Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 66: What Does (And Doesn’t) Work In A Dating Profile

Episode Date: November 6, 2020

Lockdown is back (for some of us). And if there ever was a year for online dating, 2020 is the biggest opportunity there will ever be to do it.  In this episode, we talk: – What makes you stand out in a dating profile - Annoying turn-offs to avoid - Why you STILL shouldn't want to try to compete with everyone else --- Follow Stephen: Facebook - @stephenhusseywrites Twitter - @stephenhhussey Instagram - @stephenhhussey

🎵 🎵 Well, come in, come in, welcome, take your coat off sit down pour yourself a cup of coffee or tea and let's have a little chat i am steven hussey host of the love life podcast and today i want to talk through some thoughts on dating profiles, specifically on how we put them together and the kind of thing that we write about ourselves when we are trying to put our best foot forward. And let's face it, if any year was one for virtual dating, it's 2020 where lots of people have been confined to their homes or to small areas of their uh locale for for obvious reasons because of the coronavirus so when we use online dating and apps like tinder bumble hinge match plenty of fish you know them all none of

them sponsor this podcast so I don't have a dog in this fight, you can choose your own adventure with whichever app you want to plunge into, yeah when we choose one of these, you know, you have to write a profile and you're in some way, you know, making an advert for yourself and it's not a, maybe it's a crude way to think about it, like we're commodities, like you're a laptop in an Apple store and a shiny product for someone to gore pat. But you know what I mean. You're trying to put yourself in a sea of other people and you want to stand out. And I think this ties in nicely with the episode i spoke about recently where i talked about competition being for losers and how you know we are very by our instincts we are driven to think there's this zero-sum game and we're competing with others and i've got to make

sure i outdo them and how am i gonna you know beat the other people with what stats do I offer that they don't? And I think this is the wrong way to think of it with online dating, because we're not really trying to attract everyone. We're trying to attract someone great. So I think a lot of people try and think about themselves as trying to maximize the amount of people they might interest. And there's something to that thought, but you're not trying to please everyone. You're not trying to win over everyone on the app, right? You want the fact that you're going to stand out in certain ways. Some people you want to turn off

because they're not your person. So I think it's really important to just approach it fresh and to not think about other people using it and what they're doing but to kind of say okay what's the kind of person i would want to attract on this app and what would they be interested in i think a lot of people very quickly instead of asking this question they just immediately immediately defer to, what do I want to say? Like, what do I want to say to the world? And they'll use their dating app to, their profile to air grievances and, or talk about things they hate. You know, if you're a cat person, swipe left. If you've got tattoos, if you wear socks with sandals or whatever, okay, socks with sandals, most people seem to hate but you know what i mean um people have very very judgmental they want to give lots of hard opinions and they

think it's just this tool to use to be on a soapbox and you know express their views and you know i think character is important in in profiles. I think showing something of who you are. If you've got a wry, sardonic, sarcastic sense of humor, that's fine. But I think we have to step back and say, well, what am I actually using this for? I'm not using it to shout about the people I don't want or talk about the bad relationships I've had in the past. Or, you know, I don't want someone who's just obsessed with their job. Okay, but you can choose that when you talk to them, you're going to find that out. But all we do when we, you know, if we give these very hard, harsh opinions, you end up making quality people look at it and think, wow, that person, they seem really angry.

Like, I don't know if I want to talk to that person. They don't seem very approachable. You know, they might say, well, even though I think they're interesting or they look like we're into similar things, they don't sound like the kind of character I want. And I think it's always important to think about the character we're portraying because you can't portray every subtle side to your three-dimensional character on a profile so you're really going for a snapshot but there's kind of things that are universally attractive and unattractive so bitterness right is is always kind of a repellent to people where if you seem like you're carrying a lot of emotional baggage, if you seem like you're angry, you're very cynical,

you know, these things are often, they often read badly on the page and they turn people away. I think one thing that's universally attractive to a lot of people is just some form of passion or curiosity. Like knowing a bit about the things that excite you, that turn you on intellectually, emotionally, that you love. It doesn't mean that you have to be nauseatingly positive, right? Because many people are not all chipper and positive either, and they find that annoying in that direction. Some people love it. So it's not that everyone has to be this uniform,

positive person, but I think it's thinking about everyone has to be this uniform positive person. But I think it's thinking about at the beginning of dating, we're just looking for like connection, right? We're looking for a spark. We're looking for a frisson. We're looking for a bit of fun. Like, is this person going to be enjoyable when I say hello to them? Or are they going to suddenly scream at me because I like cats more than dogs or whatever particular opinion I don't share that they have. I think these things are really important. And so I think giving some element of something you're curious or passionate about, which by the way can be as uniquely quirky, geeky, you know, niche as you like, I think that's really helpful when someone at least shows,

hey, I've got this weird little thing I'm really passionate about. I love comic books. I'm crazy about Hong Kong action movies. I don't know. I love making my own craft beer or going to beer tasting festivals or I don't know, whatever it is. If you have one really specific thing or i love i love geology like give me your best geology fact like being very very specific about something you're really into always works well because i think one of the bit one of the things that particularly you know men find really difficult because they feel on some in some sense the onus is on them to start conversations in general in dating apps apart from of course bumble where the whole gimmick of the app is that women speak first to the guys um but by and large they feel like well you know she expects me to say the first thing to open

the conversation and if all there is is three face shots of that person and barely anything in the profile or just like a quote in the profile. You know, it doesn't give you much to go on and it probably means you're going to end up with just some generic line that guy's going to write to you or, oh, your hair looks nice and soft in your photo basically that um and or you're going to get some canned scripted line right that is just like a copy paste scripted question so i think actually giving someone conversational hooks is hugely important to just making it easy for things to flow like okay i've got a little flavor of the kind of movies you like the books you read the things you care about what you would be doing on a sunday um you know the your idea of a good date you know it's like such an easy one to tell people what you actually

like and then they'll go oh i love that too i want to take a rollerblading or whatever it is you can make these things so much easier and i think people don't we don't think about that a lot we don't think about the other person and you know their job when they're talking to a stranger and you've suddenly just got to come up with conversation and all you've got is some pictures to go on right so unless those pictures give you a lot of clues it's quite hard to know what you're even going to say to begin with so i think we do have to empathize we have to think about the other person we have to think about how it's being portrayed to them and and that's why you know i was answering question the other

day someone was asking a really good question actually about showing vulnerability and when how can you show vulnerability but show you're secure as well and and you know it got into this this line of thinking about well you know how much do you want to share about your vulnerabilities people tell you to be open and honest right but if you're too open and honest you can sound like you come with a lot of emotional problems and things, your body insecurities and all that stuff. So, and the truth is vulnerability does have to be earned, like letting someone into our inner world, which is why if someone on their dating profile suddenly, you know, their dating profile shares that they've been through a terrible divorce and it was messy

and they're bitter about it and they're angry and they don't want any more players or they don't want any more workaholics or whatever it is you're like well i haven't earned this like why is this being shared now that that might be something i'm fine with but the context makes no sense like they're sharing this to everyone who reads their profile um why are they leading with this is this the first thing on their mind all the time do they have other parts to themselves that i'm sure they're an interesting person outside of quote being divorced um and so i think it that again that's another thing right it's so easy what what people see in your your dating profile is what they then just identify you with.

So if you sound like you are angry about, you know, no hookups, no players, that's not a personality. That's just, oh, this person doesn't want me to be a player. Okay, well, what else? Very, very important. And the thing that people miss all the time i constantly see that i constantly see people saying what they don't want and it never but but what you don't want you can just reject that you don't have to talk to someone who has tattoos if you don't like

tattoos or you know if someone's if someone's a player they're not going to come with a label saying i'm a player and they're not going to suddenly run away because you say no players so it's kind of a pointless thing to say the real way you discern if someone's a player or not is to actually you know in conversation you see if they are a trustworthy person you see if they actually do the things they say they're going to do do they show up to the day on time how are they on the date what's their character like what's their history like you you there's no there's no special jedi mind trick where everyone comes with a a label that says i'm going to cheat or not going to cheat you can usually pick up on clues in people's behavior in their actions in the way they talk about the actions, in the way they talk about the opposite sex, in the way they talk about what they want, you know, players might often be vague about, I'm not sure, I'm just having

fun right now, I'm not sure I want anything serious, I'm just keeping it chill, you know, and they try and hook up with you quickly, they try and get you to send nudes, all that stuff, these things are all, there's clues all the time coming at us, right, It's like we just have to read the signs and pay attention. And, you know, give trust, give trust gradually. Like we actually have to figure out who someone is first. So, yeah, I think that's a really important one. And just one more thing on this topic of dating profiles, because I could talk a lot about these kind of things we portray on first dates and in our profiles. But I think a lot of people think, well, I have standards and I want to communicate them.

I have a way I want someone to be. I don't want to settle for mediocre. I don't want to settle for someone who's not going to treat me the right way. Well, how do I communicate all of that and again i think we have to go a step back and say we're not we're not going to filter every single wrong person out in the first window in the first opportunity we're not going to write a profile that's going to go okay now i've got the perfect filter to get rid of all the wrong people and only the right people are going to come through the net that's not what's going to happen you're going to match with different people um who are kind of across the spectrum of interests and personality types and some will gravitate towards you if you're

intellectual and bookish you might get more of those kind of guys reach out if you're sporty you might have more of those guys if you reach out. If you're sporty, you might have more of those guys. If you're whatever, if you say you're family-oriented and want a relationship, then you might have more guys reach out who want that. But you're also going to have some people who are not what you want, and you're going to have to filter through talking to them a bit more, not go on a date with a guy who you don't feel you have stuff in common with. You're going to talk and figure out, do we actually have shared ideas, opinions, loves, passions? And if the conversation is fun and exciting and you have chemistry, okay, maybe we'll have a phone call now, see how that goes. Then we'll maybe have a date and you can kind of step by step filter out

and see if that person lives up to your standards. We're always looking to see if someone lives up to our standards, even if we've been with them, you know, we've gone on a few dates with them. We're always seeing how do they behave in these different moments? How are they when they're stressed? How are they when, you know, dealing with problems in their own lives? How do they, how's their mood in general we're always looking for these things uh what are their values you know like how are they are they shallow are they materialistic are they angry all this stuff so that's stuff that takes time but that all said you can communicate standards on your profile i just think you can do it in a lot more um positive

ways that show the kind of thing that you're interested in and excited about so even showing the kind of you know portraying values right if your value was um you know you're a really ambitious person and you value hard work, you're growing a company or whatever. These are all things you can specifically talk about. You know, if you're passionate about technology and science or whatever, and you're growing this company and you're really into what you're doing or you're academic and into your research or you love exploring and you just say, well, I'm the kind of person who wants to you know live in five different countries over my life and i you know adore uh i don't know adore south america and

want to spend next half of the year there you know once you're specific then someone can get a picture into your life and be like oh oh, they value exploring new cultures. They value learning. You know, if you talk about the kind of your idea of a great Saturday is just walking around a gallery, sipping coffee, going home to read books. If your idea of fun on a Tuesday evening is to go rock climbing. These things are all giving a picture into your values and you may even just talk about, you know, I love my nephews and nieces more than anyone in the world or my sister and me are really close and blah, blah, blah. All that stuff is going to show your values. It's going to show if you care about family, if you're someone who takes care of their health, if it's a career you're driven by. And these are ways of showing your standards. And you can, you know,

even specify character-wise things I love most in a person are, you know, honest communication, someone who goes after what they want, someone who's bold. Curiosity is my biggest turn on when someone's intellectually curious, someone who reads French poetry. You know, you can get really specific with it. And then it's not that someone who doesn't read French poetry is going to go, oh, no, I don't do that. But they might think, oh, I have a related interest to that or I'm really into that. And they're going to ask you about it. And all these ways you are communicating your value, sorry, your values, your standards, you can, you're literally communicating these are the standards I have for someone I want in my life. You can talk about kindness, you know, the thing that most excites me is people who are selfless

and kind. These things turn me on. And you can use that language turns me on related to that people go ah okay that's turns them on that kind of behavior turns them on um always giving people clues and i think that's the secret of a good profile it gives someone clues as to what makes you happy what kind of person you're looking for and it makes them excited about actually being that person for you. So it actually makes them think, oh, she sounds like she's got a great attitude about it as well. She sounds fun. She sounds optimistic. She sounds open-minded. Instead of, here's my list of demands and standards, and if you don't live up to them, you don't need to apply. Then people think, nah, I don't really know this person and if you don't live up to them you don't need to apply then

people think nah i don't really know this person maybe i don't care that much about living up to their standards never mind swipe left so i hope that gives some food for thought um next time you're creating your dating profile and uh i think it's an iterative process i think you can tinker with different approaches um but yeah i think i think those points are the most important i think getting rid of bitterness or any resentment in your profile i think showing curiosity and passion and then communicating your standards in a way that's positive and shows the things you value and care about rather than as a list of demands. So let me know how it goes for you. Let me know your experience of online dating. You can email at podcast at matthewhussie.com if you want to email us your online dating experiences and if you want some message ideas

you can also download our 9techs.com guide that just gives you some fun ideas for when you're actually in conversation of you know interesting things you can ask ways to be playful ways to flirt some people find it difficult to switch from just chatting to flirting. There's some really elegant, nice ways to do that in there. So that free guide is at 9text.com. Go check it out. And that is it. Thank you so much for joining me. There's probably going to be many more of these now that we're in lockdown in the UK for a month until December. So stay safe wherever you are, have some fun, do something healthy for yourself. And if you must online date, have fun doing it. Hopefully it shouldn't be a chore. If it does, you know, mix it it up do something else don't spend endless hours of your day swiping

it you know you need you need a balance you know it shouldn't become some addiction where you just spend hours doing it to futility do spend a little window of day doing it whatever time you need then go do something else um that's my top tip uh okay that's me out for the day. I will see you very soon. Bye-bye.