Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 58: Is Their Behavior a Deal-Breaker?

Episode Date: September 29, 2020

Ever found yourself in a situation where the person you are with is doing something that affects you negatively, only they don’t see it as a big deal? They tell you they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong, and that you should be OK with it. That’s what happened to the woman whose story I tell in this episode. Her boyfriend was regularly texting a female friend he’d made only recently. Every time she got upset about it, he told her she was being unnecessarily controlling and jealous and that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. In today’s podcast, you’ll see exactly what I think she should do about this situation... I always think one of the hardest things in a relationship is trying to figure out where we are overreacting and where we are justified. It can be maddening. If you’re wondering whether what someone is doing around you should be a deal-breaker, this will help you figure it out once and for all. Always in your corner. P.S. The first-ever Live Matthew Hussey Virtual Retreat is just around the corner. People from all over the world are signing up to join us October 16th - 18th, not just because they have always wanted to take my Retreat, but because it’s a fraction of the cost of my live Retreat (and with none of the travel and time off work!). There may never be a better time to join the Retreat than this. Go here to book an appointment with one of my team and find out more: http://www.mhvirtualretreat.com.

Hello there podcast chums, you are listening to the Love Life Podcast with your host Stephen Hussey, which is I, and well, today we are going to talk about deal breakers in a relationship and figuring out when is the time to call it quits and decide that a certain behavior is something you can no longer put up with, that you can no longer deal with in a long-term relationship. And I love this topic because I know the agony that so many people, I mean, including myself in the past, have gone through trying to figure out if, you know, if you're with someone who checks 80% of your boxes, but there's a certain 20% that really bothers you or even a certain 10% agonizing back and forth saying, should I just grit my teeth and bear this behavior? Should I try and hope that it changes? How do I decide what my limits are? Because it's very easy to say that we should have standards in our relationships, but then when it comes time to actually apply them, to actually say, well, we have to say, well, I'm not going to get someone who's perfect.

So there's going to be some things about my partner that I compromise on. But which of those should they be? And when is a behavior that's causing you pain something that you should you should say enough? I can't deal with this anymore. And so much of this, what I love that Matt brings out in this clip I'm going to jump to is the fact that so much of figuring out your position on this is asking better questions. Just getting the clarity of asking the right questions to yourself can sometimes be like a bolt of lightning. You know, I remember there was a book that I found really powerful on deciding whether or not to leave a particular relationship and it was called Too Good to Leave,

Too Bad to Stay. It was by Mira Kirshenbaum and I remember there's just a lot of different clarifying questions in that book. One of the ones I remember she mentions is about how difficult or easy it is to get your needs met in this relationship. And even just the clarity of realizing how difficult is it to get my core needs met in my relationship and anytime I assert my needs does it lead to a big argument and a big blow-up does it suddenly feel like I'm walking on eggshells like I can't express myself honestly without my partner suddenly lashing out at me all these questions can just really cut to the essence and be very clarifying of the kind of thing you need to be thinking about and whether you should tolerate a particular behavior so I will pass over to Matthew and just before I do

that Matthew does mention a link to our virtual our upcoming virtual retreat which is coming up very soon next month in October and if you want do that, claim your spot and hit reset on this year and really get yourself on course for 2021. The link that Matt gives is mhvirtualretreat.com. That's mhvirtualretreat.com. So when he mentions that in the video, he says about the link, that's the link, mhvirtualretreat.com. And hopefully we will see you there. All right, that is it from me today. I will see you very soon.

Over to Matthew. I was recently told a story by a client who was having a massive fight with her boyfriend over the fact that he was texting another woman consistently who he'd met not so long ago and he said was a friend and wanted her to be okay with it this created a massive rift in their relationship it's very easy of course for us on the outside to look at that and go oh my god she's being daft if she puts up with that but of course in a relationship everyone has different rules don't they people have different boundaries one person could say it should be no problem for him to have friends of the opposite sex and to be texting them regularly another person might say that's disrespectful for the relationship and

opens the door to either a real threat or at the very least is not a nice thing to do to his partner sometimes arguing about what's right or wrong adds too much complexity to a situation what we can do instead is number one return to our own truth is this right for me rather than judging that person and saying they're objectively a bad human being simply simply returning to that ancient Greek maxim, know thyself. Is this right for me? Of course, we could even get into attachment styles here and say maybe I have my attachment style and I need someone who nurtures my attachment style, who soothes my attachment style, not someone who exacerbates the worst elements of my attachment style. If I'm a little

anxious by nature, should I be with someone who amps up that anxiety by doing things that make it worse instead of making me feel safe and secure in the relationship? So know thyself. Number two, assume that they won't change. Don't go forward on the basis that this person is going to stop doing this behavior. Jacob M. Broad said, consider how difficult it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have of changing other people. Do not go forward thinking that one day this person will cease this behavior. Assume they won't and then ask yourself, can you be happy with that? Number three, is there a workaround? This behavior, this pattern is causing you pain. Is there a workaround?

And importantly, when you've looked at what the workaround would be, is the workaround something that causes more trouble, more pain than it's worth? More pain than the relationship creates happiness? Does the workaround represent too much of a departure from who you are, your values, your true nature? Does it separate you from yourself in order to be okay with this thing? Now, of course, when someone comes to me with a problem like this, and there's even the suggestion that the relationship may not be workable the pendulum will immediately swing in the other direction they've started the conversation

by talking about how they're deeply unhappy and this thing is causing them pain but then they swing to but this person is so amazing and i really love them and they love me and we have so much in common and there's so much that is right about it and that will be the justification for them staying now the desire to continue a relationship can be beautiful on one hand but it can be extremely dangerous on the other the passion and the optimism we have for the relationship for its potential to actualize into what we want it to be is the greatest founder of unchecked optimism of our blurring of the facts we start selectively focusing on what this person is saying and doing in order to create a narrative that this relationship can still work we have to get very sober about this and see it for what it is and

this is so important because it forces two fundamental questions. Number one, can I be happy within this relationship? And number two, if I can't, do I value this person more or do I value my happiness more? Because it would appear that in this relationship, I cannot have both. Only you can decide the answer to that question. I'll see you next week. Real quick before you go, the virtual retreat is coming up. It is upon us. If you haven't yet signed up, if you watch a video like this and you go, my God, I wish I had the bravery to actually do what I needed to do. Or if in any part of your life, outside of your relationship, you're thinking there's so much I want to do. There's so much I want to experience. There's so many ways I want to hit reset on this difficult year I've had and not

squander it. I still want to turn this year into a beautiful piece of art that leads me into next year powerfully. Then please come with us. There is a link right here. Go to that link, speak to one of our specialists, ask all the questions you want about it but by god be there because it's going to be a very special event three days live my virtual retreat go to that link i will see you there and thank you as always for watching you