Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 75: 4 Dangerous Reasons You Fall In Love Too Fast

Episode Date: January 7, 2021

Joe met Lisa on a trip to the Bahamas. He saw her sipping a cocktail and asked her what she was drinking. (It was a Mai Tai.) He ordered a Whisky Sour. Then it was on to talking all night. They kissed, they danced, and he told her after a few days that he had never met anyone like her. Now Lisa had a weird feeling: “Uh-oh, I’ve fallen for this guy…” She thought about him every day when she got home, remembering that perfect moment on the boat trip when he took her hand and pulled her tight to him. But then... he never called…(I know, it’s horrible, right?) The truth is, this often happens because of some very simple mistakes we make when it comes to falling in love. In this episode, I’ll show you how to avoid them.. --- Follow Matt Instagram - @thematthewhussey Twitter - @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen Instagram - @stephenhhussey Twitter - @stephenhhussey ---  

But what people do is they take these special moments and they turn them into signs. Because I had an amazing time with someone, because we had great conversation, because I felt an incredible connection and that moment felt so special, it must be a sign of what I'm supposed to have with this person. I believe that is a complete non sequitur. Hello and welcome. Welcome to 2021 and the first of our podcasts for the new year. We are back. This is the Love Life Podcast. I am your host, Stephen Hussey. And hello. Hello again. We've come off the back of a cozy Christmas break. We had a bit of decompression time. We had a bit of time off from the podcast, time to regroup and plan. And our team had a rest and we spent some time together as a family as well.

Matt and myself and our whole family. And yeah, just having a bit of a holly jolly Christmas and New Year time. new year time and uh you know had some chocolate watched some movies got a new oculus vr headset which is a wonderful gift right now because i can escape to a lovely virtual world anywhere i want and uh which is convenient because we are in england under another a third lockdown right now so unfortunately we all thought that hey once we peeled a calendar off the end of 2020 and get to 2021 maybe this whole disaster thing of 2020 will be over and the pandemic will just sort of slip away and we'll start fresh unfortunately pandemics don't recognize calendar dates so it is still going on and um yeah things things got you know the cases got worse over christmas so we're on lockdown again but there is long you know there's mixed feelings

about that but there's long-term optimism because of the vaccine on the way. So hopefully things get better as we go through the year. But here we are. And I thought about what's the best thing we can do now with the circumstances we're in. Obviously people start a new year with lots of ideas about what they want, lots of thoughts about things they're going to change, things they're going to get right, goals they're going to set. And I thought, well, you know, things feel unusual at the beginning of this year. And you can't really, I was talking to my friend George and we said, you can't really plan ahead this year. You can't think of a bunch of resolutions you'd like to do of, you know, things you'd like to do and places you'd like to go because we we just don't

know you know we can't plan for june yet or september we can't it's hard to think that far ahead right now so what we said is what is something we can do in january right now ahead of us that will make us feel incredible that would leap us forward that would make us feel incredible, that would leap us forward, that would make us feel like we really nailed the first bit of the year. And so we decided, let's just think of two to three habits we can come up with for the next 30 days for January that will make us feel awesome by the end of it. And I encourage you to do the same, even if it can be work-oriented, it can be taking care of yourself, it can be your body, it can be your mind intellectually, it can be habits around play. Like, just what are you not getting enough of in your life now?

What is something you thought, man, if I woke up and did that every day, I would really feel great about myself in 30 days. And let us know what you come up with. Email us at podcast at matthewhussey.com or you can DM me on Instagram, Stephen H Hussey, at Stephen H Hussey on Instagram. And let us know what your habits are and how you're going to commit to them

because I want to get ideas from you as well. And yeah, I've been doing one myself where I write at least 300 words every day. Now, I frequently write more than 300 words every day, but I found that just having it as the daily practice, suddenly it becomes automatic. It becomes auto focus every day, do something creative, 300 words, and it's just about getting the ball rolling. So think about what yours might be in any way you want. Another little one I have that I never, well, I rarely do, which is why I want this to be a daily habit is moisturizing, moisturizing my face. That's it. That's my 30 day day habit I just want to wake up and moisturize every

day because I often mostly forget to do it and you know I want to take care of my skin I hear that's a good thing for a grown man to do so that's one of mine as well so they can be very modest but uh let us know what yours are and I going to pass over to Matthew now because we are also talking about love on this podcast. If you are new to it, we do talk about matters of love and relationships. And we're talking about falling in love too quickly. You know, we just because we're in unusual circumstances it doesn't mean the normal problems of love have gone away we still hear from people who say they become prematurely committed to someone they fall head over heels quickly when someone is great on paper or looks

like the right match for them they've been on a few dates and they think oh my god i'm so excited their heart's doing flips. Some people even just from one moment with a person, and what Matt talks about in this video is the fact that many people overrate moments and underrate the signs the person is actually giving them. So the other person can have something completely different in their head about how they interpret this, but because we have a moment with them or a series of moments, we overrate those instead of seeing the reality in front of us. So this video is going to tell you the dangerous reasons you fall in love too fast. And if you enjoy this podcast and you don't already for the new year, subscribe on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher. If you're feeling

really generous, please leave us a lovely review on iTunes. It really helps the podcast get noticed. And that is it for today. I'm going to pass over to Matthew, but I hope you start those habits. I want to hear from you if you do. And we'll check in on those. I'll let you know how mine are going at the end of 30 days and we'll compare notes. All right. Happy New Year. It's good to be back.

It's good to have you back. And I'll see you soon. I recently had a story come to me of a woman who met a guy on a cruise ship. She said they had the most incredible time, great conversation. They danced, they kissed. It was so, so special. She said after that, he barely texts me.

He never calls, but occasionally he does make time for me. And that confuses her because when they are together, she has an incredible time with this man. This is a story in one form or another that I have heard from women for years. And there is something fundamentally wrong with this kind of story. It's someone who's taking a moment with someone, a moment that was special. And I'm not taking that away. We can have moments with people that are incredible, that are special, and that are wonderful for their own sake. I'm not devaluing the moments. But what people do is they take these special moments and they turn them into signs. Because I had an amazing time with someone, because we had great conversation, because I felt an incredible connection, and that moment felt so

special, it must be a sign of what I'm supposed to have with this person. I believe that is a complete non sequitur. Just because we've had a great time with someone, it doesn't mean they are going to be someone who invests in us, who actually moves things towards a relationship with us. What is it about us that takes a special moment with somebody and turns it into a sign of things to come. One, many of us are lonely and affection starved. So when we get someone who makes us feel like we're connected, we hang on to it for dear life. Two, we want to fall in love. That makes us a biased judge because we look for evidence of things that might show us we are falling in love and that someone is falling in love with us. And three, an intrinsic human tendency to construct a narrative,

to connect the dots between events, a kind of existential band-aid to the lack of meaning in our everyday lives. We should also be aware that some people, not everybody, but some people have that narcissistic quality of wanting to create huge swells of emotion in the moment. There's a wonderful moment in the movie The Talented Mr. Ripley where Jude Law's character, a playboy, a very charismatic charming man, is being talked about by his girlfriend and the best friend he's made in recent weeks. And his new friend Matt Damon is complaining to Gwyneth Paltrow that after such a close, intense friendship, he now feels like he's left out of the group. And Gwyneth Paltrow says,

The thing with Dickie, it's like the sun shines on you and it's glorious. And then he forgets you and it's very, very cold. When you have his attention, you feel like you're the only person in the world. That's why everybody loves him so much. You see, someone can be the most incredible company and we can feel the most incredible connection to them. But that doesn't mean that they aren't selfish or narcissistic or frankly, just not that interested in truly investing in us. Many people are very good in the room, and then as soon as you're out of sight,

they have forgotten about you, and they are not reaching out. There are two things I want you to take away from this moment right now. One, unrequited love isn't romantic. It's emotional masochism. Now you may be saying to me, but Matt, he does have feelings for me. I know at my core that he does. Fine. Let's assume that's true. Then you need to remember the second part of this message, which is that if he's not investing,

the onus is on you to walk away. I want you to make this the year where you finally learn how to value yourself and create deeper meaning in your life so that you're happy. So that when the right person comes along, your decisions are driven by mutual investment, not by fantasies. If this resonates with you and you want me to be your partner in helping you achieve these two things, try the retreat program. It is the best thing I have ever created for accomplishing, valuing ourself, true confidence and creating happiness and meaning in our lives. I'll leave a link here, MatthewHusseyRetreat.com and see you there.