Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 293: You Know They’re Wrong for You… So Why Can’t You Let Them Go?

Episode Date: April 23, 2025

Are you stuck in a cycle of tolerating disrespect or avoiding tough conversations?  In this episode of Love Life, Matthew, Audrey, and Stephen dive into why so many of us stay in challenging relationships—whether romantic, familial, or platonic—for far too long, and how to reclaim your power by setting boundaries and addressing the issues. You’ll learn how to stop obsessing over someone else’s actions and start focusing on why you’re allowing it, plus practical tools for having those difficult conversations you’ve been avoiding.  🎯 Topics include: Why we ignore our needs in the early stages of relationships. How to have tough conversations about what matters to you. The power of teaching others how to treat you—and when to walk away. Why people-pleasing tendencies can leave you feeling invisible in your own relationships. How to break free from unhealthy dynamics and create space for mutual respect. If you’ve ever struggled to stand up for yourself or felt stuck in a one-sided dynamic, this episode will give you the clarity and confidence to take action. — 👉 Try Matthew AI for just $7 (only until April 25th): AskMH.com   

Welcome back to Love Life. Today's episode is all about why we stay in painful and difficult relationships or dynamics either in our romantic life or in our familial friendship life for too long and what we can do about it if we want to get ourselves out of these situations or if we want to remain in these situations and teach people how to treat us better. We also are going to be talking about how to have tough conversations gracefully and effectively. We have a couple of love life line questions coming up from our dear listeners and a new segment of Steve's Sleeves. We're going to find out what's up Steven Sleeves. Steven likes the name now.

I've come around. I've come around. I think the listeners gave some nice feedback and they they now just keep saying the word Steve Sleeves. So it's like a thing. So I'm just like, okay, I think they've caught on to it. Because it was catchy from the beginning, Steve. This is what you never understood about Steve Sleeves. No, no, clearly. But he understands it now. Yeah, now he understands it. The idea was ahead of where I was.

I had to catch up to it. It was ahead of Steve's time. So we also have some amazing stuff coming up this month for all of our Love Life members. Of course, Stephen, you just released a new course on the 15th. Can you give us one line on what that's about? It's on flirting and communication in early attraction and how to get it in the early dating stage. That has just come out inside the Love Life app. On May 2nd, we have a coach check-in with Audrey.

I will be doing a full coaching session on May 9th with everybody answering questions, bringing people on live, interacting with our wonderful Love Life community. Stephen, your coaching group session is on the 16th, and then yours, Audrey, is on the 28th of May. So we have a very packed month inside of Love Life. And we also of course have the Heartbreak Recovery Program for anyone who's going through heartbreak

that is now inside Love Life. You can join Love Life by going to joinlovelife.com and become one of our members. Now let me ask you a question, Steven. I have a bunch of items here and you have to tell me what they have in common. Okay. The first is a mini Zen desk garden with a little sandpit and a miniature rake. A venti iced brown sugar oat milk shaken espresso from Starbucks.

Okay. A pair of socks with pizza slices on them or a candle that smells like fresh linen on a spring day. Well that just sounds like my weekly grocery list. That's what you've been spending your money on. I am an impulse shopper I do not do well in big stores. I've been wondering why you're broke. And my fridge is empty. Yeah but you are wearing lovely socks. Well let me tell you what all of these items have in common. Go on. Every single one of them, useless as they may be, is $7. Okay. Do you know what else is $7 right now? I don't know. You're not going to believe

this Steve. Go on. Matthew AI. Until Friday, the 25th of this month, Matthew.ai can be obtained 24-7, unlimited for just $7. Is that the relationship coach that is in your pocket at all times or will answer any question? The very same wingman, yes. So basically you can have unlimited coaching for your love life, for any dating question, for any relationship question, for anything you're going through right now whether it's heartbreak, anxiety at the beginning of dating, not knowing what to text back, trying to have a hard conversation but needing it scripted for you, Matthew AI can do all of the above and much much more and right now for a very limited

time until Friday the 25th you can get it for $7 for your entire first month and you can try it for free yeah you can literally go there try it out at askmh.com go try it out ask a couple of questions for free see what it can do for you and I promise you you will think this is madness that I don't have this for $7 for the entire month. I mean for the cost of a mini Zen garden for your desk, you can have my advice for your love life for an entire month. And once people have Matthew.ai, they don't want to give it up. They keep using it month on month because it's just that powerful as a tool to have in their

pocket at all times. So go grab it while it's available now. Askmh.com is the link. Try it out for free and then grab it for a whole month for $7. Well, I'm going to add it to my grocery list. At some point I should buy milk though. It's not a bowl of cereal, Stephen. Ha ha ha. ["Sweet Home Alone"] All right, so let's talk about the what I see as one of the biggest things that we get asked about all the time, which is bad behaviors. And people, what's really common is people get curious about why is this bad behavior happening and why does this person keep doing this and they tell the story over and over but what's always underneath that

question that's on the tip of my tongue is okay you're obsessed with why they're doing these things I'm obsessed with why you're allowing these things to happen and I say that with no judgment because I in my own life have had situations that have gone on for years where I have been in the position of constantly asking why someone is doing something but not spending nearly enough time going why do I allow this? What is going on with me that this behavior is persisting and I am choosing to complain about it and not do something about it. So I want to talk about the ways we justify bad behaviours and

the kinds of behaviours we do justify and why we justify them for so long so that we can then talk about what to do about it. Now, Stephen, take us through this poll that we put out on Instagram. Yes, so we asked our audience, what is a behaviour that you let people get away with, but wish you didn't? And the results were interesting. So with 36%, the top answer was they don't respect what's important to you. The second answer with 29% was they always talk about themselves. Next answer, third with 26% was they waste your time. They're always late or

they cancel often. And finally at the bottom with 9% was they downplay your achievements. So the top answer was people not respecting what's important to you and slightly below that people always talking about themselves. So let's talk about those first because okay Audrey I'm curious your thoughts on this they don't respect what's important to you that was the highest one at 36 percent. If you were to guess what are some of the context you think people mean when they say that? Hmm, I suppose it's probably that feeling of when you're in a relationship with somebody

and you feel like they're dictating the terms of everything that you do and you're always sort of, you're always going to them, you're always sort of, I don't know whether that's like going to their side of town, hanging out with their friends, doing the things they like, participating in activities that they're interested in, and there's no real interest and sort of spark of conversation around the things that you maybe want to do

and are interested in. And oftentimes I think what happens is when somebody doesn't make us feel like they are interested in. And oftentimes I think what happens is when somebody doesn't make us feel like they are interested in us in that way, we don't feel, especially if we have more of a pleasing tendency, which is a lot of people out there, we don't feel necessarily like we can kind of assert what it is that we want to do and then we end up feeling like what we want and what we care about just doesn't matter. Yeah and it's easy to fall into this vicious cycle of not asking for attention on the things that are important to us because we want to

please somebody else and we want to make them happy and we want to be what we think we need to be in order to hold on to them. And so we show a lot of interest in the things that matter to them and go out of our way for the things that matter to them. And for a lot of people, they never really point out how they feel in the beginning, that what's important to me never really gets any air time. And you don't show any interest. People don't tend to point those things out, especially when they're in pleaser mode or when they're feeling insecure about whether they're going to hold on to somebody or whether they're good enough for somebody.

It's very natural to go to a place of just making what's important to them important to you, because it feels like a survival strategy in early relationships. And then that gets carried over into the relationship itself and it then becomes very hard to get out of those patterns. To suddenly go from, I've made everything that is important to you, everything that matters to you, the headline in my life. And all the while, I feel like there's a part of me

that is withering and malnourished because it never gets any time. I don't even feel like I am fully myself in this relationship because I don't give appropriate time to the things that are important to me. But it now feels like a huge thing for me to come to you and say, I'm not happy in these ways because it's like a huge thing for me to come to you and say, I'm not happy in these ways.

Because it is like a complete about turn from the way that we've been for quite a long time with this person. And then they act shocked, like, where's all this coming from? And that completely validates our fears that by bringing this up, we're going to rock the boat in ways that threaten the relationship. So it's, I think a huge amount of why people don't respect what's important to us is that we kind of minimize the things that are important to us in the stages where we're just trying

to get the relationship to survive. And I think part of that, by the way, comes from our fear of not finding anyone, our fear of it never goes well for me, I can't seem to hold on to anyone, or no one ever seems to want a relationship. So when we find someone we like and it's going well, it is really easy to go,

the most important thing right now is not what's most important to me, The most important thing right now is not what's most important to me. The most important thing is that I get this relationship to work. And if me being all in on the things that are important to them is a way to get this relationship to work, that's the priority right now. And you might have that, yeah, the euphoria drug of it working and oh my god, they're attracted to me and it's going well, supersedes. You don't realise maybe your needs aren't really being met or it's one sided. And also I just think...

Wait, just, okay, before you move on from that, I just want to highlight what you just said because that's really important. Say that again. I said, well, at the beginning your euphoria, the drug of like, oh my god, I'm getting attraction from this person and it's working. You don't realize in that moment, your needs might be being ignored or it's one-sided. Okay, that is a profoundly important and insightful point.

Do you know the experiment that was done on rats where they had access, I think it was to cocaine or was it heroin? I don't think it really matters. It depends on the experience. But there was one where they starved to death where they had access to a drug constantly that gave them dopamine. And they went back to it so many times to get that hit,

that they were no longer focused on their core fundamental needs, in their case of actually eating. Dating can be that powerful of a drug that we don't realize in the beginning our core needs aren't being met, because the euphoria, the high, the oxytocin, the dopamine of feeling close to someone and

you know getting that reward of like oh my god I'm attracted and it's there's chemistry and it feels like there's progression and all of that, it overrides everything. And it is a wonderful explanation of how so many of us get into a relationship and get really deep in, go really far down the road before realising that like the rats in that experiment, we're not actually getting our fundamental needs met. Yeah. And don't you find as well, if you're a people pleaser, it's uncomfortable. You're

almost not comfortable being served by someone else in a relationship or getting your needs met. It feels like, oh, I'm taking or I feel bad. I feel bad. I'm asking or I feel bad that I want them to do something nice on my birthday even you might feel oh I don't want to put you out. Can you talk about that Audrey that concept of shame around your needs because I've heard you mention that before and I always find that to be just incredibly important for people to hear it put like that. Yeah I mean it's what Stephen's saying really. It's just, it's, I think a lot of us have a lot of shame around our needs.

I think we derive our value from almost being at the service of other people's needs. And, you know, we feel like if we want something, there's something kind of indulgent about that and shameful about that and unattractive and it's gonna push people away. And a lot of this type of kind of thinking comes from just a very deep fear of being rejected, right?

And not being wanted. And in a way having needs is vulnerable because you're showing parts of yourself. You're actually being an authentic version of yourself when you're demanding something and asking for something versus, you know, I'm not gonna ask anything from you and I'm gonna be very measured and controlled about what I bring to you, which is, you know,

more inauthentic. But I think a lot of us, I think Stephen's point is great, it's so true, aic. But I think a lot of us, I think Stephen's point is great, it's so true, a lot of us just have a lot of shame around our needs. It's almost like as a test, if your partner was like, I've planned a special, it's gonna be all about you today, and we're gonna just do whatever you want, and it's all about you, could you feel comfortable

accepting that as a treat? Or would you be like, oh, I don't wanna say what I wanna do. And it's like, could you actually accept that as a gift? Yeah, it's just vulnerable, right? Yeah, and it just feels like, oh, it feels wrong. It feels, I feel bad.

The thing that I always try and keep in mind in conversations like this, like any kind of challenging conversation, because I truly believe our lives improve in direct proportion to our willingness to have challenging conversations. And of course they can be on the most minor level of having to call up a restaurant,

or they could be on the most major level of having a really challenging conversation with your partner or a parent. The word I always have in my mind is intention. Intention, intention, intention. Because if ultimately your intentions are pure, are pure, you, in a way you have nothing to fear. Of course there's always the fear of adverse consequences of having a difficult conversation. You know, okay, on a minor level the adverse consequence of calling up a restaurant and saying that is that you might have some unwelcome friction with someone on the phone and it might feel a bit awkward, you might feel a bit embarrassed, it might leave you with a bit of a funny feeling afterwards. But in other circumstances when

it comes to a partner, especially a difficult or abusive partner or a parent who just will not listen and will gaslight you over the things that you wanna bring up or then sometimes there are much more severe consequences that we have to keep in mind. And I do wanna temper what I'm saying here with the fact that this, and I know we'll come onto this with one of our listener questions today,

the answer is not always tackling a difficult conversation head on as much as it would. It sounds nice in theory to be like, have every hard conversation head on in reality. That's not always the best tactic in dealing with situations. But what I've seen you do with friends and people in your life is I have seen you sometimes just bring up like someone's making passive aggressive comments But what I've seen you do with friends and people in your life is I have seen you sometimes just bring up like someone's making passive aggressive comments or someone seems to have an issue with you or someone is

frequently doing something that disrespects your needs and You are able again in a way that I find very challenging because mine is more like like withdraw, mine is more like I'm going to put them in a time out and see them less, you know, but I've seen you actually confront those moments and I'm curious, yeah, you say intent, like is that how you get yourself psyched up to like, I'm going to do this uncomfortable thing? Yeah, firstly, I'm really flattered that you see me this way. I did. I never knew before this moment that you saw me this way. And I'm really flattered.

It just highlights the difference between how we feel about ourselves and perception of us from the outside, because I, to this day, still feel like I don't have enough of these conversations. And I, you know, I find them challenging and I'd hate confrontation. I do not enjoy confrontation. I think that's part of the reason that I have them. It's because I think that the best way for me to avoid confrontation is to have more of them, but in a better way and sooner. So there's nothing, in a way that takes away my fear,

because I'm not like, I'm gonna go and tell this person like what I think. Instead, I'm actually sharing from a place of kindness and compassion, but also demonstrating a standard. So let's imagine that there's a relationship that means a great deal to you, where you're really struggling with something that's going on in that relationship. And let's imagine that you're dealing with a good faith actor,

not someone who is genuinely abusive, gaslights, manipulates, will say anything to win the argument. Let's say you're dealing with a good faith actor and there is a fundamental kind of bedrock of love in this relationship. Because you can have someone who is selfish and doesn't consider you, but isn't necessarily,

you know, a narcissist or a bad person. They're just selfish and self-absorbed and they're not considering you and they need to be educated on how to consider you and make you happy and when you do that you're not sharing it because they're so selfish and I can't wait to tell them how selfish they are you're doing it with from a pure place there's a pure intention there what's the intention at the end of the day and you really have to think about this in every difficult conversation in your life. What is the intention? What is the outcome

I'm looking for? And it could be in that outcome, in that relationship, the outcome is one of two things. Like I, my number one outcome is for us to be closer. I want us to be closer and there's something getting in the way of us being close right now. And in this case, it's their selfishness. Okay, you don't have to frame it like that. But that's what's going on. You can find other ways to frame it. But that's what's getting in the way. But the purest intention, the number one intention is for us to be closer. The deep, the position that you fall back to if being closer isn't possible because they can't change that behavior, or they don't have the self-awareness to even admit that they have that behavior,

is you need to protect yourself. Because no matter what, whether we're close or not, I have to take care of myself. And me being close to you with this behavior not changing doesn't allow me to take care of myself. So that's your fallback position is, okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna extricate myself from this relationship or not be as close if I have to. When you

know those are your intentions and it comes from nothing but love for this person and it will be with great sadness if you do have to distance yourself then in that conversation you have nothing to hide with someone. There's no smoke and mirrors. There's just love. But the ultimate act of love, if you need to do it, is to start to pull away from this person. And what do you say to someone who goes, yeah, that's great, but I'm afraid that if I have these conversations, I will,

like in the case of a relationship, somebody might say, you know, what if I have that conversation and then I lose them? What if I push them away? What if they start giving me less? Or they take it personally and it ends up in an argument and then I end up feeling guilty and then it ruins my day and it ruins my week and it ruins my life. Look I think that there's a in a way there's two different things to talk about there. First the stranger who you have that moment with and they happen to be the kind of person that has zero consciousness, no self-awareness, no accountability, and they just decide now to chew you out for having dared to criticise in some way. That's for those among us, and I count myself among these people, for those who have a sort of nervous system that gets can get very triggered by that there will be a hangover

from that interaction there will be like you you know you probably will go into uh some kind of fight or flight state and it will take you a minute or hours to settle down afterwards. To that extent it's worth picking which moments matter and which ones don't. Right? It's why I avoid those things nine out of ten times because I go not worth it and I don't it's to me it's not worth it to my nervous system to put myself in one of those situations that's gonna agitate me and now I've got to like settle down afterwards and so on but sometimes you sometimes saying something is the appropriate thing and we I think is really important to get the perspective that while our nervous system

is telling us this person and the way they've behaved is really important and somehow a reflection of us or something we should take personally or internalize we have to remember that in real life someone who is like that wouldn't become our friend. Someone who is like that wouldn't be someone we would willingly invite into our lives. This is precisely the kind of person that we should spend our lives steering clear of. But that's if you, I agree with you, but that's if you don't already have friends like that because I think actually oftentimes the reason you allow bad treatment to occur over and over again is because that's your pattern. And I've been there where I've almost gravitated

towards people who are antagonizing and who are invalidating of my feelings and with whom it would have felt absolutely impossible to bring up anything that I was feeling. And you know me, I'm a little bit like you. I'm not really afraid of confrontation. I don't like it, that I was feeling. And you know me, I'm a little bit like you, I'm not really afraid of confrontation. I don't like it, but I'm French, so it's like we were taught to just speak what we thought

from a young age and it's just not really like, I don't see confrontation as that particularly scary, but I've definitely been in dynamics and relationships, not even just romantic friendships as well, where I've just felt like it's not actually a safe space to bring up those things. And it's not about letting them in, they're already in, and it's already a pattern that you find yourself

continuously repeating and that shows up in your life over and over again. Because then when you do meet someone romantically, let's say, you are then in a place where you don't necessarily feel like you can bring anything up, because what you've been taught through friendships and parents and other situations

is that when you do, you're invalidated, you're gaslit, you're rejected, you're iced out, you're stonewalled, all of those things. And so then, or other people are turned against you, all that sort of stuff that happens. So then even if you are dealing with somebody who isn't like that and who is just maybe being selfish and unaware, you are then completely frozen and incapable of actually bringing it up

because you are just going on the assumption that they're going to react in exactly the same way everybody else in your life reacts? So there's this really really important and deep stuff. I think there are some simple answers to this which is firstly in order to do anything about behavior you have to start actually seeing it and part of the practice as we go through life is to hopefully get better at seeing behaviors sooner. I think there was a time in my life where if someone was charming enough and they were sat in front of me, at the end of an hour or two, I wouldn't have noticed that they hadn't asked me a single question about myself. I would have just enjoyed their company and said, wow, this person is so dazzling and so interesting and I love it, you know, I love their stories and they're fascinating and so on.

Yeah. I wouldn't have known, it wouldn't have occurred to me that I didn't spend a single moment answering any questions about myself. These days I am still, I can still be dazzled by someone, but I am far more likely to get to the end of a dinner, no matter how dazzling someone is, and to realize, huh, I asked so many questions of that person and they didn't ask me anything. Like I'm much more likely to realize that today than I was five or 10 years ago. So being aware of those things is, I think, half the battle.

And the more reciprocal relationships we have in our lives and the more we start to get experience of other kinds of people, and the more we pay attention to the way other kinds of people operate differently and more generously, the more we pay attention to the way other kinds of people operate differently and more generously, the more we can start to see how some of these people in our lives operate in unhealthy or selfish ways. So paying attention to that. When we notice those things, it can be a bit like waking up. I think. It's a bit like waking up into a new world of realizing that there are a whole bunch of behaviors around us that

we have enabled and played into and accepted and taken as a given. Doing something about it then is a really scary proposition. And that where I said there's a simple answer to this, I think that what is perhaps not said enough in conversations like this is that doing things that scare us applies to more than just bungee jumping or doing a stand-up comedy set because it was something that's always been on your list of something you've wanted to do but

it's you know the the idea of it is terrifying and we I think that we we don't apply that logic enough to the much more subtle and less grand moments of our lives where we might just be having a very nuanced conversation with someone that is a bit different than the kind of conversation we would normally have with them. Those kind of moments that don't announce themselves as terrifically important moments, if you were to say them to anyone else, but represent a huge shift for you in terms of the way you're operating,

they're really important. And it's like anything else in life, when you say do something that scares you, there are real rewards for doing those things, for having those conversations, for saying to someone, every time I talk to you about things in my life, you criticize me. And it's making me not wanna tell you things.

Here's how I think you should broach that. I think it's even before you say that you have to almost frame it up in a way where they can't reject it. So I think you go, can I talk to you about something is now a good time? You get their buy-in for talking to them. And if they say, yes, you can talk. If they say, oh, not now, I'm busy with X, Y, Z, you go, great, no problem. Let me know when you can talk. I just wanna talk to you about something.

We can talk about it later. It's not a problem. Once they've agreed to the conversation, I think to your point about the pizza, you start off by saying, so this is really hard for me to say this because I know you and I know you do not do this on purpose. You're a kind, lovely person.

And even if you don't know that for sure, you say it because people want to be made to feel like good people. So it's a really good way of framing up the conversation positively, which is, I know you would never want to do this to hurt me or to, you know, to upset me. So I, it's hard for me to say it because I know it doesn't come from a bad place,

but it's something that's happened a few times that it really upsets me every time. And I just want to make you aware of it because I know you, if it were me and I was doing something to upset you, I would want to know so that I could act differently. And then you say, you know, I've noticed a couple times, and again, I don't think you mean to do this,

that when I bring up X, Y, Z, you criticize me. And you know, maybe I'm sensitive, maybe I take it the wrong way, but either way, it's just, it's something that doesn't make me feel good. And I would really love it if you could just be mindful of that in the future. I would almost frame it like that because I think then there is no room for someone to get defensive. Also, no one can argue with how something is making you feel.

Correct. Right. You're not saying you're selfish and doing blah, blah, cause someone would go, no, I'm not. Yeah. You've criticised me and then it's people, yeah. go, no, I'm not. Yeah, you've criticized me. And then it's people, yeah. No, I didn't criticize you.

That's not true. Instead it's, I have felt like. Yeah. And like when you said X, it made me feel Y. No one can argue that that's how you felt when they said that. That's right. I think it's a brilliant structure.

It's really, really great. And know that there is no structure, like what the structure you just gave, really important in competently having those conversations. The frame that I gave on having your intention, your good intention at the core, is something that can help reduce your nerves a little bit because you know that you're going in not trying to like play chess with someone or not with no smoke and mirrors but just simply from the from a good place but none of those things will stop these moments from being moments that scare you.

Because the nature of them is, if you've avoided them for a lot of your life, or especially if you've avoided them with certain people, there will be certain conversations that as you're preparing to have them, will make you feel sick in your stomach, give you a ball in your throat, make your head feel dizzy with nerves and we have to put that in the same category as anything

else in life worth doing that scares us and realize that we may not come out completely unscathed and it may take us a while to settle down afterwards. We may have to prepare to do some nice things for ourselves once it's over because our nervous system is going to be jacked up and all of that is okay and part of the process. There's nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. You have a certain engineering that you've had for much of your life that has been bred into you by certain situations and circumstances. And so it's hard for you, as it is for many of us,

more people than people even realize. It's hard. We have to tell ourselves, it's okay for me to be scared. It's worth doing in spite of that fear. And that I will come out the other side of this just a little bit stronger for having had one of these challenging conversations. I love that.

I'm actually curious, this is a perfect segue into our Love Life Line question. We had somebody who wrote in called Alicia and she asked a really important question which is an added nuance to this conversation. She said, hi, regarding the announced topic, I have a question. She said, Hi, regarding the announced topic, I have a question. How to co-parent with a dismissive ex-partner that operates on manipulative language, gas lighting, blame shifting, etc. Not only do I struggle to effectively communicate with him, but also when my daughter spends some time with her dad, she becomes unbearable, disrespectful, and it is hurting me to the core. She is five years old.

Yeah. So this, Alessia, thanks for writing in. This falls into the category I was talking about earlier of not every situation in our life will be benefited by us having a good faith hard conversation. Because we're not dealing with a good faith actor. When I hear that you have a dismissive ex-partner that operates on manipulative language, gaslighting and blame shifting,

that's a bad faith conversational partner. And so bringing good faith arguments to that situation is not going to work because they're not playing the same. They're not. They're literally not playing by the same rules as you. So in this case, when you're dealing with that person, there's a technique that I think it was Dr. Ramani introduced me to this technique when dealing with narcissistic or abusive behaviour. The technique many of our listeners will have heard of course is grey rocking. And the idea behind grey rocking is that you give a very neutral tone to somebody when you're in conversation with them. You keep your answers short. You don't give personal information.

So because that personal information will inevitably be used against you. And you don't get into it with those people. You give them as little as possible. You make yourself emotionally uninteresting. Yes. And by doing that you're minimizing the antagonism in that relationship or the potential for antagonism. There's another idea called yellow rocking which is the warmer side of grey rocking which relates to almost rocking, which relates to almost bringing a different level of warmth than grey rocking. You still are smiley, you might have very superficial conversations with that person, you keep it light, you don't go into any emotionally vulnerable stuff, you don't go into complaints,

you don't go into personal information. You stick to, as we say in England, sausages and the weather, which basically means trivial nonsense conversation. Yes and it can even involve when they tell you something being like, oh that's so interesting or that's so great, like good for you. That's really, really cool. You know, like, you can even, there can even be a little bit of a like, it's almost- Like, good for you. Oh, that's, yeah, you can just acknowledge, oh, that's good for you. Yeah. Almost the way, not in an overtly pandering way or patronising way, because that can become antagonistic, but in the most authentic way you can,

it's almost like you're treating them like they're a child. Like a child with this big ego that you can easily placate by offering a few niceties, but deep down you know the real... Again, intention, because people are like, why would I do that with someone that is this way? Intention. Know what your intention is. Your intention and the outcome you want is to minimise the energy drain that this person is on your life. And if the best way to do that is to emotionally, be emotionally uninteresting or to offer them a few niceties that allow them to walk away feeling like there's nothing that's been antagonized and that gives you a more peaceful life. That can be the right thing to do because it's not about ego. I was taught this in boxing a long time ago, you do not step into the ring with ego driving you.

You don't step into the ring and fight someone angry. The most dangerous fighters are not the ones fighting angry. They're the ones fighting with a cool, calm head. They don't fight a person. This is what Martin Snow once said to me, you're not fighting a person, you're fighting a style. Stop seeing them as a person you're fighting. You're fighting a style. If you see them as a person, your ego will get into it and it will become competitive. If you see it as a style, then you just figure out what's the best style to fight this style.

So unless you understand you're not fighting your ex, you're fighting this style. So, Alessia, understand you're not fighting your ex, you're fighting a style. What's the best way to deal with that style? Now, in relation to your daughter coming home and being influenced by his style, this is one of those areas where you have to, A, be kind to yourself, recognize that you are in a challenging situation.

You're not in an easy situation. You're in a challenging situation and that means, and it's a marathon, it's not a sprint. If this person is going to be there in some way for a long time, then it's a marathon. So you say, how do I run that marathon? First, I need to be kind to myself. I need to keep putting myself around people and influences that are healthy, that are loving, that are kind. I need to have this giant well that I can keep going back to, to replenish my reserves, to feel good. And when my daughter comes home, I recognize that she is as much, without realizing it, she's as much in this fight as I am.

She's five years old and this is a battle between frames. The frame that he gives her and the frame that you give her. And what you want is for your frame to be the stronger frame, for your frame to be the brighter frame and to play the long game with that, not the short game. To know that you may not win the battle, but you're going to win the war. The war is who she becomes by the time she's 30. The battle is, did I get her to be the person I would like her to be this weekend? And as she gets older, she will start to see

the kind of dismissive, antagonizing, gaslighting elements and traits of her father. She will start to see them. She can't see them now because she's five. And so your mom and dad at five are your whole universe, even if they're being abusive towards you, they're your whole universe. And it's only as you get older

and you start to really understand your independence outside of your parents, that you start to see your parents for who they are. And the likelihood of her getting to puberty and actually almost seeing the situation for what it is and turning on her dad is pretty high. Especially if she has obvious ways to contrast the way he operates to the way you operate and that doesn't mean you are actively trying to point to the contrast.

Never. It's, you know, I've heard this said by some very smart people. You don't start bad mouthing your partner to your child. Because otherwise they'll turn against you as well. They'll turn against both of you because they'll feel manipulated by both. Model the differences. model the contrast, let them see what a truly loving parent looks like and be patient with them as they come to that realization.

Think of you, Alessia, is there ever been a person in your life that you've dated who it took you a very long time to really see who they were? Then be patient with this five-year-old. It might take her a long time to see who her father is, but over time, the more you model love and compassion and generosity and not gossiping and taking the higher road, the more chance she has of seeing

that you are the beautiful side of this partnership. I love that. Thank you, Alessia. I really appreciate that question. the more chance she has of seeing that you are the beautiful side of this partnership. I love that. Thank you, Alessia. I really appreciate that question. A great, great question to have sent in and a great example of where simply having the hard conversation head on does not make sense. Yeah.

And by the way, Alessia, do check out Matthew AI because we have had, we had someone who, a friend of mine, was at a conference recently where he saw someone who was using Matthew AI and when she found out that this guy knew me, she said to him, you have to pass this message on to Matthew. Matthew AI helped me leave a narcissistic relationship that I wasn't able to get out of for years. She said, I did all manner of coaching, therapy, you name it. I had, I did so many different things over the years. And it was Matthew AI that finally got me to leave this relationship.

So Matthew AI isn't just me to leave this relationship. So Matthew AI isn't just great for the super kind of practical side of dating and relationships. It's also really, really effective at the deeper work that we need to do and the healing we need to do. So Matthew AI isn't just great for the more surface level dating strategies, it is also great for the much, much deeper work of healing and moving to new chapters in our lives.

So make sure that you make use of that, Alessia. And for anyone else out there who hasn't got Matthew.ai, do take advantage of the offer right now. It's $7 for an entire month. You can get that at askmh.com. Well, it's that time again, that time affectionately named Steve's Sleeves. David, could you hit us with our current jingle because I know we're gonna at some point we're gonna update the Steve Sleeves jingle but let's just go with our current jingle. It's a work in progress. I don't't even I haven't even set a melody to it but we'll we'll give it a shot.

Don't be bereaved you know that we can't leave without another episode of Steve Sleeves. I really like that because it's what makes me feel like it's not we don't have to be too sad that it's coming to the end of the episode. Yeah. There more to come. So what's in Steve's sleeves today, Steve? Uh, we're going to play walk or talk. And this is, I'm going to give you some scenarios where bad behavior occurs. You're going to tell me, do you walk or is there a conversation to be had? That's good. Walk or talk. Okay. So they are always on their phone in your company. Talk talk talk. Even if they're just, they're always texting mid dinner, they don't pay attention, don't seem like they're listening. Well, it's definitely talk first. If you,

if you've talked and nothing's happening, then it's walk. Okay. You find out they regularly have told other people things you've shared in confidence. Walk. Sorry. Let's say multiple times they've shared something you shared with them in confidence. Yeah, you've got to walk. Walk.

Yeah, I mean, I'm always gonna lean talk because it's like you should at least say. Yeah, I mean, I'm always gonna lean talk because it's like you should at least say. Yeah, I mean, a lot of scenarios. But yeah, I agree, I agree. If there's multiple times, they just, this is not like. There are people in this life who talk about other people and there are people in this life who don't talk about other people.

And if you're someone who- Do you think it's that binary? Yes, I do. But wait, what- If you're someone who once talked about other people and don't now, like I used to be more of a gossip when I was younger and now I never talk about other people. I would never share anything that someone shares with me

because even if they haven't said not to share it, I just wouldn't talk about other people's stuff. And I think that there are just two kinds of people, the people that do that and the people that don't. And if people reach that boundary, personally, I think it's are just two kinds of people, the people that do that and the people that don't. And if people reach that boundary, personally, I think it's a massive red flag. Let me give you a scenario. Okay.

You're early on in a relationship and someone tells you something. Maybe you've had a fight and in that fight, some stuff has come out. Maybe they've shared some vulnerable information, but you're like, you need someone to talk to about that fight because you feel like, I just need someone to talk to in it. You go to your best friend in the world and you ask for help

or maybe a family member, but in asking for help, you share some details of that conversation and it falls into that really murky area of, they may be told you some things that they wouldn't want shared, but you also feel like you need to give enough context for someone in your life to be able to understand what to help you with.

I'm saying this because I think that, I do have opinions on this But I'm saying it because it does come up in early dating Where you can be like, why did you share that about me? I didn't tell that so that your sister could know that about me, but she's like, yeah but I tell my sister everything like we we we I I was asking for her advice and then it You know from her side. She's like so what I'm not allowed to talk to anyone in my life. And from your side, you're like, yeah, but that was between us.

No, no, no. There's also some things with guy friends where you tell a guy friend something and you go, your wife knows, doesn't she? Yeah, she does. Like, there's a lot of like couples who talk about everything. You quickly learn that there are certain people who you can't tell them something without their partner knowing. So you go, all right, well then I'm definitely

not telling you things that I don't want getting to your partner. Right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and also I think you sometimes make peace with the fact that their partner might know and you're like, okay, am I okay with their partner knowing that? Yes, you know, or if it's no, then you don't share it.

And I think it's, yeah. But to go back to what you were saying, I think that there is a way, and I haven't always been perfect in this in my life, but I would, I personally feel very, very proud of myself for the fact that for the last six years or whatever, five, six years or whatever five six years I've been really really good with this and I actually think that it's changed my standards in a really positive way for the

Way that I expect other people to show up for me as well. So that's why I'm sharing it I think that there is a way to share that so you should absolutely if you've had a fight with somebody It's early dating you are well within your rights to talk about the fact that you've had an argument with somebody else. But there's a way of doing that. If they say to you, you know, my dad used to humiliate me and shout at me and so when you criticize me, it triggers,

you know, x in me and that's why I reacted that way. If you pick up the phone to your sister or your best friend and you're like, oh my God, so his dad used to humiliate him and shame him. That's a massive breach of trust. Instead, you can say, you know, he's been through some stuff in his childhood that makes him really sensitive to criticism. But it's hard for me because then he reacts like this

and I have a lot of compassion for it. But, you know, it really upset me the other day because he did XYZ. That's a different, you know what I mean? To me, that's the way that you share it. And I think that there's a big difference. That's a good distinction. I'm just glad we made it because I feel like that is a common scenario that comes up

and it feels like a murky area. But that's a good way to both not feel like in a relationship you're in a kind of prison of information where you can't even go to anyone for help while at the same time respecting the personal things that someone has shared with you. That's good. They flaked on the third date with no explanation. Walk?

No explanation? Well, they just didn't show, like yours just standing there on the side of the road and they just didn't show up. Two great dates and then the third date they just flaked and then you text them later and... But do you mean flake like stood you up or flaked said sorry I have to cancel tonight? Did you show up at the venue? Let's say you did show up at the venue. And then they don't show up. They're like oh sorry something came up I'm really. Oh yeah you gotta walk. Something came up what that, what, like while you're there? So it makes a diff...

Yeah, you're there and they say, oh, something... Like as in they didn't do it an hour before. No, like you're there, they say something urgent came up, sorry. I mean, that requires more of an explanation. Does it then depend entirely on how they handle? Because I can handle even someone getting somewhere, just with a friend or something, and they just bailed.

But I really need to hear the upset and contrition in the tone. It's all about how the next conversation is of like oh my god I messed up enormously I completely screwed up I'm so sorry I'm gonna make it up to you like the right contrition could yeah it's not up to you if I know of not contrition in it and casualness I would be really annoyed well you're just your job's not to play detective on why they flaked, their job is to be contrite. So if they're not sufficiently contrite, if they don't own the

mistake, it's not they don't have to be on their knees about it, but if they don't own their mistake in a very upfront way then that would scare the hell out of me. You need a reason why you've been stood up. On that flaking on third date one, I did ask Matthew AI and he lent to walk away. He was diplomatic. He said if it's a one-off situation and they've been consistent and communicative, it's probably worth addressing directly. You could say something like, hey, I noticed we didn't meet up as planned and I haven't heard from you. Is everything okay? This gives them a chance to explain themselves and show whether they're willing to repair the situation so he said it all depends if it's a pattern

and if they show follow-through and reliability it's really good and there's this Robert Green has this line that I once heard him say which is no one ever does anything once. And I think there's a lot of truth to that. And it's obviously, it's a great survival strategy. If you went through life, just assuming that to be true, you would avoid a lot of pain. But it's also not, it's not a hard and fast rule because the reality is,

sometimes you can have a conversation with someone. The reason why I, at the beginning of this exercise, said talk is generally what I defer to, is because I believe that you reveal by talking. It's not that you necessarily mend by talking, you reveal by talking. Sometimes you mend, but more often than not you reveal. And that's why I use that language in my book Love Life,

about there are red flags and there are amber lights. An amber light, a red flag is just like no go. An amber light is an invitation to a conversation. And if that conversation makes things better, then it's a green light. If it makes things worse or it stays the same, then it turns into a red light. What Matthew AI does for people is it helps people determine

if you're thinking, is this really a red flag or is this an amber light? And if it's an amber light, how can I have the conversation that could lead to a green light or reveal a red flag? Matthew, I will literally show you how to have those conversations. Yeah. And he actually answered our final one, Matt, which is the question. You have them over to your house. Let's say it's a friend.

They order two pizza pies. You only order one. They order two pizza pies, you only order one. They order two pizza pies, you only order one. They let you pay and never offer. They said, I'm really hungry, I want two pizza pies. As in whole pizzas? Whole pie. The whole pie. And they eat two, they never offer to pay,

they let you pay. Do you talk or do you say, I'm never inviting them over for food again because they just they just didn't even make a pleasant offer. Did it have the topping the proper toppings? Had all the right toppings. They ordered much more pizza and sides and dips and chicken wings they didn't offer they let you pay. Walk. That's walk. This is a friend. It's just a- Oh, it's just a friend. Let's say it's a new friend.

So this isn't a date. I just wanted to know you might be generous and pay for the food, right? You might be generous, so. But there's something about them ordering two pies and then not even being like, can we split this? Like they- Are they at your house or are you at their house? And then not even being like, can we split this?

Are they at your house or are you at their house? They come over. I think sometimes that also makes up for it a little bit. Like if I have friends who come to me, I always get the takeout. I would never be like, let's split it. Because they've traveled, they've driven, they've bothered to make the effort to come over to me.

And I've just had to sit there and just be in my pajamas Fair enough, but I agree with you that two pizzas. I mean who eats two whole piece I'd be I would be fascinated firstly just that they'd eat in two whole pieces I think I'd be too impressed to care Matthew AI says the pizza one Yeah, I'm so curious to know what Matthew AI says about this. He says this kind of behaviour can feel inconsiderate. Ordering two whole pizzas at your house without offering to pay suggests a lack of awareness or respect for the balance in your dynamic. It's not about the money, it's about the principle of showing thoughtfulness and reciprocity.

If it's a one-off, it might just be a moment of thoughtlessness. But if it's a broader pattern, it's worth addressing. You could say something like, Hey, I noticed you ordered the pizzas but didn't offer to chip in. I'd love for us to have a more balanced dynamic when it comes to things like this. How they respond will tell you a lot about their character. If they brush it off or get defensive, it might be a sign they're not interested in a fair and respectful relationship.

Matthew AI strikes again. They were just there for the pizza. It's very good. So there we go. All right, well, again, go try Matthew AI, askmh.com while it's $7 for the whole month, a whole month of as many of those answers as you want. You can talk to Matthew AI by voice.

You can have text exchanges. Whatever way you enjoy using Matthew AI, you can. You can use it to design your dating app profile. You can use it to help you come up with responses for what to text back when you're texting someone. So good at that. If you ask it for specific lines on anything, it's really, really good.

You can ask it to help you with your anxiety. If you have an anxious attachment style and it's tripping you up and sabotaging you in dating, you can ask what something means. If there's a behavior you're dealing with and you don't know how to, you know what, what it means and how to deal with it. Or the context that you can give it, I think is the most useful part because you can really get very tailored responses to the things that you can give it, I think is the most useful part because you can really get very tailored responses to the things that you're asking it.

Because you literally can say, I'm dating somebody, they are out six months out of a relationship that lasted three years and their ex was like this. And as a result, they've been like that. And this is what I've noticed. And you give all of that context so it can really give you a very, very tailored answer

and very tailored answer and very tailored advice to your specific situation. So go try it. We are talking about it a lot today because today is the cheapest Matthew AI has ever been. And we're not doing that because it's not valuable. In fact, we think it's one of the most valuable things we have on offer, but we also want more people to actually come and experience it. For the price of a museum gift shop magnet. Which magnet?

Depends on the museum. Van Gogh, go? Van Gogh. An ear. Magnet, his ear, not his ear, No, he's a for the story. Night starry night go ear magnet. No starry night. I'd pay for that.

I mean, that sounds like a pretty good deal. I think it does too. Go to ask mh.com to get your seven dollars for the entire month of Matthew AI right now, or just try it for free. All right, Stephen, we did want to finish today with just a couple of our lovely Love Life listeners who had emailed in for some suggested names. Yes, so we had some really... No, we had been asking for the last few weeks for whether there are any good names for our Love Life members. And I got to be honest, Steve, I'm starting to come to the conclusion

that there is no name out there. That we are just going to end up sticking with Love Life members. But let's see if I can be persuaded today. Lisa suggested love chips as a kind of like, it can be like place your chips. Uh, or it can be. place your chips or it can be dipping chips dipping chips we had lovelies from Caroline and we've had Hussars from Reeve David and I looked at each other earlier and David said isn't that a Hungarian cavalry unit the Hussars yeah and it was and it was it's a Hungarian

cavalry unit. So maybe not right for us. So I don't really know where we are now. Debra just did say I like Steve's classic pickles, peaches and pears. But some people have not been into pickles so I don't know we're in a real pickle dare I say. Right. I don't, I see, I just, I stand by it. I don't think we have it. We, you know, we've put, we've put the army to work on it and no one's come up with the thing yet.

So. It will come, it will come at the right time when it's supposed to come. We'll see. If people really get behind pickles, peaches, puddings and pears. I think it needs to be something like, you know, to all of our love life, some things, right?

And I don't, I can't see any of the words we've currently got on the end of that. You know what I mean? I just don't, I just don't see it. Stephen's really pushing for pickles. Like in me girls, he's trying to make fetch happen. You're, the name of your autobiography is gonna be called Pushing for Pickles.

Stop trying to make fetch happen. Pickles did happen and now we're taking it away. It already happened. All right, well we live to pose this question another day. God help us. By the way, we are putting out the word to all of you here on the Love Life podcast who would like to ask a question on the podcast. We are looking for both written questions but also specifically voice questions where you can just record a voice memo on your phone as long as it's in a quiet place and we can hear you clearly and keeping it under 60 seconds, 30 seconds is also fine. The shorter the better but up to 60 seconds. You can send us either a written question

or a voice memo to podcast at matthewhussy.com. Send it over and we are going to pick from some questions to air on the Love Life podcast and answer in real time. If you're a Love Life member let us know that you're a Love Life member at the beginning of your email because Love Life members get priority access to asking questions but we're also going to take some from everybody else too. So leave us a question or a voice memo at podcast at Matthewhussy.com we look forward to going through those and don't forget to go try MatthewAI at askmh.com if there is a question that you are dying to ask having listened to this episode something specific to yourself go ask it right now askmh.com

it is available to you instantly and you will get not just any answer but my answer straight away and of course if you like it take us up on the $7 for your entire first month offer only available until Friday the 25th of May. Take care everybody and we'll see you in the next episode.