Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 312: The #1 Reason They Keep Losing Interest in You After 3 Months

Episode Date: September 3, 2025

Have you ever wondered why so many relationships seem to fizzle out around the three-month mark? In this week’s episode, Matthew, Audrey, and Stephen tackle the infamous “three-month curse” in dating. They explore why this milestone often becomes a breaking point, the hidden dynamics that lead to early breakups, and how unspoken needs or mismatched intentions can derail even the most promising connections. Plus, they share actionable advice to help you navigate this tricky phase and build relationships that last. If you’ve ever felt stuck in a cycle of short-lived relationships, this episode will give you the clarity and tools to break free. Links: ►► Try Matthew AI for free and get personalized coaching anytime: AskMH.com ►► Join the Matthew Hussey Weekend Retreat (in person in Miami or virtual): MHRetreat.com   ►► Use our link at WeNatal.com/LoveLife for a free month’s supply of WeNatal’s Magnesium with your first subscription (worth $35!) It’s a premium magnesium supplement designed to support relaxation, digestion, and overall well-being. Formulated with four bioavailable forms of magnesium.   ►► Best sleep of your life? Yes, please. Support your mental health AND snag 40% off Cozy Earth sheets with code LOVELIFE at CozyEarth.com.

Stephen, what do you know about three-month curse in dating? Oh, it's just a spooky episode. Oh, we should have done it for Halloween. We're too early. Well, I mean, people put up their Halloween decorations, you know, stores have their Halloween merch. Months, basically it's already there, isn't it? This is a Halloween episode. Now, you and David were rummaging around on Reddit, like the little Reddit monkeys you are.

And you found this particular post about the three-month curse. Yes. and says, give me hope, please. Not one to post that often, but I'm feeling particularly dishearted and could do with some hope and happy stories to read. I'm straight, 32-year-old female. My last long-term relationship was eight years ago. Admittedly, I had some pretty major, some traumatic life events that I've had to work through, have worked hard on my self-esteem and mindset, had lots of therapy, moved to a new city, started my dream career. I am so, so happy and proud of the life I've created. I don't need a relationship to be happy, but I would

love to meet a like-minded person to share my lovely life with. I'm quite a romantic affectionate person. It's that aspect that I miss. Regardless of whether I meet a guy in person or online, we never get past the three-month mark, hence the curse. No matter the person, the approach, the pace, the circumstances, it never lasts longer than that. I'm aware it's common these days, particularly in online dating, but it is just so deflating. I'm trying not to take it personally, and I'm making light of it by calling it le curse. Wait, did they say le curse? No, I just added it because I have a French wife. But it's beginning to feel like a curse. I would love to hear anyone's stories who has experienced something similar who eventually broke said curse and is

in a happy long-term relationship now just need some hope before I give up completely well you guys broke the curse and now you have a baby coming I don't think I ever experienced a three-month curse I certainly experienced like an 18 month like a two-year curse I was going to say I think I more commonly had relationships end about 12 to 18 months I was a real 18-month Oh, that 18 month, though, is. Yeah. What were 18 months? When I had doubts and I wasn't, I knew it wasn't the right relationship, I didn't, I didn't act on it once I knew.

I didn't listen to myself. I think like three months is deciding we are going to go past. You've probably been on a few dates by then, maybe even like seven or eight, slept over a few times, seeing each other more regularly. And I think then someone says, hold. on is this is this a thing and then the 18 month one is more like is this person going to be my partner should we move in do i want to go there do i want to give them that kind of like certainty or do i actually now want to bail and i feel like they're two like parachute moments 18 months is definitely a parachute moment i think sort of 18 months to two years you're sort of like

am i so are we doing this yeah because three months you haven't had enough to actually see everything about who they are you haven't seen all their bad habits you haven't seen what they're like to be with long term three months is where you're like am i happy enough am i do i like this person enough to actually start investing now and be exclusive and meet all their friends and do all the boyfriend girlfriend stuff so you think that's the curse well i think the curse is that people find it that's the moment where they're most likely to get someone say i don't see this going anywhere, or they just drop off, or they fade out. But three months is kind of a long time to do that, don't you guys think?

I think it depends how much you've been seeing each other in that three months. But I do think it's the time when if you haven't already, you really start talking about relationships. The thing is, is possible to hide your intentions on both sides for the first three months. That's what I think. If you're the person who wants a relationship badly, it's possible for you to sort of, shield someone from those intentions for three months while you just have a good time in dating and play it cool and play it cool if you're someone who definitely doesn't want a relationship

it's possible for you to hide that truth from someone for three months while you play romantic while you play you know house so it's on both sides it's quite easy to just ignore differences in intentions during that time because you're both it's like you're both you both have a license that's the way I see it it's like both you have a license to not be heavy because you're just seeing where it goes and having a good time and you there's it's not the time for that yet and they have a license to not be honest about the fact that they don't want a relationship because they're just seeing where it goes and having a fun time and you know so it's like You know, three months in is that time where usually needs show up.

Like someone actually starts thinking, I'm kind of starting to get not happy knowing what, not knowing what this is. And people are asking you. So are you with them? Yeah. Yeah. You're starting talking to your friends and you keep saying, oh, I'm seeing this person. And they're like, so are they your boyfriend? Are they your girlfriend?

Or what's going on? And you're like, oh, I don't. Well, yeah, kind of. I mean, we're seeing each other all the time and so on. And then you go away and a seed of doubt has been planted in your mind. And so now you go back to the person and you're like, so, you know, it was just my friends were asking the other day, like about, you know, like what we are. And I was like, oh, I'm not really sure, you know, and he had that conversation.

And then it ended. I relate to that. That happened to me. Le curse. The curse has happened to me. Le curse. Le curse. But also I think the, if the person doesn't want a relationship and, you know,

they are coming across somebody who's playing it cool. It's kind of the perfect thing because then the person who's playing it cool isn't necessarily, you know, like expressing their needs along the way and then it's coming all at once in this kind of three months mark, which is why everything then kind of falls apart at that point

because it's the first time you actually express. By the way, I really like you and I think this could be something. Do you agree? Do you like me too? And the more avoidant you are, and I don't mean avoidance just in the sense of they can be avoidant in the sense that they just don't want relationship and they don't want to get close but you can be avoidant in the sense that you don't want to have a hard conversation about what this is or you're afraid to get honest you don't want

and the more you're both avoidant in that sense you communicating and them with commitment the more the three-month curse can be the six-month curse or the nine-month curse well we did put up a poll we asked at what point do you see your relationships most commonly end less than a month three months six months one year and you know I there is there is something to be said for this curse le curse because it would curse be la le or la in French it would be low but I can't think of the word for it chaos it's not curse so there is something to look at there is something to look at because 17% of people said less than a month 20% of people said six months 27% people of people said one year and 37% of people said three months.

Wow. Three months. Lecars. Interesting. So what is it? What is this? I actually don't intuitively because when we were doing this episode I was like this makes intuitive sense and I actually believe it to be true that a lot of relationships

end around that time. But we were really trying to think about like what actually makes it so, right? Like obviously the need stuff, not communicating your needs early on enough and not doing it in such a way that by the time you you know it either organically evolves or you're able to have the conversation of what are we without it ending but what other reasons do you think there's this real sticking point in that time well i i truly believe that those are the big ones because it's a key kind of that's a key make or break point is when you actually see if your intentions are aligned and you can kind of

call that a curse or you can just call it the most one of the most difficult moments in dating it could just be a natural filter yeah like you have a filter in the first date you have a filter beyond that are you going to know and then the next filter is we're sleeping together and are we going to be a thing that's such a good point first date filter is do we am i attracted to you usually are you attracted to me yeah and are you attracted to me green light green light you know that do we enjoy spending time together green light for date two and three and four but there's like a certain point is are our intentions aligned and at that point someone is it's easy for someone to bail now look you might say because maybe this person is saying that the curse is not just that we get to three

months in and i discover they don't want a relationship and that i do and they'd be happy to seeing me if I was willing to compromise on that and just see them casually, but I'm not, so then it ends. But I'm not necessarily reading that. She says, we never get past the three-month mark, no matter what, it never lasts longer than that. She doesn't say why. And I'd be curious to know why that is. Because if someone is not wanting to continue seeing you pass the three-month mark, then you and you're like they don't even they're not even trying to have the halfway house they just don't want to see me anymore then i do think you have to kind of look at other factors well we actually asked people as a follow-up question to our poll whether or not

if they you know they had a specific time where things seemed to go wrong whether they could see a pattern emerging from their relationships like what was going on and someone said which you know really kind of speaks to what you guys are saying um the pattern they noticed is when they finally ask for more slash express their needs they pull away or say that they can't give more which is interesting because it's the fact that you're expressing it at at that moment in time that's suggestive of the fact that the moment after three months that i finally express my needs that person doesn't doesn't reciprocate so in theory it's if you're expressing your needs early on before the three month mark you're probably going to be filtering out people sooner than that and then you'll

it as a curse at that point yeah i totally agree i you know the that i think that's one of the answers to to this is that you are you sharing thoughts and ideas and intentions and getting curious about each other along the way or are you sort of going that's all a conversation for another day let me just spend the next however many weeks and months enjoying this person's company and i i do think it's really it's tricky because if you're seeing someone let's just take a scenario you're seeing someone i think a good cadence to be seeing someone that you like is twice a week in the first like three to four weeks and by the way by the time you get to week three as long as you're not a long distance thing and that gets tricky because then it's like

We saw each other on week one and then they were away for the next two weeks. And then we saw that's different. That kind of messes up the cadence, which is why long distance itself slows, it should slow down a relationship. If you're not, if you're in the same town, you know, you have a nice date with someone. You really enjoy each other's company. It was fun. You saw them on a Friday.

When's the next time you're going to see them? I mean, you might be the kind of person that says, let's do something next Friday. I know for me in that scenario, I'd be like, if I like someone, I'd kind of want to see them tomorrow. I won't push for that because, you know, I don't want to be too full on, but like tomorrow would be the best time to see someone I just had a great time with. And if not, it would be like, I'm kind of half joking, but not.

But in real terms, I know, you're not joking because when you and I were first dating, I'm the same as you and we were both like, see you tomorrow, see you tomorrow, see you tomorrow. And then we just saw each other like every single day for four, five weeks. You're both little attached things, aren't you? But listen, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that that's right. Don't do, don't do that though. That's not a, that's not good model. No, but the point I'm making is that there's nothing, like, if you had a great date with someone,

you don't have to wait a week to see them. You could be like you had a great date on a Friday. For sure. What are you doing the next few nights? We should do something again. You know, like, and if it's, oh, I'm free Monday night, let's do something Monday night. Like, and if you had a great time there, you'd probably be like, I'm around this weekend if you wanted to hang. You know, you might see them again that week.

So already you're in a cadence of a couple of times a week. And you might get in a cadence of more than that. So that, that's, okay, now you're seeing each other over the, over a four weeks. week period. Let's say you've seen each other eight times in four weeks. And you're starting to, like, that's enough time to start to get a real sense of each other. It's not enough time to know the character of a person because character, as we always say, character gets revealed over time. Well, three months is long enough for the mask to drop a bit. For three months. And you start seeing little cracks. If you're seeing someone regularly, three months is definitely enough for the mask

to drop and or for the mask to slip. And that's when the avoidant will be like, hmm, they're not perfect like I thought. Well, that's true. And that's an interesting. You're kind of bringing in another point here, which is like if you are dating the kind of person who isn't ready for a real relationship, three months is enough time for that person to find something wrong with you. And someone who's not ready for a real relationship will bail when they find anything

that's not ideal or it doesn't perfectly suit their needs right now like what they want right now yeah there's some form of compromise to be made or they you know there's a little thing that is like not exactly the way you'd want it to be or whether and you like just find a way to bail because you're like ah no this isn't it as some of you guys know by now I'm pregnant and I wanted to share with you something that I've been taking throughout my pregnancy, and that is we natal prenatal vitamins. I actually started taking these prenatal vitamins a year and a half before getting pregnant. And the reason I started taking them was because of the hair, skin and nail benefits I read online. So I did some research into prenatal vitamins and we natal are the best of the best.

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guys have found to go uh no not not for me you once shared the rat queen story but that's actually a pretty big thing so i get that it's not petty that's like i mean it was a bit it was very judgmental it's judgmental but it's not petty it's not like not a day goes by when i don't think we could have worked he says to his six-month pregnant wife for anyone who doesn't know this this was a story of me having gone on a date with someone and learning that they had rats and me kind of just being as pets they didn't live in a filth a filth dead yeah and by the way so it's an important disclosure that they're trying to take you know they're trying to figure out how to get rid of so it's i know she kept rats as pets and i i i for

whatever reason at the time was just a bit like oh i don't think this is for me i didn't say that but i just you know we didn't see each other again uh that was a after date one and i i i do think that was a very that was a judgmental thing of me but you know i was i was young i was not ready for a real relationship i was finding any any old excuse to to rule someone out i think i did that a lot i think when I was younger, I found all sorts of superficial, stupid reasons to not give a proper try. I agree. Same. And I think part of that is just that almost that feeling of, oh, God, I don't know, when you're at a stage of your life where you're not yourself taking the process seriously

and when you don't think that you're in any kind of hurry. and so there's almost a I think a slight arrogance and an entitlement to that stage of the process where you kind of feel entitled to just everything that you want yeah and then if someone doesn't represent everything that you want you sort of just go uh you know not not not I don't think this is it I feel like in 20 year old date this is from a subreddit dating over 30 but I see a lot of videos from people who are like 20 and dating, and it seems to be like even more ruthless early on. Oh, 20's dating is ruthless.

Where it's just like, they want to know income first. They want to like, you know, status, job, compare, height, you know, match up. And what do you do? Where's your prospects? And I'm like, that's like, it's like before they've even gone on the date. Do you reckon 22 year old you would have found a reason to sort of, like just you know you put i reckon you would have had a bit of fun with me but do you reckon like you would have found a reason to not settle at that point oh god that's so hard to say no i think don't

answer that i don't need to know no i think you know what i think i think might have made me go like we're not quite the right match is that i think already so painful i think i might have thought you were too serious like because you like work really hard and you're like which I am the same now but I think when I was 22 I was just like not about that life this is very triggering for me Matt literally a minute ago said he there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't think about rat rat girl whether it would have worked no no no he's getting all sensitive no but I'm the same as you now someone once someone once actually said to me a very long time ago when I asked why we broke up, it was because I was boring.

No, no, but I don't think you're boring. You were a serious man from a young age. And young fun, Audrey, she was at festivals, she was part-year. She was in the London club scene. I would have tried. No, actually. I mean, yeah. Big time. Stephen has his image of me.

It's hilarious. She was the toast of London, and you were in your apartment trying to make YouTube videos. That is not true. That is not true. He was more into the clubs. I could have done the clubs. The festivals weren't for me. Yeah, the festival.

I just, I never, I did a couple and then I just was like, I think I'm done. That's fair enough. I didn't, the toilets, the tents. It's a lifestyle choice. Sweaty armpits everywhere. I just, it wasn't, it wasn't my thing. That's fair enough. But I think, I think that would be the reason why it wouldn't have worked.

And that was not, yeah, well, you know what? Yeah, but you probably would have gone, oh, she's not serious, she's just like... Probably. She's just like having fun, partying. She's not taking her life seriously enough. Yeah, that's what I would have been like. Guys, we are back in the UK right now,

and we are staying, me and Audrey, in my mum's guest room. And I love my mum's house very much. But I'll tell you what my mum's guest room. does not have the silky bamboo sheets that we use from Cozy Earth when we are back in our home in Los Angeles. And we haven't been sleeping as well. And there's even been a little bit of beef between me and Audrey on our Instagram stories reflecting to the world the fact that we're not sleeping as well. We use Cozy Earth's sheets in our home in L.A. and we sleep so much better.

We have committed in the last year to bringing you more of the things that we love, and these bed sheets are one of the things that we love. I also, frankly, just love sleeping well. I have come to really, really value sleep at this point in my life more than ever. It is one of my pillars of mental health. And so anything that helps me sleep better is part of one of the most important parts of my mental health. The cozy earthbed sheets are that for us. you can get 40% off of these sheets at CozyEarth.com by using the code Love Life at Checkout. We've also been collecting other things from the website because we've been using this code for ourselves too.

We've got this blanket that's so soft. It's called the bubble cuddle blanket. We're actually putting it in our baby's room, which is super cute. So whether it's a gift for yourself or for somebody else, go grab something today at cozyearth.com. And don't forget to use the code Love Life at Checkerth. out for an amazing 40% discount. It really is a big discount, which is why me and Audrey have been using it so much for ourselves. So go check it out, cozy earth.com. Now, back to the episode. One point I do want to say is it you shouldn't take these that personally. Like it can feel really

personal, but it can often just be like, this is the sign that you. you weren't matching. And it does kind of take a couple months of dating sometimes to completely it's like, it's better that it's a three-month curse than the eight-month curse. Eight months is a long time. But if someone's getting to this stage, they're actually doing a lot right. You've got people who want to see you for three months. If someone's saying to me, I can't even get on a second date with someone. That's a much trickier problem than someone saying, I go on three months, but then they realize they don't want a relationship. There's more to, you know, say, okay, you're doing a lot right you're getting attraction you're connecting with someone that you are interesting

enough that people want to be in your company for a while you are good at you know displaying your best traits that someone's intrigued or wants to sleep with you or whatever so i don't i i do think there's so much like we do just take rejection super personally and especially here it can feel really acute because you might have slept with them get to know them a bit and it can really feel like what happened well what i will say three months is enough time i think to feel like you you know really really like someone even love them yeah so i do think that from that perspective it's it's it's tough it is and you've thought about maybe a future already especially if you've been together you know a lot through that time i do think though there's something that should be said around this

which we haven't said, which is three months is also enough time for someone to get a real sense of the fact that we don't believe in ourselves or that we don't think that we're a catch or that we truly doubt our ability to hold on to someone. that's interesting and human beings are we need to be we need our certainty to be directed and amplified we're looking for people around us to enhance our sense of certainty true and when when we like there are there are not that many people on earth who have such a strong sense of their own judgment, their own what they want and who they're, what they're all about and what they like when they find it. There are very few people who are like that, who like almost in a vacuum just know what they want and they see it and they're like,

yep, you, I know, I don't need any other opinions. Very few people operate like that. What happens for most people is that they like someone or they get, those feelings like oh that was a fun date i enjoyed that and then they may not even be fully consciously aware of that they're just like it flew by and i seemed to feel comfortable and i had a nice time and we're almost looking now for a validation of that feeling and so sometimes the person themselves validates that feeling you know they they might in the course of texting us between dates maybe they say something playfully cheeky or flirtatious you know you might have uh you might

reach out to them and say where are you know let's say they someone reaches out to you and says uh where are you or what are you up to and use text them back and you say why i miss me in that moment it's like an amplification of their certainty mm-hmm Because you're teaching them that you have a certainty about yourself that you believe in your own appeal enough to make a joke like that. And you're joking, but not joking. And so when they feel that, they go, ooh, like, I'm validated in thinking that I was looking, I wanted to speak to this person. They're valid. If I said, what are you up to and you are like, oh, my God, I'm so glad you texted me.

I hadn't heard from you. they might be going oh you haven't amplified my certainty that's really interesting in fact you've stoked my uncertainty because you seem uncertain but if you someone says you know you say what you're up to and someone says why miss me like little smiley face all of a sudden you've amplified their certainty it could come from sometimes it's other things sometimes you show a picture of someone to your friends and you're like I went on a date last night and they're like how was it and you're like yeah I had a fun time they show me a picture and then your friends see a picture and they're like oh i bet you did they're gorgeous you go oh amplification of certainty or that person they meet your friends for the first time

and your friends have a really good time with them and like he's really cool or she's really cool like i've really enjoyed her company amplification of certainty all these little moments sometimes the amplification of certainty comes from us having a certain standard where we say like hey I really want to see you this weekend, but, you know, I haven't really heard from you since the last date and I'm kind of, you know, I was, you know, I'm doing my thing and I'm hanging out, you know, with different people and whatever and I hadn't heard from you. So I, you know, I didn't really know we were still on. You know, oh, this person has standards, amplification of certainty. And the point I'm making is that in three months, you can either do a lot to amplify someone's

certainty about you and a lot to hurt someone's certainty about you. None of that is necessarily based on, you know, when people say like, I have a great life, I have a great career, I have hobbies, I have friends, I have this, I have that, I have done therapy, I've got my this, like when people do that, they're kind of like going through a laundry list of things that on paper mean that you have kind of got your life figured out. But it's entirely possible to have all of those things and still really have someone's certainty deteriorate around you because what you sub-communicate beneath all of that is that you are not certain of yourself or your ability to hold on to someone. We want to be with someone who on some level knows they're a catch.

Like you say, that gives us comfort and certainty. okay they know there were something and i believe that and also not just they know because you can actually be with someone who is a catch but has self-worth issues but you want someone you want you want to be told externally that you have you're with a catch if that makes sense like you want that to be validated externally because i think it the point you made about the friends i think is really interesting you know i i often think this It's like if somebody, if you really like somebody and you're trying to make a good impression, win the people that they love over. Yep.

Like that is like such an easy way to have almost like this amazing PR campaign going on in background for you. We went to, earlier now, like when we were just starting out, we went to see a friend of ours or a friend of mine who's become a friend of yours. and it's a family that we know in LA and we went over to them it's a husband and wife and their kids were there and I remember Audrey was at the table with us and at one point you went to like play with the little girl and I was at the table with just our two friends John and Amy

and John looked at me and he said, you can't let this one go. And that's why he married us. Yeah, he married. He ended up marrying us. But he, you know, he had known you for 20 minutes or 30 minutes at that point, I think, maybe an hour. We'd hung out and ate lunch.

And he just looked at me and he was like, you can't let this one go. And Amy, his wife, like, looked at me and she was so funny. She was like, I mean, this is, she's like the one, right? like she's the one she was like I don't want to overstep but like she's she this is like and that was a huge implication of certainty for me because these are two people I love and trust who I really value their opinions and it is it would be nice to say that that stuff didn't matter and that it didn't make any difference but it did make a difference to have people say that to me I was like oh that feeling I'm having is not just I'm not just having that in isolation in my own mind like people get it they're

validating what I'm feeling so that amplification of certainty is a real thing and we can I think it's it's kind of an important practical lesson to realize that the people around someone that they love and trust are important people to truly connect with when you get the chance not in a way where you're overdoing it that can backfire but in a way where you just are showing up as your best self but even more than that the point i'm making is that we can be our worst advocate we can be the we can actually do more to harm someone's certainty than anyone else by the subtle ways that we question ourselves or where the relationship is going or whether we're good enough or You know, we give off these, like, micro cues that start to make someone doubt themselves and their feelings.

Our job, it's almost like from the day we meet someone, our job is to, we have to see it as our job, not to be a passive kind of a passenger of the attraction, but it is actually our job to be an agent in amplifying their sense of certainty about us. And we have agency in being able to do that. Let's know what you think of le causs. How would you say the three-month curse? I'm going to look up curse, hang on. No, it's gauss. Oh, yes, mella diction. The melediction.

Meladiction. Meladiction. Meladiction. Meladiction. Meladiction. Meladiction. This is fun for the listeners. French, little French lesson.

We'll just go with chaos. Or as the French say, le carse. If you have an opinion on the three-month curse, have you experienced it? Is there any light you want to shed on it from your point of view? Have we missed something about why this happens? Email us podcast at Matthew Hussey.com. We want to hear from you. This is an email that be sent in.

Hi, Matthew. I have only today called Time on my relationship with a man. I cannot believe that I became involved. He lied online and after nine months I discovered he was married. I don't know why and it is something that I have frequently questioned but I continued my relationship with him for over five years. Your podcast has really helped me today. Focus and everything you said reinforced my decision. I now fully understand why it has been so difficult to end it, although I have ended it so many times before. And that is from B.

Thank you so much, B, for emailing in. It means a lot to us. And we've all done things that we look back on and go, I can't believe I engaged with that situation or that person for that long. I would never do that today. You know, how did I miss so much? Or how did the truth of that situation elude me for so long? it's you know i truly believe we're all going to have our version of that in our lives and

you know it's a wonderful opportunity to practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness when we do that and and to define our character by what we do today rather than living in regret and shame of what we did yesterday all right it is time for love life line where our love life coaching members members, get the chance to ask us a question on the podcast. For anyone, by the way, who is not a member, if you'd like to become a member of LoveLife, you can go to join Lovelife.com. We have live Q&A sessions with me, with Stephen, with Audrey, a treasure trove of courses. Matthew A.I. is included, so you can get coached by me, unlimited, as much as you want over the

course of a year. So join Lovelife.com is that link. you want to become a member today. All right, let's play the message. Hi, Matthew Hussie team. This is Elena. I have a question regarding relationships. I've been single for a while and now I'm in a relationship and sometimes there are all situations where I feel like my boundaries are crossed or I get triggered. Usually I bring it up straight away but I feel like it's taking it all on the relationship. So I'm wondering how. How can I bring things up that I don't like and how often can I bring things up that I don't like

before it is nagging or being overly critical? And would you say it's better to still be a little bit observing if this is the right relationship or should I be more proactive and set my boundaries from the start even though it has only been a short time thank you that's a really good question Elena thank you so much for sending it in it's such an important question because it's you know how quickly do you bring up the things that you don't like we can feel like we're being like immediately we're being the person who is nagging this person who we're not even entitled to nag at this point and we're like or we're judging or

picking apart this person's behavior and we don't even know them that well yet we're just in the getting to know each other phases so do i quietly note that thing that i didn't like or do i say something it is a delicate balance um i'm curious audrey because you're always really strong when it comes to boundaries what's your opinion on how how soon is too soon to say you don't like something And I want to move on to the point about frequency as well. If she keeps getting triggered and now feels like, you know, how, what's, what's the right amount of this to do? And is there a point at which I just say, well, this clearly isn't working if I'm getting triggered this much? We'll come on to that.

But how early do you think is too early to say I'm not happy with something that just happened? I think very, very early stages, your kind of goal should be to have fun with this person to work out whether all you. you know whether or not you want to be with them and to make a good impression so unless it was something massively egregious like i don't know they were really late for a date and didn't acknowledge it or they you know got really drunk and were rude or something like that something that made me feel really uncomfortable i personally wouldn't necessarily bring it up i would almost note it and like kind of bank it and just see if it happens again and if it's a pattern and if it's a pattern then I would at that point either decide whether or not I want to be with

them even though this pattern is emerging or whether or not I want to bring it up that's that's my take I think it's really important to communicate your standards but I think standards are not about almost trying to change the other person it's more working out whether or not we want to let that person in in the beginning and that's an important shift for us to make but sometimes we we find ourselves in the difficult position of being like I'm I don't feel like what just happened is a big enough reason to stop seeing them but if I don't air it it's going to like now play on my mind and it's going to get in my way it's going to hinder my ability to be present and be my normal joyful happy self what do you say to people who because that's what getting triggered does that right it

makes us feel like we're no longer able to be present and fully be ourselves and our nervous system is craving the closure of having voiced this thing and having had that person put us at ease again and then it's like now okay now I can carry on and be myself I've had that moment so many times where you and I have had those had those moments early on where I was like you know we've told the story before of like the time when i got jealous over something and then i went very quiet and i remember specifically us walking down the street and me not saying anything and no longer being a good partner in conversation and you knowing something was wrong and me not wanting to bring it up because i was like this is too i don't want to show that this has affected me

but I had been triggered and then we ended up having a fight about it because I ended up bringing it up in a not so productive way about two hours from that point all because by the way in that moment I couldn't get myself to just be like let me just note this and you know like see what happens when we get triggered it can be really hard to sort of rationally say let me note this and move on as opposed to I have to just get like I either have to get out of your company or I have to say something and it doesn't feel like there's any option in between.

I think there's a productive way to say it. And I think two things. I think first of all, if you are getting triggered over something that isn't the other person's fault, it's kind of on you. And so I do think you have to be a little bit careful about especially very early on putting that on the other person. When that happened with us, you and I would already know each other for many months. and I think we were exclusive and you know it's we were not at the very early stages where maybe you would have not felt so comfortable to bring that up because you wouldn't have been so invested so I do think we have to check ourselves in the very early stages because I think

what we run the risk of doing is coming across like we're just nagging and picking having said that I think there's a really good rule that I try to live by and sometimes often fail but I try to live by it, which is, and I don't want to take credit for this. I don't know where I heard it, but it's something that I heard somewhere and I've taken with me. It's like if something bothers me, I go, if this still bothers me 24 hours from now, then I'll bring it up. Because especially if you're someone who's very sensitive, lots of things can bother you. So in the moment, I would argue you and I are at the point in our relationship, our marriage, that I can just be like, when you said that it upset me and you'll go, oh my God, I'm sorry. and then we just move on and it's done and it's very like not a thing but in the early stages

it does often become more of a thing because you're kind of learning each other and so I think that what I think is important to do is to go you know I'm affected by this thing I'm going to hold on to it and if in 24 hours time I'm still thinking about it it's still bothering me it's affecting how I'm showing up then I'm going to bring it up and I'm going to say it in a way that's like can I talk to you about something this is really silly and not a big deal but I just I don't want to get resentful and so I just you know I want to be honest and just express how I feel when you said that thing it made me jealous and you know I appreciate that's probably just an overreaction on my part but also like maybe the way you said it wasn't the most you know like sensitive way of

addressing that like you I hope you can see from my side how that would make me feel and if you're the right person, they'll go, oh my God, I'm so sorry, I never meant to make you feel like that, of course, and they'll note that and they will work on that in themselves. If you're with someone who's, you know, defensive or as a gas lighter, you might get a different reaction. But I think that's the nuance here. How long you've been seeing each other, how much of it is your stuff and not actually anything to do with the other person? And is it really something that's going to bother you 24 hours from now? Or are you just in the throes of the emotion? Do you just just need to sleep on it, which is a generic thing to say, but sleeping gets rid of the emotion

and leaves you with the facts. And so sometimes it's just good to have a night's sleep. I do that with us. If you do something, and I don't want to have a big thing about it, I'll sleep on it. And literally eight times out of ten, I don't remember it the next day. I don't care. Yeah, and I think that's true. And there's like, there was that Warren Buffett thing where he said, if you want to, you can always tell your boss to go to hell tomorrow. so pause before you send an angry email you can always tomorrow tell them to go to hell but don't send the angry email first time you have the idea i'd not heard that before that's really good and i think the way you brought it up was the right thing because something is nagging if

someone just it feels like they're just telling you things that are wrong with you and that's when i think people go like i don't want to be made to feel like this person doesn't like parts of me like you know no one wants to feel like that it's just like well sorry that's me so whereas if you can communicate either look for a pattern like this has happened a couple of times so it is a pattern not a one-off thing and where i just felt impatient and angry so i lashed out but more like oh there's this pattern and be specific like when this happened then it makes me feel like x y like I asked to help you to help me do the dishes and stuff and you just didn't acknowledge it. And I felt like it made me feel like we weren't a team.

You know, in that moment you said, yeah, in a bit. And then you didn't tell me. Like, really be specific about the chain of events. And that's when you can start a mature conversation. But if you, if it just feels like you're always just pushing up everyone, every imperfection they have, everything they don't do that you, they do that you don't love, then, No one wants to be made to feel like they're not respected or not appreciated. Yeah, 100%.

It's really good. I love those answers. Can you talk very quickly because I know we have to move on to Steve's, but I really want to know about the frequency point, which we've kind of answered, but I just wonder if either of you have a point on that. I think of this sometimes in the way that I think of a, like a member of a team. Like if you're leading a team and one of those team members has done four things in the last two weeks that has bothered you, it may not be beneficial to have a conversation about all four right now because one of them might be a very little thing. Another one might have been something that's like not that important or it's a one-off. But there might be one thing or two things that are kind of the headline that is really worth addressing.

And rather than eviscerate someone around a whole bunch of different things all at once, it might be worth talking about the thing that you think is actually the biggest issue. and see how that plays out and see how that person responds. It doesn't mean you can never come back to the other things, but it might be that the other things are not, that, you know, maybe they go away. Maybe they're not that important, or maybe taking care of the big thing

might also have an effect on those things. But I do think to an extent we have to, like, pick our battles a little bit and recognize that, it's not we have to know the difference between the differences that really matter and the differences that don't and I that's where I think knowing the differences that matter knowing the differences that are going to truly affect your quality of life not the kind of differences that just feel a bit heightened because you happen to be in an inherently insecure stage of dating where the stakes feel high and you're a bit nervous

and you're easily triggered and your anxieties flare up easily. And like it's so if we're not careful, we can make someone responsible for making us feel safe and secure and, you know, like everything's fine in every given, in every moment. And I don't think we get to feel like that in the first few months of dating.

It is an inherently, you know, challenging time in, there is kind of like a push-pull to it sometimes. And sometimes, like, someone does in week five have a moment where they're like questioning things for a couple of days. And you don't hear from them very much. But it was just like a moment in time. And it was just, it's not that important in the grand scheme of things, you know, that. plenty of people are happily married today who in the first few months of dating there was you know a little bit of like you were more into me this week than than the week before or you were more sure of me that month. You called me a bit less. Yeah. Like time. And and and and sometimes it's

like he you know like yeah but that's my worst fear is that they're not actually as into me as I'd hope in that moment. But this comes back to that feeling of are you amplified? certainty or are you, uh, are you damaging their certainty? Because it's, that's what dating is like. You don't always know for sure that you're sure about someone. You, you're getting to know someone and it's a process and it's a journey and, and you can take, I think in dating, we can take too seriously the times where someone is not entirely sure about us. Like instead of almost sometimes waving them off like oh you're an idiot who doesn't know how great i am right now like oh you're the you're the idiot who hasn't figured out that i'm amazing i'll give you like i'll give you a few

more hours or days or a couple more weeks to figure that out i'm not going to take you too seriously right now so anyway that's how i think about it but you know have humility know that you're not perfect either, be self-aware about your own triggers and recognize, as you said, Audrey, when they're your triggers and you have to take responsibility for them. And when it's then, pick your battles. Get connected to the differences that really matter and the ones that don't, and focus on the ones that are the headlines. All right, it is that time. Oh my lord. Play the theme song. Don't be bereaved. You know that we can live without another episode of Steve Sleeves.

But da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-Bum Steve Sleaves. No, we have a theme song. You don't need to have a post-Theme-song theme song. It's my feature. It's his feature. Thank you, Audrey. You're welcome. Audrey's very on board with me lately with Steve's sleeves, and I love it.

What's this called? This is returning to an old standby, and usually we do a brand new feature every time. This is new, but it's a twist. Happily three months after, question mark. We have talked about Disney characters a lot. They're relationship prospects where the future is. Now we want to talk about the three months in. So producer David and I, he's not here, he's in L.A. at the moment,

but we've come up with some scenarios of Disney characters facing a three-month curse and we want you to say if it can last and how would you fix it if it can last? Now we did this before how is this different

from when we said whether they would make it before? Because he's going to give us a scenario because it's not just like, yeah, I'm giving you a scenario of a relationship challenge they're facing three months in. Just let Stephen do his thing.

Okay. You'll get it. Ariel, Little Mermaid and Prince Eric discover that communication around relationship logistics often has breakdowns. This has come to a head when Ariel forgets Eric's birthday. This has happened three months in. He should know.

He, no, she should know. She knew it was coming up. They're already in the flush of love. You saw a little mermaid. And she just completely doesn't acknowledge it. He's waiting. He's excited. He thinks this woman knows me so well.

well nothing not a sausage that's tough poor Eric hurtful yeah is that a deaf now or just a i wonder my no i see this is where i think what's really important is what when he comes to her and says hey i know we've only been together for three months but you know it like you didn't acknowledge my birthday and i i don't know how they do things down under the sea but they're on land up here birthdays are a bit of a thing i think i did not clock that i was like no stephen they're on land at this point but like you know it's it sucked that you didn't remember and it it kind of hurt my feelings and you know i just wanted to let you know how does she respond to that Because if she's like, oh, you know, like birthdays, yeah, oh, God, yeah, I was just doing this.

I was like drying my hair. Exactly. Well, she's like, oh, I am sorry about that. I, for me, birthdays are not. Yeah, then, then I'd be like a little, well, if she said, no, there's a way to do that. Is that better? Is that better? If she said to, like, I understand that, like, I'm learning you right now and I'm still learning what matters to you.

and I didn't realize that birthday was a big thing to you because, you know, where I'm from it's not like in my family it was never really a big thing. It was Sebastian's birthday two weeks ago didn't even like didn't even say a word to him you know, and it was fine.

You know, he didn't even, he didn't even have a get together. Like that's how we are with birthday. But I'm starting to learn that birthdays are really important to you and I really hear you and I'll, take account of that next time that's all right if she's just sort of like oh my god yeah we should

oh i'm sorry yeah like we should do like like oh i'll take you for a drink this friday or whatever it's like if she does that then she's probably not got the emotional sensitivity and empathy to be able to actually like eric is obviously a bit of a sensitive soul and these things are important to him and he's you know she's not going to be the person who really understands that And maybe that plays, because she does, like, you could imagine Ariel being a bit of a, like, sort of... Take her, not give her. And a bit, like, all over the place, a bit chaotic. She collects all these random things.

She hoards all of these, you know, things that are... She's a bit of a, like, collector who's just, like, all over the place and, like, you know... And Eric's, like, I've spent last three months trying to teach you how to drive and you'll forget my birthday. Oh, my God, it's like me and my early 20s and Matt in his early 20s. Eric Canary. he's on a ship like on highly coordinated strategic adventures that the stakes are really high works for some shipping company no but he's like used to like that that's not he's not just like out there doing it for fun he's like yeah yeah he's a shipping broker he's got responsibilities yeah he's got

responsibilities and he's used to things running on time and mattering he's like needs to know where he's going in life and she's down there collecting forks and spoons that fall in the water and Maybe she's like free-spirited and he's all ultra-organized and it just creates a lot of pain for him. So you just got to be careful. Is there, is it, do we say, are we saying cursed or not cursed? Do you think it can, they can break that curse? Depends on a reaction. Okay.

Meg finds that Hercules is really insecure in his ability to advocate for his own needs. She loses a little respect in how much he lets Philatides walk all over here. it's been a month and hercules still won't confront phil about unremitted fight winnings okay let me just pick this apart so firstly philatidis for those people who haven't seen disney's hercules is uh the uh what what would you what's the name there's a trainer no but what's the name for he's half he's a fawn half man half goat i there's a name for that i think it's a fawn is it anyway that's hercules trainer so he's he's he's like keeping winnings he's sort of ripping her cough he's not like he doesn't want to talk to him

about it he's scared and meg's losing yeah respect for hercules i think if freeman's in if you're losing respect that's tricky i do think that i'm not saying that's the right thing i'm saying looking at it like how actually things play out like the right thing is obviously for her to be able to talk to him and do this and encourage him and he is highly competent he's good at fighting he's yeah but i think if you're losing but if you're losing philatides maybe he's like philatides is a is a narcissist maybe and he's in a toxic relationship and you know that hercules for the first time is going to be around someone who's who's healing for that relationship i'm not saying it's right i'm saying if you're losing respect it's because you use that word i

think losing respect is a tricky thing because i think most people three months in are like but then they did do the whole thing where they like gave their lives to each other but shouldn't she sort of check herself if she's losing respect so easily yeah but people aren't that introspective she should so you're so you're not saying you're saying it's cursed because meg is not that deep not because herk's done anything wrong yeah i'm just saying in if you put this in modern dating in a real scenario but then again they did give up their lives for each other and there's been quite a lot of intensity so maybe that would that would save them all these relationships are we giving me advice or are we just saying whether it's going to work or not i think

we're saying if if you can fix it and if you can will it last like if he's competent in every other way which he is except he's being taken advantage of in this relationship then there might be something meg should she can actually help him she should she could be a healing person she might not but but if if meg is already just like if she's not like wow i have a lot of sympathy for like this this is he's in a very toxic relationship here if she's gone straight to i don't respect this man well because stephen said she's starting to lose respect so i'm putting myself in her head so you're going to go with lecourse she loses a little respect oh it's a little like i think that so you're going to say cursed because if she's already losing respect then i don't

know all right meg doesn't come off well in this one i don't think jafar finds that hades won't take things seriously. He just made a joke about... Can we just go back a second? Because you've... No one know. If they didn't listen to the previous episode, they don't know.

In his fan fiction, Jafar from Aladdin and Hades from her... In our show... Yeah, in our show's fan fiction, Jafar and Hades are together. Okay. Jafar finds that Hades

won't take things seriously. He just made a joke about Jafar's snake staff and has yet to apologize. Even though Jafar thinks he made it visible, he was upset at the comment. Even though... Wait, what?

Even though Jafar thinks that he made it perfectly visible that he was upset at the comment. Hades didn't say it didn't. Yeah, he just can't get Hades to like be serious. Like, I am annoyed about this and you're just laughing at all. They're cursed because they're two narcissists and it's always a matter of time before that implodes. So. Do you think Hades is narcissists? Yeah.

He's a joker. Hades probably qualifies as a vulnerable narcissist. Yeah, he is like, because he's kind of like a sad sack as well. That's what I mean. Like scar. hard done by and the world's against him and he can't see that he's just an awful person who visits you know right cruelty on people it's just like oh look what zeus has done to me his vulnerable narcissist vulnerable narcissist hey jaffar is just a nice just a straight up

malignant yeah i think jafar's just straight knock um so you that's it yeah i think so okay fair enough um but that had nothing to do with the scenario you just said they're two narcissists so they won't work yeah you can't you've got to address the scenario someone's laughing off someone's laughing off your attempt to say like

it did actually bother me cursed yeah because they're narcissists that's why he's laughing it off which is not what normal people do it's not this is not going to be no one's healing in that relationship it's just going to be he's already being gaslit over something and he's also you know Hades's job is to build

up Jafar and make him feel good. Instead, he's making him feel stupid for his snake staff. That's like a trademark item of his. He's not accepting him for who he is. It is a dumb item, though. La chaos. If you can have a magic staff, make it do something better than that. All right, next one. Bell is concerned with her attraction level at the recently transformed beast. She loves how well he treats her, but for the last month, she's found it a turnoff that he refuses to grow out his chest hair. Do you know what's funny? is that I think a lot of women and please if you guys out there agree with me send an email

podcast at mathewhousy.com with the subject line beauty and the beast the chaos but basically I think a lot of people of women girls young girls watching beauty and the beast were actually quite disappointed when beast turned into a human it was quite disappointing situation I think he was too clean shaver he was too clean shaver he was too Too blonde. I think too blonde. It was a weird choice to have him go from being this, you know, deep brunette beast, hairy to clean-shaven blonde.

Yeah, you want him to turn into like Javier Bardem. Right. He needed to be a bit... And said he became sort of like a young Ryan Gosling. Yeah. With long hair. Which isn't the beat... If you like Beast, you're not a Ryan Gosling guy.

Correct. And he's very clean, smooth. Yeah. Yeah. Bit bony. Yeah, he was just not... Sharp elbows. He was...

not quite Charmel so basically there's something she would like there's something she would like and he's sort of not you know she knows she'd be attracted to it but

I don't want to do it I think I think it's cursed because she's she's doubting her attraction levels three months in three months in is not good to be saying there's something physically I want to change correct what's your stance on the chest hair

thing do you think if he knows she likes it he should he should grow it out I think so, if it doesn't, unless it really bothers him. I think it's nice to make sure that you, if there's something your partner really likes, you kind of do more of that thing. Yeah, I agree with that. I don't think you should be too proud about stuff like that. If you know something turns your partner on, I mean, they've given you, they've given you a gift.

Yeah, exactly. It's a gift. So you're a Lord of the Rings reference. So I think, I think curse, I'm sorry. Okay. Well, thanks for playing, everyone. da-da-da-da-da. Most of them were cursed. I know. I feel bad about Hercules and Meg, but there we go.

There we go, guys. Well, it's been, I enjoyed that, Steve Sleeves. Yeah, me too. Thank you. Thank you, Stephen. I think Steve Sleeves has made a winning comeback after. Well, the people can let us know. Podcast at Matthew Hussie.com. Let us know what you thought of this episode.

Let us know what you thought of Steve's sleeves. Let us know what you think of Stephen's actual sleeves in life. and we will see you next time. Thanks as always for listening in. Thanks, everyone. Bye. Leave me a comment on this video before you go. I love hearing from you.

And by the way, if you're watching this and you really want to find love and you see other people around you pairing off and finding what you've been looking for for a long time and you're feeling like, when's it going to be my turn? How might I be getting in my own way? Is there something I'm doing to sabotage my chances in this area?

how can I finally find what I'm looking for? I am going to be helping people uncover their deeper patterns, understand their blind spots, and find what they're looking for this October at my retreat. If you haven't got a ticket yet, you can get your tickets at mhretreat.com. And don't worry if you can't make it to be there in person in Miami with us, there is a virtual ticket that means you can participate in this event

and get the content from it from wherever you are in the world. Go check it out. at mhretreat.com grab your tickets and i can't wait to see those of you who are coming