Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 45: Reading YOUR emails on Love Bombing! Why It Happens, How To Move On From It...

Episode Date: August 13, 2020

We respond to YOUR emails all about the topic of Love Bombing.  Including: Why we get sucked in by love bombing What "red flags" to look for early on How to be (healthily skeptical) before diving into romance How to move on after heartbreak If you're ready to deep dive into your love life and want to see Matt answer real love questions on our live webinars, join our Love.Life VIP Members club at AskMH.com -- Follow Matt: Twitter - @matthewhussey Instagram - @thematthewhussey -- Follow Stephen:  Instagram - @stephenhhussey Twitter - @stephenhhussey

Intro Music Intro Music well hello there everyone and welcome back to the love life podcast i am your host today my name is stephen archibald hussey that is slightly false my middle name is not archibald but a man can dream well what are we doing here today well Well, I thought I'd do something a little, something I promised, something that I haven't got round to yet, but I feel it is time I got round to, which is reading out some of your emails. And I wanted to talk on, I got a lot of emails about the love bombing episode that that was a few back if you want to go back and listen to that one and it seems that there's something of a love bombing crime

wave because it seems that many people have faced this before love bombing for those of you don't know is when very early on in a relationship someone showers you with attention and affection and they're all over you and they gush and they talk about how you're like no one they've ever met and they move quickly and you're kind of excited by it and you're swept up in the romance of it and they give you all this love and attention and then very often it's suddenly taken away or they drift away they change their mind they they're very fickle and you wonder what the hell happened given the way they were talking early on so we have an email here from eliza who says greetings from denmark hello eliza she says i was love bombed i dated this guy who love bombed me in every thinkable way and then ghosted me after a couple of months

he sent a text that said we are too different and didn't reply after that it happened more than two years ago thank you for explaining this in a short and clear way i wouldn't send this reply but that idiot contacts me a couple times a year with a short and nice message saying merry christmas thinking of you thought of you the other day hope you are well and so on i usually don't bother to answer but this time i answered that my summer is wonderful but i didn't plan to be in touch with him as my time is too precious for that I wished him well and blocked him again on different channel and she says what the heck is wrong with him if he contacts me again how do I proceed so that he does not wish to contact me um and she also adds I find this kind of behavior pathetic and abhorrent but it boggles my mind um yes Eliza uh

it you know it the behavior you talk about where someone carries on after disappearing or after breaking things off that's actually very common that someone keeps getting back in touch and it's kind of you know putting the love bombing itself is bad and the ghosting and and you know that's obviously someone who is extremely uncaring unempathetic and rude um and uh you know obviously that's the dangerous thing about love bombing which is why people can really enjoy the initial moments because it feels like a heady roller coaster of romance but suddenly the roller coaster comes to an abrupt halt and that's kind of why you have to be suspicious at first and it's it's not that you

go into love skeptical well it is kind of skeptical it's healthily skeptical it you you should at least have a sense where you don't know who this person is yet early on in the first few dates you're gonna be having a great time be vulnerable be open and open-minded but if someone seems if it feels like someone is really accelerating this quicker than feels warranted or comfortable it's up to you to kind of put the brakes on then and say hold on this seems like too much and that and that might go counter to your instincts if you really like this person but it's kind of for the good of the future version of you who might face this fickleness if that could because someone who can fall in love really

really quickly can often fall out of love quickly and change their mind. And so it's not that you want to, you know, assume everyone is a bad person who could be out to screw you over. But you do need to say, hold on, this seems to be moving a little quickly for me. I'm really enjoying getting to know you, but let's just see how it goes. Let's not move too fast and be the one who actually speaks up and puts the brakes on and as for your part after as in the person who contacts you later down the line afterwards that's kind of a separate issue and people often do that after even after just a normal breakup and it's kind of up to you I guess to decide you know some people are happy to have this person as a casual

acquaintance or they don't mind talking to them now and then but if it kind of you know this person already left a bad taste in your mouth anyway and it kind of um bugs you that this person keeps checking in then you know you've had your conversation with him as far as I'm concerned you've told him how you feel about it. And you've said your time's too precious. So I think if he contacts you again, you have no obligation to any explanation, to any reply. I would just block him on your platforms if you really want to be rid of him and don't want him creeping your social media and that stuff.

Just block him, be done with it you know you can waste a lot of time and energy giving people long drawn out explanations um so yes i would uh i would put it to bed and not worry about him any longer um we have another email sent in from mrs robinson who uses a nice little nom de plume there and she says Hi Stevie boy I listened to the podcast about love bombing and wanted to share a snip into my life Two years ago I bought

a condo and was super excited about making it my own. Once I got settled down I was open to dating Well, this amazingly handsome man came around and he and I really hit it off and he just so happened to also be really good at fixing things classic so I asked for help our relationship developed and he moved in we got really close even talked about marriage kids and the American

dream essentially after a year things turned and that's when the love bomb ended. I was confused and disappointed that he chose his friends and time away from home and even walked out during the middle of a movie on a Saturday night. Things turned for the worse and I decided it wasn't the relationship I wanted to be in. What can I do to prevent this love bombing again? What boundaries can someone take to prevent this happening again um yeah well i'm sorry first of all that happened to you uh mrs robinson i can say as i said in the answer to eliza a lot of this is about having a healthy level of skepticism up front where you actually see how does this person behave in various scenarios you

know the problem with things moving way too quickly is you just haven't had a chance to see how they are in different parts of their life like are they always reliable do they show up when they say they're going to show up is he a man of his word is he does he tell little lies does he do other selfish flaky things you know you talked about him going off with his friends that you know small behaviors where is he neglectful does he not bother messaging you and telling you when he's made other plans all these things add up to a picture of a person and in those moments we have a choice to either ignore it or call it out for what it is and many people choose to go for comfort and give the

benefit of the doubt and say hey he did that but maybe that was just one thing and you know whatever let's just go along because i'm in love and you know and again you can bring something up he apologizes that's great but if you don't bring it up then you're never going to see how he reacts when you put up that boundary like does he say oh my god i did do that i'm so sorry uh let me make it up to you or here's what i'll do next time and you see a change in his behavior but if you just watch this pattern go again and again and you never put up the boundary that person starts taking liberties and then before you know it you end up six months a year down the line and you go I thought I knew this person and I didn't at all that's why it's so important to actually be able

to confront you know having the sense of your own self-worth and self-respect to be able to bring these issues up when they happen and to not be afraid of rocking the boat quote. But to say hey that behavior was not cool. That's not something I want in my life. And you know here's what I need to be different to feel okay. Or I don't feel loved when you do that. Or that made me feel neglected. Or like you didn't care about me. And just you know talking through those things.

So your boundaries are always being put up in the way you accept treatment from others the way you treat yourself um the kind of things you actually decide to say no to so they're always there and we have to get good at seeing when someone seems to be we are when we're compromising our deepest values because we're just going with the flow, that's usually a red flag. That's a warning sign. You should watch out for that.

If you notice yourself compromising on your deepest standards just to be with someone, that could be a sign you're going to get hurt down the line and that you need to stand up for yourself now before it's too late later. Okay, one more uh let's quick one here from vicky she says hello i listened to your love bomb episode i really enjoyed it this happened to me a few times listen to it really helped me understand why this happened my way of coping when a guy ends things especially when he love bombs is to

think of all the little red flags that i ignored great vicky um she says whenever i start to think about how great he was i make myself think about those red flags and why it wouldn't work between us thank you if you read this uh that's an excellent point vicky there's a really wonderful um speaker thinker therapist on this subject called guy winch uh we've actually had him on our vip members area uh before in our in our love life members area and uh he talks about how it's so important when you're trying to let someone go after you know after you let someone go you idealize them you tend to look at it through rose-tinted glasses you forget the worst things you remember the passionate highs of love and you forget the ways they might have belittled you the ways you may

have felt mistreated or that they weren't fulfilling your needs the fact that they had completely different values from you or in they were nowhere near as kind or thoughtful as you or whatever it is. Maybe they were emotional and argumentative. And it's so important to give yourself almost a daily reminder, like writing it down, looking at what was actually really unpleasant about this relationship. What made me, how did it make me feel? Why do I never want to feel that way? Why would I not be able to live like that?

And instead of pretending like, well, what if all those things were different? Just take it as, what if those things, which is probably the case, those things are going to be the way that person is forever. Could I deal with that for 10 years 15 years 20 years could i deal with someone who doesn't have the same family values at all as me who doesn't have the same standard for kindness who is completely unreliable who i can't trust to be faithful all those things and once you add up the years of difficulty and pain and you know if you're walking on eggshells trying to avoid arguments,

think, I am currently, by letting this person go, I am saving myself all those years of potential pain and disappointment and heartache. And that's a gift you're giving yourself. You're giving yourself years of happiness back. That's how you need to see it this isn't a loss this is yes you grieve what you know you grieve that moment you're in love it was wonderful but really you're not grieving the person you're grieving a feeling once you realize that that person was not right for you you can let them go and start to know the things you want

to gravitate towards next time the kind of behaviors you want to look for in the next person so use it as a positive vision moving forward instead of i had this person i was so in love and how can i ever replace them you're not going to replace them you're going to find someone different who fits you better, who's more aligned with your values. Alrighty. All right, that is email day for today. I'm going to wrap up there. Let me know how you like this kind of episode,

reading out some of your emails and comments. I get loads in. I'm still responding to a few. I can't respond to all of them, but I respond to as many as I can. Thank you. Thank you so much. If you listen to the show, if you've emailed in, if you've written anything about the show or written a review on iTunes, really, really appreciate it. And you can email, if you would like to, at podcast.matthewhussey.com. And that Love Life membership I mentioned in coaching sessions where we actually go through members love life questions and actually go through how they can take the next steps to work through

whatever particular dating or relationship or life problem they're working through and it's an amazing support group it's full of a really amazing community of women who support each other who provide tips and advice and if you really want to get involved it's at askmh.com you can go sign up today join that membership and you'll get access to the coaching sessions and we'll see you there okie dokie pig in a pokey that is it from stevie boy today i will be back next week we will have matthew hussey of course as always and you know we'll do some more love life stuff and other things like what's your favorite candy bar what magazine should i be subscribing to is delgona coffee overrated will matthew let me keep hosting these if i keep dragging out these outros all these questions and many more next time. See you then!