Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 79: How To Have Real Charisma, Get Rid Of Bad Conversation Habits, And Speak Under Pressure (Even If You’re An Introvert!)

Episode Date: January 21, 2021

Ever wanted to be a better public speaker? Wish you could feel confident and charismatic when you walk into a room? In this episode, Matt and I sit down to discuss: - Why you can *still* have massive impact as an introvert - How to get rid of your bad conversation habits - The secret to overcoming shyness - How to answer difficult questions under pressure (and look good doing it!) --- If you're serious about upgrading your people skills, transforming your confidence, and learning the secrets of unstoppable charisma, go to GetImpactNow.com to get your copy of our bestselling IMPACT program! (Doors close Saturday 23rd January at midnight Pacific Time).     

Certain core competencies, like being able to make a great point, like being persuasive, like understanding how to listen well, like should not, people who are, who see themselves as reserved or introverted should not abdicate responsibility for them and cede ground in life to people who are simply louder by saying, well, it's their skill set, not mine. That's everyone and welcome back. Guess who is in the room with me, at least the virtual room. It's Matthew Hussey once again hello Matthew hey it's good to be here with you Stephen good to be with you brother so I want to roll off of the excellent video you released this week seven powerful people skills to make your voice heard and kind of to set this up for people this wasn't love life related this was about all aspects of interpersonal communication dealing with people in your life this is a topic

you're very passionate about am I right yeah because it's been it has been the set of skills that I would say has been responsible for so many of the things that have happened in my life. I'm passionate about it because it has worked for me and I never stopped using them. The skills of making an impact, making an impression, communicating well have not just served me in my love life, they have brought me opportunities. And in many cases, opportunities at an age and a level of experience that were even beyond where I was at the time. But I got those opportunities because I was able to make an impression in the room, so to speak. And one thing I noticed in the video is how much in this bit i know we've spoken

about you know we've done many videos on people skills and this one in particular focused a lot on many of the pitfalls people make and there's almost a suggestion that a lot of good communication can simply come from avoiding the traps of being a bad communicator uh is there a lot of simply getting rid of the flaws that make you abrasive or frustrating for others to talk to like your blind spots where you interrupt all the time or your you disagree in a very uh you know unpleasant way is it is a lot of it getting rid of these sort of tics that you don't realize? I think it comes in both forms. For example, there are things that you choose to do proactively, like exhibit passion when you speak.

That's a proactive measure. Not interrupting someone when they're speaking is putting the brakes on something that could harm you. So that's more of a, I suppose, a defensive play or it's, you know, being aware of something not to do perhaps more appropriately. So I think it comes in both forms. I've seen videos of me where I started in a very flat way. And then I've seen videos of me where I started in an energetic way,

for example. And there are podcasts where I've heard people, you know, they just kind of, I, for example, I'm a fan of certain podcasts that every time it starts, the person starts with a certain good energy. And I realized, oh, I like that. I know this sounds daft after 14 years but in a way I come full circle a little bit because when I started out I used to bring

lots of energy when I first started video and then I thought you know what I want to be more authentically me so then I would start to uh be a bit more just how I felt in that moment. And that would result sometimes in good energy and sometimes in me just feeling really flat because I wasn't in a very good mood at the time of making the video and I didn't want to put on some sort of fake energy. energy but then now I'm at a stage in my life where I realize it's not it's not my job to subject my audience to the vicissitudes of my mood it's my job to bring them as a professional it's my job to bring them to a better place than when they started the video, which doesn't mean faking it. It just means for this five minutes, I've got to bring my best. And that might mean lifting myself up a little bit out

of where I'm at right now. So that, again, would be a proactive thing. But there are many things not to do. And I'm equally always looking for the parts of my speech and my communication that I think hurt me. I, for example, have recently, one of my things this year is to swear less, to curse less. Not because I have some great philosophical problem with cursing. I don't want anyone to run away with the thought that I have suddenly come to, had to come to Jesus moment with my swearing

and thought oh no they're right I should never swear it's offensive or I don't care about that it's more that I just have realized that too many times I swear out of an insecurity that the point I'm making isn't going to carry enough emphasis on its own. That adding a curse word will give it the emphasis it needs for people to really hear it. And though I think a well-placed curse word can actually make a big difference, at times I think I'm not a fan of when I look at certain videos and I think I've overused that tool because I because not out of a genuine mastery of emphasis but actually from a

place of insecurity that my point isn't going to be heard if I don't and and that uh that's something I want to weed out so I don't say that because I think other people should do the same I say it because I think everybody should look at their language patterns the way they speak their energy and and really be honest with themselves about where their effectiveness in communication is being hurt or hindered by the habits they have. Yeah, I totally agree. I noticed when I first watched a video back of myself doing a public talk on stage, it's quite shocking and humbling how much you assume you're generally competent in certain areas and you see these fid fidgets this flat tone a certain lack

of energy and it's really I opens your eyes to saying oh there there are all these things I do I could do way better now I realize that's how that comes across and you know if people can do that find a way to record yourself do a little video on your Instagram, you'll constantly notice verbal tics, stuttering, parts where your energy could be higher. It's really... Because it is one of these areas people do... There tends to sometimes be a blanket assumption that someone is a people person, someone is a great presenter, someone is just naturally good in telling stories in an environment. But if you look at a lot of people, even go back and watch any YouTuber you really enjoy, watch the first videos. Those people, most of them don't start naturally amazing. You'll go to the first one, you'll be like, wow, they've gone far since they started like five, six, seven years ago.

So it's really amazing to find it's something you can genuinely bring your level up on. And it's not just like some people are charismatic, some people aren't. And that's not my skill, so I'm not going to invest in that. That's exactly right. It's nonsense, the idea that someone starts out with all these skills. You can start out with raw talent, the same way that someone can pick up a tennis racket and have raw talent. But you still are to be world-class is absurd. You have to, there are certain things you can't shortcut. And I noticed them all the time in myself, all the time. Like I was watching an interview with me and Esther Perel just the other day

and she was speaking and she was making these great points. And I noticed, not that I was interrupting her, but that while she was speaking she would I would every time I'd agree with a point I'd I'd verbalize it in some way I'd be like yeah yes yes yes and I realized in conversation that can work in video form or radio it's annoying because you want to just listen to the point Esther's making but every five seconds you've got me punctuating sentences with a yes and so you know I looked at that and I and i thought oh i even even when i agree with someone i need to to not make noise there like occasionally i might make a little one just to

remind the listeners that i'm in the room but but actually i need to really shut up and and signal my approval with my facial expressions um you know the odd odd noise, but not overdo it. These are very subtle things. No one, people watching that video, there's no comment under that video of someone saying, oh, it really annoys me that you keep saying yes. It's not like people will tell you these things in life, but that's the problem is that our impact gets reduced because of these things that people aren't honest with us about, but they do hurt us. They do affect us. And we can be so much more effective than we already are, which is why it frustrates me when people say, oh, I know this stuff, or this is really basic stuff. Because I think to myself, I've been learning this for 14 years. You know, I've spoken on stage for

God knows how many hours at this stage I've done. I've had my own radio show. I've had my own TV shows. I've, I've done so much in the way of broadcasting and, and simply broadcasting my voice in general and my message and our message. It's it I never stop picking up new things and I never stop finding ways that I can improve so I'm just always astonished when people think they've arrived yeah and uh no I totally agree I mean there's there's so it's such a treasure trove of things you can learn and improve on it is like you know you you can endlessly perfect a tennis serve and the best tennis players work on their serve still after a decade of playing tennis you know they don't say i've mastered my serve now and i don't need to do that um and it's not just

your serve there's every stroke i guarantee you i could listen back to this little podcast we've done today and find five things that I need to improve on for next time and so if someone thought they aren't a natural people person and you know they would like to be better but they think well shouldn't I just focus on what I'm good at I'm the quiet person I'm good at my job but I'm just not that kind of person. I can't present, I can't pitch, it's not really what I do well. Do you think that person will benefit immeasurably if they take some time to invest in this and be more open-minded? Being quiet isn't an excuse for not being effective. You don't have to become the loudest person in the room. You don't have to become the life and soul of the party. I'm not. I think

sometimes people might assume I am because I'm a certain way on stage, but I'm a certain way on stage because I come alive on stage. I don't come alive at a party the way I come alive on stage. That's not who I am. I am more reserved, a little bit more quiet. I'm happier to hang back and let other people be the life and soul of the party. So it's not about changing your nature. It's about understanding that there are certain things you have to do in life. It's like time management. Who in this world who wants to be successful can afford to be a poor time manager? It doesn't matter if you say, well, I grew up slightly messy or disorganized or whatever. Fine.

But I guarantee you, you'll never go as far as you can if your time management is poor. Communication is the same thing. You don't have to become, you know, more gregarious than you are necessarily, or a lot louder than you are. You just do have to recognize that certain core competencies, like being able to make a great point, like being persuasive, like understanding how to listen well, like understanding the right time to speak, like understanding what it means to bring great energy to a conversation or to a speech. These things are core skill sets, and they shouldn't,

they should not, people who are, who see themselves as reserved or introverted should not abdicate responsibility for them and see ground in life to people who are simply louder by saying well it's their skill set not mine that's a cop-out yeah i uh yeah i noticed that over the years as well and it and and it becomes more enjoyable as well i you know I've someone who's always found myself shy at parties and things but once I realized to let other people be heard to make other people you know lift them up make them feel important it becomes more fun

because it's not about me and how people think of me it kind of gets you out of your own head when you're you're able to actually focus the interaction on the people and bringing the energy and having a good time but oh this is more fun now because i'm not in that mode anymore listen shyness shyness is by definition an indulgent state yeah you think of it as this kind of i don't know this meek, slightly, you know, it's like a burden you carry is that you're shy. It's a selfish state to begin with. I'm not saying the intention is selfish, but the result is selfish.

Yeah. It makes that event, that party, that dinner, it makes it about you. Yeah. And instead of saying there are other people in this room that party, that dinner, it makes it about you. And instead of saying, there are other people in this room who feel exactly the way I do right now, and the most generous thing I could do for them is to go and give them energy, is to go and introduce myself, to greet them warmly so that they don't feel the way I feel right now. That's a genuine fact.

Shyness is holding back and ignoring how everyone else feels because the most important thing in the room is how you feel. Yeah. And there's a generosity to investing in your people skills to be able to pitch, to be able to present, to be able to share your ideas. That's a generous act. Like I'm going to be able to speak about these things publicly. I totally agree. It can be a good tip for being shy is to find someone in the room, find, look for the most shy person you can see in the room. The one that you think is probably the most shy, the one having the most trouble and go do for them what you wish someone would

do for you right now. love that um just two quick questions before we wrap up today um first of all uh we had someone who asked uh if you're awful at being put on the spot how do you respond so it's from diane how do you respond to get the pressure off to alleviate your anxiety and formulate a good response in the moment so people who just freeze under that social pressure well we we often freeze for a number of reasons i mean physiologically we stop breathing properly we you know the attention goes on to us and we start breathing shallow we get less oxygen and immediately we start to panic. Our body goes into a different mode. So breathe, you know, just slow down your breathing when someone's asking you

a question and then take time in your answer. Don't feel you need to rush into having an opinion. If you are not sure about the question they've asked you ask for clarification you know do you know when you say that do you mean do you mean this or do you mean this if you're not sure don't don't feel like you need to pretend you understood the question be prepared to be be prepared to sound dumb you can be charming and and not know you know so ask them to elaborate that will always buy you more time as well to think about what you want to say. Explain to someone that what they're asking you is, you know, I'm not really sure about that or I need to think about that. That's a really cool question, though.

That's a good question. You know, you don't you can still compliment the question and not have an immediate answer. But I would also say part of the reason we seize up is because we think we have to have the perfect answer to what someone says. And if you actually take the – no one who sits down to write who is an experienced writer thinks that what they have to write on that page is perfect. They know that the goal is to start start writing you know that better than anyone steven as a writer so you have to lower the pressure and say i'm not i don't have to say the most insightful thing in the world right now if someone says what's your favorite movie

sometimes it's about not accepting the frame of the question you know I I don't when someone says what's your favorite movie I don't indulge that frame of reference to begin with I'll immediately tell them okay well firstly that's an impossible question a movie I like though is and then I'll tell them a movie I like and you have to realize that when someone, what's your favorite movie? Even they don't care really about the literal answer to that question. What they care about in that moment is that you guys have a conversation and they're trying to figure out a movie that you like. But when you take everyone literally all the time, like, oh, here's what they've asked me. So that's what I have to answer. You know what the great, like one of the great things, if you look at Tony Robbins, who has a tough, you know, obviously more stage time than almost anybody in the world.

When he's in an interview and an interviewer says, what are your top three secrets for being successful or whatever? Tony's masterful because he doesn't buy into the frame of the question he doesn't allow people to dictate things in that way so he'll say well i mean there's a lot more than three but here i'll give you a couple and he'll just maybe give one or two he doesn't he doesn't feel like he has to answer the question he's been asked he just you know it's like let me take that pressure off the thing you're asking me for five things no well listen i don't know about five like off the top of my head but i'll give you three really important ones right now he he does not care you

know it's not they're not god they're not you i have to answer exactly what you've asked me and that's a really powerful place to come from so i would say that you make the rules in conversation and don't have a rule that you need to say the most brilliant thing don't have a rule that you have to answer everything immediately don't have a rule that you have to answer the exact question that was asked um instead just do what you can with that moment uh that is really practical that is genuinely super practical uh life-changing advice i'm gonna say uh yeah just being able to not accept the questioner as god and decide your own rules in the conversation yeah um all right let's uh let's wrap up there. But we have some very special news, don't we, Matt?

Because our best-selling, universally beloved impact program is actually available right now for a very short time. Yeah, for anyone who's, I mean, if you've enjoyed this conversation, if you enjoyed the video that we just brought out, that was all about communication skills, not as they relate to your love life, although they can absolutely be used in your love life. But it was really designed more broadly for people in business, for people in their personal relationships in general, networking. networking, if this is the kind of content that you love from us, or if you love the love life content, but you're just like, I love when you guys talk about other areas of life too. We have a program called Impact that we only allow admission into a couple of times a year. And people always flood the page when we open it because it's an extremely popular program but it's not available all year and it's become I suppose maybe one of our top two most requested programs because

it's so practical for life in general I mean the tools that you learn in this program about how to be more persuasive how to make a more impact when you're in a room with people how to be a better storyteller how to project yourself differently um all of those how to deal with confrontation better i mean how to you know sales networking it's like it's like dow carnegie's how to win friends andluence People brought into this era that we're in right now, but with also my special source that I've developed over the years of understanding some of the most incredible influencers of our time and how they do what they do. And it's stuff that can be learned. You do not have to settle for your level of impact right now. You can absolutely be a much more powerful person.

And you're the asset that anytime you add value to that asset, it will pay off for the rest of your life. And you're the only asset you can genuinely say that about with 100% certainty. Anytime you add to your skill sets it will pay off forever you're the golden goose of your life uh and so that program is open right now i depending on what day this is coming out steve uh this may even be the last day of impact what day are releasing this uh well no we'll release this podcast on thursday So we will, it will be available till the end of Saturday. Oh, so then you're, you're, yeah, the impact is available right now. And where's Steve, what's the link for people to go and get it? So the link is get impact now.com.

Okay. So get impact now.com. Um, it's, it's my baby. These are all the skill sets that I use that people don't even realize I'm using because they're focused on the fact that I give love and dating advice most of the time. They don't even realize that the way that we've built our brand, the way that we've built a global audience, the opportunities that have come to me over time, the reason that I've been able to create videos that are so widely shared is because of the skills that I've put in this program. So it's the skill set behind the skill set that you're going to learn here. Yeah. And I know as a natural introvert, like having invested in being able to present on a podcast, on a video, I speak on stage at our retreats, being able to know I can go in a room and pitch or persuade if necessary, talk to a team,

all that stuff has immeasurably benefited my confidence, my life, just knowing I can handle those situations. I'm not going to freak out if I'm asked to suddenly talk and get up and say something, Steve. Those kinds of things are huge, huge life skills that you never lose. They're life-changing. So go getimpactnow.com is the website. Go check it out for yourself. And, Steve, another great podcast. Thanks, bro.

And I'll also say there's an awesome series in there called masters of impact where matt himself uh interviews some of his favorite people influencers all across the spectrum of business and all different fields and talks to them about their secrets of impact so it's really cool oh my god we didn't even mention the bonus that is really special this time around because it's never been offered before uh we're actually doing a live impact master class as part of this for anyone who does purchase this this time around before saturday uh before midnight on saturday it's going to be me steven jameson who is our resident storyteller videographer um director and my dad uh steve hussey we are all going to be together on an impact masterclass my dad's going to be answering questions about dealing with confrontation and negotiation i'm going to be talking about storytelling and how

to build an audience steven's going to be talking about impact from a writing perspective and answering any questions there jameson is going to be talking about impact from a writing perspective and answering any questions there. Jameson is going to be talking about it from a storytelling perspective and give you secrets that we've used to build the platform that we have and create unbelievable video. I mean, it is going to be one of the most valuable things we've ever done. And it's not for sale. I mean, it literally is only a bonus as part of the impact program. So that, if you want no other reason to do it than that, it's going to be worth it just to be on that live webinar where you can ask your questions of us

for your business or your personal life or whatever it is you want to use us for. Very good. Go get it now and we'll see you. Well, when will you see him next, Steve? In a few days? Yeah, we'll see you well when will you see him next steve in a few days yeah we'll see you next in a few days uh yeah so that's it get impact now.com thanks as ever for joining us matt and we will be back real soon thanks guys cheers steve i see the blog sites Steve.