Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 81: What It Takes To Find A Great Relationship, Being "Happy Enough" Single + New Year Habits...

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

Join us on our virtual retreat in March! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships... --- Today Matt and Steve sit down for a little chat. We talk:  - Keeping on track with 2021 goals - Why you don't need to be "100% happy" to attract a great relationship - How to decide what really matters in your to-do list - 3 things you need to work on to have an extraordinary love life

🎵 Hello everyone! Snuggle in, settle down, pour yourself a cup of hot cocoa, because it's the Hussie Boys in the room again. Hello, Matthew. It might be the morning. Maybe they don't want to snuggle in. Maybe they need to get the hell up. It's a good point. Let's cover all bases. Go to bed, get some sleep, get up, lazy bones, enjoy your walk. Hope you're having a nice lunch or a lovely drive or a lovely drive or that snow we're having is bad or oh it's really hot isn't it yeah i hope you're enjoying your time on the beach we've covered all of them um hello

matthew um how is you know we're coming to the end of january and i think this is an interesting time to think about people's goals this is typically it right this is where people start to forget quickly the things they were doing or they're already finding their habits a little harder to keep to than they thought they were you know your first week goes great your second week still want it and you're now starting to be like, oh, have I bitten off more than I can chew? You know, should I carry on with these things? Do you find there's this wobble point here?

I think you're being generous, Steve. I think that happened two weeks ago. Maybe I'm just describing my own journey with trying to keep my good habits going. I think you've already done better than most if it's if you've got to this point in january and you're still keeping up with the habits you set for yourself on the first i've been i did try to set them more modestly this year that was my sort of intention wait there steve because i've got a jug of water that i'm supposed to be drinking

right now so you know you keep everyone entertained brilliant is it i mean this is just great radio um well you know guys i what i'll tell you mine i did this 30 day challenge for january i'm trying to these this is modest i'm trying to moisturize every day i'm trying to do yoga sessions at least like a couple a week and I've also been writing 300 words every day. Even these modest goals, that's not like my life goals, by the way. That's just like things I've been wanting to do. You realize how, like, man, just getting a few yoga sessions in a week that I want to do more of is tricky. I noticed myself putting it off. And even though every time I'm doing it, I'm loving it. I'm like, I like i'm loving this yoga i just it's like finding the time to slot it in and making the appointment with myself um

i've got to drink one and a half of these a day look at the size of this jug he's holding up a large jug saying bottled joy yeah and um i've got to drink one and a half of these that's about 120 ounces right so there you go i mean are you finding are you finding these things you know i wanted to tie this all in matt because your latest video was about to-do lists it was about the fact that checking off these things can once you just keep checking off a bunch of to-dos it can start to feel a bit empty and you wonder why am i doing this so you know do you how do you find it drinking water have you found a way to make that meaningful and enjoyable for yourself well my friend jesse itzler who got me excited about drinking water every day he uh he said he imagines himself when he's peeing he literally he thinks to

himself i'm peeing out the toxins right now and he really he really imagines these he said whether it's true or not he doesn't care it's just imagining peeing out the toxins does it for him so i that's that's been one thing for me. And also I quite like because I've got this big jug, it's made it a bit of a game. I realised when I was just drinking single bottles of water or even glasses, it didn't really... No, it's no fun.

I always need to make a game out of it. When I've got a full bottle here and I'm just like, right, that's my job today. Yeah, yeah. The more I drink, the more the water goes down in this bottle. It gamifies drinking water for me. That's a good little hack. The only other way I have to make water fun is to put little crushed ice cubes in it. And I think, oh, lovely cold, chew on some of them ice cubes, which isn't good for my teeth.

That doesn't do it for me um so so to do list and adding meaning is this something you've consciously tried to do i always think about this because i'm i basically a lot of my not all of them but a lot of my videos come out of just what i struggle with so like I've spent most of my life I'm an ambitious person as you know Steve and the danger of being a sort of type a ambitious person is that you get so obsessed with how much you're doing in a day that that itself can become kind of a this monotonous thing of just ticking off another thing for the day and I do like to do a lot of things I like to get a lot

done in the day but you can lose sight of what it's all for so I do try to remind myself I you know I have on the on the retreat we call them emotional buttons I have these emotional buttons. I have these emotional buttons, these little things, these thoughts, these ideas, these images, whatever they may be that remind me what each to-do on my list is actually about. And if I connect to the bigger picture of what it's about, then it gets easier to do the action in the micro. Otherwise, going to the gym is just an hour of pain. Yeah, and I do things like, you know, I've been watching lately that Michael Jordan documentary, The Last Dance.

And even that has been just creating, I've been watching it in the mornings and it's been giving me a bigger why for going to the gym of like, I want to be the best at what I'm doing and I've that pride they have and that sort of dedication and it it just creates an image for me of why this means something like I've been lifting more weights and it just it adds some purpose there of like I've I've been a dedicated person there's discipline I'll tell you what I did Steve Sarah Blakely blakely jesse it's

his wife to tie the story all together who is the owner of spanx um she sent me a she sent me her new line of spanx for men and i'm wearing it right now and look this is tucking in tucking in a belly is that is that what it's for i don't know if if I mean I don't know what yeah I suppose that's what they do but I'm like I'm really I put it on because putting this on I'm like I'm not hiding here if like whatever I need to get lean if I'm gonna wear if I'm gonna wear this shirt so I'm wearing it right now because I sort of mind me that, oh, yeah, I do want to get to the gym because, you know, it's nice when I can wear a fitted T-shirt and look all right.

In quarantine, it was really easy just to put on bigger and bigger T-shirts just so that I didn't notice that I was putting on weight. Right, right. Yeah, it's uh it's interesting one just like i yeah i i do think a lot about trying to make the things i do have intent behind them warren buffett even had this thing where he took i don't know what you think of this but he talked about writing 25 things down and then he like crosses everyone off except for the top five to find out like these are the really you know these are the things i can really do well so you'll write down

25 and choose the top five most important things of those 25 things it's like 25 things he can do and then it's like 20 of them are distractions and And then he... Wait, what kind of things does he do for what? I think it's just like goals or things he, you know, might be wanting to work on, that sort of thing. Like all the goals you might have. And you just select the most important. Yeah, I have to do that because I spend so much time... I write down way too many ideas and

I get too overexcited all the time about things I want to do books I want to read activities and it's just becomes absurd I can't can't do it Steve yeah it's this the choose the choosing is so much of and and realizing what not to do. Like I even, again, to just throw another big name out there, but again, I don't know if this is true or not, but I did read that Jeff Bezos even schedules time for nothing to almost be able to think and have some space and like assess a bit. And there's something quite nice about that even just to kind of readjust. You constantly want points where you readjust like,

are the things I'm doing make sense? Do they make sense? And are they actually adding meaning and purpose or are they just a bunch of stuff? Yeah, it's true. Get off the hamster wheel. Yeah.

So there you go, listeners. So, the wheel um yeah so there you go listeners um so what do you think about people setting intentions final thing what do you think about people setting intentions for their relationships this this thing comes up a lot of people talking about setting relationship goals and it's one of those things where there's an element of you're waiting for the right time but there's also well I have a to-do list which is I want to get out there and meet the right person this is my year I want to find a great relationship well I think there are many things that contribute to finding a great relationship. I don't think it's one thing. Going on an app and sending messages to people and trying to make a connection there is one thing.

Making connections within your circle or even expanding your circle so that you can make more connections is another thing. having more hobbies or activities or doing the same hobbies and activities that you already do but you know doing them in a slightly different way so instead of doing the same class that you do now do go to a different yoga class or join a you know if you like if you're doing self-development on your own right now, maybe you can do a course that's an online community that involves meeting people. There's lots of different ways of doing even the things that you already do. You don't even need to take on new hobbies. But if you start adding these things, then they add up to a year that makes it far more likely that you will meet somebody. And ultimately, that's all we can do.

That's all we can really control. It's no different to business. In business, you don't know what one action is going to be the thing that brings in this amazing opportunity and often it's not that it's that whatever action it is it's that action repeated many times over the year it's picking up the phone every day to prospective clients it's meeting with people every month that you might do a deal with. It's, you know, constantly putting out content, never knowing what the one piece of content is going to be that really lands and, you know, get shared a lot.

It's the thing you do every day. It's not the thing you do once in a while. But it's the combination of all of those things. It's not one thing it's that they're a business is a combination of you know five to ten to fifteen different things that you repeat over and over and over again and our love life is the same way you can't control when exactly when the love of your life is going to walk through the door, but you can control how many times you open the door or how many times you step outside of the door. All of these things

you can control. You can control how many times you get dressed up and look decent so that when someone does walk through the door, you feel good. You can control how much time you spend working out or training so that when someone does walk through the door, you feel sexy. You can control how much time you spend working out or training so that when someone does walk through the door, you feel sexy in your body. So I just think when people are trying to impact their love lives this year, it's not one thing. It's many things. It's, you know, part of the reason I love the retreat program is because it understands that your love life is a combination. I see it, Steve, as like a Venn diagram with three intersecting circles and in the middle is an extraordinary love life. So one circle is your circle of competence in your love life. So that's how

good you are at having a great date, having good conversation, being a great communicator, communicating your standards, your boundaries, creating attraction. All the things that our Get the Guy programs are designed to do for people. The second circle is your confidence. That's your relationship with yourself, the amount of self-love you have, what you believe you're worth to be. And the third is your life and how rich your life is so that when you do meet somebody, you have a life to share with somebody, not just a life that you want to get from somebody. And where those three circles meet, where your competence in dating meets your confidence in your own worth and your love for yourself and it meets uh a great life to share with somebody that's where you have an exceptional love life and and so I'm always just a bit baffled

when people say to me like there's nothing I can do for my love life right now because of the times we're living in or because of this, because of that. I'm like, I don't get that. You know, there's three major circles for you to work on. You're telling me you can't, there's nothing you can do in any of these circles right now? I don't, I don't, it's not possible. Your love life is the combination of you working on all three of these circles. And by the way, that doesn't mean any one of those circles has to be perfect. Like that's the other thing people mistake me for is they often think that I'm saying that,

Oh, what Matt? So I've got to be a perfect communicator and do everything that you talk about in your programs. No, you don't. You don't. You could get so much wrong. Oh man. So I've got to like have this incredible love for myself and be the most confident I've ever been in order to attract someone. No, you don't. There's plenty of people married who have not figured out the relationship with themselves part yet. You know, like that's, it's not, it's not absolutely essential it helps and there are plenty of relationships that run healthy because people haven't figured out that part but you don't have to be perfect in that area and you don't have to have a complete life in every way i i you know

i think actually in some ways what's funny is i think sometimes we go too far in in our the not not us personally but I think people go too far in the self-development world in the rhetoric of you have to learn how to be happy on your own before someone I'm like really because half the world hasn't figured that out and they're in relationships so like what are you really trying to say that everyone who's in a relationship has figured out how to be happy on their own and that's how they found someone give me a break like this is nonsense it i i steam i think you know how like um dan harris released the book 10 happier when he he referred to meditation you know there's a lot of overwhelming rhetoric about meditation leading to enlightenment and he actually made a name for

himself in the meditation world by saying listen i think meditation could just make you 10 happier and i think that's a modest goal that you can actually expect to accomplish by there's my alarm going off there's that's it he was like that's a modest goal you can hope to accomplish by there's my alarm going off there's that's it he was like that's a modest goal you can hope to accomplish by meditating more and and that made meditation manageable well i'm gonna say that in your life you don't need to be happy single you just need to be happy enough if you can figure out like we're all we all know that there is a special kind of happiness that comes from being in love and having a happy relationship and that it's it is a special kind of happiness we't, I don't like when people take that away because it's patronizing. It expects us to deny what we all know is true, which is that we are looking for

a relationship because there is a kind of a different experience of happiness to be had when we have a really fulfilling and rewarding and loving relationship. So I think we need to stop. Everyone needs to stop thinking that I need to be just as happy outside of a relationship as I am inside of a relationship it's different it's a different experience but I do think that a more reward and a more achievable goal is for people to just say to themselves you know what I'm just gonna'm going to work on being happy enough, happy enough that I'm still enjoying my life single, happy enough that if the right person comes along or someone I really like comes along, I don't trample all over my own life, my standards, and my schedule in order to please them. Happy enough that if someone comes into my life that I fall for, but they're bringing

misery to my life because they're not treating me well, I can walk away. That to me is what happy enough means. It doesn't mean you're just as happy no matter what. It means you're happy enough where you are right now to make the right decisions. Well, I 100% agree with that. And I totally, totally agree with you on the meme of people saying you need to have all your, be totally complete before a relationship. It's actually stifling to people and unrealistic and unfair. It's so overwhelming.

It's so overwhelming. It's like that's such an unreachable goal that it's like oh well i'm never gonna have a relationship finish finish self-actualization and then you can have a relationship yeah exactly yeah yeah um all right well i i think that's a wonderful place to wrap up uh we've hit the high point there um well everyone if you really do want to work on those circles of yourself and actually build your self-worth to a place where you love yourself enough and feel comfortable and confident enough to be in a relationship join our wonderful retreat this year which we have coming up the uh go to mhvirtualretreat.com this is our second

ever virtual retreat the debut was a smash and we had a blast and know you will too if you want to join mhvirtualretreat.com amazing i hope to see as many of you there as possible because we're going to have an incredible time in when is it ste March 20 March the 19th to the 21st yep um yeah and email us your thoughts on the podcast podcast at matthewhussie.com um all right brother wonderful to see you happy and healthy in Los Angeles um and we'll catch up very soon thanks Steve, Steve. I've got to go pee. Go and swig your water, you silly old sausage. I see the blog sites.

Wookiee, whoop, got a new wife. Shorty got a new book. Yeah, love beautiful. I'm looking for love.