Love Life with Matthew Hussey - He Disappears in Between Dates?

Episode Date: November 9, 2016

Imagine this: You’re casually dating a guy you really like. He makes plans with you on a Monday for the following weekend, and says he’s looking forward to seeing you, and then… SILENCE. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday…no phone calls, no texts, nothing. What does this mean? Is he still into you or has he completely forgotten about you in the meantime? What should you do? Should you call or text HIM? Or would that seem desperate? This is what our caller, Anna, wants to know. I talk her through this tricky situation, lend her some insight about what’s going on in her guy’s mind and give her some surprising advice. If you know a man who disappears in between dates, don’t miss this episode of LOVELife. 

This is Love Life and I'm your host, Matthew Hussey. It's so exciting to hear feedback from women who say things like, Matt, I tried the advice from your podcast and I met someone incredible that same night. But occasionally, I'll hear something like, when something finally starts to go right in my life, I have trouble trusting that it's real and I just can't enjoy it. If you can relate, I want you to stay tuned until the end of today's show because there's something really exciting I want to share with you

that has the power to change your way of thinking forever. But first, let's get to the episode. We have a caller on the line and that caller is Anna. Anna, are you there? Yes, I am. Hello, Matthew. What was your question, Anna? Okay, so I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks. He's been on two dates so far.

However, it seems like he does a pretty crappy job on following up with dates. For example, if we plan on Monday, for a date on Friday, he won't speak to me between Monday and Friday, which is kind of fishy because I'm a creature of habit and he normally speaks to me almost every day. It's just between the days of us going out, he just will stop talking to me.

This is kind of an interesting one because in some ways you have the opposite problem of what a lot of people have, which is they're saying, I can't get a date, right? I'm trying to go out with this guy and he's not following up and nothing's happening. How do I get him to ask me out? What you're saying is he has asked me out, but then I don't hear from him until the date, right? Yeah, exactly. Now, firstly, you've got to understand that when someone arranges to do something with you, it almost goes to a certain part of their mind where they now go, oh, well, I'm going to see that person. That's what I thought. Exactly. Yeah. So now there's not the same pressure as when you don't know whether you're going to see someone and then

you want to talk to them every day because you're like, oh, gosh, I don't know when I'm going to see you next. Now he is seeing you. So for a guy, a lot of guys in this position, they go, okay, I'm seeing her on Friday now, so I don't need to worry about it. So it kind of goes to a special box in his mind where he then doesn't think about it all that much till the day. Now, that doesn't mean that you can't text him in the run up to the day. But what you don't want to do. See, you said you're a creature of habit. And I'm glad you you were honest about that. Because I'm sure for you, there's a little bit of that over analytical part that says, well, why aren't we talking each day in the run up to the day, I would actually relax a little and, and, and take your foot off the pedal in that time, know that you're seeing, you're going to see him and that you're excited about it. And that's great. That doesn't mean by the way that in the meantime, you can't get in touch with him just with a text, just to give a little value and say, um, just wanting to let you know, I can't wait to see you Friday. Right. That's a really sweet thing to say. And it's something that builds anticipation for the day itself. But what I

wouldn't do is get into the territory of needing him to write back to you or needing him to say something to you. Because in all communication, we always want to be value giving, not value taking. And right now, when you're saying, but I don't get anything from him in between, then I think you go into a value taking mindset. And all you should be doing in those days is now and again, touching base with him and being like, really excited to see you. Um, or if you just saw something that reminded you of him, you know, just saw this thing in one of the shops I was in, uh, can't wait to see you.

Um, so that's it. You don't need to do a lot more than that. You've already won because you have a date with him coming up. Now, if that date wasn't for another month, I would say, okay, that, you know, you want to still be speaking to him in between. And if he's not, you can call him out on it a little bit and say, you go so off the radar. Um, like I never even hear from you. It's like, by the time I see you for a date again, you're a stranger. You can call guys out on that stuff in a playful and polite way. But I would say that for a few days before a date, you don't need to. I'm just really afraid of becoming desperate because I was the one that offered the invitation.

I kind of played it hard together. My school schedule was a little bit difficult and stuff. But I thought, like, it only worked to my benefit because I saw him taste me more. And so when I finally had the day free, I sent him an invitation. I said, hey, I'm free on Friday. Do you want to do anything? So he took it. He said, yeah, I'll see you that day.

But the thing is, what drives me nuts is that he didn't give me any specifics, like where are we going, what time. He just said, okay, cool, I'll see you that day. But the thing is, what drives me nuts is that he didn't give me any specifics, like where are we going, what time. He just said, okay, cool, I'll see you Friday night. But I wouldn't be doing any more from your end. You've already done plenty to be proactive. It's his job to be more specific now, and if it gets to Friday and he hasn't arranged anything, I wouldn't follow up with him.

Let him be the one who now comes back to you and arranges a more formal, I wouldn't follow up with him. Let him be the one who now comes back to you and arranges a more formal date and a get together. And if when he comes back to you, you find that he's still just as vague, then you can at least at that point say to him, let me know where and when. And let him initiate those details because otherwise you're going to get into the territory of doing all of the work for him and conditioning him initiate those details because otherwise you're going to get into the territory of doing all of the work for him and conditioning him to believe that he doesn't actually need to do anything because you'll you'll take whatever treatment he gives you okay so i would take your foot off the pedal now let him come to you a little bit um and and don't stress about it if

he doesn't you know it's his job to come back to you now. You've already done the work. You don't now need to do any more. Okay. And trust me, there are plenty of other people out there. So if someone doesn't come back to you and arrange proper details, go find someone better. You're never wrong about that, Matt.

Thank you, Anna. Okay. Thank you so much, Matt. You're so welcome. Bye-bye. You too. Thank you all for listening.. Thank you, Anna. Okay. Thank you so much, Matt. You're so welcome. Bye-bye. You too. Thank you all for listening. Big thank you to Anna. Keep calling in.

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