Love Life with Matthew Hussey - Do Women Care About Money as Much as Men Think?
Episode Date: October 15, 2025Join the Love Life Podcast crew for this new episode as they examine the tricky link between money and self-worth in dating, answering questions like:• Do most men feel their value is connected to t...heir income?• How big of a role does money actually play when choosing a partner?• In what ways do money expectations affect our relationships?• How has social media distorted our sense of what’s “enough”?You’ll also learn about the fears and insecurities both men and women face when it comes to finances and relationships, and why confidence and teamwork matter far more than the size of your bank account. ---►► Don’t miss your chance to join the October 18-19 Matthew Hussey Weekend Retreat THIS weekend from anywhere in the world. Plus get two weeks of replay access and 30 days of Matthew AI for follow-up coaching—all for just $195. Grab your ticket now at RetreatAccess.com ►► For Love Life listeners, Cure is offering 20% off your first order! Stay hydrated and feel your best by visiting curehydration.com/LOVELIFE and using promo code LOVELIFE at checkout! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Do women really care about money as much as men think they do or worry they do, especially in
2025, now going into 2026? If you're a woman, are you struggling with earning too much money
and feeling like that shrinking your dating pool because men are intimidated by what you earn
or you can't find someone who's at the level you want them to play at?
Are you a woman or a man who is single and feels like they need to date just to be able to afford life in this age where everything is so expensive?
And it feels like everything is designed for couples from hotel rooms to rent to mortgages to sharing grocery costs.
Others will say the opposite and say that dating and relationships are wildly expensive to go out there and keep paying for things and be the one foot.
the bill for another human being in your life is the thing that makes it cheaper to be single.
Money is a hotly debated topic when it comes to love and dating today with people talking about
all sorts of struggles they have in their love life as a result of money challenges in one way or
another. We are going to talk about those today. And I think a good jumping off point is talking
about what is one of the most common things that is said. One of the most common things that is said,
one of the most common criticisms by men today, or a lot of men today, which is that if you're
not a guy with money, you don't stand a chance in the dating pool. To what extent is that actually
true? This is such a big subject. I think, I think that there are multiple things going on
here. And there's obviously different experiences happening to different people and different
genders. What I will say is it does feel at the moment when you go on social media, if you end up
entering a certain algorithm, it does feel like you can very quickly get sucked into a rhetoric,
which is basically that like women are only looking for a rich guy, men are only looking for
a certain whatever woman, which is not the subject of today, but you know, the point I make is
just that you can get very sucked into this idea that there is just one type of person out
there who is looking for one type of thing. And if you don't have that thing, in this case,
it's men and money, then you're not valuable on a dating market. And I think that's a really,
really dangerous thing to brainwash yourself with because what it does is it takes away all
of your power and all of your value. And it basically, it makes you feel like you have no value on
a dating marketplace, whereas actually very, very smart people like, you know, Professor Scott
Galloway said that the three traits women find the most attractive in men are kindness,
intelligence, and the ability to signal future resources. So it's not about what you have today,
but your potential to grow and to create a stable future. There's a very different thing, I think,
to you need to have loads of money. You need to earn over 100 grand. Otherwise, no one's going to look
at you. That's a very different thing.
gets into interesting territory about what what does it mean to signal future resources you know is that
that you're earning well now and therefore people assume you're going to be earning even better in the
future or is that you show a certain level of drive or organization or ambition or ingenuity that
to someone who is around you they're going to look at that and see oh and with someone here who
has the resources
internally to be able
to create a future. I'm not worrying
in other words that this person is going to
lay around and smoke weed all day.
I actually believe that I have a great
teammate here that I can rely on.
I think it's that. As a woman, I'm obviously
not representative of every woman in the world
but I think it's that. I think being with somebody who
shows you that they
want to make something of themselves, they want
they want to make sure that they're there for you in the same way that you're there for them by the way
it's it's a two-way street because there are so many instances where you know somebody falls ill
like the guy falls ill and then you know you have to step up as a woman and you have to take care
of the family like i don't think it just goes it cuts one way but i think that i think it's that
i think it's this idea of like i'm going to be with somebody who isn't going to go out every weekend
and like blow all their money or who's never going to doesn't care about a man
to anything, doesn't care about making money, doesn't care about, you know, being able to
provide for our family and being able to do those things. And I think that doesn't, again,
it doesn't, it's really important that people listening to this, you have any kind of insecurity
around how much they're earning, especially guys, I think it's so important to remember that, like,
the right woman and the right person will, will value that because they will go, we can work together
as a team to create the future we want. But it's for,
funny, you know, even as you said, if the guy gets sick and the woman has to be the one who steps
up, even as you said that, I felt internally a pang, like a little visceral reaction of like,
oh, I know that would be really hard for me as a guy. If I got sick and you had to step up and I no
longer was able to. And the fact that it would be hard for you is what's very attractive. And I think
That's the thing. You know what I mean? It's like the fact that it would be hard for you, the fact that you want to be the person who provides. The fact that you're like, this makes me, the fact that I am not able to do this thing makes me want to work harder so I can do this thing. That's the part that's attractive, not the actual, I think not the actual money itself and success itself. I think that's really interesting. And I think it's good for people to hear that because to be honest with you, I hadn't even got that far when I said that. I just really.
really recognized that this feeling that guys have, and it comes out in a lot of really toxic
ways online for some communities, and it comes out in ways that I think are really, obviously
just very angry and unproductive, even for themselves, I do want to take a moment to just
show some compassion for what guys actually experience in this area, because what you, what
really behind all of that is fear right we it's a fear of not being significant not being worthy not being
enough not being attractive and men have had signaled to them for so long that their attractiveness is
linked to their ability to provide and we live in a world where the idea of what providing is
I think has become wildly inflated.
Yeah.
Because Instagram has basically magnified everything.
It's inflated everything.
You know, people are looking at lifestyles that they never would have seen before.
By the way, the reason they wouldn't have seen them before is because they weren't,
they're not real even for the people that are portraying them most of the time, right?
That person who's constantly portraying their life in Dubai or their life, you know,
traveling around Santorini and this, play.
And that, so much of it is nonsense.
but we're comparing ourselves to these lifestyles men are comparing themselves to other men who take
pictures with nothing but cars and jets and boats and you know just a completely unrelatable
level of wealth that's being pretended to be had by so many and so even those guys are now what
they see as enough has changed and I think that that's not just men either
I think that's women too.
You know, the same men, the same posts that and parts of the algorithm that are brainwashing men into thinking they don't have enough are also brainwashing women into thinking the men they're dating aren't enough.
So now you're not just contending with this, you know, your own comparison, but the fact that a lot of the people you're dating now have a level of entitlement.
about what they think they should have
and what they think a successful man looks like.
And all of that is just fueling inadequacy,
fueling insecurity about where I am in my actual life.
And it's a scary place to be to think,
I'm not earning enough, I'm not able to provide enough,
whatever enough is, and we can come on to that,
but I'm not able to do that,
And I'm in a place in my life where it feels like I can't possibly get there fast enough.
Or I'm too far behind to ever catch up.
Or I simply don't have the resources to be able to do that.
Like I'm working a job that doesn't pay me a lot by other people's standards.
I don't have the skills necessarily to go somewhere else.
I'm not entrepreneurial or being entrepreneurial might even feel irresponsible
based on the responsibilities I have.
I don't even know what I would do
if I was going to be entrepreneurial.
And by the way, not everyone should go and be an entrepreneur.
So it's like...
That's another thing, isn't it?
Like the entrepreneur culture,
like this idea of like everyone wants to be a CEO,
everybody wants to be an entrepreneur.
And not realizing that obviously like if your goal is to make money,
that's actually not even necessarily the fastest route to it.
But it does exemplify that attractive trait of like being a girl.
go-getter being someone who actually kind of, you know, says I'm going to make something of
myself. I'm going to really like put myself out there and really, you know, and that's, and that's
very attractive, whether or not you are or not successful in your endeavor, I think. And 90% of that
is pretend too, because how many people are creating Instagram profiles with a company they started
yesterday and putting saying CEO, you know, so there's, there's so much nonsense out there, but it is
creating real comparison and it is creating real inadequacy. And I'm curious as to what you
think about this Stephen because it's that that fear and that insecurity is is very real for men and
that same feeling that I had when Audrey just posed a hypothetical that like I get sick and I'm in
the hospital and now I can't do that gave me an instant instinctive reaction of like oh that would
make me feel deeply uncomfortable and of course that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable because
there's something deep in my programming, whether it's societal or biological, we don't need to
get into, but there's something deep in my programming that says you would be less, you know,
there's something about that that would be less attractive or less worthy. And that's scary.
So I have such empathy for people who are in positions in life where they're feeling that every day.
And is that because you fear it would change how Audrey felt about you?
I think that there would be, if I'm being really honest, I think that it would be this instinctive feeling that I was somehow failing in the way I was showing up as a man and that over time, there would be something about it that would wear Audrey down.
Not that she, I'm not suggesting for one second she wouldn't be with me or anything like that, but I'm saying that feeling of like over time.
it would start to affect her.
Yeah, and I think that affects a lot of men's confidence massively.
I think in some ways that we're all thinking about people who are in like the 5 or 1%,
and I think that is the problem, is like for most people, like I've coached a lot of women over the years,
as have we all, like a lot of them are not actually their goal,
the thing that's holding the back isn't that they're seeking a super rich, successful guy.
That isn't what people's major problem is.
And actually, if you're a guy, I think the encouraging thing is,
actually, if you're doing some of the basic things well,
you're actually ahead of, like, so many people.
If you are saving some money every month, you're investing a bit,
you can pay your rent, you've got a job that's got a steady income.
You're actually ahead of so many of those pretenders and wannabes
and people going, yeah, I'm doing, you know, they talk grandiose dreams,
but actually they're making nothing and it's all like smoke and mirrors
and it's all dreams and whatever
like those people put on a good image
and a good game but actually you're ahead
of so many people if you have a stable
income and a life
where you are actually putting some money away
so I think there's an encouraging thing that
the standard just that whatever the internet tells you
and all that stuff about you know and they'll
interview like the shallowest people who go yeah
it's all about you know someone needs to earn 250k
or they're not worth my time it's like why are we taking that
as the barometer for what people are
like. That is not what the average person is actually looking for. And so, and by the way, I don't want
to seem Pollyannish here, because I'm not in denial that the standards have risen. Women earn more
now. And so there might be a lot of women who say, well, maybe if I have kids and I want to slow down
a bit in my career and I want the guy to pick up some slack, I do want a guy who's stable, as stable as
me and she might be a working professional who goes I do want I want to keep that lifestyle if
maybe I have kids and maybe I want to like slow down a bit I want to keep that lifestyle and I
think there are men for whom they think well am I capable of doing that.
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years. I want to read, this is going to seem off a side like left field from what we're
talking about, but I want to bring it back because there's a really interesting thought when
I read this. I think this, David, you found this on Reddit. It was from a woman 34,
female who said, I'm finding it really hard to de-center men while being single because the
current economy is brutal. I think what she means by that is like not. Make them the center of her
focus and finding love, center of her focus. She said rent and mortgages are so high. It feels
like everything is built on the assumption of two incomes. Couples can buy homes, rent bigger
places, build wealth, while single people are stuck covering 100% of the bills with 50% of the
power. I don't want to rely on a partner financially, but the girl math is hard. Don't get me
wrong. I would love to find a partner, but I feel I'm searching from a place of need rather than want
half of the time. I sometimes think because I don't have my own place, it makes me less desirable as a
partner, but then it's also nearly impossible to do without a partner. Catch 22. So here's the
interesting thing. Firstly, here we have a woman who is saying, I worry, it's making me seem
less attractive that I don't have my own place, right? So I think for any men listening, it's
important to hear that, that you're not the only one who may be worried that you're not enough
if you don't have enough. We also see an example here of someone who is saying, not I want a really
wealthy person today but someone who is saying I really need a teammate because life is hard
and it's much harder on my own trying to you know finance the cost of living today than it would be
if I had a teammate so I think that like men out there who say I'm sick and tired of feeling like
I have to be the sole breadwinner, blah, blah, blah, like I, you know, and women just want a guy
who's got money.
This should give you some encouragement that actually there's plenty of women out there who
just want a teammate.
But there was something more subtle that I, when I read this, I thought was really interesting
and actually can help create some empathy in women for men.
because when I read this I and all of the reasons she said it's really hard to be single and how
expensive it is and really needing a teammate to help finance how expensive life is I thought wow
congratulations you know now you now know how it feels to be a guy in this world who is
expected to pay for everything let's talk about
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because what you just articulated is difficult about being a single woman is exactly what many
men feel is difficult about being a coupled man but you know i i hear you but i hang on hang on
steve true or false like if for guys for guys for guys for guys for people for everything like
plenty of guys pay for everything in relationships because they've been made to feel like they
have to or that they should or that that's what's the the way it's done and that's not just a
that's not something men just invented right there's plenty of women out there who make a guy feel
like he's doing something wrong if he's not picking up the tab every time they go out and we have to
be honest about that because that is the reality that men are facing a lot of the time how many
women do we hear from that say you know he for the first two months he picked up the bill and now
he started expecting me to pay what do I do about that and it's like what you do about that is
you start being a teammate you've been dating for two months but that's a certain type of woman I agree
and I think it then becomes about what that's it that's like a whole episode in itself is
how do you in your selection process for who you choose to date
look for those signs that someone is a teammate versus someone who's going to have that expectation.
But I just want to recognize that a lot of people are coming across those people.
And there are plenty of women who, when they go on a date, are like, we'll say,
we'll openly say, if he doesn't offer, if he doesn't pay, I'm turned off.
and that becomes a pattern then in their relationship.
Look, I was in a situation where I was a couple of months into dating someone
and it really started to irk me that this person never offered to contribute to the bill
because I'm the kind of person who likes paying.
Like I'm not, I think sometimes people misread me when I talk about,
when we talk about the whole like who should pay on a date thing.
And my philosophy is simple. I've said it before. The video got 30 million views.
People know my stance on this, I hope by now. But in case you don't, my stance on who should
pay on a date is if you're a guy paying for the bill, especially if you're the one who asked for
the date, is the thing to do. But if you're a guy and the woman you're across from doesn't even offer
to help, then you, that can very quickly start to send a message, right?
You, I'm not saying as a woman, you should fight a guy on a date to go halves on the bill,
right? That's not in the spirit of a date. If someone's like, no, no, no, let me get this.
Thank you so much. That's really kind. And by the way, gratitude goes a long, long way.
When you, the worst thing, the worst thing is when someone doesn't offer to contribute and then
doesn't even acknowledge that the dinner was bought like that is the height to me that is the height
of entitlement and rudeness and by the way that happens a lot right it's like people just kind of
don't look at the bill it's an awkward moment someone pays and then the date just carries on right
that is the height of rudeness have you guys experienced that a lot like going on dates with people
and they just i experienced going on a date no forgive me it wasn't a date this wasn't a date i just
experienced going to what I thought was like a kind of business I thought it was a bit of a
business meeting because I had worked with this person they were part of a company turned out
it was a hot steamy day there was no steam that's like I'm here to do business
why am I clothes on no we did not get that to that point what happened was
this person started ordering like a ton of like she was ordering champagne the soft crab really
expensive things on the menu and by the way this was at a time where I could not afford this meal
like I was in a restaurant I couldn't afford thinking man I'm like this is going to be an expensive
bill and that was when I thought we were splitting the bill right or in my head I was like I don't know
maybe her company's paying for this because I was like technically the client so I was like
Maybe her company's paying for this.
But if it's not, that's okay.
We'll go 50-50.
That's fine.
She's like, forget the crab.
What's the price on the lobster today?
Yeah, that sounds good.
Anyway, at the end of the meal, I can't remember how it came to be.
But I was like, I must have said, like, I thought I was being generous by being like,
you don't have to do this on the company.
Let's split it.
What happened was she got immensely offended.
And I remember us getting in the tax.
and her like basically half on like I was going to drop her off and as we as I was going to drop her off she said just let me out here and just just open the door and stormed out of the cab because I think she was so mad I think what happened was she really didn't see herself going home like a couple of hundred dollars poorer that night and when that happened she was furious she was like I wouldn't have ordered that
I would not have got the champagne.
I wouldn't have like...
What was it you said the other day?
I don't want the meal I can afford.
I want the meal you can afford.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't want my lifestyle.
I want your lifestyle.
No, it's that, but that was what it felt like.
It was she had come in with a very set assumption of who was paying that night.
And it really like, it really upset her that she went home having paid half of that
meal. So I have experienced that. And I will say my, the greater experiences of my life have not
been that. Most of my experiences have been the opposite of that, have been with incredibly
gracious and generous and people who are teammates from day one. But I've, I was dating someone
And where at one point I said, hey, it, it bothers me that you never offer to contribute.
Like, I just want to say it because I don't want to, you know, hold on to that.
But it does bother me.
I feel like every time the bill comes, you, you know, nothing happens.
I just end up paying.
And I've had to contribute ever since.
It wasn't you.
But by the way, she was immensely embarrassed by that.
In that case, this is not someone who stormed out of a cab.
This was someone who was immensely embarrassed.
And it never, like, after that, it didn't matter.
It wasn't like that.
But those were the roles that we were playing.
And by the way, like, let me take some responsibility for this.
Those were the roles that we were playing because she, I think, was in, she was used to that.
And that was what she'd been taught that was the right thing to do.
And I was coming in, I'm sure, with my ego and thinking, I'll take care of this.
And then the next bill came up and I was like, I'll take care of this.
And then the next bill came up and I was like, I'll take care of this.
And so I'm also ingraining that pattern because I want to feel like the big guy who's getting
the bill and doing the thing.
And so, but now like I'm that guy who's getting slowly and slowly more resentful
because I feel like I've not got a teammate.
But I think it's really important to recognize the very subtle dynamics at play in a situation like that.
Part of the reason I don't have a teammate is because I also haven't allowed someone to be a teammate.
I have come in thinking that a part of my value and maybe a bigger part than at the time I would have liked to have admitted is this is my ability to put the card down.
And then I'm mad because I've created that scenario.
But who am I really mad at? I should be mad at myself that in the beginning, I didn't have the guts or the self-worth to be honest from the beginning about the kind of dynamic I would like to set up because it played in my favour at that point when I was trying to impress someone to create the alternate dynamic that didn't end up being sustainable because it wasn't actually in line with my values or the kind of partner I wanted to have.
Yeah. And then you get resentful about it. And I think a lot of guys have that situation where it's just, you know, it is unfortunate that a lot of us are brought up to just think that like lots of men think, well, that is what I provide. That is my value. And it's, look, lots of women are attracted to men who at least can provide on some level or who at least have, you know, the stability to be able to offer like they can help build a home. They can help, you know, create an environment where we.
can have what we need and you know that is attractive the ability to signal future resources right
future resources and um and and and by the way i think i think there is an opposite thing we don't
have to get into it but i think there is an opposite thing where like men who are doing well for themselves
don't also want to feel they they don't want to feel like they have a partner that's overly
burdensome to them i think there's a lot of men a lot of men i know who do well are educated whatever
fairly successful, kind of want something similar for themselves in that they, it's not that
they're thinking, oh, can she provide for us? But they, they want to feel like we have a good
team contribution together. I don't have to completely now. I'm not just, you know, I'm with
someone who's broke, has no prospects, no whatever. A, because that's also boring, like for a person
who's successful and doing interesting things, but also they think, man, that's going to be really
burdensome. And I don't think I can carry that. I also think that's because you have friends.
who are good and decent human beings as well.
There are plenty of men out there
who absolutely do not care what her prospects are.
They care about owning someone.
For sure.
They know that if she's not powerful herself
and that they contribute everything,
that's a way of a certain control and dominance.
So I do think that also speaks to the quality of people
you know in your life.
But I want to reverse this for a second
because there are plenty of women
who will say,
that exactly what you just articulated for guys with money is true for them,
where they are in a situation where they've done well in life,
they've earned either a position of stability in life
or a position of real, you know, wealth.
And either way, those people will often say,
I want to date someone who can keep up with the life that I have.
I want to date someone who I don't have to just, you know, support now, essentially.
And I think where it gets really interesting is we could do a whole other episode of this.
So I'm not going to elaborate on these points right now.
Well, what you just said, though, does fly in the face a bit of the idea that women only want wealthy men.
Because actually we do hear from a lot of women who say, I'm actually quite successful.
And I've been supporting a guy who earns no money or nearly no money.
It does.
Although I think those people would say yes, but she's complaining about it.
and therefore that supports our point that she's not happy just to be supporting.
Well, she was attracted and got in a relationship with somebody.
Right, but it turned out to be an issue.
I'm just saying.
But I, yeah, I think these things do become issues for people because no one, man or woman,
well, this is where gender dynamics play a role.
And I think we have to acknowledge that.
It is more common for a guy to be okay with supporting a woman because it's much more
socially the norm but some people will argue that's biology but it's that scenario is less
troublesome usually than women who are in situations where they're the one supporting the guy and it's
often seen as worse right i think a guy if people observe a woman with a guy and she's the one
completely supporting him they have a lot more of a problem with that they i think people instinctively go more
to he's like a you know a deadbeat she's carrying him or something yeah like that's how how dare he
not like do something there's much more of that than there would be the other way round and i think
we have to acknowledge that but for women in these situations it's interesting and i think i'm all
over the map here but i think there's so much to say and i'm trying to keep it short if you are a woman
who has a lot of money,
I think that that should give you tremendous freedom
to choose who you want to choose, right?
I think that's not the time to say,
oh, it's so hard to meet someone
because I have so much money.
I think it's the time to say,
wow, I've really opened up my options here
because I don't have to be the person
who says, I really need someone
to earn X amount in life
so that we can live a decent life.
I'm already living that life.
I just need to find someone I love.
Right. So I think it should give you more freedom. But where it gets tricky is when you have a lifestyle that will be compromised by somebody who doesn't earn what you earn, which is the situation I would argue most people who have created stability in their lives are in. If they can afford a nicer experience of life, it's, it can be a lot harder to maintain that nice experience of life if you're now supporting another person.
you know it's much it's much more expensive to buy two plane tickets than it is to buy one so that's the
position that a lot of people find themselves in is not i want someone to have as much money or more
than me purely out of ego it's i want someone to have an equivalent lifestyle because otherwise
my lifestyle actually drops and that's a lifestyle i've fought for and worked for over many years
and that's where it gets a little bit trickier.
I think the hardest position is not for necessarily the Uber wealthy
who can date whoever they want and it doesn't matter.
I think it's for the middle who there will be implications for their life
if someone comes into it who's in a completely different bracket.
I think we can save that conversation for another time,
but it's an interesting one.
And if you have thoughts on any of this,
email us podcast at Matthew,
pussy.com. If we did another episode about all of this, tell us what are your thoughts. What
would you like us to talk about? What did we miss? I also just, I want us to finish off with
this point because for any men listening, it's really, really important to remember this.
You know, oftentimes what gets misconstrued is this idea that women just want a wealthy guy.
and I actually think that women are attracted to so many more nuanced qualities and attributes in men
and for instance one of the things that I have witnessed is men who have as in a certain bracket
earn a certain amount of money tend to carry themselves with a certain level of confidence
and they do that because money makes you feel powerful it makes you feel safe
it makes you feel in control. And so it's much easier to feel confident, act confident when you
have money and you know that ultimately you've got yourself sorted in that area. And that confidence
is actually oftentimes a thing that attracts a partner. And the reason I say that is because I think
that sometimes people have it the wrong way around. It's like, I need to make money and then I'll
attract people. It's like, no, whatever money is going to bring you, whatever you think,
that kind of money or having that kind of life is going to bring you, that feeling.
That's the feeling you should chase after because you may not attract every woman.
There will be women who go, you don't have enough because you're not on 250 grand,
which is ridiculous, by the way, like ridiculous.
When you look at the average income, that is a ridiculous, ridiculous expectation.
That's also someone I would never want to be with.
Of course.
So there will be people like that.
There'll be people like you've talked about who don't want to pay on a date, who don't
want to even reach for their wallet who expect to have their plane tickets paid for and have
their life funded but there's also a huge percentage of people who do not and who will be so
attracted to your confidence to your the fact that you know who you are to the fact that you know
you've made a really good point stephen like are you saving money are you stable are you striving
towards buying a house and having a steady life you know are you able to signal the fact that you're
going to have future resources. And future resources, by the way, does not mean being wealthy in
the future. It means you will be able to have a home and put your kids through school or
university. If that's something that you want to do, you'll be able to afford going on holidays
once a year. Like, it doesn't need to be extravagant and crazy. And I just, I think that that's
really, really important to make the, it's really, really important to make the distinction between
those two things, that it's not just about having all this money. It's also about, you know, the
energy that you bring to the table on a date and you bring to the table in dating because
frankly that is what is going to attract the most people to you not what is in your bank account
I'm really glad you said that and I'm glad you said it on the back of everything else I've said
because it's not what everything I've been talking about is not me saying that we all live in
this depressing world where everyone cares about the wrong things it's just an acknowledgement
of the fact that a lot of people have had really bad experiences just the same way that
women have had really bad experiences with, you know, guys who are looking for all the wrong
things. And to that point, by the way, there will be plenty of men who are looking for the
hottest girl they can find. And there are plenty of women who will look for the richest guy they
can find. They are the same people. They should find each other. You're not looking for them.
Also, I want to say to everyone out there who watches these videos on YouTube, because I know
so many of you watch the podcast on YouTube. We love when you comment and we love the debate in the
comments that happens between different parts of our community, the men, the women, everybody. But
I will say like these, hopefully what we can do about these subjects is, is albeit debate them,
do it in a way that is compassionate and that doesn't just come from a place of anger or toxicity.
You know, that's the kind of community that we want to create where we can actually talk about
these things and also like take some responsibility. There's a huge part of our ethos and our philosophy
is taking accountability too. So you know the the finger pointing that happens in so many
communities online to me it's just not a winning mindset and we're not just about explaining things
here on this podcast and talking about them. To me it's also about getting the most out of life and
to do that you have to have a winning mindset and a winning mindset isn't just pointing the finger at
everybody else all the time for our own frustrations. So I say that with love, but like,
I love the positivity and the kindness that we have in our community. And as this podcast grows and
we bring in new people, I want to continue that culture and not lose it. And for that, we need all
of you in the energy and the tone that you bring to the comments below.
So we have a love life line here. Dear Audrey, Matthew, Stephen, and
David. David doesn't have a microphone today. He's wearing a mask because he's sick. Sorry, David.
Love your podcast, which I have been listening to up and down for the past weeks,
especially because of the following situation, to which I will now cut to the chase and would love your thoughts on.
My story goes as follows. I met a guy during a film festival I was working at,
and within a few days of knowing each other and a few conversations, we hooked up and went home together after the final party.
The night, though a little drunk and clumsy, was wonderful.
and for the first time in a long time I felt the butterflies again and a little bit in love if I dare say
however already the morning after I could feel his energy shift in a way that I had already feared it might
if I went home with him which we know she did we messaged a little bit afterward and he was sweet
and friendly but kind of ended up breadcrumbing me and then never responded to my last message
now I am left with the gut-wrenching feeling that I slept with him too soon I always
almost went home alone, then decided last minute to go for it. And in doing so, I devalued myself.
At the same time, I didn't feel like falsely suppressing my desire in that moment, for what to me
feels like a medieval gender rule about not going to bed with a man too soon if you want to
keep his interest. Now, I can already hear Matthew's voice saying, move on, your time is valuable.
And my rational brain agrees that the signs so far show that he merely wanted a one-night stand.
but I can't help but think that he's someone I'd really like to see again and get to know.
We live in different countries, but he is moving to a city that I travel to regularly.
So the plan I now have in my head is to contact him once I am there again and see if he'd like to go on a date.
Am I delusional and or devaluing myself to give this another shot?
And if not, how can I turn this power dynamic around and give him the chance to see me in a different context
and perhaps in a different light?
thanks as always for all of your wonderful thoughts bianca thoughts thoughts i feel really sorry for
bianca this question when i first read it made me kind of angry um i don't know how you guys feel
about it but i just i i think there are so many especially women listening who will relate
to having been in that exact situation where they feel like for whether it's you know two
dates, 10 dates, five days, two weeks. They got one version of a person, which is someone who was
probably texting back promptly, engaging, meeting up, you know, just showing interest,
being open. And then to use her language, you sleep together and in the morning, his energy
just shifts. And the fact that he hasn't responded to her message and the fact that he
has left her feeling like she has devalued herself, which by the way, Bianca, you have
not devalued yourself. I think we should talk about that. There's a lot, I have a lot to say,
and I'm sure everyone else has a lot to say on that. But the fact that that's how it's left you
feeling, I think it's just, it's so unfair, and I really, really, really hate the fact that
this happens. And I think I hate that, I hate, what I hate is that I conceive straight through
somebody who does that, because the reason you feel that way, Bianca, is because he probably was in a
situation where he was going, well, this is just a bit of a holiday romance, a bit of a kind
of fling, because we don't live in the same countries, we're meeting in this place. And he sort of
kind of was able to then like almost get what he wanted out of the situation, which was a casual
thing, and left you feeling like, you know, basically like a little bit worthless from everything
you're saying. And so that makes me mad because I think it lacks transparency. And I understand
and why somebody doesn't go into it saying, like, I'm not looking for anything serious
or this isn't going to happen.
And I think this is where, Bianca, it's really important that you go into it.
And you ask, you know, you're able to ask and state what you want in a situation
before you do something that you are not necessarily comfortable doing if it doesn't amount
to anything.
Like if sex means a lot to you, you know, maybe those conversations need to happen prior.
But I do, yeah, I just made me mad.
And I, that's, I'll stop there.
because I actually want, I think it's more interesting to answer Bianca's question,
but it did make me kind of angry reading it.
I'm curious what role, context should play in these situations.
Because when I hear film festival, both away from home, live in different countries,
only going to be interacting for five days before you get on a flight,
I already am sort of instinctively building some of that context into the situation.
Like low expectations is built in to the idea.
A little bit.
And in a way, the onus is on this person and me to communicate otherwise if it's, if I see it as more,
it's almost like that's the part I need to communicate.
like I see it as less relevant to communicate that it's less
because the context of the situation already makes me feel like it's going to be less
so I would need extra assurance that it's going to be more from someone like hey
I know we're both on a film festival you're working I'm doing that whatever we're only here
for five days I live in Spain you live in America I you know I know that the odds are
against us here, but I don't know. Like, I like you. And I'd be open to kind of continuing to talk
once we got home. If you, like, if I heard that from someone, I'd be like, oh, this, I might look at
this as a little bit more than a film festival fling for five days. And I, I say all of this
completely understanding that when you are the one who's actually in the situation and you find
yourself with an attractive stranger, feeling comfortable, having fun, making each other laugh,
getting excited to speak to them the next day, that a lot of that logic goes out of the window.
But to me, that's the kind of logic that we have to hold on to in those situations because
context does matter. And so I look at this and I go, and I'm, Bianca, I sympathize so much with
the feelings that you have of
of hurt
at having, you know, had sex
with someone and then feeling like
they fizzled out and didn't respond
to your last message. Clearly, he
could have handled that a lot better
than that. So let's just
make that very clear.
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Hi, it's Morgan from off the shelf,
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While I understand that, and I'm really sorry that that happened,
I think it's really important that we use that context not to get ahead of ourselves.
in these situations you know when i read you were even a little bit in love i want to remind you
five days you know i'm saying five days you said a few days so it might have even been less than
five days but like that feeling you have is producing part of the hurt because it amped up the
intensity to such an extent that you now are like, I'm having real deep feelings for this
person. And I would say, you're not necessarily, you're, you're having extremely intense feelings
for this person, but I wouldn't necessarily argue you're having very deep feelings for this
person. I think we have to separate depth from intensity. And what's causing your hurt,
I don't think is depth. I think it's intensity of feeling. So that's the first.
thing that I think is creating a level of hurt that is over too much hurt for someone you've
known for a few days. So then what's the other part of the hurt? The other part of the hurt is that
you have a kind of a script, a story around what sex means and that I wouldn't have,
there's a this thing of I don't know that I would have done this so quickly had I known this
would happen. Maybe you're saying now I definitely.
wouldn't have done this so quickly had I known this would happen. And what's interesting is actually
you write about like this, you know, what you say is a medieval gender rule about not going to bed
with a man too soon if you want to keep his interest. And clearly you have disdain for that
rule because you don't want to live in a world where there's this power play around sex like
that. You want to just be able to have sex with someone and let it be just sex. I would argue that
in a sense you need to take your own philosophy on board there with this that you have not
devalued yourself that that is a medieval role when men don't if a man wants to commit and
thinks you're amazing and is really like he's serious he's not going to discard you because
you slept together unless he's a misogynist if he's a misogynist he might say oh you
slept with me after five days, I'm not interested anymore. But if he's not a misogynist or someone
with a religious dint to their thinking, then he's not, no one's thinking that. They're just thinking,
I saw someone for five days, I had a great time, the sex was great, I want to keep seeing them,
if that's what they're in the market for. Yeah. So you have not devalued yourself. You don't need to
attach any meaning to this. Like, had I not done that, maybe it would have gone differently. Because even
though you hate the idea of that, I get the sense that a part of you does actually believe
that. And that's the part that we want you to let go of in this. When you say, am I delusional
and, you know, devaluing myself to give this another shot, I would argue there's nothing to
give another shot. This person hasn't texted back to your last message. This is where our brain
starts to go into the kind of world of fantasy, right? You let's look at the facts. You
live in different countries. He's moving to, he's not moving to your city. You said he's moving to a
city I travel to regularly. So even there, it's like I'm stretching to find the logic of this.
He's moving to a city you travel to regularly. So now the plan I have in my head is to contact him
once I am there and see if he'd like to go on a date. Well, look, there's nothing wrong with that.
And here's the thing. He might say yes to that, but it might be the same deal. Oh, all over again.
I'm not against a Hail Mary text, like, as a kind of like, you know, if you're kind of like,
let me just see if it's properly, like, you know, throw out a Hail Mary, just let's see
if it's still on the cards or not. I'm not against that. I am against doing that more than
once. But I think then you just might have the same guy with the same intention. Unless you talk
or go on a proper date, then it doesn't involve sex and you know, see how that goes and organically
grow it. You're going to have the same like, oh, you're here on holiday? Great. Let's hook.
up again. And if you can't enjoy that sex for what it will be, if he fizzles again, you
definitely shouldn't do that. The last sentence you say, if not, how can I turn this power
dynamic around? There's no power dynamics like this between two people who are right for each
other. You don't need to, quote, turn the power dynamic around with someone who's right for you.
And even your framing of this as a power dynamic robs you of your power.
because if you just said, okay, I had sex with this person, I would have liked for it to go somewhere
more, but it didn't. But I haven't lost my power. I've just discovered that this person doesn't want
the same thing I do. Then there is no power dynamic. But the idea that you have to turn the power
dynamic around is you asserting that you have already lost your power. That's such a good point.
so there is no you don't need to get him to see you in a different context that assumes he now
sees you in some lower context he doesn't he's just he had his goals you had your goals they
didn't align and it the only there's no way by the way to entirely account for mismatched goals
other than to either delay sex which i agree with you sometimes is just not fun
and or to express to someone that what you are looking for is something more in your life
you aren't trying to make this something that it isn't four days in because you don't know
each other that well that's how you maintain your power when you're saying that in the sense of
like I'm not suggesting here that you've already won me over in every way because how could
day after four days. But sex means something to me. And as much as I'd love to go home with you
tonight, if for you, it's, you know, this is just a kind of fun fling for a few days, which I agree,
it has been fun. I just, that's not a line I would cross for myself. You can say that. And that's
one way to mitigate for mismatched goals. But if you're out there sleeping with people who you have a fun
time with and you're doing that within a short space of time, there's no way to fully account
for mismatched goals other than to spell them out. And even then you'll get some liars. And
those are the real, you know, those are the real pieces of work is the people that you express that
and they lie to you and still disappear afterwards. I also want to say, Bianca, because I think
it's really important. You are clearly, like what you just said, Matt, is so valuable around,
you know, you have created a power dynamic between you and this person because you're going,
I now need to prove to him that I am worthy and valuable. And I want you to remember that
maybe half of the reason why you think he's so valuable is because you don't feel like you're
valuable because of the power dynamic that you have created. And so just ask yourself, if I did date
this guy, you know, how do I know for sure that in three months time he wouldn't annoy the hell
out of me? That we have mismatched values on this thing, that actually he's really annoying when he does
that, that I actually don't really like him. He annoys me. He's not interesting in the way I thought he was
in this exciting context of a film festival and doing all these things. Like, just don't put him on
this huge pedestal where it's like the love of my life or this person that I really thought
I could have something with has slipped through my fingers because I made this giant mistake
that is making him so important and I think all of that stems from exactly what you said Matt
which is just she has you know Bianca you've put yourself on the back foot in the situation
and it's time to take your power back and take control back by realizing that he is not that
special you don't really know this person and if you want to send the hell Mary
that's fine but you can go into it going it's going to be on my terms this time and if he doesn't
want to meet me then he's definitely not the right person for me but what I know for sure is
the way that I have made myself feel in the situation I will not make myself feel again and a
hell merry text is by definition a hell merry text that's like going into the casino and going
I'm going to make an outside bet I mean there's a this probably isn't going to come through
but yeah I'll put a chip or two on that every time we've ever done
done that in Vegas we lose with that and that's what you're by the way that's what you have to tell
yourself i'm not going in and taking like all my money that i have to lose tonight and putting it on
that number but yeah i'll throw a chip on it i'll throw something that i'm not going to miss
we had a comment on episode 314 they've stopped trying do this instead if you want to listen to an
episode from someone who has stopped trying. Go back and listen to episode 314. Sean K says,
OMG, I really like the reference of trying less that you've mentioned in this episode. As a dancer,
I'm always told to do less in my movements and it is so hard to do so. And I realized it's the
same in my love life and my relationships. Once you figure out how to do less, the impact is
beautiful. Thank you so much for making that connection. It helps a lot. I love that. Thank you,
We had another comment on episode 315, the X effect, why your brain can't let them go.
This one is from Brett.
I love this podcast so much.
Every time I'm dealing with dating bull crap or someone that's not being consistent with healthy behavior
and I feel like I need to compromise or like I'm doing something wrong,
you all help bring me back to earth and realize that I have got to stay the course
and stick to my values and standards even if it means being alone.
really appreciate you all so much. Thank you so much for that, Brett. I think it's so lovely to remember
that these, sometimes we need to hear something 10 times, 50 times, 100 times. And like the podcast
can be the difference. Like 30 minutes, 45 minutes of listening to the podcast can be the
difference between having an awful day and connecting to our joy, our peace or our value. I love it.
It's that time again
Steve's sleeves
Oh welcome everyone
We've got a great show for you today
We're going to play a game
called The Price of Love
The Price of Love everybody
Let's cue the theme song
Don't be bereaved
You know there will
We can live without another episode of Steve Sleeves.
The price of love. Let's hear it.
We've talked a lot about money and whether being a provider makes someone a worthy mate.
But I want to talk about some of the behaviors or negatives that might be bad enough that it doesn't matter what someone makes.
They, you can't put a price on it.
Did you and David come up with these together?
No, we did not.
Steve's exclusive okay so I'm going to give you some scenarios you're going to tell me
is it a dollar deal breaker okay or are you going to buy that guy okay I might need to write
those down because of wait dollar deal breaker I like these this is classic Steve's sleeves
and buy that guy buy that guy what so it's just about guys well because we're talking the
episode was about men and money got it okay but it maybe
would say he's sort of guy could be anyone as well okay uh he makes 200k a year but spends more money on
his dog than you how long have you been together more on his dog he's better more on his dog
he's better more on his dog than you if you tally it up the dog got more at birthday at christmas than
you did it's hard because you know like in japan what's that dog statue in jibah the
The famous Shibu.
Is it Shiba in Shibuya?
In Shibuya, I can't remember his name.
But, you know, like, if it was that kind of dog that he was that, because that dog was
amazing, it like showed up to the station every day after it.
So I don't think it was a Shiba.
Anyway, it was a lovely dog.
It was a Shibu.
Oh, it was.
Yeah.
That dog, like, showed up to the station every single morning, even after the owner died.
It was an amazing dog.
And so it got a statue.
If you're looking at it and going, you know, I had to erect a statue from my
dog because they was such a saintly incredible dog and technically yeah that statue costs more than
i bought in dinners last year for you it is niche and it required you'd have to have a truly
exceptional dog but it depends how long you've been together for right if you've been dating for six
months i think that's fine well how much does it cost to what are you spending on your dog i would be i'm
going to say um dollar deal breaker because if you're spending that much on your dog you're probably
someone who buys your dog silly shit that they don't care about.
Like a dog doesn't notice, you know, a golden collar.
Do you know what I mean?
It's not really improving the dog's quality of life.
Okay.
Once they're getting really well fed and having lovely walks and got a great bull,
it's sort of diminishing returns.
But you've got a human here that, you know...
Would love a golden collar.
Would love a lovely rib-eye steak dinner tonight.
So what's the answer here?
Dollar deal breaker.
I'm I'm I think it depends how long you've been dating him for I think it could be by that guy
unless you've been a long-term relationship with them in which case a dollar deal breaker definitely
fair enough okay he makes 300k a year but insists on investing most of his money into crypto memes
he has several crypto themed hoodies and dollar deal breaker yeah dollar deal breaker and he and he insists on
saving money on every day with coupons because he wants to invest more in crypto memes.
Means? Just like... Not even crypto. Not even just Bitcoin, just spreading around all like crazy
crypto coins. But he thinks he's like, he's like, look, I own 300k, yeah, I know what I'm doing. Like,
I've got a... I would say a dollar deal breaker because for every one of those people that should be
taken seriously, there's probably like a million who shouldn't. Right. And you've got to play the
odds. That's very true. I agree. That's smart. Yeah. I'm going to, I wouldn't take my chances
with that. And if I, and if that person went on to be a billionaire, I'd have to go,
I still made the right choice because the chances were, they were against me. The process was
correct. Your process was correct. Okay. He makes 400k a year, but likes to game for three
hours a day after work, video games. Hmm. Giving you a good life.
Wait, I don't make 400.
For anyone who didn't hear that, David, just goes.
Well, I didn't, I don't make 400.
Well, this is always one those interesting ones because the women gamers are like, cool.
And then there's some women for whom video games are anathema.
And they're just like, no, I cannot do a guy who games every day.
And obviously for those women, it's dollar deal breaker.
But there's a whole swath of people in the middle who say, that's not my interest,
but can I be okay with it being their interest?
and that really comes down to does that person respect and value the relationship enough to put
similar investment into the relationship because there's nothing wrong with them investing time
in something they love but is it to the exclusion of the relationship because you also have to be
something they love your relationship also has to be something they love and where that argument
of like but it's my passion falls down is when
it becomes a zero-sum game between this passion and your relationship, which supposedly
is also your passion, but isn't being treated as one.
Yeah, my issue with it is the three hours after work every night, because, you know,
most people finish work at six.
So then, what, they're gaming six till nine, you're going to bed at 9.30.
Like, you don't see them.
If you're not into gaming with them, you don't see them.
if it's like you know i like to game six or eight hours a week but i do that across my
weekends and a few nights and stuff that's different that's like fine if that's your passion you
could have that with reading could have that whatever but it's the every night three hours i just
would feel like i'm never going to see them yeah that would be nice lifestyle lifestyle is important
um he makes a million a year okay but insist you refer to him as dungeon master because of his
d and d obsession like in public or just in just at the house in the house can you can you can you say
dm for short or do you have to refer to the full dungeon master name every time you can sometimes
refer to him by his d and dame um like the character he plays definitely dollar deal break
auction on steel definitely dollar deal it's a dollar deal breaker i think it's the the idea that you
insist. Yeah.
Like, it's, nicknames are supposed to be natural. And they're supposed to be like not done
under duress. Then, you know, it's like you do it because it feels good to do it, not
because someone insists. I would say, all right, fine, a dollar deal breaker. Sounds a bit
mad. He earns 600K a year, but wants to split the costs when you travel. Well, there's a lot
of follow-up questions to that one. Yeah. Because it's how much do you earn? Yeah, that
then it's like do you earn the same amount do you earn at least enough to be able to contribute
to the same extent they do do you do they get a vote in where you go because if I have to pay
50% and you want to go to the most extravagant hotel every time and you want to travel business
then I'm beholden to your spending plan but if I get a vote and I get to say actually I'd prefer
we stayed in a more reasonable place if I'm going to pay 50% then I think that's that could be okay
that could be a buy that guy but you don't get to say you have to contribute 50% and it's my way
in terms of what we do I agree also as a general rule I think what is a good way to kind of go about
money spending in couples is doing it as a percentage of what you earn so it's like imagine
If I earn 20 grand and you earn 50 grand,
or 40 grand, sorry,
it's absolutely fine that I contribute 50% less than you do
because that's still the same amount of percentage
of what I earn going into the pot,
if that makes sense.
Where I think it's not fair is when it's in balance
because someone puts in 70% of their earnings
and the other person puts in 20%.
I think if you're just going,
we both put 40% of our earnings in this pot for our life
I think that's a good rule because it's like then you're both you're both doing the same thing
even if the amount isn't actually the same I agree with that I agree with that I also think
any relationship where it's constantly tip for tat you always are like making sure that it's
the books are balanced or not you know like yeah that to me is it's indicative of a different
kind of disease in a relationship and our friend remit seti says that
that never changes if someone is very uh obsessive or cheap or just obsessed with
everything netting out he he says that doesn't change yeah no if you're if you're like
both obsessing over making sure you both paid 50% all the time on everything to me something's already
and you want to be with someone who like if they're on you know earning 600 grand a year sometimes
they would we would want to treat you unless they're paying off debt or they're supporting other people
bit like that's a large sum of money you would think that you like even if you're you make enough
money you go I want to put my money back into the person I love I want to treat them to a nice
weekend away I want to buy them a present both both on both sides by the way not just the person
who earns that much and I think the fact that he insists every single time they go on holiday
to split it and yeah I'm not sure okay he earns 500k a year but he
forgets every birthday and anniversary
he just they just
mean nothing dollar deal breaker
but he's generally you know he's
he's a dollar deal breaker especially if you've expressed
not a bad memory
uh
bad he's just he's just in his own like
if that's his only floor
then fine if he's perfect in every other way
we haven't chosen to buy any of these guys
haven't we I think I've made the deal breakers quite bad
I was willing to be by that guy on the video gamer.
Sorry, that gamer.
You got a few gamers in the room, so you've got to play to play to Craig.
I'm just trying to not upset David.
All right, well, thanks so much, everyone.
That was a good one.
I like that Steve's sleeves.
And you know I'm always honest with you about Steve's sleeves.
That was a solid eight out of ten Steve's sleeves.
That was your meat and potatoes, Steve's sleeves.
back to basics you know i like the language don a deal breaker and buy that guy wish there were a few
buy that guys but i i would have liked to have said that more but fair enough
well that's it for today thank you so much for your comments both of you thank you to all of you
out there listening and watching the podcast we appreciate you all so much thank you bianca for sending in
your question and to everyone who's leaving comments on the podcast in general don't forget to grab
your retreat ticket at retreat access.com if you love the podcast i promise you you haven't seen
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