Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 51: Why Being "Sweet" Is Underrated (For Men and Women!)

Episode Date: September 3, 2020

You watch the cliché rom-coms and sitcoms. They tell you to be witty, urbane, “sassy”, sophisticated. And that’s what everyone wants to portray on their profile on Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, Grab-a-mate, Blah-bar (Ok, I made up those last two up). What hardly anyone does in conversation pay an actual memorable compliment. And this doesn’t just for for online dating. It’s also lacking in many flesh-and-blood conversations. Both men and women defer to trying to look impressive (through their career, fancy degree, social status) instead of making a real connection. One reason we avoid being genuine in our compliments is because we’re scared to put ourselves on the line. And yet, there is this weird phenomenon: we tend to like people who actually see something special about us. If you agree and want some practical advice on being memorable in other people's eyes, listen to this episode... --- Learn the 5 compliments that everyone loves to hear. Download the free guide at SayThisToHim.com --- Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey    

🎵 Hello there sweet peas, I am coming at you from mine and Matthew's mystery Airbnb somewhere in London. And I'm kind of sat here on the couch in the living room, Matt's been out for the day and I thought let's switch it on and do a little podcast. I'm not going to script this. I have something I want to talk about that I wrote about this week and it kind of leads on from our conversation last time we were talking about compliments and why they're so powerful, how you can do them better. And this is kind of related, I suppose, because, you know, I've been sort of out and about a bit for the first time, you know, obviously we've been in a strange year, so it's not been normal to be out, maybe seeing friends, going to places

in town, I haven't been in the city for months, so I'm back in London now, and some semi-form of normal life has resumed, so, you know, I've been out with friends, been seeing people, socially interacting, which is obviously very good for the soul after doing a lot of lockdowns throughout the year. And one thing I noticed this week was, and this is why I wrote about this, but the underrated idea of sweetness now we think sweetness we think well everyone likes sweetness don't we that's a lovely quality and anyone to have you think yeah I want to be with someone who's sweet but what I notice is that people are reinforced with an idea that they can't be sweet, they have to be sophisticated. They have

to be witty, they have to be urbane, they have to be quick-talking, have a snappy comeback. Here in England, we have this concept, we call it banter, which is kind of like a bit of a cringey word now, I guess, but this idea like you have to have good banter or good chat and you'll see this on dating apps as well in people's profile right and for obvious reasons we try and joke we try and say something clever and witty about ourselves and that's all good like I'm not I'm not knocking that but what I think happens is because we're so focused on being impressive, we're focused on being cool, we're focused on talking about our achievements and, you know, whatever,

showing how smart we are, maybe showing we have some status, it kind of can cloud out the fact that at the end of the day, when you want to go on a date with someone, when you're attracted to someone often it happens in those moments where they just kind of sweet like they if you're a nice person if you've got a big heart or you're kind person you are genuine and look for that quality in others you want those moments where of little where you break through a facade and you get these little windows of real connection where you're on a date and someone makes the polite gesture you know whatever it might be they they pull out a chair for you they offer to take and hang up your coat they

do something polite when you're ordering drinks whatever whatever they offer to pay, even if you're going to pay for them, they offer to pay. And just these moments where it's like, oh, that was really sweet. They thought about me in that moment. You know, even saying someone like, give me a text when you get home. You know, lots of women love it, right? When a guy says, give me a text when you get home, let me know you get home safe. he calls you a cab or whatever like these are all like little sweet gestures and i don't think it's a specific to being a man or a woman i think there might be different forms that gesture takes that maybe like women are attracted when a man does something that's quite caring and uh you know shows a lot of gentlemanly behavior maybe men are attracted when women do something that's feminine or a bit

adorable or you know whatever it might be certain kind of gestures but it's not i think sweetness is actually a quality that i look for in friends as well when I was thinking about it. And it's not that I have lots of friends who are really soft-hearted and, you know, because I think sweetness gets associated with meekness, like having a meek character. And I don't think that's what it is at all. Like, I've known lots of, like, burly, macho kind of guys who also have these like big warm hearts as well who are like super you know they're alpha in their lives they're successful they're all those kind of cliches of what you think of like a masculine man will be but the ones you really love are the are like a

guy who can also just pay you this really kind warm compliment or he'll send you a little text saying like how much he had a good time hanging out with you and yes guys do do that sometimes with each other as well they'll say uh i went for dinner with matt and a friend the other night and you know the friend texted me after to say like him and his girlfriend like we had an amazing night it was such a great conversation so good to spend time with you guys. Like things like that. It's like that sweet, that sweet behavior. And it's just that moment where you're like, oh, I really had a good time with you. And it can take many forms, right? The last episode, we were talking about compliments, being able to take a moment where you say something about their personality

you recognize something in them uh a way they even it can be like a way they talk you could say is cute but you could also say when you like when you're passionate about something the way your eyes light up it's really uh you know i love it or know, it's really exciting when I see you get really into an idea, you know, anything like that or when you talk about your art, when you talk about your goals or your passion, you know, anything like that. People, as I said on the previous episode, people love to be recognized and giving people a moment of recognition is a gift. I was literally, so the article I'm talking about, which you can go read on the site, the Get The Guy site,

it's called Is Sweetness Underrated? But when I was literally writing that piece, I heard the owner of the coffee shop I was in and she's a very charming person. She's always talkative with everyone that comes in. She really makes the place this, you know, warm sort of center for people to congregate around. And I overheard while I was writing her talking to another female customer, and the female customer said, oh, the coffee's gorgeous, the way and the owner said she said just like you my dear and it was really authentic and natural and the woman was taken aback and she went oh oh thank you so much for saying that that's so kind and she was almost you know she was almost

gushing because this person had said you're gorgeous as well and it was just this I overheard it they didn't really notice me but it was this kind of moment that made me smile to myself and it was so cute that she had given her that moment just apropos of nothing um so yeah sweetness and I think you can be sweet with still being confident. I mean, of course you can. Like being, being confident and giving a compliment, like giving a moment of sweetness. That's kind of the coolest mix in the world, right? If you can really confidently compliment someone and be like, you know what I love about you, or you know what's great about you, or you do this really cute thing with your eyes when you laugh like that, it's really adorable, that's super cool, if you can say that matter-of-factly, you don't, you know,

get shy about it, or get weird about it, that always looks good, and it's really funny because you can say this to close friends of yours even and they don't forget it like so we have this weird thing between us um matt jameson so jameson is our director uh he films our youtube videos works on with us creatively and uh when we kind of hang out together in LA or wherever we're going to be in the world shooting, we kind of sometimes just go up to each other, while we're working in the day and I'll go up to Jameson or he'll go up to me and we'll go like, you're a beautiful, strong, handsome, powerful man. And I've got a lot of respect for you and we'll kind of just say it in a very overly serious solemn tone but we kind of put a hand on his shoulder and say it and it's

like these this dumb thing between friends right we'll do it like we're doing a movie scene but it kind of makes us feel good like we'll all do it to each other me to matt or matt to james and jameson to me and it's just like these these just like very earnest compliments and just being like you're a thoughtful genuine kind warm person and i think you're a joy to be around and it's just doing it in that overly earnest way but we're kind of also paying them a compliment and they feel it um yeah so you can kind of muck around with it as well um and i think just just having having sweetness in your relationships. It's a way of forming your own lovely bubble around you. There's an economist, Brian Kaplan, who talks about this. He had this article about

why you should live in your own beautiful bubble. And he was talking about creating the environment you want with your friends, with where you live, with the opinions you expose yourself to, or the kind of things you read and watch every day, you know, what you focus on. And, you know, creating a bunch of people around you who just get it, who have that natural, you know, kind-heartedness, that warmth, that kind of authenticity you want, suddenly it changes your lens of the world as well. And that's why you kind of don't worry about people who don't get it. Like people think, well, if I'm on a date and I'm sweet and I let my guard down, well, what if they're not the same? Well, screw it. Screw them. No second date. Done. End're you can always leading with your energy is just a way

of filtering out who's not going to give it back and who's not who doesn't get it if that person's um tries too hard to out compete you and they're always trying to prove who's better who's not who got one over on someone who's funnier who's whatever wittier you know if you want that that's fine but if you don't and you're like hey i want something authentic as well then lean towards the people who give you that back um you know i remember matt went on this ice retreat this year with uh wim hof who does these incredible breathing techniques and you know you go plunge in ice baths in Poland and walk up cold mountains in the snow with your shirt off it sounds mental and I won't be going but Matthew did it earlier this year and had a blast and you know he met

loads of these you know they invited loads of other sort of successful influencers as well and there were athletes you know sports guys like very like adventurous ambitious these like tough guys right but what he said he the most stuck out to him like they're all now great friends after this retreat and he was like they're just loads of really lovely supportive kind men who they have a whatsapp group and they talk to each other and give each other support when one's down or if someone's struggling with something they all pile in and build that guy up and build up his self-esteem and yeah again right just you can be strong you can be confident but throwing in that sweetness as well that's the magic combination and it's an addictive quality we we talk about unique pairings the idea of having different complementary values or qualities that

make someone really attractive adding sweetness in with being smart or successful or confident or witty, if you can throw that in as well, that's when someone thinks this person is irreplaceable and I need to keep them in my life. Oh, and the final area you can show sweetness that very few people do enough is showing you're impressed with someone. Even like on dating apps when you talk to people early on you know being able to let your guard down and say wow I love that you have read that book that's so cool that's so impressive um that's an amazing achievement accomplishment it's so cool you traveled to there you know these little things just showing that you know and even saying like i'm impressed with your adventurousness or you must be so determined

or you know um i'm so impressed that you've you were curious enough to read that you know, I'm so impressed that you've, you were curious enough to read that, you know, anything like that, just adding the element of the character trait as well, that's a form of sweetness, it's showing that appreciation, it's showing that recognition, and the more specific you get, the better, you're not gonna take it overboard when you first talk to someone on a dating app or something, but just having that hint shows hint shows that oh they let their guard down a moment they're not just trying to play it totally cool there's something they're actually they think is great about me um it's very very underrated i think and worth adding into your repertoire um all right that's it from me i'm gonna get out of here for today thanks as ever for joining send your comments to podcast at matthewhussy.com we love to read your emails

see what you think of the episode see what stuff you're dealing with or problems you've solved because of this podcast and if you want to get that guide that i talked about earlier this week say this to him.com and that's got some suggestions of actually five great compliments that help you get into someone's heart and make you more attractive so that's say this to him.com and you can grab that guide all righty pickles and puddings. That is it from your old pal Stevie. I'm out for the week. I'll see you next week and take care of yourself till then. Ally got a new boo. Yeah, love beautiful. I'm looking for love.