Love Life with Matthew Hussey - Are You a Tease?

Episode Date: March 16, 2016

You find a man sexy…but you don’t want to have sex with him just yet. If you flirt with him, does it make you a tease? In today’s episode of LOVE Life I coach a caller named Lauren who is hesitant to let guys know she is attracted to them because she is saving sex until marriage.  I show her the secret to communicating desire and her standard at the same time so men feel validated while still respecting her boundaries. If you need help pacing your relationship – whether you’re waiting for your honeymoon or your third date – this episode is for you!

Hi, I'm Matthew Hussey. Welcome to Love Life. It's a privilege to be able to offer you bite-sized bits of advice on this podcast that you can use every day. But what if you're ready for a big transformation and you want to do it now? You want to reinvent your career or finally find lasting love or break free from the self-doubt that's holding you back from living the abundant life you were meant to live. If you're saying, yes, Matt, that's me, I'm going to tell you exactly how to do just that at the end of today's show. So make sure you stay tuned. First, let's get to today's episode. We have a caller on the line today. Caller, are you there? Yes, Matt. Hi.

Hi. What's your name? Lauren. What was your question, lovely? Just wondering. So you've mentioned in your YouTube videos about the importance of sexual validation for a man. And, you know, just wondering how to do that, how to validate a man without actually being sexual? Could just complimenting him be enough? Or what are your thoughts about it? Well, firstly, do you think that sex or a kind of sexual tension is just created through the act itself? Or do you think some people seem to just have a sexual energy? The first one, maybe. Do you feel like there are times when you could be in a bar and just the way that you look at someone

or the way someone looks at you can create a sexual vibe without necessarily going home with that person? Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I think that there's a sexual energy communicated in so many things that we do. So, you know, sometimes it's simply the way that we talk to somebody when we're on the phone or that they say something mischievous and we say, they're trouble, you're trouble. And in that moment when you cause someone trouble, you're communicating an energy.

Now, that energy doesn't mean that now you're communicating an energy. Now that energy doesn't mean that now you're going to go home with that person. It just means that you're prepared to create a vibe with that person. And there is a big difference between showing desire and showing intent. Intent is when I say to you, do you want to come home with me tonight? Or you should come home with me tonight. Desire is when I say to you, um, you look really gorgeous tonight. It's actually really distracting me. Um, that's desire, but that doesn't necessarily mean we're going to have sex. It just means that I find you to be desirable. Now, of course, you are right in one sense that desire leads to sex in a lot of cases, but not always. And only ever at your pace, only ever at the pace that you decide.

I find that women who are too afraid to show desire because they're worried that sex will follow or that they'll face an awkward situation with sex, they then don't show desire at all. But that becomes counterproductive because for attraction, you need desire and you need it to be communicated. I need to feel desired by you to know that there is a spark between us. Otherwise I'm dissuaded from even trying with you. So part of the fun is that I know you desire me, even if I know that you're not planning to go home with me. So you could say to a guy, for example, I, it's, you know, I, I, I would never go home with someone that I had just met. That's just not the way I am. Uh, but it's with you, with you, it's difficult. I have to say,

you know, I know, I know I wouldn't, I know I wouldn't go against that principle for myself, but with you, uh, it's tough because you're very, very attractive. Now, if you say that to me, I know, I know that I have no concern that you don't find me desirable, but I also have heard it loud and clear from you that that's a principle that you have, that you're not about to break. So I kind of get it, you get it both ways. You both get to communicate desire. And at the same time, you get to communicate a standard that says, I kind of get it, you get it both ways. You both get to communicate desire and at the same time you get to communicate a standard that says I just don't really know where to cross that line because I stifle myself, you know. Why do you stifle yourself?

What's your big concern? That you will come across as a tease? Yeah, I guess so, yes. What's wrong with being a tease? Well, it's giving him an impression that you want to have sex well lead right yeah but you do want to have sex with him presumably well I'm waiting until marriage so right does that but that but but that doesn't mean that you don't want to does it mm-hmm. You can have your belief that you're going to wait till marriage and still want to. Isn't that correct?

So if that's true, it doesn't hurt him to hear that, does it? Well, it makes him think that I am seducible, but yet no. No, because that all depends on how well you communicate your standard. If you have made it clear to me that there is a line that you will not cross at this stage, then I know what your standard is. But it's actually quite nice for me to know that deep down there's a part of you that would like to rebel against that, even if you won't. That's very true. Because what could be more painful as a man than being with someone who

is stifling themselves so much that I'm left wondering whether you do even feel sexual attraction towards me. Right. My fear is that you're so busy, you're so caught up in the belief system that you're not allowing yourself to be a woman. Right, that is my problem. Because a woman has sexual desire. I hope you know. That's part of being a well-adjusted woman is having sexual desire. So right now, I'm afraid that you're just denying yourself the basic behaviors of being a woman, the basic thoughts, the basic desires. Sometimes sexual energy is nothing more than communicating what is actually in your head instead of stifling it. Right.

And trust me, no man will be angry for hearing how much you want him. Even if it does come with a standard, that is frustrating for some men. But as you know, ultimately, the one that's going to be right for you is going to be the one who goes along with your standard or has the same belief or is prepared to wait for you is going to be the one who goes along with your standard or has the same belief or is prepared to wait for you. Uh, but I wouldn't be disingenuous with him or hold back or not give yourself because you're already making the decision for him about how he's going to react. That's very true. Yeah. Perfect. Well, uh, Lauren, thank you so much for calling in. Now, if you said earlier, yes, Matt, I'm ready for a big life transformation now,

then I want to invite you to apply for my retreat program. Now, spots are limited, but if you're accepted onto the program, I'll lead you through a series of powerful coaching sessions and enlightening exercises that will remove every barrier standing in between you and the extraordinary life you deserve. You'll walk away with a practical set of tools to achieve the career, love, balance, and fulfillment you've always wanted. To claim your spot for a phone interview with one of my expert mentors, just go to lovelifepodcast.com forward slash retreat. Take care and I'll speak to you soon.