Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 296: 7 Secrets Of Making Relationships Last (Proven by Experts!)

Episode Date: May 14, 2025

Matthew, Audrey, and Stephen dive into what truly makes a long-term relationship successful—beyond the clichés. Whether you’re in a new relationship, struggling with resentment, or simply curious about what happy couples do differently, this episode is packed with insight from experts on what really makes love last. In this episode: Results from a 20,000-person Instagram poll on what people think makes a relationship last. The Gottman Institute on bids for connection, and the 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. The toxic buildup of micro-resentments—and how to address them early. How to repair arguments when one person wants space and the other wants closeness. Relationship “hacks” you’ve never heard of (including love mapping and emotional buttons). Why “perfect” couples still argue—and how to argue better. The Michelangelo Effect: how great couples help each other grow. Links: 🎓 Free masterclass on love & dating: LoveLifeTraining.com 💬 Submit a voice or written question: [e-mail] 🎟️ Get your tickets for Matthew’s 2025 retreat: MHRetreat.com 🛏️ Get 40% off Cozy Earth products with code LOVELIFE: CozyEarth.com - - -  → Follow the Love Life Podcast @lovelifepod → Follow Matthew @thematthewhussey → Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey → Follow Audrey @theaudreyhussey   

Hello, Stephen. Hello, Audrey. Hello, Pod Squad. Welcome back, Stephen from London. I'm back for this one's birthday. Yeah. How do you feel? I feel good. Do you guys want to hear my toxic birthday trait? Okay. What I do is I don't want people to make a fuss of me on my birthday. So I don't tell people it's my birthday. I don't talk about it. I don't share it. No one knows. And then my birthday rolls around and, you know, most people don't know it's my birthday

because I've not told them. And of course, how would anyone know unless you tell them? I'm just finding out right now. And then what happens, then I get really sad that no one's made a fuss of me. Oh, that is so toxic. That is so, so toxic. A little bit, but it's like, you know,

can't have it always. So this year I've made a real effort to mention to people that it's my birthday in passing, so that people send me a text. And I think people relate to this, this trait of like not wanting a fuss to be made of them, but then being sad that no one makes a fuss. It's kind of a weird thing that happens, right?

Just me? I relate to it as well. I'm gonna do a backdrop leading up to my birthday too, which is not long after yours. I know. Well, we have a big episode coming up today. This episode, we're gonna be focusing a lot on relationships.

A lot of people ask us to do more relationship-based content, not just dating and We thought we'd give the people what they wanted today So we're going to be talking in this episode about what creates successful relationships. We're going to talk about relationship hacks What some secrets to great relationships that are not talked about nearly enough. We're going to be talking about micro talked about nearly enough. We're going to be talking about micro resentments and how they can actually be the silent killer of relationships and what some of those are in many relationships. We're going to be doing a listener question from one of our Love Life listeners and of course the much loved, much

anticipated Steve's sleeves. I've got one for you. These sleeves are ready. Coming up also for all of our Love Life members on the 16th, we have Stephen's live coaching session. Audrey, you are gonna be doing a live coaching session on the 28th of May. And I will be seeing anyone who cares to be part of it in the UK on August the 28th for Love Life Live London. That is a quadruple alliteration. Summer in London, baby. It's magical.

I mean, I can't wait. We've got, this is an invitation to all Love Life members. Anyone can come as long as you are a Love Life member to London to see me and the gang Audrey and Stephen will both be there too, all on the 28th of August. We are still incidentally struggling with any kind of a name to call people who are members of Love Life other than Love Life members. We keep the suggestions keep rolling in. I mean emails coming into podcast at matthewhussy.com, coming in on the YouTube channel where we air the episodes. People, a lot of people saying love lifers

is a name they like. Yeah, so I went for an abbreviation of, you wanted love life incorporated into it. So I went for live loves. The live loves. Live loves though is pretty good. Let us know what you think of live loves. I think it's perfectly silly, but if you have a better one, you know, that's silly and ridiculous,

like the Love Life Bombardiers, then we are also accepting more silly names. So all of that is coming up in Love Life. I think that's it. We can move to the show. Just before we start, Matthew, sorry to stop you. I'm just registering people for an event on the 20th of May. Can I just pop your details down? Sorry, what? In the middle of the podcast? Every person counts. I'm just going door to door doing my job. So what should I put you down as? Sorry, this is for my event on May the 20th around dating. Well, yes, Matthew. What other event would I be talking about, sweet? But you know it's my event.

You still have to register. Well, have you registered? Yeah, obviously. Stephen made it really simple. Well, what's the process? All you have to do is go to lovelifetraining.com, you can pop your name and email, and then you get a spot on a free masterclass. Yeah, and it's completely free.

Yeah, I know it's free, it's my event. If you register. Well, since you know so much about it, what will I be covering on this event? Well, I'll tell you. You're going to be covering avoiding the number one mistake that keeps people stuck in casual situationships. Okay, well that is true. Spotting time wasters and find the people who are serious about dating.

Keep someone's attention without playing games. Use specific follow-up texts to turn a great first date into something more. Yes, yes, that's true. I will be covering all of that and more. Thank you, Stephen. That was really concise. No, no problem. I'm glad you registered, Audrey. I wrote that! So I'll just pop you in the list and then we'll see you at the event. How do I do it again?

Lovelifetraining.com I'll do it now. David, roll the theme song while I do that. Okay, so we are talking today about what creates successful relationships and we have for each of these episodes, we've been putting a poll up on Instagram at The Matthew Hussey for anyone who doesn't follow me currently. What did we put in our poll for this episode? So we started out with a question which said, which behavior do you see in other people's relationship that you believe makes them succeed? The options were, they have the same values,

they have great chemistry, and they are in each other's leagues. What do you guys think got the most votes? Great chemistry in each other's leagues or have the same values? I'm gonna say, cause this was what makes a relationship work long-term. I'm gonna say people said values.

I'm gonna say values. Cause chemistry, I would say chemistry gets you off the ground. But I think values is what people would say is most important. You are absolutely correct, the both of you. We then did a follow-up question. And we asked people, if you picked option one, which is the values,

what are the most important shared values that you see in those successful relationships? Values around money, values around honesty, values around family, and values around ambition. What do you think got the most votes? I think it's between honesty and family. I, ugh. Ambition, yes, but I don't think it's like

the most important one. It feels like honesty a lot of people would say, I think. I'm gonna go honesty number one. Maybe money number two? Really? So the answer is honesty got the most votes by far with 71%. Whoa! Family was the second one with 20%.

Okay. We then had ambition at 6% and money at 3%. Wow. Which is really interesting. That makes sense though. I agree, honesty is the most important of all those specific values. That to me speaks to an enormous amount of,

an enormous amount of experience people have around betrayal and people having, whether they've lied, they've cheated, they've gone behind their back on something, but people feel betrayed at the end of a relationship. And the betrayal led to dishonesty. Yeah. And people sharing their feelings, communicating well, saying what they think. I think all those things, those are the things that people find the toughest day to day. You can also probably compromise on things around ambition, family and money. You can kind of meet in the middle, agree to disagree, but you probably can't do that with honesty. Do you think that men and women would have voted the same way on this? Family, honesty, money. What was the last one? Well, family, honesty, money, ambition, but honesty. I'm wondering if it was an all male

audience. And of course we have a lot of men in our audience, but I'm wondering if it was all men, they would still be voting the highest for honesty as the reason. I think so. I think so. I think if, uh, if we had put in there, um, something like physical compatibility or sexual compatibility, that would have gone like, that would have kind of skewed the numbers, especially if men were voting. Cause I think men really value kind of sexual compatibility. I think that would still have been high for women. You're screwed without honesty. That's the point, right? You could have enough ambition, enough money. Honesty is kind of one of those things where you feel like, oh, I could always have more.

I could always have more honesty in my relationship. Wait, did you have some data around a research around successful relationships? Because this is very anecdotal. This is obviously taken. I mean, it's, you know, quite a few thousand people actually voted in this poll. I think it was something like 20,000 people. But we have a study from the Gottman Institute, right?

So it'd just be interesting to see those numbers. Yeah, well, I've been just looking at some different things by the Gottman Institute, because they are fascinating. It's John and Julie Gottman, a wonderful couple. They are famous for doing these kind of long relationship studies on different couples over time. And a lot of people will be aware of some of their fascinating work. But one of the big things they talk about in communication that we've talked about before is

responding, how responsive you are to your partner partner and specifically responding to what they call their bids for connection. And they even had some data that said successful couples turn toward their partner 86% of the time. So a bid for connection can be literally your partner saying, look at this funny meme. I had a really hard day. They lean in for a hug. Or they say, do you want to grab lunch together later? Any of those are forms of bids for connection. And they say, in terms of success, one of the most important things is how often you turn towards your partner. Literally, they go make it a goal like how much can you say yes if your partner is making a bid in that moment which is I mean 86 percent is a lot right like your partner makes bids you respond 86 percent of the

time it's a lot when you consider how many memes Audrey shows me I mean how lucky are you that I send you such funny memes and I know you've spoken about how Audrey enjoys talking in your relationship, maybe more than you do. And it says, people in the most successful relationships spend five more hours a week being together and talking. That is just the data don't lie, babe. The data don't lie. The other thing I think- Thank you, Stephen.

The other thing I think is really fascinating is they talked about this idea of love mapping, where basically it's like getting a sense of your partner's internal world, like the quality of your questions. And so they said things even just saying, what do you need today? How do you feel about your new job? How are you feeling about the fact you're going to be an auntie or a grandmother? Like you're, you're basically mapping their mind and giving them this open space to kind of, you're basically giving them the floor to share what's been going on. And they call it love mapping. You're like mapping their internal world. Now Steven, I'm curious on your opinion as to women who hear that and say, I feel like if I asked my guy those questions,

I would get very short responses. I wouldn't get very open, vulnerable responses. It might even be met with a level of sort of annoyance at having to sort of Talk about things in a way that I'm not used to you know This isn't every man of course, but there's a significant portion of men who are not very Verbal when it comes to what's going on in their mind So if you ask a guy a very feeling related question, like, how do you feel about your new role? You might initially be disappointed with the level of response. I'm curious if you have any thoughts around that and how, what should someone do if

their partner isn't very receptive to that style of questioning? Yeah, I think you can explore with them. I think, I think it depends on the setting. It can kind of help sometimes if you're doing something else at the same time and then bring up these things. So it doesn't feel like an interrogation and it just feels casual. But you're going for a walk in the park and while you're walking and sort of taking in nature and doing an activity, you use that time while their brain isn't occupied by a hundred other things and when it doesn't have the intensity of sitting on the sofa and just staring into each

other's eyes taking that opportunity to get someone to talk. Yeah and even being like oh do you think any parts of it are going to be difficult? What are you most excited about? Like give something that gives them a chance even to have a concrete answer like what are you most excited about? Like give something that gives them a chance even to have a concrete answer. Like what are you most looking forward to in your new job? What thing do you want to do when you go on that trip or when you go home? What's the exciting thing you're going to do? And I think the more you, you know, questions are kind of gifts. I think a lot of people actually don't get a chance to express themselves as much as they're like and men can definitely feel that as well. They can feel like I don't get to say that because

frankly I never feel it's permitted for me to talk about that. So I think some people are more grateful for it than you think and yeah I think we've got to do our own like exploring a bit, our own curiosity. I also think it's about knowing who you're speaking to. If you know that you're speaking to somebody who's not really connected to their emotions and what you're trying to get is, are they feeling nervous about the restructuring at work? You can just be like, how was your day today?

Did anything happen? How's that restructuring going? You can kind of just ask questions and almost open up the floor for the conversation to be had rather than like, are you feeling anxious about the restructuring? Are you having any negative emotions you want to talk about?

Which I think would be a bit like overwhelming for someone who's not comfortable talking about their feelings. So I think you can go into it as well in a way that is suitable for the different personalities you're speaking to. What's it like? How does it feel to be in the middle of that?

That sounds kind of tough. Does it feel tough? What does it feel like for you? Setting them up with neutral questions that allow them to take it in any direction they want. Yeah. The point I am imagining in this is that what you're doing is you're giving, to your point Stephen, you're giving your partner the opportunity to speak about something which sometimes I think you don't feel like you have permission to speak or you don't want to talk about something because you're scared it's going to be boring or it's going to be indulgent

and to almost say to your partner, I'm thinking of you and your experience and what's going on in your world. And I'm sort of being generous with my time to take the time to ask you about it. Even if you don't have the best answer for it, even just knowing that your partner cares enough to remember to ask you, I think is really meaningful.

Yeah. You do something which is lovely, where you to ask you, I think is really meaningful. Yeah. You do something which is lovely where you will ask me, you know, is there, what do you need today? Like what's something, what's a way that I could support you today? That's one of the ones they mentioned as a mapping. It can just be that. They said, what do you need today?

Yeah, they said that can be a really, really powerful one. The other thing they said is we've talked about this before, but this golden ratio of positive to negative interactions they say is you want five positive interactions for every one negative. And in bad couples, you have 0.8 positive interactions for every one negative interaction. So basically you want this ratio of five to one

and those positives can be anything from a moment of appreciation, shared laughter, doing something nice together, having good meal, whatever for every one moment of, you know, something that niggles you. It's like cheat meals. The 80-20 rule, you know, eat well 80% of the time and then on the weekends. Yeah, that's true.

You couldn't, but there's something to that. You know, I've been sort of taking care of myself in the last few months and I've been pretty consistent with it in terms of, you know, working out and doing jujitsu and eating well. And one of the things I'm reminded of, which I always find really encouraging when it comes to trying to be healthy, is that you actually don't need to be nearly as perfect as you think you do when you're scared about being healthier.

You know what I mean? When you're overwhelming yourself with the idea of eating well and the idea of working out and all of the discomfort that those things bring up for many of us, myself included, that I'm actually always pleasantly surprised with if I'm consistent, I actually can mess up a lot more than I think and still my trajectory is good and there's something comparable there with relationships that I think a lot of people especially anxious people go into relationships feeling like they have to

be perfect feeling like they can't put a foot wrong. We go into our dating lives worried that if we say the wrong thing once, if we make too much of a situation or, you know, create a fight, that it's like we have this anxious thought like, oh, it's all over. I've messed it all up. I should never have said that. I should never have done that. I've had that thought before where I'm like, I should that text. I should never have sent that text, I've screwed it all up now I've done it, but actually what's encouraging is that you can have those moments where things go wrong. You can have those moments where you have an unnecessary argument or where you, you know, say the wrong thing.

You just have to make sure that the trajectory of the relationship continues in a really positive direction. And the way you do that is by having, what was it? Five positives to every one negative interaction. And the key insight here is frequency matters. Like in a way, it's the frequency of affectionate. It's not good enough the, oh, once a month

we have grand affection day and we have sex and we go out and it's the frequency of affectionate. It's not good enough the, oh, once a month we have grand affection day and we have sex and we go out and it's all sweet. You know, it's like, you know, it's like the thing of like, oh, we have amazing sex once every five weeks. It's like, no, actually the frequent, the frequent affection is much more important than the grand gesture. And that's kind of one of the key insights and even if your partner shares something they did and you like that's the moment like show you're proud of them, oh that's amazing you did that, what happened, tell me about it, what did they say, you know those are the moments to like amplify frequently when your partner shares that.

I would also add to that like you know you can have negative interactions with your partner, but so much of the impact of those negative and positive reactions is what happens afterwards, how you repair from those things. Because if you do have an argument and you kind of, it's an unnecessary argument about something stupid, even if it's like a really big fight. Like if you then go, I'm just gonna pretend it didn't happen,

not mention it and carry on, that's where you actually start to build resentment versus like, I think repairing is such a, it's such a strengthening of the relationship because I think fighting and arguing is actually really important. And you know, you have phases in your life where you argue more or less, of the relationship because I think fighting and arguing is actually really important. And you know, you have phases in your life

where you argue more or less, and you have moments where maybe you're overcoming something together that's like a big thing. And so you're fighting a lot about one thing until you've resolved it. But I really believe that couples that never ever argue, it's usually because one or both of them is just not really expressing what they're feeling and they're not communicating

the things that they're struggling with, the things that are in their minds and when that happens all that happens is that then resentment builds up and eventually it explodes and this thing that's really really toxic and unhealthy and sometimes it even results in just a breakup. What do you say to people who, when they fight, they have very different styles around the repairing after the argument? So one of them, let's say, is a much more anxious type who wants to repair it immediately.

They're just like, we had a fight, like they don't want to go another 20 minutes without making it right. And another person, let's say, needs space, needs space, they're more on the avoidance side where they're just like, I, the way I need to come back to the table is by going away, processing, thinking, getting space and then coming back. But of course that's exactly the thing that riles up the anxious person because it gives them all what seems like an eternity to process a thousand different thoughts that are catastrophic about they're going to break up with me. I've ruined the whole thing. We're never gonna be okay again.

I like all of that comes out in that time. So one person, it feels productive for them to go away, but the other person feels like I can't trust you to go away, you may never come back. I need to fix this now. What do you say to people who have those different timeframes on repairing? First and foremost, there's a question mark around compatibility

Because I do think that there are some people Where if their kind of style is so drastic from yours and you need completely different things in moments It can be a sign of incompatibility But before jumping to that conclusion, I think you know,, I think it's all about the communication, right? You can literally say to your partner, I have noticed that when we argue, you need some space, but for me, I just need you to know, when you ask for space, it makes me really anxious.

It really evokes this sense that I'm not safe, that you're never gonna come back. I obviously have some abandonment wounds going on in there, I'm obviously struggling with that, but I just need you to know that because it would mean a lot to me if we could come up with a system where your needs are being respected in that moment because I don't want to ambush you because I appreciate for you that's what you need, but also my needs are being met. And it might be that we say, let's take some time and regroup in one hour. It might be that, you know, you say to me,

I want you to know that I need some space, but it doesn't, you're not unsafe. I love you. This doesn't change anything between us. I'm just, I need a little bit of space to process this because that's what I need. You know, like I think that you can come up with something where you can sort of compromise in the middle about what each other needs.

But I think what's really important to remember, if you're an anxious person or if you're somebody who is more avoidant and needs that space, your partner needs the thing you need as much as you do, even though it's the complete polar opposite need. And I think connecting to that can be a helpful thing because you start to realize they're not being selfish by needing some space to run away and take their time. They're actually doing exactly what they need, which is exactly the, they need it as much as I need them to be there and I need to resolve it right now. It's like, just cause the needs are different doesn't mean that they're not just as powerful for the other person, if that makes sense. Yeah. And I think throughout the process, you still have to communicate affection and love even when you are taking space or fighting.

And there is a thing I was reading about your fighting style, and the couples that fight well tend to diffuse tension by either showing humour, expressing affection, conceding on certain points their partner makes, and you don't stonewall. Yeah, that's so true. You have to still show some modicum of like, I'm caring about you in this process. I'm not just like walking off to never, to potentially never speak to you again. You need to show safety. I think. That idea of conceding on some of your partner's points is really, really underrated and it's so powerful. When you're in the middle of an argument where you've both got the weapons out and you're both coming at each other and it has now become a situation

where you are so entrenched in your way of thinking and they're so entrenched in theirs, it becomes so unconscious at that point that it has the potential to spiral out of control and that's where you say things and behave in ways that you end up looking back and going, God, that was a really ugly side of me that came out and that was a really ugly side of them that came out. You know, we've all been there where someone on the other side of an argument concedes on something, says, when you say that I get it I get what you're saying there and that makes sense and you know, I am sorry for that

When you hear that from someone You immediately soften your body language softens your tone suffers softens and It begins a kind of a new spiral that starts to ease up the tension. And to me, the physical equivalent of that is where like you're fighting and you're sitting in silence after a fight

and one person decides to like just extend their pinky to like grab. A toe. Yeah, like you just feel like one finger on their hand sort of, you know, grab yours. And you then do the same. Maybe you move your hand by an inch. And it's the tiniest thing,

but it's like this tiny miniature pinky sized olive branch that Makes you soften a little bit and there are physical equivalents of that like the one I just mentioned and then there are verbal Equivalents of that like what you're saying conceding on Something which says to someone There are you may have thought the rules of the game were let's each be right about everything and what you're saying without saying it when you concede on something is just so you know that's not the rules of this game. It's much more interesting

than that. You can be right and I can be right. I can be empathetic and you can be empathetic. We can arrive in a place together where neither of us stand where we originally started. And something more interesting comes out of this. And when someone understands that those are the rules of the game, they start, there's a good chance they start playing by those rules instead of the rules they thought, which is, problem out there right now, is that there is so little nuance in anything. It's like the rules of the game are be right about everything. And be like unbendable. Be unbendable. Never admit wrong, never admit weakness,

never admit that you can be wrong about anything. And that's such a boring game to be playing, because we all know it's just not true. We, on both sides, we all know it's just not true. On both ends of the spectrum, whichever side you're coming from, it cannot be true that you're right about everything. And it cannot be true that they're right about everything.

And it can't be true that we never make mistakes. If you look at so much of the world right now, those are the rules of the game that have been set up. And that's why the relationship between people is horrible. It's why we have a terrible relationship with each other, many of us. And if you take, if you say that's on a macro level what creates horrible relationships between different sides in a country

This it's the same thing in a couple and if you want a different relationship You have to start playing by a different set of rules. You know, what's really interesting about that is I think as well Remembering you're not adversaries is so important like when you're in a relationship remembering you're not adversaries is so important. Like when you're in a relationship, you are a team. And so when you fight, it's almost like, what's the end goal in mind? Is the end goal to be right and to prove your partner that you are right and that they are wrong

and they need to make it up to you? Or is the end goal to come out stronger? If it's to come out stronger, it's not gonna be binary like that. And that's a really important thing going into it when you're fighting is like having your end goal in mind. And also I will add this, which I think is really worth talking about is the resentments that lead to those

arguments becoming toxic. Because I think as well, if along the way you haven't articulated and spoken about your resentments and the things that you're feeling, it's almost like, for instance, let's say you feel like your partner doesn't give you enough of their time and you're feeling this, but you haven't really articulated it.

And then at the last minute, they cancel on you for something. So you go, you're so selfish. I can't believe you would cancel on me. And they're like, what are you talking about? There's a really good reason. Like my boss has asked me to say that, I don't have an option.

Like you're being really aggressive right now I can't believe you're speaking to me like this and that would be a very common argument or you know that's the kind of skeleton of a very common argument but the reason that person's fighting is not because they're canceling that one time it's because they don't feel valued in these 20 other situations that have happened before and if you haven't communicated that, or if somebody isn't self-aware enough to go, actually, I haven't made my partner a priority. So this reaction is probably because they don't feel made a priority and it makes them feel undervalued. Then you can kind of,

if you're not doing that, you can almost take the argument too much at face value. Instead of going, there's a reason if I believe my partner is a reasonable, rational, kind person who wants the best for our relationship, if I really, truly believe that and they are having this reaction, I need to investigate why that reaction is happening. I need to be compassionate to the fact that they're feeling this way

because there's a reason they're feeling this way. And they wouldn't be, maybe they are being irrational, but that's unlikely if their track record is that they're a very rational person. So I think there's also, you know, that going on where, where people aren't necessarily nuanced about the root of the argument and they're fighting the wrong problem and they're not doing it together. That's a great point. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you're fighting the single battle instead of the actual conflict you're having. Yeah, exactly.

You've got to pull it out from the root. There's a thing you said that does relate to the Gottman's advice, which is very interesting. You were talking about people being unbendable. One of the things they say is most important in good relationships is allowing yourself to be influenced by your partner. That's such a good line. Yeah. I love that line. Yeah. They said, basically it shows you value their impact. You respect them and what they have to say.

And basically they said, you know, even in heterosexual relationships, when men resist influence from their partners, the couple's 81% more likely to break up. Like if you don't allow the fact both ways that my partner has some better ideas than I do, my partner has some ways of living, my partner has thoughts that I need to accept some of their influence. Which I'm against.

That's because respect is so important in the functioning of a relationship. Like if you respect your partner, that's kind of everything. But that gets into some interesting gender dynamics though where I'm seeing more and more rhetoric from a certain subset of guys who want to believe that they should be in charge. You know I did a Red Table talk episode with Jada Pinkett and a whole group of people where there was some very vocal male opinions around the table about how the guy should be in charge, the guy should be the ultimate decision-maker and I sat there kind of slightly in horror because I was like,

this is firstly, that's a mandate for an abusive relationship, period. And there are no shortage of women who have been in relationships where it's like, the guy's like, I'm calling the shots, I'm in charge, I'm the decision maker. And that creates a kind of dictatorship within a relationship. But when you start to kind of proselytize about that idea, what you get is a bunch of guys who

feel that by being to be influenced by the woman in their life, to believe that the, to say, you had a better idea than me. I let's go with what you said, because that's actually better, or you're teaching me lots of things. I'm learning a lot from you to say that would be to disrespect yourself as a man in the relationship who's supposed to be the one in control. And there's something incredibly secure about men who can be in a relationship and do this. It's interesting that the Gottman's back it up with their research that when a guy can't be influenced

by the woman in his life, the relationship is far more likely to fail. And yeah, it was interesting. I think it goes both ways as well. It goes, absolutely. But I'm saying I think there's a cultural thing. And I think especially because of the kind of rhetoric I'm talking about, men have more baggage around the idea of being receptive to the great ideas in from the woman in their life. And I, and that to me is a, that to me is a tremendous shame. And it's a bit like what you're saying, Steve, is the Gottmans are saying,

respect is at the heart of successful relationships. But that is what I think what a lot of relationships suffer from is a guy feeling that he's not being respected a guy feeling that he's not being respected if he's not being called amazing all the time for every idea he's having. And if he's actually being receptive to good ideas from the outside, not least of which from the woman in his life.

So you've got like two ideas of what respect is there that are butting up against each other. Yeah. And I, and yeah, I just think in any partnership like that, it's just not going to be possible. If you're basically saying I'm a fixed entity and I can't learn from you, it's like, A, sort of like, what are we doing here? What's the point? And if we're already like these finished doing here? What's the point? And if we're already like these finished products and and B, yeah, you're, you're not allowing, you're not showing that curiosity. You're not showing that openness. And it's very like, it's an unattractive

quality, not being open, right? It's just, Can you talk about the also the thing you shared with me before the show about successful couples bringing out the best in each other. Yeah, so there was this really great point that I loved and me and Audrey were talking about about how couples that are the happiest bring out the best in each other.

And this is called the Michelangelo effect, but it's basically you help each other move closer towards your ideal selves. It's kind of like Michelangelo, it's like you're seeing the sculpture within the marble, but it's like, it's not living for someone's potential, but it's like you water each other like a flower and you both grow and help each other form into that version.

And you know how I think, because I love this and I actually believe this is what you and I have done for each other. We've talked about it before. I've never heard it be referred to as the Michelangelo effect, but this idea of like, I really like who I am when I'm with you, and I really like the person you make me.

I think, I was thinking about it, and I think the way to do that is to actually focus on your partner's positive traits and to reaffirm back to them the things that you really appreciate about them and you think that are really valuable about them. If you're like, you know, you're, I've noticed you're such a hardworking and kind and in person integrity, you know, person full of integrity. And I really, really love that about you.

That's going to make them want to do those things more. It's gonna make them want to almost kind of like, well, I wanna live up to this image that you have of me because I like feeling this way. I like feeling like you think that I'm a kind person, I'm hardworking, I have a lot of integrity. I like those things about myself. So I'm gonna double down on those traits

because I want you to keep thinking that about me. I also think that it makes you more receptive to feedback because if you feel really loved and admired for the person that you are, when someone then draws attention to something that they think they need more of or an area that you could improve in, you're more receptive to that

because you've got almost a foundation of confidence. I have always loved my bed. I remember when I went to university when I was 18, I went out and with money I did not have as an 18 year old, I bought some fancy pillows, a fancy quilt, some fancy bedding and a mattress topper because my bed has always been literally the most important thing to me.

I've always washed my bed sheets once a week and I'm obsessed with making my bed the comfiest, like softest, most lovely place to be. You know how much time I spend in bed. Yeah, you're like a sloth. I mean, or something nicer maybe. Sloths are much time I spend in bed. Yeah, you're like a sloth. I mean Something nicer maybe it's lots of cute. I just love it and for the last few years now We have been using what I consider to be the best bedsheets that I have ever found and I'm a bed sheet connoisseur You are this is true. I really am the brand is cozy earth and we love their stuff guys

We really do we we use their pajamas. Matt, you said you were wearing their socks. I'm wearing their socks right now. High praise for you. They're the comfiest socks I have. You're very picky about socks. I've been wearing their socks, I've been wearing their shorts at night.

I intend to get some pajamas. I wanna order a pair of a set of the bed sheets for when we go back to my mom's house in England. I have spares. So that's happening. The bed sheets for me, you know, I have a real problem with overheating in the middle of the night.

Oh my God, you guys, if Matt had his way, we would live in an igloo. Yes, that would be my preference. But since we can't, I'm very happy with these bed sheets because I actually sleep through the night. They have a three month return policy by the way. So if you try the bed sheets and you don't love them, you have three months to return them.

There's a 10 year warranty that protects your investment, but the stuff is really great. We've never wanted to return anything. We love it. And right now we have a discount code, which is love life. That if you use that at cosyearth.com, you get a 40% discount on

anything on the site. So go over to cozyearth.com use the discount code love life and get 40% off. We said that we wanted to talk about some under the radar relationship hacks, skills, advantages that you can bring that can make a relationship successful. I have one immediately that comes to mind. Go on. Normally I think when people hear this question,

they go straight to certain, like how to behave towards your partner or kind of something to do in the middle of your day certain, like how to behave towards your partner, or kind of something to do in the middle of your day with your partner, or how to approach them in something. For me, the work starts at the most fundamental level of wanting to be great for your partner, wanting to do things for your partner, wanting to do things for your partner, wanting to celebrate your partner.

Because I think the problem with most relationship advice is that it's asking people who already are unmotivated to do more. Like if you imagine that, taking someone who's unmotivated to exercise or eat well and telling them to do more of the thing they don't want to do, that's really, really hard. The same is true in relationships. It starts at the most core root level of why do I want to show up for my partner? Why do I love my partner enough to want to celebrate them, to want to show up for them? And that to me becomes the most important question.

What is my why? And how do I access my why easily so that I don't have to go to a weekend seminar for a whole weekend and sit there and connect to why my relationship is important but I can get there instantly and there's a there's a technique that I have always taught on the retreat called emotional buttons. And it takes me several hours to do this with people on the retreat, but to give a pricey here, emotional buttons to me are the moments or the triggers for a thought or a feeling that you want to have more regularly.

Like a shortcut. They're like a shortcut to an emotion. If you want to work out and you're trying to get motivated, you can have a shortcut to that feeling through these emotional buttons. Through emotional buttons. If you want to show up better in your relationship, what's the shortcut to how much you love your partner that can help you get there a lot quicker? up better in your relationship, what's the shortcut to how much you love your partner that can help you get there a lot quicker?

You have to kind of start to notice these things along the way. Like for me, I've said this on the retreat before, you know, there's a, there's a moment in the movie, the fighter with, um, Christian Bale and Mark Wahlberg, Mark Wahlberg, it's about two boxes and Mark Wahlberg's character Wahlberg, it's about two boxers and Mark Wahlberg's character, he's about to get in the ring in a really scary fight and his older brother comes and like puts his forehead against his in this really loud, scary environment.

Everyone's cheering, he's nervous and his older brother comes up to him and puts his forehead against his and it's almost like he just rocks with him and and like calms him down and is there for him and there's something so powerful about that image to me that connects like I only have to think about that and it connects me to the kind of older brother that I want to be in my life the kind of older brother that I want to be in my life, the kind of older brother that I aspired to be. And instantly I'm like, what do I want to do for my brother today to create that feeling for you,

Steven or for Harry? What does it mean for me to be that older brother today? And that's that all comes from that one little moment in that movie that I didn't know beforehand would trigger that in me, but when I watched it, it really did. And an emotional button is when you take that moment and you kind of package it up, you know, so you could have that clip saved on YouTube or you could even just have the memory of that clip and write it down somewhere, you know,

Christian Bale or Mark Wahlberg moment in The Fighter. And that could be an emotional button for being a great brother. I have, you don't know this, it's like a little thing, like a little mannerism that when you do it, it's like it connects me intensely to how much I love you. It's not logical, by the way. It's not logical at all.

It's purely like this thing that you do that like really fills me with love for you. And you don't do it that often. It's not like a everyday thing, but it really even when I think about it, I'm like, oh, I love this person so much. And I can have that written down as an emotional button, like to imagine just for a brief second, you doing that thing. And it really connects me to how much I love you.

It connects me to how I wanna show up for you. It connects me to this, you're this person that I just want the best for. We all, these are very, the emotional buttons are very specific things. But when you have one, and when you come across one for your relationship, for your romantic relationship, you should write it down and hold on to it. Because to me, that's like the ultimate relationship hack, if it can be called a hack,

relationship hack, if it can be called a hack, is that in the morning you start from a place of really wanting to give to your relationship as opposed to starting from a place of feeling like giving to your relationship is a chore or one more thing that you have to do in your day. And in the same way that like the ultimate hack for building a successful business is to wake up every day and want to. It's like the ultimate hack is that you wake up the ultimate hack for being fit and having a great body is that you actually get excited about working out. Well, you actually want to, you feel pulled to do it instead of having to force yourself to do it. And I'm talking about that but for

relationships. If you can connect to your why in that way using emotional buttons, your relationship will be one of those rare rare 1% relationships that just gets better and better and better. By the way, before I want to hear you your guys secrets to this, before I do that, this is probably a perfect moment for me to mention this. The emotional buttons concept comes from the retreat program that I do once a year. That retreat program I am doing again in 2025. It's not I don't want to make it sound like

this is a relationship retreat. It's not, it's a, this is a retreat for anybody who wants to build their confidence, anybody who wants to work on their relationship with themselves, anybody who wants to look at what self-sabotaging patterns they have that they've had their whole life and wants to change them and disrupt them.

Anybody who wants to learn tools for emotional regulation so that they can get into better emotional states and not get locked in negative states. But I'm doing it again in October of this year on the 18th and 19th in Miami and you can grab tickets at MHRetreat.com if you haven't already. This is going to be a really special event. The retreat used to be six days long. It's now two days. So it's a much easier event to get to. But if you haven't already got your tickets, MHRetreat.com is where you can get those. Audrey and Stephen, I'm curious to know what your under the radar relationship hack or skill is.

Well, one of them you did touch on and mine was, had a similar one, which is noticing micro gestures and observations I wrote down, which is, uh, I mean, the Gottmans do talk about the fact that in unhappy relationships, people miss 50% of the positive things their partner does. But I think you can almost go, you know, I think a lot of appreciation, but even noticing micro gestures or even you were at a social event, they did something like, I noticed the way you talked to my sister or auntie and like I was watching you and like you were so warm and loving and even just showing I was observing, I noticed that. It just goes such a long way to that curiosity. Also, I think learning your partner's favourite things. And if they're in love with the subject or

their job or something, you don't have to be an expert in it, but it actually goes a long way if you read a book on it. Learn something, go watch a video on something they're into or they do, share it with them, make a night. If they have a certain movie, a certain movie series you've never seen, TV show, it's like, let's make a night and make a thing of it. And I want to like be a part and learn about it or their hobby. And this isn't the same thing as needing to be into it yourself or doing it regularly with them. It's, I think that the gesture of, like you said to me recently, you were like, I really wanna come and watch you again in Jiu-Jitsu,

one class. And you know, you've been to see me once in the entire time I've done Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and that's fine. I don't- Because it starts at 6 a.m. Right. That's why, it's an early start. But by the way, I don't need it starts at 6 a.m. Right. That's why. Yes. It's an early start.

But by the way, I don't need you to be into it. I don't. But the fact that a few weeks ago you were like, I really want to come and see you again. Like, I want to find a day to come and watch you. You haven't been. And that's because it's at 6 a.m. But it actually doesn't even matter to me that you haven't been It was just really nice that you said that like I remember that was a really lovely little moment for me where you showed like I Want to I want to show an interest? Even if only once in a while in this thing that matters to you I don't I just want to make that point because it's not about like getting into the thing No, you're into it. But even if they say their favorite book is X, it's like, read it.

Like their favorite movie is X. Why don't you check it out? Like, uh, and, and I think it's just a really easy thing you can do. Um, and I think just certain acts of service, like taking care of certain things can be a really good way of showing love of just like taking care of dinner, booking tickets, getting a ride home for just something that shows like I pre-thought of your comfort and pre-thought of that or I planned a thing where you're going to be pampered or I'm going to massage or blah blah. It just shows like I've made a way of making things a bit more cozy for you and I've thought about

your comfort. Audrey, what was yours? Well, you've kind of touched on it already, Stephen. I really believe in the observational compliment. So I think, especially, I think a lot of relationships struggle with the feeling of not being appreciated. I know this is especially true when it comes to women

and especially true when it comes to mothers and especially true when it comes to mothers. But I think it's also just both partners can feel very underappreciated in the things that they do. And I think sometimes we make the mistake of appreciating our partners for the things that we value, not the things that they're doing. And so even if you're not, for instance, let's say you're somebody who doesn't care about

the house being tidy, but your partner has tidied up the whole house, you should still say, I noticed you tidied up the whole house, thank you so much for doing that, I really appreciate it, it's so much nicer when it's tidy. Even if it's something that you don't really value

or care about, the kind of the observation, and it can be big and small, it can be tidying up the whole house, it can literally be like, I don't know, I noticed you do so much with my mum, and you're so kind to my mum, and I really appreciate when you're like that. Like it really makes me kind of, it really makes me value you a lot because you know,

yeah, I just really appreciate it. I think that the observational compliment is really, really powerful because it makes people feel seen and appreciated at the same time. And I really, really believe that underappreciation is one of those silent relationship killers, where we can take each other for granted, not appreciate the big and the small things that we do, or we appreciate them but we appreciate them silently instead of actually saying it. It takes 10 seconds to just say, I'm really grateful for this, I'm really grateful for this.

And it makes all the difference to the other person. You actually did it to me this morning. You turned around to me and you were like, I want you to know I'm really, really grateful because I noticed that you do X, Y, Z, and on top of it you also do this and this. And it doesn't go unnoticed how much effort and energy you put into all of this, and I'm really grateful. And it really meant so much to me that you said that.

And I think it's so simple. That took what, like 10 seconds? And it was just like, it a really really powerful thing. But it takes it takes 10 seconds and a big why. I just I think it's really really important to connect to that because the reason a lot of people don't do the things that would take 10 seconds is because they are not connected to to their driver for wanting to do it in the first place, or they don't feel connected. I don't mean by that like I wasn't connected

to the result I was trying, in that moment I did it because I was connected to a result I was trying to get. It wasn't that, I was connected to you. I was connected to why I care so much about you and why I'm so appreciative of you. Why am I so grateful for this person? And in that moment when all of a sudden I feel genuinely connected to not taking you for granted and I feel genuinely appreciative of what you bring to my life, all of a sudden saying that

thing feels effortless because it's just an extension of what I'm actually feeling. I'm just verbalizing what I'm feeling but if you try to take a person who's not feeling it and say it would just take 10 seconds just go say that thing it will feel like moving a mountain to go and say that thing even though it would take 10 seconds which is why connecting to your why through emotional buttons is so so important. All right it is time for love life line we have a question that was sent into podcast at Matthewhussy.com this email is from anonymous she did ask to remain anonymous so we will honor that she says

hello I sent you an email a few weeks back when I was struggling through the beginnings of a breakup I'm still in the thick of it and have been listening to your podcast non-stop you guys are the best and have offered me so much insight even though it is still so so difficult me and my ex have reached the stage of our breakup where I'm beginning to realize it's over for good. That's a really hard stage, isn't it? When you realize like those it's truly landed as a realization that, Oh, there's no more hope.

This is done. I broke no contact to ask him if there was anything I could do to change his decision and he said, I miss you, but I'm not going to change his decision and he said, I miss you but I'm not going to change my decision. I remember a situation like that where I thought they're gonna have a turnaround. They're gonna come to their senses. They're gonna like, and you know when people at Friends are being like positive around you,

they'll all tell you like, they're gonna realize that oh, you just watch watch they're gonna regret this one. I remember getting a text from someone where they said you know I know this is really hard for the both of us but I just know it's the right thing and that it was like that was the most painful moment of the breakup for me because it it was it confirmed what all of the hopes I had of like they're gonna realize what a mistake they've made and I'm gonna get to say I told you so evaporated and the reality of oh this person doesn't think they've made a mistake landed with me

and then like it was doubly painful she said I feel so undervalued he said it's nothing I have done wrong and he didn't stop loving me, but he just doesn't think we're quite right for each other. It's so hard to hear because he is perfect for me. I feel so small and insignificant that he's seen all of my true colors and values and efforts, yet wants nothing to do with me.

I'm beginning to see him as a different person. He's distant and cold. We don't speak now. He asked me to stop talking to him. I was planning on doing that anyway but he said it in a snappy and irritated way as if I was a nuisance to him for conveying my feelings to him about being dumped. He is becoming a stranger and a distant memory in my mind. It feels weird. I was once so close and so in love and so enamored and happy with this person. It feels wrong to let them slip away. I don't want to let their memory go, but I also know it's a step in my healing. Please help me. I don't know how to cope with watching my love become

a stranger. I don't know if I'm strong enough to let them go. Thank you for reading. God, could any email sum up more perfectly the pain of a breakup and the way that it confuses, confounds, inverts our reality, where it takes this person we were closer to than anyone in the world and has them revert back to being a perfect stranger in our lives.

And the coldness with which someone can seemingly just amputate the relationship from their lives. When we can't even imagine letting them go. And we're watching them almost become colder by the second. Now they're not just letting go of us, they're irritated that we're even expressing our feelings to them. And there's this fundamental disconnect, which is actually reflected in this email

where he's feeling this way, like, hey, I don't need any more of your thoughts and feelings, and starting to feel irritated by it. And her side, which is, she says, it's so hard to hear because he is perfect for me. That is the complete contrast between the two positions. And it's part of the madness that we feel when someone's breaking up with us and we have a completely different set of emotions than they do. That you're perfect for

me and I can't let you go and you can't seem to get away quick enough. And the longer we hold on to this story, this idea that they're perfect for us, the longer we hold on to this what seems like you know a fundamental incompatibility between these two realities and actually I think a huge part of the grieving process in any breakup and it is a grieving process is to have these two realities actually start to merge into one reality and the one reality is that actually what this has revealed is that he is not perfect for you. What this has revealed is that despite having had wonderful times with this person, which I'm sure you did, I'm sure you can think of many good memories in the relationship.

There was a real disconnect between the way you have been feeling and the way they have been feeling and accepting that they have been living in a very different reality than the one you've been living in is actually a big part of the healing. It's one of the most painful parts because it involves a kind of rewriting of some of that history at the very least. It involves us realizing, oh my God, I was occupying a different planet than you were.

I was on planet, aren't we so happy? And you were on planet. I'm constantly questioning this and I'm wondering when's the best time to break up with you. That can feel intensely painful. It can even feel intensely embarrassing. That what was I, what I was living in a dream? I was just, I was on my own.

I thought we were together in this and I was having all of these thoughts and all of these feelings on my own. That's one of the most painful experiences we can go through, but when we realize that, beyond the initial pain of that realization, it actually gets easier. Because now we can stop thinking of this person

as the love of our life. You can't be the love of my life if while I was living in this romantic vision of what we were, you were wondering when to make your exit. That means the most romantic part of this relationship was actually me. I was the real love story of this relationship. The way I'm able to love was the real love story of this relationship. The way I'm able to love was the real love story

of this relationship. And that's a love story that will continue in your life. Someone once said to me, and I thought it was so powerful, I was going through a very bad heartbreak, and they said to me, Matthew, you have to remember that you saw the best of yourself in that relationship. And that doesn't mean I didn't do anything wrong and it doesn't mean I didn't make mistakes

or that my love didn't make me act out in ways that I'm not proud of and would have done differently if I was more secure in that moment. But the part of me that was able to love that intensely, that purely, the part of me that was able to give that much or fall that hard is one of the most beautiful part of me that was able to give that much or fall that hard is one of the most beautiful parts of me.

That's the part of us that we want to protect. And there's a world where we are both, where we become proud of ourselves, proud of that part of us that was able to love in that way, and simultaneously realize that it was pointed at the wrong person. We didn't know it at the time, or maybe we did a little bit, maybe some part of us did sense something,

but even if we didn't, we've come to realize that that beautiful part of us, all that energy, all of that love, was pointed at someone who ultimately ended up being the wrong person for it. And more than that, it's now pointed at someone who's behaving with total indifference towards us. Even irritability at the idea that we are struggling to let go of this beautiful, beautiful thing that we thought we had. And when you realize that, you can start to realize that, oh, this person doesn't deserve this part of me. The question is not how do I let this person go who's the love of my life, who's perfect for me. No, the point becomes

this person does not deserve all of this from me. Someone who doesn't value me, someone who shows such indifference towards me, someone who doesn't want to be on this path with me, does not deserve this part of me. And someone out there does. And to your point about, you know, I gave him everything, you know, he saw my true colors and values and efforts and wants nothing to do with me. It's extremely easy to take that as a kind of a true damning conclusion about our own worth. That must mean I'm worth nothing. If someone can be the closest person to me

and see everything I have to give and everything that I am on the deepest level and reject that, that is an ultimate rejection. It's the ultimate rejection. It's tempting to think that way, but it's actually not true. The reason this person left can have many different

origins. It could be to do with where they're at in their life. It could be to do with what they think they want right now. Which may or may not be something that ends up making them happy. Have you ever wanted something really really badly and told yourself this is the answer I need I don't want this job I need a job like this and then you got that job and it made you even less happy? We thought I know what I need to do, I need to move to this country and then you moved there and it didn't make you happy at all? Or you moved to five different countries and you came to realize that none of these countries

made you happy, none of these cities were suddenly this paradise that you thought it would be, because the reality was you were continually running from something, hoping that you were going to find a different experience when you got there, not realizing that the unhappiness was coming from within. Someone being with you and getting everything from you and then taking it for granted can have far more to do with their value system or their idea about what's gonna make them happy that they don't even know for sure is true then it has to do with your value. But what is true is that

you can't be around people in life who take what you have to give for granted. That has to be the role. I cannot be around people, friends, partners, especially the person we're going to spend our life with, who do not value and who take for granted who I am and what I have to offer and what I have offered That's the real story here is not a story of how you have no value is a story of how this person has ceased to have any value for you and No longer deserves this canon of love and no longer deserves this canon of love that you have pointed at them because you've convinced yourself that this is the perfect person.

What you now have to do is reason with the part of you that thinks that. Understand that this is an old script, that this person is speaking from another time and another mindset but they keep saying the same words, not realizing that these words are now well and truly out of date. And the wiser, larger part of you now has to reason with that person and let them know that the story has changed and needs to comfort them in knowing that a better story awaits. Wow. Mic drop. Well I think that the person who wrote this email along with anyone else who's struggling today needs a healthy dose of Steve's sleeves. Absolutely and before we do that we need

David to do a new theme song I absolutely agree. Before that as well. Anybody else who wants a Love Life Line question answered, we are taking written and audio notes from our members. So please send them in. Yes, you can literally take your phone out right now, record a question that you want us to answer live on the podcast, on your voice notes, on your voice memos, send it to podcast at matthewhussy.com. Keep it to 30 seconds, no longer than 60 seconds, and we will play it out loud on the podcast and answer it. If you are a Love Life member,

you get front of the line access to this. So we are picking from our Love Life members first and foremost, but do send in your questions, podcast at matthewhussy.com. And also we wanna read some emails from people who are just having fun experiences listening to the show, silly experiences listening to the show, interesting little anecdotes, not too long, but you know, send them to podcast at matthewhussy.com.

We would love to hear from you. Uh, there was one here from Marissa who says, hello, Matthew, Audrey, and Stephen. I just wanted to start by saying, thank you. I've been a long-term listener and appreciate the amazing advice. All three of you have provided over the years. The new podcast format has been really fun to listen to. Well, that's very validating, isn't it? Uh, it feels very laidating, isn't it?

It feels very laid back and inviting. It's like sitting on a couch with your best friends who tell you like it is and hold you to a higher standard in the most loving way possible. The addition of Steve's sleeves as a segment, or as I call it in my head, and now it's time for silly situations with Steven. That's pretty accurate.

Not always silly. And yes, it's the Veggie Tales narrator's voice, obviously. I feel it wraps up the end of the episode like a perfect little bow. Marissa. Well, there you go. We've got a, that's a thumbs up, I think, for Steve Sleeves. And with that in mind, David, are you sticking with the same jingle for Steve Sleeves or have you got something else up your jingle sleeve? No, I'm going to do the old jingle because just by saying that I forgot what was forming. But I have something to do. Sight himself out.

I have something next episode. There's going to be a new one. But I'm just going to go with the same one because I think it actually worked pretty well. But don't be bereaved. You know, we can't leave it's time for another episode of Steve Sleeves Well, thank you David Hello everyone. We're gonna play a little game. We've been talking about relationship. What makes a relationship successful? We're gonna play a little game of overrated, underrated. So I'm gonna give you some classic pieces of advice

that make a great relationship. You're gonna tell me overrated, underrated or appropriately rated. Okay, scheduling a standing weekly date night. Underrated. Underrated, it's quite a popular piece of advice. Yeah, I was going to say it's appropriately rated. So it's good stuff.

That's appropriately rated. Appropriately rated, I think. Okay, fair enough. You don't have to change your answer. Just because everybody else in the room... Then I realized it is probably one of the most played out pieces. I happen to think it's true it's a good thing but it's very played out as a piece of advice. I think once a week is quite

a tall order. Yeah it is. But should we change it to fortnightly? I think fortnightly is more manageable. Let's start fortnightly and then work your way up to once a week. Once a week sounds immediately overwhelming. Okay going to bed at the same time every night. Underrated. Underrated. Really? That's important. I think it's important. I really believe in the power of going to bed together. It does cause some little frictions in the evening because Audrey wants to watch another episode of The Pit.

And I want to go to bed because I've got Jiu Jitsu at 6.m. in the morning. Yeah, you're quite an early bedtime man. I'm a bit of a night owl so sometimes it's tricky for me but it is nice when you get in bed at the same time. Oh, I know when I get a work related email from you at 2 a.m. Okay, doing some kind of annual or quarterly state of the union relationship check-in. Probably underrated I would say.

Because how many people are really doing that? Yeah, exactly. And I think sometimes you might be in a relationship where those kinds of conversations happen organically along the way, but if you're, if you feel like that's not really how things work in your relationship, I think having an intentional time in the diary to actually talk about things is really good.

Lee Cockerill, who was the ex, oh god, he was like the manager of parks at Disney years ago, I think I'm getting his title right, he was managing thousands and thousands of people. He said that he doesn't believe in yearly reviews of staff because if you need a yearly review, you are not giving your staff feedback nearly often enough that you owe them feedback when it comes to you, not constantly deferring things you want to say to them until some time once a year when all of a sudden you're going to tell them everything you've been thinking over the course of the year. And I think that ties into what you've said, Audrey,

that if you're waiting once a year to tell your partner, like if that is subconsciously, you've got all these things, you're saving for a time when you're gonna say them to your partner, you're probably not saying them nearly often enough throughout the year. I don't actually have a problem with a kind of annual review where you get a bit more high level, but I do think it shouldn't be an excuse for not giving feedback throughout the year. Okay. Never going to bed angry.

Oh, I don't believe in that. Overrated. Overrated. Yeah, overrated. You should go to bed angry because when you sleep, all of your emotions dissipate. And you actually... I've really... This is such a generic piece of advice, but when people say sleep on it, like your brain actually learns how to filter out the raw unnecessary emotion and just like distill it down to the practicality of the situation.

And I think when it comes to arguments, like the whole thing that keeps us stuck is the fact that we have all of these emotions that are stuck. And so I think sleeping on it and then waking up, you always feel differently about it. And so I love going to bed angry. It's my favorite.

Where are they going? They're in bed with you. You saw that? Don't get on a ferry angry. But you know, I want- It's a good one. I want to get on a- Also, also- Don't go on a, you know- A helicopter angry.

Don't go on a tour of Afghanistan angry. But you know, if you're not gonna see them for three months or six months, but don't go to sleep, you're gonna see them in seven hours. I think where it comes from though, is this idea that then the next day you wake up and you don't resolve it. And so what I do think is you should go to bed angry

if you can't resolve it and then you have to wake up and talk about it when you have a fresh ahead. But you shouldn't just ignore it the next day and pretend like it didn't happen. Don't, make sure you resolve the fight before going into your day the next day. Yeah. And don't get on a ferry angry.

It's also very hard to resolve fights at 2 a.m. when you're tired. It's not very good time to argue. I don't know you're sending work emails at 2am. Moving on. Got the energy for that. Wearing matching holiday onesies for the entire month of December. The entire month? What do you mean? Answer the question. In the daytime what do you mean? Okay wearing matching holiday onesies for three days in December. Oh I think it's nice. Yeah, so it's appropriately rated, I reckon, because there's quite a lot of that on Instagram,

isn't there? Mm-hmm, okay. I don't know if it moves a needle that much. The yearly review thing is definitely an Instagram thing. You know where like a couple will post about, they'll do like a sort of, you know, a montage, like they'll put a camera on the wall and it's like me and my partner doing our yearly review of our

Relationship and our goals going forward and everyone watching it just goes I've never done that in my life It's one those things barely anyone actually does I think I think we should you could do like a Spotify wrapped You know or how Spotify every year like goes through You could do that for your relationship. Yeah. And then post that on Instagram. Role-playing the entire grocery run in fake accents. What? Underrated.

Probably underrated because no one does it. What, hang on. But we, so it could be worth doing. Role-playing. You know, you have a bit of fun on your grocery run. Let's do it in funny voices. Gotta go and get a couple of Brussels sprouts today. Are you gonna get some Velveeta?

I think a little chocolate pudding in the fridge wouldn't go amiss. So everyone's going as New Zealanders. Little bit of pud? Bit of pud, mate. Yeah, that's great. Let's not do that. Let's not do that.

Okay. Well, Matt's saying underrated. I severely underrated. Underrated. No. No phone rule at the dinner table. Underrated. Underrated. No phone rule at the dinner table. Underrated. Underrated.

Occasionally sleeping in separate beds for better rest. I don't know what the advice, you know, what's the consensus on, people say like you should sleep in the same bed, don't they? A lot, but I, but I'm, no, but that's what I'm going to, that's where I was going is like, I think. Some people say separate bathrooms is good for couples. If you can have separate baths, I think there's a, there's a logic to that. I think there's a real mystery. Exactly. Little desire. You're not, you know, having the, what makes a date sexy at the beginning of dating someone

is you're not seeing the, you know, you're not seeing the actors backstage preparing for the performance. You just, they come out and you see the Broadway show and that's what you came for. Um, so I think, I'm, I think the bathrooms thing is interesting, although, you know, I mean, how many people have this much space in their house where they can just start having separate bathrooms? Although I, but the sleep thing I think is incredibly personal. bathrooms. Although I, but the sleep thing I think is incredibly personal.

And I don't think anyone should lightly weigh in on people's relationship decisions around being in the same bed. Cause you just have no idea what's going on with people's sleep, with people's, you know, breathing, you know, snoring, needs for space in certain moments. I think that's a very personal decision. Okay. Texting each other, good morning, good night check-ins. No, I don't, I think overrated. I agree.

I agree with that. Audrey will say underrated. I think unnecessary. I love the way you said that. I like doing it because I want to do it, not because I feel it's an obligation. Yeah, with the exception of being long distance. I think if you're long distance,

actually the bookmark of the day is really important. But what if you've gone away on, like you've gone back to London for a few days? Well, you know how I feel about that. I tell you off every time, because I'm like, can you just text me telling me you've gone to sleep? Because otherwise I don't know. time because I'm like, can you just text me telling me you've gone to sleep? Because otherwise I don't know.

Yeah, but I like, but it makes me feel it's sort of a bit like trapped. I have to send this message. And I like the feeling of like going to bed, not just not sending that text. It's like sort of living, like really living. I'm free. Well, listen.

I don't want it in life. I just like when you're away, it's like a Macaulay Culkin jumping on the bed eating popcorn. You can't tell Macaulay Culkin after jumping on the bed, throwing popcorn into his mouth to quickly make that call, to quickly send that message. It's just, it's off themetopic, it's off-theme.

Well, I think, I don't think it's like- Sorry, Steve, we've got- Not sure what's going on right now. Something about home alone. I don't think it's like a deal breaker, but I think there's something nice about it that keeps you tethered and connected. And I actually am of the opinion

that if you're long distance, whether it's a, you know, you've gone away or whether you're actually long distance, you know, like generally in life with somebody, I think that actually having those early morning and late night touch points and then not needing to check in during the day is much more powerful because you know

that they're thinking about you first thing in the morning and before bed and then that way you don't feel like you kind of need anything from them during those times in between so I actually... That's different though because they're not spending all their time together the rest of the time. Yeah like I don't really text you a lot when I'm away in the day but I always text you when I wake up and go to sleep because I think it's nice. If I don't send you a message at the end of the night I'll probably send you one in the morning. Oh thank you. Good to know.

I'm going away this weekend, so I'm gonna be watching out for all this. Weekly household chore swap, doing each other's least favorite task. So you would be loading the dishwasher, and I would be? Unloading the dishwasher. I don't mind loading it, I don't like unloading it.

So you would be unloading the dishwasher. What would I be doing? Everything else. It's a bit inefficient to do each other's least favorite tasks. That is such a false represent. You will take that back and you will tell people now that that is a false representation of me.

I will not have this stereotyped caricature of me being this oafish caveman around the house who doesn't do anything. You will correct this now. As we've established, Matt is a very clean man. He cleans up a lot. I clean up. Thank you, Steven. You are one of the cleanest men I know.

I'm very tidy. I've been tidying up after you a lot recently. So don't even, you don't even start. It's unbelievable. Well, thanks for playing everyone. That's our game. We didn't even do that one. Like we can't even figure out what it's rated.

Cause my ribs are hurting from laughing. Was that overrated? I don't think, I think, I think we're done. I think we're done. Question mark. Well, thanks for playing everyone. Da da da da. I think we're done. Question mark.

Well, thanks for playing everyone. Da da da da. Don't forget to go and sign up to the brand new event, Dating Made Simple, that's happening on the 20th of May. You can sign up at lovelifetraining.com. This is going to be a really exciting event for anyone who is looking for love but feels like it's the Wild West out there.

They keep running into people they don't really like or that they like, but it never goes anywhere. No one seems to want to commit. You're struggling to get momentum in the early stages of dating. You want a relationship, but my God is dating horrible. If any of that describes your state of mind around this, make sure you were there on May 20th. I'm going to make it much, much more simple

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