Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 36: 5 Signs You're Dating a Toxic Person

Episode Date: July 8, 2020

There are many dangerous qualities of a toxic person, but the worst one of all may be their deceptiveness. They can be so subtle in their manipulation, you may not even realize what they’re doing to you, until you’re in too deep and they’ve completely eroded your confidence. I want you to have the awareness to SEE this behaviour for what it is and give you the strength to walk away so you never have to worry about those people again. In today’s podcast, I take you through the 5 signs you’re dating a toxic person so you know exactly what to watch out for… >>> Follow Matthew @thematthewhussey >>> Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey Download the FREE confidence training at GetCoreConfidence.com  

Hey everybody, don't be shy take off your shoes and step into the love life podcast with me your host stephen hussey hello hello and um welcome welcome one and all. I have a lovely treat for you today because I am going to hand the floor over to my dear brother Matthew Hussey because we've got some things to say about toxic relationships. I feel we've all become very familiar with the term gaslighting over the last decade or so. I feel like it's one of those terms that's surged in popularity. It felt like something no one used to say in the 90s. And now everyone talks about gaslighting and it's the phenomenon of feeling like you're being made to feel like the crazy one, even if it's your partner who's performing the toxic behavior or acting in a particularly unkind, unpleasant way. And you're the one who's made to feel insecure.

And you're just completely crazy. What are you talking about? Or maybe your partner withholds affection periodically and suddenly goes cold and then when that makes you cling on to them tighter they go god you're so clingy what's wrong with you you know there's all these forms of you suddenly feel like what's happening to me how am i the one i feel like i'm just behaving normally, but now that I'm made to feel like I'm completely crazy and off the rails. And this happens so much that it's very easy to get confused. And you can be confused whether this is the person you're meant to be with and you've got to make it work with them at all costs and get over your obstacles.

Or whether this person is completely draining the life out of you and making you forget all the other things you used to take joy in and somehow this relationship has become a weight that is just constantly in your stomach you're terrified of what might happen if you might say the wrong thing if you might upset them in the wrong way so there's so many ways this can happen and you know that's when people reach out to us and say how do i get this person to still like me as much as i like them and how do i keep them and then when you do a bit of interrogating you realize that this person is treating them with no respect and in a completely hot and cold wishy-washy way or that partner is giving them

labels and insulting them and saying you're so selfish and this is how you make me feel and look at what you've done now and we see all of this from the outside and those people those of us on the outside of relationship realize oh your problem isn't you need to keep this person interested your problem is that you need to see the truth of this situation and uh that's a huge huge lesson i've learned over the years sometimes it's not it's not that you need some new technique or formula or that you need to do some special thing to make them like you again it's that you need to start getting crystal clarity about the situation and say why the hell do i want to stay with a person who makes me feel this way how can you actually slow down and observe hold on do i actually even

like the way this person behaves towards me would i I even let a friend treat me like that? Would I let a family member treat me in that way? And again, if the answer is yes, you need to say why. Why am I choosing people who allow me to feel this way? It's foundational. Because without that, you can't get any further towards a healthy relationship. If your patterns are gravitating towards someone's toxic behavior that's the first thing you need to fix before you

even think about how do i go about keeping someone interested when they're the right person so i'm gonna hand over to dear old matthew, who's going to tell you some toxic behaviors that are going to help you identify what kind of relationship you're in. Over to Matt. So I have five ways that I've thought about that really indicate someone is poisonous for your life. The first one, in an argument, they look to inflict damage, not solve problems. I always think that one of the defining factors of a successful relationship is when two people come together to solve problems, not to argue. That doesn't mean they never argue, it just means that when they do talk about things

they're always trying to problem solve and trying to figure out what's the best solution. When you date a toxic person, generally speaking, they try to inflict damage. They're not trying to solve problems, they're trying to protect themselves. I always think about it like scorpion mode. You get near a scorpion, it gets afraid and it stings you. And you'll also find, by the way, that when you're doing something that makes them feel insecure, let's say you're going out in the evening and it's something that maybe they're not invited to,

maybe this is just something you're going to on your own. If they're feeling insecure about it, they won't come to you with that vulnerability. Instead, they'll make it a fight and then go to one-upmanship or revenge. So now they'll go out, but it will be about one-upping you, doing something that will make you even more jealous than they feel right now.

Again, it's about inflicting damage, not about solving problems. Number two, they treat everything like it's an attack. So when you come to them wanting to talk about something that you're not happy with, maybe it's a behavior pattern that you're seeing in the relationship. Maybe it's something they did this week, something they said.

You may come to them in a completely civil and rational way and choose your words very carefully and say, listen, I just wanted to talk to you about that thing this week. You'll find that they will meet that with aggression. By the way, one of the common side effects of this, and you may have seen this for yourself, is you'll find yourself now afraid to bring up problems with aggression. By the way, one of the common side effects of this, and you may have seen this for yourself, is you'll find yourself now afraid to bring up problems with them. If you find that you sit there agonizing over what words to use and treading on eggshells as you say something, then if you're

doing that to the extreme, it means that you don't have a healthy relationship with constructive criticism in your relationship. Three, they make you the root of all evil. So whenever there's a problem, whenever there's something going wrong, they will always make it about you and your problems and what you're doing wrong and why you don't understand it. So now, instead of admitting that something

is actually their fault, that they need to change something, they'll make you the problem. They'll convince you that the problem is coming from you. And this is one of the really insidious parts of dating a toxic person is that they become very good manipulators and they can make you believe that things are your fault that have nothing to do with you but proximity is power so whoever you spend the most time around in your life you will you will find that they will have an effect on your belief system that you don't even give them credit for I don't care how strong your frame of reference is I don't care how strong your confidence is those those comments,

those accusations, their belief systems will eventually get through. We become our peer group, right? Whoever we spend the most time with. And your ultimate peer group is the person that you date because you spend the most time around that person. So remember that proximity is power and if you let someone too close and they keep affecting you and telling you that things are your fault even when they're not You'll begin to believe that and it will erode your confidence over time number four They'll show you the most love When you're hurt one of the common patterns in toxic relationships is that toxic person will they'll accuse you of things They'll cut you'll hurt you. And when you're on your knees, crying, begging,

when in that moment where you're at your lowest ebb and they realize that they've been able to break you, then they'll switch. Then they'll begin showing you love. So it's this kind of schizophrenic behavior where they'll go super aggressive, they'll make you feel like crap, they'll make you feel insecure.

And when you're so insecure that you need their love and you're sorry and you just need someone to lean on and you need them as a crutch, then they'll show you love. And here's why. Because at that point, they feel like it's safe to do so. Because in the moments where you're feeling strong, they're feeling weak.

Which brings me on to point number five. They get uncomfortable with your success. You'll find that a toxic person will belittle your ambitions, will make you feel unworthy even when you're doing well. When you do do well and you have an achievement they won't celebrate it with you and get excited with you. They'll brush it off, they'll change the subject relatively quickly or they'll find a problem with it. You come home saying you've got a promotion and they'll say well won't that now be a lot more work. They'll actually try and denigrate whatever it is you've achieved because they prefer you when you're weak. When things are going wrong, when you get fired,

you'll get lots of love from this person but when you get that pay rise or when you go and start that new business or when you do anything that could threaten them in the relationship because they perceive you to be pulling away from them or getting stronger or needing them less all of a sudden they get vicious or they just get detached because there are two ways people go some people get aggressive and vicious and say you don't care about me anymore they go down that road you're doing all of these things now you don't care anymore they try and make you feel guilty or they just act like they don't care anyway and you'll find that they get distant from you when things are going well

They start spending more time with other people giving more love to other people and giving less love to you So this video isn't about Coming from a high and mighty place and us looking at toxic people and saying there's something wrong with you Oh, I realized you're the problem. Not me. It's not that we're perfect and they're not. We're not perfect. And that's the whole point. In a relationship, we come with imperfections. We come with flaws. We come with insecurities and wounds from previous relationships, from parents, from experiences in our lives, from our failures and our tragedies. When we come to a relationship,

in some ways we already come as scratched goods. But the whole point is that you need to come to a relationship to meet a team player who is also imperfect and you can help heal each other. You can't heal each other, of course. That's something only we ourselves can do. But we can provide an environment for our partner where it's possible for them to heal,

where it's possible for them to become strong, to become great. Mark Twain said that the really great make you feel that you too can become great. Thanks for watching guys I look forward to seeing you in the next video leave a comment let me know what you thought of this I'd love to hear about a situation where you know that you need to remove yourself from a situation like this or you need to deal with it differently and by the way you'll find

that this video doesn't just apply to someone you're dating it also applies to colleagues, bosses, friends, family these are rules that can apply across the board in our in our relationships in life and they're very important to have a check on so appreciate you being here love you i'll see you soon i think matt makes an excellent point at the end there when he talks about the fact that we're not perfect ourselves in this area. And I think we can be extremely binary about saying this person's toxic. This person's emotionally healthy. This person's messed up. This person's emotionally damaged.

This person's emotionally damaged, this person's emotionally stable, and, you know, we can get very judgmental about, you know, people fall into one camp or the other, and the truth is, it's always messy and nuanced, and, you know, it was quite interesting to see in the comments to when Matt originally posted this video, some people said, I just realized i'm toxic and you know that's a really brutally honest but fascinating thing that some people actually took that from the video where they said like holy crap i think i think i do some toxic behaviors in my relationship and uh but that's there's there's a great thing about that as well, because anything that creates that self-awareness of our role or our responsibility is only a good thing for people going forward. very emotionally healthy in lots of ways but maybe we have certain little micro toxic habits if you like that are hurting the person we love and you know it might be something like whenever

they bring up one of our problems we immediately respond with a problem they have and start criticizing them instead of listening taking it on board and actually thinking oh well what did i do to hurt their feelings what they do wrong we might turn back and go well last week you didn't do x and you know that might that might not seem oh that's so toxic but it that creates a more toxic atmosphere right where someone feels like they can't bring up a problem because they're weird immediately fight back against them instead of listening um or it might be we respond you know when there's an argument maybe there's a certain way we respond where we give someone the silent treatment for an entire day um even when they

want to make up um we say oh just leave me alone don't talk to me and you know certain things like that we might think well i was in a bad mood but they again they all contribute they contribute to an atmosphere where people feel they can't be honest people feel they have to walk on eggshells or they're afraid of the consequences if they disagree or fall out with us and these things all add up uh so i think it's you know it's very important not to be so self-berating where you immediately allow someone else who genuinely is highly toxic to walk all over you and make you feel crazy. But it's equally important to be introspective. You know, when I've been in relationships, even when after we've had a disagreement, and even if I think I'm in the right, I like to go away and at least question, you know, how did I handle that badly? What could I have done to make that better?

What's something they were right about that they pinpointed? And, you know, with a bit of thought and even just coming back and admitting where you were wrong, even if you weren't entirely wrong but admitting your portion in the blame does so much to dispel that toxic atmosphere and bring you closer you know we're we're always going to be messy and we're always going to have these issues from wherever it comes from previous relationships childhood these things are always going to have some effect but if we can be very hyper aware of when we are doing something that we're not proud of and admitting it it goes a long way to creating the lovely atmosphere we want in a relationship um okay that's it from your old pal stevie today um i will encourage you though if you feel like you

time and time again struggle to say no to toxicity in your life you constantly let someone else trample over your self-esteem and make you feel small and you have trouble being able to say no to that behavior and stand up for yourself and assert your worth and actually feel like you deserve someone better then i encourage you to start your journey with us in transforming your inner confidence in developing what we call core confidence which is that stuff underneath not not the surface layer confidence or the lifestyle and career hey i'm confident person i've got like my stuff together no like deep deep under that your actual feeling of self-worth because there's many many successful people out there there's many people who seem to have a lot together and in their relationships

they choose people who walk all over them who treat them terribly who make them feel like they don't deserve to be treated well. And that's where core confidence becomes the cornerstone to everything. Because it stops you even giving that person a second look when they show that behavior. You instantly dust your hands off, say thanks very much, I'm out, and move on to someone more healthy. And if you want to be able to make that decision just like that with a click of your finger so that you feel it all the time, go and start your training at getcoreconfidence.com. You'll see our free training begin there. There'll be a video from Matthew talking about core confidence and how to develop it.

And we would love for you to get started on that journey with us. All right. That is it. Thank you so much. I am out of here. You go and have yourself a lovely little day. I'll see you next time. Bye-bye.