Love Life with Matthew Hussey - Help! My Boyfriend Wants to be With Me ALL the Time!
Episode Date: May 2, 2016When you first start dating someone you like, it’s not uncommonto want to spend all of your time together. But eventually yourinner voice of reason says, “Being with my guy’s awesome, but Istill... need to go to work/sleep/catch a yoga class from time totime/oh yeah, and eat something.” But what happens whenyour guy doesn’t feel the same way? Or worse, he gets hurt when yougently try to explain that you need some time apart? Today I take agreat call from Jessica and coach her through this tricky issue. Ieven uncover a bombshell confession that even she didn’tsee coming!
Transcript
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Welcome to Love Life. I'm Matthew Hussey.
And I was thinking, almost every question I get on the show is about communicating better with men.
What can I get him to say to ask me out?
What should I text him if he disappears?
How can I let him know I'm interested without coming on too strong?
So I've done something special for you.
I've put together a free guide called 9 Magic texts no man can resist that give you the exact
scripts to use for all different kinds of situations I'm going to tell you how you can
get your free guide at the end of the show so stay tuned we are excited today because we have
another caller on the line there has been the criticism recently that people have been thinking that it's the same caller calling in every time because the voice always sounds the same.
I have no idea why that is.
So I'm just secretly praying that this voice sounds really different from the others.
We shall see.
We have our caller ready for us, I think.
Jessica, are you there?
Hello. Hi. what was your question
lovely okay so i just got in a relatively new relationship and i found out that my partner is
slightly codependent and i'm a very independent person so i was wondering how i can deal with that
or what do i say to him like he
needs a lot of time with me and I need some time to myself sometimes is it is it in what way is it
far too much he wants to see you every day or what's the what's the big difference in how much
you want to see him and how much well no it's it's I'm a very busy person because I'm in grad
school so I'm always I'm working so when I do have free time I do see
him but it's sometimes I'm just like so tired that I just want to stay home and not do anything
and that includes not going out and seeing anybody is he not working he works full time
so he's busy relatively yes he has a nine to five so after that he's not busy so you're busy
on the evenings because you're also sometimes working. And if you're not working,
sometimes you want to be on your own. Exactly. And he was telling me the other
day how he absolutely cannot stand being alone. And I was like, oh, that's a problem.
Right. Well, I think the first thing always is to be compassionate,
especially when you like someone or you care about them. It's always important to be compassionate. That doesn't mean you have to agree with them on everything, but just being compassionate. Especially when you like someone or you care about them, it's always important to be compassionate. That doesn't mean you have to agree with them on everything, but just being
compassionate. The second part is having some empathy where you say, okay, you know, I can
relate to times maybe in my life where I didn't want to be on my own, or even if it wasn't a
certain period of my life, I can relate to nights where I don't want to be on my own or where I like
someone so much that I really just want to see them all the time. And maybe he's in that stage
right now. Um, but if he's expressed to you that he's doesn't like being on his own, the next stage
after obviously being empathetic is actually to speak to him and to let him know that there are
certain nights that you like being on your own. It has nothing to do with him, uh, and not wanting to see him. It has to do with you enjoying your own
space now and again, and having things that you really want to do. And, you know, maybe it's also
the case that sometimes some things you want to do, you need to focus on. And in order to focus,
you need to be on your own. You can't always be next to somebody else because you know,
it will distract you. Uh, you could even throw in a little compliment there and say having you around is a massive
distraction. Maybe you even make it a little suggestive. When you're around, I just want to
jump you and I can't have that all the time while I'm trying to work. So there are ways to make it
playful. There are ways to compliment him. But at the end of the day, you do have to speak to him
about it because if that resentment just builds up in you, then you're going to crack one day and he's not even going
to know why all of a sudden you're so angry and want to leave. Does that make sense?
Yes, it does. The problem is I try to talk to him about it and he took it very personally. So I was
like, oh, no, not personal. Of course, that's what human beings do. We ask everyone to be honest.
And then as soon as everyone's honest, we say, why are you being so mean? That's people. And by the
way, there'll be times in your life where someone has been honest with you and you took it personally
when it wasn't something that was that personal. So, you know, that's where I say compassion comes
in because you've got to allow him to be hurt in that moment and say,
look, I know you feel hurt by it, but I can promise you it's not about you. Uh, it has nothing to do
with my feelings for you. It just has to do with, you know, time that I enjoy spending on my own.
And by the way, at the end of that night on my own, it just makes me even more excited to see
you the next night. Um, and it's important that you show that to him at the end of that time of being alone,
that you are then excited to see him the following evening
or whenever it is you are going to see him.
And if, of course, you don't feel excited
to see him the next night,
then you might want to question
whether it's really about the two of you
wanting different times apart
or whether it's how much you like the guy.
Okay, I see that.
Do you like him?
I do.
I like that he's...
Oh, yeah, it's like I said, it's a new relationship,
and I like him, and I like the idea of him,
and he is very good on paper, and he's great.
It's just when I found out this codependency thing recently and he's very
affectionate, like overwhelmingly affectionate
Why, he kisses you too much?
Yeah, okay, we could say that.
It's like wave after wave of affection. He has a higher sex drive than you.
Apparently. Okay, well we got Oh, like wave after wave of affection. He has a higher sex drive than you.
Apparently.
Okay, well, we got to it, didn't we?
So, okay, so he wants sex a lot.
And right now you don't want to sex as much as him. And that's causing some conflict as well.
So he takes it personally when you reject him for sex.
Yeah, but it's just like I've tried to explain to him that I'm just not accustomed to that
much affection because that's not what I've been through in my previous relationships.
It was always like we were both very independent people, very busy, and it was just like, okay,
so he has a lot more free time on his hands and he's lived with past girlfriends, so I
can see why he's more affectionate, but I'm just not that much affectionate.
That won't solve the sex issue.
I'll tell you that now.
There's a difference between the time issue and the sex issue.
The time issue is you like being on your own sometimes, and you have lots to do, and you're a busy person, and that's one thing.
Being together and then having different drives towards sex is a different thing. That won't go
away with solving the time problem necessarily. So, you know, I would look at those two things
sort of independently. And you're going to have to judge this as you go along.
Is it possible for one person to be busier than the other right now and that's causing the less busy person insecurity?
Yes, that's entirely possible.
Is it possible that that person then becomes busier and gets more going on in their life and then that evens it out?
Of course.
Is it harder to get over when someone is just plain insecure on the inside and feels always rejected when that person isn't spending time with them, that's a little harder because now what you're really asking this guy to do is to become
more confident for you. And that's a big ask. You don't have control over him in that respect.
And if he's already creating problems now, chances are those problems will still be there
a year from now, but they'll be frustrating you even more and you'll feel claustrophobic
and suffocated. The sex issue, if the two of you don't have the same sex drive right now,
that's something that's not all that easy to resolve.
And I'll just be honest about that.
There's plenty of people listening right now hating me for saying that.
But it's just the truth.
The whole sex life thing, when it's right, it's not that hard.
Two people do want to be together they do find that um they
tend to be compatible on a sexual level and um i i have only found um and you know obviously i'm
speaking about my friends here i'm not speaking about me in any way but i have only found that
if in the beginning one person wants sex much more regularly than the other, that that problem tends to get worse,
not better. And I don't mean that it gets worse in the sense of you grow more and more apart in
that sense. I simply mean that the resentment and the frustration and the rejection become
even bigger once you pass that initial little honeymoon phase. So just pay attention to that
and don't kid yourself that everything
will change later on. And be honest about the things that, you know, where you actually might
not be the same person. Yeah, because I really like him and I don't want to like end the
relationship and I don't want to even think about that. But the constant... It sounds like you kind of like him. It doesn't seem like you kisses is annoying. It sounds like you kind of like him.
It doesn't seem like you really like him.
It seems like you sort of like him a little bit.
It seems like you like...
It was interesting when you said, I like the idea of him.
No one who really likes someone says, I like the idea of them.
Oh.
Jessica.
I know, I know.
Right, so go find someone you really like.
But I, I know, I know, but I like him.
I know, yeah, we all like a lot of people.
Yes.
Okay, well there's more people you can kind of like out there.
I sure hope so.
Yeah.
Stop being a coward.
Go meet someone you really like
okay
I will attempt
alright
listen
you're going to be fine
you're going to be fine
just make sure
that you're not kidding yourself
that you're in something
that you like
that you're telling yourself
you like it more
than you really do
because that leads
to much worse pain you want to be with someone that you're telling yourself you like it more than you really do, because that leads to much worse pain. You want to be with someone that you're head over heels for. And if this is new,
the truth is, Jessica, you should probably be fighting the urge to spend all of your time with
him. That's the truth. Like, I'm not saying you should be spending all your time with him. I think
that also is death to a new relationship. But the truth is when we're crazy about someone, we're fighting the urge not
to spend more time. Well, we're fighting the urge to spend more time with them. We're trying to say,
oh God, I really should go to that yoga class today. I really should eat something today,
shouldn't I? I haven't eaten in three days. We've just been together all the time and I've forgotten to eat. We sort of go into that mode rather than thinking, God, how do I just
get rid of him for a few days? You know, that tends not to be the place we're in when we head
over hills for someone. Anyway, just a thought. You ponder on that and let me know six months
from now where you are. All right? Absolutely. Jessica, you're brave.
You're courageous.
I appreciate you being so honest.
That's what makes these calls so amazing and will help not just you,
but so many other people out there.
So we appreciate you.
All right.
Thank you.
All right, lovely.
Take care.
Have a good day.
All right, you too.
Bye.
Ready for your gift?
Okay, I've put together a free guide called the nine magic texts no man can resist.
These are copy and paste scripts that you can use on any guide to create intrigue, attraction, and intense feelings of desire. To get your free guide, just go to lovelifepodcast.com forward slash texts.