Love Life with Matthew Hussey - How to Date Your Friend’s Ex (And Not Kill the Friendship)

Episode Date: January 27, 2017

So you’ve got strong feelings for a guy… He’s funny, he’s handsome, he’s kind, but there’s just one tiny problem: he just so happens to be your good friend’s ex-boyfriend. What do you do? Is it possible to date him and NOT screw up your friendship forever? In today’s episode, we look at the two issues at the core of this tricky dilemma, and I give you the only solution that could possibly make the situation work. I even hand you a script you can use to talk it out with your BFF that might just get her on board with the idea so you can actually have it both ways. (You’re welcome.)

Welcome to Love Life, I'm Matthew Hussey. Now do you ever feel like you're stuck in a rut? We all do from time to time. The problem is just going through the motions cuts off our ability to grow and increase our happiness in life. Now what would happen if you actually began living each and every day with purpose? Let me tell you it is possible to transform your life from ordinary to extraordinary, and it doesn't have to take months or years, but just a matter of days. Stick with me till the end of the show, and I'll tell you exactly how to do it. Today, we are talking about the contentious subject of whether you should date an ex's friend or a friend's ex. So really here we're talking about people who are perceived to be off limits. If

your friend just broke up with somebody, should you be dating them? If they broke up with them five years ago, should you be dating them? It's a tough subject. So the first is an issue of ownership. The second is an issue of respect. And the way these two play out together is going to determine, I think, whether morally you feel okay with the situation or not. Now, I would argue that the feelings of ownership should naturally in normal human beings decrease over time. So a breakup that just happened last week, if your friend comes along and decides he's going to be with her or she's going to be with him, that with your ex-partner of a week ago, I would say that that friend is not perhaps someone you want to keep in your life.

But two years on, three years on, is it the same thing? I would say that a rational human being has to begin to let go, especially if they're out there dating other people. This is one of the areas I think ownership is a concept that gets ugly, is when Mark is out there dating someone else, but he still can't stand the fact that someone he knows could be dating his girlfriend from a couple of years back. That to me seems excessive. And it's not really, here's the truth, it's not really about ownership. Because if it were about ownership, Mark would not want anyone to date his ex. But of course, his ex probably has dated other people since him. It just turns out that when it's his friend, it becomes a problem.

So this then leads into respect. Because what we really want is the respect of our friends and of the people we know. We want to feel like they're on our side. So how do you make sure that you still maintain an air of respect in these situations? To me, it's communication. It's showing someone that you're willing to take them aside first and explain the situation to them and say, look, it would really mean a lot to me to have your approval because, um, I like this person and I, I, but I don't want to jump in and disrespect you and make you feel like, you know, I didn't care about your feelings on the matter because I do. You're important to me.

People want to feel important. They want to feel respected. And if you can make them feel important and respected, you'll actually find that in many cases, you can have it both ways. Communication solves so many of these problems. Now, one might argue that this is different for women because for women, if they start going around and hooking up with their friends, ex-boyfriends, they're going to be labeled a slut. They're going to be labeled that woman who gets around. How do we deal with that issue? Well, firstly, I would say that if you, my caveat with all of this is you really should make sure you like the person before you do this. Don't just do it because there's no other options right now.

That's a really bad reason to do this. And I think it's more reflective of the introverted nature and the insular nature of your social life than it is of how much you actually want that person. So don't screw up your whole social circle for someone that you just think, well, it's better than nothing right now. Do not do that. If you're a woman and you really do like a guy and you've not just convinced yourself you really like him so that you can make life easier for yourself and justify it. If you really do like the person, then have the conversation with the friend, talk to them about it and express it. And you make a decision at that point whether you're going to pursue it or not. Truthfully, if your friend's out there dating with the friend, talk to them about it and express it. And you make a decision at that point, whether you're going to pursue it or not. Truthfully, if your friend's out there dating and she's fine, she's not going to begrudge you. If this guy's the man of your dreams

and you end up being with him, she's not going to begrudge you that. That's okay. Wow. It was real. It wasn't just you trying to screw me over or you trying to find something on the side. This was actually a real situation for you. Most adults would respect that. And by the way, if one of your girlfriends can't respect that, I would argue she's not that good of a friend. So I'll finish this with two thoughts. Firstly, always follow the golden rule. This is something that goes back to Confucius.

Do unto others as you would like them to do unto yourself. The second is the smaller the town you live in, the more okay it is. Because if you live in Farmsville with 25 people, okay, date away, my friend. But if you're in New York City using this excuse, you need to get a life. That's it from me today. I will speak to you soon, my friends. Follow me on Facebook forward slash Coach Matthew Hussey. Go check us out. Stay up to date and I'll see you in the next episode. So earlier we were talking about being stuck in a rut if you want to discover the secret to living a life of purpose and experiencing a level of joy that most people don't even dare to dream about

i have an invitation for you i want you to apply for my matthew hussey retreat now i say apply because this is an exclusive program there are a limited number of spots and I handpick the women who I think are ready for this radical transformation. But I can promise you this, if you are accepted, I'll take you by the hand and lead you through a life-changing experience that will give you every tool you need to quickly achieve the things that you want most in life. To claim your spot for a phone interview with one of my expert mentors, just go to lovelifepodcast.com forward slash retreat.