Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 56: They Told You They Wanted a Break? The Perfect Response…

Episode Date: September 22, 2020

What do you do if the person you are with comes to you telling you he wants a break? You’re devastated, you’re scared, and every instinct in you tells you to fight for this person you care about so much. What would you say to him? In these moments we often do exactly the opposite of what we need to. If you’re in this situation, or you ever want to know what to do if someone says this to you again, I',m going to give you the only response you’ll ever need...  ►► Handle Heartbreak in a Strong, High-Value Way. Download your free guide... → http://www.MoveOnStrong.com  --- Follow Matthew @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey

🎵 🎵 Well, my, my, my. Hello hello you charming bunch it is steven hussey here host of the love life podcast with of course mr matthew hussey how are you all this week man oh, I have moved location in London. I am now in East London, which those of you who know the UK well will know. East London is cool. It's hipster-ish. There's a lot of trendy graffiti on the walls. And I slightly feel like I'm not cool enough dressed for it. I feel like I need more vintage clothes. I need more colourful clothes.

And I have a fairly plain dressing style. So I kind of feel like I need to up my game here. The only thing I've really got going for me is a leather jacket. So, you know, that's getting its wear, but it's still sunny here in England. So maybe not as much as I could. So, you know, I'm working with what I've got. I've also got a pair of skinny jeans. So, you know, those always go down well in hipster areas. anyway we are talking today about uh breakups well we're talking about the process of potential breakups and the very unpleasant conversation if someone tells you they want a break i think this is one of those scenarios where you can feel incredibly powerless and like you have to sit on your hands and be at the mercy of whatever that person who's initiating the break decides.

You feel like you're in this terrible limbo waiting room, this purgatory where your fate's going to be decided. It can feel like a very powerless, demoralizing place to be. And so my brother Matthew, as he so ingeniously does, gives some practical advice of how to actually take control in this situation and be able to take your own power back, keep your own confidence in this scenario and actually do what's right for you so that you aren't just left waiting, malleable in someone's hands. I think just because, you know, one theme I noticed that comes up so much in our work that I'm so proud of is that just because you're in a vulnerable position or you like someone a lot and you have

strong feelings, it doesn't mean that they call the shots. In those scenarios, like if someone's not giving you the behavior you want, if they're being flaky or if they don't want the same kind of relationship you do. Many people think that they have to be compliant or they have to do what's necessary to just keep things motoring along and they don't want to take any chances. Like if I do the wrong thing, I might break everything apart and it won't be fixable again. And I really want to shake you out of that mindset I hope this

video does that I hope this video gives you confidence to actually feel like you are in control of this scenario because if you deep down feel like you are worth that treatment that you are worth someone's certainty that you yes you, you might have problems. Yes, there are things, relationships go through a bumpy road. But if you always remember you do have the power to do what is right for you, to assert your needs, to say what you want, to say, I don't want to accept that position, then you have ultimate power because you can always have control over the standards you're willing to accept. No one can decide that for you. I think it's an incredibly empowering place to be in. When you have it, you can feel invincible because you can say either I'm getting what I

want out of this relationship and it's serving my needs. And of course, you're going to give to it if it's a wonderful relationship, but it's either serving me in that way. And if it's not, I have the ultimate power to say, you know what? I'm taking back control and I'm going to go and get something that's right for me. And I don't have to fear breaking this apart because, oh, if I say what I need, I might turn you away. Well, good. If you do that, then good. And if you don't want to hang on waiting for an answer then good um you know there's always a smart way to approach these things there's always

a way to you know temper our our immediate emotional reaction our default reaction in certain scenarios can be to turn into a dragon if we're the type who you know it triggers our fight response we might get into an argument when something happens or we shrink and we're used to being passive or we just get upset and emotional and lose control um all of these responses we can temper these step back and say okay if i'm coming from a place of taking back my control in this scenario, if I'm thinking clearly about it, breathe, what can I actually do? What's the result I want? And what do I want to communicate to this person? Even if there's something I've messed up on and I need to concede that, but I'm still going to keep my power and say, hey, this is what I need from you. It's a really powerful position to come from.

And so with that, I'm going to hand over to Matthew now to give you some practical guidance on this. Just before I do the very brief housekeeping stuff, as always, you can email us at podcast at matthewhussey.com with your thoughts on the episode or thoughts for future episodes and you can also get the free training that Matthew mentions at the end of the video at moveonstrong.com that's moveonstrong.com and there you're going to go to an actual call between Matthew and someone he's coaching where you're going to actually hear exactly what to do when you're faced with the breakup scenario. Okay, that is it from me. I will see you very soon. Over to old Matthew. Has someone you love and care about recently told you that they are considering

or want a break? What do you do when this happens? Now, naturally, when this happens, there is going to be this flood of devastation, of panic, of heartbreak, of feeling like we did something wrong, of looking for a way to solve it. What we have to do is for a moment, quiet our emotions as much as we can. We're human. We're going to let them out, but we have to quiet them enough to have a reasoned conversation with this person. And this conversation is absolutely vital because it can literally mean the difference between you wasting months or years of your life and finding something or someone that is right for you. The conversation is in three parts. Number one, you ask them why they want to go on a break. And you do this as calmly and as reasonably as possible because what you want is an honest answer. The reason you want

an honest answer is because you're going to have to use that to evaluate what you do next. Now, they're going to give reasons. You have to ask yourself, are these reasons to do with them? Are they to do with me? Are they inside my control or are they outside of my control? All of these things are very important things to ask. Once he's told you all of this, your next step is to ascertain whether these problems that are necessitating a break for him are things that have to be solved from without the relationship or whether they can be solved from within the relationship as a team. As things should, if a relationship is truly strong, if it's truly that relationship that we're going to be in for our lives, it should be able to withstand difficult times.

It shouldn't require the team to break up for it to work. Then you ask, do you think that we can solve these things by being a team together? Because I am willing to do the work to make that happen. You would have to be too. But if the both of us commit, I believe we can get through this. Do you? If the answer to that question is no, I need a break. Part three comes in.

You say, I understand you want a break. But my definition of a break is a breakup. I believe that in a relationship, we can get through anything together. But not if your version of getting through something means without me in the picture. That's not the teammate that I want and deserve. So I understand what you feel you need to do and that you're going to go and do that, but I need to now move on. And of course, the gamble you're taking, which you must already know about because otherwise you wouldn't be doing this, is that I won't be there when you decide you want me.

But I can't allow your gamble to become my gamble. My gamble would be staking my time and my energy and my life and my future on the possibility, the hope, the fantasy that maybe one day you'll come back. I'm not prepared to do that. My life is too precious. I love you, but I love myself and my life more. And I have to move on now if you want to break. So I understand you want to break, but I'm going to treat this as a breakup and move on accordingly. F. Scott Fitzgerald once

wrote, the girl worth having won't wait for anybody. Make no mistake, people will come and go in life, but your time can never be replaced. Guard it like the precious jewel that it is. And if you're watching this and you realize that now that you're about to have this conversation, there is real heartache coming for you, I have a free guide on how to overcome heartbreak. You can find it below. I'll link it up here. Know that you will be okay. Know that you are enough and know that you are loved. We'll see you next week. Thank you.