Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 41: The #1 Cure For Your Broken Heart

Episode Date: July 27, 2020

I still remember every heartbreak I’ve ever had. If I try I can still bring back the agony of those months after a relationship ended, wondering if I was ever going to feel better and get back to my normal self. When you’re feeling that pain of losing someone, food doesn’t taste good. TV shows depress you. Your favourite places feel cursed because they bring back bittersweet memories. But there is a secret to emotionally recovering from a breakup, one that is shockingly simple but so crucial that if you forget to do it, you will inadvertently DOUBLE the amount of time it takes to get over your ex. See, most of us make bad decisions in a breakup. We drink to numb the pain, we have one-night stands with people we don’t care about, or we eat ourselves into oblivion with junk food. It sucks now, I know. But it will get better, trust me....  Blog → http://www.gettheguy.co.uk/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey Instagram (Matt) → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewhussey/?hl=en Instagram (Steve) → https://www.instagram.com/stephenhhussey/?hl=en

Hey guys, it's Matthew. I want to talk today about heartbreak. The really tough thing about heartbreak is it's almost, I mean obviously in order to feel heartbroken, in order to feel the pain of loss of somebody, we have to keep going back there in our mind. There are certain times when we tend to go back to that person in our mind more than others. So for example when we're not busy our mind snaps back into a memory of that person or the moment we feel we're not busy and therefore we're lonely we feel a sense of loss and then we think of the person who we wish we were with at that moment or of course when we're going to bed at night,

when we're alone and we have time to think and process, that again is a time when at the end of a night, we start thinking about that person. It may also be a time when something good is happening. I mean, that's the really scary part. It can happen when you are experiencing a beautiful scene, when you're looking at nature, when you are on holiday and you think, God, I wish I was sharing this

with that particular person. So sometimes we have the association that when things are bad, that's when we'll get most, well, that's when we'll miss someone the most, but actually we often miss someone the most when things are good, when we're experiencing something that we know they would love or we know we would love to share with them then I look at this because I'm you know me I'm a strategist I always like to think well what's what's the cure for certain problems how

do we get past these types of pain how do we quickly move to a stronger place in our lives and it occurred to me that the key isn't just distraction many people go straight for distraction activities when they when someone breaks up with them they go straight to how can I distract myself what can I do how many activities can I fill my day with how many friends can I invite over every single night so that I don't get lonely and I don't even have time to think about this person but if you've ever been heartbroken you know that you can try and fill your day from morning till night with activities and people but the moment you have time to think again your brain will snap straight back

to that person that negative thought that memory that makes your heartache you'll go straight back there so distraction alone isn't a recipe for or a remedy for curing that heartache. So what is in any moment in my life where I've truly felt that sense of heartache over somebody, the thing that has helped me the most is making progress on a particular project or a piece of work, a life goal or a cause that I'm interested in promoting. I want to make that distinction between distraction and progress. Distraction is a short-term solution to heartbreak. We drink, we eat, we may sleep with other people thinking that that will help distract us from the person that we really care about.

We go out a lot, we spend as much time with friends as possible we lose ourselves in our work for as long as possible but these things don't always represent progress if they only represent distraction then there'll be a momentary relief from this person but they won't be a long-term solution to moving on from this person for example example, if you go about the business of sleeping with other people so that you can get over this person, what you'll realize is it's distraction in the moment,

but afterwards, if that person's not gonna stick around, if you haven't actually found someone that you really like, if that person doesn't match up to your partner from before, that distraction will very quickly give way to an instant depression an instant emotional hangover so it doesn't help the situation it just takes your mind off it progress on the other hand actually moves you past it I want to encourage you if you're heartbroken right now I want to encourage you to think of what important

things you can work on you can invest in in your life that will give you a sense of achievement and fulfillment because if you feel that at the end of working hard on something important you'll feel confident which means when you feel confident you feel ready to take on other parts of life you'll be feeling life intensely because when we work hard on something that's important, we're engaged in life. Suddenly it feels like life matters. Suddenly it feels like we're dedicating our time

and our energy to something that is important. This isn't a form of numbing. I'm not saying work hard so that you numb yourself. I'm saying focus on important things that will give you a sense of progress, which is the opposite of numbing. It'll actually make you feel alive. And when you feel alive, you feel a sense of progress which is the opposite of numbing it'll actually make you feel alive and when you feel alive you feel a sense of possibility again and when you

feel a sense of possibility again you just might be able to get yourself to a place where you see where things could go in your love life again every time i have ever been in a place of heartbreak what fixes it is not going on another holiday it's not trying to just escape it's not just spending as much time with friends and family as possible because all of those things work for a little bit until you're alone again and you don't feel like your life's moving forward and i see this as the great equalizer the great leveler because if you know someone who's heartbroken you won't get them over it by simply taking them on holiday by giving them nice things by buying them presents you can give someone a life of

luxury you can give them all the money in the world it won't solve their heartache so even though you can be on holiday with your friends and your family and you can feel a sense of distraction even love real love from people that care about you it still doesn't necessarily give you that feeling of progress so here's my task to you right now find something in your life today that you know is somehow important to you and focus on that even if just for an hour and notice the feeling you get at the end of that hour and how it may not eliminate all of your heartache at once we let's be realists we're not

going to do this overnight but the sense of satisfaction and achievement and confidence that you get will change the intensity of the feeling of heartache and it just might make you see how bright the world can be and if you can't think of something that gives you ultimate purpose right now because again let's let's be real not all of us have something immediately that we say this is my life's passion this is the thing i want to focus on in my life this is the thing that gives me purpose not everyone has that okay start small you know instead of going and getting drunk tonight go find a class at the gym that makes you feel a sense of progress because you've

worked on your body and you've made yourself feel good at the end of it do something that is going to make you feel good even the gym it may not be your life's purpose but you can tie it perhaps to something that's important like looking after your body like having energy for your bigger goals. You can still tie it to something important. And when you do, when you have that little bit of progress, it starts the ball rolling and you could get momentum. So that's it.

If you are suffering right now, I know how hard that is. I know just how brutal it is to be in that kind of pain. There's almost nothing like it. We can get health problems. Our family can get sick or get injured and that just about tops everything. But right underneath that is heartache. And it's really, really hard. And no one should ever diminish that or lessen it or make light of it because it is truly truly difficult if one of the most important things in life is love then suffering because of love is clearly going to be one of the most painful things in life but we're in this together we're a team and I promise you what I'm saying in this video today is not just

platitude it's not just me saying something that is supposed to make you feel better when in reality it won't do the job I really really believe this so commit to it I know you don't want to right now I know you probably don't want to do anything right now but commit to it focus on something that's important and allow it to give your life meaning and to show you just how bright the world can actually be when we're in a good place and we feel like life means something. I'll see you soon.