Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 8: The Dumbest Mistake People Make In Dating

Episode Date: March 13, 2020

Last episode we talked about how to respond to a flakey guy using “Bliss Point” text messages - which combines being salty and sweet to make someone WANT to pursue you and live up to your standards.  Except… Some of the more angry responses said things like: “Matt, why would I even think about being sweet to a guy who flakes on a date?? He should be chasing me already, and if not, I have a right to be angry when I text back…” To tell you the truth, I’m really glad these comments came up (and I kind of expected it). In this week’s podcast, we explain why this response relates to a huge mistake 99% of people make in dating. Make sure you don’t fall into this common trap... Email the show at [e-mail] Follow Matthew @thematthewhussey, or Stephen @stephenhhussey on Twitter and Instagram!   

That's the most powerful part of dating. If you want to know what I think is the dumbest mistake people are making in dating, it's wearing all of their consequences in their tone and none of them Love Life Podcast. I am Stephen Hussey, your host, your companion, your chum to guide you through these episodes. Today we are going to be doing a follow-up on a concept we talked about on the last episode on the three texts that make someone pursue you. So if you remember in that episode we talked about a concept called the bliss point and it's the idea of the ideal form of communication

is a perfect mix between salty and sweet when communicating your standards. But there are people who may critique this and may say, well, what if I'm just pissed with someone and that's what I want to express in that moment when they violate my standards. So we are going to jump to a live clip of Matt on stage talking about his response to this critique and one of the dumbest mistakes people make

in the area of communication in dating. Check it out. This weekend, I release a video about something I call the bliss point. The food industry has a term, a term called the bliss point. The bliss point is the optimal level of salty and sweet in a food that keeps you wanting more of it. Think Nutella, think peanut butter, kettle corn. What's the bliss point that means even though you're getting full, you're not satiated. You keep wanting more of that food. I believe there's a bliss point in communication. And what I have done for this weekend's video that comes out Saturday evening

for YouTube is I have broken down three text messages from guys and given people three response, three bliss point responses, one for each text. Here's my prediction. This is the magic trick. There are going to be a decent number of comments under this video from women who say something along the lines of, if a guy isn't texting me on the day of our date and isn't giving me a plan or is being flaky or is making me do all the work, screw him.

I'm not going to send him one of these sweet, salty messages that you talk about. I'm not going to be about. I'm not going to be nice. I'm not going to be kind. And they'll have some like hashtag that says boy bye or something. Mark my words. In anticipation of these comments, because I know they're coming, I started to think about this. And I thought, what will I say to those people who I already know are going to say it, even though they don't know they're going to say it yet? You don't have to be ruthless in your tone

if you are ruthless in your actions. I'll repeat. You don't have to be ruthless in your tone if you are ruthless in your actions. In fact, if you are ruthless in your actions, you can be sweet as pie in your tone. Tone isn't that big of a consequence. Tone just has the ability to make you sound really unattractive and hurt by something so what tone has the potential to do is show someone that they have total power over your emotions i get angry with you i get pissy with you i do that whole boy bye all i'm showing is that you have actually had an effect on me you've've actually angered me. You, who I barely know, you who I barely know, who might as well be a stranger, we've seen each other this little, you have had this much of an effect on my emotions. No. You have a standard, and that standard is, you're a great person.

You're a kind person. You're a positive person. And so when someone does something that doesn't meet your standard, you don't become a mean, passive-aggressive, obnoxious, difficult, nasty, snippy person. You stay sweet and kind and positive and warm. but your actions tell the story of the consequences. That's the most powerful part of dating. If you want to know what I think is the dumbest mistake people are making in dating,

it's wearing all of their consequences in their tone and none of them in their actions. Because I guarantee that same woman who's getting all angry and bitter and passive aggressive in her tone, I'll guarantee that same woman a week later, if he gets all sweet with her, we'll start to maybe think about seeing him again.

In other words, she's ruthless in her tone and completely moldable and malleable in her actions. The reverse is much more powerful. You know why people get so pissed off in their tone? It's because they really are planning on seeing him again. They're like, why do you do this? You're making this so difficult. I really want to see you. I like you, and you're annoying me, and you think you could just do this to me but they're angry at themselves not angry they're angry at themselves because they know tomorrow they're still going to want to see him that's what they're pissed off about screw you for making me swallow my pride in the text I'm going to send you tomorrow.

You don't, you're not angry if you don't care about, if you're not really interested in seeing someone again, you don't get angry. Do you? Like, if you're out of my life tomorrow and I'm never going to see you again, am I really that angry? No, I'm like, I'm on to the next day. But it's because I care. And it's because I am going to see you again. And I'm going to 100% screw over my own standards to see you again. And I hate that you're making me into this person who compromises on her standards because she likes you. I hate that. And now I'm going to get angry with you as a result. And I'm going to show you that you have all this power over me. Moral of the story is this. Be ruthless in your actions. Be kind in your tone. You will find dating is much easier for you and you'll find you get far more attraction. Not only will you get far more attraction.

Not only will you get far more attraction, but you'll actually be the one in control. What I love about this concept so much is that it reminds us to take our ego out of the equation and actually focus on the result we want. I remember my dad always says to me, whenever there's a conflict or you think, I want to say this to someone and tell them, give them a piece of my mind. He always says to me, what's the result you're actually looking for? And it's something that always stuck with me from when I first heard it. And it was just saying, if you're going to negotiate, if you're trying to, if you're in a relationship or there's something you're not getting that you want from someone, just what's the result you actually want? The

result is maybe you want to reach a different deal with that person or in a relationship, there's a certain need that's not being met. Okay, so that need isn't being met or this person's not giving me the commitment I want. So the result I want is I want to be with someone who really wants to be with me and fulfills my needs. Okay, I can either get it from that person or walk away and find a different person. And if I want to get it from that person, I need an honest conversation. I need to set my standard and see if they respond to it. And if they don't, if they don't want that, then okay, then okay great like that's it wipe my hands walk away take care i wish you the best and there's so much power in that and just like i wish you no

ill good luck take care and then we're free we're not needing to win or give them a piece of our mind and usually when we do that that's anger at ourselves and it's us wanting to set the record straight or whatever it is but I've found that there's so much more peace in life when you just let the wrong people go their way and you're ruthless in your actions like if I get like I don't know if I've had a flaky date or something like that and someone texts me at the last minute cancelling I've just been like okay I know where to put this person take care and I don't need to see them again and it's so much easier in that process than uh getting into it with someone you barely know and clashing heads and you think what's the point of this I might as well walk away and be happy

so that is it for today from us listeners. If you want to go and get more great messages and texts, the practical texts you can actually send to someone to get attraction, to get their attention, go to 9text.com, download that. You can have it on your phone. It's like a little free pocket cheat sheet. Send different kinds of texts for different scenarios

and you can use that whenever you need it. That is it from me today, listeners. You take care of yourself out there. I hope you're being good. I hope you're keeping warm. Spring is nearly here. I don't know if it's here quite yet. Don't know the exact date spring hits, but we're getting through winter together, one podcast at a time. I will see you very soon be well