Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 49: It's Not "Weird" To Ask For What You Want

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

If you've ever worried about having the "awkward" conversation, answering the booty call text, or speaking out for your needs, this is for you!  It's time to start being ok with being weird... --- Email us at [e-mail] --- Follow Stephen: Twitter - @stephenhhussey Instagram - @stephenhhussey Facebook - @stephenhusseywrites

Hello there podcast listeners and welcome back to the Love Life Podcast. I am of course your host Mr Stephen Hussey and welcome. Welcome if it's your first time, welcome if it's your 50th time. I am still here in old London town and I wanted to talk about awkward conversations. Specifically, there was a blog I wrote and I posted it up the other day and it is titled, It's Not Weird to Ask for What You Want. And this is a blog about talking about your standards, having those conversations that maybe make you feel a little uncomfortable early on, but that are so crucial to being able to actually

feel comfortable in your integrity that you're actually saying what you need to someone. So I'm going to begin at the beginning of this and just work through the piece as I do sometimes in these podcasts and kind of give a little commentary as I'm going and tell you about a couple of the women's response to this. So I'll begin at the beginning. Okay. I spent a month last year on tour speaking across the USA with my brother Matthew, and one thing that amazed me was how many women told me that they want to get a guy to call more, or to get a guy to call at all. To which I would reply,

Why don't you ask? The answer, of course, was, That would be weird. Or, I don't want to be desperate. This, to my mind, is one of the biggest problems we face in dating. Call it a lack of confidence, unassertiveness, or just trying to, quote, play the game, but so many of us are guilty of avoiding saying what we want for a fear of not being chill enough.

This doesn't just happen with getting a guy to call more, it also happens with wanting him to arrange a real date, wanting to know where you stand with someone, i.e. are we in a relationship or not, or saying that you would rather move slower and see if you have a real connection before you get physically intimate, if that's a particular standard you have. It's a very bizarre trade. We'll risk wasting time, we'll risk inefficiency and disappointment in exchange for the overvalued good of not seeming needy.

So, in case it still needs to be said, having some clear expectations about how you want to be treated does not equal neediness. In truth, when you express what you want early on, you win both ways. You either filter out the person who's a child and can't face something as simple as you saying you'd like to have a phone call before a date or you get a guy who sees that you have standards and now understands that he has to step up if he really wants to pursue you and he's going to take action to do that if he really does want to be with you the same here goes with responding to the famous booty call text. The one that a guy sends you at 10pm that says,

Hey, wanna come over to watch a movie tonight? It's the text that makes a lot of women roll their eyes when they read it on the page. Yet, when you really, really like someone, suddenly a dilemma occurs. You might think, I don't want to be someone that a guy just calls for sex or a booty call, but maybe he does really like me and if I don't go over, he'll lose interest. Or if I don't say yes and seem relaxed and fun and chill, maybe he'll pull away. Except, no, he won't lose interest. This right now is a guy who's attracted to you, who may or may not see you as someone he wants a serious relationship with. But the only way to know his intentions is to not take the bait in this moment and actually assert your standard. You can do that

by saying nothing. Just leave the phone where it is and let him learn that you don't respond to late texts or last minute dates. Or you could say, you could respond and say something like, hmm, interesting time to decide to offer a date. Maybe try a more reasonable hour next time. Or you could say something more playful like, I think you're cute, but 10pm hookups aren't my thing. However you want to play it. The point is, assert the standard. Then, if you do end up going on a proper date with him in the future and getting intimate, you can have the quote awkward conversation. By which I mean necessary conversation. The one where you might say, so what are you actually looking for at the moment? Is it needy? No.

Will it risk ending whatever this is before it starts? Yes. Does it save you time and stop you wasting it in a halfway situation where you're never quite sure where you stand? Absolutely. I'm making it sound like this is all easy, but we all know that when you like someone, things get a lot tougher. And yet, with the right person, I've never found having the awkward conversation to have made anything worse in the long term yes it's always there's an initial moment of tension or they might you might feel like you're breaking rapport if you point out a behavior that frustrated you or they showed up late they did something you don't like, or you feel like they're being ambiguous about their intentions. You know, that can have some initial discomfort if you have to address

that in a text or in a conversation. But again, with someone who's actually on the same page as you, who likes you, who shares your values, it doesn't make things worse. If anything, it raises your level of respect because that person knows that you have a standard. That makes you attractive. You value yourself. And they think, wow, she values herself. She must be valuable. She's someone who takes herself seriously.

She's someone I can't mess around. She's someone I have to up my game with. And it might create an unpleasant air for a couple of minutes or even seconds maybe even seconds uh until they realize oh they're serious about this and then you discover whom you're really dealing with that person who's totally not serious and did just want a 10 p.m booty call then they realize ah i can't do that with this person. So I either have to walk away at this point or they're going to fruitlessly do the same tactic again

and you're going to get the picture and you're going to ditch them. So you kind of win either way here. So screw the niceties and the manipulation games and the Jedi mind tricks to try and keep someone hanging on. Those tactics are short-term band-aids and only tend to attract the most toxic, narcissistic, ego-fueled, fickle people anyway. What actually works takes work. Build your deep inner confidence. Make what you say match what you feel on the inside.

Be willing to say no to the red flags as soon as you spot them. Work on your character flaws, your attractiveness, your health, so that you live up to the standard you expect from the amazing person you want to spend your time with. Be willing to say the uncomfortable thing now and then. Even if it's in a playful way, be willing to say, this is the kind of behavior I expect, or give me a call before we go on a date or take me out on an actual proper day i want to go on an actual proper date so yes ask for what you want be the person who charts a different course or end up stranded in the same confused boat as everyone everyone else. Alrighty. That is all I have to say on that for this week. And as a kind of coda to this,

the kind of thing I always think is people always think they're, they're always worried about doing something that seems strange or that seems weird or people don't normally do that. I always think good. If someone says that, you want to be someone who's not the way most people normally are. Most people do coast along. They don't speak up for themselves. They're afraid to be a little bit different or to show they conform to a different standard. The people who tend to get what they want a lot, who tend to make the change they want, who tend to be able to attract the kind of relationship that they want into their life and get rid of the person who's not going to meet their standard quickly, they are the person who's willing to put themselves out there, be honest and straightforward

and it cuts through the bullshit. because people who mess around don't know what to do when you're straightforward they're not used to it it throws them off their guard so be willing to be that person who throws someone off their guard so that you don't sit there with your friends trying to interpret their behavior going what do they really want i don't know i'm not sure be the person who just calls out the elephant in the room if someone's not treating you the way you want to be treated if they're messing you around if it seems like there's ambiguity um so yes that is what i want to say on that that is it from me this week do send me your emails in response to this and i'll try and read some out on an upcoming podcast. I'd love to

hear what you think of this anytime you've actually gone for the straightforward conversation, anytime you've done that or are going to do that, a decision you've made after listening to this episode. Send your response to podcast at matthewhussey.com and I will read your emails and hopefully get a few on the show. And if you want to be if you want it read out and you want to be anonymous, let me know. And or you just want your first name read out, whatever you prefer. Just let me know in the email as well. All righty. Pickles, puddings and plums. That is it from Stevie.

I am heading out with Matthew and I am going to get him with me on one of these podcasts soon so that we can do a little chat in the room together. That is my mission. I will do it. And that is it from me, my fine friends. I will see you real soon have a lovely little weekend have a stroll have a nice dinner get a coffee read a book all those wonderful things that you can do

and we'll snuggle up again next week. All right. Have a good one. Bye-bye.