Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 291: How to Flirt When You’re Not Confident

Episode Date: April 9, 2025

In this episode of the Love Life Podcast, Matthew, Audrey, Stephen, and producer David dive deep into one of the most common struggles in dating: flirting. So many people feel stuck when it comes to creating chemistry, worrying they'll come off as desperate, awkward, or get rejected. This episode breaks down how to define “flirting” rather than just talking, and gives some simple-but-powerful ways to do it in early attraction. 🎯 Topics include: Why people often lose their flirtatious spark when they like someone too much The 4 most common flirting fears (based on poll results) The difference between platonic, desire, and love language How to flirt without being overly sexual or awkward What “people-pleasing” energy looks like and how it kills seduction Practical examples of flirtatious compliments that actually work The secret ingredient: Tension, contrast, and slowing down Plus, we have our regular segment “Steve’s Sleeves” with a fun game of Love Life Crew vs Matthew AI!  💬 Feeling stuck knowing what to say? Download our free guide: 9Texts.com → 9 ready-to-use messages that spark interest, build attraction, and move things forward. 📅 Want live coaching, Q&As, and a supportive dating community? Join the Love Life Club: JoinLoveLife.com 📩 Have a question or want to send us your Matthew AI answers? Email: [e-mail]  

Welcome back, Stephen. Welcome back, Audrey. Hello, friends. Hi, everyone. We are talking today about flirting. It is something that a lot of people struggle with. We know that because we have polled our audience and the results are in. We know that so many people feel like there is either someone they like in particular that they would like to flirt with, but there's something getting in the way of them flirting with that person. We're going to talk about the results of that poll.

And sometimes it's not even just about one person. Sometimes it's just this feeling that I don't create enough opportunity in my love life because I'm not flirting with people. I'm not putting myself out there. I'm not creating the opportunities. So that is what we are going to talk about today. What's going on? Why aren't we creating these opportunities? How can we create more opportunities with people? And for anyone out there who feels like their dating life just never gets going. I think this is really going to help. Well that sounds lovely. And if you haven't already subscribed to the new YouTube channel for the podcast you can do so at Love Life Podcast

channel where you can watch the entire video episode as they come out, which I know a lot of people have been enjoying. So firstly, we are gonna be continuing these conversations inside the Love Life program. For those of you who are Love Life members, coming up on April the 4th, we have a live coach check-in with me. On April the 7th, we have a live coaching group Q&A with me where I'll be answering your

questions. Some of you will have a chance to be coached by me on the call itself. Stephen, you're running a gratitude session on April 9th, which I know our members really love. And you're doing a coach check in on the 14th. And then Stephen, you're doing a Q and A on the 23rd. Audrey, your Q and A is on the 25th. So for anyone who wants Audrey and Stephen's advice and you wanna be able to ask them questions, you can do so inside the Love Life program this month. So we put up a poll on Instagram asking people about their biggest flirting challenges. Audrey, what specifically did we ask everyone? Exactly that. What are your biggest flirting challenges? We gave them four

different options. First option was knowing how to flirt. The second option was I'm afraid of coming off desperate. The third option was lack of confidence in my sex appeal. And the fourth option is, I'm afraid they won't reciprocate. If you were to hazard a guess, which one would you say got the most votes? I think people, well, people are very afraid of negative consequences when they take a risk. So I'm gonna go with either desperation,

looking desperate or someone won't reciprocate. Steven? I would have said desperate or how to flirt. So you guys are very close. And this was actually a very close call on this poll. Very interesting answers. The one that got the most votes with 30% was, I'm afraid they won't reciprocate.

The one that second biggest vote was, I'm afraid of coming off desperate. And the third was knowing how to flirt. And then obviously the fourth was lack of confidence in my sex appeal with 18%. So yeah, most people were afraid that people wouldn't reciprocate or of coming off desperate. And a bunch of people, you know, don't know how to flirt.

It's really hard flirting, I think. I really relate to these answers. I think you don't wanna like put your best foot forward. It's a very vulnerable thing. And then you put your best foot forward and then somebody kind of like doesn't really reciprocate, doesn't acknowledge it or worse makes you feel stupid. And then you just think, that's it,

I have to move countries. Do you think we build it up too much though? Like we overthink what flirting is. Yeah I think there's too much of a binary. Like I don't think of it as you're flirting or you're not flirting. When you're flirting you're saying do you like me? I think of flirting is a temperature gauge more. It's kind of something you turn up. Like we used to talk about how like very charming people almost flirt with everyone in a way. You know what I mean? Even a charming guy who's heterosexual can kind of flirt with men. You know what I mean? In being like complimentary, showing interest, noticing something you're wearing. It kind of is an energy I think you tap into. So it's not really, and if you can get there mentally, internally, it's not like you're putting yourself up for

rejection. It's just what you do when you like someone. Why do you think people don't tap into that energy? Like why do you think they struggle to tap into that energy? Well, I think that we're taught the wrong lessons when we're younger and I don't know if you guys relate to this, but I certainly think that, you know, when I was younger, it was like very much all about being cool and letting people come to you and always looking like you had more options and you didn't care and you were just aloof

about everything. And so I think that sometimes that kind of lesson can be at odds with you even learning how to flirt and put yourself forward in that way. I think that a lot of women struggle with this idea of coming across desperate because we are really, really told that like, you know, we're always too much or, you know, if we come across a little bit too intense,

that's really off putting and you know, the whole idea of like women coming across as crazy and intense and desperate and stuff is really common. So I think that's a real big thing for people. And do you think it's felt like a woman can only do that? She needs a big green light to show he actually likes you, so it's okay to flirt now. Like it's too risky. Yeah, I think so. I just think that we're taught to hang back and let people come to us.

And I think that that can be counter to kind of even learning how to do it. And also I will say like, you know, sometimes you just, to your point, Stephen, like the stakes are so high because you're like kind of like getting all of that energy pent up until you meet that person or you see that person and you're like, now I have to flirt with them. Instead of, you know, as you say, like acknowledging that you can kind of get to a party or get to a gathering and just be really friendly and open and curious and connected and present with everybody

and funny and playful. And so when that person comes along and you start speaking to them, you're just sort of, it's a continuation of that energy. But I think people don't see it like that. They see it as like, there are people that I talk to and I'm friendly with, and there are people that I'm trying to flirt with. And then it's very results focused and it just becomes really, really intense. And the irony is that's why we can often end up in this friend zone with the very people that we want more with,

because the people we want more with tend to get a very different version of us than everybody else, especially if we're not, as you say, kind of connecting with that energy in ourselves in general. We're not going into a room and having this kind of carefree, playful energy that we carry from one conversation to the next. So then when we move on to talking to someone we like, it's a continuation of that. Instead, to talking to someone we like, it's a continuation of that. Instead, we, I think a lot of us hope

that we can be somewhat unsociable and introverted and shy in general. And then when we see the person we like, we're gonna suddenly find the reserves to like turn on in front of that person. And what ends up happening instead is that we overthink talking to that person. We build it up so much we play out a whole fantasy in our mind of how it might go and then when we do talk to them if we ever talk to them. It starts feeling very stunted it's this very strange version of ourselves.

We're no longer that playful person that makes our best friend laugh or doesn't take ourselves too seriously. We're asking really kind of like sort of dead questions that don't have any, there's no, they don't have any life to them whatsoever. There's no sense of like this spontaneous free flowing conversation. Everything feels highly premeditated. And so it just feels kind of stiff.

And then that person never sees the side of us that the people around us who want to be around us a lot see. Yeah, that's the thing. You, you probably have an energy with your friends that's already a lot of the energy of flirting. You're playful, you're less logical, you're able to laugh, be silly, you know, be charming. So you probably have an energy already in you, but it's almost, can you let it go

when you're with new people? Can you get into that space? I think people see flirting as also sexuality, right? Which I think is where it trips people up because you're not being sexual with your friends. And I think it'll be very interesting in this episode to really talk about what flirting actually looks like and what it actually is, because it's not necessarily coming up to someone and saying some witty, sexy remark and then, you know, winking at them.

I mean, that does not sound sexy at all, but you know what I mean? Like, that's not flirting. Flirting is all in the nuance and it's all in the tension you build. And it's almost a kind of the way that you're taking another person on a ride with your Charisma your chat the way that you're kind of interacting and interfacing with them

It can be done in so many different ways and it's just about almost Making somebody feel like they're kind of swept up in the conversation. Well, let's go more than it is. I think You know like direct sexual energy even if that can also be flirting. Let's go around the room and each say, like, what's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of what flirting looks like? This is how people felt in the poll. Stephen? I think it means showing a certain degree of interest in someone. I have this model where it's like interest plus challenge, flirting, which we've said

before. But I think of it as giving someone just a little bit more notice than usual. Like I might notice something about someone, even if like, um, I really like your dimples when you smile. Or even if I was just like, um, even if I would slow down with them and have a bit more eye contact, be a little more expressive, be a little more intrigued, like noticing something about their personality, be like, you seem like, you know, even if it was like they like spicy food or something, being like, oh, you like spicy food as well. That's cool. I'm into that. Like even just

showing I acknowledge something about you that that triggered something in me and I'm noticing it. Now for some people, they will hear the dimples one and they'll be like, oh my God, I couldn't say that to someone. Is that something you think can be said on a first date or is that a second date thing? Or is that a before you've even gotten a date

with someone thing? I think it's a lot cool. Cause a lot of people feel like, you know, they're so afraid of, I mean, we know from the poll, people are so afraid of saying something that feels too intense, getting rejected for it, looking silly, feeling embarrassed. What would you say to people who are feeling that way? Yeah, so I, the physical one, I would more come when you have, when you're like vibing on a date and it's going well, then you could like start, go to a visual one.

So that's like hour two of a date and it's going well, then you could like start, go to a visual one. So that's like hour two of a date. Right. It's going well, hour two, you're vibing, then you can go to a physical. You might start more with someone's style, again, a behaviour, even if it's a shared thing, like, oh, you did that as well. You're adventurous like that. Like, oh, I like that. Like, I like that about you. Or that's cool. I really like that. Me too. Or I'm really into that. Like it's, you know, even if you just go, oh, I'm so glad you're into that. I'm really loved that as well. Like, it's so cool to meet someone who is, you know, nerdy as well, who is whatever, adventurous. Or the old Paris Hilton phrase, that's hot. That's hot. Yeah. It's just adding that.

Wait, is that Paris Hilton? Yeah, that's her catchphrase. She'd be like, that's hot. That's hot. Yeah. It's just adding that. Wait, is that Paris Hilton? Yeah, that's her catchphrase. She'd be like, that's her. So thank you, Paris. But some people are confident enough to even just say like, I like that jacket, it's hot. Well, what I like about that is there's a difference between platonic language and desire language. And by the way, there's a difference between love language too, right? Platonic language and desire language. And by the way, there's a difference between love language too, right? Platonic language is the language of friendship. It's the language of our buddies.

Desire language is the language of sexual tension. And love language is the desire of intimate connection. And what you just said, if you say that Jack, that's a hot jacket, which by the way, can be said as a very throwaway comment. It doesn't need to be said as like a very intense comment. If you're like, that's a hot jacket. I like that jacket. That's desire language. You're draw your you if you know, if a family member said to you that they wouldn't say that's a hot jacket, they'd say that's such a nice jacket.

Right. But someone you're flirting with using the word hot immediately charges it. Yeah. Like if someone said, someone could say that jacket makes your shoulders look big. And if you're like, is that a good thing? And they'd be like, oh, definitely. Like, even if they said it like that, in that way, you're like, oh, they're like, they're not flirtatious.

Don't say that to a woman. Don't say that to a woman. Don't say it to a woman. That was a very gendered example. But yeah, that kind of thing about, Oh yeah, that's definitely a good thing. Like that kind of thing and saying it matter of factly, it doesn't have to be like, Oh, I'm turning on the movie version of flirting, which is a very, like cliche. I also like to remove, I don't want people to get the impression you always have to use desire language in everything you say as well.

I mean, we were, David talking about the example the other day of like, if you saw, if you were on a video call with someone or even if you saw on their dating profile that they had like a, you know, a princess Mononoke poster on their wall. And you realize from that, that they're into studio Ghibli films. These are these Japanese animated films that we love. You could literally send them a message on an app and be like, um, I spied that Mononoke poster on your wall, you know, well played, sir. Like that would be a flirtatious comment. Or do you want to know the reason, the main reason I swiped right? Why your princess

mononoke? That's good. That's like the sweet version of flirting. A lot of people are worried that they're going to come across too sexual if they try and flirt. What's nice about that is it's not sexual at all, right? But it does carry an energy with it. And I think that's the way we have to start thinking about flirting is that there's a certain energy to flirting. So I wanna keep going around. So-

I was gonna ask you, what do you think of when you think of flirting? I think one of the things I've noticed in people who struggle with flirting is that they are always one tempo. So they will typically the anti-flirting tempo is fast. If you think of seduction, seduction, the connotation with seduction tempo wise is slow. When you are beginning to go into seduction mode, as I'm not saying you in you towards

them, but when together in unison, you're moving towards this more seductive phase, things start to slow down a bit. Like slow R&B. Like slow R&B. Very seductive. Very seductive. Very seductive. Like Usher. Where is this music coming from?

This is a good flirting tip. If someone is telling you something on a date and you are finding it not just interesting, but really attractive, Maybe they're talking passionately about something that they care about. You see their eyes light up. Observe them as they're talking. Almost make it so that it's like you're listening to them, you are hearing them, but there's also a part of you that is clearly just observing them right now as an attractive human being. And when you do, rather than punctuating every point they make with, yeah, yeah, oh wow, oh okay,

interesting, which is like, I think of flirting like this kind of, I don't know, what's the right way to say it? It's like a water balloon that's like being filled up and it's growing. The tension is growing every time like someone's talking and you're like, Oh, that's interesting. Oh, wow. Oh, cool. It's like you're popping the balloon. Yeah. Every time you just keep saying something or like punctuating what they say with a

little remark, you're, you're, you're popping the balloon. And so it never actually builds up any tension. But if instead someone's telling you something and they start to notice you noticing them, you're not saying anything. You're looking at them and they can tell you're kind of also staring at them at the same time as listening to them and you start to slow down and you really make eye contact while they're speaking. That can be a real form of flirting, but that requires you to slow down and be more present.

When I've done, you know, TV show, I've done multiple TV shows in my life where they have put me in some back room with monitors around me watching someone on a date, whoever is the kind of contestant on the show, who's the subject of the show, they will be on a date or multiple dates, speed dating, and I will listen in with an earpiece to what they're doing. And it's amazing how many people go through entire dates where there's no flirtatious energy and only anxious energy. And if you say, if I were to say, what's the hallmark of that, I would say it's speed.

It's like everything is sped up. The conversation is sped up. The way they gesture, gesturing can be a really powerful thing, body language wise. But if you speed it up, it starts to just, gesturing just starts to register as anxious body language. The number of times they say yes, yeah, oh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, like even on, it's funny, even if you watch a podcast,

there are podcasts where the list, the person who's listening keeps making affirmative noises and even that can disrupt the flow. And that's not a flirtatious situation, but it's a good example. On a date, the same thing happens. Listen to how many times you make affirmative noises instead of just taking someone in. So what about nodding? Yeah nodding's fine but again like how quick do you do these things? Like are you like try slowing down your movements because when we're nervous there's a jitteriness to us and we not if you think of like, what's people pleasing energy? When someone says something,

as soon as you find a moment halfway through the sentence where you can agree with what they're saying, you start to nod quickly, right? That's people pleasing energy. It's the opposite of seduction. It's the opposite of flirtation. So we have to learn how to slow down. That, by the way, that doesn't mean that,

the reason I said tempo is important in flirtation is not because there's only one tempo that's good, you should be mixing it up. When you're passionate about something, you can get a little more animated and you can speed up a little bit. Cause sometimes the, like passion comes across in like, you know, wanting

to get something out and speaking faster. But are you then able to pause and slow down? And in that contrast between those tempos, there's a, an attraction that gets created. So that would be my initial like thought. What's yours. And then I want to hear David's as well. You know, it's so funny.

My three words, you've kind of, you've said two of them is, was tension, contrast, and it's not a word, but being in control. And I agree with everything you said about, to me, flirting is building tension. It's creating contrast, you're having a certain kind of energy one moment and then you almost kind of hit them with something that really surprises them and then you move on again.

So for example, you might be like, and actually I think I said this to you early on in us dating, this is kind of funny. I'm interested, I don't, I think I said this to you. on in us dating. This is kind of funny. I'm interested. I don't think I said this to you. Have you said this to me before? I think, I don't know, but I remember that you were having spicy food

and I love spicy food. And I said to you something along the lines of, I think people, I think it says a lot about someone when they like spicy food. Don't you agree? Stephen, this is validation for your spicy food comment. So you said- I said, I think it's really attractive

when people like spicy food. I think it says a lot about them, but that's quite sexual, I think. It's very sexual. It's kind of implying, but I said it. Was it date one? Was it when we went to the Italian? No, because we didn't have spicy food then.

We didn't have spicy food then. There's never spicy food in Italy. I don't know when it was, but I remember we were talking about it. Maybe we were just talking spicy food. We didn't have spicy food. There's never spicy food in Italy. I don't know when it was, but I remember we were talking about it. Maybe we were just talking about food. I don't know. But I remember that. But then I would have just then moved

onto a different conversation. I wouldn't have lingered there. Wouldn't have put you in a situation where you're like then uncomfortably trying to work out what to respond to it. Instead, you move on from it. And as quickly as you dropped it there, it's gone. And I think that's sort of attractive because people are like, Oh, I was, I

haven't even thought of a response yet. And they kind of feel it disarms them a little bit. Um, and it doesn't put that pressure on them. And then the in control piece, I think is really important, which is the best thing, the best flirting advice that I can give, I think, is when you're flirting, just think about it as I'm doing it for myself. I'm not doing it for a result. I'm doing it to try and push some buttons,

get some responses, try and see if I can create a bit of energy, but I'm not doing it for them. I'm not doing it to get some kind of response from them or to make them like me or whatever. I'm just doing it because I'm having fun with it and that kind of almost slightly cocky confident sure of yourself energy is really useful in flirting because when I make that comment about spicy food I don't want anything from you I'm just letting you know that that's what I think and that I'm a sexual person and that I think, you know, whatever.

And it's kind of like, it's not for you, that comment. It's for me. And if you want to know more about it, you have to basically step in and play the game with me. And I think there's something to that. So yeah, tension, contrast and being in control. And we mean no offense to anyone listening who doesn't enjoy spicy food. We might be a demon in the sack. Yeah. We love cheesy pasta. I love cheesy pasta too. So, you know, yeah, nothing wrong with beige food.

No. So, you know, we mean not to say that you are not a sexual being. If you don't like spicy, you can still be spicy and not like spicy. That's true. Now, David, the producer, do you have a, did something come to mind for you when you think of- Is producer David? You can switch it around.

They're interchangeable. Well, I appreciate you throwing to me when I have obviously the most seductive background behind me, the storage cupboard and this sheet which covers an H-factor. Yeah, it says sort of flirtatious Dexter. Yeah, I have the biggest advantage here. Well, we were talking

about this yesterday in one of our creative meetings. And yeah, I think in thinking about it more, I think pattern recognition was the thing that I think kind of rendered it in my head The best was in terms of at least how I flirt

Which is you know, it's keeping multiple balls in the air where you know You're kind of staying keyed into the history of your conversation with someone and this can happen with someone that you haven't you know You've only spoken a couple words to and in that case, it's about kind of finding those moments that are the best. What would be like, is there an example that comes to mind for that for people to like think about what, what would that look like? Actually, you actually told it the best yesterday. Which I don't know if you, I think you should tell it.

What was it? So you were on a, you told me that you were at a dinner with someone, and let's say that this someone was someone that you respect a lot for their comedic timing. Maybe this is a moment similar to dating where it's like somebody that you would love to impress if you could, and you had ordered a kind of fruity drink And it came to the table and was a Japanese plum

Yeah, there was a there was a one of the ingredients in the drink was was Japanese plum. Yeah Yeah, Japanese plum and so you turned to this person that you you know would hope to impress and you said Japanese plum And they picked up that ball and said because Because I was saying, I was saying like, the drink that just came, the reason it's purple is like, I almost like, actually what was funny about that moment is I said it as a like slightly off the wall thing to say, because I knew when I said it, I was saying something completely out of context, but I kind of looked at my drink, I looked at this cocktail and then looked at him and I was it, I was saying something completely out of context, but I kind of looked at my drink.

I looked at this cocktail and then looked at him and I was like, Japanese plum. Japanese plum. Yeah. And he kind of ran with that, right? Yeah, he almost like paused for a moment and I went, oh, I mean the drink, it's got Japanese plum in it. And he looked at me and he said,

oh, I thought that you were, that was some kind of expression. Like you were just nodding to me and in a gentlemanly way saying Japanese plum. And he started joking that he was gonna go around the room and say to people, you know, Japanese plum, like to people he had just met. And it became this, this kind of little thing, this little joke between us. Anytime we saw each other then, because we were at the time we were on a trip with these

people. Anytime we saw each other, like the next day, the day after that, we would like catch each other in the morning and look at each other and take a beat and go, a Japanese plum. And I think that that's like such a perfect example for this. It can come not just from something like, you know, you chose that moment to say something kind of off the wall, but it can come from moments that you didn't plan to be off the wall. It can come from anywhere, where if you just, if you pick up a moment that there was a connection with and you find a way to make it continue

through your conversation and you leave it, even on the second date, you can have it come back. And you can punch so much higher above your weight With like how you come across if you just do that if you just keep multiple balls in the air people are Just I think that they really love having conversation with you and and that can be a really powerful thing when you're trying to flirt. It's like conspiratorial. It's a fun shared little world. Exactly.

A shared world. A Japanese plum. But you have to be present and you have to be tuned in and you have to look for those. You know, David, I know you've done a bunch of, you know, improv training and it's like, you're more aware than I am of just the need to notice those little hooks along the way that you can pick up on.

Ben Zehngut And you already mentioned it, but yeah, being what you said earlier about not, you know, kind of confirming to people and being obsessed with, oh, I'm listening, I'm listening, or I'm latching on and finding moments to agree. Actually, that can distract you from the ability to find these really important moments that are a lot of opportunity to make somebody really feel like it's exciting to talk with you.

["Dreams of a New World"] We had some really lovely feedback to an episode, episode 289 on how to overcome your biggest dating insecurities and this was an episode where we were actually talking to someone, Mary, about her fear that because she had not had a relationship and because she had not dated, this would somehow present as a real problem for her in trying to find love. That she was embarrassed or she felt shame around the idea that she had never dated when she was going out there and meeting someone. We had some interesting feedback.

Mary actually emailed in to podcast at Matthewhussy.com. Well, Mary, thank you so much. You sent us an email. You said, Matthew, Audrey and Stephen, thank you so much for answering my question on your most recent podcast. I joined the Love Life Club in January and it's by far the best decision I have made this year. I truly appreciate the time and care you put into answering my question and the practical examples and advice you shared. The three of you have given me so much more confidence and I am better able to see this in a more positive light. The Love Life has provided me with an amazing online community and I've seen so much growth in such a short amount of time and I'm excited to

see where the journey leads. I will be at the retreat in October. So we're going to meet you, Mary. So I will see you all in Miami. Thank you again for all the work you're doing for answering my question. Oh, Mary, thank you. That's so lovely, Mary. And it's so good to see you every month inside Love Life. I'm so happy you're with us.

It's amazing. And so happy you were listening when we answered your question. And anyone who wants to come to the retreat, where do they go? Mhretreat.com for your tickets to join us in Miami for the weekend retreat and meet Mary for yourself. Yeah, we also had people respond to Mary, didn't we?

We did, we had a really lovely one on YouTube actually by a great username, PinkyBadoodles. Oh wow, that's one of yours. It sounds like one of yours. It does sound like one of mine. This isn't me. PinkyBadoodles, this is in response to Mary. She says, hi Mary, I was in a similar situation to you.

In my culture, we have an acronym, NBSB, which means no boyfriend since birth. I was 38 when I had my first boyfriend after finally following Matt's advice that I need to actively date if I want a relationship. I was also insecure about not having any experience when it comes to dating, but when you meet your right person, that wouldn't matter.

My now boyfriend never made me feel that my lack of experience when it comes to romantic relationships is an issue. You will find your person and he will be kind and will make your insecurities immaterial. If a person you're dating does otherwise, he is not your person. That's great. We had something that echoed that sentiment from heaven shell 83.

I think this was, was this on, was this on YouTube or Instagram? YouTube. YouTube. YouTube. She quoted us saying, you are just one month and one great person away from everyone else. She said, so true, I needed to hear this so much. And this was that sentiment that if you think you're behind,

you're one month of experience away from being in the same place, that, you know, having more experience, having a story to tell, you know, having more experience, having a story to tell, you know, having intimacy. Uh, so it's that, that idea that you're not nearly as far away as you think. Josie five, five nine, nine, um, commented and said, I too have never been in a proper relationship before. I remember one guy I went on a date with upon hearing this had a positive

perspective saying, well, I guess that means maybe you don't have as much emotional baggage not sure how universal that is but I think it's true for me and it was nice to hear and not something that had occurred to me by myself lovely so so nice well thank you for the comments and thank you for those of you who wrote in. If you do want to write into us in response to this episode, podcast at matthewhussy.com is the email address. Well, we have arrived at my favorite time of the episode. Love life line. We every week, as you guys know, who listen, we ask them to send voice notes around a specific subjects.

And this week we have the lovely Lavinia who do you guys remember when we met Lavinia Harry, your brother's ramen? Yeah. Um, Lavinia came to the retreat as well, but it was so lovely. I might have to explain Harry's Ramen pop-up. Basically our youngest brother, me and Stephen's youngest brother, Harry, is an extraordinary cook.

And he's the kind of person that can just do anything. And he decided one day, I'm gonna do a, like basically they have people they knew in London who own a legit restaurant. And upon hearing that Harry makes a really good ramen, they were like, well, if you want to come and do a ramen pop-up for a day in our restaurant, you can come and do that and basically run a ramen restaurant for a day cooking for many people coming through the door. And that's exactly what Harry and his now wife Emma did.

He just took over a restaurant. Who does that? And anyway, Lavinia, she came along, didn't she? She did, yeah. And then we met her at the retreat afterwards. But Lavinia sent in a voice note, which we're about to play right now. Hi all. I often don't realise I am unintentionally flirting with men until a friend I am with points it out to me. I talk to everyone. I am friendly and outgoing but when I try to flirt on purpose I get embarrassed and awkward. How can I find a balance between being natural and being intentional with flirting?

That's a really good question. Thank you, Lavinia. Thank you. Look, I think that in a way the benefit is that you are, your friends are telling you when you're being flirtatious and that's a good thing. The fact that you know how to be flirtatious and probably it happens in times where you're far less... You know, you're not giving yourself this goal or this stated aim of now and now I'm trying to actually seduce someone. Right? When you're not doing that, there's a far more natural energy that comes out that allows you to just be playful. Notice what happens when you've got that more natural energy. Oh, I'm more playful.

Oh, I maybe I'm a bit more tactile with people. Maybe I will have a little teasing moment. You know, maybe I'll ask them questions. I'm genuine with things I'm really interested in about them or what they just said. Maybe I use their name more, which is by the way, using people's name is a flirtatious act. Just want to put that out there.

If you, if you are not using people's names, you're missing an opportunity to flirt. Just saying someone's name is a flirtatious thing. People love hearing their name. They love it. There's a, I will always remember the phrase used in a Dal Carnegie book. I think it was how to win friends and influence people. He said, I think it's the line goes, a name is to that person, the sweetest sound in any

language on earth. Yep. So using someone's name, very powerful, but notice what you do in those moments and then realize that it's not for you about learning how to flirt. It's about removing the impediments to flirting when you need to. And ask yourself, what are those impediments? What are the obstacles? Ah, I decide someone is good looking and then my brain races to, you know, oh and therefore I would love to, they're exactly the kind of person I would like to date, maybe there's a charisma or charm or an energy about them.

And maybe the next thought is, and therefore maybe they're better than me and so you put them on a pedestal and so now you're not just flirting with them you're like looking up at them and you know seeing them as someone above you and that puts you in this this kind of lesser role so okay what do I need to do? I need to first stop seeing this person as being above me. I need to say okay fine they're a good-looking person or there's something about them or whatever but my person, like the person who's right for me is gonna be someone I have a genuine connection with. It's not just the criteria can't be that I want a good connection with. It's not just, the criteria can't be

that I want a good looking, charming, charismatic person or I want someone who is attractive. It has to be, I want the person who years from now, when we are laying in bed together on a Sunday morning, there's a natural energy where we make each other laugh morning, there's a natural energy where we make each other laugh and where it's fun and playful and sweet. And so really what I'm doing is I'm testing for that energy. And when you say that, when you say I'm not trying to impress by flirting, I'm trying to test for the right energy when I'm flirting. All of a sudden you'll discard the things

that make that person seem special. And instead go, I have to find out if our connection is special. And I can only do that by bringing the kind of energy I bring around people I'm comfortable and seeing if the exchange of energy between me and this person is comfortable. And by seeing that, I will have a, you know, then it's just about, are they that person or not?

It's not about, am I good enough or not? And a more natural energy will start to come out. Yeah, so it's not, do they like, it's does our energy match. Yeah. I also want to say Lavinia, because it's so what you've just articulated so beautifully is incredibly common. I think, I mean, I definitely have been in that situation. I'm sure most people in this room, and people listening as well feel the same way. And so much of it is born out of this fear of rejection that we all have to varying degrees. And I just wanna kind of talk about that for a second

because I really feel like our fear of rejection and our fear of, you know, a lack of reciprocation from the other person stops us from actually being able to take chances when it comes to our love lives. And it's really important for us to reframe it as, if you're gonna go out there and date and date multiple people and meet different people and put yourself out there and take risks,

you're gonna get rejected. I've been rejected, you've been rejected, you've been rejected. Everybody at some point has been rejected, you've been rejected, you've been rejected, everybody at some point has been rejected, multiple times I would argue. I've been rejected multiple times and it's not a nice feeling, it's horrible, but we have to become less scared of it

because what's the alternative? The alternative is that you never even put yourself out there to begin with and you never even create opportunities. And also the last thing I'll say on it is, remember we always think when somebody's rejected me, it's because of this terrible thing that I hate about myself that I know makes me inherently unlovable.

Like, they obviously rejected me because, you know, of the fact that I am really annoying and just because we're really insecure about the fact that maybe we're really annoying or that I'm not attractive enough or that I'm, you know or that I'm bigger than most people or whatever it might be. And we instantly let that insecurity attach

onto our own insecurity and we use that as our reasoning. There are so many reasons why people aren't interested. You have no idea, especially if you don't know the person, you have no idea what's going on in their lives. You don't know what their type is. You don't know who they're into right now. You don't know the person, you have no idea what's going on in their lives. You don't know what their type is. You don't know who they're into right now. You don't know who they're messaging.

They could have had an argument with someone they care about, whatever. Like so many things are going on. And I just think we make it so damn personal every single time, but we really have to stop doing that because that's really gonna stop us from actually putting ourselves out there and taking chances.

And it's really going to stop us from actually putting ourselves out there and taking chances. And it's really important to do. Yeah, I totally agree. And really, really see it like you're throwing out a little hook and seeing if that person responds to it. And the right person will respond to it. So instead of thinking like I'm afraid of being rejected, think about it as a little moment of like going out on a limb, a little moment of like making a small move, a millimetre move, not a big move. My line on it is flirting is just the extra 10%. Yeah. And sometimes it could be the extra 1% like it's the it's a tiny little thing that you do to see Did they did they respond to that you can make it low risk as well? Yeah, like it doesn't need to be like you're looking really hot tonight

Doesn't need to be like that. It could be something subtle floating can be Something really oblique, really indirect. I always remember hearing Tony Robbins in an interview that I guarantee no one will have seen. And he was talking about how he came to realize he liked his wife, Paige, as more than a friend, because they were friends. And then at one point he said, I think they were on a train together.

And she said, she made a comment to him, like, you know, I know she said something like, I know you never do that with your perfect, you know, with, you know, like that's too something for you with your perfect hair and your perfect, you know, demeanor and you're like, she said something that like didn't, it wasn't teasing him in a mean way. It was in fact kind of teasing him. And complimenting him. It was exactly.

It was like teasing him about something that actually could be perceived as a compliment but also in the process like giving him a little like elbow in the in the ribs going like this is probably you know I know you would never do anything like that with your perfect hair and your perfect this and your perfect that and perfect hair and your perfect this and your perfect that and he described the feeling he got when she said that of like, like come here, like you know he realized like oh like there's something else here but and we can all point to moments like that where we have someone who's been a friend or we haven't seen in that light, but because the energy switches a little bit,

it's not like they look at us and say, you look really attractive, but there's something about the energy that switches a little bit. And all of a sudden we get to see them in a new light. To me, one of the things this conversation shows is that when we're trying to flirt more or figure out how we can create more attraction

with someone, it's not always easy to pinpoint exactly what that looks like. And a lot of people are very bad at telling us. They just don't know. They'll tell us, you need to flirt more, you need to have more fun, you need to build more tension, but they don't give us the specific ways of doing it.

And for me, after years of doing this, what I know is it's like a language. It's like learning a language. And sometimes we're not speaking that language. We're not speaking the language of attraction that makes someone feel like they can't afford not to see us again. And that might be because we're afraid. It might be because we don't want to get rejected.

It might be because we were married for 15 years or 20 years and now we find ourselves single again and we're just not on that wavelength of creating attraction. Either way if you want to learn what that language looks like we have a free guide called the nine texts where we've put together nine specific messages that you can use immediately they're done for you to build tension, create attraction and flirt and you'll actually see what that language looks like. So you can download this is free at nine texts dot com. You can use the number nine texts dot com. You can use these

either exactly as they are or you can make them your own but what's great about these is you can actually use them to create more attraction with the people you're dating and this can help with things not fizzling out, not fading and actually turning into something more real. Ninetexts.com is that link. Download that now and it wouldn't be an episode of the show if we didn't include Stephen's feature which we have decided to call Steve's Sleeves which is short for What's Up Steve's Sleeves? Yeah. Which is short for I wonder what's up Steve's

Sleeves in this episode. Steve Sleeves! But Steve Sleeves has a really nice ring to it and I just want to say producer David gets all the credit for this one because we went around the room and say what does Steve's special mystery feature get called and I think there were a few names. Steven's box. I mean my idea didn't get chosen because I didn't choose Steve Sleeves. Well, what was your idea? I think it was Stephen's magical bag or something. It's so obvious why that lost.

It's all about Steve Sleeves. I think this probably makes acolyte of healthy passion look a little better. That was one of David's prior episodes, which I'm going to be honest, made me question whether producer David should be producer David. But he has, with Steve Sleeves, completely redeemed himself and then some. David's great redemption. Has he? So anyway, the reason it's called Steve Sleeves is because we just never know

what's really going to happen here, me and Audrey. David does, I don't. We should come up with a little jingle for Steve Sleeves. David, have we got something? Steve Sleeves. Good. Love it. That's very nice. Okay, so we're going to go head to head with the machines. We are doing the Love Life Pod versus Matthew AI today. So we have an AI that people will know, a lot of people use it and love it. We wanted to poke it a bit and we wanted to

test it. So what we've done is in the name of flirting and first dates, we have asked it some key, quirky flirting questions and we want to see the Love Life Pods answers versus Matthew Ai's answers. Okay. Okay. Okay. Is Matthew Ai going to be better than us? Who goes first? I go first.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.