Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 294: Why They Act Interested, Then Disappear... (The REAL Reason)

Episode Date: April 30, 2025

Why do great dates sometimes lead to radio silence? In this new Love Life episode, Matthew, Audrey, and Stephen dive into the mystery of why someone might pull away after what seemed like a perfect first (or second, or third) date.    From the elusive “spark” to deeper compatibility issues, you’ll learn surprising reasons why people choose not to pursue another date—and how to avoid taking it personally.    --- 💬 Feeling stuck knowing what to say? Download our free guide: 9Texts.com → 9 ready-to-use messages that spark interest, build attraction, and move things forward. 📅 Want live coaching, Q&As, and a supportive dating community? Join the Love Life Club: JoinLoveLife.com 📩 Have a question or want to send us your Matthew AI answers? Email: [e-mail]

Well, we're back with another Love Life episode with me, Matthew Hussey, Stephen Hussey and Audrey Hussey. Hello friends. Hello everyone. We're excited to be back. We've got a great episode lined up. We're going to be talking about why people pull away after great dates. Why is it you can go on a date it feels like it went well all

the signs pointed to the two of you having a good time and then nothing complete anti climax. So we're gonna talk about some of the reasons why that happens. We have a poll that we put out on Instagram that we're gonna be talking about in relation to this subject. We're gonna be reading some lovely Love Life listener comments that have come in and we've been really enjoying the fact that more of you are emailing us podcast at Matthewhussy.com. More of you are leaving comments under our Spotify episodes on YouTube. It's lovely. So thank you so, so much. We have a Love Life line question from one of

our dear listeners Paula, a brand new segment of Steve's Sleeves. I'll roll them up right now. Fully bought into Steve's Sleeves now is Steven. And of course, if you are one of our Love Life members, we have all sorts of wonderful things coming up, including coach check-ins with Audrey. You're going to be working with all of our Love Life members on May the 2nd. I am gonna be doing a live session with everyone answering questions, bringing on live callers on May the 9th.

Stephen is May the 16th and then we have Audrey again on the 28th of the month. Of course, all of the programs, courses for every stage of dating, attraction, confidence building, heartbreak, are all inside the Love Life membership. So do check that out. If you're not a member already, go to joinlovelife.com to become a member today. It is the only place where we are as a team live coaching people every single month. Matthew. Yes, Stephen. Before we begin, just a quick question. I am speaking to someone

right now. It's going great. I just wondered if you could give me three kinds of texts that will keep the attraction going. That's amazing. I would say the first kind of text if you can just just give me bullet points. That's fine. I'm sorry. Just bullets. Okay. Text one, the callback. When you remember something from... So, can you just make it shorter? Okay. When you remember something from the date...

You know what? In fact, just send me an exact script of the text to my phone. Steven, I'm not Matthew AI. Oh. Oh, this is awkward. I'm sorry. You look a lot like him. Yeah. Well, I lot like him. Yeah, well I sound like him, he talks like me, he has my accent, he has all of my content from the last 20 years.

Sorry, I'm just used to him being so helpful, he'll just answer any dating question I have anytime and no waffle. And he's super affordable, which is great. Well that's great. Yeah, so have you been having lots of conversations with Matthew AI? I just find him very simple. So what you're saying is with Matthew AI you can hear me talk about all of the things that you're interested in with none of the things you're... Sorry, could you just make it shorter? Okay, well this is as short as I can make it. If you or anyone else

want to try Matthew AI you can go to askmh.com and try it out for free. You can ask any question you want about texting, about dating, about confidence. Definitely should make that shorter. About breakups. You name it, whatever is the biggest question on your mind right now. You can ask Matthew AI, which if Steven's anything to go by is increasingly preferable to me. Go check him out he's lovely. AskMH.com So we had a comment from Janet on the flirting episode we did recently who said saying the word hot from a man 60 years old and older gives me pause. It sounds very juvenile to me.

Not a word grown men should use. The sexual connotation is giving the wrong vibe in my opinion. It's a turn off to me. I am curious about this because I think when we give ideas of things to say, the psychology behind it is the most important part, undoubtedly, but I always wanna challenge people when they say I would never use that

word or I wouldn't like it if that word was used with me because words give different flavours to things. So if you say someone looks beautiful, that's very different to you look hot right now. Yeah. Or you look sexy tonight. That was really sexy. I w I I'm curious, Janet, if sexy is a word that works for you. Because I would argue that we do have to have words

that distinguish from the kind of elegant, you look so attractive or you look so beautiful and the very sexually charged language that is actually really, really appropriate at certain points when you're flirting with someone. Yeah, and I kind of don't think there's any age where it doesn't matter to have some sexual flavour to your language.

No, so if you're not going to use the word hot, I'm trying to think of what other words there are. If you're not going to use the word hot, you need another word. Ravishing. Spicy. Scrumptumptious. Sultry. Scrumptumptious. I don't know why I let that one slide. Spavishing. Spicy. Scrumptumptious. Sultry. Scrumptumptious.

I don't know why I let that one slide. That's what Willy Wonka might say if he was flirting. This exchange reminds me of the text in the video we just did on texting this Sunday, where I gave a text that I've given many times in the past, but every time I give this text out, it's always divisive. There's always people who get it and then there's the people who hate it and they're like, I would never send that. And the text goes, I keep thinking about you and last night, it's annoying. And then you put a little smirking emoji. And every time I give this text,

there is someone who says, I would never send that. That is like so rude to somebody. I wouldn't wanna tell someone I like that they're annoying or it's annoying me. And it's always interesting to me because when someone says that, partly I'm like, that's an indication that you're not flirting enough, that this makes you feel

uncomfortable because this is just a playful message. Yeah. What I also can read from that is that you may not be receiving it well when people are flirting with you. Because if someone said that to you, what you're really saying when you say, that's rude, I would never say that to someone, is you would find it rude if someone was playful with you in that way. So you're not just saying like, I'm not comfortable flirting in these slightly

like boundary pushing ways that are a little bit edgy, but you're also telling me, I won't receive it well if someone does this with me. And that's, then I'm noticing, oh, you're, so you're, if someone flirts with you in these ways, you're going to neutralize it or take offense to it instead of running with the joke. It's being in a very logical head space, which is not helpful when you want to free flow and flirt. Because you could say instead, if you were in a playful state when you receive that from someone,

you could respond with, well, then you should know you've been annoying me all day. Yes. Right? That's flirting. But saying I would be offended by that or whatever, it would get stuck in these patterns. Now I'm not saying you're getting stuck, Janet. You may just not like the word hot from a man over 60, which is perfectly reasonable, but you've got to have a word for something that strays into the sexual, not just words that stay in that like classy, you know,

silver knives and forks realm. Restrained pride and prejudice, form of flirting. Exactly. Form of flirting. Exactly. So we are today talking about why it is that we can go on a great date and then someone pulls away. So we have a poll that we put out to our audience on this and the results are very interesting. Interesting but before we do I want to say for the last 17 years of my life

Used to even know this better than anybody the questions that have come through the volume of questions from people saying I Just don't know why I didn't get the call I don't know why the date went well. And then all of a sudden nothing happened. And then people are playing detective on it. Suggests that they are truly bewildered as to what's going on. But then we had a poll where we asked people themselves,

like, why didn't you go on a second date? Maybe you're confused about why other people aren't going on a second date with you when it seems like you had a great time, but why aren't you going on a second date with you when it seems like you had a great time but why aren't you going on a second date with other people? What were the results of that poll? Well overwhelmingly the majority said it was because they didn't feel a spark at 56%. The second largest was compatibility issues such as job, lifestyle, etc. 23%. We then had not over our ex at 12% and the last one was at 9% not ready to commit.

That is a huge result for Didn't Feel A Spark. I thought compatibility would be higher. I thought a lot of people would just say, oh, I just didn't think we saw eye to eye on certain values or they didn't have the same level of kindness I care about or ambition. But a lot of people just seem to be like, I just, there's not enough attraction. I think if you find someone attractive and sexy, you don't care about compatibility on the first date. That is truth, Audrey. That is true. I think the compatibility one, compatibility is more likely to come up as a reason why you didn't go on a second date

if you're being highly intentional. I think for people who are being really intentional, they see certain things in a person or the way they speak and they just go, oh, this probably isn't gonna work. You travel all the time. I don't really love your values or there's, there's those things are very apparent to people who are very tuned in to the kind of thing they're looking for and are being very intentional about having a relationship that's going to work.

Most people are not being intentional. Even when they say they are to your point, Audrey, most people, it's enough that they just feel like they're having a great time. Someone is entertaining. They find them hot. That's enough to get them to the second day. You don't want the same things as me. Challenge accepted.

Yes. It's more like compatibility will be the reason someone didn't commit or wasn't willing to take it further. So is that why people just flake then? Do you think people just flake because they just go, eh, I didn't, it wasn't enough. Like I don't even want to kiss this person or I don't want to sleep with them or something. And do you think it's different for men and women? I think that there's a lot of guys who will go on a second date to hook up. Not all, but a lot will go on a second date to hook up because they think someone is sexy,

there's an attraction there. Even if they look at someone and they're like, you're not for me, I don't think that this would work or you're not someone I wanna be in a relationship with. I think a lot of guys will go on that second date. Those rascals. As long as there's like no yikes moment. It's like if someone is sexy, fun and no yikes moment.

What would be like a yikes moment? I don't know. Like alarm bells, like this person's gonna ruin my life. Right. Or there's something scary They said something intense got it. Like this is gonna go really badly other than that If there's no scary moment, they might hook up with someone up here and therefore have another date absolute pigs all of you Why you long been us in?

Good point your You're men, aren't you? Rude. Tell us about women. If they go on a date and they think someone is hot, but there's no deeper compatibility, are they still going on another date with that guy? I think you have to define compatibility. I think if you go on a date with someone and they're really handsome and attractive but you don't have a lot of fun with them for instance because they're

maybe not, I don't know, they're just not as fun as the kind of people you want to date or they're not as charismatic or they're not as confident or things like that. I think you then will go, that almost amounts to not having a spark even though they can be really physically attractive. That happens a lot. I think that if you meet a guy and you feel so attracted to them, you think they're amazing and then they're like, you know, yeah, I'm not really sure I'm looking for a relationship. I think a lot of women will just go, well, I don't really meet people I like, so I'm just going gonna stick this out and see where it goes because maybe they'll change their mind. And then I think there's the other side of it,

which is if somebody's on a date and someone is clearly unkind or, you know, shows themselves to have really, really different values from you, I think that can also become a turnoff if it's sort of to the extreme that you're like, oh, I just don't really like that kind of person. But I think if it's sort of to the extreme that you're like, oh, I just don't really like that kind of person. But I think if it's compatibility on those more superficial levels, women are

more likely to be like, I'm gonna, I mean, I'm massively kind of lumping all women in one, but I do think this is the pattern I've seen in my life, my friends lives and just observed through 35 years of existing. I think there's much more of a like, I will change him. Why do we think it's so, there's such a huge gap between the simplicity in our own lives when we're asked, why didn't you go on a second date? And 56% said, I didn't feel a spark. And the complications that we attribute

to when someone else doesn't want to go on a second date with us. I think we have something where we don't think about the other person's perspective on what they want and what is it, everything that's going on in their life. And some people will just be charming and nice on a first date. So you think that went well, they will flirt

Maybe they do think you're kind of cute or whatever They flirt like yeah, many of us will have done this you'll be on a date and be charming and that but you might be thinking I'm not I'm not that into this or I'm not maybe I'm not attracted enough but I'm kind of being my charming self because I want to impress and We have a natural instinct to want to impress on a date people still want to win the other person's attention even if they don't want to go further and I think we just don't put ourselves in that perspective so we can go home thinking Oh that went really well, but You you just don't know a where that person's head is at

Some people literally go on a date and get back with an ex like a week after. Some people go on a date just to test the water. Some people are looking for something really specific and they might have kind of liked you but they may have just got some sense that this wasn't the exact kind of person I was looking for. People have very like specific tastes. So I think we just take this way, way too personally. But you know, you said something super, super interesting, I think, which is the experience that people have where they will have a great date,

which is kind of the question of this episode, right? Like, why do you not hear from them after a great day? And I think that's the piece that's really difficult for people to wrap their heads around, because when you're asking people, why didn't you go on that second date, if they didn't feel a spark, it's very easy for them to identify that that's why, because they didn't feel like they had a great date. But it's difficult when your experience is that you're having a great date and the instinct isn't to think maybe they weren't having a great day either. Maybe they were just pretending to just go along with it

and enjoying the evening and just making the best of it. Instead they go, we go, I should say, you know, oh my God, it's because, like, I don't understand because this was such a great connection that we shared. We had such an amazing connection. Exactly. So I think it's really important what you said. And I think it really does come down to like, the experience that the other person gives you

on a date as well. Which is, yeah, and look, that just boils down to this truth that I think a lot of us do forget that it's more fun to be on a date where someone really likes you. It's more fun to be on a date where you're impressing someone. It's more fun to be on a date where you're impressing someone. It's more fun to be on a date where you're having fun and having great conversation and

it feels fun and flirty. And not everyone can like, of course there's a kind of person we can go on a date with where we feel absolutely nothing. And then it might be for most people, it's really hard to like conjure up a great date in that situation. But if you're feeling like attracted enough, even though you're already thinking, I probably won't see this person again. A lot of people in those circumstances will just put on a great performance, because that's what's going to make the next two hours or the next hour the most fun.

There's an egoic element of still wanting that person to think you're great. So that does result in a lot of confusion. And I suppose what comfort can we offer people because that feels like a very disorienting, uh, realization that, so wait, now what? You're saying that great dates don't mean anything, like what, then what means anything? If I go on a bad date, it's bad, and if I go on a great date, it still doesn't mean anything. So how do I continue through this process enjoyably knowing that? I think for me, it's take first dates a lot less seriously.

Getting a first date is almost like hanging your coat at the door and taking a look around the house you're looking at. It's like you're just seeing, like feeling out, especially these days. First dates are often when people met for the first time. They didn't, you know, they often met on an app and then went on a first date. So it's like the very first meeting you're having. And I think a little bit that people are projecting too much when they say that was such an amazing date. In a way, I'm way more interested how the second and third date is going. Like, and what happens in between the first and second date. Because I know from experience, first dates can be so fickle.

Like, sometimes they tip in your direction, the person's excited, sometimes they just don't. And it fizzles out, other things happen, people get busy. So I think you have to take a first date, like, bring down the temperature on what it means. Do you know what I mean? Because you don't know them that well. So I think you have to take a first date, like bring down the temperature on what it means. Do you know what I mean? Because you don't know them that well. You don't know enough to say like, we fit so well together, what happened? Maybe you don't. Maybe you are, maybe you do just have great conversation,

but you get down to it and actually you'll find out you're both really different or you have different values and... When people say we fit so well together, there's always an enormous amount of projection in that. There's an enormous amount of sort of superficial connections that you're making in your mind. It's like someone can say that they're into these quirky movies that you're into. And all of a sudden your brain lights up and says, oh my God, no one's ever into

those movies. And this person is into those movies. And I've never met someone who is into these things that I'm into. And that must mean something, but it might not mean anything. Yeah. There's lots of people who like what you like, who are the worst. Like it doesn't necessarily mean anything. And we've, we, because we're, we're a biased judge. We want, we want to find love. So we are so tuned in to anything that could feel like that. And then we come away with a whole bunch of evidence to say, see, look how connected we are.

But there's no real depth to it at that stage, even if it turns into something of depth. Because I'm not just talking about times when it's wrong, I'm saying even when it's right, the depth isn't there in the same way on the first date as it will be on the 50th date or the 100th date. will be on the 50th date or the 100th date. If you're anything like us, the moment you step into the house

after having been outside, you run upstairs and you get the hell out of your outdoor clothes and straight into the comfiest pair of pajamas or loungewear that you couldn't possibly get your hands on. What do you think I'm doing straight after this podcast? On a brand that I absolutely love is Cozy Earth. They have the softest pajamas. They feel like butter.

It's just the most incredible feeling on your skin. They're so cozy. In fact, I'm gonna get you a pair. You're always very soft. And I'm stuck with some pajamas that I bought in 2012. Yeah, you need to be as soft as me, it's very important. And also Mother's Day is coming up, so I feel like we should get your mother some,

she's in town, so. We're getting my mum them for Mother's Day, we're getting your mum Cozy Earth pajamas for Mother's Day. My mum, for those of you that don't know, has literally brought us up to think being cozy is the highest value. It's true, it's a very, it's a very regularly used word literally brought us up to think being cozy is the highest value. It's true.

It's a very regularly used word in our household and in your family. I dare say apart from her children, there's nothing more important to my mom than creating a cozy environment. So this will be the perfect gift for her for Mother's Day. And we're really, really excited to share it with you guys because we have a code that you can use

if you wanna get yourself some pajamas, if you wanna get your mom some pajamas or anybody in your life that you love who you think deserves to be in the comfiest, softest pajamas. They also do bedsheets and so many other items that are just absolutely beautiful. We use their bedsheets as well, actually.

The code is lovelife. So if you head over to cosyearth.com and type in a discount code lovelife, So if you head over to cosyearth.com and type in a discount code, lovelife, you get 40% off your order. Give the gift of being cozy. Go over to cosyearth.com and use our offer code, lovelife, for 40% off. What are, I'm curious for each of you if there's something that's safe for for air, there is

a reason why you didn't go on a second date with somebody. I think oversharing is a big one. I think people confuse connecting and oversharing all the time and it's kind of like this sort of like intensity that people almost, it becomes this artificial sort of connection that tries to almost fast track and burn through all the stages because if you're on the first date or second date, you don't need to tell everybody your life story and like the deepest darkest secrets, your insecurities, your this, stories about your exes. You also don't need to be trying to kind of dig and prod at them to try and find out those things about

them. It's just not really an appropriate thing to do. I think you can go deep on subjects but you know a lot of people kind of, they try to go very deep, very quickly by oversharing and being very intense. And I think that can be quite a turn off. And in some cases, it even feels like a red flag, I think. Is it a red flag because it says something, it's almost like manipulative vulnerability or manipulative oversharing? No, I think it's just, um, manipulative oversharing? No, I think it's just, um...

Or not, not being, being too like spilling it all out there and not having anything that's sacred or private. Yeah. I think, well, I don't want to make people feel bad who do this because I've done this in my life. So it's really no, it's not a criticism. It's just, I think it, I think oversharing comes from a place of not understanding that there's a big difference between kind of being vulnerable and allowing somebody to see the parts of

you that are not the kind of polished, perfect parts of you, which actually is very attractive. It's almost like not having a boundary with yourself, if that makes sense. It's almost like, you know, when people say, I'm an open book, I tell everyone everything about myself. A lot of the time that comes from a people pleasing tendency of almost being like, you know, almost like there's nothing hidden about me and I'm just this open book and I just share everything and if you can't accept that,

then you're not the right person for me. But actually, it almost, I think it comes from a place within ourselves of not having processed certain things and we kind of lead with that. And a kind of lack of discernment of who should I share this with? Yeah of course exactly and and I think we lead with it in almost a kind of like it becomes part of our identity a little bit. That's what I was gonna say I also think it sometimes is a reflection of what we're spending all of our time thinking about. Yes, that's so true.

In the same way that someone who works all day and night and never does anything else, a complete workaholic, it's like goes on a date and someone's like, so how are you doing? What's been up? What have you been up to this week? And what's going on? And they're like, meetings, you know,

like they've got nothing to say outside of the work context. I think I'm like that with my friends. I'm like, all I talk about is work. Well, we're probably both a little bit like that. I wouldn't imagine you on a date would do that Audrey. I think I have- I agree, you wouldn't do that Audrey. I think I have dated people before, at least one or two people who puts a lot of identity in their work, maybe even ego.

And there's like an ego battle of how busy I am and how dedicated I am. And some people like it's like they over index on ambition and success. And you're like, I'm kind of losing attraction because this is your only shtick. And it's the same thing with someone who's done a ton of therapy. They can over-index on therapy talk because that's where they've spent so much time in the last year or two years. So they firstly, they speak a language that other people don't necessarily speak because they're using therapeutic terms and are fluent in this language of healing and personal growth and trauma and all of these things. So they sort of use language that other people don't connect with or relate to.

It's like just we have to be cognizant of the fact that just because somebody hasn't lived the same life as us, or doesn't have all of the same interests or hasn't read the same books or that doesn't mean that they're not valuable to us as a partner. It doesn't mean they don't have our world isn't going to be expanded by that person being in our lives. But we go in with the language that we're really familiar with. And then, you know, someone who's talked about their trauma in therapy for the last year, all of a sudden shows up on a date and starts talking about that. Like it's normal to just go and share all of these things about yourself that quickly. And it's, and that person hasn't earned the right to be in that space yet. And it's intense.

It's very intense. And I think sometimes it's just a reflection of like, this is what I've been spending all of my time thinking about, which is not, we're not broadening ourselves out past those- Intensity is scary in general. I think there's a really interesting point in all of this, which is you never know what behaviors are turning people off.

You never know kind of what opportunities you're losing through certain behaviors that you're displaying. Because for instance, if you are somebody who is like that and is intense, to your point, Stephen, like that's scary. But if you meet another intense person, you might get on really well. But then if you, what you're looking for is somebody who isn't necessarily intense, who

is kind of more level headed and you're actually looking for that to compliment you because you know that potentially you struggle with certain things and you need someone who can kind of bring you down to a more neutral level. You might turn that person off by being really intense and actually attract the intense people you're trying to repel. So I think you have to be really careful with like, yeah, just what your behaviour is attracting and repelling unconsciously. Yeah. Do you have any weird things or unique things that have made you not go on another date with someone?

Yeah, what's your story Audrey? Mine. I was trying to think about this. Mine are really embarrassing and nothing to do with the other person, everything to do with me. I once dated somebody for like two or three dates and he was like perfect on paper is how you would describe him. He was actually a really lovely, great person. But I was going through a phase in my life where I was just kind of looking for more like, just like bad boys, like just kind of like, I don't know, edgy guys a little bit. And I remember like almost just being,

getting the, almost the ick because of like how nice and normal and great he was. And he was very like, he was like a real grownup, you know, in his like mid twenties. And I was like, that's really unattractive that he's like such a grownup. I just, I don't want that. It's very embarrassing to admit that. You wanted a sexy starving artist at that age. I don't, I was just, I was just, yeah, just attracted to the wrong things. But that's interesting because I almost want to add on your behalf there that what you just said lends a lot of credence to the whole, you know, like women just don't care about when guys are actually good guys.

And they just go after guys who are not great and who behave badly and treat them badly and whatever. But it's something that you, like that was a phase for you. Well, no, this is what I was gonna say. At that phase, I was probably over sharing on dates probably being intense I hadn't really worked out I was I was fairly my 20s were quite a turbulent time and I was fairly kind of like in freefall for a lot of my mid-20s and early 20s and I think what I was attracted to was just a reflection of how I was feeling about myself and yeah it's absolutely the case that I ended up you know fairly quickly actually I'd say like

it didn't take me a decade to work this out but I was like oh this is not where my happiness is at and I need to you know as I started to fix and work through and kind of really attend to all of the things that were going on within myself, I started to get very turned off by the very things I used to, you know, be attracted to. It's almost off center to what we're talking about today, but I think it's just worth drawing attention to because there will be plenty of guys, Like I think what we're seeing out there a lot right now is guys who feel very embittered by the fact that

you know women don't seem to want an actual good guy. They seem to sort of overlook those guys and go straight for guys who act more primitive and treat them worse. And that's the frustration for so many men. It's like, when I'm a good guy, I get overlooked. But the reason I wanna pick up on that for you is that that was also a reflection of a time in your life

where you, like, you know, I mean this with love, but you were a lot less of a catch then than you are today. Because no, in the same way that I, I five, 10 years ago was a lot less of a catch as than I am today. And the reason is because that was coming from a wound in you. It was coming from a place of emotional immaturity. And it, I think it's important for guys to hear that because I think the problem, the reason so many people, so many guys right now are unhappy or feeling really resentful is that they stay focused on that version of that woman.

And by the way, it's no secret that many women never grow out of that. And then the guys who feel like that's what women are like feel very validated by the fact that that's what women are like. But the truth is, there are absolutely women who grow out of that. And that makes them better catches at the time that they've grown out of that. I kind of highlight this because I want to draw more attention to, for guys especially listening

to this podcast, I want to draw more attention to the fact that your focus should be on the kinds of women who have actually evolved to a point where they no longer feel that that's the mark of an attractive man that they're looking for. That's no longer the mark of a man's value. I also think you reject more people for superficial reasons when you haven't accepted yourself. And I think for you, you could be just too well-rounded,

too available emotionally, too straightforward and too kind, and that's just a turnoff to that person. But you shouldn't not be those things just because that person's not ready to receive those qualities. No, and what I like is that it demonstrates that emotional unavailability exists on the female side as well as it on the male side. Men get a really bad rap for being emotionally unavailable, but the kind of woman you're

talking about in a whole, in a way that is unique to a lot of women is emotionally unavailable but the kind of woman you're talking about in a whole, in a way that is unique to a lot of women is emotionally unavailable herself in a certain way. What's yours? What's your date story? I was in my 20s, like probably mid-20s and I didn't, at the time, I didn't go on a date with someone again, partly because on the date she was talking about her pet rats. And I was- Rats are so cute. Well, this is the thing. I mentioned this to David earlier and he was, David was, you were appalled, weren't you?

Yeah. I agree. I still am. In my defense- There is no defense. I hadn't seen the video you showed me today of the cutest thing, the cutest rat I've ever seen eating spaghetti.

We don't normally do this on the podcast, but because I'm a little more behind the scenes, let's put that little rat right here. It's really, really adorable and I have to say I feel changed. So in this moment with this woman though... Sorry this is like the same revelation of change that Audrey had, discovering that that consistency of communication is now a port tour as you're having now and discovering rats are adorable. Yeah I would put those two things on par. So when you heard she had a rat is it a pet thing? Is it she's too attached to the rats? Plural.

Okay. Or is it just you don't like rats? Did it say something about the person to you? Okay. Let me go on the journey here of what, like at the time, if you'd have asked me, I would have said, I'm not like, I didn't want someone who had a pet anyway, because it just felt like a lot to be with someone who had a pet. And then there's, you know, whatever. It just felt like another thing. We're already learning about my issues at the time. And I'm like, I just didn't want anything that could be like

more stress, more of a headache, more of a this. I think I think you envisioned and I think this happens sometimes, when you realize you're not compatible with someone, they say one thing and you envisioned the next 20 years with the rat person. Walking the rats. And you thought there's gonna be other exotic pets, there's gonna be a lot of time spent,

if she's already got the rats, what's next? I think you, I think you envisioned a whole life that you, you just thought that's not for me. I may, that's possibly true. I, you know, like I said, at the time it was very literal to me. I just walked away and I went, I don't, I don't think that this will go any further. And I attached that to sort of the idea of, well, I don't know if a person who's got, you know, like rats in their room at home is for me. But now I look back on it. And by the way, I was wrong. It's not she wasn't wrong. Like, I was the one who was wrong

because she was just doing her. And as I've, like I said, David, I'm a changed man. They're adorable. That was just something that meant something to her. And she was talking about something that meant something to her. I was the judgmental asshole on the date who had decided like, ah, this is the reason why this person isn't for me.

But when I look back now, I can see the way I did that on 50 different dates. And my point is we say no for all sorts of stupid reasons. And those stupid reasons are generally a reflection of some kind of either a standard or a very specific idea we've created in our head which by the way is so is specific in ways we don't even know do you know what I mean I couldn't have anticipated that like that would be the thing that would be a reason to say no. I didn't in my specific version of someone I was choosing,

I didn't say someone who doesn't have rats. But that came along and it was like, ah, doesn't that doesn't fit with my like vision of who I think I'm going to be with or the person for me or whatever. And we do that in a thousand different ways. And I have, I've for sure become a person who doesn't, I'm so much more open today than I have ever been. And I think of like all of the ways that we get hurt in our lives by someone not wanting to see us again. And sometimes it would feel like the feedback would be helpful. And maybe in some cases that's true, the feedback would be helpful.

Like if we have a body odor problem that is fixable, it would probably be helpful at some point in our lives if someone pulled us aside and said, hey, I say this with love as someone who cares about you, I think that this is affecting you in your life. I think it's affecting your opportunities. I think it's affecting you in love. That would be a thing that would actually be helpful.

But if everyone was honest with us all the time about why they didn't go on another date with us, we'd get an enormous amount of feedback that was not useful. Like if I had been the guy who gave that feedback the day after the day and said it was because you talked about the rats and she then went away and said I shouldn't own rats. I should I should. Yeah you're the problem not her. I was the problem that's my whole point. But she shouldn't that would be that would be feedback that wouldn't be helpful to her and it would actually be very sad and dangerous if she took that on as like something she needed to change.

I would argue, tell me if you don't agree, you have got so much more accepting of other people since you have learned to accept yourself more. I think that's true, isn't it? But I think it's true in everybody. Like that was the pattern I went through. And I'm only saying that because I really, I actually saw you go on that same journey

with my own eyes, but I think that that judgment of other people and the expectation of pressure, we say like this person needs to be like that. They need to have this and whatever. It really, it usually is because we are so unkind and unaccepting of ourselves that we expect other people to be perfect.

And if they're not perfect, we're revolted. But that's because we just haven't accepted ourselves. And the more you accept yourself, the more you actually end up opening up your pool of people to choose from, because you start to see all the awesome ways in which people are awesome. Like the Rat Queen is awesome and you couldn't see that at the time because you were too judgmental about her because you were too judgmental about you.

It's no different from high school when you suspect that you might not be cool or as cool as you would like to be and When that's the case you have one of two ways you can go you can either embrace that the way you are and lean into it and be with all of the interesting people around you who don't fit into some stereotype of cool and make that your community and accept yourself or you can do what so many people do which is hate yourself for what you perceive to be your lack of coolness and try to align yourself with as many cool people as possible so that you can try and disguise yourself

among the cool people and feel like you're one of them. And then not be around these people over here who you suspect are a little too much like you and go, I don't wanna be around them. They're gonna, like, that's gonna infect me with more of what I don't want in myself. I'm gonna get found out. I'm gonna get found out. I'm gonna get found out

This is gonna be like so I think that that we carry that over into dating so much. We have contempt for people who In some way remind us of the parts of ourselves We don't like or wish or want to hide or trying to get away from Yeah, the people in life who are most judgmental of other people's failures can't stand failure themselves. Like, they're the first ones to point at other people and mock them if they fail. They have a very, usually very bad relationship with failing.

So there you have it. That is why they didn't call for a second date is because they suck, not because of you. Well, if you have a story about a situation where you look back on a date and you think, God, I was so silly for rejecting that person on those grounds. Or maybe you have your own version of the stories we've told. We'd love to hear them. Podcast at matthewhussy.com. How have you changed in your assessment of people?

And do you have a story of being on the other side of it where a first date went well and you didn't hear from someone? And has there been any kind of closure or feeling you've got from this particular episode that you want to share with us? We would love to read them. Again, that email address is podcast at matthewhussy.com. We'll be reading a couple in the next episode.

By the way, Audrey, there was someone, Sophie, who wrote under the episode about how to overcome your biggest dating insecurities. That was episode 289 for people who want to go and listen to it. She said, I love this episode and particularly wanted to say thank you to Audrey for speaking about her hair loss experience. It's something I'm currently dealing with and it has triggered a lot of fear around being desirable enough or even being able to date at all I feel a lot less alone from hearing your perspective Sophie, thank you so much for writing in and i'm really really glad that it resonated with you it's it's really really difficult there are very few things as difficult and

um anxiety inducing as losing your hair And so I really understand and I'm really glad that it made you feel less alone. Lovely, thank you, Sophie. Next up we have Love Life Line where one of our Love Life members sent in a voice note. This one is from the lovely Paula. Producer David? I met with a guy on

Thursday. We've been texting quite short on a dating app and I actually liked the fact that he asked for early on and it went well and I was away on the weekend and I was fortaciously very naturally prompting a second date. And despite the fact that he's quite busy with his work, he was watching Black Mirror the whole Saturday afternoon and he still hasn't suggested anything. So yesterday I said, well I am leaving in a couple of days so if you want to grab that ramen that we've been talking about, I would love to. And he said that he actually is leaving even earlier,

but if I'm free tomorrow, he's up for it. And I said, well, I have plans already because it was late evening. So my interest is dropping. Any advice? Hmm. I firstly, Paula, I was gonna say to you, I think the fact that you reached out and said, you know, I'm, I'm leaving in a

couple of days. So if you want to go and get that ramen, I'd love to I think that's really lovely and vulnerable. And it's not a I like the fact that you weren't playing any sort of a game with that. Yeah. I think that's really lovely and vulnerable. And it's not a, I like the fact that you weren't playing any sort of a game with that. A lot of people are like, Oh, I've already said I wanted to hang out. He sat at home watching black mirror all of Saturday, even though, you know, he talks about how busy he is with his work and how he has no time. And you know, I would have thought if he had any time, he would have wanted to see me, but you didn't let your ego get in the way of you saying I'm not around in a couple of days so I'd love to do that

I think that was a really really good move it sounds positive that he then said I'm leaving sooner than I thought but Sunday could work like why don't we do something why don't we do it tomorrow why don't we do it tomorrow? And you're saying I can't do tomorrow because you know you have plans. I don't know that that should make you lose interest because at this point it just feels like you guys are struggling to make a plan. What I might say is I'm already committed to seeing friends tomorrow, here are the times I can do before I leave. If any of them work for you, let me know. Otherwise, we can always try and, you know, do something when you're back or when I'm back. But I don't think that you should. This almost goes back, Stephen, to your point about not putting too much emphasis on the first date. Because if you put, you

get very deflated if you've put an enormous amount of emphasis on the first date. And I get that like if it's all too complicated and you keep trying and like nothing's happening, then that is frustrating, but it's only frustrating as much as. You have already put an enormous amount of stock in that person. If instead you say, okay, let's just look at the facts. I have been on a good date with someone. It went well, well enough that I wanna see them again. They seem to wanna see me again. We were trying to see each other over the four day period

that we're both available and we're both struggling to do that. I've offered a time he can't do it. He's offered a time I can't do it. I'm gonna have one more shot at it. I'm gonna say, okay, I can't do tomorrow. Listen, here's what I could do. I could come meet you afterwards after I've seen my friends or we could do something on

Monday night outside of that I'm not available let me know if either of those work for you otherwise we can try and do something when we're both back what you then have to do is not sit around hoping and waiting for that possible date in the future if nothing happens. What you then do is you go out and you continue with your life including your love life. You keep moving forward because when we get too focused on someone too quickly then everything has to be kind of binary if you know what I mean. It's like we have to be all in or I'm out. Because we feel the stakes are high and we don't want to get hurt.

So we're like, so that makes us say something like, I'm losing interest after only a few days. And that might be premature right now, given that you don't really know each other, you don't owe each other anything, you both seem to be busy people, you're both, I don't know for what reason, but you're both not around in the next few days. So you're just two people who struggled to get together again, right?

I don't know what that means, it might mean he's not as interested as you are, I don't know, or it might just mean. He really loves Black Mirror. He really loves Black Mirror, as do me and Audrey. It's a good series. But you know, it's, I don't, I don't know what it means. What I know is that when we get too invested, it actually puts us into a more extreme mindset where I have to know

whether this person is serious or not right now. If they are great, I'm all in. And if they're not, I'm losing interest and I'm out. Instead of going let me just continue with my life. Let me continue to go on dates and if a week from now this person's back in town and they say I'd really love to see you, go see them. If you went on a date in the meantime, no problem. Maybe you had a great date in the meantime but you problem. Maybe you had a great day in the meantime, but you also don't know that person anything right now either. So you go on a great day and then this person comes back and calls you and says, do you want to do something? And you say, sure.

You're able to be more light on your feet because you're not having to make big decisions after one day about what this thing is. And the only time you feel like you have to make a big decision is if you are now deciding to cut off all your other options. And we've talked about this in other episodes that you don't need to cut off all your other options at a point where no one's asking you to and it certainly doesn't warrant it. Thank you Paula and thank you so much for being a Love Life member. We so appreciate it. We look forward to all of the upcoming coaching sessions we're gonna do together.

Remember for anyone else who hasn't joined Love Life yet, you can join at joinlovelife.com. All right, I think it's that time again. David. David, take us away. Oh yeah. Steve's sleeves. That was magical. Well, everyone, we're going to play Ick Detectives. So I want to talk about some Icks and let me preface this. A lot of the Icks concept

we know is stupid. A lot of it is just some of it's mean spirited. And the ick, just to define it for anyone who doesn't know, the ick is like something that happens early on that just or maybe not early on but it happens at some point that just completely turns you off to the point of no return. And some of it I'm clear at some point in the beginning of the ick phenomena it was describing something genuine. Obviously some of it just became mean-spirited, some of it became people just saying they're minute peccadilloes, and some of it just became like this, you know, I'm going to make up the most ridiculous thing ever and call that an ick. So let's preface this by saying we're not taking icks that seriously, but herein lies the feature.

I'm going to read a few icks and I want you to tell me if it is just some dumb preference someone has or if there's anything to it that is going on under the hood that you can say actually this ick does point to something. Isn't there a kids show called like in the in England called Ickle Pickle? There is. Ickle Pickle. Ickle Pickle. So can we change it to Ickle Pickle and say ick or ickle or pickle? Absolutely no way. Iggle pickle. Iggle pickle. So can we change it to ickle pickle and say ickle or pickle?

Absolutely no way. Oh, I love that. So ickle is the bad one. Pickle is like, we think, no, that's absolutely not an ickle. That's a good thing. I agree. Let's do that. So someone asking for a knife and fork

in a Japanese restaurant. Oh. That one seems, I get it, but it seems a bit snooty. Yeah. Pickle. Because sometimes you do just want to grab the rice. Some people don't know how to use chopsticks. Yeah. Okay. Pickle. What did your heart think though? Here's one. When they print out their airline tickets instead of showing them on their phone. No, pickle. Pickle. Straight pickle.

That's fine. That's nice and organized. I like that. There's nothing wrong with paper. Does it show, though, a lack of... I mean, it's obviously more convenient and clearer just to get it on your phone these days. Everyone has Wi-Fi. I think what people find...

I reckon what people... Why people think that's an ick is not because of that though. I think it's because it's the kind of forward planning and organization that's like trying too hard and like caring too much. I still think it's pickle. This is an interesting one. The single sad pillow on a double bed.

So a guy with like a single pillow on a double bed. So a guy with like a single pillow on a double bed. This is the, this is the opposite end of the spectrum to the woman who has a thousand small pillows in, which is quite annoying. All you do is truck them off, like truck pillows off all the time. But this is like the male version of that. So what do you think of that? I think Audrey's got to answer that one. She thinks that's a major ick and she's going to tell us why.

No, I don't think it's a major hick. No, we're calling them ickles because an ickle is not quite, I'm going to say an ickle is not quite an ick. It's just ick adjacent. I think that way we can get away with it. I think the flat pillow is showing to a woman, it's like, he's not conscientious. Like he doesn't have standards for comfort. It's like a man, she might go to a man's and he only has like one towel. And she's like, no, you should have like three or four towels.

Do you have more than one towel though? Absolutely. I have several, probably like five or six. That's honestly, I'm impressed and surprised five or six. That's honestly I'm impressed and surprised. Your image of me is very offensive sometimes. Well you never invite me over. When was the last time you used all the towels? You used the towel. No Audrey do you agree with me? I think the flat pillow is something about a man not being conscientious enough about comfort. Like it's too utilitarian. I reckon what the reason people find it an ick is because I think it's because it shows

that they're kind of like single and it's bachelor. Yeah. Bachelor. It's worse than the bachelor. If she cut it, like what he's invited her over and he's not made sure that there's now another pillow, even if he's happy to live in that way. Yeah, yeah. Pickle. Maybe he gives her the pillow and he sleeps without a pillow. Pickle.

Okay, one that comes up really commonly is men talking in a baby voice. I saw- Well, define baby voice. Yeah. Cause there's a lot of different cutesy voices that you use in the context of a relationship. But not- but I wouldn't define all of them as baby voices.

I think if I'm thinking of the stereotypical like baby voice, equal. All the way. But they could be cute voices. There could be cute voices. Because couples have little cute voices they can do. Exactly, they do weird shit together. Walking around in just their top, if it's a guy.

Oh my God, we had this conversation. We did two days ago. We literally had this conversation two days ago. I walked into the bathroom. I was wearing a t-shirt and nothing else. And your little socks? No, not even. Audrey laughed. Audrey laughed. I was wearing a t-shirt and nothing else. And your little socks? No, not even.

Audrey laughed. Audrey laughed. And I... Wait, and I laughed with her because I got it. I got it. Did you walk in all dainty like you were like in a sort of French advert,

like with your little top pulled over? I just instantly realised. I got it. I agreed instantly realized I got it. I agreed. And I was like, yes, a woman walking around in nothing but a t-shirt is sexy. A man walking around in nothing but a t-shirt is funny. You can't say ick though.

You could just say hilarious, funny. Hilarious, funny. All right, brilliant. Well, thanks very much guys. Oh man, that was a good one. I enjoyed that very much. Jackie Henry, by the way, did write to us to say that Pickles is growing on her. So just putting that out there. I like the fact that she's like slowly been worn down because we've just, you've used it so much, Stephen that you're actually starting to grind people into submission much in the same way we did with you

and Steve's sleeves. Yeah, well, you know, it's how it happens. Great art is ahead of its time. It's how it happens. Great art is ahead of its time. Leave us a review if you would on iTunes, on Apple podcasts. It would mean a lot to us. It helps spread the word. We've got, you know, it's a new format. We're all putting love into this. We're putting our heart and soul into bringing you episodes that are not just didactic in nature but are entertaining and you know just give you more of us because you know YouTube is like one version of me to camera and I

try to be as helpful and as value-driven as possible. On the podcast we get to make it more of a show and hang out with you guys and we have Harrison here and we have producer David and everyone puts a lot of work into this so it would just mean a lot to us for you to leave a review on Apple and don't forget to try Matthew AI for free if you have any questions from this episode something that is brought up for you something you would love to ask us here on the show But you don't want to wait until next time go to ask MH that's askmh.com And you can ask a question for free of MatthewAI right now

And of course if you love it, you can get it unlimited and become a member and all of that good stuff But go try it. Thank you so much for listening everybody. We so appreciate you if you watch this on YouTube Thank you for watching it, and we'll see you next time