Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 77: Conversation w/ Matt and Steve: Love addiction, Avoiding Red Flags, How To Set The Right Goals

Episode Date: January 16, 2021

Heyyyy, It's a chat episode! We sit down to talk about: - How to identify addictive behaviours - Avoiding red flags vs. not being affected by past relationships - How to figure out your goals - Crunchy vs. smooth peanut butter  It's all here - come join and let us know your thoughts at [e-mail] ---  Follow Matt - @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen - @stephenhhussey

Hello everyone and welcome back to the Love Life podcast and who have I? I am Stephen Hussey of course and who have I got in the room in the Zoom room with me? It's none other than Matthew Hussey, my brother. How are you sir? Happy January Steve. Happy January. It's that that time it's gone past new year enough now you can't say happy new year um well happy January and uh what uh how is the new year treating you so far I'm I'm you know I know that people are feeling like last year sort of just bled into this year and it doesn't really feel like a fresh start but I'm a big believer in the fact that you have to give yourself the fresh start you can't wait for the macro of things to give you the fresh start and that's not to say it's easy it's not there's a lot of reasons that we could still sort of feel the life sucked out of us right now but

but I'm giving myself the fresh start you know with work with projects with things I want to achieve none of that is slowing down because of everything that's going on I'm still being just as aggressive with my goals and I encourage other people to do the same um and well I like that I've been I've been trying to keep my focus very modest and look at just the next month that's how I've been I've been doing a keep my focus very modest and look at just the next month. That's how I've been. I've been doing a sort of month by month approach. That's how I'm taking the year.

And I'm like, what can I do at the end of 30 days to feel like I leapt forward? And then I'm going to revise in 30 days and see how that goes. I feel like you and I already, where did we speak about this? Because I told you my philosophy is almost the opposite where I've, I'm like looking at the next two years and I've, I've got the next two years mapped out of my life. And in a way, that's how I zoom out of the, you've gone zoom in and, you know, focus just on the next month. And I've zoomed out and gone,

there's a much bigger plan in the next two years so let's not worry about you know the fact that the next few months are still gonna crawl along in certain areas yeah we've come at it from different angles and found a different way through it yeah which i kind of like deja vu did we speak about this somewhere already when we were live well we spoke about this on our wonderful VIP members area, Matt. Oh, that's right. We did it on a Love Life webinar. We did.

That's right. Okay, yeah. Well, what were you thinking of doing today? Because I said to you, Steve, hey, let's do a podcast together this week. What were you thinking for it? Well, I asked some people on social media for some questions. I sort of wanted this to be a bit of reflection on the things we've been talking about in, you know, our dating content lately. And, you know, just some reflections on where we are in 2021, like where we're, you know, how we can feel good going into the new year,

how you're thinking about it. And just for people who, you know, know our regular podcasts, we're going to try and do some more of these, aren't we? Just of us having a little catch up chat. If people like it, Steve, if they call for more. Matt and Steve cozy cozy time cozy coffee with matt and steve we'll see how this one goes if people are like i want more of this then we'll do it again but we have to do a great job for that we have to learn that right right i have um

an interesting question for you we will go we'll go to something we talked about on dating recently but do you have do you have a book that had a big impact on you in 2020 that's what um laura on social media asked or what are you looking forward to getting the time to read i've been there's well two books i've been enjoying one in 2020 i enjoyed was Mythos by Stephen Fry which was essentially his his sort of somewhat colloquial casual retelling of the Greek myths which I really enjoyed because I never studied Greek mythology but there's so much of our roots that is both moral and ethical and linguistic that are contained within greek mythology that i just find it so interesting and also when you're reading greek mythology you realize that just how many things that we think are original are poor plagiarisms of things that

have already been said and told in Greek mythology. Yeah. So I've been reading that. I was also reading Russell Brand's Recovery, the book Recovery by Russell Brand, which is his take on the 12-step AA program. And I've really enjoyed that. I love learning about addictions. And I think that we're, you know, it's a really funny us and them world that gets created when it comes to addiction, which I think is, it's very fun.

It speaks perfectly of human nature that when we think of addiction and we're like, a lot of people would probably look and go Matt why are you reading a book on recovery like why would you read a book that's designed for alcoholics and I always think that mindset is we're letting ourselves off the hook to such an extraordinary degree by thinking that there's those over there who have an addiction and then there's the rest of us who don't suffer from that and you go have you looked at yourself you know have you seen the way that you pick up your phone like a little you know cracky fix that you need every two seconds have you seen the way that you eat have you seen the way that you consume TV or porn or whatever it may be? We like,

everyone's got their thing. I don't, I'm not sure I know anyone who hasn't. Have you seen the way I get with a lovely bag of Haribo golden bears when I'm reaching in for that? I eat bags of them. I know you do. And that salt and sweet popcorn that you love from Tesco's.

Yeah, I've sort of overdosed on that a bit now. I sort of have to have a break from it. I just want to say this, and this isn't a paid promotion, but Tesco's, if you want salty and sweet popcorn, this isn't going to be relevant to people in the US, but if you happen to be listening to this in England, Tesco's have the best salty and sweet popcorn. Credit where it's due, Steve. That's a freebie. freebie no it's fantastic it's the best one out there um sorry sorry you were

saying about deep severe addiction issues yes yeah yeah exactly so everyone's got their thing and I I've really enjoyed learning more about the 12-step program because I do think we're all we're all addicts whether we like to admit it or not do you think there's an application with what we do in relationships people showing addictive behaviors oh for sure yeah for sure I I recognize it in myself Steve you know in in my past the way I've you know sought love not just sought the feeling of love but sometimes put the feeling of being loved above the feeling of even feeling in love wow you know like we think of love addicts as people who are just addicted to the feeling of love but you know

to the falling in love part but sometimes getting your fix can just be you know being loved and feeling desire feeling desired and I've had I've had those relationships where I've come to realize God I'm not I'm not even in love I'm just really feel safe here you know I feel loved and there's a there is an addictive nature to that. So it's, yeah, you know, obviously people have their addiction when it comes to a person. They're micro-dosing on someone that's not good for them. They know that this person isn't good for them, but they have to lie to themselves in order to keep seeing this person, to not feel like they're crazy.

You know, oh, well, he did this thing for me the other day oh i think he's changing oh but i really think it might go somewhere it hasn't already and it's shown no signs of really changing but you know we find ways to keep getting our fix it's very dangerous yeah yeah i uh yeah i think i think you do have to, addiction is one of those things you do have to be ever vigilant and look at your own. We have these weird like mouse like repetitive behaviors and anywhere you be, anywhere you're constantly repetitive and you like whatever your reaction instinctively is to stress, I feel is a good clue to your addictive behaviors. That's interesting with like when you feel stress or anxiety like what do you typically sort of do um when you go to what what what kick do you look for when you're down yeah yeah for sure um that's true i also brandon also talks

about you know he puts it very eloquently when know, he puts it very eloquently when he, as he puts everything very eloquently, but he put very eloquently the idea that there know, it started when he had noble intentions to actually make an impact, but then started getting tons of attention for the work that he was doing in politics. And I suppose that's, you know, the amount of attention he got, how clever everyone thought he was, people getting a big following for it. And he said all of a sudden, without knowing it, his addiction, his ego hijacked what started as a noble cause, a noble intention. And, you know, I check myself on that all the time. It's always good. When I make a video, it always comes from a place of really good intention where I go, I've got a message here that I know is going to help people. And then I sit with you or Jameson or Harry, and I, you know, craft that idea and put

it out into the world. And I'm very proud of this very pure thing that I've created. And if I've done a really good job of that, then it connects with people. But when it connects with people, all of a sudden people start sharing it in droves and commenting on it in droves and talking about how wonderful the video is or how wonderful I am or whatever. And before I know it that day, if I'm not careful, I've checked the comments five times in a row now. And I go, oh, hang on. The first time I did it was me just getting a read on whether people were benefiting and what was the feedback the second time okay third time fourth time now we're in trouble why am I checking it a fifth time what you know I already got the read I already

I already got the read on how people are feeling about it and any good feedback why am I checking it again now and and all of a sudden what started with good intentions gets turned over to one's ego and that's the dangerous point we've all got to be careful of yeah the um the transformation of intentions yeah it's like getting getting results will then reveal why you're actually doing the thing in the first place and then it well how many how many of the you know most charitable works we see and the biggest givers of all time how much of that was being driven by pure intention and how much being driven by ego you know in some cases we'll never know and um it it's and look i do actually think that it's not about

demonizing this we all have both we've all got the best intentions and this voice this ego that is always looking to take the wheel always looking to take the credit always looking to hijack a good buzz for its own ends as those two are always there together in the room and i think it's just worth checking in with ourselves regularly and saying who's who's driving the car right now are my good intentions driving the car or is my ego driving the car right now it's always worth it because they're always there. It's not, no one's one or the other. They're always both there. It's just asking the question, which one is driving the car right now?

I like that. That's good. Just to circle back on one thing, when we were talking about the New Year's stuff, we had a question from Sean who said, what's your best method for goal planning or setting? So I think the interesting thing is like, is it like an instinctive thing? Is it very calculated or is it a kind of, you know,

your inner compass you search for and think, where am I trying to get to? Like, how logical is it versus a kind of gut thing i mean we talk about this on the the virtual retreat which by the way is coming up in march what the dates not march the 19th to the 21st um for anyone who wants to go and check that out we we talk a lot about this uh on the virtual retreat uh oh by the way who anyone who wants to go and check that out. We talk a lot about this on the virtual retreat. Oh, and by the way, anyone who wants to go check that out, it's at mhvirtualretreat.com. But there's different ways to arrive at goals. There is no one perfect way. Sometimes we are genuinely inspired by something that we want to do in life. Those moments are not good to wait for though, because life is happening right now while you're waiting for your inspiration. So I'm a big fan of getting the car

moving no matter what, you know, just find a way to get the car moving. Because I do believe that you get more answers on what you want to do by doing things than by sitting around and contemplating all of the time. I think that answers are a reward for doing things. And so I usually tell people to start, if they really don't know what to do with their year or their next six months or their next month, I asked them to start by looking for areas of dissatisfaction you know what what frustrates you right now what annoys you right now what your gripes with your life whether it's that you don't have enough time or that you're bored in your work or you know that you feel lonely

and you're starved of friendships what What are the things that are bothering you? Because usually what you want is some form of an inverse of that. Or the things you're not happy about leave clues as to what you should be aiming for. And that's a crude way of doing it, but it does work. You know, when we were early in our company what bothered me was that I'm doing all of this one-to-one coaching it's not my favorite thing in the world I'm I'm good at it but it's not what I don't see my future in this and also I can't I

can't scale this you know this is just me giving up my my time constantly and this is not a growth strategy and so you know that was a frustration once I know that frustration I say well what would allow me to have more time what would allow me to impact more people than 10 20 30 40 people a week 50 if I'm killing myself you know what what would allow me to impact more people well it would be if I had something I'd created that I could get to everybody that gets created once but then can be given to many many many people and it doesn't cost me more time every time another person uses it you know so that's a simple you know explanation for how I ended up having the goal of creating a program but it's not that I started with the goal of creating a program I started with the idea that I really love this

kind of content and I want to help people but it didn't start with me creating a program it started with me doing one-to-one coaching but when I got dissatisfied with an element of that a goal all of a sudden is born so you know if you're not inspired right now by something you want to head towards look for the areas of dissatisfaction yeah that's uh that's great advice because I think people really do get try and figure out their whole life as an abstraction. But I think starting with what's frustration tells you where your gut is. Yeah. And stop looking for the things you're most interested in. Or I should say, stop looking for your ultimate passion.

Probably you're a bundle of passions. You're a bundle of interests. There are many things that you like. It's about looking for the things that we like doing consistently is probably a more modest goal to aim for. Not what's your one true passion or your one true calling, but what are the things I like doing or I'm interested in doing consistently? And the only way you'll know those things is by trying things,

is by tasting things it's by tasting things is by uh you know getting the car moving i like it um well i don't want to keep this on too much longer uh just one thing just reflecting on the uh video we released this week about anxiety in uh in relationships and kind of looking at like when you when you uh lash out you know because of you're like triggered by something in your past or something from a previous relationship that you know you see a new behavior and it really like boils you up and you know you suddenly do something you might regret. Do you, I was just wondering on that, you know, what do you think is the line between saying, well, maybe you're just seeing something that you know deep down in your gut. It's like, I don't like this behavior.

I've seen it before. It's bad news. And it's like i don't like this behavior i've seen it before it's bad news and it's a red flag and kind of also on the other hand giving the person a chance and the benefit of the doubt and being like well don't just assume they are my ex because they did something that reminded me of that relationship do you know what i mean does that make sense because you don't you don't want to ruin the new one all the time by being overly aggressive, but you also don't want to ignore warning signs. It's a great question. And I think we have to try to, well, firstly, communication is

really important and communication from the point of view of not immediately accusing someone of something, but expressing how you're feeling and how something is affecting you. And acknowledging that it's possible that part of it could be to do with things you've experienced in the past as opposed to the reality of what's going on now. And then what we have to do is be honest with ourselves about how much of what I am experiencing internally is to do with genuine things that have unfolded versus story that I have created. Because it's very easy to take the smallest of things and to build 20 30 40 different stories around that depending on where your narrative tends to go and so any any piece of information can legitimately back up whatever it is you want it to back up in isolation

so the key then is to say okay is it in isolation or is it a pattern when i communicate it do i get answers that soothe me or answers that further aggravate this feeling that i have. And, um, and as I learn more about the story, you know, as I watch more of life unfold with this person, does it confirm this feeling that I have, or actually is it evident that this is actually a different movie that's unfolding it's not you know despite the fact that this movie has a couple of scenes that are similar to previous movies i've watched it might be that the story is very different in this movie than a previous

movie there are many movies that have very different very similar scenes with very different messages um and so i think that that it's about exploring what's the message of this movie and that's not to say you shouldn't you you shouldn't pay attention to what's going on and you should disregard it in a kind of you know naive head in the clouds way that everything's always going to be all right it's it's about paying attention to what's actually going on and recognizing that our brain is this extraordinary supercomputer that is its own kind of Sherlock Holmes that can make thousands of deductions in such a short space of time

and it is both one of the most amazing properties of the brain and one of the most dangerous ones because it usually makes those deductions based on our experiences in the past not necessarily based on the reality of what's going on now. So, you know, how much of the story am I generating versus is truly what I've seen? And if part of what I'm seeing is making me uncomfortable, then am I actually communicating that with them? Because I will learn so much from their reaction. The reaction will tell me so much, but if I don't, if I don't communicate,

if I don't have the conversation in some way, then I'm going to have a conversation with them in my head. And that's where, that's where things start to get dangerous. A lot of us are having too many conversations in our heads uh instead of having them out loud with the people in front of us yeah i love that um yeah i think such a big part of you know a lot of things you and we as a you know company have talked about is in relationships being wary of your first your first response and taking a moment to taking a moment to communicate what you mean clearly rather than taking your your

your emotional instinctive animal response and then also not judging their first reaction you know like looking at their reaction and being like, let's see how it processes over the next day or so. Let's not assume everything based on one conversation, one response. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Lovely stuff. Well, I'm not going to keep you, sir.

But two very hot questions from our listeners. One from Anna. Batman or Superman? Oh. I suppose... I mean, Superman, he's just... He's essentially a god, isn't he? I guess it might be just, who do you like more?

I think I like Superman more. Oh, really? I didn't expect you to say that. No. Do you know what? Maybe I'll go Batman. I'll go Batman. Do you know why? Because, you know, Batman has, he's had to, he's had to work at that. Right. I mean, granted, he's a trust fund, you know, kid. So it's not like he didn't have to work at the money part, but he did have to,

he did have to become Batman. He wasn't, he wasn't born a Batman. No, Superman's just like sort of the equivalent of the best looking kid in class. They didn't do anything to earn it. They just were born, you know,

anointed with all of these amazing qualities. So yeah, I think maybe Batman. All right. Batman, the underdog in that situation, isn't he? He is, that's true. Somehow. Yeah, they were a lot more evenly matched in that movie

than you think they would have been. Didn't make a lot of sense to me, Steve, I'll be honest. And last one from Claudia, smooth or crunchy peanut butter? Smooth. I'm crunchy all the way. So there you go. Maybe that is it all about us, Matt.

Well, I like your eating habits on most fronts. But I don't, the crunchy thing just thing just i liked peanut butter to me is basically dessert and i when i crunch it it feels like i'm tasting more it feels more nutritional no i like i say i love the little chunks and the nuts and things well there we are we won't be raiding each other's peanut butter. I will raid your almond butter. I love that stuff. All right.

Let's toddle off for now. Thanks for joining, everyone. Maybe we'll do it again next week. Maybe we'll do it again next week. We'll see. Okay. We've got a hard maybe, folks. We'll see how that goes. 15 minutes.

Next week, we'll do a 15 minute episode 15 minute episode um all right thanks for joining everyone uh if you want to join our next virtual retreat go to mhvirtualretreat.com and join us there for a full well the whole retreat experience in your home with all of us and our team we have some fun we do our full retreat right matt it's i mean it's got all of the magic of the live in-person retreat for three days in your own home wherever you are in the world so more could you want you gotta come you gotta come it's going to be a year-changing event and i believe that it will still be having a massive impact on you five years from from now i don't believe it will stop paying dividends years into the future i think

it'll be you'll continue to think it's one of the best decisions you've ever made absolutely so that's it from us for today we'll call it there um thanks everyone for joining thank you matthew for joining us and uh we will hopefully see you around see you next week everyone everyone. Thanks, Steve. All right. Catch you later. Cue the theme music.