Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 97: Underrated Skills Everyone Should Learn To Be A Better Partner

Episode Date: March 21, 2021

We’ve all been told the important stuff that helps a relationship work in the long-run: Kindness  Respect Clear and compassionate communication But there are also other little skills that make a big difference. Things that our partner may not even be able to vocalize, but that deep down in their subconscious they are eternally grateful for and that keep the relationship working and make us No.1 in their books.  Cultivate these skills and your name will be on its way to becoming an ill-judged impulsive tattoo on someone’s bicep in no time... --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey

Welcome, everybody, to another episode of the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, my brother, Stephen Hussey. Hello, here we go. And I'm just excited because I got to introduce it today. Normally it's Stephen who gets to do that. Just happy to be in the driving seat for the first few seconds. Steve, what are we talking about today on the podcast? I want to talk about underrated qualities in relationships. This is based on an article I wrote a while back, Matt,

that was very popular, if I may say so, the site and you know what i was thinking here is we've all been told the important stuff that helps your relationship work in the long run you know everyone knows you need kindness and empathy you need respect you know you need to give each other respect very important you need clear communication you need to be compassionate with your partner's needs. But there's also like little, little like what might call like minor skills that are kind of important, but people don't really, I think people don't vocalize or realize they're important. There's probably a bunch of these and maybe you've got some.

But here's one, here's one I wanted to bring to mind because we've talked about this before the idea of being able to be on your own at a party okay just just the act of you know obviously couples spend loads of time together maybe even all their time um but like if you go out together and go somewhere there's always you know when you first first start dating someone what i find is there's always this moment when you're gonna take them into a crowd of people and you're gonna have you've you've done all your time in your little bubble of love together and you decide hey we should probably go and like you know actually interact with the rest of the world now and

you take them to a party or some some event and there's such a wonderful moment if you see that they just hold their own in that event and they go and socialize and they're kind of independent in a way that makes you kind of beam with pride watching them be like you know charming in the room and you know obviously you want them to also show they're with you and hey i'm proud with this person and you know we got that you know we're showing each other off sort of thing but there's that kind i feel like it's a perfect simulacrum if you will of the idea of like dependence and independence together in the same thing of like oh i can i can rest breathe easy because they can handle themselves in this environment as well

without just needing me there. Well, I think that the competence that's needed for that is the ability to hold your own in conversation, make conversation with someone nearby, be comfortable comfortable just chilling in a room but the deeper the deeper reason for that is that you're good at paying attention to your partner's needs that you can go in a room and recognize the moment when your partner needs help and needs you to be by their side because they're a little nervous moments when they need saving from a conversation and moments where they need to be left to a conversation and where the best gift you could give them in that moment is to make yourself busy. That to me is another way of paying attention. Not what do I need to feel comfortable right now in this room,

but what does my partner need right now to have the best time? And then of course, the ability to be on your own and not have a babysitter is really handy when you recognize that your partner happens to be all right at the moment and in a conversation or a story or whatever that doesn't need us. Or sometimes is having a conversation with a friend that they're catching up with where they actually could use a few minutes of space. Yeah. And it can be like a beautiful unspoken gift. And in some ways it's like that is the it seems small but it's like that is the stuff of relationships right that makes them work it's like when you know the the chris rock special that's called tambourine and the whole you know crux of that one point

rests on this story he tells of that he wanted to you know at one point in his marriage before he divorced it was like he thought well I make all the money and I'm like the you know I'm the alpha in this and it's about me and I'm the star sort of thing and he realized that would that just doesn't work and you you have to at some point you have to play the tambourine at some point for someone else. And the tambourine being the person who sometimes is in the back, just doing their thing and cheering the other on or supporting the other main act. And it's, yeah,

it's like, sometimes you just have to, like you say, it's just like, they're doing their thing now. And the best thing I can do is do my thing over here or just support and listen to them because they're the star right now or you know whatever but i feel like those those acts are the moment where you think ah i've got someone i can i can this works now because if

you're with someone who is you might be with someone you're super attracted to who is this like they're charismatic they're big they're larger than life or whatever but and you might be with someone you're super attracted to, who is this like, they're charismatic, they're big, they're larger than life or whatever. And you might be super, you know, you might find them really impressive. But if you then start to feel like, well, this, you know, that's all this dynamic is, it does then start to ebb away at, well, yeah, they are like this shining star, but it's also kind of not compatible

like it's like you know that doesn't work for two people if you both want to kind of have your role in the relationship yes well that's the reason some relationships last is just because one person's not willing to ever give up the limelight and the other person's willing to always play second fiddle. It doesn't mean it's a happy relationship. It's just one where they coexist and they can both benefit from the mutations in each other. What's your other underrated qualities, Steve? I'm curious. curious uh oh okay um so one was just the ability to take care of something with no like you just take care of something like booking the tickets making the whole dinner plan sorting out the ride home and everything and just just like that, that act of like, I have,

I have done all this to make everything smooth and easy. And there's different times where you need the other person to like, just take the reins on that. And like, can you, can you just go and be the head of this, this plan, this evening,

this whatever. I think it's like amazing gift you can give to someone. And not just like a man or woman thing. I think both, you know, if you can both play that role at different times, I think that's the kind of support that keeps a relationship going. I think that it's very sexy when someone can make a decision. It's very sexy when someone can make a plan. And sometimes we obsess over whether we're making the right plan and we forget that that's not the point. The point isn't that you make the perfect plan. The point is that just

having a plan is sexy. I honestly think that's one of the big things, the big areas where we trip each other up is we want to say to our partner, well, what do you want to eat? Or where would you like to go this weekend? Or what would you like to do? And the truth is what they'd like more than anything is to not have to think what they'd like more than anything is just, just do it. Just take care of it. Don't even, you know, you know to just just make the plan the plan is the thing the plan is the asset not what the plan is yeah and i think people forget that a lot is that's the sexy part the sexy part is the leadership it's not the destination if you just text someone you know who you know you're with and it's like, I've booked us in for the most delicious dim sum on Saturday.

It's like, you don't ask, do you want dim sum even? It just might be like, I've booked the most delicious dim sum. Then there's something fun after we're going to go. Yeah. It's like, oh, that's how I like a little, a little tip is like, if you're, if you've booked this thing to do this or whatever, it's like a couple of days. And then you say to someone, okay, I've booked an Italian and I've booked a Chinese. All you have to do is pick which one you fancy more, but both are taken care of.

All you need to do is decide which one you're more excited about. Like that can be fun because you're bringing them into an element of it, but you've already booked both. You've taken care of both. Now it's just like, which one speaks to you more? Italian? Done. We've got Italian at eight o'clock tonight. It's already done. You know, so you can, you can bring elements of like involving someone in bits of the plan, but that's different from saying to even that's decisive. Like, all right, we've got this or this. You tell me which one, which one made you smile just now, which one made you like, like, did you have any reaction to that's different from saying to someone, what should we do? What do you think? Which by the way, isn't to say that in a relationship,

you always have to be deciding all the time. It just nice if not every time is is this blank slate where someone else is expected to have all the inspiration yeah because everything becomes labor then every plan every thing you want to do becomes a big labor right between you it's like yeah take the reins grab grab it, do it. Exactly. Both have fun. I'll give you one final one. This, I think, is underrated. It's something you can do quite easily, is learn about your partner's favourite things. Like, even if you watch the movies they love with them,

read their favourite books uh figure out the things they really like spending time doing and you know try it with them like just you know your partner has a whole web of in their head of something that is part of their identity and it might be a big part of it and you might just think oh they they talked about that they've read that or they there's that thing they go to like i want to check i'm going to check it out i'm gonna like you don't have to like be a part of each other's hobbies because it's nice to like have your own stuff but it's fun if someone can sometimes not just be closed from that whole world and can just be like you know i'm going to take an interest i'm going to like dip into that with you well we made a video back i think this was the video we used the back to the

future car for where one of the points was does can he scuba dive and that point related to this idea that can someone you know when if for, you like dancing and they don't, but they're prepared once in a while to come and entertain that thing you love and go be outside of their element, but in your element, that's scuba diving. Because being underwater is not your natural habitat. You're not used to breathing underwater, but you can strap on the scuba gear and go be underwater for a night, you know, doing something that they love. It's not that you have to make it your hobby. You don't have to make it your passion, but you can show that you can exist there for a little bit of time

to show them that you love them and that you're willing to do something that they really love with them. Yeah. Yeah. Scuba dive once in a while. You don't have to live underwater, but be prepared to scuba dive once in a while. Yeah. Yeah. Good, good analogy. I like that. Uh, final one, Matt. I mean, I don't even need to explain that this, but just massage, just give each other massages. I mean, It's easy to do. It's generous. Can I contend that point and say it's not easy to do? If it were easy to do, Steve,

I've had some awful massages. Actually, I will maintain I've had a couple of bad ones. You're actually right on that. I've had some bad, I've had a couple of bad ones. Yeah. You're actually right on that. I've had some bad ones. It learn, learn,

definitely learn that skill. It will pay. You're never not going to have that skills always going to be useful. Right. Again, man or woman. I'm not saying like, Oh,

you got to massage your man or anything like that. Just massage should be a skill people have. Some people are not tactile though, Steve. Right. So if you're with a tactile person, massage. And if not, massage their brain with beautiful honeyed words. Right. Poetry.

Luckily, Steve, someone can expect both from you. Thanks very much. I got plenty of poetry to read from, and most of it is not mine. So there you go. Well, I think we'll call it there. Because you know what's also underrated? Keeping things tight. So we're going to call it there. Because you know what's also underrated? Keeping things tight. So we're going to call it there.

But thank you so much. And as usual, we love to hear from you because Matt is ever so needy for people's feedback. And you know what? So am I because I love reading your emails. So send us in podcast.matthewhussie.com what you think is underrated in a relationship? What's an underrated skill or trait that someone can have that you really love

podcast at Matthew Hussey.com. Thanks for another great podcast, Stephen. I look forward to the next one. All right, everyone subscribe on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Love Life Podcast, and we will see you real soon. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. I see the blog sites. Got a new wife. Shorty got a new boo.

Yeah, love beautiful. I'm looking for love.