Love Life with Matthew Hussey - Can You Train a Man to Be Honest?

Episode Date: August 3, 2016

Fact: some men are just liars. And if you discover this trait in the one you’re dating, RUN. But as for all the other good guys out there, they really DO want to tell you the truth. In today’s episode, I give you 5 specific, actionable tips you can use right away to create an environment in your relationship where your man feels comfortable being honest with you about the little things, the big things, and everything in between.

Hello everybody, welcome to Love Life, I'm Matthew Hussey. One of the questions I get asked most by women is what to do when a man they've just started seeing gets too sexually suggestive too quickly via text. This happens all the time and there are a few different ways that you can respond. It all depends on the kind of message that you want to send. I've actually got an amazing script for you to use that shows him that you're high value while still driving him crazy with desire. I'll tell you how you can get this copy and paste text at the end of the show today. So be sure to listen right till the end. Okay, let's get to the show. We have been talking recently a fair amount about people who

lie in the early stages of dating. And we started by talking about signs that someone was married. Then we went on to say that once someone has lied to you early on, whether it's about being married or whether it's about anything, big or small, should you give them another chance? Well, I carried on thinking about this and I thought maybe we should actually deal with some of the root causes of this and say, how do we actually breed a culture of honesty with somebody in the beginning stages of dating? Now, that's not to say that you can turn a liar into an honest person just by your powers of persuasion. But what you can do is create an environment where a it's easy for someone to tell the truth and b someone who is somewhat on the fence about whether or not they're going to tell the truth does err on the side of being honest now look i'm going to preface this by saying uh in most cases a liar is a liar

you're not going to change that so if you do detect that someone is lying to you consistently on big or small things, get rid of them. Having said that, it still helps to understand how to bring out people's honesty because that's a useful tool for all of life, not just in dating. So I'm going to give you five ways to help someone or to condition a relationship to be a very honest one, right from the first date. Number one, tell him a story of someone who lied to you and messed things up for himself because if he was just honest about the situation, you would have been able to deal with it or you would have actually looked to figure it out. Most of us, we lie because we think somehow life's going to be easier in that situation if we lie. And we need to learn that life isn't easier if we lie. It's actually harder.

It's actually easier if we tell the truth. So you telling him a story, it could be, you know, I, you know, I remember being out with a guy once and he lied to me about, um, the fact that, you know, his ex was texting him. And even though he wasn't even going back to her, he was just lying about the fact that she was texting him. And I found it dishonest. And I said to him, you know, I could have handled the truth quite easily, or I could have dealt with it. We could have had a conversation about it, but because he lied, I just, I didn't, I don't know. It turned me off. I found it unattractive and I didn't want anything to do with him. So here you're giving this great example

of someone who in a way gave you an innocent lie, but a lie that was a lie nonetheless, and something that you became less attracted to and decided you didn't want anything to do with him because of that. So now he's the guy in front of you is hearing this message that, oh, wow, you know, it's actually going to be easier with this person to tell the truth than to lie. And the consequences of lying with this person are greater than I want to have to deal with. Number two, talk about your belief. I have a belief that people who lie easily about the small things tend to be the people that also are capable of lying about the big things. Now, this isn't always true. Sometimes people lie on little things, but when it comes to

the big stuff, they, you know, they're not capable of doing that. But it's also true that there are kind of, I feel like there are like gateway lies. You know, there are miniature lies that we tell that gradually get us hooked on lying to make life easier for ourselves. And when we're hooked on that pattern, it's much more likely that we're going to start lying about the big things. I always think it's a good sign when someone tells the truth about the little things and doesn't feel the need to lie about it. So I would, in conversation with him, when you're discussing the subject of honesty and things like that, and by the way, you're doing this casually, you're not doing it in some very serious manner, but when you're talking about it, just discuss the fact that, you know, I always

find that people who lie about little things are the people that also are difficult to trust on the big things. And I always so appreciate it when people don't lie about little things that they think is just going to be easier or more convenient for them if't lie about little things that they think is just going to be easier or more convenient for them if they lie about it. I always appreciate it when people are just up front. Number three, if he does lie to you about something, talk about it as something that's unattractive and something that's a deal breaker for you. Um, and that you think he's great, but if you see that again, if, if you notice that again, you're out because it's really an unattractive quality. So really when, when someone lies about something, don't just gloss over it, you know, don't just

make it something. Oh, okay. It doesn't matter. It was only a little thing or whatever. If it was big enough for you to feel a slight tinge of, oh, that's not good. Like, why did he lie about that? Just come out with it and say it. I know it's not a big deal. I know it's like not a big lie or anything, but I really love people who are honest about stuff, you know, and it's not attractive to me when someone lies on, on little things. So next time, just tell me, because I, I know myself and I know that if I hear someone doing that multiple times with me, I'm, I'm out, you know, and I'm just, that's not me. That's not me having a go at you. It's just me being honest about my nature. I know if I sense that as a pattern in someone, I just won't be there. Number four, reserve big, when he does tell the truth, many people don't tell the truth because they're afraid of the reaction they'll get. If a guy gets a big emotional reaction to

everything he says when he tells the truth, then naturally he's going to want to either not be around you or say things in a way that make them easier for you to digest. And sometimes that starts as sugarcoating something, but sugarcoating very quickly can become a euphemism for just outright lying. So if you want to help someone to be more truthful, pick your battles for what you're going to have a big emotional reaction to. And wherever you can, when he tells you something small, when he's honest about something and maybe you don't like it, take a breath, discuss it with him. By all means, don't hide your feelings. Discuss it with him if he tells you something you don't like,

but then allow the conversation to happen, allow a discussion to happen rather than pouncing on him for something. You know, he might tell you, oh, someone, someone texted me from my past. Well, rather than jumping into a big emotional reaction about it, well, what did you tell them? Did you even tell them about me? Rather than doing that, be slightly neutral about it. You can tell him it's weird for you. You can discuss it, but pick your battles. Because if he finds that every time he tells you the truth on something, it's a big deal, then naturally, he's going to want to start avoiding talking about those little things wherever he can. And again, sometimes people don't outright lie, but they omit details. They don't tell you about situations. And you want to create a culture

where a guy feels like he can tell you about everything that's going on and he's not going to get murdered for it every time. And then lastly, number five, in those little moments where he's honest, and they can be tiny moments Affirm how attractive it is. So if he's late to meet you, for example, if he's late to a date and he says, I am so sorry, I fell asleep and my alarm didn't wake me up and I'm such an idiot. I didn't mean to be late. If he tells you that, really applaud him in that moment. You know, say to him, you know, it's as crazy as it sounds, it's so attractive to meet someone who doesn't make a bunch of excuses or doesn't feel the need to like cover up the fact that they overslept. It's so refreshing to meet someone who just says what happened. I really like

that about you. As soon as you say that, you've created this very positive association around him being honest. And that's something that most people never do. They don't reward people in the moments where they do things they want them to do again. He's being honest with you. He's told you the reality without sugarcoating it, without making excuses. Commend him in that moment and he'll feel good every time he does it. He'll want to do it next time. So that's it. Five ways to create a culture of honesty. And this is true from the first date right the way through to 10 years into a relationship. These things never change. But I'll tell you this, the earlier you can create this culture, the better, because it's far harder to change standards late in a relationship than it

is to set them in the beginning. I'll see you soon on Love Life. Come join me for the conversation on facebook.com forward slash coach Matthew Hussey. I'll keep you up to date with new articles written by both me and my brother, Stephen Hussey, who writes articles around dating and life. And they're amazing. And new videos that we put on YouTube and of course, new iHeartRadio episodes coming up. I'll speak to you soon. Okay, are you ready to get your hands on that amazing text that sets your standard with the man who sexes too soon? Well, I've included it and eight other incredibly useful scripts in a free guide that I've created for you called Nine Magic Texts No Man Can Resist. The text I was talking about at the

top of the show is number seven of nine, just copy and paste it or any of the nine texts tonight. And he'll find you completely irresistible to get your free guide. Just go to lovelifepodcast.com forward slash texts.