Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 87: What It Takes To Have Romance In Your Relationship...(w/Matt and Steve)

Episode Date: February 21, 2021

Join us on our virtual retreat in March! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships... --- It's time to talk romance. What it is, and how to get it.  Is it something you're born with? Or something you can learn? Join us to find out and email us your thoughts at [e-mail]  --- Follow Matt: @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen: @stephenhhussey

Great relationships are an accumulation of little efforts over time. And the more you do it, the more you don't have to do the big grand. The big grand things are a nice bonus, but you don't have to do them because your partner or your friend or your lover or whatever is aware of what a lovely, kind, considerate, interesting person you are the rest of the time. What's the point of living a life outside of work anyway? Hey, Steve? I mean, I don't remember what it's like. You look lovely, Steve. I'm excited about this. I'll let you do the intro and you can just take it away. Okay. Well, we're in the room right away going hot with Matthew Hussey and me, Stephen Hussey. Welcome back to the Love Life podcast. Matthew, you old romantic sausage. That is my nickname. Steve, have people been enjoying us too?

Have people been sending you messages saying, I really like these episodes you're doing together? You're really a needy guy, aren't you? You're always asking if people are sending messages in i actually am never asking the only time i ever ask is when we're on the podcast and maybe if you did a bit more of the you know hey what's the community said what's the temperature what's the feedback what are our listeners you know if you brought in a bit more of that i wouldn't even need to ask well listeners you can send us your feedback at lovelifepodcast,

no, podcast at matthewhussie.com. By the way, that's how infrequently, clearly, you ask for their thoughts, is that you can't even get out the email address. They're supposed to send their emails, questions, and thoughts too. What's that email again? Podcast at matthew Matthew Hussey.com. And we do get emails in, sir. So don't you worry.

Well, are you going to read any today? No, we're not doing that today. I'm directing the podcast. Okay. Next time. Can I have a cup? Can you read a couple to me? Sure.

Sure. Send some emails for Matt, please, because he really wants some read out on the podcast. I would like that. So, old romantic Matthew. Do you consider yourself a romantic? I do, Steve, yeah. You do?

I don't know if I like the word old at the beginning of it, but a romantic, yes. Yeah, like a chivalrousrous like something out of an old victorian storybook um yeah i was thinking about romance and cultivating it and i was thinking you know some people think they're not romantic and they think that's not their style. And I think one thing you showed in your recent video is I think of romance as more of something. This doesn't sound romantic as I say it, but you can almost think of it as a habit that you can cultivate. Like not something you just are, like you are just born this chivalrous knight and i think this with a lot of traits really like flirtation or romance do you think they're

they're just kind of practices we can learn yeah well yeah it's just romance is really good. It's listening, isn't it? It's listening to what people like or want to experience or enjoy in life, and then creating a world where they get more of that. And romance is just going out of your way to create a moment or an experience for someone. The reason why in that last video, the first one, and this was Jameson's suggestion, I should say, was surprise dessert delivery. And the reason I said, hey, don't just do that on like a Friday night. Do it on a night where they wouldn't normally expect something like that. Do it on a Monday night where you've both cooked, you're tired from work, and then dessert shows up at the door because you Postmates Uber-eats-ed, door-dashed, seamless.

What's the English one? Deliveroo. Deliveroo. You did that. You got it delivered to the door. and it's a moment. You're creating a moment. So, so much of life is about creating a moment. Always ask yourself, like, what could make this a moment? Because we don't remember the, we're not remembering at the average hour in the day. I mean, honestly, ask most people what they did last weekend. They can't tell you very quickly. They're like, oh, I mean, I'm not sure. So, and that doesn't mean you have to live your life trying to create moments every hour, but ask yourself, like, have I created a moment with someone this week? Whether it's a

partner, a family member, a friend, just make a moment because those are the things you actually remember. You don't remember the majority of every day. And romance to me is good listening because the kind of moments you create for someone are born out of listening to the kinds of things they really love or the things that they want to experience more of. And it's making a decision, a conscious decision that I'm going to create more moments. That part isn't always spontaneous. Spontaneity is born out of a decision to create more moments. It looks spontaneous to the other person, but you've consciously decided I'm going to create more moments for us. Yeah. It makes me think of that study that came out a while ago that talked about how so many

great relationships were a result of frequency of positive to negative interactions and that you could... Great relationships had some frequency of something like five or six positive interactions to every one negative one, like complaining or a disagreement. And you can almost boil it down to it's not how we think of things it's almost like you know we there are there are peak moments that get a lot of attention in life the big success the big win the time you got the job the romantic trip but a relationship has a lot of moments and a lot of time in it.

And it is almost really, really, you want the chart to have these constant little spikes throughout, you know, throughout the day, throughout the weeks. And that kind of builds the connection, the feeling of affection and kind of keeps it at a constant. I agree. I feel like most people in some cases, they go like, let it trail off and off and off and down and then hope for a massive spike

with some big gesture at some point. You can't rely on the spikes because it may not be enough to overcome whatever damage you do the rest of the time or however the relationship slowly meanders into mediocrity for the rest of the year. And then you think you're going to suddenly dwarf that by some grandiose moment, but it's not, I don't see it like that. Great relationships are an accumulation of little efforts over time. And the more you do it, the more you don't have to do the big grand.

The big grand things are a nice bonus, but you don't have to do them because your partner or your friend or your lover or whatever is aware of what a lovely, kind, considerate, interesting person you are the rest of the time. It's the same as going to the gym. You know, it's like, how you think you're like, are we going to get a great body? Cause one day we do a really hard gym session. No, it's just every day, do the reps, do the reps in your relationship. Why is it that that is seen as a weird thing? Like anything to do with practice in your love life instantly has a connotation of that's something weird, that's too optimizing, that's too analytical. But people don't think about that about nearly anything else.

I'll tell you why, Steve. None of us like to think that we are on the receiving end of insincere and manipulative act. That someone is doing something simply to get a result from us, not from a place of sincerity. That they are in some way programming our emotions or clinically designing our relationship with them. It doesn't fit the fairy tale view of things are just amazing between us. And it also makes us question someone's motives. But if your motives are just to make something great and the reason that you're pouring attention into a relationship, into how I please my partner, into how I can be a more attractive person, if the reason is because you want to be your best for someone, that's about as romantic as it gets. There's nothing insincere about that. And when it comes to the word manipulation, tell me what's not manipulation. Right now, I know how to use my

voice in a way to create energy in a room. For 14 years, I've been public speaking. So I know if at some point I want to change the energy of my public speaking to create an energy in the room, I can do that. Is that a manipulation? Of course it is. It doesn't mean it's insincere. It just means it's an understanding of how human dynamics work, of how energy in a room works. When someone puts on makeup before a date because they want to look their best, is that manipulation? When we get good at telling a story because we've told it many times, and now the next time we tell it, we're really good at telling it because we've told it a couple of times. Is that manipulation? everything's whatever you want to call it. It's all, it's all improvement in the way we come across in the way we communicate in the way we do things. So I get, you know, I get where people

are coming from when they're worried about the loss of sincerity, when you practice certain ways of being, but if your intentions are good, then why are you worried? My intentions are always good when When I'm coaching people, when I'm on stage and my intention is to give as much knowledge as possible to the crowd that day and to make sure they go away having had both A, an incredible time, they were entertained, and B, go away with a wealth of knowledge, wisdom, insight tools that they can use in their life. The motive is all positive. So what's someone going to say? Ah, you know, I wish you hadn't learned how to be an entertaining public speaker because I feel manipulated. No, the intention is to give you a great time and great knowledge.

The fact that I've become good at public speaking over time is only a good thing. I remember once when I released that guide talking about what I perceived to be your secrets to communication, there were some people who emailed in to say, oh, it seems weird to me now knowing that Matt did all these things to learn these skills of being charismatic on stage I was like do you know how hard it is to speak on stage well and be really compelling on camera do you know how much effort that takes I'm just really annoyed that this wasn't the one speech Matt had given in his lifetime and it and it wasn't gold on its own it's like go and watch matt's first youtube videos he's thankfully better now than he was all right no i don't even think they're bad

let me say that you started well but i'd say i'm saying if you hadn't moved anywhere in 10 years that would be more perplexing i just people are people are funny i listen i actually truly understand both sides of the coin none of us want to be on the receiving end of someone we feel like is using a tactic on us right but that's just in all it is is intention that's all it is it's all intention and if your intentions are good and you get better at your people skills over time, then there's nothing wrong with that. It's just about being more effective. If your intentions are bad, that's on you. Yeah. I put down three, just on this subject of romance, I put down three things. You know, if I thought like three things that make you more romantic in general, and I think it's like uninhibited is one, like being more willing to wear your heart on your sleeve and

say the thing you're feeling and like the moment, you know, make the moment, like you say, you're feeling something in the moment, like put it out there and say it, take the risk. I think second is like paying attention. Like you say, a lot of your examples are about just being really not just a good listener, but then doing a bit of action based on that, that shows that extra level of I listened and I've got you something really cool. I've done something thoughtful. And then the third is like, yeah spontaneous spontaneous giving like unexpected moments and uh not just waiting for the occasion i like it i uh matt while we've been having this chat i have for you just for you pulled up a couple of emails um so i'll give you one here. You've done that while I've been talking to you. I did that while I've been talking.

I'm a pro. No. Oh, here we go. I want your attention. You've got my attention, mate. So Mina says, Hi, Matthew and Stephen. I am loving the cozy chatty podcasts.

Please keep them coming. Great. We have China who says, I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to email. That was the weirdest episode of Love Life I've ever listened to, but I kind of liked it.

Candid to the max and almost awkward to listen to, but left me wanting more. Now, can I just confirm? I was definitely into it but very left field more like this maybe let's be honest we ought to be mixing things up at this point in love and light always china now is that china the country who's messaged us that was this person that was the accumulated thoughts of the people's republic of china that was an

aggregate of public opinion in china about our podcast everyone signed it um wait what was weird about it i can't even remember i think because we had this sort of strange intro and we were sort of like messing around in the introduction um we were sort of talking about puddings and pickles oh yeah she also said um she said ps i'm a pudding too steve so there you go she is a pudding i love how you say we were talking about puddings and pickles you you're the one who says those things yeah but we all got involved in it so yeah so so there you go keep them coming guys thank you china and mina um matthew on to a uh did you want to say something i just was going to ask what's your sort of steve do you have a philosophy on these podcasts and how long they should go on like are

they is this like a quick morning episode is it a lazy afternoon episode what's the thing should i be terse and wrapping it up or are you still going uh i was just going to give you one one more little question from someone um so well yeah 15 ish minutes um so this was actually going this is going from romance to horror so it's actually kind of changing the tone but it was an an email question. Hi, Matthew and Stephen, thank you for all your work. I'm dating in my early 40s after long marriage and I found it very helpful in navigating this new terrain. My question is, why do men become zombies? I sometimes meet a guy I have a great time with. We date for a week, a few months, then it ends, and we don't message or talk anymore sometimes for

months and months then suddenly there's a message in your dms and they're back like hey how you're doing or i appreciate the time we had just when you think you moved on and have buried them in the past of lost lovers they return from the dead i'd love to understand why from the male perspective. So the reason that someone will typically reappear in your life is because there is a void in their own. So they'll come back in to get some attention, typically, perhaps to check if you're still there. There's something comforting, isn't there, about the state of being single, but knowing that other people that you've had flings with are also still single. I don't want you, but I also don't want you to be in a different state. I don't want you to be in a relationship. I, do you still belong to the ocean that I'm in? And so people message that person just to check that they're still around, get a bit wistful, a bit of, bit of the old saudade. Is that how you say it, Steve?

The saudade? Saudade. Any Portuguese out there can tell us how to say that um but um the you know that's the the wistful melancholy of things past and you know the you know getting sentimental about things we're all capable of getting sentimental about things even if they weren't right for us you can still want to go back to someone and just have a little moment of connection, a little hit of the past, a little hit of joy of, you know, oh, we did have a thing. We did have a good thing, didn't we? You can have positive memories of something that you didn't want to hold on to, but in

your mind, it's still a very positive memory. And so you check in to get a little hit of that. It's like watching an old Christmas movie. You don't want to watch it every day, do movie. You don't want to watch it every day. Do you? You don't want to watch it in February. But Christmas rolls around again and you crack out.

Elf. And I will say, if the movie... I'm not comparing them to elves. No. No, certainly not. If the movies have taught us anything as well well it is that in the wake of a global pandemic zombies are quite likely to appear and we have just faced a global pandemic

right it's kind of prime zombie season for people to sort of you know come lurking and be like oh i'm lonely let me feast on your brain i think you've got a bit literal with the terminology there but yes feast on something idea for a zombie film a zomcom mat 28 dates later hasn't that already been, isn't there already like a 28 dates later or something? No, there's 50 first dates with Adam Sandler. Yeah. 10 things I hate about you. 50 first.

Yeah. There's a lot, there's some numbers. Yeah. So then eight dates later is actually pretty good. Thank you. Yeah. Sold.

Go and, you know, you're in LA, go and go and sell that. Polter guy. Oh, well, yeah. go and you know you're in la go and go and sell that poltergeist oh well yeah that's not bad you that's not bad poltergeist there's poltergeist and the little girl going he's back all right we'll end there, shall we? Yeah. Can we have some emails?

Steve, what's that email address again that they can email into? Email listeners is podcast at MatthewHussey.com. Okay. Podcast at MatthewHussey.com. Email in. You can also DM Stephen H. Hussey at Instagram or Matthew Hussey

at Instagram and send us your best what did you call it a ROM horror

ROM Zomcom ROM Zomcom send us your best horror movie adaptation title of a a scary movie that's romantic but not it's good stuff

well I couldn't have said that in a more difficult way just send us you know send us your favorite movie adaptation idea akin to poltergeist or 28 dates later yeah i love that we're gonna do it we're gonna shoot another podcast now aren't we steve we are sir yeah so let's wrap this one up for the listening audience and uh say thank you very much we'll see you very soon subscribe on itunes spotify and lestitia of course can. Can I just say, please subscribe and also leave a review on Apple because I never ask for this, Steve. I never ask for subscriptions.

We do a terrible job over the years and people just follow us because they love us, which is the way it should be. But they also forget to subscribe. So subscribe and leave us a review if you like it. Thank you. That is it. Pickles, peaches, puddings and pears. And we'll see you real soon with a different sign off. I'm looking for love.