the timings got shorter and shorter as I've become more and more aware of my own patterns. But it used to be a lot longer. But after a certain amount of time, that will be the person that I end up saying, that person's like kind of like a little bit manipulaty. Like that person's a little bit like, they kind of, I don't know, I don't like their character. I don't think they have a lot of integrity or they... You see the mask slip.

Yeah they don't mean what they say or I'll start to like realize and it used to take me a long time to realize that, years in some cases, but more and more these days because a long time to realize that years in some cases But more and more these days because I'm so aware of that pattern in myself Now what will happen? This is the crazy part now I'll realize by the end of the party So I'll still have my initial like like lovefest with this person where I'm like, that person's great, aren't they? And then by the end of the party, something has happened, they've said something or they've

come on a little too strong in a certain area and I, and I'll walk away and I'll go, something about that I didn't like. And you and I will go home and I'll look at you and I'll go, is it just me? Or was there something about that person that made you feel a little off? That seemed a little off? And you'll agree, you'll be like, oh my god, I'm so glad you said that. That's me paying attention. Firstly, before anything else, it's just me paying attention to how many times in my life that instinct has actually steered me wrong. And I, you know, that's why I have a whole chapter in the book called Question Your Instincts, which is not something we get told very often. In fact it sounds to most people like bad advice because most people have

taken some version of trust your gut, trust your intuition, trust your instincts and taken it to all mean the same thing. So when, if I say, be careful of trusting your instincts, people are like, what do you mean? My instincts are all I have. They're actually not all you have. They are response systems that have been developed for survival and they may have been helping you survive

something that's no longer a problem in your life or it might be the context in which you had to survive before is no longer relevant now. So we have to be very careful of how our survival instincts are showing up in our lives today and for Sam, Sam Weller, for Sam Weller there might be a survival instinct that's showing up that's making someone feel like home. And it would be worth asking at the very least, when we have a situation like this, there's no perfect science to figuring out whether you're right or wrong.

Whether this is gonna lead you astray or gonna lead you to someone amazing. What we can do is start to introduce a curiosity to these situations and say, has it been true in the past that the things I'm really drawn to right now can often be revealed to be very superficial things, very superficial behaviors that aren't underpinned by a deeper integrity, by a deeper sense of character. Has that been true before in my life? Yes? Okay then. Has it been true many times before?

Yes? Okay. So at the very least we might say, now you could also ask, has it been true that sometimes I've seen these things in someone and they've turned out to be a lovely person? Now, you could also ask, has it been true that sometimes I've seen these things in someone and they've turned out to be a lovely person? Maybe the answer is yes. But what we get from those questions is, ah, okay, so what we know is the conclusion here is that these things that are making me feel like I'm home, which feels good in the moment, are not by any means an indicator of the deeper character of this person, of their ability to show up,

of their ability to be loyal, of their ability to be a good human being or to still be in my life six months from now. And if that's the case, it doesn't mean I have to run a mile, but at the very least, what it allows me to do is temper these feelings and this enthusiasm I have right now. I have tried to not become a cynic when I hit it off with someone immediately. But what I am so acutely aware of is how many times I have been wrong about that instinct.

And how often, conversely, the people that were a much more subtle, whose light emitted in a much more subtle way when we met, where I didn't go away going, that was the greatest person in the room, ended up becoming the people I loved the most in the months or the years that followed. That also is information. Maybe you and Audrey are just overly seduced by charm.

Her especially. I mean, this whole story was about you being overly seduced by charm. Her especially. I mean this whole story was about you being over this. Yeah but I was able to walk away unlike you. When Matt first said he walked into the party and was having such an amazing conversation and thought this person was so interesting I I just pictured him talking to his own AI at the party. He's just there, just you look around the party, everyone's having a drink and then Matt's just on his phone. Just like, this person's so charming. Yeah. Why did you have your earphones on? Why were you staring at the wall talking for two hours?

No, but that's true. We have our homing missiles and we have our things that are familiar. Sometimes to people, someone who doesn't even give you a lot of attention is familiar and that's more familiar than someone who lights up when you text them and is reciprocal. Could you go, oh, this doesn't feel like normal. It's more normal when someone's a little bit unsure.

I have to earn love. That feels more normal. Like earning love and having to fight for someone's a little bit unsure. I have to earn love. That feels more normal. Like earning love and having to fight for someone's attention than someone who's just available. And complicated feels more normal than simple. That's why I think in life and like at that party or in your life, it's like you've got to just see those dings of green lights and just the more you can have

those people around you all the time, like you start to absorb that, that consistency, people saying what they mean, people telling the truth, you kind of become like, yeah, it kind of needs to become this homing instinct for like, just, just gather more of that around you. It starts to become more normal. I love that Stephen. I actually it starts to become more normal. I love that, Stephen. I actually was gonna say,

which is a really nice follow on from what you've just said, I was gonna say to Samuella, practically speaking, something I think is really, really useful in your life. And if you don't trust your taste in people, something that's really useful is to try and branch out and become friends with different kinds of people. That's great advice.

And trying to find qualities in friends where you're like, this friend isn't necessarily the shiniest friend or the most charismatic friend or the most whatever friend, but they're really interesting or they're really kind or they're really consistent, they really wanna be my friend and they actually want to invest time and energy into me

and they don't gossip about other people. They're not indulging in behaviors that are gonna kind of lead me down a path that isn't a good path for me, like whatever it might be. And I think sometimes we have to be really careful of our type, our type of person, it's kind of what you're talking about. And so branching out through different kinds of friendships

and they might feel a little bit boring at first because your friend who drinks a lot, is the funniest person in the room, is super charming, has always got a great story, gossips about everyone and lights up any room, that friend might actually be a terrible person for your life, a terrible person for your taste in people, a terrible person in terms of like a kind of like model

that you should look up to for a connection. And that friend, comparatively to the more quiet friend who isn't those things necessarily, but is these other things I mentioned, like they might feel a little bit boring compared to that shiny friend. But the more time you actually invest and spend with this other person who will make you feel safe,

will make you feel seen, will make you hopefully feel expanded, the more you start to realize, well, it's not really where it's at those shiny, charismatic people. You know what I mean? And I think that's a really good first step because I think when it comes

to our romantic relationships, it's super difficult to kind of retrain ourselves to be attracted to something. But I think that if we can start and take small steps with using our interpersonal relationships through our friendships, work friendships, et cetera. I think that's a really, really nice place to start.

Yeah, I agree. That's really good advice. ["Dreams of a New World"] Before we go on with the podcast, I wanted to tell you about an event I have going on in October, a two-day event that is designed to help you handle difficult emotions, help

you change your behavioral patterns that might be holding you back in life, and help you transform your inner monologue so that once and for all, you can build an amazing relationship with yourself and what I call true core confidence. This event is my only major event this year. It is the two-day Matthew Hussey retreat, and the early bird tickets are available only until the 28th of March. They are deeply discounted right now. And I promise you, this is really, really

gonna change things for you. It's gonna both change how happy you are on the inside, but it's also gonna change the opportunities you get on the outside, whether they're opportunities for new love, new relationships, new career opportunities, more meaning in your life, beginning a new chapter. This is the most powerful work I do.

So I hope you join us. Tickets are on sale at MHRetreat.com. All right, back to the video. Well guys, on the topic of green flags, are you ready to play a game? Oh my god, yes. Well we have a brand new feature that may only last for this episode. Do we have a song for the game? We can-

We're sourcing one. Can we have David, you sort of do a song on the fly for the game? Um, dee da dum ba dum ba dee da da bum ba dum bum bum. Bum ba bum ba bum ba ba bum ba bum ba bum bum. Let's play Green Flag Dilemmas. Oh, it does sound very episode specific, so I do think it's probably. Oh, wow. Okay. specific so I do think there's probably... Oh wow there's a hat. Oh my god! For all of our audio listeners, Stephen has just put on a hat.

Crew if we have a couple of extras? Firstly I didn't even know what this game was. I saw those hats in the corner! I didn't realise... These are incredible, these are homemade. Oh my you guys. Oh, these are great. OK. OK. It's the hats that were made for one feature. Are you ready? Let me just adjust this for my little head. Your little pea brain. So for our audio, not your brain.

For our audio listeners, David especially painstakingly made these hats with a little green flag. You were crafting them. I could have guessed. Listeners David especially painstakingly made these hats with a little green flower you were popping David I like the structure of this hat I did take care in the construction of this and You'll find in inside that there's actually a cardboard insert for your cranial comfort. Yeah, no, it's good. I can feel it, David. I did it just for you, Matt. Just for you. I knew that you wouldn't, you know.

You guys look stupid. Do you know, what's that thing in Warner Brothers? Is it like the Animaniacs or something? Yeah. The thing with the twirly... Oh, no, is it the Animaniacs? What's the funny thing? I mean, that appears on a lot of cartoons. The hat with the twirly. Oh no, is it the Animaniacs? What's the funny? I mean, that appears on a lot of cartoons. The hat with the twirly thing on the head. Yeah. That's what Audrey looks like.

Just Audrey. Okay. So we're going to play a little game. It's actually directed towards Audrey. It's called Green Flag Dilemmasas. I'm gonna give you two green flags Okay But hypothetical green flags about Matthew and you're gonna have to choose which one you would rather Okay, okay. Okay. So we're assuming currently he has none of these

Right, we're assuming if he didn't have these, cause I don't know if he does. I don't know the specifics of your relationship, but if he does and you can choose between them. I'm gonna get you back for the hat. So number one, Matt plans a special, beautiful, romantic date night every week for you both?

Or he's six foot four. I would definitely pick the date night. You picked the date night? Yes. Very quick answer. You weren't very tall there. Why didn't you go like six, two? It's gotta be a dilemma.

Okay. Are you choosing the romantic date night? Yeah, I am choosing a romantic date night. Hint, hint. She couldn't, I mean, how could she say the tall one? It's not, I can't change that. Maybe she doesn't care about date night. It doesn't sound like you guys like going out a lot. No, but I don't think in good conscience she would choose this particular moment in time to destroy my confidence. Okay. It's just choice. Not while you're wearing that hat. You're probably about six foot with the hat. So okay.

Number two, Matthew always has time to talk and listen and shows interest in whatever you're feeling. That one. She's going to go for that one. I can tell you right now. It doesn't matter what the other one is. She's going for that one. Or he loves animals as much as you do and wants to get a dog.

Ooh. Oh, wow. That is a dilemma, but I can still tell you which one she'd go for. I'm gonna go with, will always listen to my feelings. Yeah, not possible by the way. Why, she has a lot.

So many. I have many feelings. No one, it's not humanly possible for any one man. You are both feelingsy. I'm not that bad. Don't make it about me. Okay. But can I not just have both?

Can I swap in the day and night for the dog? I've said this, we're not getting a dog. Okay, well you're gonna listen to my feelings then. Do I get these at the end of the game? By the way, before everyone starts writing in and saying, I can't believe Matthew just like says, you're not getting a dog and that that stands. That's right.

We've had many conversations about it and it's not happening and it's sad but I understand. I love dogs by the way. So I don't want any emails about how I'm an animal. Okay, how about this? If we get over a hundred emails with the subject line saying get us a dog. That will happen in like 10 seconds. Yeah, because people understand that I need a dog.

Guys this is why I wanted to play this game. So that we could air out our relationship issues on the first podcast, the first new podcast of this format. I really wanted to expose some fishers, you know, and the idea that this ends up being a one episode launch. It's just one episode and then it's flamed out. Okay, number three. Go on.

He'll join you on any event, even ones he usually hates. Or he's six foot four. Six foot, no I'm joking. She can't say that. I don't even, she might be thinking it. I don't want you to be six foot four. I also- Would you want me to be six too?

Or he has 30% more muscle mass. She doesn't thinking it. I don't want you to be six foot four. I also- Would you want me to be six too? Or he has 30% more muscle mass. She doesn't want that. She's already told me. But I actually don't- She's told me she doesn't want me. She said to me literally like three days ago, she said, if you add any more muscle mass, I'm gonna start to get less attracted to you.

And I just want you to know that. Didn't you? Yeah, it's true. Okay, all right, we'll do a more serious one. He loves to spend time with your friends or family, any of your hobbies, always down to spend time with them. Or he's- Six foot four.

He's willing to tidy up after you anytime you eat, take out the garbage, do all the chores. Already do that. So she's already got that one. She doesn't need to worry about it. You know what's so funny is that I have Vanessa and David in the room who are nodding because they know for what.

How does Vanessa know? Because Vanessa sees me clearing up all the time. Have you seen what I do to my makeup? Vanessa, can you please? We can't say anything because we do not have the hats Yeah, they don't have the hats Their feelings are not valid and their voices do not count And you have not seen you've not been in our bedroom and seen what I have to do to her makeup

Her side of the sink. It's my's my only space where I get to be messy and the rest I'm actually very tidy. You can't disagree with that, I'm a really tidy person. I'm always putting your makeup back in your makeup bag. But that's the only thing, right? What was the first one again, Steve? The first one was you'll spend time with your friends, family, hobbies, he's always down to spend time.

Her hobby is talking. So, it's basically, she's already got me picking up after her and I listen as much as I possibly can. You know what's really interesting? This game was about me and Matt has made it all about him. So I guess my voice doesn't matter. I like that we're all wearing the hats with the green flags.

So while this is happening. No, I would actually pick the first one. The first one. So he's always down, spent time with your friends. Yeah, that would be my first one. But you do that anyway. I do that, yeah. Okay, he brings you coffee in bed every morning.

Already do that. He does. And breakfast. Did you just add that? No. Yeah, I just added the breakfast. Or he never complains about any of your bad habits, like talking too much or.

I don't complain about that. You've- No, you don't complain about that. Baited me and set a trap and I've walked straight into it, Stephen. What I'm hearing is that this just, Matthew deserves this hat so much. Actually, he's got every single one of these dilemmas on both sides, except for 6'4". David, there should be more green flags on this hat of mine. Yeah, well, I think...

It should be papered with green hats, green flags everywhere. I already bring Audrey coffee every single morning. He does, he brings me coffee every single morning. Really? Yeah. In bed. In bed. Apart from recently where I've been getting up early.

I'm like that guy in, what's it called? No, I don't wanna make that comparison. I was gonna say that guy in Dirty John. Oh, what, Dirty John? Yeah, Dirty John. Oh yeah, no, that's not. We're like in the TV show, he brings her a smoothie every morning,

but it turns out not great. Yeah. Not great guy. Like that, but not a sociopath. Yeah, exactly. I'm like Dirty John, but without the malignant. Clean John.

Sociopathic. Narcissism. Narcissism. Yeah. Okay, he. I should never have made that comparison. Another green flag. He never forgets a birthday, Valentine's or anniversary

for your entire relationship. No, I don't want that because I forget, so I don't want that. Or he buys you a new house plant every month. Ooh, definitely the house plant. No, we forget things like that. Not birthdays, but we forgot Valentine's anniversary is plenty of time.

I don't think we celebrated our first year anniversary last year, our first wedding anniversary. But I do already get her plant most months. Right. I've only slowed down because the house is, it's gotten too much now. And her argument is that it can never be too much. Yeah, I would choose the house plant,

but you do buy me plants too. He doesn't, what we're finding out is that Matt is actually a very good partner. Well, yeah, I mean, apart from the complaining about your talking, which is a- He didn't, you put those words in his mouth thank you Audrey I didn't thank you can't split us up can't tear us apart Steve sorry okay guys you should have a red flag on your okay last Okay. Okay. Last one. Thank God. Green flag dilemma. Matt becomes a brilliant, wonderful

Baker. He's a brilliant expert Baker or he's 30% more whimsical. What? What do you mean by whimsical? A bit more, you know, light hearted, a bit more sprightly, a bit more, you know, he's always just in a bit of a more of a light mood, you know, a bit more fun, more fun and playful. Babe. I, I. You think I'm playful. Well, the question is, do you think you're whimsical? Are you whimsical?

Define whimsical as distinct from playful. I think whimsical is like you have a bit of like, imaginative- Like a bit more Willy Wonka? Yes, a bit more Willy Wonka, yeah. Which original Willy Wonka? Chalamet Wonka. Chalamet. Because I think Gene, what was it?

Gene Wilder. I think the Roll of Doll. Gene Wilder's like a bit off the wall. Like he's very eccentric, whereas Shalime is a bit more like sexy whimsical. We've determined the amount. You're 30% more like. So Shalime.

You could break into a little tap dance. Yeah. Or do something imaginative or be, you know, you're just a bit more... Like if I'm talking about Matthew AI, if I'm Shalime Wonka, I would like stand outside the store and do a song about it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I feel bad. I think also you might add this register into your daily speaking voice. Oh, yes!

Like a little bit more of that. You don't have to add that bit but. Okay. So I suppose you keep looking at me but it's really Audrey's question. So do I- It's a fantastic baker. Do you want me to be a bit more like

Timothee Chalamet in Willy Wonka? Or be an amazing- A great baker. Make incredible baked goods every few days. I'm gonna go with the baked goods because A, the way you described this like tap dancing, whimsical character. In Wonkove to be fair, he basically had both.

He was both whimsical and he made the best chocolates. That's true. Yeah, that's true. But I'm not really into that like whole image you're painting personally and if you become a good baker then you can bake fresh croissants and that is really something that I would like. Viva la France. Well guys thanks for playing Green Flag Dilemmas. See music. Wait do the song you need to take us out with the song. You don't even remember it, do you? Do your best. Jesus Christ.

Green flag dilemmas. I'm gonna miss that feature. Well, one time that game. That's it. We did it. Well, let us know what you thought of green flag dilemmas. Are there any other games you wanna see from us? Email podcast at matthewhussy.com if you wanna see more of that nonsense.

Do we have any other thing before we say goodbye to everyone? There's one last thing, one last thing. Can I just tell you something before we go on? Can I tell you about my favorite person who has followed me on Instagram this week? Yeah, go on. I only by chance saw this and it's great.

This guy's name, I clicked on it because he looked like, dare I say slightly whimsical and he's got a hat, a bucket hat and his name's Danny Sandhouse. All right. And he does wood flooring, like he's a wood flooring wizard. And I looked, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

it's in his bio. Wood flooring wizard. And then I looked, look, check this, yeah, yeah. It's in his bio. What boring wizards. And then I looked, look check this, this is a video of Danny Sandow. Whenever I say it, I want to say it in like a real cockney accent, like it's Danny Sandow's. But look, this is him. Hmm, what could be under this old dusty carpet? Anything good? It's euphemistic.

It's a subfloor, guys, it's a subfloor. We call these floorboards in the United Kingdom they've been there for a long time and generally they need lots of repairs. If you're going to do the repairs don't use new wood it won't work you have to use reclaimed timber. Reclaimed pine in this instance as you can see these were floorboards from an equally as old building. That hammer was lent to me by Thor himself. Time to start sanding. Anybody that says you can't sand across the grain, I'm gonna sand your face off. You can if you know what you're doing.

That is Danny Sandhouse. And he's got a little, you obviously can't see on the podcast, but he's holding a little, if you obviously can't see on the podcast, but he's holding a block of wood with a microphone just sort of tied to the end of it. And that's his microphone. I'm a fan already. So Danny Sandhouse, if you're watching this, you are my favorite new follow. And the guy's content is actually very good.

I'll say that now. He's very good. I'll say that now. Yeah. He's very good at what he does. I mean that was actually the most enjoyable thing about wood I've ever watched probably. Danny Sandhouse. Danny if you ever want to come and do some woodwork in our studio, if you want to take our studio to another level, let us know. That would be a big green flag if he did that. That is, I reckon Sandhouse would do it.

I love the fact that we're inviting Danny Sandhouse to LA to come and do our studio. I don't know where he lives. He's from the north of England, I believe. But yeah. Well, thank you for the follow Danny Sandhouse. So to wrap this up, I thought we could read out a couple of comments.

We actually went out to people on Instagram and we asked them what the subtle green flag someone can show in early dating that would make them see relationship potential with them. And we had so many different answers, but I was wondering, do you guys, would you guys have any idea on what the most common one is? The most common green flag that kept coming up for people.

I think one we mentioned earlier, like asking questions. They ask me questions. So we did have that. We had someone say, asking questions about me instead of talking about himself the entire day, but that wasn't the most common one. Green flag, hmm. Like making plans? Making date plans? What's the most common? Wait let me let me think about this.

He doesn't call it no I was gonna say he doesn't like say his exes are crazy or they don't say their exes are crazy, but that would be not, that wouldn't be the biggest one. Healthy boundaries. Like consistency. Consistency. Well done. Yeah, consistency. That was the one that kept coming up. And I think that's actually really true. Consistency is a green flag. There was also a really funny one that I just really wanted to read to you guys. They have a dog or a pet that is well behaved. Which I thought was really good. And then somebody else went asked, obviously, what would make them see what would be a green flag that would maybe make them see relationship potential with them is they will go out for dinner with me which is a bit of a low bar right it's a low bar but but um we also had good communication and

hotness that's a green flag yeah i don't disagree. Fair enough. Amazing. I saw that I did actually have a little rummage around. I saw one in a comment that said from Callie, and I thought this was really sweet. She talked about supporting someone's goals and she said, supporting the other person's goals. My now husband flew across half the world, Minnesota to Grenada in the Caribbean, to help me with boat maintenance We had never met just matched on an app and bonded over both being solo sailors

He wasn't trying to change me or tell me I couldn't do it just supporting the dream. Oh And they're married now they're married now But I was very sweet it's it's very sweet in in the version works. In the version that works. I mean, it's a fast move. I'm just saying it's a sweet story. Like who doesn't want to tell that story of like my husband, the first time we met was when he came flew to me in the Caribbean. Maybe they long distance called for a long time before he came over.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would just say be careful if someone offers to come and help you with your boat. Don't go on a boat with strangers. Just the boat maintenance as a first date is you have to, you know, it could equally be a move by a love bomber.

It could. But they're married. They're married. So green flag. I think if anything, what we've highlighted is you just don't know. You don't know what someone offering to come and fix your boat means.

And therefore you shouldn't judge it. That's why you don't judge it too quick. Exactly. Exactly. Well, that's the moral of this story, isn't it? Therefore you shouldn't judge it. That's why you don't judge it too quick exactly Exactly Well, that's the moral of this story, isn't it? Shuffle my papers to signal the end of the episode. Did you write anything on those? Did I did I write anything? Yeah. Yep. I'll tell you I wrote Danny Sandhouse Rotate that to us

Rotate that to us. Well, hang on, let me just check that there's no like secret notes. Oh, well there is a secret note. You're just doing that. Why does it say Audrey talks too much on the... Look. Hey. I just get one... His words.

His words. Hang on. Let me just show you David. What are you doing? That Nissan house. Everything else on that page was secret. What are you doing? Danny Sandhouse. Everything else on that page was secret. Yes, there's a lot of secrets David that I don't tell you about. David the producer. So what I thought would be good, Audrey, I'm gonna do you the honors.

What do you think is as we come to a close on this episode, what do you think is a question that people would feel didn't get answered in this episode? And it doesn't have to be limited to one, it could be one or two. But like, you're a really good mind reader of people when they're listening to our content What do you think people would love to know that they feel we haven't? answered yet around this subject Hmm well two of them popped into my mind as we were talking so can I do two yeah Yeah, so the first one I think is,

how can you tell, when people are really curious about you, we talked about studying you, like kind of asking lots of questions, all of those things. How do you tell, how can you tell whether that's someone just being charismatic and kind of performing versus, how can you tell whether that's someone just being charismatic and kind of performing versus an actual green flag?

Because I think that's really common as well. Actually the most narcissistic people and the worst people in the world are also the ones who tend to give the best dates and the best experiences. So how do you kind of- How do you tell the difference between someone who gives you a great date and someone who is?

Yeah, he does all the right things, but they're doing it actually because they're kind of like trying to win you over and actually they're not good person Okay, and what would be the second question? The second one I think is what about if you're just not attracted to any of the green flag like qualities And you like all of the kind of bad boy qualities? I really love those two questions. Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to put those two questions in the show notes and here's what I want you to do. Open up askmh.com, A-S-K-M-H.com and go ask Matthew A.I. whichever of those two questions resonated with you the most.

If you're already a member of Matthew AI, then you know you have unlimited questions, so you can ask as many questions as you like. But if you've never used it before, you actually get a couple of free questions. So go ask one of those questions of Matthew AI right now Like I said you get a free question or two So if either of those questions speak to you go to ask MH comm and ask away Thank you so much everyone for listening to the episode. Thank you, Stephen. Thank you Audrey. Thank you producer David Yeah, yeah, you're welcome. You're welcome And we'll see you next time in Love Life. Bye guys. Bye!