Love Life with Matthew Hussey - How To Recognize A Love Bomber Before You Get Hurt Rewind

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

When we meet someone we feel excited about, “love bombing” can feel like everything we’ve ever wanted. Someone we’re attracted to showering us with intensity and attention who is also happy to introduce us to their close friends and family . . . let’s be honest, it feels really good. Life suddenly transforms into our very own romantic movie. Sure, the pace of it might feel a little rushed and intense . . . but isn’t that what happens when you meet “the One”? But then, like clockwork, it happens. The texts stop coming in fast like they used to and we feel them pulling away until eventually, as quickly as they came, they’re gone. The harsh contrast between the avalanche of attention they gave us in the beginning and the cold one-line texts we’re now receiving can leave us in a state of withdrawal, wondering whether any of it was even real. This might sound familiar to you . . . it’s certainly a story I’ve heard over and over. But why do people do this? This episode will help you automatically sift out the love bombers so you can just focus on enjoying the process of dating people who share a healthy mindset and an open mind to finding a real relationship.---►► Every Friday, Matthew Hussey writes a personal letter to help you strengthen the three most important relationships in your life—with others, with yourself, and with life itself. Sign up for free at TheThreeRelationships.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A love bomb or a love bomber is someone who comes into your life and immediately has an incredible intensity about them. They shower you with praise and attention and affection and maybe even something that looks like love. They want your time, your energy. Maybe they do things very quickly like introduce you to family. Maybe they immediately give up their whole week. They want to see you every single day. They want to know where you are all the time because they miss you. It's someone who is very grandiose in the beginning. You may even feel in the beginning with this person like the pace of it makes you slightly uncomfortable. And the reason it's called love bombing, is because someone comes in and drops this bomb, but then they disappear just as quickly when they're done.

And that's what so many people experience is the pain of feeling like they had something that was so intense and felt like it was so important and it really felt like it was going somewhere very quickly. And then as quickly as that person came in and showered you with that affection, they disappear. here. So what do you think about this, Steve? What do you think that people need to hear about this who have either suffered from it or don't want to fall prey to it? I think the first thing for me, and this is a topic that's always strange for me because I don't think I understand the psychology of guys who do this. Is it ego? Why would a guy shower someone with tons of attention and pronouncements of love and lavish them with attention if they didn't want to actually be with them.

Well, I think there's a, there's a generous interpretation of this and also a less generous interpretation. And I think that they're not always the same person. So if I were to take the most egregious kind of love bomber, it would be someone on the spectrum of narcissism somewhere who really enjoys someone falling in love with them. They want to come in and make you fall in love with them as quickly as possible because that's where they get their validation. That's what makes them feel good. So it was never really about loving you. It was about giving you, overwhelming you so much with their affection and how wonderful they are that you fall for them immensely. And they now feel validated. And once they feel validated, once they feel like, ah, I did it. I made them

fall for me. Look how wonderful I am. It's confirmed. They can then move on. But see, like, I'm human. That's one person. I'm human. I like that attention. I like that validation. And I totally get that. It's nice when people are attracted to you. But maybe this is my own avoidant tendencies coming out. but I would be worried if I go too far in over lavishing someone who I'm not that into with attention and stuff, they're going to feel really attached and it's going to be really messy to get out of that. And, you know, if I suddenly change my mind or if I decide this isn't the one for me, I'm now have created this scenario where they think we're in love and we have something special and I think, oh God, I'm really in it now.

Well, I think you're being unkind to yourself there, Steve, because I think that that's a sign of having a moral compass. Because for those without a moral compass, they don't see it as a lot of work to extricate themselves from that situation. They just say, I'm never going to text them again. I'm just going to disappear. I'm now going to ghost them, essentially. because that's not something that you would ever default to, because you realize that for you, extricating yourself from something like that

means carefully untangling it in a kind way and you know the amount of work that would take, you don't want to put yourself in that position in the first place. But someone, a lot of people don't have your, that moral compunction that you would have in the, that situation. But that's one kind of person. And I say it's the most egregious kind for exactly that reason, because they have no conscience about disappearing as fast as they came into your life. The second kind of person is someone who really enjoys the idea of falling in love. It's not just

about them being loved by you as a way to feel important. They truly enjoy that feeling, that high, because falling in love is this, it's a drug, right? It's a literal drug. So I'm going in to enjoy the high of that drug, not to build something sustainable. When it gets to be real effort, when it gets to be that I actually have to put some working, some structure, when I have to wake up and continue to put in effort with this person to love them. And the high in that same dizzying way is no longer there, the drug has worn off to me and it doesn't feel how I think it's supposed to feel anymore. So then I move on. And that suggests not, it certainly can suggest a kind of selfishness still, but it perhaps more so suggests

an immaturity and an un-evolved perspective when it comes to what a relationship actually is. So for that person, I would argue, if we could broadly say the first person shows narcissistic tendencies, the second person shows a tremendous amount of immaturity and lack of awareness about what a relationship actually is. Yeah. And then I think you have the third. category of people. There's a Chet Baker song, Steve. I fall in love too easily. I fall in love too fast. I fall in love too terribly hard for love to ever last. And when I hear the lyrics

of this song, I hear the third person. And the third person is, it is the person that immediately projects onto someone everything that they want in their ideal person. As soon as they feel a hint of chemistry, they immediately start to take the 5% they know about someone and fill in the other 95% they don't know with their fantasy. What's the movie, Jameson, weird science? Is that the, where the guys, the two geeky guys, the two geeky, guys build their dream woman as a computer, you know, as a robot, you know, and they design what they think is their dream woman. Well, I think that people do that, right? They,

they design in their head, their dream person based on the small amount they know about someone and they fall hard and fast for that projection. And then when someone doesn't live up to the projection because how can they, they now feel like this must not be the right person after all. And this is still a kind of lack of awareness, but perhaps a kind of relationship immaturity. And it's a lack of understanding, I believe, of how so many people who come to be in strong relationships actually end up in strong relationships. This idea is kind of born out of this societal myth of love at first sight. Yeah, is it kind of shiny object syndrome, shiny new object syndrome? Well, I think it can be, but in a way that falls a little bit into the second category,

right? That I'm, it's exciting as long as it's exciting, as long as it's the drug high. But I think in the third category of people, the projection, it's, it's about that first, that love at first sight myth, that I'm supposed to meet someone and be absolutely bowled over by everything that they are instantly. And that's the indicator of whether how much potential this has and whether we're going to go the distance. And that's incredibly, dangerous because anything that feels that good that fast has the potential to let us down because so much of it is based on emotion, it's not based on true compatibility, because we can't possibly seek true compatibility at that stage.

But in addition to that, it's neglecting. And I think a lot of people genuinely don't understand this about so many couples. it's a lack of understanding that love grows. Love doesn't start. Love grows. You find someone who you feel is worth going on another date with. Not someone who from the first time you meet them keeps you up all night because you're like,

I can't stop thinking about them. that's the thing to be suspicious of because now you're probably basing their value on something that's not real love grows when you find someone that you think is worth going on another date with you're giving love the potential to grow and the more you connect with someone and the more you invest in them and the more you tease out the wonderful hidden parts of them and they do the same for you, the more you come to realize what an incredible human being this is and what an incredible partner this could be. And of course, it's hard if you start with absolutely zero chemistry,

if there's not even a basic attraction there at all, that's hard. But having a basic kind of attraction for each other isn't the same as I can't I can't sleep, I can't breathe without them. I immediately, I left the date and I just, you know, I, I can't wait another day to see them again. That's the dangerous part. Love grows over time. And that's something that the third kind of love bomber doesn't appreciate because they feel like if it's not immediately the most compelling thing in my life, it must be a sign that I'm not that into this person. and that is the love at first sight myth.

Yeah. If it's not roller coaster, then I'm not having the high, so something's wrong. I think there's one other category of guy that I think you haven't slotted in yet, Matt. I think there's this stereotype of just, oh, single guy, a single guy, we all know what that single guy is like. He's this player type. He's like out there playing the field, meeting lots of people. And in general, I think that's a very small percentage of guys. More likely, someone you meet is going to have been in a couple of relationships for a while that didn't work out.

And so now this guy that's newly single, he probably doesn't know how to be a player, but he knows how to be a boyfriend. And he knows like, well, if I'm trying to, was like, when I was trying to impress my girlfriend, I would have done this. I would have done this. And he starts kind of acting innocuously, or at least without bad intentions, kind of like a boyfriend. And that's just how he's, that's how he's sort of binary. Like that's his one default. That's his one default move. I can kind of dangle this sort of idea that I'm a good boyfriend material in front of you as just me making a good impression.

And if he discovers maybe he doesn't want anything more, then he's like, uh-oh. I didn't have Stevens foresight to know that this was going to work, but I'm not that interested, and now I've just loved Blumped. Yeah, that's really interesting. Yeah. And I think that guy can also be the kind of guy that because all they know is being in a relationship, there's kind of find a relationship at any cost mode. And so they're not necessarily truly evaluating whether the person in front of them is right for the relationship.

they're just putting wanting a relationship ahead of anything. So they go in hard and fast and to love as intensely as possible. But then if they ever stop to catch their breath and actually evaluate whether it's right, they may find out it's not. But like you say, they've just exercised all of their boyfriend tools immediately because it's all they know. Yeah. And maybe it's just they wanted attention. And this is literally the only, there's only tool.

their toolkit that they had available. They didn't know how to be swab. They didn't know how to do all these other things that, oh, those other cool single guys are doing. They're just default. Love bummer. They didn't know how to have a different intensity. Yeah. Or a lower intensity. And I kind of, I suppose that's a good juncture because people may say, well, then my God, how do I have to sit there and try and decipher which one of the categories that you've just said someone falls into and no you don't you don't it's that the answer is actually very simple for you if it when you're in the early stages of dating the first is be distrusting of any situation that has reached a kind of unsustainable level of intensity that doesn't mean and maybe

distrusting. Would you say unearned intensity, like early intensity? Unerned intensity, but even just an unsustainable level of intensity. I, you know, no, no relationship is going to stay at that crazy intensity. So you may enjoy it, but be wary of it. Be just be careful and understand that you dictate the pace. You don't have to just go along with somebody. else's pace. Whether it's the narcissist type who is trying to do all of these grand things and take up all of your time and attention because of that reason, or whether it's the person Jameson is talking about who's doing it because they only know one speed. You can dictate the pace. If someone wants to see you every day right now and you just met them, you can slow them down and say, you know,

make your own decision. I feel comfortable maybe seeing this person. a couple of times a week at this stage while I'm getting to know them. You know, I'm not suddenly going to free up every night for someone that I don't know. You can decide that. And when someone does things that perhaps you wouldn't do that soon, because you, you know, they introduce you to their family and you think, wow, if I was introducing someone to my family, that would be a big deal to me.

Therefore, if I'm being introduced to their family, that must be a big deal to them, don't assume that something means the same thing to somebody else that it means to you. Yeah. Because it may not. That's a big one. And that's the danger is when we assume that it, without them having actually said it, we assume, oh, that must, it's the same as a woman saying, well, when I, if I sleep with

someone, that deepens my connection with them. So I wouldn't sleep with someone unless I was ready to deepen my connection with them. But you should never assume. And, you know, I know so many women who get, we coach so many women who get in trouble because they assume that sex means the same thing that it does to her. And in some cases it does. But in a lot of cases, it doesn't. They have a different association with what sex means.

Assuming that whatever is happening right now is something they've attached the same meaning to as you have, is a recipe for unmet expectations. That's why we have to bring conversation into the mix and talk about these things. Be willing to have the conversation. So number one, be wary of a pace and an intensity that's unsustainable. Number two, don't assume something means the same thing.

Oh, and I should say, for number one, you be willing to set the pace. So number one, be wary of a pace and intensity that's unsustainable and be willing to take the pace back. You can dictate the pace even if they're trying to speed it up. Number two, don't assume something means the same thing to somebody else as it does to you, just because someone's doing something that feels intense to you. It may not be intense to them. It may be what they do all the time.

And number three, measure consistency. over intensity. It's easy to think that because somebody is being grandiose in their actions, because they're being intense in their actions, that that must be a portent for things to come. We have to say no, no matter how good this feels, no matter how exciting this appears, and no matter how dramatic their words and their actions seem to be. I have to stay very grounded and measure consistency of action, of words, of behavior over intensity in someone's words and actions and behavior. Thank you so much for listening to the episode.

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