Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 63: 3 Secrets to Be Happily Single Until You Find the Right Guy

Episode Date: October 22, 2020

I’ll keep this short so you can go straight to listening to this episode. It’s not just essential listening if you’re single right now… It’s essential listening in the context of the year we’ve just had and how to navigate being single in it. Life is precious. Let’s not waste it. P.S. Please share this with any and all the single people you care about in your life. ►► FREE download: “9 Texts No Man Can Resist” → http://www.9texts.com ►► FREE download: “5 Compliments to Get Him Addicted to You” → http://www.SayThisToHim.com --- Follow Matthew @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey

🎵 Well, hello, hello there, everybody. We took a little episode off last week because we were doing our virtual retreat, the very first inaugural Matthew Hussey retreat. And boy, was it a good one. Man, we are so happy so many of you came, so many of you showed up. I was doing it from London in our little studio show that during this crazy, strange, difficult year, we were actually able to make our retreat program work and create the magic that we create for people live from people's homes.

So thank you so much for all of you who came. And I hope you had as much of a blast as we did. I hope you had fun at the parties we had a movie theater night we had a hawaiian night we had 1920s hollywood night and we just had so much fun with you guys my team extend our deepest gratitude for all of you who came and played full out and our wonderful retreat manager la. Who put the whole thing together. We want to send a big thank you and shout out to her. For making that magic happen.

For I think we had 700 ish people come. Which is just amazing. Yeah. So it was three incredible days. Everyone was a bit wiped out after. But we've recovered now. And we are back baby um uh so yes how are you my pickles peaches and pears i have the adorable matthew hussey to

speak to you today about being single specifically three secrets to being happily single uh until you find the person you're looking for and this is super important i'm gonna jump on after him and say a few words on this as well because this is a topic that means a lot to me but i'm gonna hand right over now to maestro matthew himself over to the big guy why are so many people unhappily single I had a one of my members say to me on a webinar recently I decided nine months ago to start looking again for love for a partner and nine months in I still haven't met anyone I'm starting to get frustrated I'm starting to lose hope and just I start to wonder why I'm still doing this and in her tone I could tell that she was a quite a goal oriented type a person and that cuz she

wasn't getting the result she was getting very frustrated of course our love life is in an area we can control in quite the same way that we can other things. We can have a huge degree of influence on the direction of our love life, but we can't control if the right person comes into our life this week or next week. We just have to keep putting ourselves in the right spot, doing the right things, and know that at some point that will be a byproduct. The challenge is how to enjoy the journey along the way whilst it's not happening. And we have to go from basing our happiness around getting the result, around meeting the person,

to expanding our lives in pursuit perhaps, or not even in pursuit of, that makes it sound like that's the only goal. We have to expand our lives knowing that meeting the right person may be a byproduct of expanding our lives. I know this isn't the greatest time in history to expand our lives when everything that's been going on

in the last year has sort of contracted our lives, but that doesn't mean there aren't things we can do. We have to still look for the ways that we can be creative in expanding our lives. And I want to give you three potential ways of looking at this, three things you could do. One way to expand our lives is to look at the needs that we have to meet every week.

You know, for me, I need to meet the need for learning new things. That's like a real basic need for me is that I want to learn more I'm curious and I always want to be learning I have the need to train you know I like training I like working out I like staying in shape so I have that need I have the need for connection with other human beings what's a way to meet those needs that is outside my comfort zone or just something that I don't normally do. In January, you know, my friend Lewis Howes,

he invited me to go do that ice retreat with Wim Hof for five days with a group of 10 guys. Absolutely not my cup of tea, not something I would do for enjoyment, jumping into frozen lakes and doing 10 minute ice baths. That is not my idea of a good time, although I did have an amazing time, and I'm so glad I went.

I could have said to Lewis, you know what, I know this is gonna be great for me, and it's good physical exercise, but I just, you know, I've got jujitsu that week, and that's the thing I always do, that's my routine, I'm just gonna stick to that. Sticking to that can be a major limitation, and doing that retreat with those guys has led to

a completely new friendship group in my life as a result. And of course, a new set of skills, new knowledge, new neural pathways has so many benefits, but it's led to the new. Ask yourself, what way of meeting my old and consistent needs could lead me to the new. I'm still meeting my needs but I'm meeting them in different ways than I've become accustomed to. Number two, start saying yes to the invites of people that you don't normally say yes to so that you're not just hanging around the same people all the time. When that person you don't see that often says hey this thing's going on if you wanted to come, of being like I'm kind of busy

actually say yes I know it's uncomfortable I know it can be a bit difficult to go and be a part of something where you don't know anybody but that's when new friendship groups come from explore a new world through somebody else and if no one is inviting you to do something new right now then you go to someone you don't know that well and invite them to do something new be the leader in the process take the lead and number three the 90-minute challenge let me explain this travel I think is one of the greatest ways to expand our lives but so many people can't travel right now travel has has become more difficult. The 90 minute challenge is find the adventure, find the

way that you can be a tourist within a 90 minute driving radius of where you live. Have you ever had that experience of going and doing something close to where you live and going I can't believe this exists within an hour or an hour and a half of my house. I never knew this was here. This is beautiful, this is stunning, this is amazing. Go do that thing. Now look, I'm not saying that when you go do that thing, you'll meet the right person there, right? You might go there and there's no one there.

That's not the point. The point is to expand. The point is to enlarge your world. If in the next three years, you don't meet anyone as a result of doing this, there is nothing that I've talked about that you will regret. You will still look at those three years as three of the most amazing, beautiful, mind-expanding, world-expanding, friendship-expanding years of your life. But I also believe that if you take this approach to life, that it makes meeting someone

as close to inevitable as possible. Do not allow your life to contract. Make a commitment to expansion so that you can be one of those people who can be happily single, but also hopeful of who might come. Those of you who have followed this podcast for a while and some of my blog posts. Will know that my views on this couldn't be more pronounced and passionate. I think that being single is

criminally underrated by those in it and by those who are in couples as well. The way people in couples talk about people who are single. I think it's crazy that we don't use the precious window we have more when we are out there exploring, meeting different people, doing different things. You can build your identity however you want to build it. You can try things. You can experiment. You can dip your toe. You can travel.

You know, and of course, being in a relationship affords all kind of freedoms and wonderful things when you're doing stuff with your partner. But you get a special kind of unencumberedness to being single where you can really guilt-free dive into a lot of things now i hope when people i think i hope when people get into relationships they don't see it as well now i have to get boring and start settling into routines and all that stuff because that's usually not a good sign for relationships but but being single is just one of those moments where you are you know hopefully if you're in a free scenario you are so unaccountable in the way you can just really greedily spend your time i think we should have a lot more fun doing it i think we shouldn't spend so much of it pondering and wondering if we're going to find that person if we are doing the right things if we

are living a passionate life if we are not uh hiding in a cave or sitting on our couch all day if we're out there if we're learning if we're growing if we're having fun the rest is going to take care of itself if we're growing in all the right ways we are going to meet more people over time and we are going to eventually meet people who share our values and we connect with and hopefully you're doing you know not doing mindless things but doing things that actually would put you in the vicinity of people that you want a connection with the kind of people who share your interests so as long as you're doing that and being intelligent about it allocating just some of your time every week month to being out there meeting people the system will take care of itself you will meet people you will go on dates you will

flirt and you'll eventually find someone you love but man the window should be fun the time doing it should be passionate and i i truly you know as i've gotten older i'm not old but as i've gotten beyond my 20s and into my 30s now um i have realized how much you've gotta embrace whatever moment you're in now whatever window you're in now you know we're always in such a hurry and when we're growing we're in a hurry and when we're not where we want to be in our career yet we're in a hurry and we're always trying to get there get there i remember the investor philosopher naval uh naval ravikant uh he's a sort of indian entrepreneur thinker. And he talked about how desire is a contract that you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want. And that is how so many people treat themselves when they're single.

They think, I will be happy when I have a relationship. Or when we're not quite where we want to be yet in life life which often is always because we are creatures who always want more of something um we're always thinking well then i'll be able to really indulge and enjoy that window and really get passionate about what i'm doing i i think we have to do that wherever we are because we don't know what tomorrow is going to bring we don't know we could be with the love of our life one day and something unexpected, a catastrophe could happen and they could be taken from us.

We have to just realize that the moments we have now to connect, to play, to have fun are all we have. I know it sounds like one of those obvious mindfulness type lessons, but I think so many of us looking back we always think man I should have just enjoyed that period more I should have I should have just kind of relaxed and had fun with it more and not worried so much yeah you know yeah I wanted to work hard and get what I needed to get but I shouldn't have spent so much of it thinking about the future and

worrying I should have just embraced what i was doing more and i think being single is all about that if you if you can enjoy this period you you become a source a beacon of attractiveness anyway for everyone around you because we love people who are playing at a high level we love people who are passionate we love people who know how to get juice out of life those people bring so much to us when you just see someone who's loving what they're doing even if they are grinding away at their business or they're doing something difficult it's just when you see man that person really really gets the flavor out of life they really go for it um and uh i hope you do that with being single as well because i don't want

i'd never want to think that the kind of company we run is is you know one that tells people that they need to be constantly on the hunt for a partner and that's the source of all meaning and nourishment in life i think there are many sources of meaning and nourishment in life and i yes i want people to get what they want but i also want them to enjoy what they have and if you can do that then you'll get a lot more daily happiness and fulfillment um so yes that is it from old stevie and matthew today as always uh if you want to subscribe on itunes spotify stitcher we really appreciate it if you want to leave a nice review if you're enjoying these podcasts on itunes that really helps us get discovered and if you want to email the show

podcast at matthew hussey.com you can send us your missives and messages there and we would love to rummage through and see what you guys have to say all right i'm heading off it's evening here in london i got a few more things to do for the day then i might hit the gym maybe i'll get a salt beef bagel you know one of those kind of midweek nights um i will uh i will be back again this week and that is it for today alright love you kisses bye I'm looking for love