Love Life with Matthew Hussey - How to Break the Spell of Complaining

Episode Date: October 5, 2016

Are you addicted to complaining? In this episode of LOVE Life, we take a look at why it’s dangerous to seek significance in the sympathy of others, and I’ll reveal the most rewarding way to get validation through actually solving your problems. It may not be instant gratification, but I promise it’s the most fulfilling way to live.

Hello everyone, this is Love Life with Matthew Hussey. You know, we've all been hurt in relationships. If we're not careful, we can end up shutting ourselves off completely to protect ourselves from more pain. But that cheats us out of opportunities to find the love we really deserve. So what should we do instead? I want to come back to this at the end of the show. But first, let's get into today's episode. Today, we're talking about complaining and whether it can ever really be a good thing. I'm interested in this subject, especially when I looked up the

dictionary definition of complaining. To complain, express dissatisfaction or annoyance about a state of affairs or an event. Now, when phrased like that, I don't actually have a problem with complaining. In fact, if you never express dissatisfaction or annoyance about something, not only are you a very boring person, but you're also somebody who doesn't really necessarily have the power to change something. So complaining in that sense is not an evil. I don't see it as a bad thing. I see it as a necessary part of the human condition and a necessary impetus for change, for making changes in our lives and in the world around us. Where complaining tends to become a negative is when

we get this protracted, moany state that a lot of people live in where they can't, they're relentless in their objections to things in simply stating that they don't like something over and over and over again. And I think the time that we get most sick of people, you know, for example, when our friend comes to us, when they come to us once and say something's wrong, very often we hear them out. We may even want to help them. We may want to find a solution for them. We understand that they may be complaining about something that is a legitimate complaint. But if we hear that same friend come back to us every day for the next two weeks about that same thing without having done anything towards changing it, that's when we start to get frustrated with people. But the problem for most of us is that when we complain to someone, it often ends in

some sort of positive emotion from them. You know, think about it. When you complain to someone, how often do they say, oh, stop complaining, please leave, you're making me so negative right now. People don't do that. Instead, they put an arm around you, they say, oh my God, that must be so difficult. They empathize. Many human beings empathize. It's what we're taught to do. And in empathizing, they provide you with some form of validation, some form of significance for having the problem in the first place. And this is one of the greatest dangers of complaining, is that complaining leads to short-term gratification, instant gratification. This is the problem with complaining, is that most people would rather settle for sympathy than go for glory. Because

the truth is, going after what you want, solving a problem, let's say, is the harder path in the short term. Actually solving the problem is the harder path. And I should say this, solving the problem is usually quite thankless. When you're off trying to solve something, very often it's a lonely task. Now, of course, the glory comes when you achieve something, when you actually get through it. That's often when you get the attention for doing it right. But I should add very often that there's sometimes even less glory in that than there is in the sympathy of doing it right. But I should add very often that there's sometimes even less glory in that than there is in the sympathy of doing it wrong. Very often you'll lose friends in solving a problem and keep more when you have the problem. So complaining becomes an addiction. It becomes a way to get attached

to validation, but it's the wrong type of validation that we're getting attached to. And I would argue that if you want to break the spell of complaining, change where you get your significance from. Do you get your significance from how many problems you have or the size of your problems? Or do you get your significance from your ability to be creative in solving them? One piece of advice, if you decide to take your significance from the latter, you have to get good at giving yourself the validation because far fewer people will give you the validation for going out and solving problems than they will for having problems in the first place. So that's it for today, my friends. Complaining is healthy when it is an

emotional response to a situation that warrants emotion, but it becomes unhealthy when it becomes a relentless moaning about something that you are not trying to change and ultimately will be detrimental to your life. You're the only one that loses. We have to start going for the glory, my friends. Take care. Go out there. Solve some problems and enjoy yourselves in the process. I'll speak to you soon. If right now you're not on my Facebook, go to Coach Matthew Hussey. That's on Facebook. It's Coach Matthew Hussey is my username.

Follow me and I'll make sure I get you all of the updates on this show in good time. Take care, my friends. I'll see you soon. and a session and I want to give you free access to it today. I call this video the three female mindsets that drive men wild and it's filled with empowering and practical advice that you can use today. To get your free access just go to lovelifepodcast.com forward slash mindsets.